One thing you'll have to come to terms with when it comes to FREE MONEY is that obtaining money for free is a crime called theft. It's a sad thing to be honest, I'd love to show you where the free money grows. This way we could all roll it up and smoke it because it would be worthless at that point. Money is something you're paid in exchange for your professional skills and application thereof over a period of time. I just made that up based on what I think it is and I'm not going to Google it to make sure that I'm not stealing it. I mean, come on who really gives a fuck if two people have to same general definition of what payment is?
One thing to think about when it comes to payment is how fucking useless some skill sets are that people get paid for. If the best I could do was working the drive-thru at Wendy's then you better believe that I would be a rent-a-friend on the side. I might still become a rent-a-friend anyway. I'd make my personality so irresistible that everyone in town would hire me to hang out and let me walk their dogs and all kinds of shit. This is how you get money, and it's not free. Payment is something that is earned and that's pretty much all there is to it. More observant readers will note that there is more to this post and I assure you, it's well worth it to keep on reading.
Theft is a bit of a bitch move. Okay it's a huge bitch move because it shows that you aren't willing to work. How about we call this "Aimless bum can't hit the shitter." That might imply a sentient, separate entity from the human just walking around trying to find the toilet. Poop jokes really aren't my thing. How about "Unemployed man relapsed in his couch addiction." This one is because some people will make any excuse for why they won't get the fuck up and go back to work in order to earn some pay.
Sometimes people won't work because there isn't any work available to them. In those moments, you double your efforts in looking for work or start your freelancing career. Let's call it "Ambitious free-lancer will impale anyone." Now I'm imagining the same bum from earlier, not the sentient butt monstrosity but the guy addicted to the couch. He's went to the trouble of putting on a knight helmet and some sweat pants and goes around attacking people with a lance. What a fucking loon. Now imagine if it's all the same entity, butt monstrosity knight helmet and lance. This is perfect for my B-movie thriller that I have to write sometime before I die.
Now maybe you're furious that I click-baited you with this title, but I'm saving your life here. You don't want to go to jail my friend. If you're the kind of person that is willing to commit a crime to get your money for free but your only means for figuring that plan out is to look online, then you're in need of some assistance, one way or another. Thankfully, this isn't the dark web. Which means that obviously I'd be trolling you and not actually outlining how to steal.
You might sometimes get free money as a gift from your family or significant other. Maybe they can't think of what to get you on some gift giving occasion and they opt for money. This is the only circumstance in which money is free. Stealing, which is what the title of this post and the intent behind searching something like this is not free. You have to invest tons of time into planning the theft so that nobody ever finds out. The only thing is, somebody totally will find out. They always do, every time.
Committing a theft wastes your time and energy that could have gone into the building of something special in your own life. Deciding to opt for free money is an opportunity cost that you cannot afford. It's a cost that nobody can afford and one that the prison system wants to charge people for as much as possible.
So here's the kicker, sometimes you can legally get free money. This comes in the form of grants for all kinds of things online. This is an American thing so I don't know about the rest of the world but if you're American you might qualify. The website where you'll apply is something I'll leave to you to find out. I already saved your life earlier, I mean come on, how much greater can content be after something like that? You can also get free money from fafsa if you're going to college. This is only if you qualify for financial aid which has to do with your taxes and your parent's taxes and a bunch of other shit.
Now we've come to the segment of the show/blog post where I get a bit philosophical. I'm well aware that nobody gives a shit about what a community college drop out thinks about philosophy which is why I'm going to keep going anyway. When you take money that is given out for free, like grants and fafsa and all that shit, it's the government's money right? So who cares, fuck the government am I right? Wrong. The government has our money. We pay them to do nothing basically. Your hard working parents, family and friends have made it so that the government can contribute the grants and "free money" for kids in college.
What I'm getting at is that the money isn't free. Take it seriously because it's supposed to improve your life by helping you get an education. Unfortunately, I didn't do that when I was in college. I wish I would have understood back then how hard you have to work to make it and how much a good education can change someone's life. But I didn't understand because I didn't have the experience. If you're as young now as I was then, then you probably won't either and this post won't do anything to change that. But at least you kind of got your answer to How to get FREE MONEY. Thanks for reading and I'll see you on the next one, Cheers!
Showing posts with label The Answers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Answers. Show all posts
The Answers: What Does Amos Mean?
I'm going to tell you what Amos means, just as soon as I can determine what the heck your question is really referring to. Amos as a name is a guy from the bible. He had prophecies and he lived near Jerusalem. If you gave me a random, multiple choice test on all characters from the Bible where I would be guessing, and rest assured, they would be total guesses. What the profession of each character in the Bible was, I would guess every single time that the guy was either a fisherman or a shepherd. I'd be totally sunk if shepherd and fisherman were both options in the question. But this dude was a shepherd.
This seems like the kind of question that someone asks Google by accident though. I mean, how many people think Amos means something besides it being a name? Isn't it always capitalized? Amos also got his own book in the Bible, forgot to mention that earlier. The name in Hebrew means burden. This means that most of the people that I've worked with over the last few years should have been named Amos, male and female. Maybe they could have been name Amosina or something like that, I don't know.
So far, I've only found information linking the name Amos to the Bible and to Hebrew translation type stuff. I'm starting to believe that this really is the only thing that this can mean. People really are out there wanting to know more about Amos and I've mistakenly predicted that there could be more than meets the eye to this question. But, I'm going to keep looking for more stuff anyway because that's the Comedy Apprentice way baby.
I always feel the need to be more silly, so I searched for "Famous Amos" and what do you know, something came up. Always makes me so happy when I can find something on the internet quickly. This is because I grew up in the days of dial up. This was a time where you had to plan your searches to be something critical that you must know for the completion of homework or something stupid that your parents wanted you to look up for them. Operating the computer and fixing the VCR where pretty much my part-time jobs from ages 9-12.
Anyway, this horrendous article came up on Wikipedia for Famous Amos cookies. I say horrendous because there are three citations on here about all the things the article lacks. I don't actually know if that's common or not, this might have been the first time I've ever noticed the needed citations thing. I'm not big on details unless it really, really matters. I love the font that they used for Famous Amos.
Says here that the guy who founded the company did so with money borrowed from Marvin Gaye and Helen Reddy. 25k in cold hard cash for this cookie company. It doesn't say anywhere on there that it was given in cash but I hope it was. The reason why he knew those big celebs is because he was a talent agent. He loved to bake cookies and send them out to possible clients in order to entice them into doing business. Nowadays, you'd have to run the cookies through a severe high level chemical testing trial before consuming them.
Apparently, Wally Amos as he was called loved baking cookies so much that he decided to start this company. His friends told him he should and he didn't seem to want to do the talent agent thing anymore so he borrowed the money and the whole thing took off. As with most depressing business tales, eventually it slowed down and ended up changing hands a bunch. Kellogg owned it for a while but now the guys who make Nutella own it. But at least it still exists. So, long live anybody named Amos, Amosina and the Famous Amos brand. I had no clue how to end this post so there ya go.
This seems like the kind of question that someone asks Google by accident though. I mean, how many people think Amos means something besides it being a name? Isn't it always capitalized? Amos also got his own book in the Bible, forgot to mention that earlier. The name in Hebrew means burden. This means that most of the people that I've worked with over the last few years should have been named Amos, male and female. Maybe they could have been name Amosina or something like that, I don't know.
So far, I've only found information linking the name Amos to the Bible and to Hebrew translation type stuff. I'm starting to believe that this really is the only thing that this can mean. People really are out there wanting to know more about Amos and I've mistakenly predicted that there could be more than meets the eye to this question. But, I'm going to keep looking for more stuff anyway because that's the Comedy Apprentice way baby.
I always feel the need to be more silly, so I searched for "Famous Amos" and what do you know, something came up. Always makes me so happy when I can find something on the internet quickly. This is because I grew up in the days of dial up. This was a time where you had to plan your searches to be something critical that you must know for the completion of homework or something stupid that your parents wanted you to look up for them. Operating the computer and fixing the VCR where pretty much my part-time jobs from ages 9-12.
Anyway, this horrendous article came up on Wikipedia for Famous Amos cookies. I say horrendous because there are three citations on here about all the things the article lacks. I don't actually know if that's common or not, this might have been the first time I've ever noticed the needed citations thing. I'm not big on details unless it really, really matters. I love the font that they used for Famous Amos.
Says here that the guy who founded the company did so with money borrowed from Marvin Gaye and Helen Reddy. 25k in cold hard cash for this cookie company. It doesn't say anywhere on there that it was given in cash but I hope it was. The reason why he knew those big celebs is because he was a talent agent. He loved to bake cookies and send them out to possible clients in order to entice them into doing business. Nowadays, you'd have to run the cookies through a severe high level chemical testing trial before consuming them.
Apparently, Wally Amos as he was called loved baking cookies so much that he decided to start this company. His friends told him he should and he didn't seem to want to do the talent agent thing anymore so he borrowed the money and the whole thing took off. As with most depressing business tales, eventually it slowed down and ended up changing hands a bunch. Kellogg owned it for a while but now the guys who make Nutella own it. But at least it still exists. So, long live anybody named Amos, Amosina and the Famous Amos brand. I had no clue how to end this post so there ya go.
The Answers: What do I do to be Saved?
Before anyone asks, angrily emails me or yells at me in the street, no, my giving the answer to the question "What do I do to be Saved?" is not a joke. I am a Christian and I have love for all people as I'm supposed to. So, if you're of a different belief system than me then please do not be offended by this post. I'm merely trying to help out where there are people in need. According to my beliefs, I should do something like this in love, and I have. Whatever your beliefs, you are welcome on Comedy Apprentice and I hope you'll stick around to get laughs from my future jokes.
This is not my normal kind of subject matter or content. But I saw it in my keyword research for questions that people need answers to. I felt compelled deep down in my heart to write this post. The whole point of this series is to give real answers with jokes or give fake answers to silly/ridiculous things. As I said before, that's not what this is. There is nothing more important to me than my own salvation. I've been saved since I was 7 years old and though I've strayed many times and many ways, I still remember what you'll need to do. Here is my answer to "What do I do to be saved?".
Most people go to church for a while without feeling anything. That's totally normal and not something that you should immediately be worried about. After you've been there for a while or even if you haven't ever been to church, you start to experience a feeling called "being under conviction". I phrase it like that because that's how I've always heard it described and that's what I felt when I was going through this process.
Being under conviction feels awful. It's comparable to depression but not quite because there is an underlying fear that you will burn in Hell for eternity with conviction. You're in the state of conviction because you have through some means learned of your own sin. You realize that you're a sinner and that something must change in order for you to live well again and for you to go to Heaven.
When you get to this point it can be helpful to approach people that you know are saved, or those that have talked about it and would in all likelihood love to help. But, the process of getting saved is something that you can complete without the help of anyone but you and God. Here's how it goes, you kneel down and pray. In your prayer you must admit that you're a sinner and that without forgiveness you will go to Hell. You then profess that you believe that Jesus died on the cross and rose again for our sins and you ask him to come into your heart.
This prayer may go on for some time before you feel relief. Or, it could be instantaneous. I've heard plenty of different people describe it plenty of different ways but the end is always the same. You feel a sensation of relief that you will never be able to out do. There is no greater peace that will ever be laid on your heart than the one that you will receive once your prayer is answered. You might cry, you might laugh, you might cry while you're laughing. In the end, you'll be so thankful for your salvation that you won't know what to do with yourself.
Now you've come to the final step in the "What do I do to be saved?" equation. You go out and confess to the world what has happened to you. You tell everyone in your church family if you have one and you tell your friends and loved ones. By completing this process you've effectively allowed God to be the leader of your life and existence. Everything that happens after this moment will be challenging, rewarding all sorts of the things that make life into living. But you will always know in your heart of hearts where you will go when you die. Nothing is better than that. :)
This is not my normal kind of subject matter or content. But I saw it in my keyword research for questions that people need answers to. I felt compelled deep down in my heart to write this post. The whole point of this series is to give real answers with jokes or give fake answers to silly/ridiculous things. As I said before, that's not what this is. There is nothing more important to me than my own salvation. I've been saved since I was 7 years old and though I've strayed many times and many ways, I still remember what you'll need to do. Here is my answer to "What do I do to be saved?".
Most people go to church for a while without feeling anything. That's totally normal and not something that you should immediately be worried about. After you've been there for a while or even if you haven't ever been to church, you start to experience a feeling called "being under conviction". I phrase it like that because that's how I've always heard it described and that's what I felt when I was going through this process.
