Shot Glass Thought: How to Quickly Prove You are a Basic Bitch Online

I'll level with you, I've never really enjoyed Facebook. Nowadays I use it exclusively for Search Engine Optimization purposes. I didn't enjoy it back when I first started using it in my early teens and I probably never will enjoy it. It just sucks. Tards that I knew in high school use the platform to advertise the pyramid scheme that they are currently helping out with.

I've even been one of those tards back in the day when I tried to supplement my income by selling Herbalife shit. But I was 19 and off my fucking nut. It's more understandable given those circumstances. These folks I read for about 2 minutes each day are in their 30's and 40's. People that I might have looked up to back in the day. These folks aren't doing shit with their life. They aren't chasing a dream or doing something that means something. They are just regular fucking people contributing nothing and that really kind of just tires me out.

The most sure fire way to quickly prove that you're a basic bitch online is to share some emotional, redemption story bullshit post that is 8,000 words of absolutely nothing worth reading. Because it's all made up and exists to market some fucking product. They are appealing to your emotions. If those things ask for donations then they are almost certainly scams. I don't know that for sure but you should take some serious considerations as to what you donate to online. I pretty much only donate to Wikipedia and that's only when they ask me once per year.

But yeah you're definitely a basic bitch and proud of it if you share one of those "guilt you into paying for something" posts. Most of the time when you try to make the world a better place in a large sweeping kind of way, you make the world worse. Look at welfare, it's a cancer on the people who really do need help. It's considered to be help, but it doesn't help. This is why I don't focus on saving the world from my keyboard. I save my money and work hard so that if I can do some good, I'll be able to.

This is the way that you can assist people, being available to help others that are around you. Don't think for one second that retweeting or clogging everyone's feed with your bullshit posts about mental health and poverty actually helps anyone. Most of the cunts, be they male or female that post about the tragedy of mental health issues would never listen to someone struggling so that they may feel a bit better. They share that bullshit online so that someone will see them sharing it and think "Wow, what a great person that is. I'm so glad for our brief acquaintance. Otherwise I might never have seen this moving post of total fucking bullshit."

In short, don't be a basic bitch online, help people that are around you when you can. Face to fucking face, not at your keyboard with a hoodie and yoga pants on and a half gone jug of fucking barefoot chardonnay. For the same price you could have drank a bottle of Martini and Rossi bubbly you fucking basic bitch. 

Shot Glass Thought: Where is My Life Going?

This was the topic of discussion for me and two good friends of mine. I had pretty much the same conversation on two separate occasions recently. The two friends which I love very much do not know each other and they weren't present for both conversations. Only I was there for both conversations about the meaning and purpose of a life. It is my opinion that our greatest accomplishments and contributions are reflections of our souls. To secure these powerful accomplishments, we must look for the thing that only we can contribute.

If I am to live a full life, one that can send me to my dying day with no regrets, then I must find the one thing that only I can perfectly do. I must be transcendent in my accomplishment in this regard. There is nothing else in my life that is as important as this singular task. Sometimes, people find more than one of these kinds of tasks. Some people are so great that they can complete multiple life defining tasks. All that I know that I must do right now is this: "Austin brought joy to the world." That's what I see as my mission. I cannot unsee this task and I don't want to have something else. I find that this mission is perfectly suitable and I believe that I am up to the task of completing it.

There are many issues and problems of various different natures that make completing these tasks difficult. One of them is having enough money. Maybe I'm not good enough at the skills that are required to complete my task at a transcendent level. Maybe I have a drinking problem, or I'm too depressed. There are many obstacles. Maybe I won't make it to the heights that I am supposed to achieve. But when I go to die, I will have loved wisdom. I will have brought joy to those that I could. I will have loved and been loved. My contributions will have been the results of my best efforts however short I may fall from completing the task. Or maybe I will be a resounding success. I cannot know these things because they are final. I am operating in the space of what will happen and not what has happened.

If I can, with all that I am, be able to bring joy to the world. I do mean the entire world. To get laughs in every country around the world. To put smiles on the faces of the downtrodden, I will have realized my mission and completed it. Whatever monetary rewards should follow from such a feat will be secondary. Perhaps I will die before I ever see the rewards of such a task. This does not matter because bringing joy to others will have been my mission and in that I will have been fulfilled. If I should see it done and draw my last breath, I will be a happy man. Come what may, this is where my life is going.

