I am sure there are people out there that do, very much so want to work for the power company. I am positive that there are people who would find dealing with tools, wires, cables, drills, hammers and geometric manipulation software shit to be...electrifying.There are plenty of people who are capable of and willing to work for the power company. This is a highly sought after job. The baby boomer who keeps coming around and telling me that I, comedy writer and bartender extraordinaire should work for the power company can stick all of the power companies in America up his ass.
I don't know how many times I have to communicate that I already love what I do. What I do is wake up, jack off, eat a snack, jack off again, message a broad on Tinder, schedule a new blog post, answer an email, take a nap, write half of the next blog post and then go to work where I sexually harass my middle aged dish washer named Bill. I don't need to change and I don't want a wife and kids and benefits and all that shit. I have health insurance and a good job that pays well and keeps me happy. Why on Earth would I change from that?
Because this guy who should be proud of me and care that I don't care to hear his advice, is not proud of me. When it comes to the reasonable request of "I love what I do, please leave me alone." He becomes completely deaf. Family, the people that you should always have your back, in reality, do not. Sometimes they will take the shirt and skin off your back but they will only rarely protect said back. This is why family, a unit that you should seemingly never ignore, is precisely the people that you should ignore when it comes to your life. The same extends to friends, buddies, acquaintances, customers and whatever category you place church family in. I put them in the irrelevant category. As it pertains to how you live your life, you are the only important person. God is a deity, so that doesn't count in this instance because it's implied that deity always wins.
I am the only important person, not the game show host on TV that I am pretty sure is trying to send me coded messages. The email scammer that just wants me for my money and doesn't have any intention of sending me 55 million dollars no matter how many times I pay his advance fee of 300 bucks. I'm not being selfish here, I'm being practical. I can't help the whole world or even my family and friends to be honest. But I can help myself. Asking any more of someone than that is selfish.
Showing posts with label Short Funny Stories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Short Funny Stories. Show all posts
Short Funny Story: Breakthrough In Evolution Science
Major breakthroughs in evolution science from the year 2019 confirm "There were more hairy dumb dumbs than we originally thought." This quote comes from the most brilliant mind in looking for irrelevant information. Some of the ancient humans were able to have sex with homo sapiens. A process that repeats itself today every time an intelligent woman allows herself to be picked up by a meathead douche bag at the bar.
While the science of finding these kinds of breakthroughs is improving, the artist renditions of the newly discovered people continue to convey as much information as a well constructed sock puppet. Maybe in 2020 we'll have something looks like it might have been human and not yarn and paper mache.
Studies that have not nor ever will read have determined that Neanderthals were intelligent enough to bury the dead, take care of the wounded and make art. Art with the same skill and creativity that you've witnessed if you've been to one undergrad art demonstration.
Here's the link to the story that inspired this story: https://www.thevintagenews.com/2019/12/30/human-evolution/
If you enjoyed this piece then do me a favor and tweet this fresh hot take.
While the science of finding these kinds of breakthroughs is improving, the artist renditions of the newly discovered people continue to convey as much information as a well constructed sock puppet. Maybe in 2020 we'll have something looks like it might have been human and not yarn and paper mache.
Studies that have not nor ever will read have determined that Neanderthals were intelligent enough to bury the dead, take care of the wounded and make art. Art with the same skill and creativity that you've witnessed if you've been to one undergrad art demonstration.
Here's the link to the story that inspired this story: https://www.thevintagenews.com/2019/12/30/human-evolution/
If you enjoyed this piece then do me a favor and tweet this fresh hot take.
Short Funny Stories: Randomized Musings
I listened to a horror story where the main character got sick and then his whole body rotted off of him. He raked his flesh off and had all kinds of craziness going on. Made me sick more than anything. I had never had a piece of media make me literally gag, but that story in particular got me there.
If I've ever flown a WW2 bomber in a piece of entertainment in order to destroy the Nazi's, then I've surely also ate pizza bites to the point of satisfied gluttony. All that to say, I like to waste time. Video games, laziness, books for entertainment. I like to waste time. But it's only time wasting if you don't learn something from it. I have learned that if I budget some time out for enjoying these hobbies, then I'll be able to produce way more professionally. But if I do too much in the way of hobbies, then I'll be miserable. So it's best to keep learning in life. It's pretty much the biggest key.
I've been reading the book version of The Shining. Honestly, I don't buy the idea that King had a masterpiece and then Kubrick changed everything around to make a decent movie. King had a decent horror novel that lacked in plausibility. Kubrick made a masterpiece out of that. Jack in the book seems to be a character that we are supposed to be sympathetic to, but I just don't buy it. He hurt his kid and then thrashed the student. The story lacks the subtlety and dread that the movie conveys. Jack isn't sympathetic in the movie, he's just a total madman that we watch lose his shit. That Jack Torrance is the one I can believe in.
If I've ever flown a WW2 bomber in a piece of entertainment in order to destroy the Nazi's, then I've surely also ate pizza bites to the point of satisfied gluttony. All that to say, I like to waste time. Video games, laziness, books for entertainment. I like to waste time. But it's only time wasting if you don't learn something from it. I have learned that if I budget some time out for enjoying these hobbies, then I'll be able to produce way more professionally. But if I do too much in the way of hobbies, then I'll be miserable. So it's best to keep learning in life. It's pretty much the biggest key.
