The Answers: How To Kiss

So believe it or not, there have been a few times in my life where I've kissed someone. Kissing is a fantastic expression of love and affection and can communicate many different things based on what culture you might be talking about. But this is not a history of kissing so much as it is a rudimentary manual. So let's keep the pioneers of metal in mind as we keep it simple stupid. You're going to open your mouth only slightly as you tilt your head to one side or the other. Don't open your mouth too widely or you're going to look more like you're prepping to take a bite out of her/him. For however open minded the world of today might be, cannibalism is still pretty much off limits.

 If your partner is already going one way, then mirror that as you'll end up in the right place. For any big dumb dumbs out there that doesn't mean go to the same side that he/she goes to. The opposite side, so that you two fit together and don't clash foreheads. You're trying to create a face mashing that is somewhat reminiscent of the yin and yang symbol. But with your mouths. Keep in mind, there is always a possibility that they will recoil from the foul blast of your hot breath hitting them for the first time. I mean fuck, I can smell it from my apartment.

You'll carefully or forcefully if you're a wild ass, pair your lips to the target lips. Don't keep your eyes wide open, that's weird. Don't purse your lips together too tightly, you're supposed to be romantically engaged not pretending to kiss your aunt on the cheek. You kind of just keep repeating that motion from slightly different angles and viola! You're kissing. What to do with your hands and tongue are up to you and your partner. Some of you should practice having the conversation about boundaries with your blow up sex doll before you try it on a human. 

A couple of ways to make sure that kissing goes wrong is to breathe heavily and loudly as you go in for the kiss. Try to kiss someone that would not otherwise expect a kiss, like a complete stranger. Kissing in the daylight in front of other people. That's just bad for the other people, nobody likes PDA. And trying to do too much too early on. She might think it's romantic to be kissed good night after a good evening but she probably isn't ready to be fingered on her porch if you guys just met. Unless she went on the date in a wife beater and chain smokes cheap cigarettes while griping about her 4 kids. If that's the case you can probably bust out the crack pipe and make a whole weekend out of it. Also, never try to finger a complete stranger. Never works out.