I am sure there are people out there that do, very much so want to work for the power company. I am positive that there are people who would find dealing with tools, wires, cables, drills, hammers and geometric manipulation software shit to be...electrifying.There are plenty of people who are capable of and willing to work for the power company. This is a highly sought after job. The baby boomer who keeps coming around and telling me that I, comedy writer and bartender extraordinaire should work for the power company can stick all of the power companies in America up his ass.
I don't know how many times I have to communicate that I already love what I do. What I do is wake up, jack off, eat a snack, jack off again, message a broad on Tinder, schedule a new blog post, answer an email, take a nap, write half of the next blog post and then go to work where I sexually harass my middle aged dish washer named Bill. I don't need to change and I don't want a wife and kids and benefits and all that shit. I have health insurance and a good job that pays well and keeps me happy. Why on Earth would I change from that?
Because this guy who should be proud of me and care that I don't care to hear his advice, is not proud of me. When it comes to the reasonable request of "I love what I do, please leave me alone." He becomes completely deaf. Family, the people that you should always have your back, in reality, do not. Sometimes they will take the shirt and skin off your back but they will only rarely protect said back. This is why family, a unit that you should seemingly never ignore, is precisely the people that you should ignore when it comes to your life. The same extends to friends, buddies, acquaintances, customers and whatever category you place church family in. I put them in the irrelevant category. As it pertains to how you live your life, you are the only important person. God is a deity, so that doesn't count in this instance because it's implied that deity always wins.
I am the only important person, not the game show host on TV that I am pretty sure is trying to send me coded messages. The email scammer that just wants me for my money and doesn't have any intention of sending me 55 million dollars no matter how many times I pay his advance fee of 300 bucks. I'm not being selfish here, I'm being practical. I can't help the whole world or even my family and friends to be honest. But I can help myself. Asking any more of someone than that is selfish.
Showing posts with label Stories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Stories. Show all posts
Comedy Story: The Only Reliable Reporting
Scientists at the Academy of Internets have found that the public has become "bored" with the news of mass shootings and killings in general. Today's news consumer wants a new kind of crime, something a bit more creative. "Where are all the crossbow killers? The home made improvised toaster grenades? The death by weaponized hair blower? Today's mass shooters and murderers lack innovation and creativity." This quote from Meg "The Stare" Beanbitter of Asheville, NC who is widely considered to be one of the more sketchy people in a town of literally only sketchy people. Quite the accomplishment, to be sure.
Waffle House has reported that 70% of their annual income is thanks to drunks coming into their restaurants at 3:55am, ordering 16 menu items at roughly 37 dollars total and then passing out in the bathroom before the food is ready. Waffle House plans to build cushioned, self cleaning bathroom floors in all of their restaurants in order to better accommodate these most valuable patrons. The self cleaning aspect will be performed by a robotic sex doll that can provide "lifelike oral sex" and clean up vomit with the same high level of proficiency.
Single mothers under the age of 20 at the Institute of Decision making are finding that men are just as uninterested in supporting them as their parents were in loving them. Most of them find solace in reading poetry, learning new skills and neglecting their child's emotional and physical needs. "I mean, he's one now...so stop pooping everywhare. Gawd." This from basic bitch number 9,000 who claims to be a Christian on her Tinder profile.
Those experienced in living will tell you that nothing can be learned from not trying, not caring or from listening to what a first year Philosophy student has to say.
McDonald's has come clean about their plans to destroy health and wellness with every meal that they serve. Current CEO Chris Kempczinski released this statement "It was all for the laughs mostly. I mean, look at all these fat fucking people!! Oh yeah, besides the laughs it was for the money. The ungodly amounts of money that people will spend on fat, grease and sugar. I mean holy shit. How have they not caught on yet?" Experts believe that McDonald's can expect a 12% increase in profits this quarter in spite of the CEO's statement. This is because the statement will make them feel sad and the feeling of sad will send them right back to the drive through.
Comedy Story: A Summary of the News
Today I've got some updates for you and a general summary of the news. From the Council of Matters Pertaining to Gloom and or Doom, the best way to be kind to yourself during terminal illness? Suicide. The best way to be kind to yourself during chronic illness? Talk to a therapist, take your meds and remember that the world has turned it's back on you. High profile criminals in isolation chambers that get blasted into space for the rest of the galaxy to deal with are not as alone as you are. Also, mindfulness can help to put things into perspective, such as your unyielding solitude.
The biggest math convention in the world just wrapped up in Dayton, Ohio on Saturday. The event proved once and for all that even if nobody sees the event happen, it did still happen. One would think that this development will shed more light on falling trees in the woods and the sounds that they make.
Iran came clean about shooting down a Ukrainian plane full of Iranians and Iranian-Canadians. Their prior stance was "Nuh uh." Upon learning that the plane was full of Iranians and Iranian-Canadians Minister of Terrorist Activities, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei admitted "ah fuck...well...probably all infidels anyway."
President Trump warned Iran to stop killing their protesters. My gender fluid, white neighbor who is pursuing a BFA in pottery and already has over $100,000 in student loan debt believes that this is a bit too judgmental on Trump's part as he has in fact said rude things about women in the past.
"Am I an alcoholic?" is the number one search phrase for first time dramatic underage drunk teenagers and Barefoot guzzling basic bitches in college. The least likely to search the phrase? Homeless drunks on the side of the road.
The biggest math convention in the world just wrapped up in Dayton, Ohio on Saturday. The event proved once and for all that even if nobody sees the event happen, it did still happen. One would think that this development will shed more light on falling trees in the woods and the sounds that they make.
Iran came clean about shooting down a Ukrainian plane full of Iranians and Iranian-Canadians. Their prior stance was "Nuh uh." Upon learning that the plane was full of Iranians and Iranian-Canadians Minister of Terrorist Activities, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei admitted "ah fuck...well...probably all infidels anyway."
President Trump warned Iran to stop killing their protesters. My gender fluid, white neighbor who is pursuing a BFA in pottery and already has over $100,000 in student loan debt believes that this is a bit too judgmental on Trump's part as he has in fact said rude things about women in the past.
"Am I an alcoholic?" is the number one search phrase for first time dramatic underage drunk teenagers and Barefoot guzzling basic bitches in college. The least likely to search the phrase? Homeless drunks on the side of the road.
Short Funny Story: Breakthrough In Evolution Science
Major breakthroughs in evolution science from the year 2019 confirm "There were more hairy dumb dumbs than we originally thought." This quote comes from the most brilliant mind in looking for irrelevant information. Some of the ancient humans were able to have sex with homo sapiens. A process that repeats itself today every time an intelligent woman allows herself to be picked up by a meathead douche bag at the bar.
