Comedy Story: The Only Reliable Reporting

Scientists at the Academy of Internets have found that the public has become "bored" with the news of mass shootings and killings in general. Today's news consumer wants a new kind of crime, something a bit more creative. "Where are all the crossbow killers? The home made improvised toaster grenades? The death by weaponized hair blower? Today's mass shooters and murderers lack innovation and creativity." This quote from Meg "The Stare" Beanbitter of Asheville, NC who is widely considered to be one of the more sketchy people in a town of literally only sketchy people.  Quite the accomplishment, to be sure. 

 

Waffle House has reported that 70% of their annual income is thanks to drunks coming into their restaurants at 3:55am, ordering 16 menu items at roughly 37 dollars total and then passing out in the bathroom before the food is ready. Waffle House plans to build cushioned, self cleaning bathroom floors in all of their restaurants in order to better accommodate these most valuable patrons. The self cleaning aspect will be performed by a robotic sex doll that can provide "lifelike oral sex" and clean up vomit with the same high level of proficiency. 

Single mothers under the age of 20 at the Institute of Decision making are finding that men are just as uninterested in supporting them as their parents were in loving them. Most of them find solace in reading poetry, learning new skills and neglecting their child's emotional and physical needs. "I mean, he's one now...so stop pooping everywhare. Gawd." This from basic bitch number 9,000 who claims to be a Christian on her Tinder profile. 

 

Those experienced in living will tell you that nothing can be learned from not trying, not caring or from listening to what a first year Philosophy student has to say. 

McDonald's has come clean about their plans to destroy health and wellness with every meal that they serve. Current CEO Chris Kempczinski released this statement "It was all for the laughs mostly. I mean, look at all these fat fucking people!! Oh yeah, besides the laughs it was for the money. The ungodly amounts of money that people will spend on fat, grease and sugar. I mean holy shit. How have they not caught on yet?" Experts believe that McDonald's can expect a 12% increase in profits this quarter in spite of the CEO's statement. This is because the statement will make them feel sad and the feeling of sad will send them right back to the drive through. 

Comedy Story: A Summary of the News

Today I've got some updates for you and a general summary of the news. From the Council of Matters Pertaining to Gloom and or Doom, the best way to be kind to yourself during terminal illness? Suicide. The best way to be kind to yourself during chronic illness? Talk to a therapist, take your meds and remember that the world has turned it's back on you. High profile criminals in isolation chambers that get blasted into space for the rest of the galaxy to deal with are not as alone as you are. Also, mindfulness can help to put things into perspective, such as your unyielding solitude.

The biggest math convention in the world just wrapped up in Dayton, Ohio on Saturday. The event proved once and for all that even if nobody sees the event happen, it did still happen. One would think that this development will shed more light on falling trees in the woods and the sounds that they make.

Iran came clean about shooting down a Ukrainian plane full of Iranians and Iranian-Canadians. Their prior stance was "Nuh uh." Upon learning that the plane was full of Iranians and Iranian-Canadians Minister of Terrorist Activities, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei admitted "ah fuck...well...probably all infidels anyway."

President Trump warned Iran to stop killing their protesters. My gender fluid, white neighbor who is pursuing a BFA in pottery and already has over $100,000 in student loan debt believes that this is a bit too judgmental on Trump's part as he has in fact said rude things about women in the past.

"Am I an alcoholic?" is the number one search phrase for first time dramatic underage drunk teenagers and Barefoot guzzling basic bitches in college. The least likely to search the phrase? Homeless drunks on the side of the road.

Comedy Story: 48 Year Old Beach Body Broad

There is no bigger waste of time than to click articles about famous women in bikinis. Why do these articles exist? Because motherfuckers click them. Women click them because they want to feel jealous or because they want to critique. Men click them to tease themselves I guess. But there is an endless stream of naked women within reach, visually, if you are willing and able to open your incognito browser and look for them.

This kind of almost nudity won't get most people off. That is the job of porn. These kind of articles will never stimulate you mentally. That is the job of philosophy. So what I really want to click is a porn video where a guy dressed as Socrates nails a 48 year old beach body broad in the temple of Athena. This would take place after a 40 minute exchange of dialectics. Feel free to steel that idea, perfect ideas should be realized no matter who is doing the realizing.

Usually I am immune to these stupid fucking ads. But sometimes, if it seems freaky enough, or there is the chance to see some old broad that has spent millions on not looking like an old broad, then I'll check it out. But it's more so for the freak show aspect of it than anything else. What's so bad about getting old? I don't mind going bald and having grey hair on my head and my beard. I am also pretty fat nowadays. It doesn't matter. There are women who are attracted to my lack of self concern and self awareness for that matter. So pretty much no matter how ugly you make yourself, there is a woman out there that will still dig it.

If you make comments about the appearance of others then you are almost certainly insecure about how you look. This does not include describing somebody as the fat guy or the fat chick. Sometimes those are perfectly reasonable descriptions and really no other description would suffice in that situation. In the same way that if there are 23 people in a room and only 1 of them is black, and that's the guy that you need to talk to, I will tell you to talk to the black guy. We are all way to busy to stumble over a description of the pattern of his shirt or the styling of his hair/beard. You are looking for the black guy.

Anyway, beach babes that are old enough to not have kids anymore are not interesting to me. But they are to somebody. Just like how I will never click an article about an especially large geyser explosion, the geyser explosion and the 54 year old beach babe clickers might not be clicking on my site. But I hope they do, and they are welcome too. Maybe they have tremendous insight into something I could have never imagined. Either way, we only have so much time to live so let's not waste it. Do what you like. 

Comedy Story: They Are All Shit

I want the US government to continue to shit itself on the national stage until they finally just give up and start bringing in people with actual solutions. Trump can get impeached, I don't care. Hilary can go to jail, I don't care. I would be happy if both of those things happened and also, Michael Jackson raped all those kids.

Fuck the news and fuck all the people that soak it in and worry about tomorrow. None of that shit matters. A complete moron and a stooge like Trump is proof that the position of president doesn't mean anything. If he argued with me on this point he'd come up with a marketing slogan for my least appealing factors and then steam roll me in front of a rabid crowd of supporters. My slogan might be "Austin in his college apartment, no degree." Or "Undergraduate Austin at age 30." Jokes on you cocksucker I ain't going back to college.

