I will take Buddha's meditation advice and I am already on his workout regimen.
I don't care for self help books, I prefer manic depressive tutorials instead.
I am more embarrassed to laugh in public by myself than some people are to masturbate in public.
Friends that aren't there for you when you need them were never friends. They were enemies waiting for the chance to stab you. They watch your every move and they pretend to love you...every time it happens the same way. I heard this from.... my toaster...and I've never seen evidence to the contrary.
Orange juice and ginger ale is the best and easiest punch that I make for 1 person...me.
I try to look as unapproachable as possible when I am not at work. I suppose I am an introvert, but I'm mostly trying to stay away from people on the sidewalk... taking surveys.
Six of my new one liners. I wanted to try something different. Let me know what you think.
Short Funny Stories: Randomized Musings
I listened to a horror story where the main character got sick and then his whole body rotted off of him. He raked his flesh off and had all kinds of craziness going on. Made me sick more than anything. I had never had a piece of media make me literally gag, but that story in particular got me there.
If I've ever flown a WW2 bomber in a piece of entertainment in order to destroy the Nazi's, then I've surely also ate pizza bites to the point of satisfied gluttony. All that to say, I like to waste time. Video games, laziness, books for entertainment. I like to waste time. But it's only time wasting if you don't learn something from it. I have learned that if I budget some time out for enjoying these hobbies, then I'll be able to produce way more professionally. But if I do too much in the way of hobbies, then I'll be miserable. So it's best to keep learning in life. It's pretty much the biggest key.
I've been reading the book version of The Shining. Honestly, I don't buy the idea that King had a masterpiece and then Kubrick changed everything around to make a decent movie. King had a decent horror novel that lacked in plausibility. Kubrick made a masterpiece out of that. Jack in the book seems to be a character that we are supposed to be sympathetic to, but I just don't buy it. He hurt his kid and then thrashed the student. The story lacks the subtlety and dread that the movie conveys. Jack isn't sympathetic in the movie, he's just a total madman that we watch lose his shit. That Jack Torrance is the one I can believe in.
If I've ever flown a WW2 bomber in a piece of entertainment in order to destroy the Nazi's, then I've surely also ate pizza bites to the point of satisfied gluttony. All that to say, I like to waste time. Video games, laziness, books for entertainment. I like to waste time. But it's only time wasting if you don't learn something from it. I have learned that if I budget some time out for enjoying these hobbies, then I'll be able to produce way more professionally. But if I do too much in the way of hobbies, then I'll be miserable. So it's best to keep learning in life. It's pretty much the biggest key.
I've been reading the book version of The Shining. Honestly, I don't buy the idea that King had a masterpiece and then Kubrick changed everything around to make a decent movie. King had a decent horror novel that lacked in plausibility. Kubrick made a masterpiece out of that. Jack in the book seems to be a character that we are supposed to be sympathetic to, but I just don't buy it. He hurt his kid and then thrashed the student. The story lacks the subtlety and dread that the movie conveys. Jack isn't sympathetic in the movie, he's just a total madman that we watch lose his shit. That Jack Torrance is the one I can believe in.
Shot Glass Thought: Psilocybin Tested
So they've found out that in controlled settings, with the help of a doctor, you can have a therapeutic response to shrooms. Which probably makes sense to anyone with any sense. I heard so, so many times from older morons about the days when they were younger morons about how you could "Take a trip on that shit and...never come back." Yeah, I imagine so, when you've already gotten nearly black out drunk, smoked enough weed to consume an entire factory of Doritos and received a limp blowjob from desperate skank in a desperate house, taking shrooms might not be the best idea. I'm saying it was never meant to be a party drug.
Shot Glass Thought: Too Relatable
I'm pretty much over the super relatable issues that our movie characters go through. I think I'm going to start walking out of movies and turning off shows the second that they introduce a cancer sub plot. I don't need entertainment to be a reminder of my past grief. That's not entertaining, it's the prelude to a therapy session. I don't go to therapy anymore so the whole thing is a great big emotional waste. I don't like superhero movies but I did like Deadpool. That was one movie where the cancer didn't rake hot coals across my heart. At least John Wick had the courtesy to not tell us what Wick's wife was dying of. It was probably cancer, I don't know, but I would rather not know.
Comedy Story: They Are All Shit
I want the US government to continue to shit itself on the national stage until they finally just give up and start bringing in people with actual solutions. Trump can get impeached, I don't care. Hilary can go to jail, I don't care. I would be happy if both of those things happened and also, Michael Jackson raped all those kids.
Fuck the news and fuck all the people that soak it in and worry about tomorrow. None of that shit matters. A complete moron and a stooge like Trump is proof that the position of president doesn't mean anything. If he argued with me on this point he'd come up with a marketing slogan for my least appealing factors and then steam roll me in front of a rabid crowd of supporters. My slogan might be "Austin in his college apartment, no degree." Or "Undergraduate Austin at age 30." Jokes on you cocksucker I ain't going back to college.
Bill Clinton and his side bitch killed all those people. Doesn't matter what they say or what anybody says. I believe only the worst about our stupid fucking leaders. What a joke. Why can't ultra powerful public figures have the same suicidal tendencies that our 15 year olds have today.
For all of those cunts that are suing Trump for sticking his hand in the clam all uninvited, why can't one of you have been carrying a gun? Are there no NRA members among the high profile whores of the world? I would think of all the people in the world, that group should have as good a justification for owning a gun as anybody.
Bill Cosby drugged and raped all those bitches too. Nobody that is in the public eye is any good. Except Anthony Hopkins, nobody can fault that man. He's literally untouchable and if you find evidence to the contrary then don't link it to me as that would obliterate my whole world. Honestly, I would vote for Anthony Hopkins to be president because I'm no better than anybody else that makes a hero out of somebody that they don't know. I know that he couldn't fix all my problems but he would at least lend some dignity to the position. He'd act like a great president at the very least. (Yes the act part was a pun and I laughed out loud at it when I wrote it.)
America will always be the land of the free, home of the brave. No matter how many idiots are out there trying to make it look bad. I love this country but I don't love it's figures. I love the motherfucking truck drivers, the geologists and the nurses and even the fucking lawyers. But I don't want even one more second of my life to go to waste having to listen to how great some public figure is when we know they are all shit. Because they are all shit. But not Hopkins.
Fuck the news and fuck all the people that soak it in and worry about tomorrow. None of that shit matters. A complete moron and a stooge like Trump is proof that the position of president doesn't mean anything. If he argued with me on this point he'd come up with a marketing slogan for my least appealing factors and then steam roll me in front of a rabid crowd of supporters. My slogan might be "Austin in his college apartment, no degree." Or "Undergraduate Austin at age 30." Jokes on you cocksucker I ain't going back to college.
Bill Clinton and his side bitch killed all those people. Doesn't matter what they say or what anybody says. I believe only the worst about our stupid fucking leaders. What a joke. Why can't ultra powerful public figures have the same suicidal tendencies that our 15 year olds have today.
For all of those cunts that are suing Trump for sticking his hand in the clam all uninvited, why can't one of you have been carrying a gun? Are there no NRA members among the high profile whores of the world? I would think of all the people in the world, that group should have as good a justification for owning a gun as anybody.
Bill Cosby drugged and raped all those bitches too. Nobody that is in the public eye is any good. Except Anthony Hopkins, nobody can fault that man. He's literally untouchable and if you find evidence to the contrary then don't link it to me as that would obliterate my whole world. Honestly, I would vote for Anthony Hopkins to be president because I'm no better than anybody else that makes a hero out of somebody that they don't know. I know that he couldn't fix all my problems but he would at least lend some dignity to the position. He'd act like a great president at the very least. (Yes the act part was a pun and I laughed out loud at it when I wrote it.)
America will always be the land of the free, home of the brave. No matter how many idiots are out there trying to make it look bad. I love this country but I don't love it's figures. I love the motherfucking truck drivers, the geologists and the nurses and even the fucking lawyers. But I don't want even one more second of my life to go to waste having to listen to how great some public figure is when we know they are all shit. Because they are all shit. But not Hopkins.
Short Funny Story: Creepypastas are Great
I love creepypasta stories the way that crack head loves coke. I can go through hours of them with no breaks. I'm always amazed at the talent these writers demonstrate. I really believe that the next Stephen King is out there writing a short story where a family in the woods is being attacked by a giant zit monster from space. Or a serial killer. Whatever.
I find that a lot of creepypastas are about isolation and paranormal stuff. Things that you expect from the horror genre in general. In general you expect the horror genre to be hilariously unscary or too terrifyingly real. House of the Dead is a movie that is hilariously unscary but is terrifyingly boring. Resident Evil 6 the movie is one of the greatest comedies that has ever been made. Both of these fine examples of what a film should not be are based on video games. The games are way better.
I loved one that I listened to where the guys went to the moon but they weren't supposed to. The big reveal was that aliens had told us to stay put on Earth, or Else. But we didn't listen of course. Anyway, they are great. A lot of them have to do with serial killers too which is always great. I've only met one person that I truly believed was a psychopath and I never want to meet another one. But I'll be damned if I don't consume 88 hours a week of psychopath related fiction and non-fiction in books and movies. Maybe it's been 2 psychopaths for me, and no I've never dated one but that would have been a great easy joke to make.
I find that a lot of creepypastas are about isolation and paranormal stuff. Things that you expect from the horror genre in general. In general you expect the horror genre to be hilariously unscary or too terrifyingly real. House of the Dead is a movie that is hilariously unscary but is terrifyingly boring. Resident Evil 6 the movie is one of the greatest comedies that has ever been made. Both of these fine examples of what a film should not be are based on video games. The games are way better.
I loved one that I listened to where the guys went to the moon but they weren't supposed to. The big reveal was that aliens had told us to stay put on Earth, or Else. But we didn't listen of course. Anyway, they are great. A lot of them have to do with serial killers too which is always great. I've only met one person that I truly believed was a psychopath and I never want to meet another one. But I'll be damned if I don't consume 88 hours a week of psychopath related fiction and non-fiction in books and movies. Maybe it's been 2 psychopaths for me, and no I've never dated one but that would have been a great easy joke to make.
Shot Glass Thought: LSD vs Therapy App
More and more you hear of people getting therapy from alternative sources. I don't want anything to do with alternatives sources of therapy unless LSD counts. Further, anything that gets you high as shit. I'm not endorsing drug use...officially. Therapy is supposed to be done between two individuals. Not one person and a cell phone. Stay far away from apps that are supposed to hear out your deepest darkest troubles and just hit the couch with the closest caring professional. Does this have anything to do with Christmas? Well no, it doesn't. But I would like to high as shit. Anyway, Merry Christmas and enjoy your families.
Shot Glass Thought: Truethmas
I am thankful for the opportunity to be thankful. Secondarily, I am thankful for the people that listen to me bitch. I'd like to tell myself that I'm thankful more often than I'm bitching but I'm also trying to stop lying to myself all the time. Things like "We haven't gained that much weight. She really did love me, she just wanted to see the world first. She'll come back. I have lot's of friends and we're all really close." You get the picture. Oh Well, Merry Christmas ya filthy animals.
Short Funny Story: Words From the Sentient Empty Shell
I trimmed my beard for the first time in about 3 weeks. Feels good when your face doesn't feel weighed down. I also love how there are always some beardless plebs that tell me "Ah bro you should have kept it bro. That beard was almost alpha bro."
If I wanted to prove my alphaness I would work much harder to earn a huge living. Then I would tell everyone, but more specifically every hot waitress that I came across how much money I make. Seems like hot waitresses really turn on a guy with a lot of money and power. I prefer the waitress that strictly adheres to mise en place.
Then I'd brag too much on my way out of the restaurant and get taken out by the biggest fan of the recent Joker movie. But at least I would be dead then and not later. That's supposed to be a punchline about how it sucks to go on living. But I don't think it works unless you're a sentient empty shell like myself.
If I wanted to prove my alphaness I would work much harder to earn a huge living. Then I would tell everyone, but more specifically every hot waitress that I came across how much money I make. Seems like hot waitresses really turn on a guy with a lot of money and power. I prefer the waitress that strictly adheres to mise en place.
Then I'd brag too much on my way out of the restaurant and get taken out by the biggest fan of the recent Joker movie. But at least I would be dead then and not later. That's supposed to be a punchline about how it sucks to go on living. But I don't think it works unless you're a sentient empty shell like myself.
