1. To reduce stress and while working from home, some experts recommend distracting yourself with a miserable day job.
2. Insane mother smothers children with pillows, claims it was affection.
3. At least 30 human bones have been found in a pond near the home of a serial killer. Some fish from the pond are saying that the serial killer never even asked permission to dump the bones.
4. Round the clock news leaves some clocks feeling clockstrophobic.
5. Shark bites are making hands free swimming available for divers from all backgrounds.
6. New York lawmakers are warming to the idea of pot legalization upon realizing that pot revenue will far exceed prison revenue.
7. Devoted married man still battling for the right to marry his doting blow up doll.
Jokes: WW3 Cancelled Due to Shitstorm Concerns
1. Scientologists are desperately searching for meaning in a belief system penned by a fiction author.
2. Elon Musk will soon become the smartest man in the world as he has decided to pay himself 55 billion dollars.
3. Researchers at the Institute of Self-Imposed Boredom were able to conclude from their studies of tourist behavior at trinket shops that people will indeed, stand in line for anything.
4. "Psychedelics can improve mental health." This from my unemployed neighbor, aged 35 who finger paints.
5. Singer Lizzo was turning heads on the red carpet recently. She wore a tight, black leather dress that proved once and for all that dressing like a chode in a small black condom can make the news.
6. Fat burning yoga routines have succeeded in making many women look like really flexible cows.
7. Being stressed at work has been voted the number 1 way to remember that you are at work.
8. "Perfect meditation requires a perfect meditation space." Says the lead researcher at the Institute of Sitting on Your Ass.
9. Out of touch baby boomer blames loss of finger tips.
2. Elon Musk will soon become the smartest man in the world as he has decided to pay himself 55 billion dollars.
3. Researchers at the Institute of Self-Imposed Boredom were able to conclude from their studies of tourist behavior at trinket shops that people will indeed, stand in line for anything.
4. "Psychedelics can improve mental health." This from my unemployed neighbor, aged 35 who finger paints.
5. Singer Lizzo was turning heads on the red carpet recently. She wore a tight, black leather dress that proved once and for all that dressing like a chode in a small black condom can make the news.
6. Fat burning yoga routines have succeeded in making many women look like really flexible cows.
7. Being stressed at work has been voted the number 1 way to remember that you are at work.
8. "Perfect meditation requires a perfect meditation space." Says the lead researcher at the Institute of Sitting on Your Ass.
9. Out of touch baby boomer blames loss of finger tips.
Short Funny Story: I Don't Want to Work for the Power Company
I am sure there are people out there that do, very much so want to work for the power company. I am positive that there are people who would find dealing with tools, wires, cables, drills, hammers and geometric manipulation software shit to be...electrifying.There are plenty of people who are capable of and willing to work for the power company. This is a highly sought after job. The baby boomer who keeps coming around and telling me that I, comedy writer and bartender extraordinaire should work for the power company can stick all of the power companies in America up his ass.
I don't know how many times I have to communicate that I already love what I do. What I do is wake up, jack off, eat a snack, jack off again, message a broad on Tinder, schedule a new blog post, answer an email, take a nap, write half of the next blog post and then go to work where I sexually harass my middle aged dish washer named Bill. I don't need to change and I don't want a wife and kids and benefits and all that shit. I have health insurance and a good job that pays well and keeps me happy. Why on Earth would I change from that?
Because this guy who should be proud of me and care that I don't care to hear his advice, is not proud of me. When it comes to the reasonable request of "I love what I do, please leave me alone." He becomes completely deaf. Family, the people that you should always have your back, in reality, do not. Sometimes they will take the shirt and skin off your back but they will only rarely protect said back. This is why family, a unit that you should seemingly never ignore, is precisely the people that you should ignore when it comes to your life. The same extends to friends, buddies, acquaintances, customers and whatever category you place church family in. I put them in the irrelevant category. As it pertains to how you live your life, you are the only important person. God is a deity, so that doesn't count in this instance because it's implied that deity always wins.
I am the only important person, not the game show host on TV that I am pretty sure is trying to send me coded messages. The email scammer that just wants me for my money and doesn't have any intention of sending me 55 million dollars no matter how many times I pay his advance fee of 300 bucks. I'm not being selfish here, I'm being practical. I can't help the whole world or even my family and friends to be honest. But I can help myself. Asking any more of someone than that is selfish.
I don't know how many times I have to communicate that I already love what I do. What I do is wake up, jack off, eat a snack, jack off again, message a broad on Tinder, schedule a new blog post, answer an email, take a nap, write half of the next blog post and then go to work where I sexually harass my middle aged dish washer named Bill. I don't need to change and I don't want a wife and kids and benefits and all that shit. I have health insurance and a good job that pays well and keeps me happy. Why on Earth would I change from that?
Because this guy who should be proud of me and care that I don't care to hear his advice, is not proud of me. When it comes to the reasonable request of "I love what I do, please leave me alone." He becomes completely deaf. Family, the people that you should always have your back, in reality, do not. Sometimes they will take the shirt and skin off your back but they will only rarely protect said back. This is why family, a unit that you should seemingly never ignore, is precisely the people that you should ignore when it comes to your life. The same extends to friends, buddies, acquaintances, customers and whatever category you place church family in. I put them in the irrelevant category. As it pertains to how you live your life, you are the only important person. God is a deity, so that doesn't count in this instance because it's implied that deity always wins.
I am the only important person, not the game show host on TV that I am pretty sure is trying to send me coded messages. The email scammer that just wants me for my money and doesn't have any intention of sending me 55 million dollars no matter how many times I pay his advance fee of 300 bucks. I'm not being selfish here, I'm being practical. I can't help the whole world or even my family and friends to be honest. But I can help myself. Asking any more of someone than that is selfish.
Shot Glass Thought: Subway Should Give up on Public Relations
Subway, just give up. Stop running commercials, contact a professional who specializes in shutting down a company and let him/her go to work. Your entire brand was built around the weight loss of a disgusting pedophile. Nobody thinks of you as having fresh or healthy food. We just think of you as a giant company that paid a guy outrageous amounts of money and him spending that money on child pornography. Maybe you had no clue he was that way, that's fine. We get it. But it doesn't change the fact that every time we see your stupid fucking commercials, we think "Oh, that's the fat pedophile sandwich company." A pedophile sandwich is the only thing that cannibals will say no to. Besides the fact that we think of you as a giant pedophile sandwich, we are sick of the fucking smell that your restaurant has. Staying in a Subway long enough to get your order is going to make you smell like a spicy jalapeno belch. Doesn't matter if you order peppers or not. You're not healthy either. You serve an entire loaf of bread with every meal. Subway and BK are competing to serve the most mayo each year. And mayo, is not a fucking health food. Neither is BK and neither is Subway. So in short, fuck Subway and your stupid business. Just go away.
Jokes: The News in 8 Wise Musings
1. Party boy depression researchers prone to being down.
2. Antagonistic typist prone to pushing buttons.
3. A man was shot in the head outside of Asheville, NC. His surgeon said the patient is finding it difficult to be mindful.
4. Body building professional eaters are finding buffets to be the best place to get buffull.
5. Confused child wondering what inner city town is father hood.
6. Having a scheduled "worry time" is the new best identifier for deciding which guy you're not going to fuck.
7. "How human are you?" found to be the most offensive thing to ask your computer.
8. Asking your boss "Wanna fuck?" has been found to be the number 1 way to end your employment as a plumber.
The Answers: How to Get Over Someone You Loved But Never Dated in 4 Easy Steps
First of all, the haters who tell you that you need to get over someone are wrong. Obsession is our quiet expertise. Nobody has to know that you know every single place that one person goes. Somebody, besides the government should know where that one person goes. Volunteering that information to you willingly would be a dangerous practice for this one person that you know everything about. So it's better to just learn that information on your own with the help of a private investigator or a few hackers on the internet. But if you've decided to get over your muse, then here's a quick and easy method for doing just that.
1. My life feels destroyed, so now yours will too.
So this title pretty much speaks for itself. You/I already know everything about the person that shattered your world and crushed your heart. Therefore, you already know how to wreck this person's life. She goes to her favorite camping spot, you bring your best big foot impression to that camp site. She goes to the grocery store to pick up more kale, you poison the kale. All of the kale, go to the source. Whatever far away land makes kale, go there and poison the kale. If she survives the poison, recovers and then decides to go to the lake to jog, you drive the nearest white rape van that you can find. You don't put her in the van, you just pull alongside her and stare as she quietly panics.
