I want a higher standard of criminal. I want more efficient and clean criminal activity. No unintended casualties, no stray bullets, no botched jobs and no errors. I don't even want there to be arrests. I want the guy who murders me one day to do it flawlessly. Why would I want that? Well presently I do not want to be murdered at all. But if I have to go, I want it to be at the hands of an assassin that has the industry equivalent of a PhD in murder.
My murderer will know everything that there is to know about the subject of murder and will have synthesized it into something meaningful for the rest of his colleagues. Now in the twilight of his career he is even conducting his own personal investigations into how he can further improve his craft. Or maybe it's a she assassin. Her hands will be so practiced and so careful that I will hardly feel a thing. She will have studied whatever patterns I have, so as to perfectly predict when I'll be leaving the burger joint where I have my mushroom and swiss burger cooked medium rare with jalapenos and jalapeno aoli. She will close my eyes and whisper rest in peace as I die from the untraceable poison she has stealthily administered to me while pretending to be my server. She'll catch me as I'm collapsing on the pavement and lower me down easily, now in her perfect disguise. She'll cover her nostrils so as not to smell the jalapeno fumes mixed in with my dying breaths. Then she'll slip from the scene without leaving a single clue or piece of evidence.
Like all women that come to know me, she'll lament that she never got to experience being with me in bed. These are the steep prices that all professionals must pay alas. Or perhaps she'd make an oil painting of my final moments from memory and then sell it on the black market to some guy that collects images of recently dead people. He'll buy it and stare at it in his art gallery with his big bug eyes. Always muttering gently to himself about the unrivaled beauty of expiration. The perfection of the image amazes the creepy collector. For him the idealized dead body portrait should have a gaping mouth and a confused while slightly aroused facial expression. Everybody is in to something after all.
I want to be done in the way I've described, by the master assassin or alternatively I'll accept being stabbed by a homeless maniac wielding a nasty shard of glass that he pilfered from the sewers. Sure it will hurt, but hopefully I'll have enough time and mental capacity to convert it into a very ironic bit before I die. Because you know that a homeless man stabbing a random stranger with a doodoo covered piece of glass while ranting about an alien invasion is a bit that you want to experience. If for no other reason than to experience humanity at its finest. If I happen to be famous at that point, all the better! Maybe the public will actually care about homeless people afterwards, though I doubt it.
But why do I want for criminals to be more skilled and to make less mistakes? Won't that make the world more dangerous? No it will not, it will make the world safer. It is way too easy to become a criminal. What if becoming a surgeon only required a community college certificate? Having surgery would become a terrible choice unless you had done extensive background checking on your surgeon. In the same way, the standards of what it takes to be a criminal are not high enough. It's a terribly hard life to be a criminal, but far too easy to become one. The only thing that is easier than becoming a criminal is becoming a restaurant worker. Which is why reformed criminals work in your favorite restaurants alongside the mentally ill and sadomasochists. When all you have to do is reach the mindset of whatever I have is much less than what I want and I have no legitimate means to lessen that difference, yeah you're going to have a lot of criminals in that society. Isn't there a way to prevent such thinking? Yes, there are two ways: education and eugenics.
Eugenics is the method that our psychopathic leaders and environmentalists secretly jerk off to. I jerk off to that earlier paragraph that I wrote about my death because like I said, everyone is into something. Less people equals less pollution for the for the environment so yay we get to feel heroic as we curtail the population. Politicians secretly love it because it will give them the ultimate power trip boner of killing whoever they want without any repercussions. In the old days they just started a war and amped everybody up on patriotism when they wanted to clean out the over crowded streets of our major cities. Oh wait, they still do that. In fact America is never not looking to start some shit. America is the giant post puberty kid that doesn't have any friends to play with on the playground so he just waits around for the four square ball to bounce his way so that he can punt it over a fence. The other kids tell on him and he laughs all the way to detention while the teacher, God, goes to retrieve the ball. Except in real life the four square ball is a full scale invasion that yields control of a smaller countries' natural resources.
