Technology is reliable when you don't need it to work. Kind of like your dad.
Absent-minded skeleton still looking for his brain.
Woman with the most sore hands in the world addicted to responding to spam emails.
Callous nurse no longer handing out suckers for being a big boy. Doesn't add up because I'm a way bigger boy than the last time I got a sucker at the doctor's office.
Mindfulness- Wasting time in the name of good health.
Prisoner ready to break up with chains, finds them too clingy.
Gruff stoner chick proud of her hairy pits, finding little success on Tinder.
Proud arsonist takes too many smoke breaks.
Hedonistic monk found eating a protein bar and drinking a juice box during meditation hour.
This here is your short jokes for the day baby. That is unless I decide to do something extra on this day, something unplanned and unforeseen. Maybe I'll post 222 jokes about short people. Or, I might release the long awaited 712 jokes about being tall. NO.WAIT. I'll release my 10,023 knock-knock jokes for the elderly list! Actually, none of that exists and I'll be honest with you, that'd probably kill me to write that many jokes about dumb shit.
You already know we do short jokes, dark jokes and dark humor up in this bitch. Tell me a darker joke than the one on here about Nurses who don't reward you for being a big boy? I just went to the doctor a while back and not only did the nurse and doc have no new jokes for me, they didn't give suckers or kites. It's a travesty honestly. See you on the next one, cheers!
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Jokes: 8 Mostly Short Jokes About Politics and Gambling
Sympathetic gambler always donating to mismanaged Casino. Insists he is charitable and NOT addicted.
Bloomberg bows out of Presidential campaign to become ballerina. Cites an unyielding love of and desire to have sore feet.
I watched a short documentary on gambling addiction. The example they used was a guy who put himself through college with his blackjack winnings. That's not a gambling addict, that's a gambling expert. I'd buy his PDF manual for how to make a fortune at blackjack. Dude probably only did the documentary as marketing for his supreme level of skill.
There is a way to write that last entry as a short joke, but I don't know what it is.
Completing simple tasks with a computer simplifies your life. Attempting to master complex computer tasks inevitably leads you to the edge of an 11 story balcony.
If you are a semi pro gambler in your 40's and the head cook at Waffle House then you are a gambling addict.
Lying politician claims he was steadfast in denying the advances of the prostitute he later had killed via cash payment. Unfortunately, it was his role playing wife in disguise. "She was really good at that..." He later commented.
Elizabeth Warren ends her presidential bid and admits that running for president of the United States is really more of a hobby.
I'm going to call this post 8 jokes about blah blah blah, I don't know yet. There weren't as many dark jokes in this post. I consider gambling addiction to be pretty good grounds for dark jokes to be made. But there wasn't anything super extreme on my mind. That's really the driving force behind a good dark joke I think. Maybe not, I don't know. One of my favorite jokes that I've ever written is "BDSM chef prefers cream whipped." I had that flash into my mind as I was waking up one morning. I think that's the only time that has happened.
The joke about Bloomberg is nothing personal, I couldn't give a fuck less who runs the government. That kind of joke falls into the category of madcap. It's silliness on the level of Bugs Bunny and the three stooges type stuff. In other words, it's awesome. Plus, I'd say that joke falls into the irony category too because a tough, successful business man and politician would never be a ballerina at any point of his life. Same goes for a female at the same success level. Ballet is a pursuit so involving that you can't really accomplish anything else while you're doing it. Maybe not everyone knows that aspect of the joke but oh well. Thanks for reading and I'll see you on the next one, cheers!
Elizabeth Warren ends her presidential bid and admits that running for president of the United States is really more of a hobby.
I'm going to call this post 8 jokes about blah blah blah, I don't know yet. There weren't as many dark jokes in this post. I consider gambling addiction to be pretty good grounds for dark jokes to be made. But there wasn't anything super extreme on my mind. That's really the driving force behind a good dark joke I think. Maybe not, I don't know. One of my favorite jokes that I've ever written is "BDSM chef prefers cream whipped." I had that flash into my mind as I was waking up one morning. I think that's the only time that has happened.
The joke about Bloomberg is nothing personal, I couldn't give a fuck less who runs the government. That kind of joke falls into the category of madcap. It's silliness on the level of Bugs Bunny and the three stooges type stuff. In other words, it's awesome. Plus, I'd say that joke falls into the irony category too because a tough, successful business man and politician would never be a ballerina at any point of his life. Same goes for a female at the same success level. Ballet is a pursuit so involving that you can't really accomplish anything else while you're doing it. Maybe not everyone knows that aspect of the joke but oh well. Thanks for reading and I'll see you on the next one, cheers!
Jokes: 10 Short Jokes to Help You Decide the Short Joke of the Day
Man missing for almost 2 weeks found by Asheville police in jail. "Couldn't remember the last place we left him." -Sheriff
"How do concussions affect the brain?" asked one scientist with a hammer.
Man who believed himself invincible crashed through the front window of a bus he was driving and suffered no harm. Was originally thought to suffer from psychosis, now doctors are calling him superman.
I always click the most ridiculous news stories when I'm trying to write jokes. So now my news feed struggles to provide me with news stories that are fucked up enough for me.
High performers prone to fits of giggles and redness of the eyes.
Bigoted fluffy white bunnies found isolating themselves from colored bunnies.
Deranged biology major dreams of one day yanking the rotten teeth out of strangers.
Fearsome kittens viciously attack the hand that feeds them in show of dominance.
Promiscuous post man leaves love letters all around town.
Flirty prison guard always dangling the keys just out of reach.
Somewhere in this writing you'll find the short joke of the day. Although I never decide that for myself. I don't know which short joke people will think is the funniest. So, if you want to, you can comment what joke on this list you think should be the short joke of the day. I'd love to read that and it would help me to decide what short jokes on these posts I should be considering for t-shirts and clothing designs in the future.