Being under conviction feels awful. It's comparable to depression but not quite because there is an underlying fear that you will burn in Hell for eternity with conviction. You're in the state of conviction because you have through some means learned of your own sin. You realize that you're a sinner and that something must change in order for you to live well again and for you to go to Heaven.
When you get to this point it can be helpful to approach people that you know are saved, or those that have talked about it and would in all likelihood love to help. But, the process of getting saved is something that you can complete without the help of anyone but you and God. Here's how it goes, you kneel down and pray. In your prayer you must admit that you're a sinner and that without forgiveness you will go to Hell. You then profess that you believe that Jesus died on the cross and rose again for our sins and you ask him to come into your heart.
This prayer may go on for some time before you feel relief. Or, it could be instantaneous. I've heard plenty of different people describe it plenty of different ways but the end is always the same. You feel a sensation of relief that you will never be able to out do. There is no greater peace that will ever be laid on your heart than the one that you will receive once your prayer is answered. You might cry, you might laugh, you might cry while you're laughing. In the end, you'll be so thankful for your salvation that you won't know what to do with yourself.
Now you've come to the final step in the "What do I do to be saved?" equation. You go out and confess to the world what has happened to you. You tell everyone in your church family if you have one and you tell your friends and loved ones. By completing this process you've effectively allowed God to be the leader of your life and existence. Everything that happens after this moment will be challenging, rewarding all sorts of the things that make life into living. But you will always know in your heart of hearts where you will go when you die. Nothing is better than that. :)
The Answers: What Does it Mean When You Dream About Bears?
Fairly recently, sometime in mid-February I believe, I had a dream that involved bears. I'll retell it here for the entertainment of the audience. It's not rollickingly funny, but I do think you'll get some amusement out of it by imagining me so scared that I'm nearly shitting my pants through the entire thing. Because that's how I was in the dream even if the tone of the dream wasn't super threatening and scary. In fact, the tone was relatively light-hearted and I was the only one scared.
I'm asleep in my bed at my parent's place. It's the home that I grew up in, in the bed that I slept in for the majority of the time that I lived there. I feel something fury nudging and prodding at me as I sleep. I swat at it over my shoulder thinking all the while that somebody in the family is just fucking with me using a dust buster or something. I get a more forceful nudge in return for my swipe. It's now that I pull the covers back and look into the eyes of a giant black bear that is looming over me. He has both paws on the bed but somehow his weight isn't sagging the bed.
I leap out of bed and start screaming and freaking out but nobody in the house seems to care. I grab my brother's gun and fire several blasts into the bear's face. He doesn't seem fazed or harmed by the attack but decides to just leave the house anyway. He exits out of my bedroom window, which is for some reason wide open. I thought in the dream that he must have been such a smart bear that he knew how to open a window and exploit it's security faults. A very silly concept now that I'm fully awake.
I remember the dream in full because I always put a summary of the dreams that I find to be worth remembering in my phone as soon as I wake up. This way I never forget them and can reference them for posts like this or for interesting conversation with people who do the same thing. I'd recommend it to everyone, recording your dreams that is. I'd have to say that some of the best moments of my life have come while I was asleep. Dreams of experiences that I cannot, nor will not ever have. I'll write more about these experiences in the future. So, if you really like the dreams posts then look forward to some more of them.
Back to the bear dream. I watched the bear that I shot mozy through our front yard until he met up with his numerous cubs and his lady. The mom and the dad bears just laid down in the front yard under the shade while the 5-7 cubs ran around the yard wrestling and playing. I was still panicked from the earlier experience. At this point I'm afraid that the bears will never leave and that we will never be able to leave either. That's so silly! I love it. I don't know why dream me wasn't considering calling the forest cops or whatever they are. The people who arrest bears and then release them in the woods after writing them a ticket or some shit. I can't tell you about that life because I don't know anything about it.
As is just so happens, in the dream my family all got up and got ready for Sunday morning church. I was astounded that they were not worried about the bears. They all got dressed and got in the family car and took off. Before they left, my mother reminded me of some things that I could eat in the fridge if I got hungry before church let out. They just drove around the bears and went to church as if nothing had happened. I didn't tell them that the dad bear was an expert infiltrator and that he had an immunity to bullets.
Eventually, church friends, extended family and neighbors of ours drove around our yard looking at and taking pictures of the bear family. I was yelling at them from the house to be careful and to not get out of their cars but they did anyway. They laughed and carried on and had a great time filming and taking pictures of the bears. They were talking about us never having the bears removed. As long as they aren't hurting anything, why have them moved? I was very anxious and upset in the dream about the nonchalance that everyone showed towards the bears. I was also doubtful that the supernatural bears could be removed from the yard even if we did call someone to do the job.
When I woke up from the dream I recorded it as quickly as I could and laughed at the experience. Once I was awake, I thought the whole thing was pretty funny. At this point, I'm going to do some quick internet research on the topic of bears in dreams and then I'll come back with what I've learned in the following paragraphs. This way, we can know once and for all just what it means when you dream about bears.
Bears are mighty leaders, protective parents and wondering happy hobo rulers of the forest. Having a bear in your dream can mean that you are needing a guide. Maybe your life is too stressful and you need the kind and calm assurance of a bear to lead you out of it. Whether the bear is doing something or sleeping can be a sign that you are pursuing a life goal or resting from it. I think the sleep could be more along the lines of you aren't working on the goal when perhaps you should be. But I suppose it could also be a reminder that you should rest on your way to your goal. In my dream, maybe the bear was waking me up so that I could get back to work on being a better comedian. I write everyday, but maybe I was oversleeping and the bear wanted me to cut that out.
I've also read where it says that having a bear in your dream could be a sign that you are ready to develop into the person that you are supposed to be. Like, having the bear in my dream might be a sign that I'm going to become a great comic over the next few years. I'm not going to bet the house on that one but I will keep working hard so that if it does happen I'll be able to thank the bear.
If the bear is raging in the dream then it means that I'm probably raging in real life and have some personal shit that I need to get sorted. If the bear is asleep then it means that I need to rest and recover. But, my bear woke me up and scared the shit out of me. He was extremely peaceful though, which could mean that I'm prepared and skilled at what I do. There won't be too many situations that I'll encounter that will fuck me up. I hope that's the implication of my dream because I'd love to not get fucked up by unexpected circumstances ever again. Even though doing so is just a part of being alive.
Well, so far I've read several interpretations of violence towards a bear and a bear against you but there aren't any about invincible bears. Fear not about the information that I skip in my "research" I'll be linking to all my sources at the bottom of this post. This way anyone that wants to learn more about a bear in your dream will be able to tread the same mountain path that I took through the internet.
One interpretation of seeing a peaceful bear in your dream is that you are independent and you might see some success in your financial future. Well, that would be awesome. I am pretty damn independent. Encountering a black bear is apparently not that great. If I failed to mention earlier, yes all the bears in my dream were black bears. Seeing a black bear in your dream could mean that you will encounter a terrible situation where you must not run away, but instead hunker down and fight for yourself. To tell you the truth, I do typically hunker down and stick with it in bad situations. I'm not sure if it's wise to do so or not. I do love the challenge of it and what little I've read of Stoic philosophy tells you to just weather the storm and take each day and each moment as one more step that you must take. So, I guess that's what I'll do if I get rich soon, or if I end up in a bad situation soon. Maybe getting rich will be the bad situation!
Apparently, the wealth and prosperity bear dream is only if you see the bear and never interact with him. Mine woke me up and then I shot him in his invincible face. My bear and all the other bears in the dream for that matter were all peaceful. According to another source that means that I'm independent and I can handle myself. I agree with that part of it. I've gone a long way to establish my independence. It might be the most important part of growing up. Do we ever really know someone until they've been on their own? Know the real person deep down in them. Being on your own brings that part out of you and finishes you in a sense. Although I ascribe to the thought that were never finished until were dead. So, if you're on the older side then keep on dreaming and changing, you've surely still got some time left on the clock.
One funny interpretation of the bear dream is that if the bear is in your house then you must have a dominating female presence in your life. I'll just pass that compliment on to my girlfr-...oh yes, there is no woman in my life. Well, I'm not sad about that as much as it's funny to pretend like I am. I have seen what the best women are like and now I know what to hold out for and what to insist on having in my life. I don't know if I believe that I'll ever have a woman like that as my own but I don't really care either. Being a great comic is the sole reason why I breathe. If it pisses you off that I wrote that as though I will own the woman than here is my concession that she will own me too. But you're still a pussy for getting heated about my wording. We all belong to the people we love and to things that we love doing.
Seeing a bear dancing is supposed to indicate that I will need to defend my opinions and beliefs at some point. I hope that I never dream of a dancing bear because the image that my mind has conjured right now is that of the clown from IT dancing when the girl finds him underground I think? It's been a while since I watched that movie but the freaky fucking dancing has stayed with me. So a giant bear dancing like the clown from IT, that's what my brain put together as soon as I read the entry about dancing bears. I'm not sure if that means that I'm a sick fuck or if my brain is fucking sick duuuuude. (GNARLY DUDE).
I learned in therapy that you can interpret your own dreams by assigning values and defining symbols that you find important in the dream. I think it'll be interesting to do that with this dream and then I'll summarize what I've covered in this bear dream, big ass post. In real life, I have experienced devastating bouts of insomnia. Devastating here refers to the stress and pain that it put on my mind and body. I know I've surely mentioned this before, but one of the worst weeks of my life I worked over 60 hours behind the bar and only slept 8 hrs total the entire 7 day period. I only slept 4-5 hours a night for some time after that week was over.
So it's safe to say that I am anxious about not getting sleep. I don't care what people say about sleeping too much, I need my sleep dammit. Having the bear wake me up and scare the shit out of me may have been a way of demonstrating how afraid I am of facing the world when I haven't slept. When I have one of those awesome 2 hour nap nights before a 12 hour work day I am afraid. Afraid that I'll suck at my job and that I'll fuck things up. Afraid that I might fall asleep at the wheel and kill someone or myself in the process. During the periods when I haven't been able to sleep I've experienced hallucinations too. Disturbing shit that's much worse to look at than a family of invincible bears. There are plenty of reasons why I would be afraid of being woken up too soon and not getting enough sleep.
I soon discover in the dream, that not even the most powerful weapon at my disposal can conquer the bear, which is life without proper sleep. The gun could be a symbol for the medications that I take in order to get me to sleep and keep me at a functioning human level of emotion each day. The meds I take are for serotonin levels and sleep. I think it's fair to say that the gun could be my meds. The bear rejoining the family in the yard could symbolize the distance between me and my struggles with facing the world with the unmistakable blood shot eyes and ruffled hair of a person who didn't get any zzz.
The bear rejoins the happy family and leaves me alone because I've conquered that part of me. I take my meds, get my sleep, work my job and write my jokes. I'm doing good, so that's what the bear was telling me. It's good that I'm doing good. Maybe you folks out there in the internet have a different take on this dream. Maybe you found this to be funny, informative or a meandering mix of useless shit. I think if you try hard enough, you could make that the definition of most everything that I write. But I have a great time doing it all the same. ;)
We learned that if you only see a bear in your dream, you're gonna get rich. We learned that black bears might mean you should metaphorically and perhaps literally clinch your asshole for whats coming next. We learned that sometimes having a bear in your dream can mean that you're independent, which is great. I got the chance to practice a valuable skill that I learned in therapy. Hopefully, the way that I did it will help some of you if you need such a thing. I didn't assign values to the end of the dream because I didn't feel compelled to. That's also a part of the skill. If it's not important to you, then you don't need it.
This was a lot of fun to write and I hope you all enjoy it as much as I have. The list of links I used is below. Thanks for reading and I'll see you on the next one, cheers!
Links:
https://dreamingandsleeping.com/dreams-about-bears-interpretation-and-meaning/
https://mydreamsymbolism.com/dreams-about-bears-meaning-and-interpretation/
https://www.healtholino.com/dreams-about-bears-interpretation-and-meaning/
I'm asleep in my bed at my parent's place. It's the home that I grew up in, in the bed that I slept in for the majority of the time that I lived there. I feel something fury nudging and prodding at me as I sleep. I swat at it over my shoulder thinking all the while that somebody in the family is just fucking with me using a dust buster or something. I get a more forceful nudge in return for my swipe. It's now that I pull the covers back and look into the eyes of a giant black bear that is looming over me. He has both paws on the bed but somehow his weight isn't sagging the bed.
I leap out of bed and start screaming and freaking out but nobody in the house seems to care. I grab my brother's gun and fire several blasts into the bear's face. He doesn't seem fazed or harmed by the attack but decides to just leave the house anyway. He exits out of my bedroom window, which is for some reason wide open. I thought in the dream that he must have been such a smart bear that he knew how to open a window and exploit it's security faults. A very silly concept now that I'm fully awake.