Bill Clinton and his side bitch killed all those people. Doesn't matter what they say or what anybody says. I believe only the worst about our stupid fucking leaders. What a joke. Why can't ultra powerful public figures have the same suicidal tendencies that our 15 year olds have today.

For all of those cunts that are suing Trump for sticking his hand in the clam all uninvited, why can't one of you have been carrying a gun? Are there no NRA members among the high profile whores of the world? I would think of all the people in the world, that group should have as good a justification for owning a gun as anybody.

Bill Cosby drugged and raped all those bitches too. Nobody that is in the public eye is any good. Except Anthony Hopkins, nobody can fault that man. He's literally untouchable and if you find evidence to the contrary then don't link it to me as that would obliterate my whole world. Honestly, I would vote for Anthony Hopkins to be president because I'm no better than anybody else that makes a hero out of somebody that they don't know. I know that he couldn't fix all my problems but he would at least lend some dignity to the position. He'd act like a great president at the very least. (Yes the act part was a pun and I laughed out loud at it when I wrote it.)

America will always be the land of the free, home of the brave. No matter how many idiots are out there trying to make it look bad. I love this country but I don't love it's figures. I love the motherfucking truck drivers, the geologists and the nurses and even the fucking lawyers. But I don't want even one more second of my life to go to waste having to listen to how great some public figure is when we know they are all shit. Because they are all shit. But not Hopkins.

Comedy Story: Went to the Wrastlin'

Forest, a friend of mine and I went to a local professional wrestling event a few months back. I haven't written about it till now because I was too busy trying to wash the smell of cigarette smoke and desperation out of my clothes.

The first guys to go up were pretty professional I think. I don't watch wrestling so I'm not sure what I should have been looking for. But the crowd cheered the loudest when they were on and they did the most flipping around and falling off of things, so I assume that means they were the best.

A lot of people in the crowd shouted at the wrestlers and they all had characters. Some were clearly good guys and others were clearly bad guys. The most obvious instance of this was when they had a really, really gay guy wrestled a 15 year old girl. The girl won and the gay guy was arrested for obscenity. Which in rural NC just means "No fags aloud at the wrastlin'."

There was a duo that dressed up as a Space Jam theme. They were supposed to be the kid friendly group. I don't have kids but if they were fans of something as lame as that I would trade them in for some new kids.

Overall it was a lot of fun to watch the wrestlers do crazy things, then react to the audience reacting to the wrestlers. There is a zero chance that I'll ever attend another event like that again. But at least now I know for sure that I hate the experience, instead of just being pretty sure that I hate it.

One last thing about the place, everyone that I thought would be there, was there. Wife beaters and camo will never go out of style in the county where I live, if this event was any indication.

Comedy Story: Cheer Up and Carry On

First of all I'd like to say fuck me. I have 3 places for relaxation  set up in my apartment and only one workstation. I have a bed, a spot on the floor to relax on and a recliner. My desk where I do all my work sometimes doesn't get used at all but I can play video games or watch horror films from all 3 of the other positions. Let me inform you that this apartment is a studio apartment. So there isn't much room in here but I've definitely made room for plenty of relaxing.

Nobody can work all the time indefinitely without any repercussions. I don't even want to work more than I do. I'm just saying that when there is a que of shit that needs to get done in my life...I'm never surprised. I put stuff off, it's as simple as that. I have made plenty of plans and all that results in is me taking out my trash sooner than expected.

My dishes and bills pile up. My shower and toilet are usually really clean. I don't organize things all that well. But my hooker decapitating station is always really clean...Hmm maybe I should take that part out. Nah...nobody misses hookers.

When I do allow things to pile up I make one short list and spend an entire day getting everything done on that list. This is an emotional but also rational solution. If I insist on getting everything done on the list then I will have everything that I need to get done, done. But I also do it for the endorphin release that I get from completing objectives in real life the way that I do in video games. I also feel good about following my list in public as if it is of critical importance for the preservation of the union when really I'm just picking up toilet paper and Diet Sunkist.

I am doing just fine. Plenty of people love me and I them. I'm not in a hurry to be a billionaire and I don't live everyday like it's my last. I'm doing just fine because I'm edging my way into a dream career one day at a time. I'm also going at a pace where I won't burn out. That's the most important part to me. Maybe you feel stressed about where you are in the pursuit of your dream. Well, we can only take it one day at a time. So cheer up and carry on.

Comedy Story: The Kneeling Quarterbacks

Colin Kaepernick is a guy that makes the NFL cringe. He had a ton of athletic ability and the skills to lead a team to the super bowl...one time. Ever after that he has pretty much stunk. He got benched and then started kneeling for...cop killers and the rest is history. Oh wait, I think I might've gotten wrong.

Actually his protest shined the spotlight on police brutality and hopefully will result in some positive social change. Anyway, the media wants so badly to have him around to talk about again that I would move that they have conspired to create his audition for NFL teams, engineered his workouts, fed him and provided him with in depth espionage of all NFL strategies so that he would have a bargaining chip to get himself signed again, if his skills on the field weren't enough.

He worked out and now 2 teams as of my writing this are apparently interested. One where the owner doesn't give a fuck about how things look, which would be a real positive for Kaepernick. The other is a team that is trying to make it to the Super Bowl but they don't have a good enough quarterback. Well K was able to get a tremendous 49er team to the big game, but that was when he was still very much in the game. There could be a good deal of rust on those already questionable skills.

But I am in favor of a team signing Kaepernick and if they do, I want them to sign Tim Tebow too. I Want all three quarterbacks on the field at the same time. The qb that they have now, Tebow and Kaepernick. Both Kaepernick and Tebow could run, throw and probably catch. So just think about all the misdirection you could accomplish on offense. You could call it the hydra setup. Plus the media coverage and revenue from attendance would be astronomical. Whatever teams there are out there that want to take of the league, just give it a shot. I'm telling you that is the football team that we all want to see.

Comedy Story: Visualization and Happiness Link

It seems like every time a neuroscientist decides to get rich they just put out some kind of Law of Attraction bullshit. I don't give a fuck how interesting the micro machines in my brain say that my imagination is. I don't care if you find it physiologically, psychologically and philosophically pleasing to pretend to smile until you really are happy. That is fucking stupid. I don't want to be happy that badly. I don't want to pretend anything unless I really am acting. I want to do exactly how I do and change nothing. 