While the science of finding these kinds of breakthroughs is improving, the artist renditions of the newly discovered people continue to convey as much information as a well constructed sock puppet. Maybe in 2020 we'll have something looks like it might have been human and not yarn and paper mache.
Studies that have not nor ever will read have determined that Neanderthals were intelligent enough to bury the dead, take care of the wounded and make art. Art with the same skill and creativity that you've witnessed if you've been to one undergrad art demonstration.
Here's the link to the story that inspired this story: https://www.thevintagenews.com/2019/12/30/human-evolution/
If you enjoyed this piece then do me a favor and tweet this fresh hot take.
While the science of finding these kinds of breakthroughs is improving, the artist renditions of the newly discovered people continue to convey as much information as a well constructed sock puppet. Maybe in 2020 we'll have something looks like it might have been human and not yarn and paper mache.
Studies that have not nor ever will read have determined that Neanderthals were intelligent enough to bury the dead, take care of the wounded and make art. Art with the same skill and creativity that you've witnessed if you've been to one undergrad art demonstration.
Here's the link to the story that inspired this story: https://www.thevintagenews.com/2019/12/30/human-evolution/
If you enjoyed this piece then do me a favor and tweet this fresh hot take.
Comedy Story: 48 Year Old Beach Body Broad
There is no bigger waste of time than to click articles about famous women in bikinis. Why do these articles exist? Because motherfuckers click them. Women click them because they want to feel jealous or because they want to critique. Men click them to tease themselves I guess. But there is an endless stream of naked women within reach, visually, if you are willing and able to open your incognito browser and look for them.
This kind of almost nudity won't get most people off. That is the job of porn. These kind of articles will never stimulate you mentally. That is the job of philosophy. So what I really want to click is a porn video where a guy dressed as Socrates nails a 48 year old beach body broad in the temple of Athena. This would take place after a 40 minute exchange of dialectics. Feel free to steel that idea, perfect ideas should be realized no matter who is doing the realizing.
Usually I am immune to these stupid fucking ads. But sometimes, if it seems freaky enough, or there is the chance to see some old broad that has spent millions on not looking like an old broad, then I'll check it out. But it's more so for the freak show aspect of it than anything else. What's so bad about getting old? I don't mind going bald and having grey hair on my head and my beard. I am also pretty fat nowadays. It doesn't matter. There are women who are attracted to my lack of self concern and self awareness for that matter. So pretty much no matter how ugly you make yourself, there is a woman out there that will still dig it.
If you make comments about the appearance of others then you are almost certainly insecure about how you look. This does not include describing somebody as the fat guy or the fat chick. Sometimes those are perfectly reasonable descriptions and really no other description would suffice in that situation. In the same way that if there are 23 people in a room and only 1 of them is black, and that's the guy that you need to talk to, I will tell you to talk to the black guy. We are all way to busy to stumble over a description of the pattern of his shirt or the styling of his hair/beard. You are looking for the black guy.
Anyway, beach babes that are old enough to not have kids anymore are not interesting to me. But they are to somebody. Just like how I will never click an article about an especially large geyser explosion, the geyser explosion and the 54 year old beach babe clickers might not be clicking on my site. But I hope they do, and they are welcome too. Maybe they have tremendous insight into something I could have never imagined. Either way, we only have so much time to live so let's not waste it. Do what you like.
This kind of almost nudity won't get most people off. That is the job of porn. These kind of articles will never stimulate you mentally. That is the job of philosophy. So what I really want to click is a porn video where a guy dressed as Socrates nails a 48 year old beach body broad in the temple of Athena. This would take place after a 40 minute exchange of dialectics. Feel free to steel that idea, perfect ideas should be realized no matter who is doing the realizing.
Usually I am immune to these stupid fucking ads. But sometimes, if it seems freaky enough, or there is the chance to see some old broad that has spent millions on not looking like an old broad, then I'll check it out. But it's more so for the freak show aspect of it than anything else. What's so bad about getting old? I don't mind going bald and having grey hair on my head and my beard. I am also pretty fat nowadays. It doesn't matter. There are women who are attracted to my lack of self concern and self awareness for that matter. So pretty much no matter how ugly you make yourself, there is a woman out there that will still dig it.
If you make comments about the appearance of others then you are almost certainly insecure about how you look. This does not include describing somebody as the fat guy or the fat chick. Sometimes those are perfectly reasonable descriptions and really no other description would suffice in that situation. In the same way that if there are 23 people in a room and only 1 of them is black, and that's the guy that you need to talk to, I will tell you to talk to the black guy. We are all way to busy to stumble over a description of the pattern of his shirt or the styling of his hair/beard. You are looking for the black guy.
Anyway, beach babes that are old enough to not have kids anymore are not interesting to me. But they are to somebody. Just like how I will never click an article about an especially large geyser explosion, the geyser explosion and the 54 year old beach babe clickers might not be clicking on my site. But I hope they do, and they are welcome too. Maybe they have tremendous insight into something I could have never imagined. Either way, we only have so much time to live so let's not waste it. Do what you like.
Short Funny Stories: Randomized Musings
I listened to a horror story where the main character got sick and then his whole body rotted off of him. He raked his flesh off and had all kinds of craziness going on. Made me sick more than anything. I had never had a piece of media make me literally gag, but that story in particular got me there.
If I've ever flown a WW2 bomber in a piece of entertainment in order to destroy the Nazi's, then I've surely also ate pizza bites to the point of satisfied gluttony. All that to say, I like to waste time. Video games, laziness, books for entertainment. I like to waste time. But it's only time wasting if you don't learn something from it. I have learned that if I budget some time out for enjoying these hobbies, then I'll be able to produce way more professionally. But if I do too much in the way of hobbies, then I'll be miserable. So it's best to keep learning in life. It's pretty much the biggest key.
I've been reading the book version of The Shining. Honestly, I don't buy the idea that King had a masterpiece and then Kubrick changed everything around to make a decent movie. King had a decent horror novel that lacked in plausibility. Kubrick made a masterpiece out of that. Jack in the book seems to be a character that we are supposed to be sympathetic to, but I just don't buy it. He hurt his kid and then thrashed the student. The story lacks the subtlety and dread that the movie conveys. Jack isn't sympathetic in the movie, he's just a total madman that we watch lose his shit. That Jack Torrance is the one I can believe in.
If I've ever flown a WW2 bomber in a piece of entertainment in order to destroy the Nazi's, then I've surely also ate pizza bites to the point of satisfied gluttony. All that to say, I like to waste time. Video games, laziness, books for entertainment. I like to waste time. But it's only time wasting if you don't learn something from it. I have learned that if I budget some time out for enjoying these hobbies, then I'll be able to produce way more professionally. But if I do too much in the way of hobbies, then I'll be miserable. So it's best to keep learning in life. It's pretty much the biggest key.
