A lot of these are dark jokes, but not all of them. That would be depressing. Some of these aren't short jokes either. But I did do my best to make them all funny! So, enjoy.
1. Rude surgeon adept at touching nerves.
2. Lying president discredits reports of small penis.
3. Slacker forklift operator fails to carry the load.
4. Spiteful virus kills Doctor who gave early warning.
5. Heavy drinker blames hole in stomach for feelings of emptiness.
6. Rioting wigs protest hair growth cream.
7. Crack shot economy plans to shoot itself with excessive speculation.
8. Trendy whores prefer sugar daddy over PayPal.
9. BDSM chef prefers cream whipped.
10. Attorney turned priest cross examines the Lord.
11. Terrifying robo call scam being conducted by Nebulous Apocalyptic Robots.
12. Psychopathic Afghani real estate agent lures family into yard littered with IED's.
13. Zen Muslim extremist prefers talking it out over blowing up.
14. Fickle warlord spends evening making eyes at nuclear holocaust.
If you read about the world enough, then you'll eventually have to develop a taste for dark humor. It's a coping mechanism, I don't know if it's doctor recommended but it is me recommended.
15. Dreamy garbage man fields suitors at trash bag convention.
16. Edgy new reality TV coming to ABC the summer, The Bachelor: Prison Edition
17. Daydreaming scientist can't sleep at night.
18. Ambitious twig branches out on his own.
19. Intense smoke session leads to lit performance and unfortunately, a burnt down venue.
20. Junk food loving body punishes toilet for new healthy diet.
21. Plumbers recommend never giving your boss the pipe.
22. You don't want the framing in your house to be like your cousin Ron, exciting and unpredictable.
23. Funky diabetics prefer strawberry jams.
24. Alcoholic turtle in no hurry to leave the bar.
25. Space and time out of needles for one Dreamweaver.
26. There was a joke here but I cut it because it was ass.
That was 26 pretty short jokes and there are way more to come! Plus, I put the image of a down on his luck turtle in your head. Now that's a dark joke that you can happily share with every single person that you know.
27. China may have a population of 1.38 billion but that won't stop the media from making you think that the 722 coronavirus deaths make for a valid apocalypse scenario. (It's now doubled so...yikes.)
28. Social justice concerned school shooter only aiming at white kids.
29. Cake enthusiast Karen Pierce made into Britain's first female ambassador to US
30. Psychic prostitute 100% accurate in predicting boners.
31. "Nazi's built the pyramids and I want some meth!" This, from your average McDonald's patron.
32. Well known weight gain expert Oprah Winfrey was tearful this weekend when thinking about a scenario where there would be no cookies.
33. Hackers took control of my neighbor's email but he prefers it to be in their hands instead of the CIA who had reportedly been deleting his contacts in secret for some time.
34. Casual Cannabis smoker turns into casual loan applicant for a casual cannabis company in Colorado.
35. In a world overwhelmed with debt there are still blog posts telling us how to apply for loans.
36. Politician invokes faith to explain a career in underhanded manipulation and power grabbing.
37. Diabetic judge ashamed today after mistakenly referring to Mrs. Buttersworth as Aunt Jemima.
38. Generous heroin addicts donating needles to beginner users everywhere.
39. 2 Oklahoma men are dead today after being chased down the highway by a sentient 18 wheeler.
40. Trump rails against prayer breakfast and plans to through his own "Metal Brunch" where all the proceeds will go to the Devil.
41. Easy going South Carolina parents only beat their child when he drops a pass in peewee football.
42. Trump Aide is a new penis growth supplement that can make even the tiniest of members visible.
43. Crazed vigilante mother of 4 demands recompense for her long wait in line at the grocery store.
44. Mindful Venezuelans prefer not to think about hamburgers in light of starvation epidemic.
45. Elite American law journals run by women are using their platform to nag.
46. Capitalist British playwright pens slave play to cash in on guilt and hatred.
47. A Massachusetts man is accused of murder today. He says it was his dog who shot his neighbor with an unregistered crossbow upon being denied the opportunity to fetch.