I've been reading the book version of The Shining. Honestly, I don't buy the idea that King had a masterpiece and then Kubrick changed everything around to make a decent movie. King had a decent horror novel that lacked in plausibility. Kubrick made a masterpiece out of that. Jack in the book seems to be a character that we are supposed to be sympathetic to, but I just don't buy it. He hurt his kid and then thrashed the student. The story lacks the subtlety and dread that the movie conveys. Jack isn't sympathetic in the movie, he's just a total madman that we watch lose his shit. That Jack Torrance is the one I can believe in.
Short Funny Story: Creepypastas are Great
I love creepypasta stories the way that crack head loves coke. I can go through hours of them with no breaks. I'm always amazed at the talent these writers demonstrate. I really believe that the next Stephen King is out there writing a short story where a family in the woods is being attacked by a giant zit monster from space. Or a serial killer. Whatever.
I find that a lot of creepypastas are about isolation and paranormal stuff. Things that you expect from the horror genre in general. In general you expect the horror genre to be hilariously unscary or too terrifyingly real. House of the Dead is a movie that is hilariously unscary but is terrifyingly boring. Resident Evil 6 the movie is one of the greatest comedies that has ever been made. Both of these fine examples of what a film should not be are based on video games. The games are way better.
I loved one that I listened to where the guys went to the moon but they weren't supposed to. The big reveal was that aliens had told us to stay put on Earth, or Else. But we didn't listen of course. Anyway, they are great. A lot of them have to do with serial killers too which is always great. I've only met one person that I truly believed was a psychopath and I never want to meet another one. But I'll be damned if I don't consume 88 hours a week of psychopath related fiction and non-fiction in books and movies. Maybe it's been 2 psychopaths for me, and no I've never dated one but that would have been a great easy joke to make.
I find that a lot of creepypastas are about isolation and paranormal stuff. Things that you expect from the horror genre in general. In general you expect the horror genre to be hilariously unscary or too terrifyingly real. House of the Dead is a movie that is hilariously unscary but is terrifyingly boring. Resident Evil 6 the movie is one of the greatest comedies that has ever been made. Both of these fine examples of what a film should not be are based on video games. The games are way better.
I loved one that I listened to where the guys went to the moon but they weren't supposed to. The big reveal was that aliens had told us to stay put on Earth, or Else. But we didn't listen of course. Anyway, they are great. A lot of them have to do with serial killers too which is always great. I've only met one person that I truly believed was a psychopath and I never want to meet another one. But I'll be damned if I don't consume 88 hours a week of psychopath related fiction and non-fiction in books and movies. Maybe it's been 2 psychopaths for me, and no I've never dated one but that would have been a great easy joke to make.
Short Funny Story: Words From the Sentient Empty Shell
I trimmed my beard for the first time in about 3 weeks. Feels good when your face doesn't feel weighed down. I also love how there are always some beardless plebs that tell me "Ah bro you should have kept it bro. That beard was almost alpha bro."
If I wanted to prove my alphaness I would work much harder to earn a huge living. Then I would tell everyone, but more specifically every hot waitress that I came across how much money I make. Seems like hot waitresses really turn on a guy with a lot of money and power. I prefer the waitress that strictly adheres to mise en place.
Then I'd brag too much on my way out of the restaurant and get taken out by the biggest fan of the recent Joker movie. But at least I would be dead then and not later. That's supposed to be a punchline about how it sucks to go on living. But I don't think it works unless you're a sentient empty shell like myself.
If I wanted to prove my alphaness I would work much harder to earn a huge living. Then I would tell everyone, but more specifically every hot waitress that I came across how much money I make. Seems like hot waitresses really turn on a guy with a lot of money and power. I prefer the waitress that strictly adheres to mise en place.
Then I'd brag too much on my way out of the restaurant and get taken out by the biggest fan of the recent Joker movie. But at least I would be dead then and not later. That's supposed to be a punchline about how it sucks to go on living. But I don't think it works unless you're a sentient empty shell like myself.
Short Funny Story: Fatties and Their Brains
Recently Scientists have found that obesity can destroy important parts of the brain. The part that is already broke is the "I'm fucking full already" mechanism.
They think that the fatter you get the harder it is to control appetite. As you get fatter, your brain rewards the behavior that is making you fatter. That's the sort of positive reinforcement that most big eaters never got from mom and dad.
The scientists started looking into this phenomenon because teens and children are way fatter than they are supposed to be. Some of the fat fucking holy rollers that I grew up with should have been missionaries in Africa. Could have solved the lack of Lord lovin' out there and slimmed down a couple hundred pounds. You can't eat fried foods 6 days a week when there are no foods to fry.
For actual information check this out: https://www.rankred.com/obesity-could-damage-important-parts-of-the-brain/
They think that the fatter you get the harder it is to control appetite. As you get fatter, your brain rewards the behavior that is making you fatter. That's the sort of positive reinforcement that most big eaters never got from mom and dad.
The scientists started looking into this phenomenon because teens and children are way fatter than they are supposed to be. Some of the fat fucking holy rollers that I grew up with should have been missionaries in Africa. Could have solved the lack of Lord lovin' out there and slimmed down a couple hundred pounds. You can't eat fried foods 6 days a week when there are no foods to fry.
For actual information check this out: https://www.rankred.com/obesity-could-damage-important-parts-of-the-brain/
Short Funny Story: Troubling Myanmar
Myanmar has had to form a legal team in order to defend itself against accusations of mass rape, mass murder and systematic torturing. Myanmar seems to be going a long way to avoid being called...liberal.