I've been reading the book version of The Shining. Honestly, I don't buy the idea that King had a masterpiece and then Kubrick changed everything around to make a decent movie. King had a decent horror novel that lacked in plausibility. Kubrick made a masterpiece out of that. Jack in the book seems to be a character that we are supposed to be sympathetic to, but I just don't buy it. He hurt his kid and then thrashed the student. The story lacks the subtlety and dread that the movie conveys. Jack isn't sympathetic in the movie, he's just a total madman that we watch lose his shit. That Jack Torrance is the one I can believe in.
Comedy Story: They Are All Shit
I want the US government to continue to shit itself on the national stage until they finally just give up and start bringing in people with actual solutions. Trump can get impeached, I don't care. Hilary can go to jail, I don't care. I would be happy if both of those things happened and also, Michael Jackson raped all those kids.
Fuck the news and fuck all the people that soak it in and worry about tomorrow. None of that shit matters. A complete moron and a stooge like Trump is proof that the position of president doesn't mean anything. If he argued with me on this point he'd come up with a marketing slogan for my least appealing factors and then steam roll me in front of a rabid crowd of supporters. My slogan might be "Austin in his college apartment, no degree." Or "Undergraduate Austin at age 30." Jokes on you cocksucker I ain't going back to college.
Bill Clinton and his side bitch killed all those people. Doesn't matter what they say or what anybody says. I believe only the worst about our stupid fucking leaders. What a joke. Why can't ultra powerful public figures have the same suicidal tendencies that our 15 year olds have today.
For all of those cunts that are suing Trump for sticking his hand in the clam all uninvited, why can't one of you have been carrying a gun? Are there no NRA members among the high profile whores of the world? I would think of all the people in the world, that group should have as good a justification for owning a gun as anybody.
Bill Cosby drugged and raped all those bitches too. Nobody that is in the public eye is any good. Except Anthony Hopkins, nobody can fault that man. He's literally untouchable and if you find evidence to the contrary then don't link it to me as that would obliterate my whole world. Honestly, I would vote for Anthony Hopkins to be president because I'm no better than anybody else that makes a hero out of somebody that they don't know. I know that he couldn't fix all my problems but he would at least lend some dignity to the position. He'd act like a great president at the very least. (Yes the act part was a pun and I laughed out loud at it when I wrote it.)
America will always be the land of the free, home of the brave. No matter how many idiots are out there trying to make it look bad. I love this country but I don't love it's figures. I love the motherfucking truck drivers, the geologists and the nurses and even the fucking lawyers. But I don't want even one more second of my life to go to waste having to listen to how great some public figure is when we know they are all shit. Because they are all shit. But not Hopkins.
Fuck the news and fuck all the people that soak it in and worry about tomorrow. None of that shit matters. A complete moron and a stooge like Trump is proof that the position of president doesn't mean anything. If he argued with me on this point he'd come up with a marketing slogan for my least appealing factors and then steam roll me in front of a rabid crowd of supporters. My slogan might be "Austin in his college apartment, no degree." Or "Undergraduate Austin at age 30." Jokes on you cocksucker I ain't going back to college.
Bill Clinton and his side bitch killed all those people. Doesn't matter what they say or what anybody says. I believe only the worst about our stupid fucking leaders. What a joke. Why can't ultra powerful public figures have the same suicidal tendencies that our 15 year olds have today.
For all of those cunts that are suing Trump for sticking his hand in the clam all uninvited, why can't one of you have been carrying a gun? Are there no NRA members among the high profile whores of the world? I would think of all the people in the world, that group should have as good a justification for owning a gun as anybody.
Bill Cosby drugged and raped all those bitches too. Nobody that is in the public eye is any good. Except Anthony Hopkins, nobody can fault that man. He's literally untouchable and if you find evidence to the contrary then don't link it to me as that would obliterate my whole world. Honestly, I would vote for Anthony Hopkins to be president because I'm no better than anybody else that makes a hero out of somebody that they don't know. I know that he couldn't fix all my problems but he would at least lend some dignity to the position. He'd act like a great president at the very least. (Yes the act part was a pun and I laughed out loud at it when I wrote it.)
America will always be the land of the free, home of the brave. No matter how many idiots are out there trying to make it look bad. I love this country but I don't love it's figures. I love the motherfucking truck drivers, the geologists and the nurses and even the fucking lawyers. But I don't want even one more second of my life to go to waste having to listen to how great some public figure is when we know they are all shit. Because they are all shit. But not Hopkins.
Short Funny Story: Creepypastas are Great
I love creepypasta stories the way that crack head loves coke. I can go through hours of them with no breaks. I'm always amazed at the talent these writers demonstrate. I really believe that the next Stephen King is out there writing a short story where a family in the woods is being attacked by a giant zit monster from space. Or a serial killer. Whatever.
I find that a lot of creepypastas are about isolation and paranormal stuff. Things that you expect from the horror genre in general. In general you expect the horror genre to be hilariously unscary or too terrifyingly real. House of the Dead is a movie that is hilariously unscary but is terrifyingly boring. Resident Evil 6 the movie is one of the greatest comedies that has ever been made. Both of these fine examples of what a film should not be are based on video games. The games are way better.
I loved one that I listened to where the guys went to the moon but they weren't supposed to. The big reveal was that aliens had told us to stay put on Earth, or Else. But we didn't listen of course. Anyway, they are great. A lot of them have to do with serial killers too which is always great. I've only met one person that I truly believed was a psychopath and I never want to meet another one. But I'll be damned if I don't consume 88 hours a week of psychopath related fiction and non-fiction in books and movies. Maybe it's been 2 psychopaths for me, and no I've never dated one but that would have been a great easy joke to make.
I find that a lot of creepypastas are about isolation and paranormal stuff. Things that you expect from the horror genre in general. In general you expect the horror genre to be hilariously unscary or too terrifyingly real. House of the Dead is a movie that is hilariously unscary but is terrifyingly boring. Resident Evil 6 the movie is one of the greatest comedies that has ever been made. Both of these fine examples of what a film should not be are based on video games. The games are way better.
I loved one that I listened to where the guys went to the moon but they weren't supposed to. The big reveal was that aliens had told us to stay put on Earth, or Else. But we didn't listen of course. Anyway, they are great. A lot of them have to do with serial killers too which is always great. I've only met one person that I truly believed was a psychopath and I never want to meet another one. But I'll be damned if I don't consume 88 hours a week of psychopath related fiction and non-fiction in books and movies. Maybe it's been 2 psychopaths for me, and no I've never dated one but that would have been a great easy joke to make.
Short Funny Story: Words From the Sentient Empty Shell
I trimmed my beard for the first time in about 3 weeks. Feels good when your face doesn't feel weighed down. I also love how there are always some beardless plebs that tell me "Ah bro you should have kept it bro. That beard was almost alpha bro."