I remember the dream in full because I always put a summary of the dreams that I find to be worth remembering in my phone as soon as I wake up. This way I never forget them and can reference them for posts like this or for interesting conversation with people who do the same thing. I'd recommend it to everyone, recording your dreams that is. I'd have to say that some of the best moments of my life have come while I was asleep. Dreams of experiences that I cannot, nor will not ever have. I'll write more about these experiences in the future. So, if you really like the dreams posts then look forward to some more of them.
Back to the bear dream. I watched the bear that I shot mozy through our front yard until he met up with his numerous cubs and his lady. The mom and the dad bears just laid down in the front yard under the shade while the 5-7 cubs ran around the yard wrestling and playing. I was still panicked from the earlier experience. At this point I'm afraid that the bears will never leave and that we will never be able to leave either. That's so silly! I love it. I don't know why dream me wasn't considering calling the forest cops or whatever they are. The people who arrest bears and then release them in the woods after writing them a ticket or some shit. I can't tell you about that life because I don't know anything about it.
As is just so happens, in the dream my family all got up and got ready for Sunday morning church. I was astounded that they were not worried about the bears. They all got dressed and got in the family car and took off. Before they left, my mother reminded me of some things that I could eat in the fridge if I got hungry before church let out. They just drove around the bears and went to church as if nothing had happened. I didn't tell them that the dad bear was an expert infiltrator and that he had an immunity to bullets.
Eventually, church friends, extended family and neighbors of ours drove around our yard looking at and taking pictures of the bear family. I was yelling at them from the house to be careful and to not get out of their cars but they did anyway. They laughed and carried on and had a great time filming and taking pictures of the bears. They were talking about us never having the bears removed. As long as they aren't hurting anything, why have them moved? I was very anxious and upset in the dream about the nonchalance that everyone showed towards the bears. I was also doubtful that the supernatural bears could be removed from the yard even if we did call someone to do the job.
When I woke up from the dream I recorded it as quickly as I could and laughed at the experience. Once I was awake, I thought the whole thing was pretty funny. At this point, I'm going to do some quick internet research on the topic of bears in dreams and then I'll come back with what I've learned in the following paragraphs. This way, we can know once and for all just what it means when you dream about bears.
Bears are mighty leaders, protective parents and wondering happy hobo rulers of the forest. Having a bear in your dream can mean that you are needing a guide. Maybe your life is too stressful and you need the kind and calm assurance of a bear to lead you out of it. Whether the bear is doing something or sleeping can be a sign that you are pursuing a life goal or resting from it. I think the sleep could be more along the lines of you aren't working on the goal when perhaps you should be. But I suppose it could also be a reminder that you should rest on your way to your goal. In my dream, maybe the bear was waking me up so that I could get back to work on being a better comedian. I write everyday, but maybe I was oversleeping and the bear wanted me to cut that out.
I've also read where it says that having a bear in your dream could be a sign that you are ready to develop into the person that you are supposed to be. Like, having the bear in my dream might be a sign that I'm going to become a great comic over the next few years. I'm not going to bet the house on that one but I will keep working hard so that if it does happen I'll be able to thank the bear.
If the bear is raging in the dream then it means that I'm probably raging in real life and have some personal shit that I need to get sorted. If the bear is asleep then it means that I need to rest and recover. But, my bear woke me up and scared the shit out of me. He was extremely peaceful though, which could mean that I'm prepared and skilled at what I do. There won't be too many situations that I'll encounter that will fuck me up. I hope that's the implication of my dream because I'd love to not get fucked up by unexpected circumstances ever again. Even though doing so is just a part of being alive.
Well, so far I've read several interpretations of violence towards a bear and a bear against you but there aren't any about invincible bears. Fear not about the information that I skip in my "research" I'll be linking to all my sources at the bottom of this post. This way anyone that wants to learn more about a bear in your dream will be able to tread the same mountain path that I took through the internet.
One interpretation of seeing a peaceful bear in your dream is that you are independent and you might see some success in your financial future. Well, that would be awesome. I am pretty damn independent. Encountering a black bear is apparently not that great. If I failed to mention earlier, yes all the bears in my dream were black bears. Seeing a black bear in your dream could mean that you will encounter a terrible situation where you must not run away, but instead hunker down and fight for yourself. To tell you the truth, I do typically hunker down and stick with it in bad situations. I'm not sure if it's wise to do so or not. I do love the challenge of it and what little I've read of Stoic philosophy tells you to just weather the storm and take each day and each moment as one more step that you must take. So, I guess that's what I'll do if I get rich soon, or if I end up in a bad situation soon. Maybe getting rich will be the bad situation!
Apparently, the wealth and prosperity bear dream is only if you see the bear and never interact with him. Mine woke me up and then I shot him in his invincible face. My bear and all the other bears in the dream for that matter were all peaceful. According to another source that means that I'm independent and I can handle myself. I agree with that part of it. I've gone a long way to establish my independence. It might be the most important part of growing up. Do we ever really know someone until they've been on their own? Know the real person deep down in them. Being on your own brings that part out of you and finishes you in a sense. Although I ascribe to the thought that were never finished until were dead. So, if you're on the older side then keep on dreaming and changing, you've surely still got some time left on the clock.
One funny interpretation of the bear dream is that if the bear is in your house then you must have a dominating female presence in your life. I'll just pass that compliment on to my girlfr-...oh yes, there is no woman in my life. Well, I'm not sad about that as much as it's funny to pretend like I am. I have seen what the best women are like and now I know what to hold out for and what to insist on having in my life. I don't know if I believe that I'll ever have a woman like that as my own but I don't really care either. Being a great comic is the sole reason why I breathe. If it pisses you off that I wrote that as though I will own the woman than here is my concession that she will own me too. But you're still a pussy for getting heated about my wording. We all belong to the people we love and to things that we love doing.
Seeing a bear dancing is supposed to indicate that I will need to defend my opinions and beliefs at some point. I hope that I never dream of a dancing bear because the image that my mind has conjured right now is that of the clown from IT dancing when the girl finds him underground I think? It's been a while since I watched that movie but the freaky fucking dancing has stayed with me. So a giant bear dancing like the clown from IT, that's what my brain put together as soon as I read the entry about dancing bears. I'm not sure if that means that I'm a sick fuck or if my brain is fucking sick duuuuude. (GNARLY DUDE).
I learned in therapy that you can interpret your own dreams by assigning values and defining symbols that you find important in the dream. I think it'll be interesting to do that with this dream and then I'll summarize what I've covered in this bear dream, big ass post. In real life, I have experienced devastating bouts of insomnia. Devastating here refers to the stress and pain that it put on my mind and body. I know I've surely mentioned this before, but one of the worst weeks of my life I worked over 60 hours behind the bar and only slept 8 hrs total the entire 7 day period. I only slept 4-5 hours a night for some time after that week was over.
So it's safe to say that I am anxious about not getting sleep. I don't care what people say about sleeping too much, I need my sleep dammit. Having the bear wake me up and scare the shit out of me may have been a way of demonstrating how afraid I am of facing the world when I haven't slept. When I have one of those awesome 2 hour nap nights before a 12 hour work day I am afraid. Afraid that I'll suck at my job and that I'll fuck things up. Afraid that I might fall asleep at the wheel and kill someone or myself in the process. During the periods when I haven't been able to sleep I've experienced hallucinations too. Disturbing shit that's much worse to look at than a family of invincible bears. There are plenty of reasons why I would be afraid of being woken up too soon and not getting enough sleep.
I soon discover in the dream, that not even the most powerful weapon at my disposal can conquer the bear, which is life without proper sleep. The gun could be a symbol for the medications that I take in order to get me to sleep and keep me at a functioning human level of emotion each day. The meds I take are for serotonin levels and sleep. I think it's fair to say that the gun could be my meds. The bear rejoining the family in the yard could symbolize the distance between me and my struggles with facing the world with the unmistakable blood shot eyes and ruffled hair of a person who didn't get any zzz.
The bear rejoins the happy family and leaves me alone because I've conquered that part of me. I take my meds, get my sleep, work my job and write my jokes. I'm doing good, so that's what the bear was telling me. It's good that I'm doing good. Maybe you folks out there in the internet have a different take on this dream. Maybe you found this to be funny, informative or a meandering mix of useless shit. I think if you try hard enough, you could make that the definition of most everything that I write. But I have a great time doing it all the same. ;)
We learned that if you only see a bear in your dream, you're gonna get rich. We learned that black bears might mean you should metaphorically and perhaps literally clinch your asshole for whats coming next. We learned that sometimes having a bear in your dream can mean that you're independent, which is great. I got the chance to practice a valuable skill that I learned in therapy. Hopefully, the way that I did it will help some of you if you need such a thing. I didn't assign values to the end of the dream because I didn't feel compelled to. That's also a part of the skill. If it's not important to you, then you don't need it.
This was a lot of fun to write and I hope you all enjoy it as much as I have. The list of links I used is below. Thanks for reading and I'll see you on the next one, cheers!
Links:
https://dreamingandsleeping.com/dreams-about-bears-interpretation-and-meaning/
https://mydreamsymbolism.com/dreams-about-bears-meaning-and-interpretation/
https://www.healtholino.com/dreams-about-bears-interpretation-and-meaning/
The Answers: How to get a Boyfriend
Believe you me, as a man, I've never been asked this question. Nobody and I mean nobody has ever called out in public "Yonder bald headed, bearded fat man, how do I get a boyfriend?". Just because it hasn't happened yet, doesn't mean that I'm not fully prepared to contribute some life changing advice for how to get a boyfriend. I might also mention that I'm not gay, so I don't have experience in the getting of a boyfriend. But I do have experience in being the boyfriend that was got. For me, that's more than enough expertise to justify making this post.
Be available. This could mean, don't already have a boyfriend in the first place. If I were answering that question, this post would be titled: "How to get a bit on the side." I'm saying don't make yourself too scarce. You should be in public enough that people can get to know you. It's hard to fall for someone that you aren't sure really exists. Unless you're on that show Catfished on MTV. My sister introduced me to that show a while back. I might have referenced that pivotal moment in my personal history before but I'm referencing it again because just like your grandpa, I love repeating myself.
Don't be judgmental. By today's moral standards, merely being a minority or woman is enough of a moral pass to allow you to go around judging everyone. Well, that's a bunch of bullshit and if you want a real man then you won't believe that. If you find a man that says he believes in that shit then you can expect to take a few drunken right hooks from him a couple years down the road. He lives the way he does because he's ashamed of himself before even doing anything wrong. He acts like he is responsible for all the bad things that have happened in the past. In order for all those things to add up in his head, he has to blast you in the face ever so often. Just so his world makes sense. This post is about "how to get a boyfriend, isn't it?" You might ask. Well yes, but it's a complex issue, I need to cover all my bases.
Don't be a stupid cunt. Yeah, this pretty much has to do with the last paragraph. I'm repeating it here because it's vital for getting a good boyfriend. That's not in the title of this post, but why would you want a bad boyfriend? You want to eventually marry a good man right? Or at the very least have a long term dating relationship with a good man, right? That's if you object to marriage, and honestly I don't blame you if you do. It's a pretty hard sell, no matter what your beliefs are.
Don't be a huge ass whore. This doesn't have anything to do with the actual size of your ass. This has everything to do with how many guys you have sucked off while you pretended to care about education for down syndrome kids while you were in your undergrad studies. We all now knew that your passion was for sucking off frat guys and not for teaching the disabled. This is because you dropped out of your studies but continued sucking off frat guys. I wonder if you'd suck off a retarded frat guy? Hmmm... now that is a puzzler.
Be able to communicate with others. Be able to talk to everyone. Not just your clique, not just your family, not just the people you go to work/church with. Be able to converse. Don't be too scared to talk with strangers or people that you think look strange when you are with a group of friends that will look out for you. Which brings me to another point, always go out with a group. If a guy is too scared to approach you when you're with your friends then he might be a rapist. I don't know if there is any evidence to support that, but there is plenty of evidence that this particular topic makes it into my dark jokes all the time. If you only have the confidence to talk to women when they are alone, that to me seems like your goal is to make them into a victim.
Know what you're looking for in a man or be willing to experiment. This boils down to experience. Don't put out. There are, in some circles, a majority of men that only want to hang around until there is some poon being served up. After that, they bounce. But it's for the better for both people if they become romantic friends, lovers, then married or long term family unit type shit. If you're a guy and you're worried that in 20 years she'll bang the pool guy, then get a pre-nup. She'll work hard, you'll work hard and you'll never have to worry about handing over half of everything that you've earned.