I want to point out that the population of Myanmar is overwhelmingly Buddhist. So to all the Buddhists in Asheville, NC which seems to be overwhelmingly Buddhist, stop acting like you are actual Buddhists. I think we both now know that the main tenets of Buddhism are meditation, enlightenment and wholesale slaughter. So if you're going to claim Buddhism, you better get to rapin' and killin'.
I want to point out that the population of Myanmar is overwhelmingly Buddhist. So to all the Buddhists in Asheville, NC which seems to be overwhelmingly Buddhist, stop acting like you are actual Buddhists. I think we both now know that the main tenets of Buddhism are meditation, enlightenment and wholesale slaughter. So if you're going to claim Buddhism, you better get to rapin' and killin'.
Short Funny Story: BPD, Not A Laughing Matter
Of all the mental illnesses that you might have, people with BPD are the most likely to have endured childhood trauma. It's kind of impossible nowadays to know what a trauma really is, because some people can be traumatized by the election of a president. I would think the unsolicited grabbing of your pussy by a strange orange man might be traumatizing, but his election to run the country... not so much.
Anyway, BPD sufferers out there can be more at ease with talking to a professional about their issues as recent scientific findings indicate that your psycho parents do not work at your shrink's office. But they might follow you there and wait for you in the parking lot. Even if they are dead.
But seriously, get help because we all want to live well, have good relationships and beat homeless people senseless.
Short Funny Story: Independent Kids, Uninterested Parents
A couple in Laredo Texas weren't paying attention when their toddler drowned in the bathtub. I think if you are the kind of people that think that a toddler can safely bath himself, then you must also believe we have secret lizard people aliens running the government. I say all that to say, you are fucking crazy.
Toddlers cannot be trusted to eat soft foods unsupervised. Kids that young cannot safely play with toys on their own. Even though it's fun to play with, you might have a kid that wants to know what it would be like to eat his favorite action figure. Bada bing bada boom you have a trip to the emergency room on your hands.
When the couple found that the kid was dead they decided to dissolve his remains in a rubber tub full of acid for later disposal. I tell ya, back when I was that age I thought time out and spankings were pretty bad. Never knew that dissolving in a vat of acid was a possibility. Anyway the dad ratted out the mom and the OTHER 4 KIDS have been taken to child services. How the fuck did these incompetent fucks manage to keep 4 other kids alive? The article said that the other 4 kids are ages 1 to 11 but that doesn't mean that they don't all have careers already. If your parents are as uninvolved as these parents were then you are probably a really independent kid. The oldest is probably a tax preparer and a damn good one too.
Short Funny Story: Pretty Much the Greatest Job Ever
There is a company out there in the world today that wants to pay people 3000 dollars a month to smoke and review marijuana. This is the type of good news that should eradicate the perspective of the atheist. For if such a job can exist, then there must really be a God.
All you have to do is smoke, eat edibles and then critique and blog about what the experience was like. This is the sort of thing that plenty of stoners have been doing all their life anyway. So the level of expertise in this field is going to be top tier in no time.
The only downside is that you have to live somewhere where weed is legal in order to work for these folks. But if you don't live somewhere where it is legal, then you are certainly living somewhere where you can get weed...sketchily. So go out on the town and risk your life by conversing with all manner of creepy, dark weirdos and find yourself an armed street merchant who will hook you up. He'll also fucking kill you if you double cross him...but those are just his words, not mine. Then take your weed home and try it out, do all the stuff that the job wants you to do, then when you move to a place where it's legal, you'll already have a portfolio. Easy Peasy
Click here to check the website out: https://americanmarijuana.org/cannabis-dream-job/
All you have to do is smoke, eat edibles and then critique and blog about what the experience was like. This is the sort of thing that plenty of stoners have been doing all their life anyway. So the level of expertise in this field is going to be top tier in no time.
The only downside is that you have to live somewhere where weed is legal in order to work for these folks. But if you don't live somewhere where it is legal, then you are certainly living somewhere where you can get weed...sketchily. So go out on the town and risk your life by conversing with all manner of creepy, dark weirdos and find yourself an armed street merchant who will hook you up. He'll also fucking kill you if you double cross him...but those are just his words, not mine. Then take your weed home and try it out, do all the stuff that the job wants you to do, then when you move to a place where it's legal, you'll already have a portfolio. Easy Peasy
Click here to check the website out: https://americanmarijuana.org/cannabis-dream-job/
Short Funny Story: Elderly LSD Superpowers
Seniors prescribed a certain muscle relaxer might have kidney issues and severe confusion as a result. That's how you know your body is going to shit. You go to the hospital to get drugs that keep you comfortable.The drugs that doctors prescribe to keep you comfortable are then sending you back to the hospital. Dementia like symptoms is how they describe the folks who took the muscle relaxer. What happens when the folks with dementia are given the muscle relaxer? When you go from already super confused to even more confusion, maybe you start to glow or levitate or something. I would like to know what would happen to dementia patients that were given LSD. If it was super bad, then obviously never again. But if it was able to help them calm down, experience euphoria or even...gave them super powers, that would all be very cool.