If I wanted to prove my alphaness I would work much harder to earn a huge living. Then I would tell everyone, but more specifically every hot waitress that I came across how much money I make. Seems like hot waitresses really turn on a guy with a lot of money and power. I prefer the waitress that strictly adheres to mise en place.
Then I'd brag too much on my way out of the restaurant and get taken out by the biggest fan of the recent Joker movie. But at least I would be dead then and not later. That's supposed to be a punchline about how it sucks to go on living. But I don't think it works unless you're a sentient empty shell like myself.
If I wanted to prove my alphaness I would work much harder to earn a huge living. Then I would tell everyone, but more specifically every hot waitress that I came across how much money I make. Seems like hot waitresses really turn on a guy with a lot of money and power. I prefer the waitress that strictly adheres to mise en place.
Then I'd brag too much on my way out of the restaurant and get taken out by the biggest fan of the recent Joker movie. But at least I would be dead then and not later. That's supposed to be a punchline about how it sucks to go on living. But I don't think it works unless you're a sentient empty shell like myself.
Comedy Story: Went to the Wrastlin'
Forest, a friend of mine and I went to a local professional wrestling event a few months back. I haven't written about it till now because I was too busy trying to wash the smell of cigarette smoke and desperation out of my clothes.
The first guys to go up were pretty professional I think. I don't watch wrestling so I'm not sure what I should have been looking for. But the crowd cheered the loudest when they were on and they did the most flipping around and falling off of things, so I assume that means they were the best.
A lot of people in the crowd shouted at the wrestlers and they all had characters. Some were clearly good guys and others were clearly bad guys. The most obvious instance of this was when they had a really, really gay guy wrestled a 15 year old girl. The girl won and the gay guy was arrested for obscenity. Which in rural NC just means "No fags aloud at the wrastlin'."
There was a duo that dressed up as a Space Jam theme. They were supposed to be the kid friendly group. I don't have kids but if they were fans of something as lame as that I would trade them in for some new kids.
Overall it was a lot of fun to watch the wrestlers do crazy things, then react to the audience reacting to the wrestlers. There is a zero chance that I'll ever attend another event like that again. But at least now I know for sure that I hate the experience, instead of just being pretty sure that I hate it.
One last thing about the place, everyone that I thought would be there, was there. Wife beaters and camo will never go out of style in the county where I live, if this event was any indication.
The first guys to go up were pretty professional I think. I don't watch wrestling so I'm not sure what I should have been looking for. But the crowd cheered the loudest when they were on and they did the most flipping around and falling off of things, so I assume that means they were the best.
A lot of people in the crowd shouted at the wrestlers and they all had characters. Some were clearly good guys and others were clearly bad guys. The most obvious instance of this was when they had a really, really gay guy wrestled a 15 year old girl. The girl won and the gay guy was arrested for obscenity. Which in rural NC just means "No fags aloud at the wrastlin'."
There was a duo that dressed up as a Space Jam theme. They were supposed to be the kid friendly group. I don't have kids but if they were fans of something as lame as that I would trade them in for some new kids.
Overall it was a lot of fun to watch the wrestlers do crazy things, then react to the audience reacting to the wrestlers. There is a zero chance that I'll ever attend another event like that again. But at least now I know for sure that I hate the experience, instead of just being pretty sure that I hate it.
One last thing about the place, everyone that I thought would be there, was there. Wife beaters and camo will never go out of style in the county where I live, if this event was any indication.
Short Funny Story: Fatties and Their Brains
Recently Scientists have found that obesity can destroy important parts of the brain. The part that is already broke is the "I'm fucking full already" mechanism.
They think that the fatter you get the harder it is to control appetite. As you get fatter, your brain rewards the behavior that is making you fatter. That's the sort of positive reinforcement that most big eaters never got from mom and dad.
The scientists started looking into this phenomenon because teens and children are way fatter than they are supposed to be. Some of the fat fucking holy rollers that I grew up with should have been missionaries in Africa. Could have solved the lack of Lord lovin' out there and slimmed down a couple hundred pounds. You can't eat fried foods 6 days a week when there are no foods to fry.
For actual information check this out: https://www.rankred.com/obesity-could-damage-important-parts-of-the-brain/
They think that the fatter you get the harder it is to control appetite. As you get fatter, your brain rewards the behavior that is making you fatter. That's the sort of positive reinforcement that most big eaters never got from mom and dad.
The scientists started looking into this phenomenon because teens and children are way fatter than they are supposed to be. Some of the fat fucking holy rollers that I grew up with should have been missionaries in Africa. Could have solved the lack of Lord lovin' out there and slimmed down a couple hundred pounds. You can't eat fried foods 6 days a week when there are no foods to fry.
For actual information check this out: https://www.rankred.com/obesity-could-damage-important-parts-of-the-brain/
Comedy Story: Cheer Up and Carry On
First of all I'd like to say fuck me. I have 3 places for relaxation set up in my apartment and only one workstation. I have a bed, a spot on the floor to relax on and a recliner. My desk where I do all my work sometimes doesn't get used at all but I can play video games or watch horror films from all 3 of the other positions. Let me inform you that this apartment is a studio apartment. So there isn't much room in here but I've definitely made room for plenty of relaxing.
Nobody can work all the time indefinitely without any repercussions. I don't even want to work more than I do. I'm just saying that when there is a que of shit that needs to get done in my life...I'm never surprised. I put stuff off, it's as simple as that. I have made plenty of plans and all that results in is me taking out my trash sooner than expected.
My dishes and bills pile up. My shower and toilet are usually really clean. I don't organize things all that well. But my hooker decapitating station is always really clean...Hmm maybe I should take that part out. Nah...nobody misses hookers.
When I do allow things to pile up I make one short list and spend an entire day getting everything done on that list. This is an emotional but also rational solution. If I insist on getting everything done on the list then I will have everything that I need to get done, done. But I also do it for the endorphin release that I get from completing objectives in real life the way that I do in video games. I also feel good about following my list in public as if it is of critical importance for the preservation of the union when really I'm just picking up toilet paper and Diet Sunkist.
I am doing just fine. Plenty of people love me and I them. I'm not in a hurry to be a billionaire and I don't live everyday like it's my last. I'm doing just fine because I'm edging my way into a dream career one day at a time. I'm also going at a pace where I won't burn out. That's the most important part to me. Maybe you feel stressed about where you are in the pursuit of your dream. Well, we can only take it one day at a time. So cheer up and carry on.
Nobody can work all the time indefinitely without any repercussions. I don't even want to work more than I do. I'm just saying that when there is a que of shit that needs to get done in my life...I'm never surprised. I put stuff off, it's as simple as that. I have made plenty of plans and all that results in is me taking out my trash sooner than expected.