Comedy Story: Went to the Wrastlin'
Forest, a friend of mine and I went to a local professional wrestling event a few months back. I haven't written about it till now because I was too busy trying to wash the smell of cigarette smoke and desperation out of my clothes.
The first guys to go up were pretty professional I think. I don't watch wrestling so I'm not sure what I should have been looking for. But the crowd cheered the loudest when they were on and they did the most flipping around and falling off of things, so I assume that means they were the best.
A lot of people in the crowd shouted at the wrestlers and they all had characters. Some were clearly good guys and others were clearly bad guys. The most obvious instance of this was when they had a really, really gay guy wrestled a 15 year old girl. The girl won and the gay guy was arrested for obscenity. Which in rural NC just means "No fags aloud at the wrastlin'."
There was a duo that dressed up as a Space Jam theme. They were supposed to be the kid friendly group. I don't have kids but if they were fans of something as lame as that I would trade them in for some new kids.
Overall it was a lot of fun to watch the wrestlers do crazy things, then react to the audience reacting to the wrestlers. There is a zero chance that I'll ever attend another event like that again. But at least now I know for sure that I hate the experience, instead of just being pretty sure that I hate it.
One last thing about the place, everyone that I thought would be there, was there. Wife beaters and camo will never go out of style in the county where I live, if this event was any indication.
The first guys to go up were pretty professional I think. I don't watch wrestling so I'm not sure what I should have been looking for. But the crowd cheered the loudest when they were on and they did the most flipping around and falling off of things, so I assume that means they were the best.
A lot of people in the crowd shouted at the wrestlers and they all had characters. Some were clearly good guys and others were clearly bad guys. The most obvious instance of this was when they had a really, really gay guy wrestled a 15 year old girl. The girl won and the gay guy was arrested for obscenity. Which in rural NC just means "No fags aloud at the wrastlin'."
There was a duo that dressed up as a Space Jam theme. They were supposed to be the kid friendly group. I don't have kids but if they were fans of something as lame as that I would trade them in for some new kids.
Overall it was a lot of fun to watch the wrestlers do crazy things, then react to the audience reacting to the wrestlers. There is a zero chance that I'll ever attend another event like that again. But at least now I know for sure that I hate the experience, instead of just being pretty sure that I hate it.
One last thing about the place, everyone that I thought would be there, was there. Wife beaters and camo will never go out of style in the county where I live, if this event was any indication.
Shot Glass Thought: Legalize Cannabis Already
Recent polls have shown increased support for legalizing cannabis for recreational use in America. Specialists believe that the numbers would be much lower if they polled your angry, screaming, local Baptist preacher.
Shot Glass Thought: Russian Shit Posters
Some people believe that Russia is spending their time manipulating people on Facebook in order to sew discontent in America. I only see idiotic memes and uninteresting shit posted by friends that I'm no longer in touch with on there. So Russia really needs to step it's game up. If you're going to sew discontent, then you might need a bigger needle than shit posting on Facebook.
Original story: https://www.themarysue.com/russian-trolls-worse-than-we-thought/
Original story: https://www.themarysue.com/russian-trolls-worse-than-we-thought/
Shot Glass Thought: Not Evil Incarnate
A 14 year old young man shot his older sister and her boyfriend with a shotgun during a house party recently. Maybe there was an incestuous relationship going on between the sister and brother. Anybody think to ask about that? Maybe she's just a cheating bitch. That's the new trend in porn right? Everybody is banging their stepmoms and stepsisters and sometimes it's a prank somehow. I'm just saying, the news is treating the kid like he is evil incarnate. Let's hear all sides of the story you know?
The actual story: https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/crime/14-year-old-accused-of-shooting-sister-and-killing-boyfriend-with-shot-gun/ar-BBXAxMT
The actual story: https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/crime/14-year-old-accused-of-shooting-sister-and-killing-boyfriend-with-shot-gun/ar-BBXAxMT
Short Funny Story: Fatties and Their Brains
Recently Scientists have found that obesity can destroy important parts of the brain. The part that is already broke is the "I'm fucking full already" mechanism.
They think that the fatter you get the harder it is to control appetite. As you get fatter, your brain rewards the behavior that is making you fatter. That's the sort of positive reinforcement that most big eaters never got from mom and dad.
The scientists started looking into this phenomenon because teens and children are way fatter than they are supposed to be. Some of the fat fucking holy rollers that I grew up with should have been missionaries in Africa. Could have solved the lack of Lord lovin' out there and slimmed down a couple hundred pounds. You can't eat fried foods 6 days a week when there are no foods to fry.
For actual information check this out: https://www.rankred.com/obesity-could-damage-important-parts-of-the-brain/
They think that the fatter you get the harder it is to control appetite. As you get fatter, your brain rewards the behavior that is making you fatter. That's the sort of positive reinforcement that most big eaters never got from mom and dad.
The scientists started looking into this phenomenon because teens and children are way fatter than they are supposed to be. Some of the fat fucking holy rollers that I grew up with should have been missionaries in Africa. Could have solved the lack of Lord lovin' out there and slimmed down a couple hundred pounds. You can't eat fried foods 6 days a week when there are no foods to fry.
For actual information check this out: https://www.rankred.com/obesity-could-damage-important-parts-of-the-brain/
Comedy Story: Cheer Up and Carry On
First of all I'd like to say fuck me. I have 3 places for relaxation set up in my apartment and only one workstation. I have a bed, a spot on the floor to relax on and a recliner. My desk where I do all my work sometimes doesn't get used at all but I can play video games or watch horror films from all 3 of the other positions. Let me inform you that this apartment is a studio apartment. So there isn't much room in here but I've definitely made room for plenty of relaxing.
Nobody can work all the time indefinitely without any repercussions. I don't even want to work more than I do. I'm just saying that when there is a que of shit that needs to get done in my life...I'm never surprised. I put stuff off, it's as simple as that. I have made plenty of plans and all that results in is me taking out my trash sooner than expected.
My dishes and bills pile up. My shower and toilet are usually really clean. I don't organize things all that well. But my hooker decapitating station is always really clean...Hmm maybe I should take that part out. Nah...nobody misses hookers.
When I do allow things to pile up I make one short list and spend an entire day getting everything done on that list. This is an emotional but also rational solution. If I insist on getting everything done on the list then I will have everything that I need to get done, done. But I also do it for the endorphin release that I get from completing objectives in real life the way that I do in video games. I also feel good about following my list in public as if it is of critical importance for the preservation of the union when really I'm just picking up toilet paper and Diet Sunkist.
I am doing just fine. Plenty of people love me and I them. I'm not in a hurry to be a billionaire and I don't live everyday like it's my last. I'm doing just fine because I'm edging my way into a dream career one day at a time. I'm also going at a pace where I won't burn out. That's the most important part to me. Maybe you feel stressed about where you are in the pursuit of your dream. Well, we can only take it one day at a time. So cheer up and carry on.
Nobody can work all the time indefinitely without any repercussions. I don't even want to work more than I do. I'm just saying that when there is a que of shit that needs to get done in my life...I'm never surprised. I put stuff off, it's as simple as that. I have made plenty of plans and all that results in is me taking out my trash sooner than expected.
My dishes and bills pile up. My shower and toilet are usually really clean. I don't organize things all that well. But my hooker decapitating station is always really clean...Hmm maybe I should take that part out. Nah...nobody misses hookers.
When I do allow things to pile up I make one short list and spend an entire day getting everything done on that list. This is an emotional but also rational solution. If I insist on getting everything done on the list then I will have everything that I need to get done, done. But I also do it for the endorphin release that I get from completing objectives in real life the way that I do in video games. I also feel good about following my list in public as if it is of critical importance for the preservation of the union when really I'm just picking up toilet paper and Diet Sunkist.
I am doing just fine. Plenty of people love me and I them. I'm not in a hurry to be a billionaire and I don't live everyday like it's my last. I'm doing just fine because I'm edging my way into a dream career one day at a time. I'm also going at a pace where I won't burn out. That's the most important part to me. Maybe you feel stressed about where you are in the pursuit of your dream. Well, we can only take it one day at a time. So cheer up and carry on.
Shot Glass Thought: Pot in Detroit
The city of Detroit needs legal recreational marijuana. But not just a little, they need enough to help them forget that they live in Detroit. All of the pot that the city confiscated over the years should be sold back to the people that want it. That is the true hustle, when you can legally steal and sell illegal shit for profit. "Oh it's legal now because we make the rules bitch, now where my money at??" -City of Detroit.
Shot Glass Thought: Dreams Prepare You
Scientists have found out that nightmares help to prepare us for real life horrors. But I have yet to encounter a giant pair of sentient teeth trying to chomp me to bits inside of my grandpa's barn.
Original story right here: https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/technology/brain-scans-show-our-bad-dreams-might-actually-help-us-face-fears-in-real-life/ar-BBXAvna
Original story right here: https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/technology/brain-scans-show-our-bad-dreams-might-actually-help-us-face-fears-in-real-life/ar-BBXAvna
Short Funny Story: Troubling Myanmar
Myanmar has had to form a legal team in order to defend itself against accusations of mass rape, mass murder and systematic torturing. Myanmar seems to be going a long way to avoid being called...liberal.
I want to point out that the population of Myanmar is overwhelmingly Buddhist. So to all the Buddhists in Asheville, NC which seems to be overwhelmingly Buddhist, stop acting like you are actual Buddhists. I think we both now know that the main tenets of Buddhism are meditation, enlightenment and wholesale slaughter. So if you're going to claim Buddhism, you better get to rapin' and killin'.
I want to point out that the population of Myanmar is overwhelmingly Buddhist. So to all the Buddhists in Asheville, NC which seems to be overwhelmingly Buddhist, stop acting like you are actual Buddhists. I think we both now know that the main tenets of Buddhism are meditation, enlightenment and wholesale slaughter. So if you're going to claim Buddhism, you better get to rapin' and killin'.
Short Funny Story: BPD, Not A Laughing Matter
Of all the mental illnesses that you might have, people with BPD are the most likely to have endured childhood trauma. It's kind of impossible nowadays to know what a trauma really is, because some people can be traumatized by the election of a president. I would think the unsolicited grabbing of your pussy by a strange orange man might be traumatizing, but his election to run the country... not so much.
Anyway, BPD sufferers out there can be more at ease with talking to a professional about their issues as recent scientific findings indicate that your psycho parents do not work at your shrink's office. But they might follow you there and wait for you in the parking lot. Even if they are dead.
But seriously, get help because we all want to live well, have good relationships and beat homeless people senseless.
Shot Glass Thoughts: Traumatic Brain Injury Recovery
So scientists have found that if they implant some new science shit in the brains of mice with brain damage, the new science shit will grow the brain back to being healthy. They think that this will one day help humans to recover from brain injuries. I just wanna know, who is giving the mice brain damage? Is there a guy in a lab room that knows just how hard he has to stomp in order to damage the brains but not kill the mice? If so, that guy does not discuss his career on first dates or on any dates. How do you break that to your woman? "Sweetheart, I'm a mouse stomper."
Click here to check it out: https://www.upi.com/Health_News/2019/11/20/Animal-study-shows-promise-for-traumatic-brain-injury-treatment/1101574274880/
Click here to check it out: https://www.upi.com/Health_News/2019/11/20/Animal-study-shows-promise-for-traumatic-brain-injury-treatment/1101574274880/
Shot Glass Thoughts: World Peace and Energy For Everyone Solved
So Putin, the god of Russia or whatever thinks that eliminating the usage of gas would put humanity into caves. He thinks that if we had no nuclear energy, gas and fossil fuels in general then we would all just have to live in caves again... Well he's right. I mean most alternative energy makes only enough energy to barely be worth setting up in the first place. What we should really be doing is putting a nuclear reactor in every country on the planet. That way none of us can ever bombed. The explosion of a nuclear reactor would destroy the whole world. So there you go. World peace and energy for everyone solved in one blog post.
Comedy Story: The Kneeling Quarterbacks
Colin Kaepernick is a guy that makes the NFL cringe. He had a ton of athletic ability and the skills to lead a team to the super bowl...one time. Ever after that he has pretty much stunk. He got benched and then started kneeling for...cop killers and the rest is history. Oh wait, I think I might've gotten wrong.
Actually his protest shined the spotlight on police brutality and hopefully will result in some positive social change. Anyway, the media wants so badly to have him around to talk about again that I would move that they have conspired to create his audition for NFL teams, engineered his workouts, fed him and provided him with in depth espionage of all NFL strategies so that he would have a bargaining chip to get himself signed again, if his skills on the field weren't enough.