I want people to realize that it's not the changes that you make to yourself that make you. It's the improvements and mastery level of your skills that make you. What can you contribute? If you are thinking about, working on or otherwise fucking with something other than your skills, then you are wasting your time. Stop trying to think that there is just some kind of fix all ideology that if you follow it just right you will live successfully. NO! Okay that's enough text yelling. What I'm getting at is that whatever it is that you want to do, you should be practicing that thing and working out all the ins and outs of that thing.

If you start working on your thing and you never stop, then by God you'll get pretty good at it just so long as you aren't killed before you get the chance. Men, don't waste your time on women and women, don't waste your time on men. Be gay. Just kidding, love whoever you want. But don't worry about finding and securing that love unless you have already mastered something. The skills that you can offer the world, the mastery that you have obtained will provide a good living for you. There are no poorly paid masters in the world. I'm not referring to a college degree there either. Once you are a master of whatever you chose, you will be paid. Once you are paid then you can be in love and build a family and whatever the fuck else you want.

I've typed all this shit just to say, stop fucking up your life. Start the road to mastery today and don't fuck with love tips, sex advice articles or self help books. Figure out what you love and master it.

Comedy Story: Leroy and Earl Save Church (Special)

"Earl, how many shots you got left?" 

The situation was dire. Leroy knew that, he knew that this might be a one way trip for him. But he wasn't quite ready to die yet. So many whiskeys left to try. Plenty girls left out there for him to go out with. Only question these days was where do we go out to? 

"Got ugh... 8 between ma pistol and the shotty." Earl conveyed this information with his standard confused look. What didn't confuse this man? Leroy wandered. 

"Good, we need to conserve them as best we can. Earl.. I ugh...well you see...this might be the end and I just wanted to say that...." 

ERRAHHHHH!!! A spine tingling screech ripped through the night air and Leroy knew mortal terror. Earl in the meantime stared blankly at Leroy until he asked

"You were ugh...saying something weren't ya there Leroy?" 

"Yeah I was just saying...well whatever man, let's get a move on." 

It had been a cold hard 5 years after the nuclear zombie bombs from Tanzania were dropped all over the world. Apparently there had been some confusion about which controller was controlling the release of nuclear zombie bombs and which one was the controller for the virtual reality video games that the prime minister spent most of his working hours on. And thus, humanity is destroyed by the biggest, ragiest rage quit of all time. But that was then, Leroy and Earl had to think about how they would rescue miss Marcy's two kids from the abandoned mine shaft. A mine shaft that Leroy and Earl had been luring zombies into with rotted meat and then shoving them down the highest drops in the mine. 

"Was a good plan, our little setup here? Weren't it a good plan to trick the zombies and shove em' down the shaft? Sorry miss Marcy, didn't figure your brats would wanna get down in there and play with the things." Earl muttered to nobody in particular. They had made it into the mine and were following the ceiling lights that Earl was able to get working on a prior mission. 

"It was a good plan Earl, errh ahhh!!" Leroy lost his footing and tumbled further down the mine shaft than he had ever been before. He frantically rummaged around the on the floor for his flashlight. The darkness hugged him like an aunt with abandonment issues. 

"Shit shit shit! What the fuck, oh what the shit!" Leroy hissed to himself 

"Don't have a shit hissy thar buddy. I got more than one flashlight packed." Earl joined Leroy with two working flashlights in tow. 

"You jackass! We only have two flashlights in the first place! You took mine." Leroy snatched the flashlight away from a bewildered Earl.

"Well.. weren't it a good thing that I ACCIDENTALLY, and I do mean ACCIDENTALLY took your flashlight? Seeing as how you took a mighty hard tumble down this here mine shaft? Coulda broke the other flashlight all to shit. Then we'd had to huddle together and be two shivering idiots down here. The kids mighta had to of rescued us." 

"Whatever, thanks for packing the flashlights. Let's get a move on, this could turn really bad, really fast. "

 Earl nodded and motioned forward with his flashlight and gun pointing the way. He moved the way Navy Seals in movies do. Only exception being that Navy Seals in movies don't run out of breath and weeze loudly after a few minutes of brisk walking. 

"Could you keep it down! You sound like the big bad wolf over there." Leroy hissed at Earl who responded 

"Shit...I don't even....know why I have to be....here...they ain't my kids....anyhow. Why my kids wouldn't ever fall down a zombie filled....mine shaft....They'd know better....little shits are always...piping up in church....I'd gettem learned on...that too....need a good ass blistering...that's all..." 

"Okay let's take a break. You need to catch your breath and we haven't seen or hear-" 

ZZZZZZPSCHHH BEEP BEEP BEEP 

"Ah what the shit. Ello this is Earl, whatya need?" It was Earl's radio picking up from halfway to the center of the Earth somehow. The sudden noise had almost ended Leroy. He wondered how much more his nerves could take. 

"Oh Merla called? How's she doing? Is her boy the one they put in charge of the communal vegetable garden back in the spring? Yeah...yeah...boy couldn't grow a damn thang I tell ya." 

"Do we have time for this Earl?" Leroy could never understand the limitless enjoyment that Earl could derive from his mundane chats with his wife. Even though the world had ended, Earl still had plenty of bullshit to complain about with his wife. If you listened in on their pillow talk you'd probably wonder if they weren't zombies to begin with. 

"Just a minute Leroy. Now did I hear that correct, you said that school teacher don't believe in God no more? You figure it's the unbearable hopelessness that might set in when somebody has nothing to live for but they gotta keep on living anyhow? Yeah well...could be I reckon....yeah...yep.... is that right?...they did what?....well praise the Lord honey....well.....yep.....I figure as much....nah the hemorrhoids hadn't acted up on me in a while....well it sure was sweet of you to think about me honey. I'll ring ya back when I get on out of here with my three screaming kiddies."  

Uproarious laughter could be heard over the radio from Earl's wife. Earl got in a few good hearty chuckles too. 

"Hey I gotta go now honey bun. Love you too, bye bye. Hey sorry buddy, I just knew she'd get a kick out of that." 

"Indeed. Well let's move alo-"

ERRAHHHHH!!! "AHHH NO! DON'T COME ANY CLOSER!" This time the howl of the dead was accompanied by the screams of the kids. 

"Come on they must be close!" Leroy and Earl took off sprinting towards the noise. Leroy could feel deep down that this was the moment he had been waiting for all of his life. He would rescue the kids! He would save the day and be the hero that a his underwhelming life had prepared him to be! Just then the floor gave way and Leroy and Earl tumbled into a sealed away room. When they had dusted themselves off a bit they could see that it must have been some kind of storage room. 