My dishes and bills pile up. My shower and toilet are usually really clean. I don't organize things all that well. But my hooker decapitating station is always really clean...Hmm maybe I should take that part out. Nah...nobody misses hookers.
When I do allow things to pile up I make one short list and spend an entire day getting everything done on that list. This is an emotional but also rational solution. If I insist on getting everything done on the list then I will have everything that I need to get done, done. But I also do it for the endorphin release that I get from completing objectives in real life the way that I do in video games. I also feel good about following my list in public as if it is of critical importance for the preservation of the union when really I'm just picking up toilet paper and Diet Sunkist.
I am doing just fine. Plenty of people love me and I them. I'm not in a hurry to be a billionaire and I don't live everyday like it's my last. I'm doing just fine because I'm edging my way into a dream career one day at a time. I'm also going at a pace where I won't burn out. That's the most important part to me. Maybe you feel stressed about where you are in the pursuit of your dream. Well, we can only take it one day at a time. So cheer up and carry on.
Short Funny Story: Troubling Myanmar
Myanmar has had to form a legal team in order to defend itself against accusations of mass rape, mass murder and systematic torturing. Myanmar seems to be going a long way to avoid being called...liberal.
I want to point out that the population of Myanmar is overwhelmingly Buddhist. So to all the Buddhists in Asheville, NC which seems to be overwhelmingly Buddhist, stop acting like you are actual Buddhists. I think we both now know that the main tenets of Buddhism are meditation, enlightenment and wholesale slaughter. So if you're going to claim Buddhism, you better get to rapin' and killin'.
I want to point out that the population of Myanmar is overwhelmingly Buddhist. So to all the Buddhists in Asheville, NC which seems to be overwhelmingly Buddhist, stop acting like you are actual Buddhists. I think we both now know that the main tenets of Buddhism are meditation, enlightenment and wholesale slaughter. So if you're going to claim Buddhism, you better get to rapin' and killin'.
Short Funny Story: BPD, Not A Laughing Matter
Of all the mental illnesses that you might have, people with BPD are the most likely to have endured childhood trauma. It's kind of impossible nowadays to know what a trauma really is, because some people can be traumatized by the election of a president. I would think the unsolicited grabbing of your pussy by a strange orange man might be traumatizing, but his election to run the country... not so much.
Anyway, BPD sufferers out there can be more at ease with talking to a professional about their issues as recent scientific findings indicate that your psycho parents do not work at your shrink's office. But they might follow you there and wait for you in the parking lot. Even if they are dead.
But seriously, get help because we all want to live well, have good relationships and beat homeless people senseless.
Comedy Story: The Kneeling Quarterbacks
Colin Kaepernick is a guy that makes the NFL cringe. He had a ton of athletic ability and the skills to lead a team to the super bowl...one time. Ever after that he has pretty much stunk. He got benched and then started kneeling for...cop killers and the rest is history. Oh wait, I think I might've gotten wrong.
Actually his protest shined the spotlight on police brutality and hopefully will result in some positive social change. Anyway, the media wants so badly to have him around to talk about again that I would move that they have conspired to create his audition for NFL teams, engineered his workouts, fed him and provided him with in depth espionage of all NFL strategies so that he would have a bargaining chip to get himself signed again, if his skills on the field weren't enough.
He worked out and now 2 teams as of my writing this are apparently interested. One where the owner doesn't give a fuck about how things look, which would be a real positive for Kaepernick. The other is a team that is trying to make it to the Super Bowl but they don't have a good enough quarterback. Well K was able to get a tremendous 49er team to the big game, but that was when he was still very much in the game. There could be a good deal of rust on those already questionable skills.
But I am in favor of a team signing Kaepernick and if they do, I want them to sign Tim Tebow too. I Want all three quarterbacks on the field at the same time. The qb that they have now, Tebow and Kaepernick. Both Kaepernick and Tebow could run, throw and probably catch. So just think about all the misdirection you could accomplish on offense. You could call it the hydra setup. Plus the media coverage and revenue from attendance would be astronomical. Whatever teams there are out there that want to take of the league, just give it a shot. I'm telling you that is the football team that we all want to see.
Actually his protest shined the spotlight on police brutality and hopefully will result in some positive social change. Anyway, the media wants so badly to have him around to talk about again that I would move that they have conspired to create his audition for NFL teams, engineered his workouts, fed him and provided him with in depth espionage of all NFL strategies so that he would have a bargaining chip to get himself signed again, if his skills on the field weren't enough.
He worked out and now 2 teams as of my writing this are apparently interested. One where the owner doesn't give a fuck about how things look, which would be a real positive for Kaepernick. The other is a team that is trying to make it to the Super Bowl but they don't have a good enough quarterback. Well K was able to get a tremendous 49er team to the big game, but that was when he was still very much in the game. There could be a good deal of rust on those already questionable skills.
But I am in favor of a team signing Kaepernick and if they do, I want them to sign Tim Tebow too. I Want all three quarterbacks on the field at the same time. The qb that they have now, Tebow and Kaepernick. Both Kaepernick and Tebow could run, throw and probably catch. So just think about all the misdirection you could accomplish on offense. You could call it the hydra setup. Plus the media coverage and revenue from attendance would be astronomical. Whatever teams there are out there that want to take of the league, just give it a shot. I'm telling you that is the football team that we all want to see.
Short Funny Story: Independent Kids, Uninterested Parents
A couple in Laredo Texas weren't paying attention when their toddler drowned in the bathtub. I think if you are the kind of people that think that a toddler can safely bath himself, then you must also believe we have secret lizard people aliens running the government. I say all that to say, you are fucking crazy.
Toddlers cannot be trusted to eat soft foods unsupervised. Kids that young cannot safely play with toys on their own. Even though it's fun to play with, you might have a kid that wants to know what it would be like to eat his favorite action figure. Bada bing bada boom you have a trip to the emergency room on your hands.
When the couple found that the kid was dead they decided to dissolve his remains in a rubber tub full of acid for later disposal. I tell ya, back when I was that age I thought time out and spankings were pretty bad. Never knew that dissolving in a vat of acid was a possibility. Anyway the dad ratted out the mom and the OTHER 4 KIDS have been taken to child services. How the fuck did these incompetent fucks manage to keep 4 other kids alive? The article said that the other 4 kids are ages 1 to 11 but that doesn't mean that they don't all have careers already. If your parents are as uninvolved as these parents were then you are probably a really independent kid. The oldest is probably a tax preparer and a damn good one too.
Short Funny Story: Pretty Much the Greatest Job Ever
There is a company out there in the world today that wants to pay people 3000 dollars a month to smoke and review marijuana. This is the type of good news that should eradicate the perspective of the atheist. For if such a job can exist, then there must really be a God.