Give it a while before you put out, but not forever. It takes me about 2-3 months of practice pretty much everyday in order to make something into a habit. If I want to do this new thing into the long term, then I'll need 2-3 months of doing it over and over in order to make it stick. I don't know if that's how long you need to wait to put out, but it couldn't hurt. I want to be in love and have that relationship that fulfills me. So I'm really turned off of girls that put out too easily. I've also had several STD scares which have made me paranoid. What I'm saying here is that if I were to go out with a chick now, and she didn't put out for 2-3 months of consistent dating, I would've have given up on the 3rd date.
My lack of willpower would be the reason for this and to the girl that doesn't want to put out that soon, congrats, you'll find a better man than me. One day, when I grow up and learn to control myself and not be such a freak when it comes to the old in-n-out, perhaps I'll be able to take my own advice and end up in love. Who knows? I'll need at least 2-3 months of practicing being a good person before that could realistically be achieved.
Don't be an alcoholic or a drug addict. If you are one of these two things then look forward to my next big The Answers project, How to Be a Whore. Bit of a spoiler alert, nobody really wants to be a whore, male or female. You just kind of end up there because of trauma, mental health, a dark past that had no dark jokes to alleviate some of the pain. You get the picture. So, if you're addicted to alcohol, which is a drug, then get help. If you're addicted to another less well branded and publicly available drug, then email me your experience with the drug and where I can get some. Then, get some help.
Don't be psychotically religious, that shit is scary. Being addicted to your religion makes you somehow less rational than the worst meth addict. They aren't physically capable of distinguishing the difference between what is real and what is not. But the psychotically religious person simply chooses, in perfect health mind you, to not distinguish between what is real and what is not. So, have your religion but don't quote entire passages from your book within the first hour that we know each other. That will creep me out and I'll certainly write you into one of my dark jokes.
Don't have a terribly traumatic backstory that you go out of your way to tell everyone. This might be that you used to be a drug/alcohol/religion addict until you read my post "How to get a Boyfriend." Yes, this very post. You went and got help and changed for the better and you've been in the clear ever since. Only thing, you can't go on more than one date with every guy that you meet. It's because you keep telling them about all the trauma that lead up to your life altering epiphany, that moment when you read "How to get a Boyfriend" by the Comedy Apprentice. (Oh yeah baby) Well, stop doing that. I'm glad, we're glad, the whole world is glad that you got your life together. But nobody wants to feel like they will be inheriting all that shit if they get with you. So, save it for the 1st month anniversary or whatever.
That's pretty much it, if you follow these steps, you will certainly learn how to get a boyfriend. I'm glad that I could be of service. Stay tuned to Comedy Apprentice for all my dark jokes, short jokes and my dark humor. All my jokes are short unless there is a good reason for making them long. So, there is that. And yeah, thanks for reading and I'll see you on the next one!
Be available. This could mean, don't already have a boyfriend in the first place. If I were answering that question, this post would be titled: "How to get a bit on the side." I'm saying don't make yourself too scarce. You should be in public enough that people can get to know you. It's hard to fall for someone that you aren't sure really exists. Unless you're on that show Catfished on MTV. My sister introduced me to that show a while back. I might have referenced that pivotal moment in my personal history before but I'm referencing it again because just like your grandpa, I love repeating myself.
Don't be judgmental. By today's moral standards, merely being a minority or woman is enough of a moral pass to allow you to go around judging everyone. Well, that's a bunch of bullshit and if you want a real man then you won't believe that. If you find a man that says he believes in that shit then you can expect to take a few drunken right hooks from him a couple years down the road. He lives the way he does because he's ashamed of himself before even doing anything wrong. He acts like he is responsible for all the bad things that have happened in the past. In order for all those things to add up in his head, he has to blast you in the face ever so often. Just so his world makes sense. This post is about "how to get a boyfriend, isn't it?" You might ask. Well yes, but it's a complex issue, I need to cover all my bases.
Don't be a stupid cunt. Yeah, this pretty much has to do with the last paragraph. I'm repeating it here because it's vital for getting a good boyfriend. That's not in the title of this post, but why would you want a bad boyfriend? You want to eventually marry a good man right? Or at the very least have a long term dating relationship with a good man, right? That's if you object to marriage, and honestly I don't blame you if you do. It's a pretty hard sell, no matter what your beliefs are.
Don't be a huge ass whore. This doesn't have anything to do with the actual size of your ass. This has everything to do with how many guys you have sucked off while you pretended to care about education for down syndrome kids while you were in your undergrad studies. We all now knew that your passion was for sucking off frat guys and not for teaching the disabled. This is because you dropped out of your studies but continued sucking off frat guys. I wonder if you'd suck off a retarded frat guy? Hmmm... now that is a puzzler.
Be able to communicate with others. Be able to talk to everyone. Not just your clique, not just your family, not just the people you go to work/church with. Be able to converse. Don't be too scared to talk with strangers or people that you think look strange when you are with a group of friends that will look out for you. Which brings me to another point, always go out with a group. If a guy is too scared to approach you when you're with your friends then he might be a rapist. I don't know if there is any evidence to support that, but there is plenty of evidence that this particular topic makes it into my dark jokes all the time. If you only have the confidence to talk to women when they are alone, that to me seems like your goal is to make them into a victim.
Know what you're looking for in a man or be willing to experiment. This boils down to experience. Don't put out. There are, in some circles, a majority of men that only want to hang around until there is some poon being served up. After that, they bounce. But it's for the better for both people if they become romantic friends, lovers, then married or long term family unit type shit. If you're a guy and you're worried that in 20 years she'll bang the pool guy, then get a pre-nup. She'll work hard, you'll work hard and you'll never have to worry about handing over half of everything that you've earned.
Give it a while before you put out, but not forever. It takes me about 2-3 months of practice pretty much everyday in order to make something into a habit. If I want to do this new thing into the long term, then I'll need 2-3 months of doing it over and over in order to make it stick. I don't know if that's how long you need to wait to put out, but it couldn't hurt. I want to be in love and have that relationship that fulfills me. So I'm really turned off of girls that put out too easily. I've also had several STD scares which have made me paranoid. What I'm saying here is that if I were to go out with a chick now, and she didn't put out for 2-3 months of consistent dating, I would've have given up on the 3rd date.
My lack of willpower would be the reason for this and to the girl that doesn't want to put out that soon, congrats, you'll find a better man than me. One day, when I grow up and learn to control myself and not be such a freak when it comes to the old in-n-out, perhaps I'll be able to take my own advice and end up in love. Who knows? I'll need at least 2-3 months of practicing being a good person before that could realistically be achieved.
Don't be an alcoholic or a drug addict. If you are one of these two things then look forward to my next big The Answers project, How to Be a Whore. Bit of a spoiler alert, nobody really wants to be a whore, male or female. You just kind of end up there because of trauma, mental health, a dark past that had no dark jokes to alleviate some of the pain. You get the picture. So, if you're addicted to alcohol, which is a drug, then get help. If you're addicted to another less well branded and publicly available drug, then email me your experience with the drug and where I can get some. Then, get some help.
Don't be psychotically religious, that shit is scary. Being addicted to your religion makes you somehow less rational than the worst meth addict. They aren't physically capable of distinguishing the difference between what is real and what is not. But the psychotically religious person simply chooses, in perfect health mind you, to not distinguish between what is real and what is not. So, have your religion but don't quote entire passages from your book within the first hour that we know each other. That will creep me out and I'll certainly write you into one of my dark jokes.
Don't have a terribly traumatic backstory that you go out of your way to tell everyone. This might be that you used to be a drug/alcohol/religion addict until you read my post "How to get a Boyfriend." Yes, this very post. You went and got help and changed for the better and you've been in the clear ever since. Only thing, you can't go on more than one date with every guy that you meet. It's because you keep telling them about all the trauma that lead up to your life altering epiphany, that moment when you read "How to get a Boyfriend" by the Comedy Apprentice. (Oh yeah baby) Well, stop doing that. I'm glad, we're glad, the whole world is glad that you got your life together. But nobody wants to feel like they will be inheriting all that shit if they get with you. So, save it for the 1st month anniversary or whatever.
That's pretty much it, if you follow these steps, you will certainly learn how to get a boyfriend. I'm glad that I could be of service. Stay tuned to Comedy Apprentice for all my dark jokes, short jokes and my dark humor. All my jokes are short unless there is a good reason for making them long. So, there is that. And yeah, thanks for reading and I'll see you on the next one!
The Answers: How to be a Piece of Shit at Work in 3 Easy Steps
Being a piece of shit at work is easy, and especially easy for people who are pieces of shit everywhere. If you're a lazy motherfucker then this list won't really make sense to you because you already do all of this shit by default. This is for the standard to good worker that is fed up with their bullshit work environment and want to learn a new way to conduct themselves at work. This is your guide for how to be a piece of shit at work in 3 easy steps.
The first and only rule to apply to these three steps is this: be uninvolved and take credit for everything good. This one rule will make your life so much easier and everyone else super pissed. Which is fine. Another name for this post could be "How to be Way More Selfish." Just think of those piece of shit lazy fucks that never do anything. They never work on a new project, never produce anything, never do anything. And yet, they still make it somehow. You are going to be one of those pieces of shit.
1. Work really hard for the first two weeks. You still remember how to work hard from doing it all your life. Now you just have to prove you can do it for 2 weeks. 2 weeks of excellence and the occasional 2 days ever there after is enough excellence to trick employers into thinking that you are good, but just having an off day. The kind of off day that turns into an off week, off month and then an off career.
2. Get clocked in and then sit down. This has to do with jobs where you are primarily standing. One way to make sure that you're sitting down as soon as you clock in is to save your bathroom trips for the moment that you clock in. Even if you're a guy, sit down for your pee. This is to permanently imprint on your mind that you must always be sitting and doing something that really isn't productive for the company. If something has to be done, you aren't the guy to do it. Everyone knows that if you're asked to do something, then they'll have to wait on you to lift your slow ass up out of the chair that you're in. Then you become a non-option for actual work. You just look at work as a place to hang out and get paid. Which is fine, if you're a piece of shit.
3. Take naps when you can and ask for a raise. You've already established that you won't be doing anything productive unless somebody is willing to struggle to get you to. This is great! Now you can start specializing your skill in finding places to sit down. By specializing, I mean finding more comfortable places to sit. This is to make it easier to get in your quick "power naps". When you're inevitably caught, you tell everyone that you "can't sleep lately, too stressed about work." This ploy for sympathy will make them feel guilty about asking you to get the fuck up and get something done. With that in place, you can groggily ask for a raise. You think that you'd be less stressed if your financials were in better shape. You're not asking much, just double pay for a reliable guy that always brings a great attitude. You're also responsible for everything good and had nothing to do with anything bad. All of this has been pretexted already if you've followed the steps correctly.
So there you go, "How to be a Piece of Shit at Work in 3 Easy Steps." You'll never have to work hard again, except for those occasional two days in a row. After the 5 year mark at your company, you'll only have to surprise people with 1 day of hard work at a time. These techniques definitely won't get you fired. They will be so thankful for those once to twice a month hard work days from you that they'll be overjoyed just to be in your presence.
The first and only rule to apply to these three steps is this: be uninvolved and take credit for everything good. This one rule will make your life so much easier and everyone else super pissed. Which is fine. Another name for this post could be "How to be Way More Selfish." Just think of those piece of shit lazy fucks that never do anything. They never work on a new project, never produce anything, never do anything. And yet, they still make it somehow. You are going to be one of those pieces of shit.
1. Work really hard for the first two weeks. You still remember how to work hard from doing it all your life. Now you just have to prove you can do it for 2 weeks. 2 weeks of excellence and the occasional 2 days ever there after is enough excellence to trick employers into thinking that you are good, but just having an off day. The kind of off day that turns into an off week, off month and then an off career.
2. Get clocked in and then sit down. This has to do with jobs where you are primarily standing. One way to make sure that you're sitting down as soon as you clock in is to save your bathroom trips for the moment that you clock in. Even if you're a guy, sit down for your pee. This is to permanently imprint on your mind that you must always be sitting and doing something that really isn't productive for the company. If something has to be done, you aren't the guy to do it. Everyone knows that if you're asked to do something, then they'll have to wait on you to lift your slow ass up out of the chair that you're in. Then you become a non-option for actual work. You just look at work as a place to hang out and get paid. Which is fine, if you're a piece of shit.