Shot Glass Thought: Some People Won't Move Out

I don't know why, but there are so many people living with their parents for way too long. I know a few Narcissists that moved back in just to have a consistent group of people to torture. One in particular that stands out is an Instagram model wannabe that celebrates shit like becoming an assistant manager at a makeup company like she just became the first female president. Way to go, enjoy your $15/hr which is way less than most full time servers. She is one of those broads that hangs out in the empty ass mall all day melting her hair out as a demonstration for potential customers. Living the dream yo, keep on hustling till you're bald. I guess then they'll transfer her to the high end doo-rag department. 

It's definitely not all women though, not even close. I know a dude that is in his 30's and he has never moved out and never intends to unless he's getting married. But nobody wants to marry a 33 year old baby. So, he's gonna be living there till his parent's die and probably afterwards too. He's graduated college and has a pretty decent job, plenty of expendable income. Yet, he does nothing. What's the deal? Why do people do this? Is comfort that important to people? I don't know why the narcissist broad or the dumb guy won't grow up. Maybe they've got the same issue, both are incredibly selfish.

I am a loner, live alone, work alone pretty much and chase my dreams alone. Maybe I'll never get to where I want to be. To the place in life that I'm striving to get to, but at least I'm not back home torturing my parents with my constant bullshit. I don't cause constant bullshit, but being at home past the ages of 18 to early 20's is a fucking nuisance. I don't really care what the reasons are for being back with your parents for the long term, move the fuck out. It's not healthy to keep living with them like a baby. Get out here in the world with the rest of us miserable fucks and start cooking your own meals and doing your own shit.

Shot Glass Thought: Life Keeps Going No Matter How Badly You Fail

This is not a message of inspiration. Nor should anyone take heart knowing that there will be more opportunities for them in life no matter how bad they fuck up. This is a reminder that unless your fuck up kills you, you'll have to go on living as a fuck up. Pretty much all the time in life, you'll swing and miss on the most important days of your life. I've already struck out on 2 love of my life candidates. Honestly, I wasn't that close to sealing the deal with either of them. At least with one of them I did my best. I still pester them with my friendship and I'm thankful for that. But you should not be.

My family and teachers wanted me to go off to University and become some kind of great academic and for while, I really gave it my best shot. But I failed, and the reason why I failed is because of a prior failure that I never dealt with. I failed to achieve my own financial independence until I had already left for college. I failed to realize that I had no interest in college and only wanted to become a comedian. So I started drinking and letting that consume me which led to the failure in school and helped to orchestrate the failure with a possible dream come true kind of woman. I have succeeded in becoming a pretty good bartender. I've succeeded in writing tons of jokes and posts for this website. That's pretty much it.

The things that I have accomplished, I am proud of. I am a good friend and a pretty safe driver and blah blah blah. All the peripheral shit I have down. Maybe there is still time to find that third love of my life candidate and maybe she'll be worth all the waiting and sorrow. But the other things that I've failed haunt me everyday. The love I had for basketball and all the injuries that I absorbed from it has left me in chronic pain. All for nothing. The family members that I spent the most time with weren't the ones that I should have been with. I've lost the ones that I should have visited more. The time spent elsewhere, was all but wasted.

Before you ask, yes I'm down in the dumps. I feel so far from where I want to be and I'm only barely out of a miserable situation that required an unbelievable amount of effort to get away from. So what do I do now? I just keep going and try to be kind to myself. I know I'm a failure and piece of shit for the most part. I know I've let down every expectation, but I'll just keep writing jokes anyway. I don't know what advice I can give except keep on moving forward and don't be like me.

Jokes

Murder stories on YouTube responsible for brutal killing of entire workday.

Aloof kitchen sink too far for cotton mouthed stoner.

Ex-Pilot becomes deep sea diver reaching all time low.

I'd have sex with a robot but only if it took me out for cheesecake first. 

Shot Glass Thought: Take a Walk After the Rain and Smell the Air

For anyone that can, taking a walk is always a good thing. Post rain, even better. You don't have to go a crazy long way or make it to a specific target or anything like that. You just walk for a bit in some direction. I find this is the best way to combat depression. Besides doing, like a million other things. But this really helps me. It's not so good that you should stop taking your meds or anything. It's just good. One of the simple things that makes life a little bit better.

Think of all the days where work bitches at you, the TV and the news bitches at you. Your Facebook and your Twitter and your Email are all trying to sell you something or bitch at you. Sometimes it's just too much. If you can safely leave all technology behind and just take a short walk ever so often, you'll find that the world is so much more simple. I am the kind of guy that reads exhaustively. I can pretty much read almost every bit of text that I see everyday without getting tired. That's not a boast, it's just true. At the end of 7 days of reading and checking everything at work and constantly communicating and keeping up with family and loved ones, I'm spent.