This is the original article that made me think of this: https://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/health/sc-hlth-muscle-relaxant-dangers-1120-20191118-74gz6ei6ingibgr3ymzcr2u7aa-story.html
This is the original article that made me think of this: https://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/health/sc-hlth-muscle-relaxant-dangers-1120-20191118-74gz6ei6ingibgr3ymzcr2u7aa-story.html
Short Funny Story: The World Around us is Pretty Dangerous
Plenty of bad news in the world. There is always some waiter with dreams of spending the rest of their life on a music career being fished out of the lake. Plenty of sex trafficking and murder news. Never any of it good. A real surprise would be to turn on the news and see a story about a maniac that was going to kill a bunch of people but the police caught him and stopped him from doing anything. You'd shit your pants if a few months later he/she was actually sent to jail for their intentions.
Sometimes people just die.. for no discernible reason. No alcohol, no drugs, no hints at a suicide. Sometimes you leave your 9 to 5 and just veer off the road to a cataclysmic smash. After that you're done. All your ambitions and dreams are gone and you're never doing anything else. That chick from Tinder that you snuck into the bathroom at work to send an unsolicited dick pic to, that's your last communication. That's tough man.
There are plenty of random things that can explode or burn or destroy us. Restaurants have plenty of ways to burn down or explode. It's fucking crazy that people aren't more afraid of them. Probably for the same reason that some pilots get drunk while they are flying. You just get so used to being around all this metal clanging, burning and booming that you forget that it could all kill you. I could spend 60 years studying wine and then still find a way to drown in a vat of wine. I would try really hard to get out, but once the irony dawned on me, I'd just let it go. I would hope that it would be Cabernet Sauvignon. I love Carbernet, if it wants me then it can take me.
You can breathe in lethal gasses from your car. Some people kill themselves by closing their garage door and keeping their car running. It's probably one of the best ways to go. Especially when you compare it to falling asleep at the wheel at the end of your 80 hour work week and then launching yourself through your front window after you orchestrate the brief introduction of tree to cold hard car parts.
Sometimes people just die.. for no discernible reason. No alcohol, no drugs, no hints at a suicide. Sometimes you leave your 9 to 5 and just veer off the road to a cataclysmic smash. After that you're done. All your ambitions and dreams are gone and you're never doing anything else. That chick from Tinder that you snuck into the bathroom at work to send an unsolicited dick pic to, that's your last communication. That's tough man.
There are plenty of random things that can explode or burn or destroy us. Restaurants have plenty of ways to burn down or explode. It's fucking crazy that people aren't more afraid of them. Probably for the same reason that some pilots get drunk while they are flying. You just get so used to being around all this metal clanging, burning and booming that you forget that it could all kill you. I could spend 60 years studying wine and then still find a way to drown in a vat of wine. I would try really hard to get out, but once the irony dawned on me, I'd just let it go. I would hope that it would be Cabernet Sauvignon. I love Carbernet, if it wants me then it can take me.
You can breathe in lethal gasses from your car. Some people kill themselves by closing their garage door and keeping their car running. It's probably one of the best ways to go. Especially when you compare it to falling asleep at the wheel at the end of your 80 hour work week and then launching yourself through your front window after you orchestrate the brief introduction of tree to cold hard car parts.
Short Funny Story: TMI
There is too much information available today for you to trust information. I already don't trust people so this adjustment was easy for me to make. There is such much shit to read online that if you spent the rest of your life reading without a break, you'd never scratch the surface of all there is to read. Some day we will have computer enhancements for our brains and we'll be able to just download every bit of relevant information on our chosen topic and we'll go on from there. For most people, that topic will be mostly about vaginas. How to get oneself into them, where they can be found yada yada. My point is that even then, we still won't know all there has been written because there is just too much of it for anyone to carry around.
I don't click on any link that implies that the content is going to be a numbered list unless it's a comedy site. If the numbered list thing helps you to sell your great comedy then have at it. I suppose I could give it a try on this site too, but I find the format nauseating and annoying. Not reading something because it is a numbered list featuring a couple of the old "one weird tricks" and "you won't believe number 5" a good call. You have to spend your time wisely on this Earth. Don't waste the time that you could have spent on learning the Socratic method on flipping through endless tabs about how to apply makeup or how to interpret the meaning of a text from your crush.
Have you ever taken a moment to just sit back and wonder about the nature of a world where we can ask a computer a question and it will give us back millions of responses? When I do just that, all I think is "man, I should really just go fuck myself." Nah not really, that's not what I think. I actually wonder how much of that information is actually useful. I'd wager that almost none of it is actually worth something. Worth in the sense that absorbing it would make your life better somehow.
I only trust information that I have paid for. I only trust people that will work for money. I have never learned anything all that useful about bar stuff just from googling it. I have gained every meaningful bit of expertise that I have from reading books and experiencing the trade first hand. I have never had anyone do me a favor that didn't cost me more in the end then it was ever worth to begin with. I'm saying don't let anyone do anything for free. If they won't accept your money, then they don't intend to do a good job. That or they don't think that they can do a good job.
Maybe none of what I've written here resonates with you. Maybe you think my approach is lame and archaic. That's good, all well and good. Keep doing what you do and I'll keep doing what I do. I'm in no position to advise anyone. Taking advice from someone as unsuccessful as me is like building your modern day battleship to the specifications of the viking engineers from a thousand years ago. It might work, but let's not try risk it all for a theory.
I don't click on any link that implies that the content is going to be a numbered list unless it's a comedy site. If the numbered list thing helps you to sell your great comedy then have at it. I suppose I could give it a try on this site too, but I find the format nauseating and annoying. Not reading something because it is a numbered list featuring a couple of the old "one weird tricks" and "you won't believe number 5" a good call. You have to spend your time wisely on this Earth. Don't waste the time that you could have spent on learning the Socratic method on flipping through endless tabs about how to apply makeup or how to interpret the meaning of a text from your crush.