I do love America with all my heart, its just that shes not always as perfect as I would like her to be. So I have to admit that the invasion happy USA is really in to doing some criminal shit. If our government is able to get away with atrocities, then why can't the common criminal? Well there are plenty of reasons, but the most important one to me is that the lowly criminal doesn't spend enough time planning and working out the finer details of his/her operation. Criminals should commit crimes the way that our government does. Quietly and with an incredibly detailed plan. They should study law enforcement religiously and never partake in ventures where they do not already have a prepared legal defense. You know, like our government.
Just why does the criminal mind have to result in such terribly unsubtle outcomes? Because the wrong criminals are on the job. Amateurish criminals never finish a job without causing some catastrophic news fallout. Isn't the point of turning to criminality to earn lots of money in a short amount of time by doing illegitimate things while not getting caught? Well yes that's the point and the criminal type that I'm advocating would do just that. They would also be inclined to eliminate their competition for contracts. This means killing off all the low level goons that practically advertise their criminality. To bring in to focus just how useless the average criminals are that get caught, answer this question for me: If your best friend came to you with the idea that you two could make a ton of money by doing a few simple things, but that you would never be able to make a single life decision for yourself again, would you still get married? Bet you didn't see that swerve coming aye? That's the choice that the amateur criminal makes when they enter the criminal services industry. That's the name that I've assigned to it and I really hope that it sticks.
Let's re-frame this discussion with a confession that should come as no surprise to anyone. I have absolutely no clue as to how to commit any serious crimes. I would not have the nerve or desire to rob someone and I certainly could not kill anybody. But even I could figure out that the dinosaurs weren't killed off by a gluten allergy and too many waffles. “Come again?” You say and lean forward. What I'm saying is that someone out there does know how to kill and not get caught and could train you, aspiring criminal to do the same thing. Apprenticeships are a brilliant way to start any career. You get all the knowledge of the trade and the practical experience the whole way through your training. What is better than that?
So why don't murderers, thieves and pimps apply the same system to their chosen practices? The world is ready for the stress free hiring of a hooker. She gets her money and takes every precaution to not contract an STD. You get your willie or cooter worked and take every precaution to not contract an STD. You enjoy the experience so much that you begin to think of her and her pimp as service providers and respectable members of a thriving industry. Wouldn't that be much better than the actual world of rotting privates on drug addict broads forced to work everyday until death by exhaustion, overdose or serial killer slashing? All of that could become reality by having the best of the best criminals self govern themselves and only allow high level masters of the criminal trades into common practice.
Now I've already mentioned that the criminal life is hard and the circumstances that lead to criminal behavior are even harder. So I think that when criticizing this group of people you need to have some sensitivity. I've never been desperate. Period. I have put forth great efforts to keep myself afloat and I've tightened my finances to get by plenty of times. But I've never known the kind of grinding poverty that leads to a life a crime. I've never really known poverty. So I'm not judging criminals.
I'm only saying that if you are desperate and you need money fast and in large amounts, well the grinding poverty that is inspiring you to act quickly should inspire you to plan in great detail. In a sense, criminal behavior is a slow suicide. What sort of things make people take swan dives out of 8 story buildings? Frightening financial developments, a broken heart, hopelessness and an inability to overcome whatever circumstances that are making you hopeless. So what sort of things make people turn to crime? Well in my mind, all of those same things. A very simplified version of the solutions for people who want to commit suicide are the long term planning, goal making and treatment. None of which are fast solutions. But there really isn't a fast solution to either problem. So where was I going with this? Oh yeah, the really elite criminals should form secret corporations and should buy out or exterminate the lesser criminals. It's the American way!
To be honest, sometimes there are very criminal things that the world could use. There is a galaxy sized market out there for the untraceable crime and the uncatcheable criminal. The illegitimate money could be laundered into legitimate businesses and bada bing bada boom now you're no longer a desperate criminal in grinding poverty but a respectable business man. That being said, unless you just prefer a life of danger and destruction, why not just master something legitimate? They both take the same time to really get good at, and one you can do all your life even somewhat carelessly and the other has the highest stakes in the game, your life and your freedom. But maybe your favorite food is waffles and you just recently developed a gluten allergy so life doesn't seem like its worth living anymore. Who knows what you'll do now you poor wayward soul.
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