I had a friend in HS that could barely read. He was a good dude, didn't think of much. Just liked certain things and people and just went about life, not thinking about things. He'd think about one thing at a time if he did think about something. Now, I couldn't function if I tried to emulate that full time. But ever so often, taking things the way he did can really help ease my mind. Taking a walk if good, but for full mind easing refreshment, take a walk after a rain. Really smell the air and take in all your surroundings. The world, which goes to fast even on it's slowest days, really seems to slow down when I do that.

Here's a couple jokes to compliment this post. I read it back and I didn't really think it was all that funny lol so here you go:

1. Joe Biden to skip the primary in NH by dressing in a frilly dress and skipping around picking flowers in South Carolina.

2. Taliban uneasy about signing peace deal with the US. Taliban leaders base their concerns on a consultation with Native Americans. The topic of discussion was indeed, peace treaties. 

3. Unflappable Syrian soldiers continue their civil war to decide who will rule Syria, a country which is now 78% craters.

Shot Glass Thought: I Want to Learn More About Micro Dosing Psychedelics

Depression fucks you everyday and never asks permission first. It weighs you down and makes you miserable. When I'm depressed, my decision making is worse, my romance dies and my friends think that I'm a different person. At the time of this writing, my meds are being re-evaluated and I'm pretty much making due without them for the time being. So, you may conclude that I feel like shit. You're right, I feel as foul and unproductive as a person can. I'm still doing stuff, but I feel like I'm doing the minimum. 

This is where the micro dosing comes in. I have been depressed for so long that I am ready for something unconventional. I am worried about triggering psychosis because I've had trouble with that in the past. I'm not going to go into great detail, because that's not what this post is about. Though, I think I have referenced it and made jokes about it before. Some of which, were really funny. One story that comes to mind is a time period in my life when I thought that I could fly. Everyday I would wake up brimming with confidence, joy and poorly masked mania because "Today, I'm GONNA FLY!"

The period of consistent delusion is far behind me now. Depression on the other hand, remains. I have taken psychedelics in the past and abused alcohol. But I've never taken small doses of anything. I have heard that micro dosing LSD and shrooms can help you regulate serotonin. That's really the issue right? The serotonin in my brain is fucked? Or maybe, I'm just "A millennial snowflake that can't cope with the real world! Probably a cross-dressing liberal too!". 

No, I'm not any of that. I just feel like complete poo all the time. Although, I suppose that it is true that I struggle with coping with every day life. There are times when it doesn't matter what I do, I just feel awful. Except writing jokes, that's something I always feel like doing if only for a little while. Whatever I decide to do, I'm going to do more research. Not just on this, but on how to be more funny, be a better friend, how to be more wise. So on and so forth. I don't want to make something like this a quick, in-the-moment kind of decision. I'm not the kind of guy that goes out for groceries on Thursday and then somehow ends up married in Vegas by Monday.  

Shot Glass Thought: How to Hate What You're Doing

First of all, get a job. If you're young enough that you've never had a job then you will need one. Jobs help you to decide what repetitive misery you can stand without wanting to die. You will have a lot of jobs until you find something that you can actually stand. When that day comes, you'll be ready for the rest of this post. Step 1 after the prerequisite of having a job or a couple jobs is to make a list of all the good and bad things about your job. Then burn all the good things. This is not the space for positivity. We are going to be terrorizing our fellow employees with constant reminders of how miserable we are. If we can't notice a discernible drop in workplace morale every time we make a round through the workplace then we are not succeeding in our mission.

 Is there anyone that you like to work with at this job? Visit them 3 times a day and talk at length about how miserable you are. Make sure to revisit topics that you've already talked about. Even if you remember discussing them already, talk about them again. Leave your work friend quietly frustrated at the end of every talk. When it comes time to complain in meetings, never say a word. We don't want real change to take place. We just want to make everyone miserable. If you follow these techniques you'll go from job to job always making the place worse. The next level of nightmare that you can make yourself into is to be really good at your job. When you are actually good at what you're doing but you make everyone miserable, there will be some companies out there that will want you. They don't mind having a miserable, near suicidal workplace as long as the bottom lines are met.

So just keep doing everything that I've described here and you'll be set. There is no way that you won't hate what you're doing if you act the way I've described.