If you want, you can still comment what the funniest part of my answers, shot glass thoughts and any of the older posts are. They wouldn't necessarily fit the format of the short joke of the day type stuff but I could keep those suggestions in mind for future projects. I look forward to reading what you guys think about my short jokes. Thank you for reading and I'll see you on the next one, cheers!
"How do concussions affect the brain?" asked one scientist with a hammer.
Man who believed himself invincible crashed through the front window of a bus he was driving and suffered no harm. Was originally thought to suffer from psychosis, now doctors are calling him superman.
I always click the most ridiculous news stories when I'm trying to write jokes. So now my news feed struggles to provide me with news stories that are fucked up enough for me.
High performers prone to fits of giggles and redness of the eyes.
Bigoted fluffy white bunnies found isolating themselves from colored bunnies.
Deranged biology major dreams of one day yanking the rotten teeth out of strangers.
Fearsome kittens viciously attack the hand that feeds them in show of dominance.
Promiscuous post man leaves love letters all around town.
Flirty prison guard always dangling the keys just out of reach.
Somewhere in this writing you'll find the short joke of the day. Although I never decide that for myself. I don't know which short joke people will think is the funniest. So, if you want to, you can comment what joke on this list you think should be the short joke of the day. I'd love to read that and it would help me to decide what short jokes on these posts I should be considering for t-shirts and clothing designs in the future.
If you want, you can still comment what the funniest part of my answers, shot glass thoughts and any of the older posts are. They wouldn't necessarily fit the format of the short joke of the day type stuff but I could keep those suggestions in mind for future projects. I look forward to reading what you guys think about my short jokes. Thank you for reading and I'll see you on the next one, cheers!
Jokes: 15 Short Jokes Invoking the Character Flaws that Derailed your Political Career
Plenty of dark jokes to be had in this bitch baby. I'm saying in this bitch! baby. With an eerily long pause in between bitch! and baby. I'd never call a baby a bitch if you were wondering. Also, I might have to catch my breath to be able to say the baby part. This is because when I yell bitch, I commit. I want to be the comedian version of the doctor from Mad Max: Fury Road. I think that disgusting freak would love some good dark jokes. Anyway, hears the jokes(;p)
Immature preacher delivers message in toddler tantrum format. (This joke makes good sense if you've ever suffered through the scream fests delivered by some southern baptist preachers. Google it if you don't believe me, it's absurd.)
Playful general never bombs anything important.
Incompetent plumber gives the pipe to everyone but his wife.
Lazy porn addict cured after not being able to pay the internet bill.
I've tried to fall in love with every good woman in town but they don't accept cash.
Lying masochist refuses to tell the doctor where it hurts.
Overconfident cleaning man confused about how replaceable he is.
Pussy ass lazy fuck willing to complain about sore feet but not willing to ice them.
Man at war with his feet gains 200lbs to crush them.
Overambitious campfire looks to eradicate entire forest.
Practical stunt man sells insurance on the side.
Prideful sadist gave himself up via social media posts from his dungeon.
Seductive truck driver bangs prostitutes for free...at gun point.
Senile 19 year old only able to smoke pot and "totally chill."
Softhearted tyrant in favor of selective slaughter and subjugation as opposed to reckless total annihilation.
There is a bit of dark humor in this post. Quite a bit actually, now that I've proofread it. The most dark joke being the one about the "seductive trucker" lol. I love that joke, it's probably my favorite on the list. Not because I hate women... but it doesn't hurt to be honest. Just kidding obviously. Are there any liberals reading this that can make a literal interpretation of these posts and then cry about it publicly?
Also, are there any know it all conservative cunts that can call the liberals wusses but then tell the public that my writing is not on the same level as a comedian that they've been paid to endorse? Fucking gutless sellouts. Yeah, both sides can fuck off. But by fuck off I mean argue about me so that I can get some free marketing. Anyway, that's all the dark jokes I can muster for now. See you on the next one, cheers!
Immature preacher delivers message in toddler tantrum format. (This joke makes good sense if you've ever suffered through the scream fests delivered by some southern baptist preachers. Google it if you don't believe me, it's absurd.)
Playful general never bombs anything important.
Incompetent plumber gives the pipe to everyone but his wife.
Lazy porn addict cured after not being able to pay the internet bill.
I've tried to fall in love with every good woman in town but they don't accept cash.
Lying masochist refuses to tell the doctor where it hurts.
Overconfident cleaning man confused about how replaceable he is.
Pussy ass lazy fuck willing to complain about sore feet but not willing to ice them.
Man at war with his feet gains 200lbs to crush them.
Overambitious campfire looks to eradicate entire forest.
Practical stunt man sells insurance on the side.
Prideful sadist gave himself up via social media posts from his dungeon.
Seductive truck driver bangs prostitutes for free...at gun point.
Senile 19 year old only able to smoke pot and "totally chill."
Softhearted tyrant in favor of selective slaughter and subjugation as opposed to reckless total annihilation.
There is a bit of dark humor in this post. Quite a bit actually, now that I've proofread it. The most dark joke being the one about the "seductive trucker" lol. I love that joke, it's probably my favorite on the list. Not because I hate women... but it doesn't hurt to be honest. Just kidding obviously. Are there any liberals reading this that can make a literal interpretation of these posts and then cry about it publicly?
Also, are there any know it all conservative cunts that can call the liberals wusses but then tell the public that my writing is not on the same level as a comedian that they've been paid to endorse? Fucking gutless sellouts. Yeah, both sides can fuck off. But by fuck off I mean argue about me so that I can get some free marketing. Anyway, that's all the dark jokes I can muster for now. See you on the next one, cheers!
Jokes: 11 Dark Jokes That Make the Sun Smile and the Moon Beam
Conservatives bare all in nude political discussion.