3. Take naps when you can and ask for a raise. You've already established that you won't be doing anything productive unless somebody is willing to struggle to get you to. This is great! Now you can start specializing your skill in finding places to sit down. By specializing, I mean finding more comfortable places to sit. This is to make it easier to get in your quick "power naps". When you're inevitably caught, you tell everyone that you "can't sleep lately, too stressed about work." This ploy for sympathy will make them feel guilty about asking you to get the fuck up and get something done. With that in place, you can groggily ask for a raise. You think that you'd be less stressed if your financials were in better shape. You're not asking much, just double pay for a reliable guy that always brings a great attitude. You're also responsible for everything good and had nothing to do with anything bad. All of this has been pretexted already if you've followed the steps correctly.
So there you go, "How to be a Piece of Shit at Work in 3 Easy Steps." You'll never have to work hard again, except for those occasional two days in a row. After the 5 year mark at your company, you'll only have to surprise people with 1 day of hard work at a time. These techniques definitely won't get you fired. They will be so thankful for those once to twice a month hard work days from you that they'll be overjoyed just to be in your presence.
The Answers: Why Should I be Afraid of Strangers in Rural North Carolina?
The reason why you should at least be cautious of strangers in rural NC is the same reason why you should be cautious anywhere. There is no more evil a creature, nor a creature capable of more evil than a human being. This is why the world of business, sales, exchanges of good and services is so comforting to me. There are incentives in place that protect you from complete unbridled insanity. Make no mistake, I've worked for and with plenty of nut jobs. Some people might consider me to be one of those nut jobs. You're just less likely to be abducted and killed by the guy that you have a turkey sandwich with in the break room everyday.
Out in the woods, out in the sketchy part of town at a sketchy party, there is almost no predicting what can happen. On the scale of paranoid, I fall somewhere in the middle of slightly paranoid to "Why is my toaster telling me to groom my neighbor's dog?". I am slow to trust and really quick to peace out. I don't like circumstances that mess with my gut feeling. I'll bail on almost anything if I get a bad feeling about it. Another one of my good rules is "If you feel like you're being watched, you are." Your senses are stronger than you think. My paranoia and distrust of my fellow man is much stronger. I've watched far too many crime documentaries to start buddying up with strangers and making tons of new friends on a whim.
All this being said, I'm really considering becoming a RentAFriend. It's a real thing, believe it or not. You can be paid to be someone's friend for an afternoon. The rates range from 10-50 dollars an hour. You are usually asked to show people around town, go out drinking or go to the movies. Stuff like that. I think I might love that. Plus, I'm not really the kind of person that rapists are looking for. I'm a hairy, old bald fat guy. That's not prime rapin' material from what I've read about rapists. Plus, I'm a great friend. I can make you laugh, I'm a good conservationist and a better listener.
People find me to be really easy to trust and be around. I am not totally sure why that is but it is. I think I'd like to specialize in hanging out with old people if I go through with it. I can absorb their wisdom and they have someone to talk to. It's a win win. Plus, it's pretty hard to get raped and abducted by someone in their 80's when you're a 26 year old in his 40's.
Out in the woods, out in the sketchy part of town at a sketchy party, there is almost no predicting what can happen. On the scale of paranoid, I fall somewhere in the middle of slightly paranoid to "Why is my toaster telling me to groom my neighbor's dog?". I am slow to trust and really quick to peace out. I don't like circumstances that mess with my gut feeling. I'll bail on almost anything if I get a bad feeling about it. Another one of my good rules is "If you feel like you're being watched, you are." Your senses are stronger than you think. My paranoia and distrust of my fellow man is much stronger. I've watched far too many crime documentaries to start buddying up with strangers and making tons of new friends on a whim.
All this being said, I'm really considering becoming a RentAFriend. It's a real thing, believe it or not. You can be paid to be someone's friend for an afternoon. The rates range from 10-50 dollars an hour. You are usually asked to show people around town, go out drinking or go to the movies. Stuff like that. I think I might love that. Plus, I'm not really the kind of person that rapists are looking for. I'm a hairy, old bald fat guy. That's not prime rapin' material from what I've read about rapists. Plus, I'm a great friend. I can make you laugh, I'm a good conservationist and a better listener.
People find me to be really easy to trust and be around. I am not totally sure why that is but it is. I think I'd like to specialize in hanging out with old people if I go through with it. I can absorb their wisdom and they have someone to talk to. It's a win win. Plus, it's pretty hard to get raped and abducted by someone in their 80's when you're a 26 year old in his 40's.
The Answers: What Does it Mean When You Dream About Snakes?
This is a question that I'm sure all of us have asked at some point. Usually when we wake up out of breath and in a sweat over a nightmare involving a snake. I'm particularly interested in finding out what these dreams mean according to the internet because I am prone to having a wide variety of snake related dreams. I'll discuss a few here before I get started for looking this stuff up. But first, would you like to read my take on some on the current geopolitical landscape?
Didn't think so. Snakes bite me in my dreams all the time. They are always normal sized snakes in these dreams. Another dream about snakes that I frequently have is when I go to investigate something out in nature. I'll be pulling rubble away and digging deeper into the ground when I'll come across a pattern. When I start pulling at it like a total numb nut, the patterned rubble reveals itself to be several pythons all piled together. Then, I turn around and see that I am impossibly surrounded by snakes.
The number of snakes around me is so great that I would not be able to take a single step without making contact with one of them. This is a level of panic comparable to when I attend any big gathering that I'm not working. Work gives structure and purpose to a giant loud shindig. But participation just makes me want to drink until I wake up sleeping with goats in a barn while my phone plays Sinatra radio on Pandora.
The last snake dream that I can think of right now happened a long time ago. I guess, maybe 5 or 6 years ago. That seems like a long time to me. I'm swimming on the surface of a lake in the dream and feel a sudden urge to look under the water. I carry on swimming but the urge gets greater. Finally, I look under the water and see that the lake is impossibly deep. There are skyscraper sized snakes underneath me. I don't scream as they are just swimming along not noticing me. But then I look down below all the other snakes. There is a green snake that seems to be looking right at me. I pull my head up from the water and look for a possible way to escape. When I look back down under the water, the green snake dashes toward me to consume me and I wake up, having thoroughly shit the bed.
So now, let's actually get some answers from the internet. Looks like if snakes scare you and one bites you in your dream, it could mean that there is some unpredictable element in your life. Snakes are unpredictable like that. There is not very much in my life that is unpredictable now, but the last several years were extremely unpredictable. I never knew where I'd be working, what I'd be doing. It was pretty tough. Nowadays, I'm positive every morning when I wake up that I'll be writing about making a poo in the bed after a scary dream or any other number of comparable scenarios.
Snakes that are hidden or are hard to find like I described in the digging through the rubble scenario can mean that there is a betrayal coming your way. Most people, myself included never see a betrayal coming. So, that makes sense to me. Well, I'm pretty sure that I'll be betrayed soon on account of a text that I received from an untraceable phone number. It read "Expect a betrayal soon." Pretty ominous huh? That message is pretty cut and dry even for someone as dense as me. Of course, there could always be some underlying symbolism to it I suppose. Maybe that will be another post on a later day. "Understanding Cryptic and Scary Messages from Strangers."...."In 3 quick steps." "Number 2 is INSANE!" Yeah, probably not going to happen unless I get a cryptic, scary message telling me that I have to make that post.
There is a bit of information on my giant, green snake dream. A big green snake being in the dream is supposed to be a promise of recovery for the ill. That's interesting because at the time that I had the dream I was going through some serious mental illness. Seeing tons of snakes underwater might have meant that I was in an unfavorable situation. That was also very true at the time. I am since enjoying much better working and living circumstances. This has been a fun post to make, I'll probably cover more dream related stuff in the future. I'm one of those kooks that remembers their dreams without writing them down sometimes. Look for more stuff like this in the future.
These are my sources:
https://checkmydream.com/dream-meaning/big--snake
http://www.dreammoods.com/commondreams/snake-dreams.html
Didn't think so. Snakes bite me in my dreams all the time. They are always normal sized snakes in these dreams. Another dream about snakes that I frequently have is when I go to investigate something out in nature. I'll be pulling rubble away and digging deeper into the ground when I'll come across a pattern. When I start pulling at it like a total numb nut, the patterned rubble reveals itself to be several pythons all piled together. Then, I turn around and see that I am impossibly surrounded by snakes.
The number of snakes around me is so great that I would not be able to take a single step without making contact with one of them. This is a level of panic comparable to when I attend any big gathering that I'm not working. Work gives structure and purpose to a giant loud shindig. But participation just makes me want to drink until I wake up sleeping with goats in a barn while my phone plays Sinatra radio on Pandora.
The last snake dream that I can think of right now happened a long time ago. I guess, maybe 5 or 6 years ago. That seems like a long time to me. I'm swimming on the surface of a lake in the dream and feel a sudden urge to look under the water. I carry on swimming but the urge gets greater. Finally, I look under the water and see that the lake is impossibly deep. There are skyscraper sized snakes underneath me. I don't scream as they are just swimming along not noticing me. But then I look down below all the other snakes. There is a green snake that seems to be looking right at me. I pull my head up from the water and look for a possible way to escape. When I look back down under the water, the green snake dashes toward me to consume me and I wake up, having thoroughly shit the bed.
So now, let's actually get some answers from the internet. Looks like if snakes scare you and one bites you in your dream, it could mean that there is some unpredictable element in your life. Snakes are unpredictable like that. There is not very much in my life that is unpredictable now, but the last several years were extremely unpredictable. I never knew where I'd be working, what I'd be doing. It was pretty tough. Nowadays, I'm positive every morning when I wake up that I'll be writing about making a poo in the bed after a scary dream or any other number of comparable scenarios.
Snakes that are hidden or are hard to find like I described in the digging through the rubble scenario can mean that there is a betrayal coming your way. Most people, myself included never see a betrayal coming. So, that makes sense to me. Well, I'm pretty sure that I'll be betrayed soon on account of a text that I received from an untraceable phone number. It read "Expect a betrayal soon." Pretty ominous huh? That message is pretty cut and dry even for someone as dense as me. Of course, there could always be some underlying symbolism to it I suppose. Maybe that will be another post on a later day. "Understanding Cryptic and Scary Messages from Strangers."...."In 3 quick steps." "Number 2 is INSANE!" Yeah, probably not going to happen unless I get a cryptic, scary message telling me that I have to make that post.
There is a bit of information on my giant, green snake dream. A big green snake being in the dream is supposed to be a promise of recovery for the ill. That's interesting because at the time that I had the dream I was going through some serious mental illness. Seeing tons of snakes underwater might have meant that I was in an unfavorable situation. That was also very true at the time. I am since enjoying much better working and living circumstances. This has been a fun post to make, I'll probably cover more dream related stuff in the future. I'm one of those kooks that remembers their dreams without writing them down sometimes. Look for more stuff like this in the future.
These are my sources:
https://checkmydream.com/dream-meaning/big--snake
http://www.dreammoods.com/commondreams/snake-dreams.html
The Answers: How To Make My Belly Fatter
A lot of people want flat abs and a sexy beach bod and all that shit. Not me. I ain't looking to live forever because getting old sucks. Plus, have you ever fell on your face before? Well I haven't because my belly is in the way of that. Now some of you are starting to come over to my side eh? Flat abs and all that may or may not be good for your face. Anyway, I'm here to provide you with my well researched and properly tested techniques for making your belly fatter.
1. Add sugar to everything
Adding sugar has been found to be an incredibly unhealthy thing to do. So do it. Sugar doesn't even really taste that good. Be honest with yourself, you can't really say what sugar tastes like. It's sweet sure, but what does that really mean? I don't know and I can't tell you, but I can tell you that my coffee is mixed with Coca-Cola and 11 packets of raw sugar. I like to add some much that there remains a grainy texture in the drink. Sometimes I fill a bowl with sugar and dump one cup of coffee in there with for a crunchy, mushy sugar soup. Some other ways you can apply this is to dump sugar over your popcorn, garnish your salad with sugar, soak your burger buns in honey and have molasses syrup as your toothpaste.
2. No more protein
Protein has been proven to be good for weight loss. So we don't want any of that. Later in this post I'll describe how we won't be moving anymore. Well, that'd be impossible unless we die, which we want to happen. I've spoken with a few immortals and they all have tremendous buyer's remorse. Apparently, all the aches and pains of getting old just keep getting worse indefinitely. So, my heart goes out to all the 1000 year old vampires that read my blog.