"Shiiiieeet far. I ugh...uuuummmphhh! I've gone and thrown out my back Leroy. We have shit and fell back in it now brother." 

"No kidding." Leroy scanned the room, looking for an exit. There was the way they came in and a door that would lead them to God only knows where.  

"We should work together to climb out of here." 

"You don't...Oh Lordie...wanna go out the...door?" Earl asked. 

"We don't know where the door could lea-" Just then a WHAM WHAM WHAM at the door jolted the men.  

"Leroy...less a miracle takes place...I won't be climbing it'all. We gotta shoot whatever is on the other end of that door and find ourselves a way up from there. Less you plan on leaving me to die." 

Leroy's mind raced, he did consider leaving Earl to die. I mean, he was so irritatingly dull. But no he couldn't do that. 

WHAM WHAM WHAM 

Leroy panicked even harder. What could he do? He had to shoot. He had to shoot! But he couldn't shoot just once, he had to let loose and empty every shell in his shotgun.  

WHAM WHAM WHAM 

These zombies wouldn't know what hit them. 

"Eat....LEAD!!!" Leroy screamed as he closed his eyes and blazed away at the door with his pump shotgun. 

"DIE DIE DIE!!!" Leroy lost himself in the moment of his final stand. His adrenaline pumped, his chest filled with courage. Maybe he would die today but he would not go quietly into that goodnight! And then, just as quickly as the melee had begun it was over.  As the smoke cleared, Earl had this to say. 

"Good grief Leroy...you done saved the zombies and shot the kids." 

All down the hallway it was plain to see. Miss Marcy's two little rats had been at the door and only now had the zombies down the hallway taken notice of them.  

"Welp...my backs feeling a sight better." As if miraculously cured, Earl shuffled back out of the room and held his hand out for Leroy to pull himself out as well. 

"Hurry up man we gotta git!" 

"Yes of course, right away."  

Leroy and Earl easily outpaced the lumbering dead to the exit of the mine shaft. It was on their way to the trail back to their camp that Earl began. 

"What happened backair...I ain't gonna say a word about it buddy. Couldn't a known or done any better. If it woulda been them zombies at the door...you woulda sure gave em' hell wouldn't ya?....I mean...why didn't the boys say anything?...Never could gettem to shut up in church...It was more like they wanted to git shot you know'd it?" 

" Yeah...I suppose." 

"Yeah well...way I figure it, we just leave out the blasting you gave'em and leave it at zombie food. We got down in the mine shaft and it was too late. The boys was already zombie food. There don't need to be no mention of you mincing em' up like baby food for the zombies...just zombie food. Don't ya figure that oughta be our story Leroy?" 

"Yeah...I reckon so..Earl...thanks man." 

"Hey no problem buddy, it weren't no great loss for anybody...guess it's a pretty big lo-" 

"For the mother?" 

"Yeah..shit...reckon so......EAT LEAD!!!" Earl proceeded to make his hand into a gun and went about the trail pretending to waste an entire army of invisible zombies. Leroy wasn't happy but he was grateful to be alive. He was grateful for his friend Earl. He was also grateful that he wouldn't have to listen to those little shits running wild through the entire church service anymore. 

Comedy Story: I Won't Move My Hand (Special)

I got the call from Lydia, John was back at the farm. Cocksucker was doing what he always did, screaming, breaking shit. This time it was different. He was armed and he was drunk. I grabbed my coat and hit the road in my 07 Ford Focus. The 08 had improved handling but the 07 was familiar to me. I knew it and it knew me. Driving this beauty was like kissing your wife on your 60th wedding anniversary. Didn’t take me long to get to the farm where true to his nature, John was screaming and waving his gun around. Looked like a .357 magnum from where I was standing. I left the car on and the radio playing. It was Summer Wind by Sinatra, what a classic.
“John, do we really have to keep doing this ever fuckin’ weekend?” I asked.
“Hey motherfucker I wanna see both of your hands and I want you to get them up high! You hear me motherfucker!?”
“Yeah I ain’t deaf, and I ain’t gonna show you my other hand.”
“Well…Why the fuck not?”
“Don’t think about that John you have bigger things to worry about...well, not much bigger.”
“Like what?” 
“Well by now Liddie and the girls have probably called the police station. You being drunk, armed and angry. Plus stupid, I forgot stupid.”
“Only one stupid is you and that’s cause you won’t show me your other fucking hand! Now get it up!”
“My hand is right where it needs to be John. You need to listen to me when I say that you’re running out of time.”
“No you are motherfucker! I’m fine…I’m doing real good matterafact cause I’m gonna shoot your dumbass! Haha what’ya think of that?”
“You could shoot me John. Or my hand could come outta this pocket…and you might not have enough time to shoot me. I might have something in this pocket that you don’t want to come out. I might not have enough time, it’s true. You might be too fast, or you might not. But either way, you’re running out of time.”
“You don’t scare me man…I don’t think you even have a gun.”
“Maybe I don’t. Maybe you’re right. But if you keep pointing that gun at me you might just fool around and end up shooting me.”
“Yeah I might just motherfucker! That might be the best thing to happen to me in a long, long time.” He pulled the hammer back on his revolver and grinned.
“John the way I see it, the cops are on the way. So you could shoot me and I’d probably die. That might make you feel real good, but only for a short time. You couldn’t enjoy it too long. The cops are mighty slow so you could probably shoot me and still have some time to make a run for it.”
“Yeah…I recon I might.”
“But if you do that, even these slow cops, that are as dumb as you surely are will find you John. There just ain’t many places you can go up here in these mountains. Police find you up there, that would be the best thing for ya.”
“How so?”
“Well if the cops find ya then it means you weren’t ate by a …mountain lion or a bear…or something else.”
“Wha-what the hell do you mean something else?”
“Well nobody really knows what all is up in them mountains John. You know as well as I do that a lot of people get lost in there where even the dogs and volunteers can’t sniff em’ out.”
“Well…I ugh, well I guess that I… ought not shoot you after all.”
“The best thing would be to put that gun away, forget about me and my other hand and leave this place.”
“Yeah…you’re making a lot of sense Tex. I guess I will put my gun away…long as you don’t plan to shoot me when I do.”
“I already told you John, I don’t wanna bring this hand out of it’s pocket for anybody, even you.” Lydia and the girls were watching from the window, their eyes full of fear. Sirens rang out in the distance and John lowered, then holstered his .357.
“I recon you’re a better man than I figured you for Tex. I’ll just wait for the cops now. Nobody got shot anyhow, couldn’t come down on me too hard, could they?” He slumped onto the wood splittin’ stump and ran his hands through his hair.
“I don’t figure they will John. Nobody got shot after all.”
The cops took John in but before they did, detective Luke Cryasight asked me about my gun.
“I wanna know if you bluffed em’ Tex. Did you really have a piece on ya?”
“Shit no, this coat pocket and the britches I have on have a custom designed tunnel… to my cock. I was flapping my meat hammer for all I was worth the whole damn time. Coping mechanism, you see. I don’t do too well with stressful situations…Well if that’s all ya need from me detective, I’ll be going.” I bid the detective good night, the disturbed and confused look on his face told me that he was finished with his inquiries.