2. Get Help
So yeah most plebs will talk to friends, confide in a mental health professional or will just drink the problem away. All of those things are technically options but I recommend you stay entirely alone. Building a shrine is a perfectly rational thing to do when you feel like you have nobody to turn to. Because you don't have anyone to turn to. But once your shrine is finished, you'll always be able to turn to ...Julia...sweet Julia. My Julia. Erm, well anyway yeah, your shrine should be whoever...it should be. You can break into her house and steel mundane objects from her bathroom, night stand and coffee table. These are the easiest possessions to notice when they aren't there. Her thoughts about those objects being gone will fuel the spirit energy that your shrine will summon.
3. Never Admit That You're Hurt
Blast heavy metal music channel on Pandora every second of every day. Never stop. I don't care what your data overages look like, find a way around that. You must go deaf to the sound of electric guitar riffs and thundering drums. You will only wear black clothing and you will not fucking smile. I don't care if you win the lottery. Do not smile and never admit what is bothering you. Everyone that asks you what is wrong should be astonished at the level of rudeness that you employ in your response. Your new primary means of communication is to grunt, snarl and swear.
4. You Haven't Lost Them, They Aren't Dead...Yet
Understand that if you give them space enough to re-evaluate what you mean to them, they might decide that the distance between you two is too much. They might re-establish contact and try to renew the relationship. But none of this will happen if you freak out too much. Keep the shrine on the way down low, you'll sink your chances if they learn anything about that. Don't say anything about their private life to their face that hasn't already been revealed to you by them. We might have 8 terabytes of information pertaining to the mundane details of how they spend their time but letting them in on that is gonna be a big deterrent to the restoration of your relationship.
So obviously this is all just a big joke. Which is why you clicked on the comedy apprentice. I am thankful that you did and I hope that you got a few good laughs from this piece. If you are having trouble with a break up maybe this could help https://bit.ly/2TLH7oc. Get some help and be well. Also come back and talk some shit to me about my click bait title.
1. My life feels destroyed, so now yours will too.
So this title pretty much speaks for itself. You/I already know everything about the person that shattered your world and crushed your heart. Therefore, you already know how to wreck this person's life. She goes to her favorite camping spot, you bring your best big foot impression to that camp site. She goes to the grocery store to pick up more kale, you poison the kale. All of the kale, go to the source. Whatever far away land makes kale, go there and poison the kale. If she survives the poison, recovers and then decides to go to the lake to jog, you drive the nearest white rape van that you can find. You don't put her in the van, you just pull alongside her and stare as she quietly panics.
2. Get Help
So yeah most plebs will talk to friends, confide in a mental health professional or will just drink the problem away. All of those things are technically options but I recommend you stay entirely alone. Building a shrine is a perfectly rational thing to do when you feel like you have nobody to turn to. Because you don't have anyone to turn to. But once your shrine is finished, you'll always be able to turn to ...Julia...sweet Julia. My Julia. Erm, well anyway yeah, your shrine should be whoever...it should be. You can break into her house and steel mundane objects from her bathroom, night stand and coffee table. These are the easiest possessions to notice when they aren't there. Her thoughts about those objects being gone will fuel the spirit energy that your shrine will summon.
3. Never Admit That You're Hurt
Blast heavy metal music channel on Pandora every second of every day. Never stop. I don't care what your data overages look like, find a way around that. You must go deaf to the sound of electric guitar riffs and thundering drums. You will only wear black clothing and you will not fucking smile. I don't care if you win the lottery. Do not smile and never admit what is bothering you. Everyone that asks you what is wrong should be astonished at the level of rudeness that you employ in your response. Your new primary means of communication is to grunt, snarl and swear.
4. You Haven't Lost Them, They Aren't Dead...Yet
Understand that if you give them space enough to re-evaluate what you mean to them, they might decide that the distance between you two is too much. They might re-establish contact and try to renew the relationship. But none of this will happen if you freak out too much. Keep the shrine on the way down low, you'll sink your chances if they learn anything about that. Don't say anything about their private life to their face that hasn't already been revealed to you by them. We might have 8 terabytes of information pertaining to the mundane details of how they spend their time but letting them in on that is gonna be a big deterrent to the restoration of your relationship.
So obviously this is all just a big joke. Which is why you clicked on the comedy apprentice. I am thankful that you did and I hope that you got a few good laughs from this piece. If you are having trouble with a break up maybe this could help https://bit.ly/2TLH7oc. Get some help and be well. Also come back and talk some shit to me about my click bait title.
Jokes: 4 Statements From an Expert Mole Hill Maker
1. Recent dating polls have put consensual sex with an origami expert as the least desirable sexual outcome. 2nd place? Getting Raped.
2. More and more people are reporting struggles with health anxiety. Close behind is a fear of needles and the perfectly rational fear that your penis may never returning after the extreme shrinkage experienced during an examination.
3. Aaron Hernandez, the former Patriot star tight end and murderer was found to have had the worst case of brain damage ever found in a man his age. Teammates and coaches always marveled at the brilliance of Hernandez's physical attributes and his mental mastery of the game. If a man with severe brain damage can still be a smart football player, well then they are just as dumb as we all thought.
4. Workplace improvement organizations are ceasing operations in 2020 en masse. One representative of the industry cited that "Without exception, everybody hates work and wants go back home." The only man in their case study that was found to not hate work was a man named Billie Woowoo who doesn't fucking exist. "Yeah we made up Billie for fun one day. We each had a couple margaritas at lunch. Probably the best day I worked in this business."
2. More and more people are reporting struggles with health anxiety. Close behind is a fear of needles and the perfectly rational fear that your penis may never returning after the extreme shrinkage experienced during an examination.
3. Aaron Hernandez, the former Patriot star tight end and murderer was found to have had the worst case of brain damage ever found in a man his age. Teammates and coaches always marveled at the brilliance of Hernandez's physical attributes and his mental mastery of the game. If a man with severe brain damage can still be a smart football player, well then they are just as dumb as we all thought.
4. Workplace improvement organizations are ceasing operations in 2020 en masse. One representative of the industry cited that "Without exception, everybody hates work and wants go back home." The only man in their case study that was found to not hate work was a man named Billie Woowoo who doesn't fucking exist. "Yeah we made up Billie for fun one day. We each had a couple margaritas at lunch. Probably the best day I worked in this business."
The Answers: How To Kiss
So believe it or not, there have been a few times in my life where I've kissed someone. Kissing is a fantastic expression of love and affection and can communicate many different things based on what culture you might be talking about. But this is not a history of kissing so much as it is a rudimentary manual. So let's keep the pioneers of metal in mind as we keep it simple stupid. You're going to open your mouth only slightly as you tilt your head to one side or the other. Don't open your mouth too widely or you're going to look more like you're prepping to take a bite out of her/him. For however open minded the world of today might be, cannibalism is still pretty much off limits.
If your partner is already going one way, then mirror that as you'll end up in the right place. For any big dumb dumbs out there that doesn't mean go to the same side that he/she goes to. The opposite side, so that you two fit together and don't clash foreheads. You're trying to create a face mashing that is somewhat reminiscent of the yin and yang symbol. But with your mouths. Keep in mind, there is always a possibility that they will recoil from the foul blast of your hot breath hitting them for the first time. I mean fuck, I can smell it from my apartment.
You'll carefully or forcefully if you're a wild ass, pair your lips to the target lips. Don't keep your eyes wide open, that's weird. Don't purse your lips together too tightly, you're supposed to be romantically engaged not pretending to kiss your aunt on the cheek. You kind of just keep repeating that motion from slightly different angles and viola! You're kissing. What to do with your hands and tongue are up to you and your partner. Some of you should practice having the conversation about boundaries with your blow up sex doll before you try it on a human.
A couple of ways to make sure that kissing goes wrong is to breathe heavily and loudly as you go in for the kiss. Try to kiss someone that would not otherwise expect a kiss, like a complete stranger. Kissing in the daylight in front of other people. That's just bad for the other people, nobody likes PDA. And trying to do too much too early on. She might think it's romantic to be kissed good night after a good evening but she probably isn't ready to be fingered on her porch if you guys just met. Unless she went on the date in a wife beater and chain smokes cheap cigarettes while griping about her 4 kids. If that's the case you can probably bust out the crack pipe and make a whole weekend out of it. Also, never try to finger a complete stranger. Never works out.