He worked out and now 2 teams as of my writing this are apparently interested. One where the owner doesn't give a fuck about how things look, which would be a real positive for Kaepernick. The other is a team that is trying to make it to the Super Bowl but they don't have a good enough quarterback. Well K was able to get a tremendous 49er team to the big game, but that was when he was still very much in the game. There could be a good deal of rust on those already questionable skills.
But I am in favor of a team signing Kaepernick and if they do, I want them to sign Tim Tebow too. I Want all three quarterbacks on the field at the same time. The qb that they have now, Tebow and Kaepernick. Both Kaepernick and Tebow could run, throw and probably catch. So just think about all the misdirection you could accomplish on offense. You could call it the hydra setup. Plus the media coverage and revenue from attendance would be astronomical. Whatever teams there are out there that want to take of the league, just give it a shot. I'm telling you that is the football team that we all want to see.
Actually his protest shined the spotlight on police brutality and hopefully will result in some positive social change. Anyway, the media wants so badly to have him around to talk about again that I would move that they have conspired to create his audition for NFL teams, engineered his workouts, fed him and provided him with in depth espionage of all NFL strategies so that he would have a bargaining chip to get himself signed again, if his skills on the field weren't enough.
He worked out and now 2 teams as of my writing this are apparently interested. One where the owner doesn't give a fuck about how things look, which would be a real positive for Kaepernick. The other is a team that is trying to make it to the Super Bowl but they don't have a good enough quarterback. Well K was able to get a tremendous 49er team to the big game, but that was when he was still very much in the game. There could be a good deal of rust on those already questionable skills.
But I am in favor of a team signing Kaepernick and if they do, I want them to sign Tim Tebow too. I Want all three quarterbacks on the field at the same time. The qb that they have now, Tebow and Kaepernick. Both Kaepernick and Tebow could run, throw and probably catch. So just think about all the misdirection you could accomplish on offense. You could call it the hydra setup. Plus the media coverage and revenue from attendance would be astronomical. Whatever teams there are out there that want to take of the league, just give it a shot. I'm telling you that is the football team that we all want to see.
Short Funny Story: Independent Kids, Uninterested Parents
A couple in Laredo Texas weren't paying attention when their toddler drowned in the bathtub. I think if you are the kind of people that think that a toddler can safely bath himself, then you must also believe we have secret lizard people aliens running the government. I say all that to say, you are fucking crazy.
Toddlers cannot be trusted to eat soft foods unsupervised. Kids that young cannot safely play with toys on their own. Even though it's fun to play with, you might have a kid that wants to know what it would be like to eat his favorite action figure. Bada bing bada boom you have a trip to the emergency room on your hands.
When the couple found that the kid was dead they decided to dissolve his remains in a rubber tub full of acid for later disposal. I tell ya, back when I was that age I thought time out and spankings were pretty bad. Never knew that dissolving in a vat of acid was a possibility. Anyway the dad ratted out the mom and the OTHER 4 KIDS have been taken to child services. How the fuck did these incompetent fucks manage to keep 4 other kids alive? The article said that the other 4 kids are ages 1 to 11 but that doesn't mean that they don't all have careers already. If your parents are as uninvolved as these parents were then you are probably a really independent kid. The oldest is probably a tax preparer and a damn good one too.
Short Funny Story: Pretty Much the Greatest Job Ever
There is a company out there in the world today that wants to pay people 3000 dollars a month to smoke and review marijuana. This is the type of good news that should eradicate the perspective of the atheist. For if such a job can exist, then there must really be a God.
All you have to do is smoke, eat edibles and then critique and blog about what the experience was like. This is the sort of thing that plenty of stoners have been doing all their life anyway. So the level of expertise in this field is going to be top tier in no time.
The only downside is that you have to live somewhere where weed is legal in order to work for these folks. But if you don't live somewhere where it is legal, then you are certainly living somewhere where you can get weed...sketchily. So go out on the town and risk your life by conversing with all manner of creepy, dark weirdos and find yourself an armed street merchant who will hook you up. He'll also fucking kill you if you double cross him...but those are just his words, not mine. Then take your weed home and try it out, do all the stuff that the job wants you to do, then when you move to a place where it's legal, you'll already have a portfolio. Easy Peasy
Click here to check the website out: https://americanmarijuana.org/cannabis-dream-job/
All you have to do is smoke, eat edibles and then critique and blog about what the experience was like. This is the sort of thing that plenty of stoners have been doing all their life anyway. So the level of expertise in this field is going to be top tier in no time.
The only downside is that you have to live somewhere where weed is legal in order to work for these folks. But if you don't live somewhere where it is legal, then you are certainly living somewhere where you can get weed...sketchily. So go out on the town and risk your life by conversing with all manner of creepy, dark weirdos and find yourself an armed street merchant who will hook you up. He'll also fucking kill you if you double cross him...but those are just his words, not mine. Then take your weed home and try it out, do all the stuff that the job wants you to do, then when you move to a place where it's legal, you'll already have a portfolio. Easy Peasy
Click here to check the website out: https://americanmarijuana.org/cannabis-dream-job/
Shot Glass Thought: Australian Scientists Saving the World
Australian scientists have found a more efficient and effective way to turn plastic trash into reusable fuel. I have already tried running my car on melted milk jugs. I will admit that I probably left out some of the more important steps in the process. But I fully support the project and hope that it comes to America and all over the world. These are the kind of people that I want to become billionaires. If you prolong the exist of a healthy Earth...then you get to be a billionaire. That should be our planet wide incentive for inventors and scientists.
Shot Glass Thought: One More Reason
Recently, Syracuse University has had a bunch of racist shit going down. There has been racist graffiti all over the place and apparently a white supremacist manifesto has been distributed in secret all about the campus. This is just one more reason why you should never..ever.. go to college. Nowadays the most ignorance and evil you can find among young people is there! So just join your local gang, Bloods, Crips, or MS-13 and make a difference in your community instead.
Comedy Story: Visualization and Happiness Link
It seems like every time a neuroscientist decides to get rich they just put out some kind of Law of Attraction bullshit. I don't give a fuck how interesting the micro machines in my brain say that my imagination is. I don't care if you find it physiologically, psychologically and philosophically pleasing to pretend to smile until you really are happy. That is fucking stupid. I don't want to be happy that badly. I don't want to pretend anything unless I really am acting. I want to do exactly how I do and change nothing.
I want people to realize that it's not the changes that you make to yourself that make you. It's the improvements and mastery level of your skills that make you. What can you contribute? If you are thinking about, working on or otherwise fucking with something other than your skills, then you are wasting your time. Stop trying to think that there is just some kind of fix all ideology that if you follow it just right you will live successfully. NO! Okay that's enough text yelling. What I'm getting at is that whatever it is that you want to do, you should be practicing that thing and working out all the ins and outs of that thing.
If you start working on your thing and you never stop, then by God you'll get pretty good at it just so long as you aren't killed before you get the chance. Men, don't waste your time on women and women, don't waste your time on men. Be gay. Just kidding, love whoever you want. But don't worry about finding and securing that love unless you have already mastered something. The skills that you can offer the world, the mastery that you have obtained will provide a good living for you. There are no poorly paid masters in the world. I'm not referring to a college degree there either. Once you are a master of whatever you chose, you will be paid. Once you are paid then you can be in love and build a family and whatever the fuck else you want.
I've typed all this shit just to say, stop fucking up your life. Start the road to mastery today and don't fuck with love tips, sex advice articles or self help books. Figure out what you love and master it.
I want people to realize that it's not the changes that you make to yourself that make you. It's the improvements and mastery level of your skills that make you. What can you contribute? If you are thinking about, working on or otherwise fucking with something other than your skills, then you are wasting your time. Stop trying to think that there is just some kind of fix all ideology that if you follow it just right you will live successfully. NO! Okay that's enough text yelling. What I'm getting at is that whatever it is that you want to do, you should be practicing that thing and working out all the ins and outs of that thing.
If you start working on your thing and you never stop, then by God you'll get pretty good at it just so long as you aren't killed before you get the chance. Men, don't waste your time on women and women, don't waste your time on men. Be gay. Just kidding, love whoever you want. But don't worry about finding and securing that love unless you have already mastered something. The skills that you can offer the world, the mastery that you have obtained will provide a good living for you. There are no poorly paid masters in the world. I'm not referring to a college degree there either. Once you are a master of whatever you chose, you will be paid. Once you are paid then you can be in love and build a family and whatever the fuck else you want.
I've typed all this shit just to say, stop fucking up your life. Start the road to mastery today and don't fuck with love tips, sex advice articles or self help books. Figure out what you love and master it.
Comedy Story: Leroy and Earl Save Church (Special)
"Earl, how many shots you got left?"
The situation was dire. Leroy knew that, he knew that this might be a one way trip for him. But he wasn't quite ready to die yet. So many whiskeys left to try. Plenty girls left out there for him to go out with. Only question these days was where do we go out to?
"Got ugh... 8 between ma pistol and the shotty." Earl conveyed this information with his standard confused look. What didn't confuse this man? Leroy wandered.
"Good, we need to conserve them as best we can. Earl.. I ugh...well you see...this might be the end and I just wanted to say that...."
ERRAHHHHH!!! A spine tingling screech ripped through the night air and Leroy knew mortal terror. Earl in the meantime stared blankly at Leroy until he asked
"You were ugh...saying something weren't ya there Leroy?"
"You were ugh...saying something weren't ya there Leroy?"
"Yeah I was just saying...well whatever man, let's get a move on."
It had been a cold hard 5 years after the nuclear zombie bombs from Tanzania were dropped all over the world. Apparently there had been some confusion about which controller was controlling the release of nuclear zombie bombs and which one was the controller for the virtual reality video games that the prime minister spent most of his working hours on. And thus, humanity is destroyed by the biggest, ragiest rage quit of all time. But that was then, Leroy and Earl had to think about how they would rescue miss Marcy's two kids from the abandoned mine shaft. A mine shaft that Leroy and Earl had been luring zombies into with rotted meat and then shoving them down the highest drops in the mine.
"Was a good plan, our little setup here? Weren't it a good plan to trick the zombies and shove em' down the shaft? Sorry miss Marcy, didn't figure your brats would wanna get down in there and play with the things." Earl muttered to nobody in particular. They had made it into the mine and were following the ceiling lights that Earl was able to get working on a prior mission.
"It was a good plan Earl, errh ahhh!!" Leroy lost his footing and tumbled further down the mine shaft than he had ever been before. He frantically rummaged around the on the floor for his flashlight. The darkness hugged him like an aunt with abandonment issues.
"Shit shit shit! What the fuck, oh what the shit!" Leroy hissed to himself
"Don't have a shit hissy thar buddy. I got more than one flashlight packed." Earl joined Leroy with two working flashlights in tow.
"You jackass! We only have two flashlights in the first place! You took mine." Leroy snatched the flashlight away from a bewildered Earl.
"Well.. weren't it a good thing that I ACCIDENTALLY, and I do mean ACCIDENTALLY took your flashlight? Seeing as how you took a mighty hard tumble down this here mine shaft? Coulda broke the other flashlight all to shit. Then we'd had to huddle together and be two shivering idiots down here. The kids mighta had to of rescued us."
"Whatever, thanks for packing the flashlights. Let's get a move on, this could turn really bad, really fast. "
Earl nodded and motioned forward with his flashlight and gun pointing the way. He moved the way Navy Seals in movies do. Only exception being that Navy Seals in movies don't run out of breath and weeze loudly after a few minutes of brisk walking.
"Could you keep it down! You sound like the big bad wolf over there." Leroy hissed at Earl who responded
"Shit...I don't even....know why I have to be....here...they ain't my kids....anyhow. Why my kids wouldn't ever fall down a zombie filled....mine shaft....They'd know better....little shits are always...piping up in church....I'd gettem learned on...that too....need a good ass blistering...that's all..."
"Okay let's take a break. You need to catch your breath and we haven't seen or hear-"
ZZZZZZPSCHHH BEEP BEEP BEEP
"Ah what the shit. Ello this is Earl, whatya need?" It was Earl's radio picking up from halfway to the center of the Earth somehow. The sudden noise had almost ended Leroy. He wondered how much more his nerves could take.
"Oh Merla called? How's she doing? Is her boy the one they put in charge of the communal vegetable garden back in the spring? Yeah...yeah...boy couldn't grow a damn thang I tell ya."
