Cheap Comedians For Hire

I work as a freelance comedy writer, this is my passion, my love and my choice. Nobody is making me do this, in fact, there has been a huge push from all those that know me professionally and privately against my becoming a comedy writer. The computer scientists in the family write me off as a hack. But they’ve left me no pen and paper, hoping to limit my writes. But you can work your way into my dull heart using a key-bored. That’s where my writing comes from unless I start to key-snore…okay that’s enough of that I think.

The consensus with everyone that I know is that they can’t fathom a situation where I could accomplish anything that I want to do. They all recommend that I do something that I would hate like get a degree, get a job that will impress a woman, then impregnate her a few times and around 48 years old swallow two whole envelops of anthrax that I mailed to myself. Okay the last suggestion there comes from me only but is still the most likely outcome of the whole endeavor. My main lady would become the grim reaper which means that my wife would be my sui-side chick. Okay I can’t guarantee that there won’t be more puns.

I am also a cheap comedian for hire. Maybe you’ve already concluded that from the pun density on this page. Yes, I love cheap jokes. All jokes really. And yes, cheap comedian is already in the title so it’s implied that you would know that. But sometimes thinly veiled suicide talk can be distracting. It wasn’t that thinly veiled was it? Well, it’s good to always have a plan. If there’s anything I’ve learned from being depressed it’s to always have a way out. Be it drugs, women, drugs, alcohol which is a drug, sex which reacts in the brain like a drug and yeah pretty much drugs.

Maybe the suicide shit was a bad idea for the first two paragraphs, but I don’t care. I take chances motherfuckers. Maybe Google will shun all my SEO efforts because they don’t want to catch flak for accidentally promoting a madman. But it might as well be me and my insignificant blog instead of accidentally promoting a madman to CEO. Madmen are inevitable; you might as well bite the bullet with me instead. At least when I’m getting some shine, there will be more laughs per capita instead of polluted lakes, destroyed careers and according to American Psycho, unfortunate misuse of ATM’s.  

I know that the title that I chose for this page makes it seem like there are multiple comedians available for hire, but that is deceptive. Welcome to the bamboozlement of yet another internet epic prank bro! If I ever start doing “epic prank bro” level content, then somebody out there with half a heart needs to mail me those envelopes of anthrax. This is the website for the Comedy Apprentice. It's singular and probably will be for some time. Which is consistent with my love life as I am single for all time.

Being the only comedian available for hire means that I will price competitively. By that I mean that I'm the comedian that you call for when you really can't afford to be in business. I’m the court appointed public defender of comedy writing. I’ll stand by you no matter how many homeless people you pushed into the bay. After all, everybody, no matter how guilty, deserves a good laugh. My competence as a freelance comedy writer is unparalleled when compared to all plumbers and drive-through operators. 

I can deliver short stories, ghost writing for scripts, novels and stand-up routines. I know that I can deliver all these things and more because I am well practiced in being over-confident and self-absorbed. I am the one guy who you can trust in to tell you how trustworthy I am. My record for completing jobs is 110%. Oh wait, that's supposed to be my effort level...well they are the same thing for this joke writer for hire. Basically, whatever it is that you want to make funny, I will do that. I will make it funny I mean. I use a complex series of word filtering technologies that I gleamed from the sacred texts of the funny kingdom. By that I mean that I’ve synthesized a lot of what I’ve read in the top 5 or so books about comedy performance and writing on Amazon/Ebay.

We go to some pretty dark places here on the Comedy Apprentice and I’ll be more than willing to dwell in those dark places for money and/or personal entertainment. My jokes make those dark places into dimly lit caves or dungeon type places. They aren’t fully illuminated but it’s better than fumbling around in the dark. Fumbling around in the dark is my technique for progressing through life in general. Not just for trying to find my keys, trying to get the keys inserted in the car and for trying to find the zipper on the pants of my high school crush 10 years later when we’re both fat and lazy. Old flames never die, but my preemptive boner does after too much “fumbling in the dark.”  

I have experience in writing comedic episodic content as well. I keep your characters well-defined and full of funny. They’ll likely be plenty of tragedy involved too as that is probably the best spice in all the laughter world. You want a speech that will bring prosperity to the 3rd world? Well I can guarantee that I will guarantee that I can deliver that. You want a vitriolic revenge letter written to your ex, but you don't want to tarnish your soul by writing that filth yourself? I know a sweaty, greasy haired guy that will love to take that job. He's me, but I dip my wig in a deep fryer, put on briefs and tube socks and then turn off all the lights in my apartment. You must get into character somehow dammit.

I am willing to work on any project no matter how big or small. I don’t choose my jobs I just pounce on them in whatever appears to be the least desperate way possible. Or whatever seems like the most desperate. I am always getting bored with every little repetitive thing that makes up life so who knows what I’ll decide to do on my next move. Make no mistake, I am desperate. You would not believe how pushy mob appointed debt collectors can be. And by pushy, I mean having a high willingness to push me off a bridge. I frequently think of throwing myself off that same bridge but for some reason it gets scary when 5 slick haired Italians are threatening to do the job for me.

Okay I don’t owe money to the mob, it’s a way bigger and more dangerous criminal enterprise, the US government. If you’re wondering how someone can pounce with or without desperation, then just fill out one of my contact forms and I’ll show you. When I casually send you my Skype, Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook and Facebook group invitation, Twitter and Tumbler all in one nonchalant email, you will be amazed.