Clairvoyant junkie prefers moral high ground.
Renown tough guy let's wife violently peg him to prove his toughness once and for all.
Arrogant dish washer humiliated by the superior cleaning of a dish washing machine.
Big mouth cross dresser popular at the opera.
Dependent man baby looking for a wife to permanently role play as his mother.
Naive cunt looking for a sap to spill in her tree. Also, to pay for everything.
Deranged taxi driver willing to risk death to get you to your routine check-up on time.
Eccentric artist never practices, produces or improves. She does do drugs, owe 60k in student loans and hates the white man more than the grandparents of today's Native Americans.
One idealistic engineer believes that his city plans will prevent traffic jams, even in the event of a terrorist attack.
Illiterate president elected to king of rock and fire after decades of threatening nuclear war.
This bit of writing has more dark jokes than a lot of the other posts I've been doing. I'm not sure what makes me what to write dark jokes on one day versus another. The day of this writing was beautiful and I was really excited about a gluten free strawberry protein mix I was trying out. Fucking phenomenal. The protein mixes with the gluten in them are so damn thick it's like trying to drink chocolate gravy out of a water bottle. Disgusting. Anyway, hope these dark jokes got you a couple laughs and I'll see you on the next one, cheers!
Clairvoyant junkie prefers moral high ground.
Renown tough guy let's wife violently peg him to prove his toughness once and for all.
Arrogant dish washer humiliated by the superior cleaning of a dish washing machine.
Big mouth cross dresser popular at the opera.
Dependent man baby looking for a wife to permanently role play as his mother.
Naive cunt looking for a sap to spill in her tree. Also, to pay for everything.
Deranged taxi driver willing to risk death to get you to your routine check-up on time.
Eccentric artist never practices, produces or improves. She does do drugs, owe 60k in student loans and hates the white man more than the grandparents of today's Native Americans.
One idealistic engineer believes that his city plans will prevent traffic jams, even in the event of a terrorist attack.
Illiterate president elected to king of rock and fire after decades of threatening nuclear war.
This bit of writing has more dark jokes than a lot of the other posts I've been doing. I'm not sure what makes me what to write dark jokes on one day versus another. The day of this writing was beautiful and I was really excited about a gluten free strawberry protein mix I was trying out. Fucking phenomenal. The protein mixes with the gluten in them are so damn thick it's like trying to drink chocolate gravy out of a water bottle. Disgusting. Anyway, hope these dark jokes got you a couple laughs and I'll see you on the next one, cheers!
Jokes: 10 Glimmering Short Jokes that Unveil the Duality of Man
Gruff super model cornering the market of bearded lady fashion.
Hedonistic principle smoking all the cigarettes he confiscates.
Visionary 2 year old philosopher tears the pages out of modern philosophy book.
Incompetent waitress asks table if they can read her writing.
Infamous diabetic known mostly for his raps, has the biggest fan base of white college students of any artist.
Intolerant host now hosting party for none, depression for one.
Naive kitchen staff thinks someone gives a fuck that they aren't serving breakfast right now.
Nobody knows what the truly obsessive bartender's drinks taste like because he always gives up and starts over.
Megalomaniac bus driver believes one day he'll own all the pocket change.
Heart-warming love story ends with marriage for 2 porn site commenters.
Hedonistic principle smoking all the cigarettes he confiscates.
Visionary 2 year old philosopher tears the pages out of modern philosophy book.
Incompetent waitress asks table if they can read her writing.
Infamous diabetic known mostly for his raps, has the biggest fan base of white college students of any artist.
Intolerant host now hosting party for none, depression for one.
Naive kitchen staff thinks someone gives a fuck that they aren't serving breakfast right now.
Nobody knows what the truly obsessive bartender's drinks taste like because he always gives up and starts over.
Megalomaniac bus driver believes one day he'll own all the pocket change.
Heart-warming love story ends with marriage for 2 porn site commenters.
Jokes: 8 Sketchy Dark Jokes From a Guy Who Doesn't Draw
Lung cancer patient addicted to coughing, not cigarettes.
I have hurt myself while drinking alcohol but only because it makes me want to run on the treadmill...obviously, without the safety belt.
Audacious southern preacher claims swearing to be a first class ticket to Hell while also ruining his congregation by instigating petty squabbles.
Bigoted liberal insists on destroying poor neighborhoods with handouts instead of advocating increases in education funding.
Selfish conservative doesn't care enough to notice poor neighborhood or maniacal bigoted liberal.
Wrote those last two jokes because a deranged anarchist picked the lock on my front door.
To be honest, the deranged anarchist is probably just me but in a delusion. To be clear, I do hate both sides of the political isle. So, both of you can find unity in hating me back. I could give a fuck less. Plus, it's what our first president would have wanted. The unity part, not the hating of a comedian.
Two good friends of mine have taken up smoking and I can't figure out why. When I want to kill myself I Google "Cliffs near me" because, why not make it quick? Smoking and cancer takes forever and really, really hurts. Shooting over the railing at 99 miles per hour and crashing in catastrophic fashion at the bottom of a ravine only hurts once and not for very long.
That was 8 Sketchy Dark Jokes From a Guy Who Doesn't Draw. I used to draw and maybe I should again. It is great for stress relief. Though, so is writing dark jokes. Two of my friends are having a drawing contest challenge thing. It's been great to watch because one of them is discovering a new passion and the other one is demonstrating step-by-step how to half ass something that is supposedly your passion. Maybe that should be in my next The Answers post. Those things take time, so don't expect it soon. Anyway, thanks for reading and cheers!
I have hurt myself while drinking alcohol but only because it makes me want to run on the treadmill...obviously, without the safety belt.
Audacious southern preacher claims swearing to be a first class ticket to Hell while also ruining his congregation by instigating petty squabbles.
