1. Recently, a Russian warship was thought to be aggressively stalking a US Navy ship while out on the high seas. Turns out, the US warship planned on meeting the Russian warship for lunch but then cancelled last minute only to be seen having lunch with a Chinese warship on the same day. The Russian warship only wanted to catch up with the US Navy ship in order to "Sort things out." The US warship told us "I need my space...he can't keep freaking out like this all the time, I mean..oh my gawd." The US navy ship then rolled her eyes and told us "ttyl".
2. A man was arrested for possession of crack cocaine and was protesting his innocence by citing the fact that some people possess medical marijuana cards. Advocates from the Free the Crack movement support the man and say that it is the right of every American to ruin their life and disappoint their parents.
3. Milk consumption has been trending down in America which has led to failing of several major milk companies. More and more milk consumers are transitioning to the more authentic practice of suckling at the actual teet of cows. Supporters of the movement hope that the practice becomes mainstream as then they would be able to claim that they did it first.
4. Mindfulness continues to make headlines as a treatment for depression. However, mindfulness is the doing of nothing, while thinking about nothing. Sufferers of depression unanimously agree "We're already doing that."
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