Have you ever taken a moment to just sit back and wonder about the nature of a world where we can ask a computer a question and it will give us back millions of responses? When I do just that, all I think is "man, I should really just go fuck myself." Nah not really, that's not what I think. I actually wonder how much of that information is actually useful. I'd wager that almost none of it is actually worth something. Worth in the sense that absorbing it would make your life better somehow.
I only trust information that I have paid for. I only trust people that will work for money. I have never learned anything all that useful about bar stuff just from googling it. I have gained every meaningful bit of expertise that I have from reading books and experiencing the trade first hand. I have never had anyone do me a favor that didn't cost me more in the end then it was ever worth to begin with. I'm saying don't let anyone do anything for free. If they won't accept your money, then they don't intend to do a good job. That or they don't think that they can do a good job.
Maybe none of what I've written here resonates with you. Maybe you think my approach is lame and archaic. That's good, all well and good. Keep doing what you do and I'll keep doing what I do. I'm in no position to advise anyone. Taking advice from someone as unsuccessful as me is like building your modern day battleship to the specifications of the viking engineers from a thousand years ago. It might work, but let's not try risk it all for a theory.
Short Funny Stories: I Don't Care What Your Wife Thinks
This rule of mine also applies to your girlfriend, whoever you are. I do not trust anyone. I don't care about the opinions of women or men. But I do want the input and feedback of my friends. But I do not give a mother fuck about what people close to them think. I only care about what the person that asked thinks. I might give myself third degree burns from lighting the manuscript of my book on fire. But at least I won't write another super shitty manuscript. This is the line of thinking that occurred to me when thinking about the horseshit opinions of somebody that I don't know, weighing in on my life, which they also know nothing about.
Your significant other could have wiped the ass of Stephen Hawking every day of his miserable life but that doesn't mean that she knows a fucking thing about science. That dumb cunt might not even know anything about wiping ass. Maybe she made the old bastard terribly uncomfortable every time that she had to clean him up. If you are a man and my friend and you also happen to be a doctor. I don't want health advice from your wife that cuts hair for a living. She can put the campfire that I made out of used jizz tissue out with her own fucking body for all I care. I would still hug you at her funeral. I'd hug her in the hospital but only because she's already burnt to shit.
I only want the input of my friends when I ask for it. I don't need your help or advice for any fucking thing unless I ask for it. Sometimes I just ask for it when I don't really need it, I'd just like to hear what you think. So don't just think that this one moment of me opening up to you is the beginning of some great, long winded dialogue. Neither of us are living all that interesting of lives. You hate your life and find your personal meaning up the cunt of some worthless broad that doubles as a roommate and a checking account vacuum. I work a regular job and take pills so that I act like a regular person. Even though they don't really work all the time and nobody is tricked into thinking otherwise.
I'd rather find myself actually attacked by a sentient totem pole than to listen to your idiot fucking significant other who has you by the balls/cunt ramble on about what they think that I should do or where I should go with my life. Nobody knows the struggles of the person next to them. I have worked hard to get to the regular life that I'm leading now. Relative to my more successful peers, I am a loser and a failure. I have given up on the regular life. I am not working hard to get back on track for it. Because I would rather pen a suicide note and then just abandon my current life to be a street performer in New York until the day that I froze to death. That would probably not take that long.
You might be thinking that I'm bitter about something after you read this, but that would be inaccurate. I am bitter about everything. I am like if you made a cocktail where the base liquor is angostura bitters and then put no other ingredients in it. Just a glass of bitters served up. But dropped acid before you made this drink and now you're on the beach and the whole ocean is angostura bitters. I am that ocean.
Short Funny Story: First Instinct in Emergency? Prostitution
So I was talking to this really sweet, pretty funny girl the other day. Sometimes that happens to me. I don't always just scowl at everyone I pass during my day. Sometimes good things happen and I smile and have a good time. But usually I scowl at everyone that I pass and angrily rant to myself until I can either get to work or get back home. The reason why I'm always so angry? Because I want to get to work already or get back home.
I asked the girl and her friend what they would do if they got in a bad situation and ended up homeless. Without even the slightest pause, the funny one said "Prostitution, yep... yeah definitely prostitution." She went on to elaborate that the world is a fucked up place, but she could be sheltered and taken care of if she got lucky and found a casual pimp. Now Socrates would want to know the exact definition of "casual pimp" and he would not have stopped until we had all arrived at what would probably be a very uncomfortable truth about pimps and hoes. But I let it go, as I imagine she meant a pimp that won't beat or kill you and does pay you enough to survive on.
The other girl said she would try other things before prostitution but honestly, being a hoe probably is one of the best calls for girls stuck on the streets. I mean, if you can't get help from anywhere else and you could starve to death or get killed, then what would you do? Well you would eventually contract STD's. Probably sooner rather than later. I can't imagine there is a super thorough pimp out there that won't let anyone fuck unless they provide papers proving that they have had all their tests done.
I was thinking that I would try to get one of those menial labor jobs and then hopefully buy some warm, sturdy clothes so that I could keep working and have a little more survivability. None of that would matter if I got mauled by a black bear sized rat crawling out of the sewers. So I guess I would need a weapon too. I'm thinking if you're stuck on the streets, you probably do want a gun. I mean, c'mon, we're talking about the most desperate human beings in our world. Don't you think a gun would be pretty handy, or shooty rather when it comes to self preservation?