3. No more movement
Right, so we aren't going to be exercising anymore and if we do have to move we need to make it minimal. If you're a hard working server out there, it's time to become a lazy piece of shit that drags the rest of the team down. In all likelihood, you already have someone like that on the team, so their impact shouldn't be difficult to replicate. Think of yourself as a tick. You're only alive to feed off of someone else and then die as a giant bloated bag of blood. I'm not gonna lie, I deleted that last sentence a few times before deciding to move on. It's pretty damn disgusting.
4. Guzzle fruit juice
Here's a little, or maybe somewhat known fact, fruit juices aren't that great for you. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to know what is known in the first place. That's really kind of arrogant on my part to pose like I might know what people do and do not know. Which brings me to this most pressing question, do you think that our world is ruled by a sentient computer? I wouldn't be surprised if at the bottom of the internet depths, there lived a sentient super computer with designs for world domination through mental manipulation. Sending signals that change us into drooling slaves through memes and other internet culture bullshit. Lemme know what you think in the comments.
Back to fruit juice, everything has a serving size for a reason. Fruit juice is full of sugar. Sugar is something that we're already adding to our tacos, pizza and cheeseburgers if you're following along correctly. Fruits are full of sugar to begin with, but when you drink the kind that has had tons of the cocaine looking sweet stuff thrown in, double whammy. So, forget soda and beer/wine. We are gonna guzzle fruit juices, the sweeter the better. If you follow my steps detailed here, you'll no doubt succeed in making your belly fatter.
Disclaimer: Obviously, don't do any of this shit.
1. Add sugar to everything
Adding sugar has been found to be an incredibly unhealthy thing to do. So do it. Sugar doesn't even really taste that good. Be honest with yourself, you can't really say what sugar tastes like. It's sweet sure, but what does that really mean? I don't know and I can't tell you, but I can tell you that my coffee is mixed with Coca-Cola and 11 packets of raw sugar. I like to add some much that there remains a grainy texture in the drink. Sometimes I fill a bowl with sugar and dump one cup of coffee in there with for a crunchy, mushy sugar soup. Some other ways you can apply this is to dump sugar over your popcorn, garnish your salad with sugar, soak your burger buns in honey and have molasses syrup as your toothpaste.
2. No more protein
Protein has been proven to be good for weight loss. So we don't want any of that. Later in this post I'll describe how we won't be moving anymore. Well, that'd be impossible unless we die, which we want to happen. I've spoken with a few immortals and they all have tremendous buyer's remorse. Apparently, all the aches and pains of getting old just keep getting worse indefinitely. So, my heart goes out to all the 1000 year old vampires that read my blog.
3. No more movement
Right, so we aren't going to be exercising anymore and if we do have to move we need to make it minimal. If you're a hard working server out there, it's time to become a lazy piece of shit that drags the rest of the team down. In all likelihood, you already have someone like that on the team, so their impact shouldn't be difficult to replicate. Think of yourself as a tick. You're only alive to feed off of someone else and then die as a giant bloated bag of blood. I'm not gonna lie, I deleted that last sentence a few times before deciding to move on. It's pretty damn disgusting.
4. Guzzle fruit juice
Here's a little, or maybe somewhat known fact, fruit juices aren't that great for you. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to know what is known in the first place. That's really kind of arrogant on my part to pose like I might know what people do and do not know. Which brings me to this most pressing question, do you think that our world is ruled by a sentient computer? I wouldn't be surprised if at the bottom of the internet depths, there lived a sentient super computer with designs for world domination through mental manipulation. Sending signals that change us into drooling slaves through memes and other internet culture bullshit. Lemme know what you think in the comments.
Back to fruit juice, everything has a serving size for a reason. Fruit juice is full of sugar. Sugar is something that we're already adding to our tacos, pizza and cheeseburgers if you're following along correctly. Fruits are full of sugar to begin with, but when you drink the kind that has had tons of the cocaine looking sweet stuff thrown in, double whammy. So, forget soda and beer/wine. We are gonna guzzle fruit juices, the sweeter the better. If you follow my steps detailed here, you'll no doubt succeed in making your belly fatter.
Disclaimer: Obviously, don't do any of this shit.
The Answers: 5 Ways to Choose the Right Escort
Right, so I've never been with an escort or used a catalog to find one or anything like that. But I have been on the internet! All it takes to pick the perfect paid partner is a quick analysis of yourself and a quick analysis of the women available. So here we go with 5 ways to choose the right escort.
1. Check her eyes to see if she is dead inside. This can be done by looking for lines in her face on the pictures where she is smiling. If there are no pictures where she is smiling then she has already chewed up and spit out 17 other guys just like you. So, for the love of God leave her be! If you find a lady that has laugh lines but no shimmering, moisture like presence in the eyes then it means that she's good at faking human emotions and that she has cannibalized 17 other guys just like you, so for the love of God...well do what you got to do I guess. If you can find one with laugh lines and shimmering eyes then you are ready to book.
2. Check the price. Price is the main determinant of whether or not you start considering the cannibal or the serial killer broads. If possible, whatever it is in life, it's usually a good idea to go for the best. Try to date the best women, have the best grades, take the best job. But sometimes life has a different plan. And you Googled something along the lines of "how to choose an escort", so obviously your plans are a bit on the fritz. Life's plan usually doesn't pare up to perfectly with your wallet's plan. So use discretion here, and maybe think about saving up if you can only afford the serial killers and the cannibals.
3. Perform an image search on her profile pictures to make sure that she isn't a catfish. Also, look for her Facebook. I'll be honest with you I've taken both of these from the show Catfish on MTV. I never watch TV except for when I go home to visit my family. Last time I did, they were watching Catfish. So, I learned a few things while being entertained.
4. Light a candle and hum for 28 minutes in front of their picture. When you open your eyes, you'll either see a future full of love with her or you'll see her fleeing the scene of your murder. If you get number 2, then try another girl. This is the fail safe method for avoiding a really good fake or for finding the one cheap chick that you initially thought might drug you and sell you to a human trafficker. This method will show you that you can't always judge a book by it's cover. You can also use this method to peak inside the courtroom of your eventual killer's trial. That is if you decide to risk it with a number 2 option. I get it, we all have a taste for danger at some point.
Pro Tip: Be careful when you're sitting down that your nut sack isn't about to get pinched by your pants. It's fucking agony and now I wish I wouldn't have left to go pee in the first place. But if I hadn't done that then I'd be neglecting my bladder. That's not good either, so take my advice, nothing is good.
5. Make sure that she isn't a prostitute. In some places in Nevada there can be a legal hiring of a prostitute. But everywhere else in America there stands to reason that the person that you are soliciting is in fact an officer of the law. Escorts are supposed to be something else. Someone that you can't have sex with but they will dress up and pretend to be high class at your law school reunion cocktail party. I suppose in Vegas, escort and prostitute can mean the same thing sometimes but the whole world isn't Vegas. You don't want your mugshot in the paper and your ass in jail just because you're too lazy to form a connection with someone and earn the pussy like the rest of the civilized world. Or you're too cheap to go to Vegas to get what you want.
Now you may be wondering, what part of this has to do with self analysis? You taught me how to analyze the potential escorts, but you never told me how to analyze myself. Well, here's the thing, you have to go through the entire process of selecting the escort first, but not paying the money. I assume it's the kind of thing that you have to do up front. Then give yourself 5 reasons why you shouldn't proceed. If you can't come up with any, well then let natural selection take it's course. If you come up with any at all, then your logical brain will hopefully take over and you'll call the whole thing off. After that, maybe you could see a psychologist? I never finished any school that wasn't high school or community college, so I can't tell you whats up with you.
1. Check her eyes to see if she is dead inside. This can be done by looking for lines in her face on the pictures where she is smiling. If there are no pictures where she is smiling then she has already chewed up and spit out 17 other guys just like you. So, for the love of God leave her be! If you find a lady that has laugh lines but no shimmering, moisture like presence in the eyes then it means that she's good at faking human emotions and that she has cannibalized 17 other guys just like you, so for the love of God...well do what you got to do I guess. If you can find one with laugh lines and shimmering eyes then you are ready to book.
2. Check the price. Price is the main determinant of whether or not you start considering the cannibal or the serial killer broads. If possible, whatever it is in life, it's usually a good idea to go for the best. Try to date the best women, have the best grades, take the best job. But sometimes life has a different plan. And you Googled something along the lines of "how to choose an escort", so obviously your plans are a bit on the fritz. Life's plan usually doesn't pare up to perfectly with your wallet's plan. So use discretion here, and maybe think about saving up if you can only afford the serial killers and the cannibals.
3. Perform an image search on her profile pictures to make sure that she isn't a catfish. Also, look for her Facebook. I'll be honest with you I've taken both of these from the show Catfish on MTV. I never watch TV except for when I go home to visit my family. Last time I did, they were watching Catfish. So, I learned a few things while being entertained.
4. Light a candle and hum for 28 minutes in front of their picture. When you open your eyes, you'll either see a future full of love with her or you'll see her fleeing the scene of your murder. If you get number 2, then try another girl. This is the fail safe method for avoiding a really good fake or for finding the one cheap chick that you initially thought might drug you and sell you to a human trafficker. This method will show you that you can't always judge a book by it's cover. You can also use this method to peak inside the courtroom of your eventual killer's trial. That is if you decide to risk it with a number 2 option. I get it, we all have a taste for danger at some point.
Pro Tip: Be careful when you're sitting down that your nut sack isn't about to get pinched by your pants. It's fucking agony and now I wish I wouldn't have left to go pee in the first place. But if I hadn't done that then I'd be neglecting my bladder. That's not good either, so take my advice, nothing is good.
5. Make sure that she isn't a prostitute. In some places in Nevada there can be a legal hiring of a prostitute. But everywhere else in America there stands to reason that the person that you are soliciting is in fact an officer of the law. Escorts are supposed to be something else. Someone that you can't have sex with but they will dress up and pretend to be high class at your law school reunion cocktail party. I suppose in Vegas, escort and prostitute can mean the same thing sometimes but the whole world isn't Vegas. You don't want your mugshot in the paper and your ass in jail just because you're too lazy to form a connection with someone and earn the pussy like the rest of the civilized world. Or you're too cheap to go to Vegas to get what you want.
Now you may be wondering, what part of this has to do with self analysis? You taught me how to analyze the potential escorts, but you never told me how to analyze myself. Well, here's the thing, you have to go through the entire process of selecting the escort first, but not paying the money. I assume it's the kind of thing that you have to do up front. Then give yourself 5 reasons why you shouldn't proceed. If you can't come up with any, well then let natural selection take it's course. If you come up with any at all, then your logical brain will hopefully take over and you'll call the whole thing off. After that, maybe you could see a psychologist? I never finished any school that wasn't high school or community college, so I can't tell you whats up with you.
The Answers: How to Become a Travel Blogger and get Paid
I've never been out of this country except when I went on a prolonged field trip to Denmark.We didn't do much learning, but we did do a good deal of drinking. Also, nobody paid me to do it. So you'd be justified in saying that I have no fucking clue about what I'm talking about. But I have been on the internet. School teaches you how to synthesize a piece of knowledge from information. This is the first step in making use of the internet. The internet is the biggest, baddest thing in the world and we all need to chronicle our every movement on there so that crime can be much easier. Here's how to travel around the world and get paid.
1. You use your blog as means to get freelance work. Work that you will completely half-ass. If there's one thing I've learned from being a piece of shit, it's that good people will always give you a second chance. Just charge more money than anybody else and re-brand yourself as a new man every time that you apply for something new. Works every time, and it will make you money enough to keep from being somebody's employee. Also, make sure that you're from a country where there is tons of expendable income. That really seems to help.
2. Network with other bloggers that are more popular than you. This will keep you in the conversation of what seems to be important without forcing you to contribute anything of value. This is the only easy way to become famous. Used to, fame was something that the most outstanding people in a specific field earned. Now, outstanding people are still famous but they are forced to collaborate with irrelevant clingers that contribute nothing. You must become one of those parasites.
3. Monetize yourself using affiliate marketing. 99% of affiliate marketers fail because as a whole, this is a nearly impossible thing to make money on unless you have a ton of traffic. Not only that, but the traffic has to be for that specific thing that you are promoting. Also consider, nearly every source of information about affiliate marketing is not useful because it's provided by people that never made a penny in affiliate marketing. It's just some of the 99% that never made any money that are trying to recoup their losses by pretending like they made it rich and now they wanna share it with you. So, when I say that you should monetize yourself with affiliate marketing, I mean you should go fuck yourself and do something else.
