In life it's always good to be certain of what you are thankful for. Equally important is to realize what you don't much care for. This post is devoted to something that I would hate with all the unbridled rage of Hell's finest Cerberus dogs, if I could really hate something/someone. I'm talking about the useless, ego-maniacal owners of failing businesses. Not all failing businesses have ego-maniacal owners, but a lot of them do.
Now the position of ownership is mandatory. This I know. I also appreciate the gravity of having the livelihood of so many people rest in your very sweaty, trembling palms. The only problem is that too many business owners do not understand that gravity. While the rest of us are firmly grounded on the soil, they float around like a lackadaisical Superman in the clouds. If you know the type, then you also know that they do in fact think of themselves as super heroes. In these comics the super hero has all the power in the world to make things right but always decides to blame shift and do nothing. Too many owners are bumbling chuckle fucks who go around destroying lives with the fully liberated willy nilliness of the relapsed alcoholic at a two dollar shots night at the bar. Without the inevitable crushing depression and near death experiences.
Dear fuck face, Sole Proprietor of failing business. Why can't you just pick a direction and go with it? If you want an uppity snooty booty club then don't have a fucking taco night. If you want a taco night, then buy a taco bell. That's not prestigious enough for you? Well hire a fine dining chef and tell her to do what she does best but with Mexican food. Will your chef be able to pull this immense creative task off? Doesn't matter either way because you'll fire the gal for a typo in a hastily sent email anyway.
Don't take over a private club and introduce kids night if you don't have any kids in the membership. Oh you have a kids of your own and you'd like to build that into the business model? Well carry on then you selfish unmitigated asshole. Who cares about all the members who don't want to share space with a bunch of screaming brats? Sure they pay the membership fees that keep your doors open but don't worry too much about that. Just do you baby.
Don't try to convert your snobby club into a high volume public restaurant with mass appeal. Don't lower your membership fees. If your members wanted to hang with the icky grimy scoundrels from the lower classes then they would not have been paying exorbitant amounts of money to dine and drink separate from them in the first place. Proportional to the rest of the population only a few wrinkly old rich people really like golf, Eggs Benedict, and Transfusion cocktails that much. Although, from personal experience the transfusion is just so delicious. It should really be a cocktail with more mass appeal than it does. Vodka, grape juice and ginger ale as the only ingredients how could it not be good? But that's neither here nor there.
What is your first instinct when you decide to improve your business? If you're the kind of owners that I'm thinking of, it's to fire everyone that kept the business going in the first place. I realize it makes you feel like a super powerful badass to fling loyal employees into financial hardship but what about your actual profit margin? Have you somehow made so much money that you don't even need the business to make a profit anymore? So now you hang on to the business as your personal torture device for random people that come to work for you. I guess that makes sense if you've never heard of bdsm. You'd save money and get to actually fuck someone instead of just fucking careers.
Dear dumbass, why do you fire people as your moods dictate? To some extent, I can see how that could happen to any of us. We're only human and if we're honest, nothing is more important than saving face. For some people that is. For terrible owners, saving face is the only important thing. Terrible owners already consistently do not pay attention to what is going on in their business. So they have no clue which employees are important and which ones they would be heavily burdened by the axing thereof. So they face no dilemma whatsoever when deciding on a whim to fire long term, committed employees who have built their life around keeping the terrible owner's incompetence from destroying the business as a whole.
Best believe, if you are one of these employees that does the best that you can and never takes a day off and yada yada yada. It will not mean a thing to your terrible owner. When they run out of people to blame and eventually they will, you will go on the chopping block. Will the business fold without you? Most likely. Will you care a whole lot more about that than the well dressed knuckle dragger that fired you? Certainly. Your former boss will just declare that they did everything that could be done to avoid the most obvious impending collapse of the year and will find more people to blame. If anything, they'll say that they just never found a staff that was passionate enough to carry out their heavenly ambitions. Cocaine addled, alcoholic maniac owner, you deserve all of the failures that you get. For every one of you that loses everything to your own idiocy, there are fifteen more who just look on with arrogance and never change anything that they do.
I could say that I pity the owner that self destructs like a nuclear reactor that just had a nuke dropped on it. You mistake yourself for being the elite in society when really you are the great butts of every joke that your employees and friends tell. Most of you just inherited your wealth or earned it at a time in your life when you had a shred of humility. Nowadays humility and responsibility are as far from your mind as I am from having the money that you currently have left. I do mean to say have left, because you will blow it all. If you don't then your rotten kids will. Unlike you, your kids did not spoil themselves. Imagine that, “I've finally made it to the highest tax bracket. I'm worth more than most anyone. What will I do now? How about I systematically destroy my health and the businesses that helped me to get here. Seems like a fun way to celebrate.”
Or for the ones that just inherited the wealth, “Now I've sat in on a few of these boring ass company meetings that my dad used to go to all the time. The only thing that I've learned from them is that the gibberish of the common worker is completely incomprehensible to someone like me. I am not concerned about this state of affairs as I am fairly certain that leadership is hereditary. Never mind that there is none of what my staff call “evidence” to support my beliefs about leadership. Effective ownership is more about the thoughts that you have. My thoughts are that I am the superior to everyone and pretty much everything. So I have nothing to worry about, I'm sure I'll catch on in no time.”
All in all, keep doing what you're doing incompetent owners. The ones that are actually cut out for ownership will work their way to the top and will buy out your ruined business in order to turn it into to something amazing. Or at the very least, to put it out of it's misery. In the meantime, all of us expendable common folk will laugh our asses off at your never ending lists of unattainable goals, your ridiculous mandates that read like the ten commandments, and your sad little state of self immolation. Will we throw gasoline on your one person bonfire of hubris? Yes. A resounding yes that should be trumpeted from every majestic mountain top on Earth.
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