Bigoted liberal insists on destroying poor neighborhoods with handouts instead of advocating increases in education funding.
Selfish conservative doesn't care enough to notice poor neighborhood or maniacal bigoted liberal.
Wrote those last two jokes because a deranged anarchist picked the lock on my front door.
To be honest, the deranged anarchist is probably just me but in a delusion. To be clear, I do hate both sides of the political isle. So, both of you can find unity in hating me back. I could give a fuck less. Plus, it's what our first president would have wanted. The unity part, not the hating of a comedian.
Two good friends of mine have taken up smoking and I can't figure out why. When I want to kill myself I Google "Cliffs near me" because, why not make it quick? Smoking and cancer takes forever and really, really hurts. Shooting over the railing at 99 miles per hour and crashing in catastrophic fashion at the bottom of a ravine only hurts once and not for very long.
That was 8 Sketchy Dark Jokes From a Guy Who Doesn't Draw. I used to draw and maybe I should again. It is great for stress relief. Though, so is writing dark jokes. Two of my friends are having a drawing contest challenge thing. It's been great to watch because one of them is discovering a new passion and the other one is demonstrating step-by-step how to half ass something that is supposedly your passion. Maybe that should be in my next The Answers post. Those things take time, so don't expect it soon. Anyway, thanks for reading and cheers!
Jokes: 12 Short Jokes Detailing the Flaws we all Love
Practical serial killer waiting for victims to die down. Prefers pushing them off ledges.
Rebellious student expelled for going to the bathroom without permission.
On second thought, that last joke probably has happened many times. God I hated school.
Sadistic husband rips flowers from their roots and ties them together before half drowning them and giving them to his co-conspiring wife.
Soft-hearted general only seeking to annihilate every able bodied man among the enemy, no women, children or the elderly.
Solemn cheerleader only believes in doing her D.U.T.Y.
Theatrical custodian paying his way through art school always said "It's never too late to paint a different picture." Unfortunately slipped and fell down 7 flights of stairs while dancing to the beat of his own symphony.
Weak willed steroid abuser unwilling to amputate his own nutsack for doctor prescribed testosterone. Coach demands "A much higher level of commitment."
Unlucky gambler only able to win the lottery one time after many, many attempts.
Trouble making doctor always looking for something to go wrong.
Timid New York driver only honking 5 times per minute.
Impatient martyr self immolates in too much of a hurry to get to Hell.
That was 12 Short Jokes Detailing the Flaws we all Love. Some of them were dark jokes and some of them weren't really dark at all. So, depending on what you've come to expect from my content, perhaps this could have been much darker. Or, maybe you'd prefer less dark humor. Let me know in the comments and don't forget to share this on social media. Thanks for reading, cheers!
Rebellious student expelled for going to the bathroom without permission.
On second thought, that last joke probably has happened many times. God I hated school.
Sadistic husband rips flowers from their roots and ties them together before half drowning them and giving them to his co-conspiring wife.
Soft-hearted general only seeking to annihilate every able bodied man among the enemy, no women, children or the elderly.
Solemn cheerleader only believes in doing her D.U.T.Y.
Theatrical custodian paying his way through art school always said "It's never too late to paint a different picture." Unfortunately slipped and fell down 7 flights of stairs while dancing to the beat of his own symphony.
Weak willed steroid abuser unwilling to amputate his own nutsack for doctor prescribed testosterone. Coach demands "A much higher level of commitment."
Unlucky gambler only able to win the lottery one time after many, many attempts.
Trouble making doctor always looking for something to go wrong.
Timid New York driver only honking 5 times per minute.
Impatient martyr self immolates in too much of a hurry to get to Hell.
That was 12 Short Jokes Detailing the Flaws we all Love. Some of them were dark jokes and some of them weren't really dark at all. So, depending on what you've come to expect from my content, perhaps this could have been much darker. Or, maybe you'd prefer less dark humor. Let me know in the comments and don't forget to share this on social media. Thanks for reading, cheers!
Jokes: 11 Short Jokes Detailing our Modern World
Cruel preacher continues speaking for a living in spite of grating voice. Similar to the Inquisition, believes he is doing God's work.
Childish president dependent on drama for survival, brings to mind high school cheerleaders.
Deranged man frantically posting politically charged Facebook posts believes someone is actually reading them.
Egotistical garbage man confused about the nature of his work.
Fanatical blogger desperately trying to impress strangers with middle school writing skills.
I'll leave room for all of you in the comments below to claim that the last joke was about me. ;)
Fearsome competitors prepare themselves for National Milk Chugging Contest this Thursday at 2pm.
Flirty Hell's Angel retires from crime to start a baking business. Thinks it will help him to "Meet gu-chicks... I mean, tons of bitches."
Hoity-toity judge leaving courtroom unsure of verdicts. Says justice is "More about the journey and not the destination."
Illiterate mayor elected after decades of school budget cuts.
Judgmental bartender now finding work as dishwasher.
So that's 11 short jokes detailing our modern world. Tell me below how much I missed the mark on this post or share it on social media and tell everyone you know how much I missed the mark! Then you would look super smart and you'd definitely be making a difference in the world. After all, we all know that real heroes post shit on Facebook.
Childish president dependent on drama for survival, brings to mind high school cheerleaders.
Deranged man frantically posting politically charged Facebook posts believes someone is actually reading them.
Egotistical garbage man confused about the nature of his work.
Fanatical blogger desperately trying to impress strangers with middle school writing skills.
I'll leave room for all of you in the comments below to claim that the last joke was about me. ;)
Fearsome competitors prepare themselves for National Milk Chugging Contest this Thursday at 2pm.
Flirty Hell's Angel retires from crime to start a baking business. Thinks it will help him to "Meet gu-chicks... I mean, tons of bitches."