"Do we have time for this Earl?" Leroy could never understand the limitless enjoyment that Earl could derive from his mundane chats with his wife. Even though the world had ended, Earl still had plenty of bullshit to complain about with his wife. If you listened in on their pillow talk you'd probably wonder if they weren't zombies to begin with.
"Just a minute Leroy. Now did I hear that correct, you said that school teacher don't believe in God no more? You figure it's the unbearable hopelessness that might set in when somebody has nothing to live for but they gotta keep on living anyhow? Yeah well...could be I reckon....yeah...yep.... is that right?...they did what?....well praise the Lord honey....well.....yep.....I figure as much....nah the hemorrhoids hadn't acted up on me in a while....well it sure was sweet of you to think about me honey. I'll ring ya back when I get on out of here with my three screaming kiddies."
Uproarious laughter could be heard over the radio from Earl's wife. Earl got in a few good hearty chuckles too.
"Hey I gotta go now honey bun. Love you too, bye bye. Hey sorry buddy, I just knew she'd get a kick out of that."
"Indeed. Well let's move alo-"
ERRAHHHHH!!! "AHHH NO! DON'T COME ANY CLOSER!" This time the howl of the dead was accompanied by the screams of the kids.
"Come on they must be close!" Leroy and Earl took off sprinting towards the noise. Leroy could feel deep down that this was the moment he had been waiting for all of his life. He would rescue the kids! He would save the day and be the hero that a his underwhelming life had prepared him to be! Just then the floor gave way and Leroy and Earl tumbled into a sealed away room. When they had dusted themselves off a bit they could see that it must have been some kind of storage room.
"Shiiiieeet far. I ugh...uuuummmphhh! I've gone and thrown out my back Leroy. We have shit and fell back in it now brother."
"No kidding." Leroy scanned the room, looking for an exit. There was the way they came in and a door that would lead them to God only knows where.
"We should work together to climb out of here."
"You don't...Oh Lordie...wanna go out the...door?" Earl asked.
"We don't know where the door could lea-" Just then a WHAM WHAM WHAM at the door jolted the men.
"Leroy...less a miracle takes place...I won't be climbing it'all. We gotta shoot whatever is on the other end of that door and find ourselves a way up from there. Less you plan on leaving me to die."
Leroy's mind raced, he did consider leaving Earl to die. I mean, he was so irritatingly dull. But no he couldn't do that.
WHAM WHAM WHAM
Leroy panicked even harder. What could he do? He had to shoot. He had to shoot! But he couldn't shoot just once, he had to let loose and empty every shell in his shotgun.
WHAM WHAM WHAM
These zombies wouldn't know what hit them.
"Eat....LEAD!!!" Leroy screamed as he closed his eyes and blazed away at the door with his pump shotgun.
"DIE DIE DIE!!!" Leroy lost himself in the moment of his final stand. His adrenaline pumped, his chest filled with courage. Maybe he would die today but he would not go quietly into that goodnight! And then, just as quickly as the melee had begun it was over. As the smoke cleared, Earl had this to say.
"Good grief Leroy...you done saved the zombies and shot the kids."
All down the hallway it was plain to see. Miss Marcy's two little rats had been at the door and only now had the zombies down the hallway taken notice of them.
"Welp...my backs feeling a sight better." As if miraculously cured, Earl shuffled back out of the room and held his hand out for Leroy to pull himself out as well.
"Hurry up man we gotta git!"
"Yes of course, right away."
Leroy and Earl easily outpaced the lumbering dead to the exit of the mine shaft. It was on their way to the trail back to their camp that Earl began.
"What happened backair...I ain't gonna say a word about it buddy. Couldn't a known or done any better. If it woulda been them zombies at the door...you woulda sure gave em' hell wouldn't ya?....I mean...why didn't the boys say anything?...Never could gettem to shut up in church...It was more like they wanted to git shot you know'd it?"
" Yeah...I suppose."
"Yeah well...way I figure it, we just leave out the blasting you gave'em and leave it at zombie food. We got down in the mine shaft and it was too late. The boys was already zombie food. There don't need to be no mention of you mincing em' up like baby food for the zombies...just zombie food. Don't ya figure that oughta be our story Leroy?"
"Yeah...I reckon so..Earl...thanks man."
"Hey no problem buddy, it weren't no great loss for anybody...guess it's a pretty big lo-"
"For the mother?"
"Yeah..shit...reckon so......EAT LEAD!!!" Earl proceeded to make his hand into a gun and went about the trail pretending to waste an entire army of invisible zombies. Leroy wasn't happy but he was grateful to be alive. He was grateful for his friend Earl. He was also grateful that he wouldn't have to listen to those little shits running wild through the entire church service anymore.
Mass Effect Xbox 360 (2007)
This game is a modern day classic and the all important starting point for the Mass Effect trilogy. Playing through it today, it's pretty archaic and boring at times. But that's on all the stuff that is outside of the main missions, side objectives and character interaction. All of that is brilliant in this game. The story is fun and introduces you to the incredible world of galaxy hopping and future reaper destroying.
This version of the game has quite a bit of slowdown at times. I have never had a crash, but I've seen plenty of slowdown and odd visual glitches. Playing the game on it's hardest difficulty is pretty much mathematically impossible. You just don't do enough damage points to make it practical. So that kind of stinks as I like when the difficulty is geared more towards the skill level of the player and not just numbers.
Saren is a worthy bad guy and worth the trouble of chasing across the galaxy to destroy. The mission on Illos will stand out in most player's minds. The final battle is pretty memorable too, even if it is a bit clunky at times. The combat could be described as clunky by and large. But it's still fun if you're patient and a big fan of the series already. The changes they made to the combat from 1 to 2 and then 2 to 3 were incredible. That's not to say that commanding your squad in this game isn't fun. But it does play at a much slower pace. The difference between 1 and three is so great that I would not blame someone for thinking they weren't from the same series.
Overall, this game was well worth revisiting for probably the 5th or 6th time. I love the Mass Effect series. Just remember that if you decide to revisit one and create a new character, you will have to destroy Saren, the Collectors and the Reapers all over again. So do it..that's what I'm saying. It will be great!
This version of the game has quite a bit of slowdown at times. I have never had a crash, but I've seen plenty of slowdown and odd visual glitches. Playing the game on it's hardest difficulty is pretty much mathematically impossible. You just don't do enough damage points to make it practical. So that kind of stinks as I like when the difficulty is geared more towards the skill level of the player and not just numbers.
Saren is a worthy bad guy and worth the trouble of chasing across the galaxy to destroy. The mission on Illos will stand out in most player's minds. The final battle is pretty memorable too, even if it is a bit clunky at times. The combat could be described as clunky by and large. But it's still fun if you're patient and a big fan of the series already. The changes they made to the combat from 1 to 2 and then 2 to 3 were incredible. That's not to say that commanding your squad in this game isn't fun. But it does play at a much slower pace. The difference between 1 and three is so great that I would not blame someone for thinking they weren't from the same series.
Overall, this game was well worth revisiting for probably the 5th or 6th time. I love the Mass Effect series. Just remember that if you decide to revisit one and create a new character, you will have to destroy Saren, the Collectors and the Reapers all over again. So do it..that's what I'm saying. It will be great!
Shot Glass Thought: Baller Status
I drink my diet Sunkist out of a wine glass because I'm a baller. But yall already know that. It's not surprising. If I went to your bar and ordered breast milk on the rocks...I'd still be a baller. The bartender that says "Coming right up" and doesn't react at all is the biggest baller though.
Movie Review: The Terminator (1980)
I had drank my 9th and 10th drinks of the day during the viewing of this movie. That was awhile ago. So my memory on this might be a bit shaky. Anyway Arnold Swartzawhatever goes back in time to try and cockblock our hero of the story, your friend, an actual mother fucker. Mfer is sent from the future to impregnate the mother of his friend so that they can all save the world. The mother is the actual hero of the story but I don't want to give too much away for the folks like me that are clueless to the pop culture that we are all supposed to have seen. By the way the LOR movies are boring, bloated garbage. More on that some other time. Star Wars is pretty shit too. And I don't like the Marvel movies really.
The indestructibility of the Terminator is pretty awesome to watch. There is some stop motion in the film, I am always in favor of that. The romance doesn't seem unrealistic or really all that creepy in spite of my plot synopsis. The music is good, the action is great and the characters are really interesting. If I had to come to terms with being the savior of all mankind then I would probably kill myself or hide in a bear cave in the mountains. I don't have heroic aspirations to say the least. Anyway it's a great film and if you haven't seen it then see it.
The indestructibility of the Terminator is pretty awesome to watch. There is some stop motion in the film, I am always in favor of that. The romance doesn't seem unrealistic or really all that creepy in spite of my plot synopsis. The music is good, the action is great and the characters are really interesting. If I had to come to terms with being the savior of all mankind then I would probably kill myself or hide in a bear cave in the mountains. I don't have heroic aspirations to say the least. Anyway it's a great film and if you haven't seen it then see it.
Shot Glass Thought: Getting High in Public
The only drug that the public will accept you getting high on in public is alcohol. I don't think that there will ever be heroin pubs. Seasonal heroin types and shit like that. "Come in for our five dollar hits of October Smack!" Not gonna happen.
Movie Review: Rosemary's Baby (1968)
This movie is the ultimate study of paranoia and subtle horror. Maybe there are better examples of subtlety in horror movies but I can't think of one right now. There are so many violations of trust in this movie, so many situations that make you question whether there is a conspiracy or if Rose, the main character is just losing it. The paranoia and isolation of the film bothered me so much the first time that I saw it that I didn't sleep well for about 3 days.
If this movie accurately portrays what it was like to be a woman in the 60's, and I wouldn't know. I was neither woman nor existing in the 1960's. I am not well read on the societal pressures of women in any time period. Because if you have the free will to decide what you want to read, why on Earth would you read that shit? What I'm getting at is that everything I've learned about the world since my high school graduation has come from news headlines, horror movies and jokes. So I'm basically this timeline's contemporary Socrates.
So I don't know what it's like to be a woman, be abused by a romantic partner, that's in this movie btw, and I don't appreciate proper study material. These are the things that I've learned about myself from watching this movie again and writing about it. I watched it with two of my best friends and they were really into the movie. Scared the shit out of both of them the way that it did me on my first go round. So I recommend the movie, but if you've been abused by a partner or if you suffer some serious paranoia, then maybe give this one a pass. I think it could lose it's entertainment value for someone with that background. Anyway, much love and I'll see you all on the next one.
If this movie accurately portrays what it was like to be a woman in the 60's, and I wouldn't know. I was neither woman nor existing in the 1960's. I am not well read on the societal pressures of women in any time period. Because if you have the free will to decide what you want to read, why on Earth would you read that shit? What I'm getting at is that everything I've learned about the world since my high school graduation has come from news headlines, horror movies and jokes. So I'm basically this timeline's contemporary Socrates.
So I don't know what it's like to be a woman, be abused by a romantic partner, that's in this movie btw, and I don't appreciate proper study material. These are the things that I've learned about myself from watching this movie again and writing about it. I watched it with two of my best friends and they were really into the movie. Scared the shit out of both of them the way that it did me on my first go round. So I recommend the movie, but if you've been abused by a partner or if you suffer some serious paranoia, then maybe give this one a pass. I think it could lose it's entertainment value for someone with that background. Anyway, much love and I'll see you all on the next one.
Shot Glass Thought: Black Widows
Let's all ignore dating and romance advice in general and just do what comes naturally. This will help to weed out all... the rapists. Police work in that category will be so much easier. Maybe with all the rapists they arrest, they can release of few of the harmless pot dealers that they have locked up.
If a girl watches you sleep and that creeps you out, but pretty much that's it as far as negatives...then keep that bitch. She is perfect. If she watches you sleep as she holds a kitchen knife to your throat, then leave that bitch. The only problem is...she might be really hot. Some guys are dumb enough to die for hot. So maybe you should brainwash yourself into being gay. There was only one Jeffrey Dahmer compared to thousands of black widows.
If a girl watches you sleep and that creeps you out, but pretty much that's it as far as negatives...then keep that bitch. She is perfect. If she watches you sleep as she holds a kitchen knife to your throat, then leave that bitch. The only problem is...she might be really hot. Some guys are dumb enough to die for hot. So maybe you should brainwash yourself into being gay. There was only one Jeffrey Dahmer compared to thousands of black widows.