Shot Glass Thought: How to Pig Out on Macaroni

My preferred steps are thus: buy a large box of macaroni at the store. Store the macaroni away until bad news is received. Sometimes this can happen right away or it may take a few days but there will be bad news. Put the noodles in boiling water until they feel edible. Don't be a dumbfuck about this step or you'll burn yourself. Now strain the water out of the noodles. Put the noodles back in the pan that you boiled them in. Drop the strange glob of room temperature, never expiring cheese into the pan and stir it until it's macaroni. Next, remember the bad news and forget your diet and health aspirations and eat all of the macaroni in one sitting. Have an unhealthy drink like a soda and a cookie-based dessert for maximum depression.

Shot Glass Thought: Subway Should Give up on Public Relations

Subway, just give up. Stop running commercials, contact a professional who specializes in shutting down a company and let him/her go to work. Your entire brand was built around the weight loss of a disgusting pedophile. Nobody thinks of you as having fresh or healthy food. We just think of you as a giant company that paid a guy outrageous amounts of money and him spending that money on child pornography. Maybe you had no clue he was that way, that's fine. We get it. But it doesn't change the fact that every time we see your stupid fucking commercials, we think "Oh, that's the fat pedophile sandwich company." A pedophile sandwich is the only thing that cannibals will say no to. Besides the fact that we think of you as a giant pedophile sandwich, we are sick of the fucking smell that your restaurant has. Staying in a Subway long enough to get your order is going to make you smell like a spicy jalapeno belch. Doesn't matter if you order peppers or not. You're not healthy either. You serve an entire loaf of bread with every meal. Subway and BK are competing to serve the most mayo each year. And mayo, is not a fucking health food. Neither is BK and neither is Subway. So in short, fuck Subway and your stupid business. Just go away.

Shot Glass Thought: Entrepreneurial Stress

The biggest problem reported among entrepreneurs is the risk of burnout, followed closely behind by self immolation. Most of these business professional profess that their endless drive is the reasoning behind their successes. However, this cannot be true as currently all cars must stop to refuel at some point. One expert recommends relaxation in the form of watching movies, spending time with friends and joining an underground sex cult as ways to blow off steam. Steam being the product of high heat and water, may lead some to wonder if perhaps cooling off is the real solution to entrepreneurial burnout. I prefer to stick my head in the freezer for a few minutes when I get too hot. 

Shot Glass Thought: Me, Generally Speaking

Generally speaking, if you have to say "Come on stop, you're better than this." to someone, then they are not. Also generally speaking, having a raving mad lunatic accost you on the side of the road for money because the government is trying to have him killed is a good way to reflect on what you've accomplished so far in life. I find that it's because when in that situation, I always feel like I'm about to die. There is no polite way to disengage the man or woman. You have to give them some version of "I'm leaving forcefully because I'm afraid of you." But you have to communicate "I'm somehow more dangerous than you, leave me alone or you won't exist much longer." All with your body language I mean. Some people have recommended to me that I just ignore the crazy and walk on like nothing has happened. But that strategy also involves turning your back on a potentially violent and certainly disconnected person. So there doesn't really seem to be a way to win. Well one strategy that might work could be...Eugenics! Yeah, I mean we don't need everybody right? Just kidding, we just need to start kicking the dangerous ones out of the shelters during the coldest nights. No need for sweeping government change, just a local policy adjustment. Keep coming back to this site because I have all the answers, it's just a matter of time before I hand them all out.

Shot Glass Thought: Trump Responds to Embassy Attack

President Trump deployed more troops to the middle east after an attack on a US Embassy. No deaths or casualties were reported on either side, much to the disappointment of the president. "Knew they were pussies." Trump was reported to have muttered to himself upon receiving news of the attack. The president was reported to have then politely issued a statement to the various leaderships of the attacking parties through clandestine channels that there actions were unwarranted, reckless and would result in Nuclear Holocaust if they do not immediately stand down. "Above all else, I will dine on your radiated corpses if you so much as look at my embassy the wrong way." Experts worry that this course of action might escalate the already high tensions internationally to which the president replied: "Knew you guys were pussies."

Shot Glass Thought: Chicago Legal Weed Debut

The first day of legal weed sales in Chicago featured a 6am starting time. "Everyone was happy and optimistic." One local said. However, some thought the waiting in the cold for weed could have been the primary reason for the multiple dead, frozen stoners on the sidewalk. "It's a risk we all take man. Like living...you never know...what could, like happen you know?" Hipsters are by and large ignoring the legal weed dispensaries because they prefer the old school way of almost getting shot, dealing with paranoia and having a relationship with the seller on a personal basis. Lisa Marken, 26 who identifies as a malfunctioning ceiling fan compared the usage of the dispensaries to the modern preference for digital music over record players that even her grandparents were tired of. 