Hoity-toity judge leaving courtroom unsure of verdicts. Says justice is "More about the journey and not the destination."
Illiterate mayor elected after decades of school budget cuts.
Judgmental bartender now finding work as dishwasher.
So that's 11 short jokes detailing our modern world. Tell me below how much I missed the mark on this post or share it on social media and tell everyone you know how much I missed the mark! Then you would look super smart and you'd definitely be making a difference in the world. After all, we all know that real heroes post shit on Facebook.
Jokes: 12 Short Jokes That I Wrote with my Mama
Experts afraid to raise the original Titanic as it might offend Poseidon.
Paramedic turned drug dealer excellent at reviving clientele.
Drunken preacher prone to shouting in pulpit and the bar.
Lying electrician shocked at false voltage reading.
Lazy cleaning man washed away in a sea of filth.
Blunt sword only effective in stabbing feelings.
Selfish nun wants all the blessings to herself.
Lazy ant ostracized after proving to be the rich white kid of the group.
Shallow monk only concerned with covering bald spot.
Absent-minded astronaut ends up high, but not in space.
Abusive psychiatrist always bringing shit up.
Aimless sniper always missing the mark, blames falsehoods of reality.
This is a list of 12 short jokes that I wrote with the help of my Mama. She doesn't want writing credits because she thinks these jokes are mean. LOL
Paramedic turned drug dealer excellent at reviving clientele.
Drunken preacher prone to shouting in pulpit and the bar.
Lying electrician shocked at false voltage reading.
Lazy cleaning man washed away in a sea of filth.
Blunt sword only effective in stabbing feelings.
Selfish nun wants all the blessings to herself.
Lazy ant ostracized after proving to be the rich white kid of the group.
Shallow monk only concerned with covering bald spot.
Absent-minded astronaut ends up high, but not in space.
Abusive psychiatrist always bringing shit up.
Aimless sniper always missing the mark, blames falsehoods of reality.
This is a list of 12 short jokes that I wrote with the help of my Mama. She doesn't want writing credits because she thinks these jokes are mean. LOL
Jokes: 7 Short Jokes to Smirk at During Your Next Boring Meeting
Assisted Suicide Inc. is offering new flavors of bleach to make your last drink delicious.
Spent the last 2-3 hours laying in bed wanting to get up and be very funny. Technically, this sentence took about 3 hours to write. It's good for somebody that I don't charge by the hour.
Sleep addict reports feeling rested. Family worries this is a sign of relapse.
Philandering cat lady makes home wi-fi password Pusslord.
Open minded hobo sex addict giving up fingering for thumbing rides.
Judging from the black eye on my neighbor they are a swinging couple with only one swinger.
Lumbering giant monster found scaring people in the dark on local college campus. Turns out it was a 6'5 autistic man dressed as a hedgehog.
Our first joke was one of the finest dark jokes in all the land. If Dark Souls were a 2hr long comedy special, that joke would've been about a bleach filled estus flask or something. These short jokes with hints of dark humor are fun to write and even more fun to share. So send them out to anyone you can. Thanks for reading and I'll see you on the next one!
Spent the last 2-3 hours laying in bed wanting to get up and be very funny. Technically, this sentence took about 3 hours to write. It's good for somebody that I don't charge by the hour.
Sleep addict reports feeling rested. Family worries this is a sign of relapse.
Philandering cat lady makes home wi-fi password Pusslord.
Open minded hobo sex addict giving up fingering for thumbing rides.
Judging from the black eye on my neighbor they are a swinging couple with only one swinger.
Lumbering giant monster found scaring people in the dark on local college campus. Turns out it was a 6'5 autistic man dressed as a hedgehog.
Our first joke was one of the finest dark jokes in all the land. If Dark Souls were a 2hr long comedy special, that joke would've been about a bleach filled estus flask or something. These short jokes with hints of dark humor are fun to write and even more fun to share. So send them out to anyone you can. Thanks for reading and I'll see you on the next one!
Jokes: 11 Short Jokes That Reflect the Inner Machinations of our World
Here are 11 of the finest short jokes that I could muster one evening before work. Please enjoy and share them with your friends!
Earning a college degree teaches you how to be a manager with non answers.
Trusting pimp let's girls do their own bookkeeping.
Community focused combat vet eager to show off ear collection taken from enemies.
Reformed college sex addict teaching couples how to "slut it up" in their relationships. One of her reviews said that she was "Very hands on. More than willing to show us exactly what to do." Some are concerned that this behavior might be triggering for the former education major but she insists "This is not a setup for a three way."
Health conscious drug dealer assures clients "relapse is a part of recovery."
Reviews are mixed for the secret novel that took everyone by surprise, "11 Rules of Great Parenting by Charles Manson."
Obvious traumatic brain injury sufferer President Donald Trump dismisses severity of brain injuries.
Facebook cozy room photo liker and blogger Martha Dimwittie found to be a closeted anarchist after she retweet a post about living without rules or limitations.
Racist coronavirus only killing Asians so far. Social justice advocates volunteer others for possible expansion project in the name of equality.
Former drug addicts explain that prison time helped them get clean contradicting dick headed Criminology professor who doesn't actually know anything.
"Success is much easier to borrow from parents" -2nd generation wealth
Enjoy these short jokes and share them with all your friends!
Earning a college degree teaches you how to be a manager with non answers.
Trusting pimp let's girls do their own bookkeeping.
Community focused combat vet eager to show off ear collection taken from enemies.
Reformed college sex addict teaching couples how to "slut it up" in their relationships. One of her reviews said that she was "Very hands on. More than willing to show us exactly what to do." Some are concerned that this behavior might be triggering for the former education major but she insists "This is not a setup for a three way."
Health conscious drug dealer assures clients "relapse is a part of recovery."