If your partner is already going one way, then mirror that as you'll end up in the right place. For any big dumb dumbs out there that doesn't mean go to the same side that he/she goes to. The opposite side, so that you two fit together and don't clash foreheads. You're trying to create a face mashing that is somewhat reminiscent of the yin and yang symbol. But with your mouths. Keep in mind, there is always a possibility that they will recoil from the foul blast of your hot breath hitting them for the first time. I mean fuck, I can smell it from my apartment.
You'll carefully or forcefully if you're a wild ass, pair your lips to the target lips. Don't keep your eyes wide open, that's weird. Don't purse your lips together too tightly, you're supposed to be romantically engaged not pretending to kiss your aunt on the cheek. You kind of just keep repeating that motion from slightly different angles and viola! You're kissing. What to do with your hands and tongue are up to you and your partner. Some of you should practice having the conversation about boundaries with your blow up sex doll before you try it on a human.
A couple of ways to make sure that kissing goes wrong is to breathe heavily and loudly as you go in for the kiss. Try to kiss someone that would not otherwise expect a kiss, like a complete stranger. Kissing in the daylight in front of other people. That's just bad for the other people, nobody likes PDA. And trying to do too much too early on. She might think it's romantic to be kissed good night after a good evening but she probably isn't ready to be fingered on her porch if you guys just met. Unless she went on the date in a wife beater and chain smokes cheap cigarettes while griping about her 4 kids. If that's the case you can probably bust out the crack pipe and make a whole weekend out of it. Also, never try to finger a complete stranger. Never works out.
The Answers: What Does it Mean When You Dream About Cats?
It means that you are on the internet watching cat videos far too often. Since cat's are lazy, cute and vicious killers, dreaming about one could also mean that you having been dealing with a woman. If you dream of a cat and mouse sleeping together it means that are letting the woman in your life get too close and in about 6 months time you be begging for an annulment. If your dream is about beating a cat, then you are sexually frustrated. This tidbit comes to us from the storied psychological halls of rap music in the form of "I beat the pussy up". You may know the phrase from the highly commendable collaboration between LoveRance and 50 Cent.
If you dream about a screaming cat then perhaps you are a sleep walker and you have accidentally stepped on the tail of your kitty. If you are a pregnant mother dreaming of a screaming cat then it is a reminder that your pussy will be screaming when you hatch your baby. Dreaming about being bitten by a cat can symbolize that cats are disloyal little shits and can turn violent toward you after only a few pets. This most important truth should never waiver from your mind when dealing with cats. They are treacherous little crazies that lure you in with cuteness and send you away with scratch marks.
If you dream about a talking cat, but realize that you aren't dreaming, then you have taken LSD and your name is Alice. If you dream of multiple cats surrounding you it means that you are a pimp and the hoes are out to get you. Dreaming about a giant cat cuddling with you after a long journey through the woods means that you have a fanciful imagination and now you have to go back to the drudgery of every day life.
If you dream about a screaming cat then perhaps you are a sleep walker and you have accidentally stepped on the tail of your kitty. If you are a pregnant mother dreaming of a screaming cat then it is a reminder that your pussy will be screaming when you hatch your baby. Dreaming about being bitten by a cat can symbolize that cats are disloyal little shits and can turn violent toward you after only a few pets. This most important truth should never waiver from your mind when dealing with cats. They are treacherous little crazies that lure you in with cuteness and send you away with scratch marks.
If you dream about a talking cat, but realize that you aren't dreaming, then you have taken LSD and your name is Alice. If you dream of multiple cats surrounding you it means that you are a pimp and the hoes are out to get you. Dreaming about a giant cat cuddling with you after a long journey through the woods means that you have a fanciful imagination and now you have to go back to the drudgery of every day life.
Jokes: 7 Headlines to Put Your Mind to Rest
1. Iran's supreme leader Al Khamenei praises the missile strikes on US soldiers claiming that they were the hand of God. Only 11 US soldiers were wounded by the attacks and none were killed. Khamenei must not be familiar with the Old Testament God. His hand flooded the whole planet and also nuked the ancient version of Las Vegas.
2. Amy Klobuchar claims that some Republicans would be willing to testify against Trump in his impeachment trial. She cites the president's internal affairs policy of "No pussy left ungrabbed" as the primary motivator.
3. Wal-Mart had to apologize recently because they made a joke about the untimely death of celebrity Paul Walker who perished in a huge fiery crash several years ago. Some people were really offended by the joke saying that it was cruel. However, they should all take heart as my neighbor who is a certified expert on celebrity deaths claims that Walker is still alive and is partying in Brazil with Tupac and Biggie Smalls.
4. Recent archaeological discoveries have unveiled proof that Neanderthals had strong enough teeth to be able to consume a variety of different nuts. A discovery that surely proves, once and for all, that becoming an archaeologist is the perfect way to waste your life.
5. Contemporary historians claim to have found photographic evidence that the world was once almost entirely without color.
6. In a world where it's considered news to see an almost naked celebrity on the beach, witness the drama of one man's internet journey. Jeff Murmo, of Indiana documented himself clicking every link that he came across for an entire month in the new documentary series Of Mouse and Man. Coming soon to Netflix.
7. Police are investigating the destruction of a milk truck outside of Andrews, NC. What looks like a routine exploded milk truck might be the work of an organized terrorist group composed entirely of cows. The Milkistan Mooer's Party is the name given by one captured representative of the group.
2. Amy Klobuchar claims that some Republicans would be willing to testify against Trump in his impeachment trial. She cites the president's internal affairs policy of "No pussy left ungrabbed" as the primary motivator.
3. Wal-Mart had to apologize recently because they made a joke about the untimely death of celebrity Paul Walker who perished in a huge fiery crash several years ago. Some people were really offended by the joke saying that it was cruel. However, they should all take heart as my neighbor who is a certified expert on celebrity deaths claims that Walker is still alive and is partying in Brazil with Tupac and Biggie Smalls.
4. Recent archaeological discoveries have unveiled proof that Neanderthals had strong enough teeth to be able to consume a variety of different nuts. A discovery that surely proves, once and for all, that becoming an archaeologist is the perfect way to waste your life.
5. Contemporary historians claim to have found photographic evidence that the world was once almost entirely without color.
6. In a world where it's considered news to see an almost naked celebrity on the beach, witness the drama of one man's internet journey. Jeff Murmo, of Indiana documented himself clicking every link that he came across for an entire month in the new documentary series Of Mouse and Man. Coming soon to Netflix.
7. Police are investigating the destruction of a milk truck outside of Andrews, NC. What looks like a routine exploded milk truck might be the work of an organized terrorist group composed entirely of cows. The Milkistan Mooer's Party is the name given by one captured representative of the group.
Jokes: 3 World Changing Headlines
1. In an effort to increase sales and therefore opportunities for girl scouts to even greater heights, girl scout cookies will now be sold with marijuana gummies and pot brownies. Girl Scouts of America is moving to hire as many former marijuana dealing ex-cons as possible for consultation services.
2. 100% of doe eyed, cocky, basic bitch college sluts at some point will decide to be teachers. 99% of them will become waitresses, bartenders and the hotter ones, pole dancers.
3. American politicians today en masse admitted that the whole thing is a charade in order to get elected and to get power. That none of them really care about the American public or any kind of public for that matter. "We would just assume eat the babies as to kiss them in front of a camera." - Joe Biden, former Vice President.
The Answers: How to Cut Your Own Hair
Here's how I, famous and fabulously rich comedy genius, Austin, cut my own hair. I take the clipper that I use on my beard and ball beard and I put a limiter on it so that I can trim the hair on my head. When I have to move to the back of my head, I take my phone out and turn it's selfie camera on and then point it at the mirror. I turn my back and then trim the back of my head and neck while looking at my phone screen. This is a most advanced technique and not something that everyone should try. The hair will fall onto the floor. So it's best to have a broom and dustpan if you have hardwood floors and a vacuum if your shit is carpet.
