1. Iran's supreme leader Al Khamenei praises the missile strikes on US soldiers claiming that they were the hand of God. Only 11 US soldiers were wounded by the attacks and none were killed. Khamenei must not be familiar with the Old Testament God. His hand flooded the whole planet and also nuked the ancient version of Las Vegas.
2. Amy Klobuchar claims that some Republicans would be willing to testify against Trump in his impeachment trial. She cites the president's internal affairs policy of "No pussy left ungrabbed" as the primary motivator.
3. Wal-Mart had to apologize recently because they made a joke about the untimely death of celebrity Paul Walker who perished in a huge fiery crash several years ago. Some people were really offended by the joke saying that it was cruel. However, they should all take heart as my neighbor who is a certified expert on celebrity deaths claims that Walker is still alive and is partying in Brazil with Tupac and Biggie Smalls.
4. Recent archaeological discoveries have unveiled proof that Neanderthals had strong enough teeth to be able to consume a variety of different nuts. A discovery that surely proves, once and for all, that becoming an archaeologist is the perfect way to waste your life.
5. Contemporary historians claim to have found photographic evidence that the world was once almost entirely without color.
6. In a world where it's considered news to see an almost naked celebrity on the beach, witness the drama of one man's internet journey. Jeff Murmo, of Indiana documented himself clicking every link that he came across for an entire month in the new documentary series Of Mouse and Man. Coming soon to Netflix.
7. Police are investigating the destruction of a milk truck outside of Andrews, NC. What looks like a routine exploded milk truck might be the work of an organized terrorist group composed entirely of cows. The Milkistan Mooer's Party is the name given by one captured representative of the group.
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