Movie Review: Doctor Sleep (2019)
This movie featured several re-creations of scenes from The Shining(1980). Those scenes felt like cheap knockoffs. In the same way that a similar looking actor dressed as Jack Torrance and looking like Jack Torrance still has nowhere near the impact of actual Jack Torrance.
The main problem with this film is that it succeeds as a spooky ghost tale but not much else. It is not a classic and it diminishes the shine, pun intended, of the original film. This movie is more like King's writing and less like Kubrick's film. Which is why it is just an entertaining spook fest and not a masterpiece.
My opinion on this movie and pretty much most opinions of this movie really comes down to who you like more: King or Kubrick. I prefer Kubrick's work overall. Sure Doctor Sleep follows some of the plot points of Kubrick's film more than the original novel. But it still lacks the subtlety and dread of the masterpiece. Steam eating ghouls that can be killed via western style shootout and car accidents are not what the 1980 film was about. So this was a good movie and you should rent it when it's out, but it's no masterpiece.
The main problem with this film is that it succeeds as a spooky ghost tale but not much else. It is not a classic and it diminishes the shine, pun intended, of the original film. This movie is more like King's writing and less like Kubrick's film. Which is why it is just an entertaining spook fest and not a masterpiece.
My opinion on this movie and pretty much most opinions of this movie really comes down to who you like more: King or Kubrick. I prefer Kubrick's work overall. Sure Doctor Sleep follows some of the plot points of Kubrick's film more than the original novel. But it still lacks the subtlety and dread of the masterpiece. Steam eating ghouls that can be killed via western style shootout and car accidents are not what the 1980 film was about. So this was a good movie and you should rent it when it's out, but it's no masterpiece.
Comedy Story: I Won't Move My Hand (Special)
I got the call from Lydia, John was back at the farm. Cocksucker was doing what he always did, screaming, breaking shit. This time it was different. He was armed and he was drunk. I grabbed my coat and hit the road in my 07 Ford Focus. The 08 had improved handling but the 07 was familiar to me. I knew it and it knew me. Driving this beauty was like kissing your wife on your 60th wedding anniversary. Didn’t take me long to get to the farm where true to his nature, John was screaming and waving his gun around. Looked like a .357 magnum from where I was standing. I left the car on and the radio playing. It was Summer Wind by Sinatra, what a classic.
“John, do we really have to keep doing this ever fuckin’ weekend?” I asked.
“Hey motherfucker I wanna see both of your hands and I want you to get them up high! You hear me motherfucker!?”
“Yeah I ain’t deaf, and I ain’t gonna show you my other hand.”
“Well…Why the fuck not?”
“Don’t think about that John you have bigger things to worry about...well, not much bigger.”
“Like what?”
“Well by now Liddie and the girls have probably called the police station. You being drunk, armed and angry. Plus stupid, I forgot stupid.”
“Only one stupid is you and that’s cause you won’t show me your other fucking hand! Now get it up!”
“My hand is right where it needs to be John. You need to listen to me when I say that you’re running out of time.”
“No you are motherfucker! I’m fine…I’m doing real good matterafact cause I’m gonna shoot your dumbass! Haha what’ya think of that?”
“You could shoot me John. Or my hand could come outta this pocket…and you might not have enough time to shoot me. I might have something in this pocket that you don’t want to come out. I might not have enough time, it’s true. You might be too fast, or you might not. But either way, you’re running out of time.”
“You don’t scare me man…I don’t think you even have a gun.”
“Maybe I don’t. Maybe you’re right. But if you keep pointing that gun at me you might just fool around and end up shooting me.”
“Yeah I might just motherfucker! That might be the best thing to happen to me in a long, long time.” He pulled the hammer back on his revolver and grinned.
“John the way I see it, the cops are on the way. So you could shoot me and I’d probably die. That might make you feel real good, but only for a short time. You couldn’t enjoy it too long. The cops are mighty slow so you could probably shoot me and still have some time to make a run for it.”
“Yeah…I recon I might.”
“But if you do that, even these slow cops, that are as dumb as you surely are will find you John. There just ain’t many places you can go up here in these mountains. Police find you up there, that would be the best thing for ya.”
“How so?”
“Well if the cops find ya then it means you weren’t ate by a …mountain lion or a bear…or something else.”
“Wha-what the hell do you mean something else?”
“Well nobody really knows what all is up in them mountains John. You know as well as I do that a lot of people get lost in there where even the dogs and volunteers can’t sniff em’ out.”
“Well…I ugh, well I guess that I… ought not shoot you after all.”
“The best thing would be to put that gun away, forget about me and my other hand and leave this place.”
“Yeah…you’re making a lot of sense Tex. I guess I will put my gun away…long as you don’t plan to shoot me when I do.”
“I already told you John, I don’t wanna bring this hand out of it’s pocket for anybody, even you.” Lydia and the girls were watching from the window, their eyes full of fear. Sirens rang out in the distance and John lowered, then holstered his .357.
“I recon you’re a better man than I figured you for Tex. I’ll just wait for the cops now. Nobody got shot anyhow, couldn’t come down on me too hard, could they?” He slumped onto the wood splittin’ stump and ran his hands through his hair.
“I don’t figure they will John. Nobody got shot after all.”
The cops took John in but before they did, detective Luke Cryasight asked me about my gun.
“I wanna know if you bluffed em’ Tex. Did you really have a piece on ya?”
“Shit no, this coat pocket and the britches I have on have a custom designed tunnel… to my cock. I was flapping my meat hammer for all I was worth the whole damn time. Coping mechanism, you see. I don’t do too well with stressful situations…Well if that’s all ya need from me detective, I’ll be going.” I bid the detective good night, the disturbed and confused look on his face told me that he was finished with his inquiries.
“John, do we really have to keep doing this ever fuckin’ weekend?” I asked.
“Hey motherfucker I wanna see both of your hands and I want you to get them up high! You hear me motherfucker!?”
“Yeah I ain’t deaf, and I ain’t gonna show you my other hand.”
“Well…Why the fuck not?”
“Don’t think about that John you have bigger things to worry about...well, not much bigger.”
“Like what?”
“Well by now Liddie and the girls have probably called the police station. You being drunk, armed and angry. Plus stupid, I forgot stupid.”
“Only one stupid is you and that’s cause you won’t show me your other fucking hand! Now get it up!”
“My hand is right where it needs to be John. You need to listen to me when I say that you’re running out of time.”
“No you are motherfucker! I’m fine…I’m doing real good matterafact cause I’m gonna shoot your dumbass! Haha what’ya think of that?”
“You could shoot me John. Or my hand could come outta this pocket…and you might not have enough time to shoot me. I might have something in this pocket that you don’t want to come out. I might not have enough time, it’s true. You might be too fast, or you might not. But either way, you’re running out of time.”
“You don’t scare me man…I don’t think you even have a gun.”
“Maybe I don’t. Maybe you’re right. But if you keep pointing that gun at me you might just fool around and end up shooting me.”
“Yeah I might just motherfucker! That might be the best thing to happen to me in a long, long time.” He pulled the hammer back on his revolver and grinned.
“John the way I see it, the cops are on the way. So you could shoot me and I’d probably die. That might make you feel real good, but only for a short time. You couldn’t enjoy it too long. The cops are mighty slow so you could probably shoot me and still have some time to make a run for it.”
“Yeah…I recon I might.”
“But if you do that, even these slow cops, that are as dumb as you surely are will find you John. There just ain’t many places you can go up here in these mountains. Police find you up there, that would be the best thing for ya.”
“How so?”
“Well if the cops find ya then it means you weren’t ate by a …mountain lion or a bear…or something else.”
“Wha-what the hell do you mean something else?”
“Well nobody really knows what all is up in them mountains John. You know as well as I do that a lot of people get lost in there where even the dogs and volunteers can’t sniff em’ out.”
“Well…I ugh, well I guess that I… ought not shoot you after all.”
“The best thing would be to put that gun away, forget about me and my other hand and leave this place.”
“Yeah…you’re making a lot of sense Tex. I guess I will put my gun away…long as you don’t plan to shoot me when I do.”
“I already told you John, I don’t wanna bring this hand out of it’s pocket for anybody, even you.” Lydia and the girls were watching from the window, their eyes full of fear. Sirens rang out in the distance and John lowered, then holstered his .357.
“I recon you’re a better man than I figured you for Tex. I’ll just wait for the cops now. Nobody got shot anyhow, couldn’t come down on me too hard, could they?” He slumped onto the wood splittin’ stump and ran his hands through his hair.
“I don’t figure they will John. Nobody got shot after all.”
The cops took John in but before they did, detective Luke Cryasight asked me about my gun.
“I wanna know if you bluffed em’ Tex. Did you really have a piece on ya?”
“Shit no, this coat pocket and the britches I have on have a custom designed tunnel… to my cock. I was flapping my meat hammer for all I was worth the whole damn time. Coping mechanism, you see. I don’t do too well with stressful situations…Well if that’s all ya need from me detective, I’ll be going.” I bid the detective good night, the disturbed and confused look on his face told me that he was finished with his inquiries.
Shot Glass Thought: Murder Suicide
Murder suicide is a situation where there is no wisdom. For those that think that getting a restraining order on a dangerous person will save you, just remember that a restraining order is...a piece of paper. Seems like a lot of murder suicides are orchestrated by some crazy couple, there is a restraining order, guy ignores it and comes in to conduct a massacre. Then pops himself and that's the end of the story. Beyond talking to the law and having the law on your side, you have to be ready to protect yourself. Ready to protect what means the most to you. I don't know what that looks like for everyone, but it looks like a weapon to me.
Shot Glass Thought: Joker in the Whitehouse
Apparently President Trump screened the movie movie "Joker" at the Whitehouse. Somebody said that the president really liked the movie. I think that's kind of cool that our billionaire president enjoyed a movie where a homicidal maniac leads a rebellion to kill the rich. It tells me that the security for the rich must be on point. Because president Trump is most certainly the rich, so for him to find the movie entertaining, the plot of the movie must be totally impossible in real life. Which is good, bloody rebellions are usually good for nobody.
Short Funny Story: Elderly LSD Superpowers
Seniors prescribed a certain muscle relaxer might have kidney issues and severe confusion as a result. That's how you know your body is going to shit. You go to the hospital to get drugs that keep you comfortable.The drugs that doctors prescribe to keep you comfortable are then sending you back to the hospital. Dementia like symptoms is how they describe the folks who took the muscle relaxer. What happens when the folks with dementia are given the muscle relaxer? When you go from already super confused to even more confusion, maybe you start to glow or levitate or something. I would like to know what would happen to dementia patients that were given LSD. If it was super bad, then obviously never again. But if it was able to help them calm down, experience euphoria or even...gave them super powers, that would all be very cool.
This is the original article that made me think of this: https://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/health/sc-hlth-muscle-relaxant-dangers-1120-20191118-74gz6ei6ingibgr3ymzcr2u7aa-story.html
This is the original article that made me think of this: https://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/health/sc-hlth-muscle-relaxant-dangers-1120-20191118-74gz6ei6ingibgr3ymzcr2u7aa-story.html
Comedy Story: Terrorist Elephant
An Elephant named Osama Bin Laden died in captivity in India recently. He had rampaged through a small town and killed five people. The town must have been full of patriotism, cheeseburgers and capitalism. Those five people may or may not have coordinated air strikes on Laden's family in his younger years.
Laden was captured and tortured immediately under the guise of an "Obedience Training" method called Kraak. I'm not sure how they pronounce it over there but I am positive that Kraak is the sound that bones make when you are torturing your elephant...for being a terrorist.
Nearly 2,300 civilians have been killed in this ongoing war between India and her Elephants. Only an estimated 700 elephants have died during the same period, to which the supreme commander of all Indian Elephant forces, Brosif Stalen commented "Sick."
click here for the original article: https://news.yahoo.com/rogue-elephant-dies-captivity-killing-villagers-100507946.html
Laden was captured and tortured immediately under the guise of an "Obedience Training" method called Kraak. I'm not sure how they pronounce it over there but I am positive that Kraak is the sound that bones make when you are torturing your elephant...for being a terrorist.