The technique I have thus outlined is a technique for men and very butch women. If you want to cut your hair as a woman and you don't want to look like a professional female boxer, then you'll first want to develop some very serious emotional traumas pertaining to your father. Next, you're going to want to turn to sex, drugs and attention seeking in order to fill that void. When you realize your life is firmly off the rails, go ahead and publicly decry the system that has made you into a sniveling, miserable little shit. Then, in a fit of madness start hacking your hair out with scissors and chef knives. Eventually, when you half way come to your senses you'll just do what I outlined in the first paragraph of this post.
There you have it! Two perfect ways to get one thing done. One for man and one for woman. The content on this blog is just getting better and better. Almost brings a tear to my eye.
The technique I have thus outlined is a technique for men and very butch women. If you want to cut your hair as a woman and you don't want to look like a professional female boxer, then you'll first want to develop some very serious emotional traumas pertaining to your father. Next, you're going to want to turn to sex, drugs and attention seeking in order to fill that void. When you realize your life is firmly off the rails, go ahead and publicly decry the system that has made you into a sniveling, miserable little shit. Then, in a fit of madness start hacking your hair out with scissors and chef knives. Eventually, when you half way come to your senses you'll just do what I outlined in the first paragraph of this post.
There you have it! Two perfect ways to get one thing done. One for man and one for woman. The content on this blog is just getting better and better. Almost brings a tear to my eye.
The Answers: How Do I Follow Blogs?
Really the only blog in existence that you should follow is mine. This one, the one that you're on. It's perfect in every way. It's funny and it gives real world, practical advice such as "Stay away from eugenicists", "Don't make the Nazi's mad" and "Never take advice." So the way to subscribe to this most perfect of blogs is to look to the right of the page on my home page. Then scroll down till you see the total page views number. There will be a subscribe button there. You can use this button and the services affiliated with it to subscribe to my blog. Alternatively, you can scroll to the bottom of my home page and subscribe via email. I recommend this method as email has been around long enough that I trust it as a service. I am paranoid about Facebook and social media in general. But I'm also paranoid in general. But you already knew that didn't you? Didn't you!! That's it, I'm locking my doors and turning out the lights. No posts till the end of next month!
The following of a WordPress blog is similar. There will be some form of a subscribe button or follow button somewhere on the blog's homepage. Sometimes you will be prompted to subscribe before you have even read the content that you have clicked on. Which kind of defeats the purpose of writing the content. Because I might have gone looking for your follow button if you let me read the content that I wanted to read. But you fucking interrupted me on my way with your fucking prompt. Now I'll never know if Nazi's built a hideaway in Antarctica that they used to launch themselves into space. All because you couldn't wait one fucking second to tell me to subscribe so that you can flood my inbox with opportunities to spend money on your shit. I want to do well too you know. I can't just buy whatever you email me. I need to have a savings account worse than I need a promotional new business opportunity that I'll have to pay to join for some reason.
So there you go, all the answers you could possibly dream of for this topic. Since I have so expertly and eloquently written this post I am sure that all who read it will then subscribe to experience more of my flawless writing. For that I am eternally grateful that you all will be eternally grateful to have my writing sent straight to your inbox.
Jokes: 4 One(or more) Liners to Enliven Your Long Abandoned Loins
1. A dire need has arisen in rural North Carolina to reduce the deer population due to overpopulation and the infuriating tendency to dodge bullets at the last moment when you think you've got them. This statement comes from expert local hunter Brian Lavender who has been a devout supporter of deer population control after unsuccessful hunting trips.
2. Trade deal proposals have been faltering between the US and China. Many experts believe that the deals aren't actually making it to China as the Wi-fi has been speculated to be down in the trade deal office. Trade deal official Kenny Birkin will update us once Rick, the tech guy has had a chance to look at the router and possibly reset it.
3. "Today is the day we make peace!" This from the minister of war in the country of Botsnovia. "The war with Ti-Liangula in the east has gone on long enough." Experts believe that this great change of heart has come from the minister's recent discovery of his astrological sign. His reading for today was "be the sunshine that you want to bathe in."
4. Stephen Gaghan, the director of the new Dolittle is on the receiving end of some speculation that he might be a secret double agent working for a rival movie making company. This after he created the new Dr. Dolittle, a movie so bad that it "may destroy our entire company." This quote comes from the CEO of Universal Pictures, Ronald Meyer.
2. Trade deal proposals have been faltering between the US and China. Many experts believe that the deals aren't actually making it to China as the Wi-fi has been speculated to be down in the trade deal office. Trade deal official Kenny Birkin will update us once Rick, the tech guy has had a chance to look at the router and possibly reset it.
3. "Today is the day we make peace!" This from the minister of war in the country of Botsnovia. "The war with Ti-Liangula in the east has gone on long enough." Experts believe that this great change of heart has come from the minister's recent discovery of his astrological sign. His reading for today was "be the sunshine that you want to bathe in."
4. Stephen Gaghan, the director of the new Dolittle is on the receiving end of some speculation that he might be a secret double agent working for a rival movie making company. This after he created the new Dr. Dolittle, a movie so bad that it "may destroy our entire company." This quote comes from the CEO of Universal Pictures, Ronald Meyer.
The Answers: How to Smoke Cracker Sized Bologna
This is a post about how to smoke crack. Code names are important in the underground. Oh wait, you really wanna know about smoking bologna? Okay sure, I think I can cover that. You're going to need a smoker. So you can have your own smoker for like 55 usd. How they work is that you pack the lower rack with wood chips and then light them on fire...I think. You put the bologna on the upper rack and then close the hatch...I think. You can also slice up the bologna into small little cracker sized shapes before you smoke them...yeah, I'm pretty sure about that part. To be honest, I've never used a smoker before. I don't own a smoker, nor will I ever. I do buy a good deal of bologna. I love it on whole wheat bread with olive oil mayo and creamy horseradish. So damn good. I bet it would be even better if the bologna was smoked, so somebody should really make a YouTube video on that. Actually, seems like this dude knows how, so check him out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EXqmpPk5IRk.
The Answers: What are Hemorrhoids?
Hemorrhoids are swollen veins in and around the inside or outside of your asshole. They hurt, itch and sometimes bleed. I got mine from heavy lifting and working hard. This is the punishment that life bestows upon you for working hard. Hemorrhoids can also form when you get fucked in the ass. Which is really just another way of describing hard work. You also can't strain during bowel movements or they might form. But sometimes you have to do that anyway, so you're fucked. Fucked in the ass. It's also not great to sit for long times on the toilet. So if you decide to be a genius and have an extra break at work by sitting on the toilet pretending to take a shit, you'll also be risking the rhoids. So even when you try to take a break from working your ass off by pretending to dump ass, you'll end up wrecking your ass. This is the post that proves that all along I've been a philosopher and not really a comedian at all.
The Answers: What Does Impeachment Mean?
Impeachment means that important government people have brought charges of bad behavior against a member of public office. They want him/her removed from office because of the behavior but there still has to be a ruling later on so that something can happen. You can stay in office until they all make up their minds, so not a big deal honestly. In truth, it reminds me of the time when I was a senior in high school. I was put on blast by the PE teacher for sleeping on the leather couch we had in the locker room during an entire PE class and then just skipping out on school the next day. But nothing came of it, just I had to listen to some bitching. So pretty much the exact same thing that has happened to the president.
Comedy Story: The Only Reliable Reporting
Scientists at the Academy of Internets have found that the public has become "bored" with the news of mass shootings and killings in general. Today's news consumer wants a new kind of crime, something a bit more creative. "Where are all the crossbow killers? The home made improvised toaster grenades? The death by weaponized hair blower? Today's mass shooters and murderers lack innovation and creativity." This quote from Meg "The Stare" Beanbitter of Asheville, NC who is widely considered to be one of the more sketchy people in a town of literally only sketchy people. Quite the accomplishment, to be sure.
Waffle House has reported that 70% of their annual income is thanks to drunks coming into their restaurants at 3:55am, ordering 16 menu items at roughly 37 dollars total and then passing out in the bathroom before the food is ready. Waffle House plans to build cushioned, self cleaning bathroom floors in all of their restaurants in order to better accommodate these most valuable patrons. The self cleaning aspect will be performed by a robotic sex doll that can provide "lifelike oral sex" and clean up vomit with the same high level of proficiency.
Single mothers under the age of 20 at the Institute of Decision making are finding that men are just as uninterested in supporting them as their parents were in loving them. Most of them find solace in reading poetry, learning new skills and neglecting their child's emotional and physical needs. "I mean, he's one now...so stop pooping everywhare. Gawd." This from basic bitch number 9,000 who claims to be a Christian on her Tinder profile.