Shot Glass Thoughts: Human Experience is Unjust

Societies can always be improved upon. But there will never be a human world where there is perfect equality and justice. It's impossible. The society of wasps that buzz around a nest is far more in tune and equal than what humans will ever accomplish. Some of us are really competitive. Some people are born into circumstances so bad that they are unfathomable. And yet, they still find a way to become billionaires by the end of their lives. Most people that come from those same terrible conditions will die, having led unremarkable and sad lives. But that's just it. If you went far out of your way to change all of the world, you would have led a sad, unremarkable life. The people at the top are going to stay at the top because they are willing and able to do whatever it takes to stay there. I for one, only want to be a master of one thing, getting laughs. If I wanted to be a master of lording over people and piling more money than I could ever spend, then I would try to master that. But I don't want that, and very few other people really want that. The best we can hope for as far as change goes is for more people in underdeveloped countries to get the chance to live like regular people in America. That's it. Forget all the socialist wet dreams of killing the rich and feeding the poor. Anybody who will kill for money is a tyrant or a tyrant in the making.

Shot Glass Thought: Never Agree

I love to disagree. I don't care what the talk is about, I just want to make sure that me and the other person do not agree. I don't want to agree with my bosses, fellow employees, family, friends or strangers. I will not agree unless there is undeniable evidence or in the case that I really find no fault with what is being said. But in all other cases, I am looking for a way to disagree. Because most people like to be pacified. Everybody likes to be warm and welcoming and everything these days is about acceptance and caring. Fuck that. What I like is achievement and developing your most important skills. Like for me, pretty much all I work on is my bar knowledge and comedy. I practice, read and study in both and am always trying to improve. The other thing that is important to me is wisdom. But that rarely comes up in a direct way. I'm also not prone to going around trying to prove my wisdom in the same way that I work as a bartender and I write and perform comedy. Wisdom is the kind of thing that grows and develops behind the scenes. One of the things that wisdom tells me to not be liked by everyone. Don't try to be it, don't work for it, and don't agree all the time. It's not always wise to listen to what someone else says and to agree with it. Of course it's not always wise to disagree all the time. But I don't disagree all the time, I just disagree most of the time. So anyway, whatever your thoughts are on this post, hit me up in the comments and lets argue about it. 

Shot Glass Thought: Psilocybin Tested

So they've found out that in controlled settings, with the help of a doctor, you can have a therapeutic response to shrooms. Which probably makes sense to anyone with any sense. I heard so, so many times from older morons about the days when they were younger morons about how you could "Take a trip on that shit and...never come back." Yeah, I imagine so, when you've already gotten nearly black out drunk, smoked enough weed to consume an entire factory of Doritos and received a limp blowjob from desperate skank in a desperate house, taking shrooms might not be the best idea. I'm saying it was never meant to be a party drug.

Shot Glass Thought: Too Relatable

I'm pretty much over the super relatable issues that our movie characters go through. I think I'm going to start walking out of movies and turning off shows the second that they introduce a cancer sub plot. I don't need entertainment to be a reminder of my past grief. That's not entertaining, it's the prelude to a therapy session. I don't go to therapy anymore so the whole thing is a great big emotional waste. I don't like superhero movies but I did like Deadpool. That was one movie where the cancer didn't rake hot coals across my heart. At least John Wick had the courtesy to not tell us what Wick's wife was dying of. It was probably cancer, I don't know, but I would rather not know.

Shot Glass Thought: LSD vs Therapy App

More and more you hear of people getting therapy from alternative sources. I don't want anything to do with alternatives sources of therapy unless LSD counts. Further, anything that gets you high as shit. I'm not endorsing drug use...officially. Therapy is supposed to be done between two individuals. Not one person and a cell phone. Stay far away from apps that are supposed to hear out your deepest darkest troubles and just hit the couch with the closest caring professional. Does this have anything to do with Christmas? Well no, it doesn't. But I would like to high as shit. Anyway, Merry Christmas and enjoy your families.

Shot Glass Thought: Truethmas

I am thankful for the opportunity to be thankful. Secondarily, I am thankful for the people that listen to me bitch. I'd like to tell myself that I'm thankful more often than I'm bitching but I'm also trying to stop lying to myself all the time. Things like "We haven't gained that much weight. She really did love me, she just wanted to see the world first. She'll come back. I have lot's of friends and we're all really close." You get the picture. Oh Well, Merry Christmas ya filthy animals.

Shot Glass Thought: Legalize Cannabis Already

Recent polls have shown increased support for legalizing cannabis for recreational use in America. Specialists believe that the numbers would be much lower if they polled your angry, screaming, local Baptist preacher.