Nearly 2,300 civilians have been killed in this ongoing war between India and her Elephants. Only an estimated 700 elephants have died during the same period, to which the supreme commander of all Indian Elephant forces, Brosif Stalen commented "Sick."
click here for the original article: https://news.yahoo.com/rogue-elephant-dies-captivity-killing-villagers-100507946.html
Shot Glass Thought: Not Even An Addiction Specialist
I saw an article that said "Not even an addiction specialist could save his wife from drug abuse." Well yeah probably not, according to Facebook ads, all it takes is a 48 hour online course in order for me to change my life and become an addiction specialist. It took me longer than that to learn how to be a bartender.
Shot Glass Thought: A Business Where You Meet Creeps
If you want to have a business where you meet creeps then you should get your massage therapy certification. Then setup your massage bed like a lemonade stand. I guarantee that you will find the people that you are looking for.
Movie Review: Some Guy Who Kills People (2011)
This is a funny movie that doesn't really have any scares. There is violence in it, but nothing all that scary.
The pacing of the plot kind of sucks but the tradeoff is more time spent developing the characters. There were definetly some moments where I just sat there thinking "what the fuck is going on again?" But it was enjoyable.
Movie features the best child actor I've ever seen. She is convincing, funny and turned over a very consistent performance.
This movie features the greatest sheriff in movie history. This guy is fucking phenomenal. The scene where he addresses the mayor is worth watching the film alone.
The pacing of the plot kind of sucks but the tradeoff is more time spent developing the characters. There were definetly some moments where I just sat there thinking "what the fuck is going on again?" But it was enjoyable.
Movie features the best child actor I've ever seen. She is convincing, funny and turned over a very consistent performance.
This movie features the greatest sheriff in movie history. This guy is fucking phenomenal. The scene where he addresses the mayor is worth watching the film alone.
Movie Review: Black Christmas (1974)
Characters were top notch in this film. I never felt like anyone character was unbelievable or implausible.
Villain was a strong one, ending was chilling. Really sends a shiver down your spine. Kind of like meeting your neighbor for the first time and he's a 39 years old still trying to be a hipster.
Laughed my ass off at the main character because she just answers the phone like a motherfucker. I didn't answer the phone like her even when my only job was to answer the phone.
Just a heads up, abortion is the killing of a baby. I don't have all the answers, but that is what it is. If you want to be independent and make all the decisions for your own body, then just admit that you killed a baby and get on with your life.
I got a tremendous kick out of the scene where one of our important characters fails his piano recital. He sounds like he is playing piano for the first time. Babies can clang on the keys of a piano with more rhythm and skill than the guy on screen did.
A character named Barb tells a really uncomfortable sex joke to a prudish old man who is afraid that his daughter might have been killed. She's drunk and the scene is hilarious to me. It was really tense for my friend that was watching it with me. Guess he's an old prude on the inside.
Villain was a strong one, ending was chilling. Really sends a shiver down your spine. Kind of like meeting your neighbor for the first time and he's a 39 years old still trying to be a hipster.
Laughed my ass off at the main character because she just answers the phone like a motherfucker. I didn't answer the phone like her even when my only job was to answer the phone.
Just a heads up, abortion is the killing of a baby. I don't have all the answers, but that is what it is. If you want to be independent and make all the decisions for your own body, then just admit that you killed a baby and get on with your life.
I got a tremendous kick out of the scene where one of our important characters fails his piano recital. He sounds like he is playing piano for the first time. Babies can clang on the keys of a piano with more rhythm and skill than the guy on screen did.
A character named Barb tells a really uncomfortable sex joke to a prudish old man who is afraid that his daughter might have been killed. She's drunk and the scene is hilarious to me. It was really tense for my friend that was watching it with me. Guess he's an old prude on the inside.
Shot Glass Thought: Romance Advice Givers
I wonder how many of the people that give romance advice actually get any. I think it's more likely that the people that give the most love advice are wanking/bullying the bean more than anyone else. They are trying to mask the inactivity by fronting like they are transcendent of normal human desires. "I don't need to share about all the sex that I'm not having because then people could verify that I don't know what I'm talking about."
Think about the value of some art degrees. You can spend 100,000 dollars on your art education and still only be able to make your living painting beach sceneries on 8x10 canvases. That's yard sale shit right there man. I'm glad I got out of art school. Idk why I was ever in it really, but it did help me to become a bartender and that's really all that matters. I can day drink for weeks on end with my skillset and if anyone asks about it I'll just say that I'm testing out a new recipe. If they see that it's just the same drinks over and over then I'll say that I'm experimenting with the measurements. So yeah... fuck an art degree.
Think about the value of some art degrees. You can spend 100,000 dollars on your art education and still only be able to make your living painting beach sceneries on 8x10 canvases. That's yard sale shit right there man. I'm glad I got out of art school. Idk why I was ever in it really, but it did help me to become a bartender and that's really all that matters. I can day drink for weeks on end with my skillset and if anyone asks about it I'll just say that I'm testing out a new recipe. If they see that it's just the same drinks over and over then I'll say that I'm experimenting with the measurements. So yeah... fuck an art degree.
Shot Glass Thought: Ancient History
At some point in the future everything that we do as Americans will just be stuff for another culture to discover in a 1000 years from now. America is the most powerful culture in the world right now. He have the biggest bombs, the most guns and the right kinds of psychopaths in office. But make no mistake, this will eventually go off the rails. Maybe sooner, maybe later. I don't have any sort of idea as to when it will take place. Think about this, Pakistan was the home of the most powerful culture in the world, like 2000 years ago. I don't know if that's true as far as the date, but yeah there used to be a badass empire out there. Nowadays it ain't shit. No culture, no empire, just oil and violence. Our culture is doing pretty well I think. The Greeks had Socrates, Plato and Aristotle. We had Tupac, Biggie and now Kanye West. So that's better than most empires I think.
Comedy Story: Watching Movies With Friends
Watching a movie with friends is a pretty fucking rad way to spend your afternoon. I might be one of those guys that spends 60 years or more tending bar. Which means that I really better find someplace easy to work. It doesn't mean much more than that. In the meantime I will need to find some pass times to help me run out the clock on my life and one of those is watching movies with friends.
Horror movies are obviously the best for this kind of evening. We have, ideally, a very small crowd. We are all under no social pressure to act in a way that isn't true to who we are. Because we are close with these friends and they are real friends. So we can get scared at the chronic masturbator and woman slasher that we see lurking on the TV and also lurking through the shadows in our apartment as we go for a pee break midway through the movie.
Inviting unknown elements into the fun is a must, sometimes. We have a flow, we don't need to fuck with that flow too much. Just a little bit. Inviting someone that we aren't too sure of care be a great way to mix things up, but inviting people should not be a part of the routine. I might spend the next 60 years of my life studying water only to choke to death on a cup of tap water after a pack of peanut butter crackers. But in the meantime, I will have watched a lot of movies with my friends and only sometimes with random, unconfirmed folks.
Drinking alcohol while we do what we do is a goto for me. In the same way that some guys will tell you that they have a way with the ladies only to die as miserable old virgins, I like to drink. They like to bullshit you and I like to drink. Okay it's not the greatest comparison ever but whatever. If it's a bad night, and by that I mean the group has decided to watch a comedy, then yes I am most certainly going to drink. I just do not enjoy most comedies. I mean, we are hanging out and we're all funny, we make each other laugh. Why would we listen to somebody else for that? I'd rather be scared and then make each other laugh about that.
The guy who talks through a lot of the movie about other shit is not welcome up in this bitch. We are watching the movie and occasionally, OCCASIONALLY providing commentary. If you aren't into the movie, do not try to redirect the whole experience to yourself. Just fucking leave or play on your phone. If you're the guy who does this shit then you are probably also the kind of guy that tells people that you'll own your own business for 25 years without ever even making it to manager at your travel agency. Doesn't stop you from calling yourself director of sales agents. It also doens't stop you from masturbating constantly until the day you realize enough is enough and put a bullet in your head.
Deciding when the movie actually sucks and we have to make our own fun is a subtle skill and indicative of experience. Watching The Shining we barely said anything. It was such a flawless film. We watched some shit during the summer that had a lady take a bath with her dad's dead body. At a certain point it has to be a conversation about "Should we bail on this freaky shit?" or "Woah WTF? Are we about to talk through the rest of this freakshow?" The dead body bath movie had us making a lot of jokes. So we still had a good time. If we would have done that to The Shining then I would have found new friends. But also it would have ruined the movie. It's all about balance.
Horror movies are obviously the best for this kind of evening. We have, ideally, a very small crowd. We are all under no social pressure to act in a way that isn't true to who we are. Because we are close with these friends and they are real friends. So we can get scared at the chronic masturbator and woman slasher that we see lurking on the TV and also lurking through the shadows in our apartment as we go for a pee break midway through the movie.
Inviting unknown elements into the fun is a must, sometimes. We have a flow, we don't need to fuck with that flow too much. Just a little bit. Inviting someone that we aren't too sure of care be a great way to mix things up, but inviting people should not be a part of the routine. I might spend the next 60 years of my life studying water only to choke to death on a cup of tap water after a pack of peanut butter crackers. But in the meantime, I will have watched a lot of movies with my friends and only sometimes with random, unconfirmed folks.
Drinking alcohol while we do what we do is a goto for me. In the same way that some guys will tell you that they have a way with the ladies only to die as miserable old virgins, I like to drink. They like to bullshit you and I like to drink. Okay it's not the greatest comparison ever but whatever. If it's a bad night, and by that I mean the group has decided to watch a comedy, then yes I am most certainly going to drink. I just do not enjoy most comedies. I mean, we are hanging out and we're all funny, we make each other laugh. Why would we listen to somebody else for that? I'd rather be scared and then make each other laugh about that.
The guy who talks through a lot of the movie about other shit is not welcome up in this bitch. We are watching the movie and occasionally, OCCASIONALLY providing commentary. If you aren't into the movie, do not try to redirect the whole experience to yourself. Just fucking leave or play on your phone. If you're the guy who does this shit then you are probably also the kind of guy that tells people that you'll own your own business for 25 years without ever even making it to manager at your travel agency. Doesn't stop you from calling yourself director of sales agents. It also doens't stop you from masturbating constantly until the day you realize enough is enough and put a bullet in your head.
Deciding when the movie actually sucks and we have to make our own fun is a subtle skill and indicative of experience. Watching The Shining we barely said anything. It was such a flawless film. We watched some shit during the summer that had a lady take a bath with her dad's dead body. At a certain point it has to be a conversation about "Should we bail on this freaky shit?" or "Woah WTF? Are we about to talk through the rest of this freakshow?" The dead body bath movie had us making a lot of jokes. So we still had a good time. If we would have done that to The Shining then I would have found new friends. But also it would have ruined the movie. It's all about balance.
Short Funny Story: The World Around us is Pretty Dangerous
Plenty of bad news in the world. There is always some waiter with dreams of spending the rest of their life on a music career being fished out of the lake. Plenty of sex trafficking and murder news. Never any of it good. A real surprise would be to turn on the news and see a story about a maniac that was going to kill a bunch of people but the police caught him and stopped him from doing anything. You'd shit your pants if a few months later he/she was actually sent to jail for their intentions.
Sometimes people just die.. for no discernible reason. No alcohol, no drugs, no hints at a suicide. Sometimes you leave your 9 to 5 and just veer off the road to a cataclysmic smash. After that you're done. All your ambitions and dreams are gone and you're never doing anything else. That chick from Tinder that you snuck into the bathroom at work to send an unsolicited dick pic to, that's your last communication. That's tough man.
There are plenty of random things that can explode or burn or destroy us. Restaurants have plenty of ways to burn down or explode. It's fucking crazy that people aren't more afraid of them. Probably for the same reason that some pilots get drunk while they are flying. You just get so used to being around all this metal clanging, burning and booming that you forget that it could all kill you. I could spend 60 years studying wine and then still find a way to drown in a vat of wine. I would try really hard to get out, but once the irony dawned on me, I'd just let it go. I would hope that it would be Cabernet Sauvignon. I love Carbernet, if it wants me then it can take me.
You can breathe in lethal gasses from your car. Some people kill themselves by closing their garage door and keeping their car running. It's probably one of the best ways to go. Especially when you compare it to falling asleep at the wheel at the end of your 80 hour work week and then launching yourself through your front window after you orchestrate the brief introduction of tree to cold hard car parts.
Sometimes people just die.. for no discernible reason. No alcohol, no drugs, no hints at a suicide. Sometimes you leave your 9 to 5 and just veer off the road to a cataclysmic smash. After that you're done. All your ambitions and dreams are gone and you're never doing anything else. That chick from Tinder that you snuck into the bathroom at work to send an unsolicited dick pic to, that's your last communication. That's tough man.