All you have to do is smoke, eat edibles and then critique and blog about what the experience was like. This is the sort of thing that plenty of stoners have been doing all their life anyway. So the level of expertise in this field is going to be top tier in no time.
The only downside is that you have to live somewhere where weed is legal in order to work for these folks. But if you don't live somewhere where it is legal, then you are certainly living somewhere where you can get weed...sketchily. So go out on the town and risk your life by conversing with all manner of creepy, dark weirdos and find yourself an armed street merchant who will hook you up. He'll also fucking kill you if you double cross him...but those are just his words, not mine. Then take your weed home and try it out, do all the stuff that the job wants you to do, then when you move to a place where it's legal, you'll already have a portfolio. Easy Peasy
Click here to check the website out: https://americanmarijuana.org/cannabis-dream-job/
All you have to do is smoke, eat edibles and then critique and blog about what the experience was like. This is the sort of thing that plenty of stoners have been doing all their life anyway. So the level of expertise in this field is going to be top tier in no time.
The only downside is that you have to live somewhere where weed is legal in order to work for these folks. But if you don't live somewhere where it is legal, then you are certainly living somewhere where you can get weed...sketchily. So go out on the town and risk your life by conversing with all manner of creepy, dark weirdos and find yourself an armed street merchant who will hook you up. He'll also fucking kill you if you double cross him...but those are just his words, not mine. Then take your weed home and try it out, do all the stuff that the job wants you to do, then when you move to a place where it's legal, you'll already have a portfolio. Easy Peasy
Click here to check the website out: https://americanmarijuana.org/cannabis-dream-job/
Comedy Story: Visualization and Happiness Link
It seems like every time a neuroscientist decides to get rich they just put out some kind of Law of Attraction bullshit. I don't give a fuck how interesting the micro machines in my brain say that my imagination is. I don't care if you find it physiologically, psychologically and philosophically pleasing to pretend to smile until you really are happy. That is fucking stupid. I don't want to be happy that badly. I don't want to pretend anything unless I really am acting. I want to do exactly how I do and change nothing.
I want people to realize that it's not the changes that you make to yourself that make you. It's the improvements and mastery level of your skills that make you. What can you contribute? If you are thinking about, working on or otherwise fucking with something other than your skills, then you are wasting your time. Stop trying to think that there is just some kind of fix all ideology that if you follow it just right you will live successfully. NO! Okay that's enough text yelling. What I'm getting at is that whatever it is that you want to do, you should be practicing that thing and working out all the ins and outs of that thing.
If you start working on your thing and you never stop, then by God you'll get pretty good at it just so long as you aren't killed before you get the chance. Men, don't waste your time on women and women, don't waste your time on men. Be gay. Just kidding, love whoever you want. But don't worry about finding and securing that love unless you have already mastered something. The skills that you can offer the world, the mastery that you have obtained will provide a good living for you. There are no poorly paid masters in the world. I'm not referring to a college degree there either. Once you are a master of whatever you chose, you will be paid. Once you are paid then you can be in love and build a family and whatever the fuck else you want.
I've typed all this shit just to say, stop fucking up your life. Start the road to mastery today and don't fuck with love tips, sex advice articles or self help books. Figure out what you love and master it.
I want people to realize that it's not the changes that you make to yourself that make you. It's the improvements and mastery level of your skills that make you. What can you contribute? If you are thinking about, working on or otherwise fucking with something other than your skills, then you are wasting your time. Stop trying to think that there is just some kind of fix all ideology that if you follow it just right you will live successfully. NO! Okay that's enough text yelling. What I'm getting at is that whatever it is that you want to do, you should be practicing that thing and working out all the ins and outs of that thing.
If you start working on your thing and you never stop, then by God you'll get pretty good at it just so long as you aren't killed before you get the chance. Men, don't waste your time on women and women, don't waste your time on men. Be gay. Just kidding, love whoever you want. But don't worry about finding and securing that love unless you have already mastered something. The skills that you can offer the world, the mastery that you have obtained will provide a good living for you. There are no poorly paid masters in the world. I'm not referring to a college degree there either. Once you are a master of whatever you chose, you will be paid. Once you are paid then you can be in love and build a family and whatever the fuck else you want.
I've typed all this shit just to say, stop fucking up your life. Start the road to mastery today and don't fuck with love tips, sex advice articles or self help books. Figure out what you love and master it.
Comedy Story: Leroy and Earl Save Church (Special)
"Earl, how many shots you got left?"
The situation was dire. Leroy knew that, he knew that this might be a one way trip for him. But he wasn't quite ready to die yet. So many whiskeys left to try. Plenty girls left out there for him to go out with. Only question these days was where do we go out to?
"Got ugh... 8 between ma pistol and the shotty." Earl conveyed this information with his standard confused look. What didn't confuse this man? Leroy wandered.
"Good, we need to conserve them as best we can. Earl.. I ugh...well you see...this might be the end and I just wanted to say that...."
ERRAHHHHH!!! A spine tingling screech ripped through the night air and Leroy knew mortal terror. Earl in the meantime stared blankly at Leroy until he asked
"You were ugh...saying something weren't ya there Leroy?"
"You were ugh...saying something weren't ya there Leroy?"
"Yeah I was just saying...well whatever man, let's get a move on."
It had been a cold hard 5 years after the nuclear zombie bombs from Tanzania were dropped all over the world. Apparently there had been some confusion about which controller was controlling the release of nuclear zombie bombs and which one was the controller for the virtual reality video games that the prime minister spent most of his working hours on. And thus, humanity is destroyed by the biggest, ragiest rage quit of all time. But that was then, Leroy and Earl had to think about how they would rescue miss Marcy's two kids from the abandoned mine shaft. A mine shaft that Leroy and Earl had been luring zombies into with rotted meat and then shoving them down the highest drops in the mine.
"Was a good plan, our little setup here? Weren't it a good plan to trick the zombies and shove em' down the shaft? Sorry miss Marcy, didn't figure your brats would wanna get down in there and play with the things." Earl muttered to nobody in particular. They had made it into the mine and were following the ceiling lights that Earl was able to get working on a prior mission.
"It was a good plan Earl, errh ahhh!!" Leroy lost his footing and tumbled further down the mine shaft than he had ever been before. He frantically rummaged around the on the floor for his flashlight. The darkness hugged him like an aunt with abandonment issues.
"Shit shit shit! What the fuck, oh what the shit!" Leroy hissed to himself
"Don't have a shit hissy thar buddy. I got more than one flashlight packed." Earl joined Leroy with two working flashlights in tow.
"You jackass! We only have two flashlights in the first place! You took mine." Leroy snatched the flashlight away from a bewildered Earl.