Those experienced in living will tell you that nothing can be learned from not trying, not caring or from listening to what a first year Philosophy student has to say.
McDonald's has come clean about their plans to destroy health and wellness with every meal that they serve. Current CEO Chris Kempczinski released this statement "It was all for the laughs mostly. I mean, look at all these fat fucking people!! Oh yeah, besides the laughs it was for the money. The ungodly amounts of money that people will spend on fat, grease and sugar. I mean holy shit. How have they not caught on yet?" Experts believe that McDonald's can expect a 12% increase in profits this quarter in spite of the CEO's statement. This is because the statement will make them feel sad and the feeling of sad will send them right back to the drive through.
The Answers: What Does OK Boomer Mean?
OK Boomer is a phrase that people use humorously when they hear a member of the baby boomer generation say something that is out of touch. The baby boomer generation is the generation of people born from 1946 to 1964. They are also the generation which has pretty much fucked everything up. Boomers have a super power and that is that they can live for a really long time and somehow never grow up. The picture of selfishness, their marriages never work, their businesses fold all the time, their college education was cheap and they never understand how kids today can't put themselves through college just by bagging groceries down at the old market. Never will you have to listen to a larger amount of useless advice come from a less reliable source than when you are being lectured by a boomer. The boomers are a generation where there is some wisdom to be gained from a very, very small number of their people but by and large they are a people and an opinion that you can ignore.
But then again, my advice is to never take advice.
But then again, my advice is to never take advice.
Shot Glass Thought: Entrepreneurial Stress
The biggest problem reported among entrepreneurs is the risk of burnout, followed closely behind by self immolation. Most of these business professional profess that their endless drive is the reasoning behind their successes. However, this cannot be true as currently all cars must stop to refuel at some point. One expert recommends relaxation in the form of watching movies, spending time with friends and joining an underground sex cult as ways to blow off steam. Steam being the product of high heat and water, may lead some to wonder if perhaps cooling off is the real solution to entrepreneurial burnout. I prefer to stick my head in the freezer for a few minutes when I get too hot.
Shot Glass Thought: Me, Generally Speaking
Generally speaking, if you have to say "Come on stop, you're better than this." to someone, then they are not. Also generally speaking, having a raving mad lunatic accost you on the side of the road for money because the government is trying to have him killed is a good way to reflect on what you've accomplished so far in life. I find that it's because when in that situation, I always feel like I'm about to die. There is no polite way to disengage the man or woman. You have to give them some version of "I'm leaving forcefully because I'm afraid of you." But you have to communicate "I'm somehow more dangerous than you, leave me alone or you won't exist much longer." All with your body language I mean. Some people have recommended to me that I just ignore the crazy and walk on like nothing has happened. But that strategy also involves turning your back on a potentially violent and certainly disconnected person. So there doesn't really seem to be a way to win. Well one strategy that might work could be...Eugenics! Yeah, I mean we don't need everybody right? Just kidding, we just need to start kicking the dangerous ones out of the shelters during the coldest nights. No need for sweeping government change, just a local policy adjustment. Keep coming back to this site because I have all the answers, it's just a matter of time before I hand them all out.
The Answers: What Does Ketosis Feel Like?
Ketosis feels like the Flu. I tried the keto diet a while back and for 2 weeks I was down right religious about it. Never cheating, no sugar, no carbs or under the required amount of carbs. I gotta say, it was totally awful. I've rarely felt worse in my life. The headaches were absurd, the sleep was shitty and the aches and pains made me feel like a complete moron for even trying the diet. There was also this strange feeling in the back of my throat the entire time that I was on the diet that made me feel like I was always about to throw up. I did throw up too! Probably 4 or 5 times in just two weeks. It was miserable. I did shed weight but I couldn't sustain the diet so I ended up gaining it back. I really just tried the diet out because I like to try new things. For example, I recently just bought a palm reading guide that I'll probably be reviewing on this site. So look forward to that expert analysis that I am known for in all literary circles. I have mentioned before that I don't care how I look. But that's not actually true, I want to look unapproachable. As long as I can sustain that, I don't much care for the other details.
The Answers: What Do Vegans Eat?
Vegans will not consume anything that comes from an animal. No meats and no dairy stuff. They eat strange combination foods that come from laboratories that specialize in making foods that resemble a real food item. There are such things as vegan burgers, but they are a Frankensteinian stitchings of beans, various grains and probably grass. Being a vegan is an ethical choice. They are standing up for the proposed right of animals to not have to be trapped and tortured into processes that feed people. Vegans are primarily standing up for the right to free speech, as they will freely tell anyone and everyone what they believe and why everyone else should believe it too. This has the unintended consequence of pissing off people and making you the estranged weirdo of your family. As far as I can tell, there doesn't seem to be any proof to support that a vegan diet is healthy. But if you're a scientist and you're not sure where you should specialize, maybe you should enroll in the vegan monster mash food items club near your local community wellness center and public garden. I go there for the naked body painting on Thursdays. There's nothing like having a bunch of smelly hippies rub paint all in my chest hair.
The Answers: What is an Incel?
An incel is a member of an online community of young men who do not believe that they can attract women. They don't date and they are usually hostile towards sexually active men and women. Okay, these fuckers are scary. Burger King will put some real dumb dumbs in the facing the public positions. It doesn't take much to make that cut. But these guys are the ones that are so socially retarded and horrendous to deal with that they cannot be trusted to communicate with any human being. So BK and lot's of other places hide them somewhere away from the world so that they can make their pay and not disturb anyone. The name and the general concept is this in=involuntarily and cel= celibate. So incels are involuntarily celibate. This is a concept that is foreign to me and to most people I think. It sounds like something I would have thought of before my first real girl friend. In that it's immature and ridiculous. There really is somebody out there for everybody, whether you're involuntarily a cyclops or have chronic bad breath or anything else that is relatively in the same ball park. I know this to be true because the most ripped black dudes in the world date the fattest white women in existence. I see giant nerdy fat guys whose only personality traits are: has beard, will drink beer. These guys routinely have some smokin' peace of ass around. Well, maybe not always, but they do get laid. Anybody can get laid and if you are on a legendarily cold streak or you're just lazy like me, hire a prostitute! The world is a much more simple place than the incels think it is. If you wanna get laid, go get laid.
The Answers: What Does NSFW mean?
NSFW stands for not suitable for work. It means that there will be some form of explicit Adult content featured. So, don't open any email with this in the subject line at work as it will get you into some kind of trouble. Also, maybe don't be friends with somebody creepy enough that they'll be sending you shit like this when you're at work. If they send it to you on your work email then that's on you. Why are you handing out your work email to every creep that you meet? Alternatively, if you are trying to get out of the terrible job that you currently have then do hand out your work email to every creep that you meet and open every NSFW email. You'll be fired in no time!
The Answers: What Does asmr Mean?
Asmr stands for autonomous sensory meridian response. What it feels like is a tingling sensation that starts on the scalp and then travels to the neck and upper spine. When you watch videos on YouTube with asmr in the title it means that you are wasting your life. I should make a video on YouTube about how to not waste your life. The advice I would give in it wouldn't be very helpful as I don't know how to avoid wasting your life. I just do it so naturally. Asmr stuff creeps me out, it's always awkward whispering, clicking, lisping words and other weird scrapey noises. But some people love it. I clicked one video of asmr typing noises in order to experience it for myself and now my feed is covered up in them. Thanks YouTube. Most people who love asmr recommend you wear headphones in order to get the real experience. I don't wear headphones for noises that aren't music unless it's to better listen to two blonde bimbos eating each other's muff in a low definition video. I prefer to have this experience in the handicap stall of a Wal-Mart bathroom, but that's just me.
Jokes: 3 One(or more) Liners That Bring People Together
1. In an honesty poll, day time TV hosts, your lawyer and self help gurus were voted to be the most honest people in our lives. The only participates in the poll were the distant acquaintances that try to talk you into their latest pyramid scheme on Facebook.
2. Hypnosis is trending up right now with some cash only practitioners willing to perform the service in your own home, or pretty much anywhere. Some participants claim that they have experienced great spiritual journeys while being hypnotized. However, the police maintain that this new trend is the easiest way to get yourself raped.