There are plenty of random things that can explode or burn or destroy us. Restaurants have plenty of ways to burn down or explode. It's fucking crazy that people aren't more afraid of them. Probably for the same reason that some pilots get drunk while they are flying. You just get so used to being around all this metal clanging, burning and booming that you forget that it could all kill you. I could spend 60 years studying wine and then still find a way to drown in a vat of wine. I would try really hard to get out, but once the irony dawned on me, I'd just let it go. I would hope that it would be Cabernet Sauvignon. I love Carbernet, if it wants me then it can take me.
You can breathe in lethal gasses from your car. Some people kill themselves by closing their garage door and keeping their car running. It's probably one of the best ways to go. Especially when you compare it to falling asleep at the wheel at the end of your 80 hour work week and then launching yourself through your front window after you orchestrate the brief introduction of tree to cold hard car parts.
Shot Glass Thought: Somehow Not Cold
Somehow in the year of our Lord 2019 there are still guys that think that it's tough to pretend like it's not cold. How far will these literal numb nuts take this shit? Some of these guys could be interviewed while running from a family of yeti in the woods of Siberia with a t-shirt and jeans on and they would still say that they aren't cold. Maybe the adrenaline brought about from the running from yeti could make them not actually feel cold, but given a few minutes of rest after the escape they would get cold and not admit it. Which is why we should all be rooting for the yeti to catch them in the first place.
Shot Glass Thought: More Than I Want to Think
Sometimes I want to try something more than I want to think. This applies to a lot of different things but today it applies to margaritas. I bought the tequila, sour mix and triple sec for my house margarita. The margarita that I have in my literal house, which is an apartment. I wanted to try it out so bad that I just decided to make a margarita as soon as I got home. Only problem was that it was 10:37am when I got home. So I had a margarita for breakfast today. Which means that the chicken "nibblers" as their packaging says got eaten in one sitting. I can't ever just not eat when I've had a drink. Plus drinking ups my appetite. So when I tell you that one breakfast margarita led to a 3 hour stretch of chicken nibbler....nibblering, that ain't no lie. I've also learned why my meds say not to take with alcohol. Because I feel like I made it to 26 years old without a day of sleep. Now all of a sudden I need to sleep enough to make up for all the lost time.
Comedy Story: You Cannot Stay Younger For Longer
Anything that tells you that it will help you "stay younger for longer" is total bullshit. If you sit fruit on a table and just revisit it ever so often over the next few weeks, you'll see a perfect example of why attempting to stay young is pointless. Because fruit, like motherfuckers, gets old.
Motherfuckers, of which I and all my friends surely are, get old. This is one of our most simple truths. This is one of the reasons why everyone needs a childhood pet. You love the guy, take care of her as best you can and then one day your dad carelessly crushes her under his truck. My personal trauma aside, you learn that as the years go by it gets harder and harder for the old girl to dodge your idiot father's truck. There are things that we could have done to keep her old bones more limber, but basically my dad needed to care enough to slow the fuck down and look around from time to time. If you ask someone to give a fuck, when they obviously care about nothing, you're just wasting your time....and then burying your dog.
Beauty products are bullshit with bullshit marketing and bullshit ingredients and they tell you to smear the bullshit all over your face and body. The only thing you need is some basic lotion and you use it ever so often or as needed. You shouldn't look young when you are not young. If you're old as shit, you should be fucking people that are old as shit. You don't have anything in common with younger people. And younger people should fuck young people. You don't have anything in common with old people. You could relate to how they love how much money they have and how you would love to share in that love, but you are young and they are not. To the young and the old crowd, Don't fuck each other, it's fucking weird!
I read some bullshit about how if you walk faster you will retain your mind and health better as you get older. My grandmother blitzed around at a break neck pace for an old lady. That was before Alzheimers destroyed her mind. She ate healthy her whole life and stayed active too. And yet, no dice. She got old. Motherfuckers, of which my dear Mammaw was not one, get old. But sweet little fleet footed ladies get old too.
So that was it for the comedy story. I know this is a little shorter than usual for a comedy story but I think it's a complete enough piece. Complete in that when I was asking myself where else should I go with this topic, I came to the conclusion that there wasn't any other avenue that I wanted to explore. Maybe I should never make that conclusion and should have a standard measure for my different types of content. Let me know what you think about that in the comments. I love to keep the spirit of experimentation in my work.
Motherfuckers, of which I and all my friends surely are, get old. This is one of our most simple truths. This is one of the reasons why everyone needs a childhood pet. You love the guy, take care of her as best you can and then one day your dad carelessly crushes her under his truck. My personal trauma aside, you learn that as the years go by it gets harder and harder for the old girl to dodge your idiot father's truck. There are things that we could have done to keep her old bones more limber, but basically my dad needed to care enough to slow the fuck down and look around from time to time. If you ask someone to give a fuck, when they obviously care about nothing, you're just wasting your time....and then burying your dog.
Beauty products are bullshit with bullshit marketing and bullshit ingredients and they tell you to smear the bullshit all over your face and body. The only thing you need is some basic lotion and you use it ever so often or as needed. You shouldn't look young when you are not young. If you're old as shit, you should be fucking people that are old as shit. You don't have anything in common with younger people. And younger people should fuck young people. You don't have anything in common with old people. You could relate to how they love how much money they have and how you would love to share in that love, but you are young and they are not. To the young and the old crowd, Don't fuck each other, it's fucking weird!
I read some bullshit about how if you walk faster you will retain your mind and health better as you get older. My grandmother blitzed around at a break neck pace for an old lady. That was before Alzheimers destroyed her mind. She ate healthy her whole life and stayed active too. And yet, no dice. She got old. Motherfuckers, of which my dear Mammaw was not one, get old. But sweet little fleet footed ladies get old too.
So that was it for the comedy story. I know this is a little shorter than usual for a comedy story but I think it's a complete enough piece. Complete in that when I was asking myself where else should I go with this topic, I came to the conclusion that there wasn't any other avenue that I wanted to explore. Maybe I should never make that conclusion and should have a standard measure for my different types of content. Let me know what you think about that in the comments. I love to keep the spirit of experimentation in my work.
Short Funny Story: TMI
There is too much information available today for you to trust information. I already don't trust people so this adjustment was easy for me to make. There is such much shit to read online that if you spent the rest of your life reading without a break, you'd never scratch the surface of all there is to read. Some day we will have computer enhancements for our brains and we'll be able to just download every bit of relevant information on our chosen topic and we'll go on from there. For most people, that topic will be mostly about vaginas. How to get oneself into them, where they can be found yada yada. My point is that even then, we still won't know all there has been written because there is just too much of it for anyone to carry around.
I don't click on any link that implies that the content is going to be a numbered list unless it's a comedy site. If the numbered list thing helps you to sell your great comedy then have at it. I suppose I could give it a try on this site too, but I find the format nauseating and annoying. Not reading something because it is a numbered list featuring a couple of the old "one weird tricks" and "you won't believe number 5" a good call. You have to spend your time wisely on this Earth. Don't waste the time that you could have spent on learning the Socratic method on flipping through endless tabs about how to apply makeup or how to interpret the meaning of a text from your crush.
Have you ever taken a moment to just sit back and wonder about the nature of a world where we can ask a computer a question and it will give us back millions of responses? When I do just that, all I think is "man, I should really just go fuck myself." Nah not really, that's not what I think. I actually wonder how much of that information is actually useful. I'd wager that almost none of it is actually worth something. Worth in the sense that absorbing it would make your life better somehow.
I only trust information that I have paid for. I only trust people that will work for money. I have never learned anything all that useful about bar stuff just from googling it. I have gained every meaningful bit of expertise that I have from reading books and experiencing the trade first hand. I have never had anyone do me a favor that didn't cost me more in the end then it was ever worth to begin with. I'm saying don't let anyone do anything for free. If they won't accept your money, then they don't intend to do a good job. That or they don't think that they can do a good job.
Maybe none of what I've written here resonates with you. Maybe you think my approach is lame and archaic. That's good, all well and good. Keep doing what you do and I'll keep doing what I do. I'm in no position to advise anyone. Taking advice from someone as unsuccessful as me is like building your modern day battleship to the specifications of the viking engineers from a thousand years ago. It might work, but let's not try risk it all for a theory.
I don't click on any link that implies that the content is going to be a numbered list unless it's a comedy site. If the numbered list thing helps you to sell your great comedy then have at it. I suppose I could give it a try on this site too, but I find the format nauseating and annoying. Not reading something because it is a numbered list featuring a couple of the old "one weird tricks" and "you won't believe number 5" a good call. You have to spend your time wisely on this Earth. Don't waste the time that you could have spent on learning the Socratic method on flipping through endless tabs about how to apply makeup or how to interpret the meaning of a text from your crush.
Have you ever taken a moment to just sit back and wonder about the nature of a world where we can ask a computer a question and it will give us back millions of responses? When I do just that, all I think is "man, I should really just go fuck myself." Nah not really, that's not what I think. I actually wonder how much of that information is actually useful. I'd wager that almost none of it is actually worth something. Worth in the sense that absorbing it would make your life better somehow.
I only trust information that I have paid for. I only trust people that will work for money. I have never learned anything all that useful about bar stuff just from googling it. I have gained every meaningful bit of expertise that I have from reading books and experiencing the trade first hand. I have never had anyone do me a favor that didn't cost me more in the end then it was ever worth to begin with. I'm saying don't let anyone do anything for free. If they won't accept your money, then they don't intend to do a good job. That or they don't think that they can do a good job.
Maybe none of what I've written here resonates with you. Maybe you think my approach is lame and archaic. That's good, all well and good. Keep doing what you do and I'll keep doing what I do. I'm in no position to advise anyone. Taking advice from someone as unsuccessful as me is like building your modern day battleship to the specifications of the viking engineers from a thousand years ago. It might work, but let's not try risk it all for a theory.
Shot Glass Thought: Getting Noticed
It's an awkward time any time that you lock eyes with someone in traffic that is clearly picking their nose. As an aside, if you're in public, someone is always watching. Never pick your nose anywhere in public. Somebody is going to see you for the nasty freak that you really are. But back to the locking of eyes during a weird moment in traffic. You have to ask yourself as the person that spots the picking, "Do I want to be a normal person?" If yes the just pretend like you didn't see it and look away. If your answer was, "Nah I think I'll be a total fucking freak!"Then you should writhe your body in feigned sexual bliss and mouth the words "ooohhh baby" over and over again. There's a good chance that they will be disturbed, but you did create a memorable experience for them. And you'll never be able to say that nobody has ever noticed you.
Shot Glass Thought: Total Immersion
So you're playing your favorite video game. The game is Resident Evil 4 because you're not a chode and you like good games. The game stops addressing Leon, your beloved protagonist and starts addressing you, the non chode that you are. The game honest to God stops addressing Leon and asks you, Marcus/Martha how your work day was. Well if this is your real life, then you probably just need to see a doctor about some anti-psychotics. But what if games and the characters therein could just interact with you and know you on that level. At any moment they could just get out of character and have a smoke break with you. That would be amazing. I think that we already play that sequence out sometimes in our heads when we are playing our favorite games. If Krauser wanted to smoke a virtual doobie with me then I most certainly would put our knife fight on hold so that we could roll one up. That's the level of immersion that will draw me back into video games. I won't buy a new console for myself until we hit that level.
Book Review: The Power of Your Subconscious Mind (1963)
Book starts out by telling us that there is an infinite amount of riches just around the corner for all of us if we just hang in there and read the rest of the book. So already the book is a con and knows it's a con and is hoping that we don't know that it is a con.
Book rambles for a few paragraphs about how some dude who lost his arm, lost his arm because of the "flow of his thoughts." If thoughts made that much of a difference then everyone that ever cut me off in traffic would have died horribly and I would be a mass murdering psychic. A guy if you cut him off he'll use his powers to make you steer your car into the nearest concrete wall at top speed. I think everyone that drives would also be that same character. So this is horseshit, that's what I'm getting at.
There was a brief example about how the same suggestion could merit two wildly different responses depending on who you make the suggestions to. Well yeah, haven't you ever yelled "Suck my dick!" at a group of murderous dudes on the street corner as you drive by? They don't give the same exact reaction as when you yell it down the hallway at the nursing home.