Anyway, the point is that in this world, there are at least a few young women out there that value their bodies so little that they would willingly forfeit them as their first option in desperation. That was a bit sad to me when I heard it. But life is life is life. My jokes won't fix the way things are. But you did get the chance to imagine a homeless version of me screaming like a bitch and wildly firing a handgun at a black bear sized rat that might explode out of a manhole at any moment. You know that they are down there and so do I. We just have to not talk about it or it will run our lives.
I asked the girl and her friend what they would do if they got in a bad situation and ended up homeless. Without even the slightest pause, the funny one said "Prostitution, yep... yeah definitely prostitution." She went on to elaborate that the world is a fucked up place, but she could be sheltered and taken care of if she got lucky and found a casual pimp. Now Socrates would want to know the exact definition of "casual pimp" and he would not have stopped until we had all arrived at what would probably be a very uncomfortable truth about pimps and hoes. But I let it go, as I imagine she meant a pimp that won't beat or kill you and does pay you enough to survive on.
The other girl said she would try other things before prostitution but honestly, being a hoe probably is one of the best calls for girls stuck on the streets. I mean, if you can't get help from anywhere else and you could starve to death or get killed, then what would you do? Well you would eventually contract STD's. Probably sooner rather than later. I can't imagine there is a super thorough pimp out there that won't let anyone fuck unless they provide papers proving that they have had all their tests done.
I was thinking that I would try to get one of those menial labor jobs and then hopefully buy some warm, sturdy clothes so that I could keep working and have a little more survivability. None of that would matter if I got mauled by a black bear sized rat crawling out of the sewers. So I guess I would need a weapon too. I'm thinking if you're stuck on the streets, you probably do want a gun. I mean, c'mon, we're talking about the most desperate human beings in our world. Don't you think a gun would be pretty handy, or shooty rather when it comes to self preservation?
Anyway, the point is that in this world, there are at least a few young women out there that value their bodies so little that they would willingly forfeit them as their first option in desperation. That was a bit sad to me when I heard it. But life is life is life. My jokes won't fix the way things are. But you did get the chance to imagine a homeless version of me screaming like a bitch and wildly firing a handgun at a black bear sized rat that might explode out of a manhole at any moment. You know that they are down there and so do I. We just have to not talk about it or it will run our lives.
Short Funny Story: The Sexiest People at Work
Everyone looks around their work place and thinks about who is the most attractive. We do the same thing in the bar when we are scoping the place out. Scoping out the bar is for who you think you might want to take home to some likely forgettable sex. Work sexiness is for admiration and possible marriage down the road when you two work at different places.
I move that the sexiest people in the workplace are the ones that work the hardest, but complain the least. They are also the ones that get the most done while doing the least amount of damage. Complaining is super un-sexy no matter where you are. The only time where people want to hear complaining is when it is actually comedy in disguise. Can you imagine trying to have sex with a lady that keeps telling you that her pussy is a little more smelly than usual and she thinks it's because she's forgot to do something with the thing and life is just so unfair and blah blah blah. Nah that wouldn't work. Well, I could do it but that's only because I never listen to women.
The rules are different for sexiness in the work place. At the bar, or club or whatever, the only rule is who looks like my type while also looking really slutty. Once you find and talk to the person that meets that criteria, you are set. Set to attempt to woo the person. You will hear no a lot. It's just a part of it. When you are interested, you will show at least accidentally that you are a bit interested and that alone could be enough to derail the whole thing.
Work is about getting things done as well as possible while also doing as little damage/cost in the meantime. The people who are able to do that are doing the best work and they usually happen to also be the hardest workers. I knew this lady that worked her ass off constantly at work. She never did a great job. She always made the least amount of money for the company and she constantly complained. When she couldn't get the most visually appealing man on our staff to bang her she was really shocked and a bit insulted. Instead she had me at the ready because I'm a sadist and I felt like torturing her mentally through a romantic relationship would be the key to her getting what she deserved from life. She wasn't interested though. Oh well, there is always a next time.
My YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/user/eyegotskill
Short Funny Story: Advice Sources
Listening to the advice of a friend is totally optional. Friends come in varying degrees of importance and usefulness. If you have a friend that is a lot of fun to hang out with and do....cocaine with. Then this guy or gal might not have the best advice to contribute to your life.
Listening to the advice of your family is totally optional. Some of us have fucked up families. You should still listen to what they are saying out of respect for who they are. But applying it to your life a whole other story. If your family is fucked up, or you are having to listen to advice from a fucked up family member, then you keep looking like you're listening but don't apply the shit. You don't want to end up like them. When people have done fucked up shit in the past, they are pretty likely to do fucked up shit later on.
Listening to the advice of your video game mentor is absolutely essential. Without this wizardly old man or whatever he is in the game that you're playing, you aren't shit. Archsage Athos in Fire Emblem 7 was like that. There was no aspect of the plot that he didn't already know. He acted like he didn't know how the whole game was going to play out, but his every prediction was spot on. So how could he not? Dude was just humble. He verbally guides you through the whole game with cracking good advice. When you get to the final mission, he insists on joining your party so that you have a chance of beating the game. He has seen your squad and knows your stats. He knows that you're ass. He knows that your squad is ass. But the game still has to get beat. So if you saved yourself a Luna tome and you have a couple competent healers, Athos will guide your hips right to the ending credits.