3. Opening up to your family about your mental illness struggles has been voted the number one way to find out which members of your family are fucking retarded. Not surprisingly, the number one result was the child rapist preacher in your family.
2. Hypnosis is trending up right now with some cash only practitioners willing to perform the service in your own home, or pretty much anywhere. Some participants claim that they have experienced great spiritual journeys while being hypnotized. However, the police maintain that this new trend is the easiest way to get yourself raped.
3. Opening up to your family about your mental illness struggles has been voted the number one way to find out which members of your family are fucking retarded. Not surprisingly, the number one result was the child rapist preacher in your family.
Jokes: 4 One(or more) Liners For the Rebellious Elderly Crowd
1. Recently, a Russian warship was thought to be aggressively stalking a US Navy ship while out on the high seas. Turns out, the US warship planned on meeting the Russian warship for lunch but then cancelled last minute only to be seen having lunch with a Chinese warship on the same day. The Russian warship only wanted to catch up with the US Navy ship in order to "Sort things out." The US warship told us "I need my space...he can't keep freaking out like this all the time, I mean..oh my gawd." The US navy ship then rolled her eyes and told us "ttyl".
2. A man was arrested for possession of crack cocaine and was protesting his innocence by citing the fact that some people possess medical marijuana cards. Advocates from the Free the Crack movement support the man and say that it is the right of every American to ruin their life and disappoint their parents.
3. Milk consumption has been trending down in America which has led to failing of several major milk companies. More and more milk consumers are transitioning to the more authentic practice of suckling at the actual teet of cows. Supporters of the movement hope that the practice becomes mainstream as then they would be able to claim that they did it first.
4. Mindfulness continues to make headlines as a treatment for depression. However, mindfulness is the doing of nothing, while thinking about nothing. Sufferers of depression unanimously agree "We're already doing that."
2. A man was arrested for possession of crack cocaine and was protesting his innocence by citing the fact that some people possess medical marijuana cards. Advocates from the Free the Crack movement support the man and say that it is the right of every American to ruin their life and disappoint their parents.
3. Milk consumption has been trending down in America which has led to failing of several major milk companies. More and more milk consumers are transitioning to the more authentic practice of suckling at the actual teet of cows. Supporters of the movement hope that the practice becomes mainstream as then they would be able to claim that they did it first.
4. Mindfulness continues to make headlines as a treatment for depression. However, mindfulness is the doing of nothing, while thinking about nothing. Sufferers of depression unanimously agree "We're already doing that."
The Answers: What Do I Look Like?
The simple answer, most would think, is to look in a mirror. But this doesn't always give people the right information. There are plenty of people in the world with BDD which is short for body dysmorphic disorder. You'll need to see a psychiatrist to get over that one if you have an obsessive perceived flaw with your body. If you're asking what do I look like? As in, does my appearance have similarities to other people, places or things. Well, that's a great opportunity. Maybe it's time for your own custom clothes and tattoos based on what you want to look like. A haircut similar to your favorite celebrity or some shit like that. Looks aren't all that important if you have someone that loves you. Now you could be like me, without that person. But it still doesn't matter too much because people can love almost anyone. So if you want me to tell you what you look like, well, probably fine. You probably look fine and if you don't, don't send me evidence to the contrary. I want to imagine that you're fine. Oh you think I'm hiding from the truth by not wanting to be exposed to the harsh realities of the world? Yes, I am. You nailed it. Let's all be fine or pretend like we're fine.
The Answers: What Does XD Mean?
Hello grandparents and folks raised by wild animals only to have recently been reintroduced to the world. XD is a symbol for laughing when messaging folks. Basically it is what it looks like, you close your eyes when you laugh really hard and this is what that looks like. I just had a flashback to a beautiful blonder haired girl from my past and I'm wondering now why I'm such a fuck up. Because she isn't hear to see me explain text symbols on the internet. What a sad moment I'm having right now. Guess I'll binge eat some Chickin' Biscuit crackers and drink Blackberry flavored ginger ale. Long live the king! Me I mean. I'm the King!
The Answers: What Does smh Mean?
Well I'll tell you, smh stands for shaking my head. This shortening of a phrase is used primarily in text messages in order to express disapproval. It's been around for as long as I've had a phone so probably over 10 years I guess? Anyway for the grandparent that is reading this and finally finding out what it means when their grand kids text them "Papa farted and fell asleep in his recliner smh." Welcome to my comedy blog! I don't know if I can appeal to older audiences but I will do my best. I have a good number of one-liners on here now and I'm told that that form of comedy is archaic and irrelevant but when I do stand-up I only do one-liners and I totally eat my tits on stage. Just kidding, the one-liners do great! I haven't had much success with longer jokes yet so I'll keep you posted when those start landing for me.
The Answers: What is a Joke?
A joke is anything that is said for written with the intent to bring about laughter in an audience. They typically follow some form of setup+punchline=Hahaha. This is pretty much the extent of my knowledge of math. If you make your friends laugh, then you're funny. If you make strangers laugh, you probably just fell and dropped all your stuff in public. It happens. If your ambition is to learn someway to be funny consistently and to make a living at it, well you want to be a comedian. The question posed in the title was answered in the first two sentences. But I kept going because I think that I'm just hysterically funny.
Let's be comedians. All of the folks out there that have been discouraged from doing what they really want, joking about their insecurities in front of strangers, let's get together and give it a shot. Read the right books, study and make notes. Study your favorite comics, give it some kind of a shot. If you've thought about doing it, then you probably are really funny. I'm ready to spend the rest of my life on funny because I've come to terms with that being who and what I am. Doesn't matter how long it takes to see some kind of "results", the only results I'm looking for are laughs. Who knows how long you have to live? At least give your dreams a chance to happen.
Let's be comedians. All of the folks out there that have been discouraged from doing what they really want, joking about their insecurities in front of strangers, let's get together and give it a shot. Read the right books, study and make notes. Study your favorite comics, give it some kind of a shot. If you've thought about doing it, then you probably are really funny. I'm ready to spend the rest of my life on funny because I've come to terms with that being who and what I am. Doesn't matter how long it takes to see some kind of "results", the only results I'm looking for are laughs. Who knows how long you have to live? At least give your dreams a chance to happen.
Comedy Story: A Summary of the News
Today I've got some updates for you and a general summary of the news. From the Council of Matters Pertaining to Gloom and or Doom, the best way to be kind to yourself during terminal illness? Suicide. The best way to be kind to yourself during chronic illness? Talk to a therapist, take your meds and remember that the world has turned it's back on you. High profile criminals in isolation chambers that get blasted into space for the rest of the galaxy to deal with are not as alone as you are. Also, mindfulness can help to put things into perspective, such as your unyielding solitude.
The biggest math convention in the world just wrapped up in Dayton, Ohio on Saturday. The event proved once and for all that even if nobody sees the event happen, it did still happen. One would think that this development will shed more light on falling trees in the woods and the sounds that they make.
Iran came clean about shooting down a Ukrainian plane full of Iranians and Iranian-Canadians. Their prior stance was "Nuh uh." Upon learning that the plane was full of Iranians and Iranian-Canadians Minister of Terrorist Activities, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei admitted "ah fuck...well...probably all infidels anyway."
President Trump warned Iran to stop killing their protesters. My gender fluid, white neighbor who is pursuing a BFA in pottery and already has over $100,000 in student loan debt believes that this is a bit too judgmental on Trump's part as he has in fact said rude things about women in the past.
"Am I an alcoholic?" is the number one search phrase for first time dramatic underage drunk teenagers and Barefoot guzzling basic bitches in college. The least likely to search the phrase? Homeless drunks on the side of the road.
The biggest math convention in the world just wrapped up in Dayton, Ohio on Saturday. The event proved once and for all that even if nobody sees the event happen, it did still happen. One would think that this development will shed more light on falling trees in the woods and the sounds that they make.
Iran came clean about shooting down a Ukrainian plane full of Iranians and Iranian-Canadians. Their prior stance was "Nuh uh." Upon learning that the plane was full of Iranians and Iranian-Canadians Minister of Terrorist Activities, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei admitted "ah fuck...well...probably all infidels anyway."
President Trump warned Iran to stop killing their protesters. My gender fluid, white neighbor who is pursuing a BFA in pottery and already has over $100,000 in student loan debt believes that this is a bit too judgmental on Trump's part as he has in fact said rude things about women in the past.