Reviews are mixed for the secret novel that took everyone by surprise, "11 Rules of Great Parenting by Charles Manson."
Obvious traumatic brain injury sufferer President Donald Trump dismisses severity of brain injuries.
Facebook cozy room photo liker and blogger Martha Dimwittie found to be a closeted anarchist after she retweet a post about living without rules or limitations.
Racist coronavirus only killing Asians so far. Social justice advocates volunteer others for possible expansion project in the name of equality.
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"Success is much easier to borrow from parents" -2nd generation wealth
Enjoy these short jokes and share them with all your friends!
Jokes: 12 Jokes, All Short, Some Dark
It's a good thing I learned to touch type because I'm writing this while I'm blind drunk. Couldn't manually spell check this thing even if I wanted to.
It's gonna be a while before I'll be able to make any videos. My setup is glitched and I've gotta wait for somebody smarter than me to fix it. This isn't really a joke, I just think it's funny that my operation can be so easily derailed.
Punk geologist prefers to rock out. ( I know, I know. But I love this joke anyway.)
Low self esteem trash pile thinks he's down in the dumps.
Innocent Lion sentenced to 20 years in solitary confinement with gawking tourists as his only interaction.
Obviously mentally ill man entertains delusion of leaving a positive impact on the world.
Phone-ee friends never prefer text messages. Talking more personal. (I love phone calls.)
I went to the store to get some toilet paper, deodorant and some ready made frozen biscuits. But I ended up at the liquor store. So, honestly, I don't know where I went.
Lustful organ harvesters want me for my body.
Loose lipped twink popular in prison.
If you're ate up with Hell, you know the Devil has sharp teeth.
Love letter to earthquake quotes AC-DC, "You shook me all night long."
Dreamy trucker asleep at the wheel again.
Blind new guy getting a feel for the office.
Keep clicking my new posts if you want more short jokes and more dark jokes. Don't forget, you can experience my dark humor every day. That's because I post every single day! What's better than that? I can't think of anything. Stay tuned and cheers!
It's gonna be a while before I'll be able to make any videos. My setup is glitched and I've gotta wait for somebody smarter than me to fix it. This isn't really a joke, I just think it's funny that my operation can be so easily derailed.
Punk geologist prefers to rock out. ( I know, I know. But I love this joke anyway.)
Low self esteem trash pile thinks he's down in the dumps.
Innocent Lion sentenced to 20 years in solitary confinement with gawking tourists as his only interaction.
Obviously mentally ill man entertains delusion of leaving a positive impact on the world.
Phone-ee friends never prefer text messages. Talking more personal. (I love phone calls.)
I went to the store to get some toilet paper, deodorant and some ready made frozen biscuits. But I ended up at the liquor store. So, honestly, I don't know where I went.
Lustful organ harvesters want me for my body.
Loose lipped twink popular in prison.
If you're ate up with Hell, you know the Devil has sharp teeth.
Love letter to earthquake quotes AC-DC, "You shook me all night long."
Dreamy trucker asleep at the wheel again.
Blind new guy getting a feel for the office.
Keep clicking my new posts if you want more short jokes and more dark jokes. Don't forget, you can experience my dark humor every day. That's because I post every single day! What's better than that? I can't think of anything. Stay tuned and cheers!
Jokes:8 Short Jokes Delivered With Your Own Incomparable Gusto!
So, I'm writing a lot of jokes only posts lately. I have the most fun writing those posts. But they don't have a very large word count or a bunch of keywords. So they won't kick ass at search engine optimization. This is why I need everybody who reads these things to share them on social media. If you all do that, then your friends will get a chuckle and I'll be able to make it big. Win-win baby, so share these posts on your social media.
Full disclosure, if you share my shit with your family and friends there is a good chance that you'll be ostracized. I make fun of everyone especially all of us ghostly looking honkies.
Here's a modified version of a joke from the funniest man of all time: "Quitting drinking is easy, I've done it thousands of times." The original joke was from Mark Twain and it read: "Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it thousands of times." Isn't that amazing that he wrote a joke that was so timeless that it could get laughs even today? I never knew how much I really loved that guy till I started studying comedy writing.
Cancer fan takes up smoking to fulfill lifelong dream.
Anti-teeth man takes up dipping to lessen his chewing potential.
Cigar enthusiast doesn't "need all of his mouth."
Local man breaks record for most inappropriate messages sent while eating chicken biscuits and drinking coconut flavored cocktails.
That last one was just a true account of my life.
I'd believe in myself if my toaster would let me.
I'd take out the trash if my toaster would stop telling me that there are government agents waiting for me to fall into that trap.
Apparently, government agents are the ones would made cheesy eggs last night and made a mess of the whole kitchen and not me. What a bunch of assholes. I could have cooked if you just asked. Let's sit down and have meals together like the family that we are.
I recently updated my review of Red Steel from 2006 on the Nintendo Wii. Click here to check it out:https://www.comedyapprentice.com/2019/09/video-game-review-my-love-will-go-on.html. I love this game and the review. So check it out homie!
I didn't spell check this because I'm hammered. Please forgive if there are some mistakes. If this message is still here when this thing goes up then know that I meant to make it back to check lol.
Full disclosure, if you share my shit with your family and friends there is a good chance that you'll be ostracized. I make fun of everyone especially all of us ghostly looking honkies.
Here's a modified version of a joke from the funniest man of all time: "Quitting drinking is easy, I've done it thousands of times." The original joke was from Mark Twain and it read: "Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it thousands of times." Isn't that amazing that he wrote a joke that was so timeless that it could get laughs even today? I never knew how much I really loved that guy till I started studying comedy writing.
Cancer fan takes up smoking to fulfill lifelong dream.
Anti-teeth man takes up dipping to lessen his chewing potential.
Cigar enthusiast doesn't "need all of his mouth."