"Well.. weren't it a good thing that I ACCIDENTALLY, and I do mean ACCIDENTALLY took your flashlight? Seeing as how you took a mighty hard tumble down this here mine shaft? Coulda broke the other flashlight all to shit. Then we'd had to huddle together and be two shivering idiots down here. The kids mighta had to of rescued us."
"Whatever, thanks for packing the flashlights. Let's get a move on, this could turn really bad, really fast. "
Earl nodded and motioned forward with his flashlight and gun pointing the way. He moved the way Navy Seals in movies do. Only exception being that Navy Seals in movies don't run out of breath and weeze loudly after a few minutes of brisk walking.
"Could you keep it down! You sound like the big bad wolf over there." Leroy hissed at Earl who responded
"Shit...I don't even....know why I have to be....here...they ain't my kids....anyhow. Why my kids wouldn't ever fall down a zombie filled....mine shaft....They'd know better....little shits are always...piping up in church....I'd gettem learned on...that too....need a good ass blistering...that's all..."
"Okay let's take a break. You need to catch your breath and we haven't seen or hear-"
ZZZZZZPSCHHH BEEP BEEP BEEP
"Ah what the shit. Ello this is Earl, whatya need?" It was Earl's radio picking up from halfway to the center of the Earth somehow. The sudden noise had almost ended Leroy. He wondered how much more his nerves could take.
"Oh Merla called? How's she doing? Is her boy the one they put in charge of the communal vegetable garden back in the spring? Yeah...yeah...boy couldn't grow a damn thang I tell ya."
"Do we have time for this Earl?" Leroy could never understand the limitless enjoyment that Earl could derive from his mundane chats with his wife. Even though the world had ended, Earl still had plenty of bullshit to complain about with his wife. If you listened in on their pillow talk you'd probably wonder if they weren't zombies to begin with.
"Just a minute Leroy. Now did I hear that correct, you said that school teacher don't believe in God no more? You figure it's the unbearable hopelessness that might set in when somebody has nothing to live for but they gotta keep on living anyhow? Yeah well...could be I reckon....yeah...yep.... is that right?...they did what?....well praise the Lord honey....well.....yep.....I figure as much....nah the hemorrhoids hadn't acted up on me in a while....well it sure was sweet of you to think about me honey. I'll ring ya back when I get on out of here with my three screaming kiddies."
Uproarious laughter could be heard over the radio from Earl's wife. Earl got in a few good hearty chuckles too.
"Hey I gotta go now honey bun. Love you too, bye bye. Hey sorry buddy, I just knew she'd get a kick out of that."
"Indeed. Well let's move alo-"
ERRAHHHHH!!! "AHHH NO! DON'T COME ANY CLOSER!" This time the howl of the dead was accompanied by the screams of the kids.
"Come on they must be close!" Leroy and Earl took off sprinting towards the noise. Leroy could feel deep down that this was the moment he had been waiting for all of his life. He would rescue the kids! He would save the day and be the hero that a his underwhelming life had prepared him to be! Just then the floor gave way and Leroy and Earl tumbled into a sealed away room. When they had dusted themselves off a bit they could see that it must have been some kind of storage room.
"Shiiiieeet far. I ugh...uuuummmphhh! I've gone and thrown out my back Leroy. We have shit and fell back in it now brother."
"No kidding." Leroy scanned the room, looking for an exit. There was the way they came in and a door that would lead them to God only knows where.
"We should work together to climb out of here."
"You don't...Oh Lordie...wanna go out the...door?" Earl asked.
"We don't know where the door could lea-" Just then a WHAM WHAM WHAM at the door jolted the men.
"Leroy...less a miracle takes place...I won't be climbing it'all. We gotta shoot whatever is on the other end of that door and find ourselves a way up from there. Less you plan on leaving me to die."
Leroy's mind raced, he did consider leaving Earl to die. I mean, he was so irritatingly dull. But no he couldn't do that.
WHAM WHAM WHAM
Leroy panicked even harder. What could he do? He had to shoot. He had to shoot! But he couldn't shoot just once, he had to let loose and empty every shell in his shotgun.
WHAM WHAM WHAM
These zombies wouldn't know what hit them.
"Eat....LEAD!!!" Leroy screamed as he closed his eyes and blazed away at the door with his pump shotgun.
"DIE DIE DIE!!!" Leroy lost himself in the moment of his final stand. His adrenaline pumped, his chest filled with courage. Maybe he would die today but he would not go quietly into that goodnight! And then, just as quickly as the melee had begun it was over. As the smoke cleared, Earl had this to say.
"Good grief Leroy...you done saved the zombies and shot the kids."
All down the hallway it was plain to see. Miss Marcy's two little rats had been at the door and only now had the zombies down the hallway taken notice of them.
"Welp...my backs feeling a sight better." As if miraculously cured, Earl shuffled back out of the room and held his hand out for Leroy to pull himself out as well.
"Hurry up man we gotta git!"
"Yes of course, right away."
Leroy and Earl easily outpaced the lumbering dead to the exit of the mine shaft. It was on their way to the trail back to their camp that Earl began.
"What happened backair...I ain't gonna say a word about it buddy. Couldn't a known or done any better. If it woulda been them zombies at the door...you woulda sure gave em' hell wouldn't ya?....I mean...why didn't the boys say anything?...Never could gettem to shut up in church...It was more like they wanted to git shot you know'd it?"
" Yeah...I suppose."
"Yeah well...way I figure it, we just leave out the blasting you gave'em and leave it at zombie food. We got down in the mine shaft and it was too late. The boys was already zombie food. There don't need to be no mention of you mincing em' up like baby food for the zombies...just zombie food. Don't ya figure that oughta be our story Leroy?"
"Yeah...I reckon so..Earl...thanks man."
"Hey no problem buddy, it weren't no great loss for anybody...guess it's a pretty big lo-"
"For the mother?"
"Yeah..shit...reckon so......EAT LEAD!!!" Earl proceeded to make his hand into a gun and went about the trail pretending to waste an entire army of invisible zombies. Leroy wasn't happy but he was grateful to be alive. He was grateful for his friend Earl. He was also grateful that he wouldn't have to listen to those little shits running wild through the entire church service anymore.
Comedy Story: I Won't Move My Hand (Special)
I got the call from Lydia, John was back at the farm. Cocksucker was doing what he always did, screaming, breaking shit. This time it was different. He was armed and he was drunk. I grabbed my coat and hit the road in my 07 Ford Focus. The 08 had improved handling but the 07 was familiar to me. I knew it and it knew me. Driving this beauty was like kissing your wife on your 60th wedding anniversary. Didn’t take me long to get to the farm where true to his nature, John was screaming and waving his gun around. Looked like a .357 magnum from where I was standing. I left the car on and the radio playing. It was Summer Wind by Sinatra, what a classic.
“John, do we really have to keep doing this ever fuckin’ weekend?” I asked.