48. Kamala Harris is on the Hilary Clinton diet now. She has eggs, avocado and kale for breakfast. Salad with grilled chicken for lunch and the hearts of three human babies cooked medium rare for dinner.
49. Committed book collector self-immolates in local library. He hoped the world would read about it.
50. The complete demolition of the state of Arkansas is planned for 2021 after government officials could find no sign of intelligence anywhere in the state.
51. Depressed cheerleader only wants you to give her an H. U. G.
52. Romantic computerphile recommends roses and candy for wooing new computer.
53. There was a joke here too, but it was about an existential crisis and I prefer to stick to eugenics jokes instead.
54. Comic turned scientist asks "Can I die of a broken heart?" Proceeds to smash chest in gorilla impersonation.
55. Health Conscious gym rat adding cheese to salads instead of eating it raw.
56. Depressed cat neglects activities like string chasing, bollocks licking and viciously murdering smaller animals.
57. Depressed serial killer leaving victims alive. "Just not worth it anymore." He carved into the chest of his latest victim.
58. Depressing clown documentary released in 2019 under the name Joker.
59. There was a joke here about alcohol abuse but I prefer to talk it out.
60. That depressed cheerleader joke from earlier always makes me say "awww".
61. Drunk writer thankful for obvious cliches.
62. Helpful baby boomer finally shuts the fuck up.
63. Wise baby boomer learns of email and Skype. Amazed at the conveniences of the modern world.
64. "Comedians and Pornstars are perfect for each other." The opinion of all comedians and no Pornstars.
65. Irresponsible dreamer longs to remember the dream he forgot to write down.
66. This is a joke about the joke that was here but I can't remember what it was.
I'm going to repeat a few former jokes that I really liked from my jokes series of content. They won't be too frequent. This page is kind of a collection of new and old.
67. Angry blow up doll explodes under pressure.
68. Randian joke writer goes to jail for treating women like Howard Roark. (I know that's a super specific joke but whatever.)
69. Completely false assumptions turn out to be incomplete.
70. Pain of feeling, too much for numb Rob Zombie.
71. Pain of feeling, too much for frozen man. (Is this the same joke? Probably.)
72. Epic running dream leads to treadmill for one bald headed fucker.
73. China's coronvirus death toll rises from 89 people to 90 million according to the news. (But it's still over a thousand last time I checked. So, still kind of a big deal.)
74. Hurricane winds pound the UK in a wacky mix-up leaving the East coast of America feeling left out.
75. Bronx police officers wounded during ambush. The criminals are not affiliated with the new "Be the bush, ambush" Feminist movement.
76. If you asked me to describe a "Deep State" in America, I would think that you needed sleep meds.
77. Weinstein accusers and all of humanity are afraid today, in light of Weinstein's promise to make himself even creepier by transforming into a giant octopus.
78. Iran attacks US soldiers causing no deaths. Proceeds to blame God. Iran's space program fails to put a satellite into orbit and once again, Blames God. When they run out of toilet paper in that country is it also God's fault?
79. Psychotic Landscaper viciously kills more than 26 ants in lawn mowing rampage.
80. In cruel twist of fate, US government releases a new rule mandating that all illegal immigrants be banished to New Jersey or Detroit. Towns where achieving...anything is impossible.
81. Communist infiltration of USA will not be apparent until we all start to really lose some weight.
82. Deranged maniacs at Facebook have invested in "AI vision" technology in attempt to create Skynet.
83. Moroccans marched to protest Trump's Mideast plan in a successful attempt to waste an entire day.
84. Iran claims it's satellite successfully launched without reaching orbit, not realizing that it still sounds impotent as a limp dick.
85. Australia now facing flash flooding after weeks of huge wild fires after failed covenant meant to appease the old gods.
86. News outlets pretend to be scared that Iran will not honor the nuclear deal that they have never honored.
87. Tired news outlets struggled this week to pretend like continued fighting in the Middle east over land and resources is something new and urgent.