Local man breaks record for most inappropriate messages sent while eating chicken biscuits and drinking coconut flavored cocktails.
That last one was just a true account of my life.
I'd believe in myself if my toaster would let me.
I'd take out the trash if my toaster would stop telling me that there are government agents waiting for me to fall into that trap.
Apparently, government agents are the ones would made cheesy eggs last night and made a mess of the whole kitchen and not me. What a bunch of assholes. I could have cooked if you just asked. Let's sit down and have meals together like the family that we are.
I recently updated my review of Red Steel from 2006 on the Nintendo Wii. Click here to check it out:https://www.comedyapprentice.com/2019/09/video-game-review-my-love-will-go-on.html. I love this game and the review. So check it out homie!
I didn't spell check this because I'm hammered. Please forgive if there are some mistakes. If this message is still here when this thing goes up then know that I meant to make it back to check lol.
Jokes: 9 Short Jokes That I'll be Glad to Tell at the Open Mic in any Honkytonk
I wanna have sex the way that most people want to play bowling. It's a good excuse to get drunk and make some noise, but not much else.
I don't need an excuse to get drunk but it's good to be prepared.
If you don't start early you'll never be able to drink all day.
Heavy drinking comic only hears booze. "Makes me thirsty." He said.
Drinking alcohol is like time travel that only goes into the future. You take "too much" alcohol and then wake up in an unfamiliar time period. Could be several days later.
Just switched from champagne to cocktails and it didn't cost me a thing. My neighbor hates locking his door.
In spite of that first joke, I don't really want to have sex. At least, I don't want to have sex at my place. I mean who really wants to deal with all that clean-up? Not me. But I equally don't want to sleep in musky sex smell for several weeks till I decide to wash everything again.
I have been getting drunk everyday on all my off days. If they'd let me drink at work then I'd never have an off day. As far as I can tell, I don't get any worse at bartending when I'm drunk. I mean, I'm my own personal bartender and I've been loving my work all week. I'm damn near ready to give myself a promotion.
I wanna get lit enough to go to sleep but the light is too bright.
I don't need an excuse to get drunk but it's good to be prepared.
If you don't start early you'll never be able to drink all day.
Heavy drinking comic only hears booze. "Makes me thirsty." He said.
Drinking alcohol is like time travel that only goes into the future. You take "too much" alcohol and then wake up in an unfamiliar time period. Could be several days later.
Just switched from champagne to cocktails and it didn't cost me a thing. My neighbor hates locking his door.
In spite of that first joke, I don't really want to have sex. At least, I don't want to have sex at my place. I mean who really wants to deal with all that clean-up? Not me. But I equally don't want to sleep in musky sex smell for several weeks till I decide to wash everything again.
I have been getting drunk everyday on all my off days. If they'd let me drink at work then I'd never have an off day. As far as I can tell, I don't get any worse at bartending when I'm drunk. I mean, I'm my own personal bartender and I've been loving my work all week. I'm damn near ready to give myself a promotion.
I wanna get lit enough to go to sleep but the light is too bright.
Jokes: 11 Short Play on Words Jokes to Delight Wordplay Folks
Drinking cheap sparkling wine can be champainful.
Nerdy hooker wants to comic strip.
Champagne all day every day surprisingly not good for bubbly personality.
Disappointing preacher becoming more sins-ical.
Heavy drinker tired of concrete bottles.
Harmless loiterer destroyed by words not pertaining to sticks or stones. His family would have acted differently if not for misinformation.
Drunken sunburnt tourists are known to red wine.
Clumsy fallen angel blames balance for founding of Hell.
Little bitch coworker thinks kissing lips to be overrated. Prefers ass cheeks of the boss.
Married life appears to be death.
Cheapskate waits for ice to travel.
Nerdy hooker wants to comic strip.
Champagne all day every day surprisingly not good for bubbly personality.
Disappointing preacher becoming more sins-ical.
Heavy drinker tired of concrete bottles.
Harmless loiterer destroyed by words not pertaining to sticks or stones. His family would have acted differently if not for misinformation.
Drunken sunburnt tourists are known to red wine.
Clumsy fallen angel blames balance for founding of Hell.
Little bitch coworker thinks kissing lips to be overrated. Prefers ass cheeks of the boss.
Married life appears to be death.
Cheapskate waits for ice to travel.
Jokes: 9 Echoes of an Evening in the Holler a Writin' and a Boozin'
Country music was designed so that you would have something to listen to when you're drinking by yourself.
For the people that don't recommend drinking alone, well I don't recommend drinking at all. But I know that I will be.
If I don't drink, how will I know to drink water to stay hydrated?
If I don't have hangover headaches, then who will visit with the cashier in the pharmacy at Wal-Mart?
If I stop drinking will my memory of my shitty past come back? Well that's not exactly a positive incentive there cowboy.
I called you a cowboy in that last joke because I always listen to country music when I'm drinking. Which is also the reason why I can remember most of the words to country music songs. Not all of them though, nobody has a memory that good.
I'd rather stay home and drink than go out and meet my soul mate. I think I'll know my soul mate when she staggers over to my bar stool and calls me a name that ain't mine.
I used ain't in that last joke because I'm listening to country music while I drink and write.
If you're wondering why I'm drinking and listening to country music while I'm writing, it's because I want to keep posting, but I don't have one creative thought to express. In a situation like that, you need the only medicine that makes it impossible for you to shut up...BOOZE!!
For the people that don't recommend drinking alone, well I don't recommend drinking at all. But I know that I will be.
If I don't drink, how will I know to drink water to stay hydrated?
If I don't have hangover headaches, then who will visit with the cashier in the pharmacy at Wal-Mart?
If I stop drinking will my memory of my shitty past come back? Well that's not exactly a positive incentive there cowboy.