But just know that the NSA is tracking our every move and they will move to off me the next time that I write one-liners about their collaborations with our country’s secret alien government of telepathic lizard people. I don’t believe that, my creepy cousin Rennie forced me to write it in here “or else.” He’s convinced that my blog reaches a lot more people than it does. I think he thinks that the blog is sentient and controls me. Every time that somebody that’s not under it’s spell contributes something to the blog, that means that they broke the Matrix or something along those lines. If you want to see the depth of my logical thinking, then just know that his point of view sometimes makes a lot sense to me.  

Just kidding about that social media shit. I have this blog and the software that I use to make my content and that’s it. I don’t have another life outside of this. You could say that my bizarre online social isolation is strange but demonstrates commitment. Or you could take the mainstream route and call it creepy. The first option is for those that, like the late great Nate Dogg, “get mo ass than a toilet seat.” The second option is for those that cry during overpriced sex with meth fueled hookers. Speaking of which, fuck you Uncle Ron! I already know why you keep offering to house sit at my studio apartment. It’s a studio apartment! It doesn’t need a house sitter. I had to throw away the sheets and pretty much everything else after the last time.

In truth, I do Tweet my posts and make YouTube videos about them. I do share them on Facebook and such. It’s something that the internet overlords like to see. So, I do my little dance for the public, always maintaining the jester costume that I call my everyday life. Taking pictures of my food, telling everyone about the rare occasion that I go to the gym and bitching about my job. Which I happen to love but you got to do what you got to do. If the internet overlords, who outrank the telepathic alien governors according to Rennie, snap their fingers then I get to hustling. It’s just the way the world turns.

I am a flexible worker and a great communicator. My skills are always improving and I'm always available for new projects. This is because I am never actually on any projects. I make up things that I force myself to do for my blog, like this page. I also do a ton of writing purely for my own enjoyment, but never for an actual paying client. I mean, yes, I do sometimes get paid for being funny, writing SEO content or for writing ads but that doesn’t mean that I’m slammed with work right now. It just means that I barely do 3 separate but related things. I am one of those guys that just keeps showing up. I want nothing more than to become a professional full-time comedian and I’m going to keep trying until I’m there.

Now you may be wondering, “Where can I learn how to hire a comedian? More specifically, where can I hire this comedian, the one that I’m reading. I’m certainly not the type to cry during overpriced sex with meth fueled hookers. I’ve always done my best in that situation to make them cry. Disturbing someone that is in the grip of a drug as powerful as meth is quite the accomplishment. Though, I’m also not getting more ass than a toilet seat. Hmm…. I wonder if that is a prerequisite for contacting this dear sir.” Worry no more you sick fuck! There are no prerequisites except that you want to get some laughs. That’s the only reason why I write, talk and breathe. To spread joy to the world!

To hire me to be your joke writer you’ll just fill out a contact form on the top right of this page. Put in your name, email and a brief summary of what you would like for me to do. Then we’ll negotiate a price and when we’ve reached a satisfactory conclusion, you’ll pay half up front and then half when the job is done. I price my work on here to be 18$ per hour. So, some jobs like, “I need you to write 15 jokes right now!” Those will be cheap gigs. I receive all my payments through PayPal. It’s just the best way to get it done. So, if you have another way of paying for services online then, pretty much just keep that to yourself because we are doing PayPal. Don’t over-complicate this shit, especially when PayPal is so easy!

 I am happy to provide a trial experience for any potential client…that is willing to pay a full price deposit. You can just pay for everything right away so that I can keep the power on in my apartment. I know the paragraph before this one made it seem like I was going to be professional…I just read it again and no it really didn’t seem all that professional. Anyway, I’m broke, and I can’t be giving away high quality laughs for literally nothing.

 I am doing my best to make my services as cheap as possible, but I have production costs to think about. What do jokes cost me to write? Well my time, energy and my blood. All great jokes come from making a blood sacrifice to a wooden goat statue. I thought everybody knew that. I’m lying again, not about the goat statue, about the trial work. I can do trial work and in fact I love trial work. I think it’s really exciting to win somebody over to my style of writing. The opportunity to prove myself is a glorious moment for me.

I have experience as a stand-up comic. I’ve felt that unbelievable rush of having a great set and getting big laughs from the entire audience. It was a truly amazing and life changing moment to be honest. But I have a lot more work to do before I am a professional stand-up comic. Where I live, there isn’t really a good way to get a lot of stand-up experience. But best believe, when I move to Chicago, I’ll be doing open mics every chance that I get.

If you think that I’m funny and that you have enjoyed some of my content but you’re thinking “Maybe this guy is a bit too dirty for me, I’m looking to hire a clean comedian.” I am adaptable, with enough time in advance I can produce funny material of any variety. It might be 22 minutes of nothing but puns and out of touch references but that doesn’t mean that it won’t work. Well, it could mean that, but I am willing to be paid to find out. I’ve been paid less to do much worse things and most people have too. It’s part of being a human.

I can work as a comedy ghost writer as well. Just like when I cheated with my friends on tests in grade school, I don’t need credit in order to know that I made an A. I can be happy in knowing that the project was a success. Which means that it got big laughs. That’s literally the only criteria for anything that I do. I can’t believe it took me to the age of 26 to start being honest about how little the rest of the world matters to me. Let’s not be mad about anything unless it’s for laughs. Let’s not work any job where there aren’t any jokes. This world and the life that we all work to craft around it is totally insane, dangerous and usually a huge bummer. So, let’s laugh at each other, at the wind, at a slip and a snoring old guy on a park bench! Let’s have a good time in this short, stupid montage of some shitty and some good moments that we all live through.