Comedy Story: Terrorist Elephant

An Elephant named Osama Bin Laden died in captivity in India recently. He had rampaged through a small town and killed five people. The town must have been full of patriotism, cheeseburgers and capitalism. Those five people may or may not have coordinated air strikes on Laden's family in his younger years.

Laden was captured and tortured immediately under the guise of an "Obedience Training" method called Kraak. I'm not sure how they pronounce it over there but I am positive that Kraak is the sound that bones make when you are torturing your elephant...for being a terrorist.

Nearly 2,300 civilians have been killed in this ongoing war between India and her Elephants. Only an estimated 700 elephants have died during the same period, to which the supreme commander of all Indian Elephant forces, Brosif Stalen commented "Sick." 

click here for the original article: https://news.yahoo.com/rogue-elephant-dies-captivity-killing-villagers-100507946.html

Comedy Story: Watching Movies With Friends

Watching a movie with friends is a pretty fucking rad way to spend your afternoon. I might be one of those guys that spends 60 years or more tending bar. Which means that I really better find someplace easy to work. It doesn't mean much more than that. In the meantime I will need to find some pass times to help me run out the clock on my life and one of those is watching movies with friends.

Horror movies are obviously the best for this kind of evening. We have, ideally, a very small crowd. We are all under no social pressure to act in a way that isn't true to who we are. Because we are close with these friends and they are real friends. So we can get scared at the chronic masturbator and woman slasher that we see lurking on the TV and also lurking through the shadows in our apartment as we go for a pee break midway through the movie.

Inviting unknown elements into the fun is a must, sometimes. We have a flow, we don't need to fuck with that flow too much. Just a little bit. Inviting someone that we aren't too sure of care be a great way to mix things up, but inviting people should not be a part of the routine. I might spend the next 60 years of my life studying water only to choke to death on a cup of tap water after a pack of peanut butter crackers. But in the meantime, I will have watched a lot of movies with my friends and only sometimes with random, unconfirmed folks. 

Drinking alcohol while we do what we do is a goto for me. In the same way that some guys will tell you that they have a way with the ladies only to die as miserable old virgins, I like to drink. They like to bullshit you and I like to drink. Okay it's not the greatest comparison ever but whatever. If it's a bad night, and by that I mean the group has decided to watch a comedy, then yes I am most certainly going to drink. I just do not enjoy most comedies. I mean, we are hanging out and we're all funny, we make each other laugh. Why would we listen to somebody else for that? I'd rather be scared and then make each other laugh about that.

The guy who talks through a lot of the movie about other shit is not welcome up in this bitch. We are watching the movie and occasionally, OCCASIONALLY providing commentary. If you aren't into the movie, do not try to redirect the whole experience to yourself. Just fucking leave or play on your phone. If you're the guy who does this shit then you are probably also the kind of guy that tells people that you'll own your own business for 25 years without ever even making it to manager at your travel agency. Doesn't stop you from calling yourself director of sales agents. It also doens't stop you from masturbating constantly until the day you realize enough is enough and put a bullet in your head.

Deciding when the movie actually sucks and we have to make our own fun is a subtle skill and indicative of experience. Watching The Shining we barely said anything. It was such a flawless film. We watched some shit during the summer that had a lady take a bath with her dad's dead body. At a certain point it has to be a conversation about "Should we bail on this freaky shit?" or "Woah WTF? Are we about to talk through the rest of this freakshow?" The dead body bath movie had us making a lot of jokes. So we still had a good time. If we would have done that to The Shining then I would have found new friends. But also it would have ruined the movie. It's all about balance. 

Comedy Story: You Cannot Stay Younger For Longer

Anything that tells you that it will help you "stay younger for longer" is total bullshit. If you sit fruit on a table and just revisit it ever so often over the next few weeks, you'll see a perfect example of why attempting to stay young is pointless. Because fruit, like motherfuckers, gets old.

Motherfuckers, of which I and all my friends surely are, get old. This is one of our most simple truths. This is one of the reasons why everyone needs a childhood pet. You love the guy, take care of her as best you can and then one day your dad carelessly crushes her under his truck. My personal trauma aside, you learn that as the years go by it gets harder and harder for the old girl to dodge your idiot father's truck. There are things that we could have done to keep her old bones more limber, but basically my dad needed to care enough to slow the fuck down and look around from time to time. If you ask someone to give a fuck, when they obviously care about nothing, you're just wasting your time....and then burying your dog.

Beauty products are bullshit with bullshit marketing and bullshit ingredients and they tell you to smear the bullshit all over your face and body. The only thing you need is some basic lotion and you use it ever so often or as needed. You shouldn't look young when you are not young. If you're old as shit, you should be fucking people that are old as shit. You don't have anything in common with younger people. And younger people should fuck young people. You don't have anything in common with old people. You could relate to how they love how much money they have and how you would love to share in that love, but you are young and they are not. To the young and the old crowd, Don't fuck each other, it's fucking weird!

I read some bullshit about how if you walk faster you will retain your mind and health better as you get older. My grandmother blitzed around at a break neck pace for an old lady. That was before Alzheimers destroyed her mind. She ate healthy her whole life and stayed active too. And yet, no dice. She got old. Motherfuckers, of which my dear Mammaw was not one, get old. But sweet little fleet footed ladies get old too.

So that was it for the comedy story. I know this is a little shorter than usual for a comedy story but I think it's a complete enough piece. Complete in that when I was asking myself where else should I go with this topic, I came to the conclusion that there wasn't any other avenue that I wanted to explore. Maybe I should never make that conclusion and should have a standard measure for my different types of content. Let me know what you think about that in the comments. I love to keep the spirit of experimentation in my work.