I called you a cowboy in that last joke because I always listen to country music when I'm drinking. Which is also the reason why I can remember most of the words to country music songs. Not all of them though, nobody has a memory that good.
I'd rather stay home and drink than go out and meet my soul mate. I think I'll know my soul mate when she staggers over to my bar stool and calls me a name that ain't mine.
I used ain't in that last joke because I'm listening to country music while I drink and write.
If you're wondering why I'm drinking and listening to country music while I'm writing, it's because I want to keep posting, but I don't have one creative thought to express. In a situation like that, you need the only medicine that makes it impossible for you to shut up...BOOZE!!
Jokes: 8 Short Reflections on the State of Man Disguised as Short Jokes
Belly full of booze good for curing feelings of emptiness...for a few hours anyway.
Hell is actually cold and it's near lake Michigan, in Illinois in the winter time.
I want to move to Chicago so badly. Maybe Hell is New Jersey at any time of the year. Or any place where there isn't any booze.
The few hours part of the first joke mostly depends on how much booze you have.
I started by singing at church and then I started singing at work. Both are really hard to make it to on time. Especially so when you've got a hangover.
Some people will think that my last joke is awful. But what better time is there to go to church than when you've got a hangover? You've almost certainly got some things to repent.
Thanks to Disney, one day I want to have a passive aggressive relationship with a bi-polar female lion one day.
I mean, honestly, how did Nala think the guy would react to basically making love all night and then having her thrust all the problems of the kingdom on him the next morning? That's just fucked up.
Hell is actually cold and it's near lake Michigan, in Illinois in the winter time.
I want to move to Chicago so badly. Maybe Hell is New Jersey at any time of the year. Or any place where there isn't any booze.
The few hours part of the first joke mostly depends on how much booze you have.
I started by singing at church and then I started singing at work. Both are really hard to make it to on time. Especially so when you've got a hangover.
Some people will think that my last joke is awful. But what better time is there to go to church than when you've got a hangover? You've almost certainly got some things to repent.
Thanks to Disney, one day I want to have a passive aggressive relationship with a bi-polar female lion one day.
I mean, honestly, how did Nala think the guy would react to basically making love all night and then having her thrust all the problems of the kingdom on him the next morning? That's just fucked up.
Jokes: 8 Dark Musings Disguised as Dark Jokes (Bring your flashlight)
I want to make wine out of the pears and oranges that I bought today. My reasoning is that they taste pretty good but they won't get me drunk.
I need to get drunk enough to get back in the bed because I can go to sleep there. This is my form of time travel. If I do this until my next work day, I'll skip all the purposeless misery and go back to being worthy of my existence.
Parent's that want you to kill yourself insist on reminding you of all the people that love you and vengefully market your depression as a personal dig at those people.
My philosophy is that I can't tell the future, don't know what will happen next but, well yes I do. I'll have another drink.
If I were doing that last joke in a stand-up setting I would pretend to be drunker than I am and would shout "Yeehooo!!" at the end of it. Perfect exclamation.
I can tell the future. I usually see it in dreams. Sober dreams too. Drunken stupor dreams turn into wet dreams but only from the homeless people pissing on me behind a dumpster on the rougher side of town.
I slept 15 hours each of the last two days and I've got nothing but regrets. But, none of them are about all that bomb ass sleep. Dreaming likamufucka
Pear and orange flavored wine would be fucking dope and nobody needs to justify that shit. It just would be.
I need to get drunk enough to get back in the bed because I can go to sleep there. This is my form of time travel. If I do this until my next work day, I'll skip all the purposeless misery and go back to being worthy of my existence.
Parent's that want you to kill yourself insist on reminding you of all the people that love you and vengefully market your depression as a personal dig at those people.
My philosophy is that I can't tell the future, don't know what will happen next but, well yes I do. I'll have another drink.
If I were doing that last joke in a stand-up setting I would pretend to be drunker than I am and would shout "Yeehooo!!" at the end of it. Perfect exclamation.
I can tell the future. I usually see it in dreams. Sober dreams too. Drunken stupor dreams turn into wet dreams but only from the homeless people pissing on me behind a dumpster on the rougher side of town.
I slept 15 hours each of the last two days and I've got nothing but regrets. But, none of them are about all that bomb ass sleep. Dreaming likamufucka
Pear and orange flavored wine would be fucking dope and nobody needs to justify that shit. It just would be.
Jokes: 7 Tally Marks for Dark Humor (Well, maybe not that dark.)
Every time I make up my mind to volunteer, I remember that there is a cost of living. I can barely afford it.
The cost of living goes up every time I have to listen to customer's opinions on politics. The cost being my soul.
I should have one the award in HS for most likely to smile while dead inside. Not class clown. Or maybe those two have always been the same thing.
In truth, I did try to volunteer at an animal shelter but they wouldn't let me because they thought I would too pawtective of the critters.
My cost of living is high because my inspirations are bottles of champagne and cheesecake.
I'm not dead inside but I have swallowed a few bugs on accident. So the dead is inside of me. This was also what happens when you get raped by a zombie.
A baby smiled and waved at me in Wal-Mart today. Which means that he was the only person that was happy to see me so far in the month of February. Further, in the year of 2020.
The cost of living goes up every time I have to listen to customer's opinions on politics. The cost being my soul.
I should have one the award in HS for most likely to smile while dead inside. Not class clown. Or maybe those two have always been the same thing.
In truth, I did try to volunteer at an animal shelter but they wouldn't let me because they thought I would too pawtective of the critters.
My cost of living is high because my inspirations are bottles of champagne and cheesecake.
I'm not dead inside but I have swallowed a few bugs on accident. So the dead is inside of me. This was also what happens when you get raped by a zombie.
A baby smiled and waved at me in Wal-Mart today. Which means that he was the only person that was happy to see me so far in the month of February. Further, in the year of 2020.
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