Short Funny Story: Female Opinions Do Not Matter
Okay so neither do male opinions. I picked this title because I thought it had a better chance of pissing someone off. If one thing pisses one person off, then it usually makes another one laugh. Everything that I say and write is to make people laugh, it's a simple life.
What men think of women is useless. What women think of men is useless. We are going to fuck each other regardless of our idiotic opinions. If you read magazines, Internet articles or watch videos about better understanding the opposite gender, then you are wasting your life.
Women come and go. Hopefully they've also been cumming and going, but that's just a cheap joke. Your wife or husband is not the perfect one that you love forever, they are the one that you'll just try to be with forever. You'll love that person for a very small percentage of the time you two are together. Don't believe me? Ask one of the millions of recently divorced people.
So if all you want from life is to have a good job, wife and kids then go for it. But just know that you have sacrificed your inner dreamer. You never took the chance to be that one thing that you really wanted to be and that's cowardly.
Additionally, if you are a woman and all you want is to have children but you still put yourself through a huge career, that's cowardly too. If you can honestly say that your ultimate dream is to be a family man or woman, then be that. But don't try to also be career focused.
The default answer for a man or a woman is always the wrong answer. More people need to take the time to try and be what they really want to be. I know this issue is deeper than how I've treated it. But I've written this in the server station at my work on a slow day. We all have our limitations, mine is gainful employment.
Short Funny Story: The Tech Guy For the Family
My family believed that just because I could hook up an N64 console as a kid that I would be an IT professional by the time I was... pretty much the age that I am now. I am a bartender instead, and I definitely made the right call between the two options. Sure the IT guy might make more money than me, but his life sucks. My life is great. I get to wake up pretty much whenever I want, there are no women that want a guy that won't commit to anything so I always have time to spend on things that actually matter. I'm saying that spending all your time on trying to get a mate that you'll hate in 7 months is a waste of time. Just to clarify.
It is not that hard, and definitely not impressive to have a child that can hook up an N64. It's like 3 cables, 2 button presses and the flip of a switch. Not prodigy level stuff there. They told me that it was prodigy level stuff, and that made me into an arrogant kid. Being arrogant made life harder, so I should not have been told that I was super smart. Because I'm not. Thank God I finally know that and can just keep to my cocktail recipes and video games and dick jokes.
It was nice to have someone who could hook things up and be able to talk with customer service when things broke. Nice for my family, not nice for me as I was that person. Customer service reps do not want to talk to a child. Especially not a little shit who has been told that he is a technological genius because he learned how to reset the Wi-fi.
My father is an experienced, life long residential electrician. My mother has a Master's degree. How was it that I had to fix every electronic and piece of technology across my entire adolescence? Those are the resumes of two pretty smart people. My dad is good with his hands and my mom could obviously read. So why did all the repairs always fall on me? Because it was something that they were unfamiliar with. My dad can barely type 10 wpm and my mother went through all of college without ever using a computer. So technology scared them. Like the first cave man that was killed via stoning for his mastery of fire. I was the one who mastered the VCR.
Well it was good that they gave me that to do. I did enjoy fixing our family tech and it gave me a sense of approval and capability. Even though sometimes there was unfair blaming and insistence that I call customer service again even though I had no clue what to do next, and the agents refused to speak with a child. But that prepared me for the unfairness of life. Where all you have are two groups of ignorant, unrelated people yelling at you to do something when you've already done all that you can do. There is always some bullshitter that just believes "intuitively" I suppose that there is more that can be done. No matter how hard you try, there will always be more shit to do for some asshole.
I learned a lot by always being Mr. Fix it for my family. But I never learned how much is the right amount of bleach to use when cleaning the fucking bathroom. I must've used 200% of what's needed because my entire apartment stinks of it and I might pass out soon. It's fucking horrendous.
Click here if you want to check out my Youtube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCPywZOYDSrzlPgQnsuMxDXg?view_as=subscriber
It is not that hard, and definitely not impressive to have a child that can hook up an N64. It's like 3 cables, 2 button presses and the flip of a switch. Not prodigy level stuff there. They told me that it was prodigy level stuff, and that made me into an arrogant kid. Being arrogant made life harder, so I should not have been told that I was super smart. Because I'm not. Thank God I finally know that and can just keep to my cocktail recipes and video games and dick jokes.
It was nice to have someone who could hook things up and be able to talk with customer service when things broke. Nice for my family, not nice for me as I was that person. Customer service reps do not want to talk to a child. Especially not a little shit who has been told that he is a technological genius because he learned how to reset the Wi-fi.
My father is an experienced, life long residential electrician. My mother has a Master's degree. How was it that I had to fix every electronic and piece of technology across my entire adolescence? Those are the resumes of two pretty smart people. My dad is good with his hands and my mom could obviously read. So why did all the repairs always fall on me? Because it was something that they were unfamiliar with. My dad can barely type 10 wpm and my mother went through all of college without ever using a computer. So technology scared them. Like the first cave man that was killed via stoning for his mastery of fire. I was the one who mastered the VCR.
Well it was good that they gave me that to do. I did enjoy fixing our family tech and it gave me a sense of approval and capability. Even though sometimes there was unfair blaming and insistence that I call customer service again even though I had no clue what to do next, and the agents refused to speak with a child. But that prepared me for the unfairness of life. Where all you have are two groups of ignorant, unrelated people yelling at you to do something when you've already done all that you can do. There is always some bullshitter that just believes "intuitively" I suppose that there is more that can be done. No matter how hard you try, there will always be more shit to do for some asshole.