Comedy Story: Just Having A Drink

Having a drink is the kind of thing that can take you from easy going to ruined in only a couple of hours. If you don't believe me then get drunk like you did at your high school parties at a casino. You will be homeless, unemployed and performing sexual favors for a living before the end of the week. I might be over exaggerating or fear mongering. But are you really willing to take that chance just so you can call me a bullshitter? Everyone calls me that anyway and they don't have to reduce their lives to ashes.

Alcohol is a psychoactive, addictive drug that can ruin your life. Drinking until you blackout night after night is not living it up.... okay well it sort of is. But waking up in urine is not living it up. If you passed out outside, then someone besides you might have pissed all over you. Not exactly glamorous eh?

Alcohol is too well integrated into our culture and society for it to be done away with. It shouldn't be done away with either. It is amazing! It's amazing for those that don't get addicted to it. It's pretty much the ultimate relaxer. If you work, and we all do, well even if you don't work, alcohol can make you think that there is nothing wrong with your life. No matter who you are, there are so many things wrong with you. You might be the finest used car salesman in Mississippi but if you can't get off with having your wife viciously stomp your ballbag then you still have something to work on. 

Alcohol is a drug that frees you from your inhibitions and anxieties. That is until they come racing back at you much harder than you ever planned for or imagined. The anxiety that you'll experience as you sober up from your all day, all night bender will make you pine for death. But Death is a mother fucker and he won't kill your dumbass, he'll just let you wreck your 98 honda civic into a family of five......five goats after you smash through a wooden enclosure. I was going to end that after the first five but I don't want to write something that ruins the rest of my day. Just couldn't sell myself on the comedic value of a real life tragedy that happens all the time. If you are one of those animal freaks that thinks that smashing the goat family is just as tragic then go fuck yourself. Goats ain't shit man. 

Hangovers are the sure sign that what you did the day before wasn't good for you. Sometimes a hangover can be so bad that it will make you think that you might be dying. And yet, alcohol is so amazing that most people will get right back into the saddle at the very next opportunity. Abusing alcohol is like making love to an alien that is more powerful than you and you know that it is destroying you but you don't mind because it's so intoxicatingly good. By alien I mean you drunk fucked some psychotic bitch at an anime convention that your nerdy friends asked you to come too. Now you need a new phone number and a new place to live because this bitch was expecting something a little more long term. You also have to spend most of an afternoon blocking her on all forms of social media. 

I stopped drinking for 9 months. I stopped because I needed too and I started back at it because I again felt like I needed to. I've been told numerous times that confessing these two facts are signs that I have a problem. I think the only problem is that I told people those two facts in the first place. As long as it stays with me, nobody will notice me staggering around work and all the inventory shortages from the liquor closet.

Comedy Story: The Pointlessness of Greed

Greed is when you live for and are fueled by nothing more than the pursuit of extra material shit that you don't need. If you work 88 and a 1/2 hours a week and have no family and no real goals other than accumulation, then you are already losing to greed. When your fatass friend comes over uninvited and stays for fucking ever and eats most of what you have in your place, then the bastard is greedy when it comes to your time and when it comes to food. He's also a selfish bastard. You can tell him that to his face and then get yourself some new friends. Just kidding, he might have some other redeeming qualities. But I doubt it.

I fucking hate greed in myself. If you tell me that I can have some of your fries then I might take a fistful of your fries. That is fucked up. Why do I do that? It's like a power thing for me. You could have fries with no salt that haven't been deep fried long enough and I'll still hog them if you give me a chance. It's fucked up man. I will hog your squishy, under-cooked, unseasoned french fries just to symbolically communicate that I'm the man around here.

Rational self interest is the best mindset for every individual. But rational self interest does not involve something like "I want to start an evil corporation that owns the sun and only rations out sunlight to places that can pay our gigantic fee! muahahaha." Which is how big business seems to vibe most of the time. 

Not everyone wants or needs all the exact same things. Excluding things like air, water and food. I don't want to be a professor of economics. But I do want to know enough about economics that I'll be able to realize that if I have a ton of things that nobody cares about, it won't matter how cheap I acquired them. There just won't be a demand for a giant number of worthless things. That's all the depth that I need in order to go about my life. The dark web salesman that emailed me all last week almost had me convinced that I should buy his 7 tons of finger nail clippings in order to start my famous sculpture made out of....finger nail clippings. But I backed out of the deal at the last second. I thought it would be a bad idea when I remembered that I don't know how to make sculptures.

I forgive greediness in others because I know that there is plenty of evil in me. I am the kind of guy that could start the day by agreeing to volunteer at the nursing home and end the day screaming my lungs out at the volunteer next to me because he/she "Doesn't even fucking care!" Caring is not a competitive endeavor. If you go to that shit then you care more than the people that don't go. I'm just an asshole. And I never volunteer anywhere. Because I'm an asshole.

I want people to see that greed is a waste of time. A total waste unless you have a plan for all that you are acquiring. I'm not talking about a social justice cause because that shit is pointless. I mean for the wealthy to plan on owning a country. If you can accumulate more money than the third world combined then just buy the third world. If you're going to be a self destructive money crazed maniac, then go all out. Don't be a pussy and spend it all on yachts and penthouse apartments. Purchase an exploit your own impoverished country! Now that's ambition.

Comedy Story: Irrational Anger at the Past

Sometimes things from the past get to bothering right as I'm trying to drive down the road. Nobody else is is the car, just me and my thoughts that I do not want to get reacquainted with. The thoughts that I want to leave behind are the ones that make me angry. I don't want to be venting about the past in five lanes of traffic with three overly sensitive soccer moms hovering around my car thinking that my rage is directed at them. Then I get flicked off for no reason. I cut them off in order to pay them back. Then I get pulled over and given a ticket. So fuck me. That didn't really happen, but I think it definitely could.

I act out what I "should have done" in the car to show the situation who was really boss. I put "should have done" in quotation marks because I really did what was best and now am just venting like a madman about it. The "Should have done" stuff is always violent and confrontational. Like thinking that I should have knocked every tooth out of the mouth of the guy that shoved me at a party for no reason. Maybe his teeth would've been really sturdy and sharp. I might have ruined my hands while trying to beat him up. Good thing that I just glared at him and then walked on.