“Hey motherfucker I wanna see both of your hands and I want you to get them up high! You hear me motherfucker!?”
“Yeah I ain’t deaf, and I ain’t gonna show you my other hand.”
“Well…Why the fuck not?”
“Don’t think about that John you have bigger things to worry about...well, not much bigger.”
“Like what?”
“Well by now Liddie and the girls have probably called the police station. You being drunk, armed and angry. Plus stupid, I forgot stupid.”
“Only one stupid is you and that’s cause you won’t show me your other fucking hand! Now get it up!”
“My hand is right where it needs to be John. You need to listen to me when I say that you’re running out of time.”
“No you are motherfucker! I’m fine…I’m doing real good matterafact cause I’m gonna shoot your dumbass! Haha what’ya think of that?”
“You could shoot me John. Or my hand could come outta this pocket…and you might not have enough time to shoot me. I might have something in this pocket that you don’t want to come out. I might not have enough time, it’s true. You might be too fast, or you might not. But either way, you’re running out of time.”
“You don’t scare me man…I don’t think you even have a gun.”
“Maybe I don’t. Maybe you’re right. But if you keep pointing that gun at me you might just fool around and end up shooting me.”
“Yeah I might just motherfucker! That might be the best thing to happen to me in a long, long time.” He pulled the hammer back on his revolver and grinned.
“John the way I see it, the cops are on the way. So you could shoot me and I’d probably die. That might make you feel real good, but only for a short time. You couldn’t enjoy it too long. The cops are mighty slow so you could probably shoot me and still have some time to make a run for it.”
“Yeah…I recon I might.”
“But if you do that, even these slow cops, that are as dumb as you surely are will find you John. There just ain’t many places you can go up here in these mountains. Police find you up there, that would be the best thing for ya.”
“How so?”
“Well if the cops find ya then it means you weren’t ate by a …mountain lion or a bear…or something else.”
“Wha-what the hell do you mean something else?”
“Well nobody really knows what all is up in them mountains John. You know as well as I do that a lot of people get lost in there where even the dogs and volunteers can’t sniff em’ out.”
“Well…I ugh, well I guess that I… ought not shoot you after all.”
“The best thing would be to put that gun away, forget about me and my other hand and leave this place.”
“Yeah…you’re making a lot of sense Tex. I guess I will put my gun away…long as you don’t plan to shoot me when I do.”
“I already told you John, I don’t wanna bring this hand out of it’s pocket for anybody, even you.” Lydia and the girls were watching from the window, their eyes full of fear. Sirens rang out in the distance and John lowered, then holstered his .357.
“I recon you’re a better man than I figured you for Tex. I’ll just wait for the cops now. Nobody got shot anyhow, couldn’t come down on me too hard, could they?” He slumped onto the wood splittin’ stump and ran his hands through his hair.
“I don’t figure they will John. Nobody got shot after all.”
The cops took John in but before they did, detective Luke Cryasight asked me about my gun.
“I wanna know if you bluffed em’ Tex. Did you really have a piece on ya?”
“Shit no, this coat pocket and the britches I have on have a custom designed tunnel… to my cock. I was flapping my meat hammer for all I was worth the whole damn time. Coping mechanism, you see. I don’t do too well with stressful situations…Well if that’s all ya need from me detective, I’ll be going.” I bid the detective good night, the disturbed and confused look on his face told me that he was finished with his inquiries.
“John, do we really have to keep doing this ever fuckin’ weekend?” I asked.
“Hey motherfucker I wanna see both of your hands and I want you to get them up high! You hear me motherfucker!?”
“Yeah I ain’t deaf, and I ain’t gonna show you my other hand.”
“Well…Why the fuck not?”
“Don’t think about that John you have bigger things to worry about...well, not much bigger.”
“Like what?”
“Well by now Liddie and the girls have probably called the police station. You being drunk, armed and angry. Plus stupid, I forgot stupid.”
“Only one stupid is you and that’s cause you won’t show me your other fucking hand! Now get it up!”
“My hand is right where it needs to be John. You need to listen to me when I say that you’re running out of time.”
“No you are motherfucker! I’m fine…I’m doing real good matterafact cause I’m gonna shoot your dumbass! Haha what’ya think of that?”
“You could shoot me John. Or my hand could come outta this pocket…and you might not have enough time to shoot me. I might have something in this pocket that you don’t want to come out. I might not have enough time, it’s true. You might be too fast, or you might not. But either way, you’re running out of time.”
“You don’t scare me man…I don’t think you even have a gun.”
“Maybe I don’t. Maybe you’re right. But if you keep pointing that gun at me you might just fool around and end up shooting me.”
“Yeah I might just motherfucker! That might be the best thing to happen to me in a long, long time.” He pulled the hammer back on his revolver and grinned.
“John the way I see it, the cops are on the way. So you could shoot me and I’d probably die. That might make you feel real good, but only for a short time. You couldn’t enjoy it too long. The cops are mighty slow so you could probably shoot me and still have some time to make a run for it.”
“Yeah…I recon I might.”
“But if you do that, even these slow cops, that are as dumb as you surely are will find you John. There just ain’t many places you can go up here in these mountains. Police find you up there, that would be the best thing for ya.”
“How so?”
“Well if the cops find ya then it means you weren’t ate by a …mountain lion or a bear…or something else.”
“Wha-what the hell do you mean something else?”
“Well nobody really knows what all is up in them mountains John. You know as well as I do that a lot of people get lost in there where even the dogs and volunteers can’t sniff em’ out.”
“Well…I ugh, well I guess that I… ought not shoot you after all.”
“The best thing would be to put that gun away, forget about me and my other hand and leave this place.”
“Yeah…you’re making a lot of sense Tex. I guess I will put my gun away…long as you don’t plan to shoot me when I do.”
“I already told you John, I don’t wanna bring this hand out of it’s pocket for anybody, even you.” Lydia and the girls were watching from the window, their eyes full of fear. Sirens rang out in the distance and John lowered, then holstered his .357.
“I recon you’re a better man than I figured you for Tex. I’ll just wait for the cops now. Nobody got shot anyhow, couldn’t come down on me too hard, could they?” He slumped onto the wood splittin’ stump and ran his hands through his hair.
“I don’t figure they will John. Nobody got shot after all.”
The cops took John in but before they did, detective Luke Cryasight asked me about my gun.
“I wanna know if you bluffed em’ Tex. Did you really have a piece on ya?”
“Shit no, this coat pocket and the britches I have on have a custom designed tunnel… to my cock. I was flapping my meat hammer for all I was worth the whole damn time. Coping mechanism, you see. I don’t do too well with stressful situations…Well if that’s all ya need from me detective, I’ll be going.” I bid the detective good night, the disturbed and confused look on his face told me that he was finished with his inquiries.
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