"Am I an alcoholic?" is the number one search phrase for first time dramatic underage drunk teenagers and Barefoot guzzling basic bitches in college. The least likely to search the phrase? Homeless drunks on the side of the road.
The Answers: What Does Comedy Mean?
Comedy is a practice and a skill. A complex set of always changing minor rules that all bow down to one rule: Get Laughs. That is it and all that it will ever be for the comedian. Sure it's a way of life and a mission, a goal, an ambition. But it's the laughter that is important. That is the service of the comedian. To be good at getting laughs. It's a hard thing for smart people in bad situations to laugh. So there need to be skilled comedians that can help them get there. I don't know about everyone else, but the moments where I felt like there could surely be nothing worth laughing about were the moments where I felt closest to death. The times that followed soon after where I did laugh, laughed hard and lovingly at something that I found to be truly funny. Those were some glorious moments. Like being brought back to life. Laughter makes the burdens of our lives a little lighter. So Comedy, is the practice of getting laughs, to make our burdens a little lighter.
Jokes: 4 Jokes That Prove Comedy Exists
1. Recent studies conducted by the saddest researchers on Earth find that people who "bravely post" on social media about mental illness, actually care the least about it. Even falling behind Crips, Bloods and Neo Nazi's. All of whom at least acknowledged that they live a very stressful lifestyle which might lead to "A mufucka cracking."
2. Family and friends mourn the loss of social activist Phoebe Steele. Steele's mission in life was to make contact with isolated cannibal tribes and introduce them to modern world so that they could become lawyers and doctors and enjoy the many amenities of the modern world. Reportedly, minutes after making contact with the tribe leader she was brutally killed and eaten.
3. Archaeologists have come to the conclusion that the most fun thing that ancient man did was have sex, or if his woman wasn't in the mood, he would put on his reading glasses and crack open a good book for the evening. Nah, actually he would rape her with bits of under-cooked mammoth meat still clinging to his beard.
4. The Institute of Desperate Decision Making believes they have found a solution to an overly stressful and cluttered life. They recommend that you request less hours at work, sell all your worldly possessions and then drive yourself off a cliff after a Las Vegas gambling binge.
2. Family and friends mourn the loss of social activist Phoebe Steele. Steele's mission in life was to make contact with isolated cannibal tribes and introduce them to modern world so that they could become lawyers and doctors and enjoy the many amenities of the modern world. Reportedly, minutes after making contact with the tribe leader she was brutally killed and eaten.
3. Archaeologists have come to the conclusion that the most fun thing that ancient man did was have sex, or if his woman wasn't in the mood, he would put on his reading glasses and crack open a good book for the evening. Nah, actually he would rape her with bits of under-cooked mammoth meat still clinging to his beard.
4. The Institute of Desperate Decision Making believes they have found a solution to an overly stressful and cluttered life. They recommend that you request less hours at work, sell all your worldly possessions and then drive yourself off a cliff after a Las Vegas gambling binge.
Jokes: 3 One(or more) Liners That Can Repair The Ozone
1. Yesterday at a poetry slam in downtown Asheville, sentient words come to life and crushed a man, finally disproving that old bit about sticks and stones. One witness claimed that the man's soul could be seen "Falling, falling and drop...run run running away. Frolicking, a time to play."
2. With the world set to explode into yet another world war, some insiders believe the best political and military minds might be sharing their expertise unintentionally by arguing in the comment sections of their Facebook statuses.
3. Nearly 400 pounds of Marijuana was found abandoned near a small farming town in the Colorado. The only tragedies here are that nobody will get to smoke it and that somebody had to weigh it.
2. With the world set to explode into yet another world war, some insiders believe the best political and military minds might be sharing their expertise unintentionally by arguing in the comment sections of their Facebook statuses.
3. Nearly 400 pounds of Marijuana was found abandoned near a small farming town in the Colorado. The only tragedies here are that nobody will get to smoke it and that somebody had to weigh it.
The Answers: What Does LMAO Mean?
LMAO means laughing my ass off. LMFAO means laughing my fucking ass off. I saw that these questions get searched a lot so I wanted to give an answer. Other people have surely answered this question elsewhere, but now I have answered it too. Maybe doing so will lend a level of credibility to my site that will make people say "The comedy apprentice is somebody you, yes you! Can rely on." Once that level of credibility is established I will make my upload schedule go to shit. You will come to expect me to post at random times on random days. It will be like responses from your distant mother, always when you don't have the time and never when you do. When my erratic bullshit has surely burnt down everything that I hoped and dreamed of creating on here I will look back and say, "Answering the lmao question is where I went wrong. So great was my hubris at being able to answer one small question. That arrogance ultimately designed my demise. Now I just mix drinks at work and then come home and speed-run Red Steel from 2006 on the Wii...a better game than most people think."
Shot Glass Thought: Trump Responds to Embassy Attack
President Trump deployed more troops to the middle east after an attack on a US Embassy. No deaths or casualties were reported on either side, much to the disappointment of the president. "Knew they were pussies." Trump was reported to have muttered to himself upon receiving news of the attack. The president was reported to have then politely issued a statement to the various leaderships of the attacking parties through clandestine channels that there actions were unwarranted, reckless and would result in Nuclear Holocaust if they do not immediately stand down. "Above all else, I will dine on your radiated corpses if you so much as look at my embassy the wrong way." Experts worry that this course of action might escalate the already high tensions internationally to which the president replied: "Knew you guys were pussies."
Shot Glass Thought: Chicago Legal Weed Debut
The first day of legal weed sales in Chicago featured a 6am starting time. "Everyone was happy and optimistic." One local said. However, some thought the waiting in the cold for weed could have been the primary reason for the multiple dead, frozen stoners on the sidewalk. "It's a risk we all take man. Like living...you never know...what could, like happen you know?" Hipsters are by and large ignoring the legal weed dispensaries because they prefer the old school way of almost getting shot, dealing with paranoia and having a relationship with the seller on a personal basis. Lisa Marken, 26 who identifies as a malfunctioning ceiling fan compared the usage of the dispensaries to the modern preference for digital music over record players that even her grandparents were tired of.
Short Funny Story: Breakthrough In Evolution Science
Major breakthroughs in evolution science from the year 2019 confirm "There were more hairy dumb dumbs than we originally thought." This quote comes from the most brilliant mind in looking for irrelevant information. Some of the ancient humans were able to have sex with homo sapiens. A process that repeats itself today every time an intelligent woman allows herself to be picked up by a meathead douche bag at the bar.
While the science of finding these kinds of breakthroughs is improving, the artist renditions of the newly discovered people continue to convey as much information as a well constructed sock puppet. Maybe in 2020 we'll have something looks like it might have been human and not yarn and paper mache.
Studies that have not nor ever will read have determined that Neanderthals were intelligent enough to bury the dead, take care of the wounded and make art. Art with the same skill and creativity that you've witnessed if you've been to one undergrad art demonstration.
Here's the link to the story that inspired this story: https://www.thevintagenews.com/2019/12/30/human-evolution/
If you enjoyed this piece then do me a favor and tweet this fresh hot take.
While the science of finding these kinds of breakthroughs is improving, the artist renditions of the newly discovered people continue to convey as much information as a well constructed sock puppet. Maybe in 2020 we'll have something looks like it might have been human and not yarn and paper mache.
Studies that have not nor ever will read have determined that Neanderthals were intelligent enough to bury the dead, take care of the wounded and make art. Art with the same skill and creativity that you've witnessed if you've been to one undergrad art demonstration.
Here's the link to the story that inspired this story: https://www.thevintagenews.com/2019/12/30/human-evolution/
If you enjoyed this piece then do me a favor and tweet this fresh hot take.
Comedy Story: 48 Year Old Beach Body Broad
There is no bigger waste of time than to click articles about famous women in bikinis. Why do these articles exist? Because motherfuckers click them. Women click them because they want to feel jealous or because they want to critique. Men click them to tease themselves I guess. But there is an endless stream of naked women within reach, visually, if you are willing and able to open your incognito browser and look for them.
This kind of almost nudity won't get most people off. That is the job of porn. These kind of articles will never stimulate you mentally. That is the job of philosophy. So what I really want to click is a porn video where a guy dressed as Socrates nails a 48 year old beach body broad in the temple of Athena. This would take place after a 40 minute exchange of dialectics. Feel free to steel that idea, perfect ideas should be realized no matter who is doing the realizing.