Another place where I get angry at the past is when I'm in the shower. Showers should be for masturbating or sex. Also it's a place where you can get clean. But it should never be a place where you pace back and forth pretending to punch and elbow an cocky ghost from the past. You shouldn't pace in the shower because it is dangerous. The only time when it is safe to pace on a wet surface is when you have on non slip shoes. I don't think anybody in the world is stripping naked and then pacing around the shower in their non slip shoes.

Sometimes when I'm being haunted by the ghosts of former anger and resentment, I haul off and punch something. This is the dumbest thing in the world. I make my living with my personality and my hands. Why would I ever take a chance on messing up one of the only two necessary components of that equation? Because emotion, specifically rage, is a powerful thing. It can make you damage relationships in ways that you never thought imaginable. The first time I ever buzzed my head was because I saw myself in the camera at a McDonald's. I was pissed that I had to wait so long for service that I started looking around and ended up discovering I was going bald. That is some bullshit. Although, now I like being bald because it's really comfortable. But you better believe that I was ranting like a madman when I was buzzing off my hair.

I don't need anger management because I never explode in the moment, I only get angry 3 months later when none of it matters. I just need to continue to give less of a fuck each day that goes by. That's the only solution. I am already on enough pills. I have already wasted enough time "talking to someone." I just need to dig deep into my soul and see that nothing is worth giving a fuck about. Then I'll be happy. I might get devoted enough to this idea that one day someone will find my blog and think that it was my religion/philosophy. But it's not anything new and it certainly wasn't my fresh new idea. Diogenes was busy not giving a fuck long before any of us were a thought. There were probably others just similar to him before he was around.

Comedy Story: Take A Breath Before Reading the News

Take a big deep breath, maybe three before you read the news. Taking deep breaths makes me feel better about anything. I don't know if it releases endorphins, but it feels like it does. When I drink a glass of diet Sunkist, I feel like endorphins must've been released. I feel even better when I take deep breaths. I feel great when I get my check from work. So I don't know where and when the spectrum of feeling begins or ends, but I love feeling good. Because I always feel like shit. That would be why I like the good so much. I always go down this rabbit hole, to the point that now it's more like a rattle snake pit where I occasionally dive in and wrestle the inhabitants. Because I'm immune to their poison after so much exposure I guess. Anyway....

 For something that is mandatory when it comes to wanting to know what the world around you is like, this sure is a hard thing to experience. I checked a general news feed, not a search, just a default news page. There were shootings, a rape and enough political nonsense to make anyone puke. I don't know what your politics are, but if you have politics then you are wrong. The idea is to not waste your life on bullshit, c'mon dude!! Or lady. I remember a terrible math teacher that I had once upon a time and she always talked politics. Wow very brave madame Bitch tits, spill your beliefs onto a group of kids that can't possible have a relevant perspective on what you're talking about. This applies to her politics and mathematics. 

We have to check the news because we need to know what is going on around us, but we also have to realize that the news is constantly lying to us. There is nobody out there with the benefit of the people as their only concern. Nobody has the best of intentions for us. We ain't shit to nobody. 

The general public is the thing that you sell to in order to make a lot of money. You can track them and their interests and sell that information to people that want to sell shit to the general public. You also need them to keep working or else they won't be able to afford anything. Then who would you sell too? Rich people? they don't buy anything that isn't going to make them more money later. Their house, clothes and shoes and even their choice of dinner napkins is calculated to turn over the most roi possible.

It seems like it's impossible for regular people to rise into the ranks of the rich. It feels like it's impossible to compete with the people that are at the top. It feels that way, because that's how it is. We can't hope to topple our modern day money empires because we don't all want to devote our lives to that shit. Most of us would snap after the first few months of the misery and then that would be it. One swan dive off your favorite skyscraper or cliff and you're out of there.

It's better to not be on top of the world. These things that people will die for, riches, glory and fame. It's not worth it. I can tell you that, but it doesn't really mean anything. If you want it, you should at least try for it. Just to experience that part of life. The hunt and pursuit of something greater than yourself. Even if the mission is just all about yourself. I am my favorite topic too, don't feel bad or selfish. Just take a few breaths before you do anything though. Doing so has kept my crazy ass from doing a lot of shit that could have been disastrous.

The kinds of things that put you into the warped, fucked up news feeds that we look at all the time. Take solace in the fact that it's always been this way. Humans are the problem of humans. We've always been raping, killing and enslaving each other. There is just no way around it, humans suck ass. 

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Comedy Story: Travel is Overrated

Travel is overrated for people like me who hate travel. If you know that you are like me then do not listen to the boobs out there that want you to spend all your money going places where you don't want to go. Just stay home.

I spend most of my time working. If I were to travel then I would be spending all my time working, so that I could have enough money to go somewhere that is not my home. But all I really want is to go back home. I don't want to party all night, or hook up with some wild broad and live dangerously, I want to go home. 

"But it's an experience that will widen your horizons!!" or some shit like that. You know what else broadens your horizons? Reading a fucking book. There are so many books in the world, if you read a tenth of a tenth of a percent of them your horizons would be fucking huge. And you'd never have to see any of what you read about in person because humans have this really cool feature preinstalled called an imagination. 

Travel is expensive, the library is free as long as you're not one of those dumbasses that doesn't return the books on time. How fucking hard is it to keep the receipt that they give you and just read it ever so often so that you'll know when to return what is not yours? It's not that fucking hard. 

Most of the people who rave about how great travel is actually have a miserable time traveling. But they spend so much money on it that they have to try and convince themselves that it wasn't totally miserable. You have to do something in order for the buyer's remorse to not take over your life.

 Yes you might meet the love of your life, but you also might never fall in love and be out $2,800. OR a whole lot more than just $2,800. You could be out $2,800 and have herpes. That would be way worse that just staying home and watching a basketball game Friday night. Then ignore your alarm and sleep in all day on Saturday. That is what you call an unbeatable combo. 

In all honesty, you should travel if you want to travel. I'm not going to stop you. I'm not going to stop anyone from doing anything. I want to be one of those guys that starts a blog and then becomes a millionaire from it and then just pretends to care about things online when in reality I masturbate 12 times a day and have a gym membership just to hit on girls. 

 One of the best experiences of my life happened because I wasn't yet aware of how miserable travel is and I went to Denmark and met somebody who would I now consider family and love very much. So if you think you should travel maybe you should. But if you have a miserable time don't lie about it to yourself or anyone else. 