4. Travel to a new country, become a sex worker/drug mule in order to leave. Let's be honest, you didn't make any money on ads, affiliate marketing or freelance services. You did a few freelance jobs for about 15 bucks total. You found out that it's pretty hard to compete with a more qualified candidate for those jobs when they are living in the third world and can bid pennies for the job that you need to receive dollars for. Your affiliate links haven't been clicked a single time. Your ads don't do anything because nobody is going to your site. But you decided to visit Paris on your parent's coin anyway. Assuring them that this will be your big break and that you'll be paying them back in no time. Now you've gotta break the law in order to get back home. Just make sure to keep updating your Instagram with motivational bullshit about how your entire life and perspective is changing due to this powerful experience.
1. You use your blog as means to get freelance work. Work that you will completely half-ass. If there's one thing I've learned from being a piece of shit, it's that good people will always give you a second chance. Just charge more money than anybody else and re-brand yourself as a new man every time that you apply for something new. Works every time, and it will make you money enough to keep from being somebody's employee. Also, make sure that you're from a country where there is tons of expendable income. That really seems to help.
2. Network with other bloggers that are more popular than you. This will keep you in the conversation of what seems to be important without forcing you to contribute anything of value. This is the only easy way to become famous. Used to, fame was something that the most outstanding people in a specific field earned. Now, outstanding people are still famous but they are forced to collaborate with irrelevant clingers that contribute nothing. You must become one of those parasites.
3. Monetize yourself using affiliate marketing. 99% of affiliate marketers fail because as a whole, this is a nearly impossible thing to make money on unless you have a ton of traffic. Not only that, but the traffic has to be for that specific thing that you are promoting. Also consider, nearly every source of information about affiliate marketing is not useful because it's provided by people that never made a penny in affiliate marketing. It's just some of the 99% that never made any money that are trying to recoup their losses by pretending like they made it rich and now they wanna share it with you. So, when I say that you should monetize yourself with affiliate marketing, I mean you should go fuck yourself and do something else.
4. Travel to a new country, become a sex worker/drug mule in order to leave. Let's be honest, you didn't make any money on ads, affiliate marketing or freelance services. You did a few freelance jobs for about 15 bucks total. You found out that it's pretty hard to compete with a more qualified candidate for those jobs when they are living in the third world and can bid pennies for the job that you need to receive dollars for. Your affiliate links haven't been clicked a single time. Your ads don't do anything because nobody is going to your site. But you decided to visit Paris on your parent's coin anyway. Assuring them that this will be your big break and that you'll be paying them back in no time. Now you've gotta break the law in order to get back home. Just make sure to keep updating your Instagram with motivational bullshit about how your entire life and perspective is changing due to this powerful experience.
The Answers: How to Become a Chick Magnet in 4 Easy Steps
I'm going to detail all the ways that somebody can attract the maximum number of romantic partners. This is How to Become a Chick Magnet.
1. Be funny all the time. Bust out your Rodney Dangerfield impression at your friend's uncle's funeral. Turn into Don Rickles for your Thanksgiving day toast. Turn into a clown at every moment's notice. Keep paint and makeup for making a clown face on your person at all times. Make the makeup drip so that it looks somewhat like blood. Women love danger and psychosis. If you can wrap both of those in laughter and inappropriate jokes then the chicks will come running.
2. Don't be approachable. Whatever you do, don't smile at anyone. Look like you wear the sleeves of the people who inflicted trauma on you in the past on your sleeves. Like you ripped their sleeves off and now you keep them as trophies. Hunch your body language as though you are trying to protect yourself from an ever impending stabbing. Whip your glaring face around when you are out in public as though you expect there to be government agents coming to abduct you at any minute. I say again, women love danger.
3. Show respect...to nobody. Women, men, children, the elderly and everyone else that might be in existence. Never be polite. When it comes to being mistreated, nobody loves that more than women. You're going to want to be a condescending prick at every opportunity. Whether they are confident and capable of doing whatever they want with their life, you just keep putting them down. Women will stay with this kind of behavior for months, years, they might even marry this kind of shit and stay with it till it literally kills them.
4. No matter what, act like a child. Women do not want a partner that is as mature as they are. They want to take care of you as much as they want to have your kids and then take care of them. When you get sick, make everyone that is in your life aware of that. But mostly, make sure that your woman, and I say that because she does belong to you, is aware that she will be caring for you hand and foot. Even if you only have a sinus infection, find a way to puke in the bed. Women love taking care of kids, so in turn they will love cleaning up your pukey sheets.
If you followed these 4 easy steps then you are no doubt covered up in pussy.
1. Be funny all the time. Bust out your Rodney Dangerfield impression at your friend's uncle's funeral. Turn into Don Rickles for your Thanksgiving day toast. Turn into a clown at every moment's notice. Keep paint and makeup for making a clown face on your person at all times. Make the makeup drip so that it looks somewhat like blood. Women love danger and psychosis. If you can wrap both of those in laughter and inappropriate jokes then the chicks will come running.
2. Don't be approachable. Whatever you do, don't smile at anyone. Look like you wear the sleeves of the people who inflicted trauma on you in the past on your sleeves. Like you ripped their sleeves off and now you keep them as trophies. Hunch your body language as though you are trying to protect yourself from an ever impending stabbing. Whip your glaring face around when you are out in public as though you expect there to be government agents coming to abduct you at any minute. I say again, women love danger.
3. Show respect...to nobody. Women, men, children, the elderly and everyone else that might be in existence. Never be polite. When it comes to being mistreated, nobody loves that more than women. You're going to want to be a condescending prick at every opportunity. Whether they are confident and capable of doing whatever they want with their life, you just keep putting them down. Women will stay with this kind of behavior for months, years, they might even marry this kind of shit and stay with it till it literally kills them.
4. No matter what, act like a child. Women do not want a partner that is as mature as they are. They want to take care of you as much as they want to have your kids and then take care of them. When you get sick, make everyone that is in your life aware of that. But mostly, make sure that your woman, and I say that because she does belong to you, is aware that she will be caring for you hand and foot. Even if you only have a sinus infection, find a way to puke in the bed. Women love taking care of kids, so in turn they will love cleaning up your pukey sheets.
If you followed these 4 easy steps then you are no doubt covered up in pussy.
The Answers: How to Stop Slurping Your Drink
This is a pretty simple how-to. First, you're going to have to make sure that you're not a total piece of shit. Audibly slurping a drink is a move that only the least considerate and moronic among us do. Opening your mouth and dumping drink and/or soup down the whole in your face is more than enough to put you in a position to swallow. There is no need to suck wind like a sentient, vengeful vacuum that hates the dust because it's moved in to the living room to take all the great living room jobs.
Nobody feels like they can tell you that you slurp your drink because it's so fucking obvious that it seems redundant and insulting to you to have to point it out. Make no mistake, you are the problem. This is the sort of behavior that incredibly selfish people put on. The kind that will try to make everyone else sick when they are sick. The kind that will insist on talking about every little aspect of their life with other people in order to vent. We don't wanna hear it!
Although, I am guilty of talking about personal stuff at work. Work is such a mundane and tiresome thing that I have to talk about personal shit or I'll just be so bored I won't be able to stand it. Not stuff like "I fucking hate my dad. UGH! Everything in my life that is bad is his fault!!" More along the lines of reflecting on stories from my past that were funny, crazy, traumatic in some way. The bottom line is that the stories have to be interesting and if they aren't, and I realize that at some point in the story then I'll just say the ending and admit that it was a dumb story. This keeps the flow of the work day conversation going.
The same motherfuckers that are slurping their drinks/soup are the same motherfuckers that well tell a story like this: "I was catching up with a friend of mine that I knew for three years in high school. He and I used to go to the Taco Bell and eat...tacos. I called him the other day and asked him how he's doing and he said that now they've got a Pizza Hut out there. Ain't that something." NO, it's fucking not!
Nobody feels like they can tell you that you slurp your drink because it's so fucking obvious that it seems redundant and insulting to you to have to point it out. Make no mistake, you are the problem. This is the sort of behavior that incredibly selfish people put on. The kind that will try to make everyone else sick when they are sick. The kind that will insist on talking about every little aspect of their life with other people in order to vent. We don't wanna hear it!
Although, I am guilty of talking about personal stuff at work. Work is such a mundane and tiresome thing that I have to talk about personal shit or I'll just be so bored I won't be able to stand it. Not stuff like "I fucking hate my dad. UGH! Everything in my life that is bad is his fault!!" More along the lines of reflecting on stories from my past that were funny, crazy, traumatic in some way. The bottom line is that the stories have to be interesting and if they aren't, and I realize that at some point in the story then I'll just say the ending and admit that it was a dumb story. This keeps the flow of the work day conversation going.
The same motherfuckers that are slurping their drinks/soup are the same motherfuckers that well tell a story like this: "I was catching up with a friend of mine that I knew for three years in high school. He and I used to go to the Taco Bell and eat...tacos. I called him the other day and asked him how he's doing and he said that now they've got a Pizza Hut out there. Ain't that something." NO, it's fucking not!
The Answers: How to Get Over Someone You Loved But Never Dated in 4 Easy Steps
First of all, the haters who tell you that you need to get over someone are wrong. Obsession is our quiet expertise. Nobody has to know that you know every single place that one person goes. Somebody, besides the government should know where that one person goes. Volunteering that information to you willingly would be a dangerous practice for this one person that you know everything about. So it's better to just learn that information on your own with the help of a private investigator or a few hackers on the internet. But if you've decided to get over your muse, then here's a quick and easy method for doing just that.
1. My life feels destroyed, so now yours will too.
So this title pretty much speaks for itself. You/I already know everything about the person that shattered your world and crushed your heart. Therefore, you already know how to wreck this person's life. She goes to her favorite camping spot, you bring your best big foot impression to that camp site. She goes to the grocery store to pick up more kale, you poison the kale. All of the kale, go to the source. Whatever far away land makes kale, go there and poison the kale. If she survives the poison, recovers and then decides to go to the lake to jog, you drive the nearest white rape van that you can find. You don't put her in the van, you just pull alongside her and stare as she quietly panics.
2. Get Help
So yeah most plebs will talk to friends, confide in a mental health professional or will just drink the problem away. All of those things are technically options but I recommend you stay entirely alone. Building a shrine is a perfectly rational thing to do when you feel like you have nobody to turn to. Because you don't have anyone to turn to. But once your shrine is finished, you'll always be able to turn to ...Julia...sweet Julia. My Julia. Erm, well anyway yeah, your shrine should be whoever...it should be. You can break into her house and steel mundane objects from her bathroom, night stand and coffee table. These are the easiest possessions to notice when they aren't there. Her thoughts about those objects being gone will fuel the spirit energy that your shrine will summon.
3. Never Admit That You're Hurt
Blast heavy metal music channel on Pandora every second of every day. Never stop. I don't care what your data overages look like, find a way around that. You must go deaf to the sound of electric guitar riffs and thundering drums. You will only wear black clothing and you will not fucking smile. I don't care if you win the lottery. Do not smile and never admit what is bothering you. Everyone that asks you what is wrong should be astonished at the level of rudeness that you employ in your response. Your new primary means of communication is to grunt, snarl and swear.
4. You Haven't Lost Them, They Aren't Dead...Yet
Understand that if you give them space enough to re-evaluate what you mean to them, they might decide that the distance between you two is too much. They might re-establish contact and try to renew the relationship. But none of this will happen if you freak out too much. Keep the shrine on the way down low, you'll sink your chances if they learn anything about that. Don't say anything about their private life to their face that hasn't already been revealed to you by them. We might have 8 terabytes of information pertaining to the mundane details of how they spend their time but letting them in on that is gonna be a big deterrent to the restoration of your relationship.
So obviously this is all just a big joke. Which is why you clicked on the comedy apprentice. I am thankful that you did and I hope that you got a few good laughs from this piece. If you are having trouble with a break up maybe this could help https://bit.ly/2TLH7oc. Get some help and be well. Also come back and talk some shit to me about my click bait title.
1. My life feels destroyed, so now yours will too.
So this title pretty much speaks for itself. You/I already know everything about the person that shattered your world and crushed your heart. Therefore, you already know how to wreck this person's life. She goes to her favorite camping spot, you bring your best big foot impression to that camp site. She goes to the grocery store to pick up more kale, you poison the kale. All of the kale, go to the source. Whatever far away land makes kale, go there and poison the kale. If she survives the poison, recovers and then decides to go to the lake to jog, you drive the nearest white rape van that you can find. You don't put her in the van, you just pull alongside her and stare as she quietly panics.