Usually I am immune to these stupid fucking ads. But sometimes, if it seems freaky enough, or there is the chance to see some old broad that has spent millions on not looking like an old broad, then I'll check it out. But it's more so for the freak show aspect of it than anything else. What's so bad about getting old? I don't mind going bald and having grey hair on my head and my beard. I am also pretty fat nowadays. It doesn't matter. There are women who are attracted to my lack of self concern and self awareness for that matter. So pretty much no matter how ugly you make yourself, there is a woman out there that will still dig it.
If you make comments about the appearance of others then you are almost certainly insecure about how you look. This does not include describing somebody as the fat guy or the fat chick. Sometimes those are perfectly reasonable descriptions and really no other description would suffice in that situation. In the same way that if there are 23 people in a room and only 1 of them is black, and that's the guy that you need to talk to, I will tell you to talk to the black guy. We are all way to busy to stumble over a description of the pattern of his shirt or the styling of his hair/beard. You are looking for the black guy.
Anyway, beach babes that are old enough to not have kids anymore are not interesting to me. But they are to somebody. Just like how I will never click an article about an especially large geyser explosion, the geyser explosion and the 54 year old beach babe clickers might not be clicking on my site. But I hope they do, and they are welcome too. Maybe they have tremendous insight into something I could have never imagined. Either way, we only have so much time to live so let's not waste it. Do what you like.
This kind of almost nudity won't get most people off. That is the job of porn. These kind of articles will never stimulate you mentally. That is the job of philosophy. So what I really want to click is a porn video where a guy dressed as Socrates nails a 48 year old beach body broad in the temple of Athena. This would take place after a 40 minute exchange of dialectics. Feel free to steel that idea, perfect ideas should be realized no matter who is doing the realizing.
Usually I am immune to these stupid fucking ads. But sometimes, if it seems freaky enough, or there is the chance to see some old broad that has spent millions on not looking like an old broad, then I'll check it out. But it's more so for the freak show aspect of it than anything else. What's so bad about getting old? I don't mind going bald and having grey hair on my head and my beard. I am also pretty fat nowadays. It doesn't matter. There are women who are attracted to my lack of self concern and self awareness for that matter. So pretty much no matter how ugly you make yourself, there is a woman out there that will still dig it.
If you make comments about the appearance of others then you are almost certainly insecure about how you look. This does not include describing somebody as the fat guy or the fat chick. Sometimes those are perfectly reasonable descriptions and really no other description would suffice in that situation. In the same way that if there are 23 people in a room and only 1 of them is black, and that's the guy that you need to talk to, I will tell you to talk to the black guy. We are all way to busy to stumble over a description of the pattern of his shirt or the styling of his hair/beard. You are looking for the black guy.
Anyway, beach babes that are old enough to not have kids anymore are not interesting to me. But they are to somebody. Just like how I will never click an article about an especially large geyser explosion, the geyser explosion and the 54 year old beach babe clickers might not be clicking on my site. But I hope they do, and they are welcome too. Maybe they have tremendous insight into something I could have never imagined. Either way, we only have so much time to live so let's not waste it. Do what you like.
Jokes: 5 One(or more) Liners to Make Babies Stop Crying in your Restaurant
This is actually 6 jokes because babies will never stop crying in your restaurant. We'll always wonder why in the fuck do families with babies bring them to the restaurant?
1.Paying attention is overrated. If I paid attention to every person that told me something I would be out of quarters. (Corny I know.)
2.Rumors about the white house claim that Donald Trump and actual Neo Nazi's aren't getting along. Neo Nazi's by and large wanna rule the world under the tyranny of a 4th Reich where only white people are left living. Trump states he is willing to grab any pussy, regardless of who it may belong to.
3. I don't ever need an excuse to quit if what I'm doing ...is sex. That would be because I am currently...never having sex.
4. New scientific testing has shown that high levels of THC in the blood might cause psychosis. In other news, Hilary Clinton sacrificed 3 new born babies to a wooden goat god so that she may add 3 extra years to the end of her life. One more new born and she'll be able to make yet another fruitless run at the presidency.
5. In a poll taken recently on Facebook, 88% of people would advocate the consumption of actual toxins by the people who all to frequently describe others, as toxic. The other 12%, "like totally didn't get it."
1.Paying attention is overrated. If I paid attention to every person that told me something I would be out of quarters. (Corny I know.)
2.Rumors about the white house claim that Donald Trump and actual Neo Nazi's aren't getting along. Neo Nazi's by and large wanna rule the world under the tyranny of a 4th Reich where only white people are left living. Trump states he is willing to grab any pussy, regardless of who it may belong to.
3. I don't ever need an excuse to quit if what I'm doing ...is sex. That would be because I am currently...never having sex.
4. New scientific testing has shown that high levels of THC in the blood might cause psychosis. In other news, Hilary Clinton sacrificed 3 new born babies to a wooden goat god so that she may add 3 extra years to the end of her life. One more new born and she'll be able to make yet another fruitless run at the presidency.
5. In a poll taken recently on Facebook, 88% of people would advocate the consumption of actual toxins by the people who all to frequently describe others, as toxic. The other 12%, "like totally didn't get it."
Jokes: 3 One(or more) Liners to Try on Your Friends
Mindfulness is a trick that some people practice to make them forget how shit their lives are. The same results can be achieved more efficiently ...with marijuana.
Trump could get impeached but that won't change the fact that Hairy Potter, Lord of The Rings and Star Wars are all overrated as fuck.
Searching for meaning to your life will...make you unhappy. Bears don't stress about having overslept for several months at a time. Neither do they stress about overeating for most, if not all of their lives. Bears are basically a fat, happy American. So have a burger you uptight, usually self righteous millennials.
Trump could get impeached but that won't change the fact that Hairy Potter, Lord of The Rings and Star Wars are all overrated as fuck.
Searching for meaning to your life will...make you unhappy. Bears don't stress about having overslept for several months at a time. Neither do they stress about overeating for most, if not all of their lives. Bears are basically a fat, happy American. So have a burger you uptight, usually self righteous millennials.
Shot Glass Thoughts: Human Experience is Unjust
Societies can always be improved upon. But there will never be a human world where there is perfect equality and justice. It's impossible. The society of wasps that buzz around a nest is far more in tune and equal than what humans will ever accomplish. Some of us are really competitive. Some people are born into circumstances so bad that they are unfathomable. And yet, they still find a way to become billionaires by the end of their lives. Most people that come from those same terrible conditions will die, having led unremarkable and sad lives. But that's just it. If you went far out of your way to change all of the world, you would have led a sad, unremarkable life. The people at the top are going to stay at the top because they are willing and able to do whatever it takes to stay there. I for one, only want to be a master of one thing, getting laughs. If I wanted to be a master of lording over people and piling more money than I could ever spend, then I would try to master that. But I don't want that, and very few other people really want that. The best we can hope for as far as change goes is for more people in underdeveloped countries to get the chance to live like regular people in America. That's it. Forget all the socialist wet dreams of killing the rich and feeding the poor. Anybody who will kill for money is a tyrant or a tyrant in the making.
Shot Glass Thought: Never Agree
I love to disagree. I don't care what the talk is about, I just want to make sure that me and the other person do not agree. I don't want to agree with my bosses, fellow employees, family, friends or strangers. I will not agree unless there is undeniable evidence or in the case that I really find no fault with what is being said. But in all other cases, I am looking for a way to disagree. Because most people like to be pacified. Everybody likes to be warm and welcoming and everything these days is about acceptance and caring. Fuck that. What I like is achievement and developing your most important skills. Like for me, pretty much all I work on is my bar knowledge and comedy. I practice, read and study in both and am always trying to improve. The other thing that is important to me is wisdom. But that rarely comes up in a direct way. I'm also not prone to going around trying to prove my wisdom in the same way that I work as a bartender and I write and perform comedy. Wisdom is the kind of thing that grows and develops behind the scenes. One of the things that wisdom tells me to not be liked by everyone. Don't try to be it, don't work for it, and don't agree all the time. It's not always wise to listen to what someone else says and to agree with it. Of course it's not always wise to disagree all the time. But I don't disagree all the time, I just disagree most of the time. So anyway, whatever your thoughts are on this post, hit me up in the comments and lets argue about it.
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