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Comedy Story: Blogging is Stupid

Not going to lie to you all, blogging is pretty fucking stupid. I find myself juggling ideas like "how do I make a giant tomato monster bust into a burger joint for some ironic revenge?" That's the kind of thing that means you are wasting your life by most estimations.

The blog makes me work harder than ever before at my day job because I am hoping to do something that matters somewhere else than inside of my apartment. I'm always writing in the dark with a hood on, nobody comes over because nobody wants to. I take a jerk off break every 45 minutes or so. Kind of fucks up the actual workflow. And leads to a non insignificant level of soreness.

Blogging is a very isolating experience. Sure it's practice for what I want to spend the rest of my life on, but being alone with it all the time reminds me of how alone I am in this life. I'm not too keen on being alone with my thoughts when they stray into the territory of "Why do I go on living this unexamined life?" I prefer to giggle to myself about the prospects of a Godzilla sized taco fighting a Godzilla sized tofu taco.

But I can't always get to that realm. Sometimes I'm stuck in the bullshit world of not wanting to go anywhere, do anything, but still thinking about what I should do, or should be doing. Then regretting it all but doing nothing. So, I'm wasting my fucking time thinking about how I'm wasting my fucking time. And in the end, mostly just wasting my fucking seed and my fucking tissues.

I am proud of my blog and I've enjoyed writing it for the most part. Sometimes I wish I could do more than just make a few people laugh on the internet. Maybe I could solve world hunger by building a two Godzilla sized tacos, one of ground beef and the other of tofu. I could accomplish two great goals, put on the greatest show ever witnessed and feed millions of starving people. Then all the inadequacy issues that have haunted me my whole life would just waft away. Nothing like an impossible fantasy to distract you from your crushing reality.

At first I was trying to monetize this thing and then try to make my living at it. But that just seems impossible honestly. Nobody wants to click a fucking clickbank link. Nobody wants to try any of that shit and I don't feel good about pushing it on people. I'm the only one that has clicked my Amazon ads and that was only to make sure that they were working. So maybe I need a new strategy for that kind of thing. Or maybe I should just write jokes and shut the fuck up about money. If someone thinks that I'm good enough, then I'll get paid. I'm not good or experienced enough yet, so that hasn't happened. There is no point in me trying to hork worthless shit onto my audience like a sleazy used car salesman.

I was hoping that this blog could be one aspect of my body of work as a comedian. I think it still will, because I have already made up my mind to devote the rest of my life to comedy and show business. I love laughter and making people laugh is my only goal. So if I stopped the blog it would not fix anything or make me feel any better about anything, it would be totally stupid. But a voice inside of me does say "Nah just quit dude, you suck we both know it." By that logic, if I really wanted to lose weight I guess I'd blog from a communist nation or the third world. Maybe starving to death would help me to appreciate my world a little better.

I'm not going to stop writing on this blog. I love it and I appreciate the people who read it. I have been in a rut like you wouldn't believe lately, so here's to getting out of that. If I can't climb out of it on my own, I'll go to the old stand by, 3 White Russians in the morning and 4 rounds of Scotch at night. Good night, Miss, good night. Or good morning, whenever you read this, here is an implied friendly greeting for whatever the fuck time it is where you are.

Comedy Story: You Can Leave My Life

I am not ever going to change who I am at my core. The restaurant menu at the core of my soul has no room for modifications, alterations or the mixing of unrelated menu items into one chef's nightmare. My menu cannot be changed for women, friends or loud mouthed Baptist preachers. They can all believe that I'm going to Hell, what they believe doesn't matter. How you are perceived doesn't matter when it comes right down to brass tax. I know what I've done and who I really am, that's all that matters. When I tell you that I want to marry the real life equivalent of the character Ada Wong from the Resident Evil series, you know that I'm a crazy person. But I am a crazy person that I can live with.

I am a repellent for liars and fakes that can't tolerate knowing what they are. If you want someone who will cater to you and your fragile ego then I'm just not the guy. I tell the truth about myself, I'm not going to then turn right around and buy the bullshit that you spout about yourself. Being friends with me when you are like that is like having an insatiable appetite for McDonald's breakfast while also having positively no tolerance for stomach pain. It's just not going to work.

I am really very much alone in my walk through life. Alone when being with someone means being able to tolerate bullshit. I've already had experiences with the best people out there. I remember what it was like when I didn't have to listen to drunken blabbering at 2am from some alcoholic broad that thinks she takes care of an old woman that doesn't need her. How do I know that one doesn't need the other? Well the old lady kicked the young lady out for six months. If you take care of someone, but they don't need you for six months, then you don't take care of them. I took care of my grandmother for 3 years and if I would have left her for 6 months, at any time, she would have been dead when I got back. That's just how dementia works. You can't lie to me and if you do, and then I find out about it, then you won't lie to me again. I've already known the best people, and they don't do that shit. 

I do have an understanding of what makes people tick and I know what makes me tick. If you can't tolerate someone who operates with that information and is willing to say it all out loud, then I am not for you. Being with me is like adding a full bottle of angostura bitters to a caramel macchiato. If you don't know what angostura bitters taste like, well they are bitters. So they taste a bit bitter and that is what I am. If you're a caramel macchiato then you don't want bitter in you, period.

Yes I hurt feelings all the time, I have been called evil, I've been slapped, punched, knocked out, spit on, attacked with knives and shot at. I am hated by some people. But I don't care. I can live with myself and that's all that matters. I am a guy who can start out on a mission to make myself a delicious Belgian waffle and end up googling how to treat 3rd degree burns from mishandling my coffee machine. My clumsiness has nothing to do with what I've been talking about here, but my hand still really fucking hurts.

I will never change, when I'm shot or stabbed to death or whatever it is, I won't go into that last good night ashamed or embarrassed by the way that I've lived, because I was honest. It would be far more likely that I would drink myself to death on accident. That last line makes me hope that my mother doesn't read this material. All that I have done, I have done it my way. If tomorrow I was convinced that apple butter makes the best hair gel, I'd probably not live and die by that one small aspect of life. But I would need some serious proof to refute my belief about apple butter as hair gel. I would also need someone to test the new theory for me as I am bald. The point of all this rambling was to make someone out there laugh. But also to remind any of those that thought that a few mean texts or a slap or punch or whatever you thought would end me, will not end me. You can leave, I don't care. People want to be around me, there will never not be more of those people. 

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