I learned a lot by always being Mr. Fix it for my family. But I never learned how much is the right amount of bleach to use when cleaning the fucking bathroom. I must've used 200% of what's needed because my entire apartment stinks of it and I might pass out soon. It's fucking horrendous.
Click here if you want to check out my Youtube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCPywZOYDSrzlPgQnsuMxDXg?view_as=subscriber
Short Funny Story: The Barman Doesn't Leave You in The Dark
I like the look of my own face. It's a good face honestly. It looks best when it's smiling and tending bar/serving does put a smile on my face. Where else can you make bank by helping people have a great time? I don't care if both my knees blow out and they have to wheel me around behind the bar, if I never make it in comedy, I'll just keep tending bar!
But back to my face. I have a big nose and "piercing eyes". They have also been called psychotic eyes but those were the words of some psychotic bitches that I have since left behind. (No I haven't been reading your emails, I asked you to please TURN OFF ALL CAPS) Many people feel a bit put off or excited by my gaze and why not? I'm a total stud. I'm the bartender dude, the lifelong mission of every cool guy is to be the cool guy that hands out alcohol. By the standards of many a cool guy, I'm already as cool as I could possible be. Thanks to the modern marvels of depression meds, I'm also a happy cool guy too. But being behind the bar and on pills doesn't mean that I've forgotten about the abyss, it just means I moved it to my spam folder even though I know that it contains a perfectly valid bill that I don't intend to pay right now but certainly will have to later.
My coolness and face aside, I could never work another kind of job job after having handed out the alcohol. Sometimes the handing out of the booze is very stressful, especially so when there are a great many people and you have to do it very fast. But I can't ever see myself trading in the cocktail shakers for a company hat and retirement plan as the guy who cuts off the electricity when you don't pay your bill on time. I would try to apply the same friendly warm charm that I use to welcome bar patrons on people that would not ever want anything to do with me. I mean, I could get yelled at. Not a big deal for most, but I have my feelings and my ego to think about. I need to feel like I do a cool thing for cool people and being around me makes them happy. Putting people in the dark and cold would not accomplish that feeling.
How did I end up like this? You mean, perfect? Well I can't explain all that but drinking until you blackout for three years and then one day waking up to the worst alcohol induced anxiety imaginable has a way of molding you. Yes I hid in the bathroom from my roommates and was convinced that they might be planning to kill me, but what if they were? I would have been safe long enough to call the cops and be rescued. The preservation of my life is a boon to all. Plus, you don't know these guys like I do. You ever felt nervous like somebody might be watching you fap through your webcam? Well your instincts were right, because my roommates were the ones watching you. They are totally "not into that stuff dude" they just like to be were they shouldn't be. Like a ghost that haunts a house that he didn't die in. It's fucking weird. They might have been ghosts.
Click here if you have a hobby that you would like to turn into a business: https://e8b2fa0bng3qzbv8xafqmnbo9p.hop.clickbank.net/
Click on any of these if you want to enjoy some legendary comedy:
But back to my face. I have a big nose and "piercing eyes". They have also been called psychotic eyes but those were the words of some psychotic bitches that I have since left behind. (No I haven't been reading your emails, I asked you to please TURN OFF ALL CAPS) Many people feel a bit put off or excited by my gaze and why not? I'm a total stud. I'm the bartender dude, the lifelong mission of every cool guy is to be the cool guy that hands out alcohol. By the standards of many a cool guy, I'm already as cool as I could possible be. Thanks to the modern marvels of depression meds, I'm also a happy cool guy too. But being behind the bar and on pills doesn't mean that I've forgotten about the abyss, it just means I moved it to my spam folder even though I know that it contains a perfectly valid bill that I don't intend to pay right now but certainly will have to later.
My coolness and face aside, I could never work another kind of job job after having handed out the alcohol. Sometimes the handing out of the booze is very stressful, especially so when there are a great many people and you have to do it very fast. But I can't ever see myself trading in the cocktail shakers for a company hat and retirement plan as the guy who cuts off the electricity when you don't pay your bill on time. I would try to apply the same friendly warm charm that I use to welcome bar patrons on people that would not ever want anything to do with me. I mean, I could get yelled at. Not a big deal for most, but I have my feelings and my ego to think about. I need to feel like I do a cool thing for cool people and being around me makes them happy. Putting people in the dark and cold would not accomplish that feeling.
How did I end up like this? You mean, perfect? Well I can't explain all that but drinking until you blackout for three years and then one day waking up to the worst alcohol induced anxiety imaginable has a way of molding you. Yes I hid in the bathroom from my roommates and was convinced that they might be planning to kill me, but what if they were? I would have been safe long enough to call the cops and be rescued. The preservation of my life is a boon to all. Plus, you don't know these guys like I do. You ever felt nervous like somebody might be watching you fap through your webcam? Well your instincts were right, because my roommates were the ones watching you. They are totally "not into that stuff dude" they just like to be were they shouldn't be. Like a ghost that haunts a house that he didn't die in. It's fucking weird. They might have been ghosts.
Click here if you have a hobby that you would like to turn into a business: https://e8b2fa0bng3qzbv8xafqmnbo9p.hop.clickbank.net/
Click on any of these if you want to enjoy some legendary comedy:
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