Comedy Story: The Only Reliable Reporting

Scientists at the Academy of Internets have found that the public has become "bored" with the news of mass shootings and killings in general. Today's news consumer wants a new kind of crime, something a bit more creative. "Where are all the crossbow killers? The home made improvised toaster grenades? The death by weaponized hair blower? Today's mass shooters and murderers lack innovation and creativity." This quote from Meg "The Stare" Beanbitter of Asheville, NC who is widely considered to be one of the more sketchy people in a town of literally only sketchy people.  Quite the accomplishment, to be sure. 

 

Waffle House has reported that 70% of their annual income is thanks to drunks coming into their restaurants at 3:55am, ordering 16 menu items at roughly 37 dollars total and then passing out in the bathroom before the food is ready. Waffle House plans to build cushioned, self cleaning bathroom floors in all of their restaurants in order to better accommodate these most valuable patrons. The self cleaning aspect will be performed by a robotic sex doll that can provide "lifelike oral sex" and clean up vomit with the same high level of proficiency. 

Single mothers under the age of 20 at the Institute of Decision making are finding that men are just as uninterested in supporting them as their parents were in loving them. Most of them find solace in reading poetry, learning new skills and neglecting their child's emotional and physical needs. "I mean, he's one now...so stop pooping everywhare. Gawd." This from basic bitch number 9,000 who claims to be a Christian on her Tinder profile. 

 

Those experienced in living will tell you that nothing can be learned from not trying, not caring or from listening to what a first year Philosophy student has to say. 

McDonald's has come clean about their plans to destroy health and wellness with every meal that they serve. Current CEO Chris Kempczinski released this statement "It was all for the laughs mostly. I mean, look at all these fat fucking people!! Oh yeah, besides the laughs it was for the money. The ungodly amounts of money that people will spend on fat, grease and sugar. I mean holy shit. How have they not caught on yet?" Experts believe that McDonald's can expect a 12% increase in profits this quarter in spite of the CEO's statement. This is because the statement will make them feel sad and the feeling of sad will send them right back to the drive through.