88. Dust obsessed middle easterners continue centuries long war over their dessert waste land.
89. Lasting Libya ceasefire: "The entire country is destroyed and we'd like to take our war somewhere else." Spokesman for the war.
90. The situation in Africa is, was and always will be "completely incomprehensible" according to this one joke writer. "I can't understand it well enough to even make jokes about it." -I said to myself
91. Russian plane crash lands on full belly, no one hurt thanks to recent weight gain.
92. Traumatic brain injury helpful in developing new personality.
93. Lethal Keto diet helpful in ending weight-loss worries.
94. "Diet Coke is just as bad as Coke" is something that fitness freaks and guilty, morbidly obese people say.
95. Lonely loner longs for lost loved one, continues taking L's.
96. I don't need a time machine to take me to the future, I just need a bottle of cheap Gin and tonic water.
I'm running a bit low on ideas for dark jokes at this moment but I don't want to look at the news again because it's exhausting. Most of my dark jokes come from the news because our world is so fucked up friends. But, it's the only world we have, so we might as well laugh about it.
97. Cereal cannibalism leading to empty boxes at breakfast time.
98. Deranged school teacher gives up cake.
99. In a misguided attempt to cook every meal, one recently single college student pan seared an entire gallon of ice cream.
100. I'd go back to church if we ended every service by shouting "Cowabunga!"
101. In a world where everyone is a fucking expert on everything I'll marry the first woman that admits that she doesn't know what she's talking about. Because I don't know anything either.
102. In an attempt to combat depression, one dark joke writer changed his diet and gained...uncontrollable bouts of diarrhea. "At least I have something urgent to attend to now."
103. Pot, the only drug guaranteed to make you happy can also make you insane. The other most popular drug is religion, which will definitely make you insane.
104. Fucking the preacher's son in his mid-30's means you now have herpes.
105. Chronic pain not as bad in a coma.
106. Estranged police spouse found aggressively finger fucking donuts. (It's different because he's not eating them, he's cheating on his wife with them right?)
107. Drunk driving on the rise after report released stating "Most families of five in mini vans were miserable anyway."
108. Friends and coworkers less likely to bother you at all if you shout their secrets in public.
109. Looking to turn some heads this summer? Smear ketchup on your naked body and run through the streets.
110. Stingy genie only granting one wish now. Cites current state of the economy.
111. Mind control invented by genius rapist to force consent.
112. Screaming preacher believes Holy Spirit to be deaf.
113. McDonald's doesn't protect their workers from violent customers because their workers have been ...to prison. Whatever it is, they can handle it.
114. McDonald's is one of the few companies that will hire ex-cons. If you've ever worked in McDonald's, you know that prison is better.
115. Petty criminals go to jail and then get upgraded to dangerous criminals. When they get out, they go to work at McDonald's where they become hopeless, and then hardened criminals. They also pick up hardened arteries.
116. McDonald's may have disgusting food, terrible service and a depressing work environment but at least flies love it!
117. McDonald's may have staff members ready to get violent at a moment's notice, meth heads cooking the food and meth heads eating the food, but at least they don't sell a human burger.
118. McDonald's has paired with the US government to eliminate non-contributing members of society. Introducing the new Human Burger! "We figured this would be the most efficient solution to all the overcrowding in major cities. I mean, we haven't served meat in decades. We knew how fat fucking fan base would eat a human if it's been processed and slapped on a bun with plastic cheese, pickles ketchup and mustard. We were already serving the least healthy food imaginable to clean out the undesirables. Now we're still doing that, but by using the undesirables to feed the undesirables. It's fucking brilliant! Plus it really cuts down on our fake beef costs." -McDonald's CEO Don Thompson
119. I bet Don Thompson is the sweetest guy in all of business and would never say anything like what I just wrote. One thing about that joke, it did make me hungry.
120. You should never tell your chef that you'll try anything once if he is ...a cannibal.
That was 120 of my finest short jokes and dark jokes. I hope you have enjoyed my dark humor and look to share it with you friends. Now I'm going to go ponder my next poor dietary decision. Take care!
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