2. Get Help
So yeah most plebs will talk to friends, confide in a mental health professional or will just drink the problem away. All of those things are technically options but I recommend you stay entirely alone. Building a shrine is a perfectly rational thing to do when you feel like you have nobody to turn to. Because you don't have anyone to turn to. But once your shrine is finished, you'll always be able to turn to ...Julia...sweet Julia. My Julia. Erm, well anyway yeah, your shrine should be whoever...it should be. You can break into her house and steel mundane objects from her bathroom, night stand and coffee table. These are the easiest possessions to notice when they aren't there. Her thoughts about those objects being gone will fuel the spirit energy that your shrine will summon.
3. Never Admit That You're Hurt
Blast heavy metal music channel on Pandora every second of every day. Never stop. I don't care what your data overages look like, find a way around that. You must go deaf to the sound of electric guitar riffs and thundering drums. You will only wear black clothing and you will not fucking smile. I don't care if you win the lottery. Do not smile and never admit what is bothering you. Everyone that asks you what is wrong should be astonished at the level of rudeness that you employ in your response. Your new primary means of communication is to grunt, snarl and swear.
4. You Haven't Lost Them, They Aren't Dead...Yet
Understand that if you give them space enough to re-evaluate what you mean to them, they might decide that the distance between you two is too much. They might re-establish contact and try to renew the relationship. But none of this will happen if you freak out too much. Keep the shrine on the way down low, you'll sink your chances if they learn anything about that. Don't say anything about their private life to their face that hasn't already been revealed to you by them. We might have 8 terabytes of information pertaining to the mundane details of how they spend their time but letting them in on that is gonna be a big deterrent to the restoration of your relationship.
So obviously this is all just a big joke. Which is why you clicked on the comedy apprentice. I am thankful that you did and I hope that you got a few good laughs from this piece. If you are having trouble with a break up maybe this could help https://bit.ly/2TLH7oc. Get some help and be well. Also come back and talk some shit to me about my click bait title.
The Answers: How To Kiss
So believe it or not, there have been a few times in my life where I've kissed someone. Kissing is a fantastic expression of love and affection and can communicate many different things based on what culture you might be talking about. But this is not a history of kissing so much as it is a rudimentary manual. So let's keep the pioneers of metal in mind as we keep it simple stupid. You're going to open your mouth only slightly as you tilt your head to one side or the other. Don't open your mouth too widely or you're going to look more like you're prepping to take a bite out of her/him. For however open minded the world of today might be, cannibalism is still pretty much off limits.
If your partner is already going one way, then mirror that as you'll end up in the right place. For any big dumb dumbs out there that doesn't mean go to the same side that he/she goes to. The opposite side, so that you two fit together and don't clash foreheads. You're trying to create a face mashing that is somewhat reminiscent of the yin and yang symbol. But with your mouths. Keep in mind, there is always a possibility that they will recoil from the foul blast of your hot breath hitting them for the first time. I mean fuck, I can smell it from my apartment.
You'll carefully or forcefully if you're a wild ass, pair your lips to the target lips. Don't keep your eyes wide open, that's weird. Don't purse your lips together too tightly, you're supposed to be romantically engaged not pretending to kiss your aunt on the cheek. You kind of just keep repeating that motion from slightly different angles and viola! You're kissing. What to do with your hands and tongue are up to you and your partner. Some of you should practice having the conversation about boundaries with your blow up sex doll before you try it on a human.
A couple of ways to make sure that kissing goes wrong is to breathe heavily and loudly as you go in for the kiss. Try to kiss someone that would not otherwise expect a kiss, like a complete stranger. Kissing in the daylight in front of other people. That's just bad for the other people, nobody likes PDA. And trying to do too much too early on. She might think it's romantic to be kissed good night after a good evening but she probably isn't ready to be fingered on her porch if you guys just met. Unless she went on the date in a wife beater and chain smokes cheap cigarettes while griping about her 4 kids. If that's the case you can probably bust out the crack pipe and make a whole weekend out of it. Also, never try to finger a complete stranger. Never works out.
If your partner is already going one way, then mirror that as you'll end up in the right place. For any big dumb dumbs out there that doesn't mean go to the same side that he/she goes to. The opposite side, so that you two fit together and don't clash foreheads. You're trying to create a face mashing that is somewhat reminiscent of the yin and yang symbol. But with your mouths. Keep in mind, there is always a possibility that they will recoil from the foul blast of your hot breath hitting them for the first time. I mean fuck, I can smell it from my apartment.
You'll carefully or forcefully if you're a wild ass, pair your lips to the target lips. Don't keep your eyes wide open, that's weird. Don't purse your lips together too tightly, you're supposed to be romantically engaged not pretending to kiss your aunt on the cheek. You kind of just keep repeating that motion from slightly different angles and viola! You're kissing. What to do with your hands and tongue are up to you and your partner. Some of you should practice having the conversation about boundaries with your blow up sex doll before you try it on a human.
A couple of ways to make sure that kissing goes wrong is to breathe heavily and loudly as you go in for the kiss. Try to kiss someone that would not otherwise expect a kiss, like a complete stranger. Kissing in the daylight in front of other people. That's just bad for the other people, nobody likes PDA. And trying to do too much too early on. She might think it's romantic to be kissed good night after a good evening but she probably isn't ready to be fingered on her porch if you guys just met. Unless she went on the date in a wife beater and chain smokes cheap cigarettes while griping about her 4 kids. If that's the case you can probably bust out the crack pipe and make a whole weekend out of it. Also, never try to finger a complete stranger. Never works out.
The Answers: What Does it Mean When You Dream About Cats?
It means that you are on the internet watching cat videos far too often. Since cat's are lazy, cute and vicious killers, dreaming about one could also mean that you having been dealing with a woman. If you dream of a cat and mouse sleeping together it means that are letting the woman in your life get too close and in about 6 months time you be begging for an annulment. If your dream is about beating a cat, then you are sexually frustrated. This tidbit comes to us from the storied psychological halls of rap music in the form of "I beat the pussy up". You may know the phrase from the highly commendable collaboration between LoveRance and 50 Cent.
If you dream about a screaming cat then perhaps you are a sleep walker and you have accidentally stepped on the tail of your kitty. If you are a pregnant mother dreaming of a screaming cat then it is a reminder that your pussy will be screaming when you hatch your baby. Dreaming about being bitten by a cat can symbolize that cats are disloyal little shits and can turn violent toward you after only a few pets. This most important truth should never waiver from your mind when dealing with cats. They are treacherous little crazies that lure you in with cuteness and send you away with scratch marks.
If you dream about a talking cat, but realize that you aren't dreaming, then you have taken LSD and your name is Alice. If you dream of multiple cats surrounding you it means that you are a pimp and the hoes are out to get you. Dreaming about a giant cat cuddling with you after a long journey through the woods means that you have a fanciful imagination and now you have to go back to the drudgery of every day life.
If you dream about a screaming cat then perhaps you are a sleep walker and you have accidentally stepped on the tail of your kitty. If you are a pregnant mother dreaming of a screaming cat then it is a reminder that your pussy will be screaming when you hatch your baby. Dreaming about being bitten by a cat can symbolize that cats are disloyal little shits and can turn violent toward you after only a few pets. This most important truth should never waiver from your mind when dealing with cats. They are treacherous little crazies that lure you in with cuteness and send you away with scratch marks.
If you dream about a talking cat, but realize that you aren't dreaming, then you have taken LSD and your name is Alice. If you dream of multiple cats surrounding you it means that you are a pimp and the hoes are out to get you. Dreaming about a giant cat cuddling with you after a long journey through the woods means that you have a fanciful imagination and now you have to go back to the drudgery of every day life.
The Answers: How to Cut Your Own Hair
Here's how I, famous and fabulously rich comedy genius, Austin, cut my own hair. I take the clipper that I use on my beard and ball beard and I put a limiter on it so that I can trim the hair on my head. When I have to move to the back of my head, I take my phone out and turn it's selfie camera on and then point it at the mirror. I turn my back and then trim the back of my head and neck while looking at my phone screen. This is a most advanced technique and not something that everyone should try. The hair will fall onto the floor. So it's best to have a broom and dustpan if you have hardwood floors and a vacuum if your shit is carpet.
The technique I have thus outlined is a technique for men and very butch women. If you want to cut your hair as a woman and you don't want to look like a professional female boxer, then you'll first want to develop some very serious emotional traumas pertaining to your father. Next, you're going to want to turn to sex, drugs and attention seeking in order to fill that void. When you realize your life is firmly off the rails, go ahead and publicly decry the system that has made you into a sniveling, miserable little shit. Then, in a fit of madness start hacking your hair out with scissors and chef knives. Eventually, when you half way come to your senses you'll just do what I outlined in the first paragraph of this post.
There you have it! Two perfect ways to get one thing done. One for man and one for woman. The content on this blog is just getting better and better. Almost brings a tear to my eye.
The technique I have thus outlined is a technique for men and very butch women. If you want to cut your hair as a woman and you don't want to look like a professional female boxer, then you'll first want to develop some very serious emotional traumas pertaining to your father. Next, you're going to want to turn to sex, drugs and attention seeking in order to fill that void. When you realize your life is firmly off the rails, go ahead and publicly decry the system that has made you into a sniveling, miserable little shit. Then, in a fit of madness start hacking your hair out with scissors and chef knives. Eventually, when you half way come to your senses you'll just do what I outlined in the first paragraph of this post.
There you have it! Two perfect ways to get one thing done. One for man and one for woman. The content on this blog is just getting better and better. Almost brings a tear to my eye.
The Answers: How Do I Follow Blogs?
Really the only blog in existence that you should follow is mine. This one, the one that you're on. It's perfect in every way. It's funny and it gives real world, practical advice such as "Stay away from eugenicists", "Don't make the Nazi's mad" and "Never take advice." So the way to subscribe to this most perfect of blogs is to look to the right of the page on my home page. Then scroll down till you see the total page views number. There will be a subscribe button there. You can use this button and the services affiliated with it to subscribe to my blog. Alternatively, you can scroll to the bottom of my home page and subscribe via email. I recommend this method as email has been around long enough that I trust it as a service. I am paranoid about Facebook and social media in general. But I'm also paranoid in general. But you already knew that didn't you? Didn't you!! That's it, I'm locking my doors and turning out the lights. No posts till the end of next month!
The following of a WordPress blog is similar. There will be some form of a subscribe button or follow button somewhere on the blog's homepage. Sometimes you will be prompted to subscribe before you have even read the content that you have clicked on. Which kind of defeats the purpose of writing the content. Because I might have gone looking for your follow button if you let me read the content that I wanted to read. But you fucking interrupted me on my way with your fucking prompt. Now I'll never know if Nazi's built a hideaway in Antarctica that they used to launch themselves into space. All because you couldn't wait one fucking second to tell me to subscribe so that you can flood my inbox with opportunities to spend money on your shit. I want to do well too you know. I can't just buy whatever you email me. I need to have a savings account worse than I need a promotional new business opportunity that I'll have to pay to join for some reason.
So there you go, all the answers you could possibly dream of for this topic. Since I have so expertly and eloquently written this post I am sure that all who read it will then subscribe to experience more of my flawless writing. For that I am eternally grateful that you all will be eternally grateful to have my writing sent straight to your inbox.
The Answers: How to Smoke Cracker Sized Bologna
This is a post about how to smoke crack. Code names are important in the underground. Oh wait, you really wanna know about smoking bologna? Okay sure, I think I can cover that. You're going to need a smoker. So you can have your own smoker for like 55 usd. How they work is that you pack the lower rack with wood chips and then light them on fire...I think. You put the bologna on the upper rack and then close the hatch...I think. You can also slice up the bologna into small little cracker sized shapes before you smoke them...yeah, I'm pretty sure about that part. To be honest, I've never used a smoker before. I don't own a smoker, nor will I ever. I do buy a good deal of bologna. I love it on whole wheat bread with olive oil mayo and creamy horseradish. So damn good. I bet it would be even better if the bologna was smoked, so somebody should really make a YouTube video on that. Actually, seems like this dude knows how, so check him out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EXqmpPk5IRk.
The Answers: What are Hemorrhoids?
Hemorrhoids are swollen veins in and around the inside or outside of your asshole. They hurt, itch and sometimes bleed. I got mine from heavy lifting and working hard. This is the punishment that life bestows upon you for working hard. Hemorrhoids can also form when you get fucked in the ass. Which is really just another way of describing hard work. You also can't strain during bowel movements or they might form. But sometimes you have to do that anyway, so you're fucked. Fucked in the ass. It's also not great to sit for long times on the toilet. So if you decide to be a genius and have an extra break at work by sitting on the toilet pretending to take a shit, you'll also be risking the rhoids. So even when you try to take a break from working your ass off by pretending to dump ass, you'll end up wrecking your ass. This is the post that proves that all along I've been a philosopher and not really a comedian at all.
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