The book points out that through the power of suggestion ancient healers were able to convince people that they weren't sick anymore by putting them through nightmarish rituals. Maybe you could consider that a healing if they forget about their aches and pains, but how do you heal the trauma associated with having minced squirrel guts and lizard tongues muddled with assorted wild berries and then smeared all over your body by a chanting mad man?
There is an example of a lady that wanted a Cadillac car. So she follows the mumbo jumbo from the book about how to imagine you are in the car until you have it. Sure enough she ends up with her uncle's Cadillac car. The uncle passed away and left it to her in his will. So either this was just an unfortunate incident, or her thoughts literally killed her uncle. Since this book wants you to believe in magic, I'm going to say that her thoughts killed her uncle for his car.
There's some marriage advice in here as well. For the nagging wife it recommends that you praise her for her positive points and show her more attention. I think that you should just imagine having the whole bed to yourself each night and your thought will force her car off a cliff with her in it. It worked really well for the Cadillac lady.
Book rambles for a few paragraphs about how some dude who lost his arm, lost his arm because of the "flow of his thoughts." If thoughts made that much of a difference then everyone that ever cut me off in traffic would have died horribly and I would be a mass murdering psychic. A guy if you cut him off he'll use his powers to make you steer your car into the nearest concrete wall at top speed. I think everyone that drives would also be that same character. So this is horseshit, that's what I'm getting at.
There was a brief example about how the same suggestion could merit two wildly different responses depending on who you make the suggestions to. Well yeah, haven't you ever yelled "Suck my dick!" at a group of murderous dudes on the street corner as you drive by? They don't give the same exact reaction as when you yell it down the hallway at the nursing home.
The book points out that through the power of suggestion ancient healers were able to convince people that they weren't sick anymore by putting them through nightmarish rituals. Maybe you could consider that a healing if they forget about their aches and pains, but how do you heal the trauma associated with having minced squirrel guts and lizard tongues muddled with assorted wild berries and then smeared all over your body by a chanting mad man?
There is an example of a lady that wanted a Cadillac car. So she follows the mumbo jumbo from the book about how to imagine you are in the car until you have it. Sure enough she ends up with her uncle's Cadillac car. The uncle passed away and left it to her in his will. So either this was just an unfortunate incident, or her thoughts literally killed her uncle. Since this book wants you to believe in magic, I'm going to say that her thoughts killed her uncle for his car.
There's some marriage advice in here as well. For the nagging wife it recommends that you praise her for her positive points and show her more attention. I think that you should just imagine having the whole bed to yourself each night and your thought will force her car off a cliff with her in it. It worked really well for the Cadillac lady.
Comedy Story: Just Having A Drink
Having a drink is the kind of thing that can take you from easy going to ruined in only a couple of hours. If you don't believe me then get drunk like you did at your high school parties at a casino. You will be homeless, unemployed and performing sexual favors for a living before the end of the week. I might be over exaggerating or fear mongering. But are you really willing to take that chance just so you can call me a bullshitter? Everyone calls me that anyway and they don't have to reduce their lives to ashes.
Alcohol is a psychoactive, addictive drug that can ruin your life. Drinking until you blackout night after night is not living it up.... okay well it sort of is. But waking up in urine is not living it up. If you passed out outside, then someone besides you might have pissed all over you. Not exactly glamorous eh?
Alcohol is too well integrated into our culture and society for it to be done away with. It shouldn't be done away with either. It is amazing! It's amazing for those that don't get addicted to it. It's pretty much the ultimate relaxer. If you work, and we all do, well even if you don't work, alcohol can make you think that there is nothing wrong with your life. No matter who you are, there are so many things wrong with you. You might be the finest used car salesman in Mississippi but if you can't get off with having your wife viciously stomp your ballbag then you still have something to work on.
Alcohol is a drug that frees you from your inhibitions and anxieties. That is until they come racing back at you much harder than you ever planned for or imagined. The anxiety that you'll experience as you sober up from your all day, all night bender will make you pine for death. But Death is a mother fucker and he won't kill your dumbass, he'll just let you wreck your 98 honda civic into a family of five......five goats after you smash through a wooden enclosure. I was going to end that after the first five but I don't want to write something that ruins the rest of my day. Just couldn't sell myself on the comedic value of a real life tragedy that happens all the time. If you are one of those animal freaks that thinks that smashing the goat family is just as tragic then go fuck yourself. Goats ain't shit man.
Hangovers are the sure sign that what you did the day before wasn't good for you. Sometimes a hangover can be so bad that it will make you think that you might be dying. And yet, alcohol is so amazing that most people will get right back into the saddle at the very next opportunity. Abusing alcohol is like making love to an alien that is more powerful than you and you know that it is destroying you but you don't mind because it's so intoxicatingly good. By alien I mean you drunk fucked some psychotic bitch at an anime convention that your nerdy friends asked you to come too. Now you need a new phone number and a new place to live because this bitch was expecting something a little more long term. You also have to spend most of an afternoon blocking her on all forms of social media.
I stopped drinking for 9 months. I stopped because I needed too and I started back at it because I again felt like I needed to. I've been told numerous times that confessing these two facts are signs that I have a problem. I think the only problem is that I told people those two facts in the first place. As long as it stays with me, nobody will notice me staggering around work and all the inventory shortages from the liquor closet.
Alcohol is a psychoactive, addictive drug that can ruin your life. Drinking until you blackout night after night is not living it up.... okay well it sort of is. But waking up in urine is not living it up. If you passed out outside, then someone besides you might have pissed all over you. Not exactly glamorous eh?
Alcohol is too well integrated into our culture and society for it to be done away with. It shouldn't be done away with either. It is amazing! It's amazing for those that don't get addicted to it. It's pretty much the ultimate relaxer. If you work, and we all do, well even if you don't work, alcohol can make you think that there is nothing wrong with your life. No matter who you are, there are so many things wrong with you. You might be the finest used car salesman in Mississippi but if you can't get off with having your wife viciously stomp your ballbag then you still have something to work on.
Alcohol is a drug that frees you from your inhibitions and anxieties. That is until they come racing back at you much harder than you ever planned for or imagined. The anxiety that you'll experience as you sober up from your all day, all night bender will make you pine for death. But Death is a mother fucker and he won't kill your dumbass, he'll just let you wreck your 98 honda civic into a family of five......five goats after you smash through a wooden enclosure. I was going to end that after the first five but I don't want to write something that ruins the rest of my day. Just couldn't sell myself on the comedic value of a real life tragedy that happens all the time. If you are one of those animal freaks that thinks that smashing the goat family is just as tragic then go fuck yourself. Goats ain't shit man.
Hangovers are the sure sign that what you did the day before wasn't good for you. Sometimes a hangover can be so bad that it will make you think that you might be dying. And yet, alcohol is so amazing that most people will get right back into the saddle at the very next opportunity. Abusing alcohol is like making love to an alien that is more powerful than you and you know that it is destroying you but you don't mind because it's so intoxicatingly good. By alien I mean you drunk fucked some psychotic bitch at an anime convention that your nerdy friends asked you to come too. Now you need a new phone number and a new place to live because this bitch was expecting something a little more long term. You also have to spend most of an afternoon blocking her on all forms of social media.
I stopped drinking for 9 months. I stopped because I needed too and I started back at it because I again felt like I needed to. I've been told numerous times that confessing these two facts are signs that I have a problem. I think the only problem is that I told people those two facts in the first place. As long as it stays with me, nobody will notice me staggering around work and all the inventory shortages from the liquor closet.
Shot Glass Thought: Secret Tablets in My Cocktail Shaker
What if one day while shaking a cocktail up I cease to hear any ice and drink crashing around the tins and instead hear the clinkling of a few tablets in there. When I break the tins and dump out the contents, 3 tablets fall out. Now obviously if this really happened I would be having some kind of psychotic episode and the reality would be that I had just awkwardly dumped someone's drink all over the bar. But for contemplation's sake, let's say that it really does play out like I've described. Would you take one of those pills? Would you take all of them? Would you take them all on separate occasions? Would you just show them to your manager and hope that they have some understanding? I would store the pills away and then take them all on separate occasions, come what may. I would remake the drink and send it out as quickly as possible. Just something to think about, tell me what you all would do in that situation.
Shot Glass Thought: Not Paying Attention While Driving
Of all the tasks that require your full attention, driving is probably the most important.That being said, I never pay attention while driving. It's just too boring. I could be in 5 lanes of traffic and be surrounded on all sides by mac trucks with methed out drivers and I would still be day dreaming. I don't text and drive, I don't drink and drive, I don't eat behind the wheel or fuck with my phone. I just day dream about having super powers or what the future will be like and think about pretty much anything except the road. I took one look when I was pulling out into traffic and saw that I couldn't make it. But I was so unengaged mentally that I took off anyway and then slammed on my breaks to prevent a five care pileup. I got several horns and middle fingers shined my way but I wasn't fazed. I was thinking about flying like Superman to work each day and having the ability to carry my trays of food and drink with only my mind. A psychic, superhero server/bartender that only uses his powers to make living. That is the comic book that is playing in my head when I'm behind the wheel.
Comedy Story: The Pointlessness of Greed
Greed is when you live for and are fueled by nothing more than the pursuit of extra material shit that you don't need. If you work 88 and a 1/2 hours a week and have no family and no real goals other than accumulation, then you are already losing to greed. When your fatass friend comes over uninvited and stays for fucking ever and eats most of what you have in your place, then the bastard is greedy when it comes to your time and when it comes to food. He's also a selfish bastard. You can tell him that to his face and then get yourself some new friends. Just kidding, he might have some other redeeming qualities. But I doubt it.
I fucking hate greed in myself. If you tell me that I can have some of your fries then I might take a fistful of your fries. That is fucked up. Why do I do that? It's like a power thing for me. You could have fries with no salt that haven't been deep fried long enough and I'll still hog them if you give me a chance. It's fucked up man. I will hog your squishy, under-cooked, unseasoned french fries just to symbolically communicate that I'm the man around here.
Rational self interest is the best mindset for every individual. But rational self interest does not involve something like "I want to start an evil corporation that owns the sun and only rations out sunlight to places that can pay our gigantic fee! muahahaha." Which is how big business seems to vibe most of the time.
Not everyone wants or needs all the exact same things. Excluding things like air, water and food. I don't want to be a professor of economics. But I do want to know enough about economics that I'll be able to realize that if I have a ton of things that nobody cares about, it won't matter how cheap I acquired them. There just won't be a demand for a giant number of worthless things. That's all the depth that I need in order to go about my life. The dark web salesman that emailed me all last week almost had me convinced that I should buy his 7 tons of finger nail clippings in order to start my famous sculpture made out of....finger nail clippings. But I backed out of the deal at the last second. I thought it would be a bad idea when I remembered that I don't know how to make sculptures.
I forgive greediness in others because I know that there is plenty of evil in me. I am the kind of guy that could start the day by agreeing to volunteer at the nursing home and end the day screaming my lungs out at the volunteer next to me because he/she "Doesn't even fucking care!" Caring is not a competitive endeavor. If you go to that shit then you care more than the people that don't go. I'm just an asshole. And I never volunteer anywhere. Because I'm an asshole.
I want people to see that greed is a waste of time. A total waste unless you have a plan for all that you are acquiring. I'm not talking about a social justice cause because that shit is pointless. I mean for the wealthy to plan on owning a country. If you can accumulate more money than the third world combined then just buy the third world. If you're going to be a self destructive money crazed maniac, then go all out. Don't be a pussy and spend it all on yachts and penthouse apartments. Purchase an exploit your own impoverished country! Now that's ambition.
I fucking hate greed in myself. If you tell me that I can have some of your fries then I might take a fistful of your fries. That is fucked up. Why do I do that? It's like a power thing for me. You could have fries with no salt that haven't been deep fried long enough and I'll still hog them if you give me a chance. It's fucked up man. I will hog your squishy, under-cooked, unseasoned french fries just to symbolically communicate that I'm the man around here.
Rational self interest is the best mindset for every individual. But rational self interest does not involve something like "I want to start an evil corporation that owns the sun and only rations out sunlight to places that can pay our gigantic fee! muahahaha." Which is how big business seems to vibe most of the time.
Not everyone wants or needs all the exact same things. Excluding things like air, water and food. I don't want to be a professor of economics. But I do want to know enough about economics that I'll be able to realize that if I have a ton of things that nobody cares about, it won't matter how cheap I acquired them. There just won't be a demand for a giant number of worthless things. That's all the depth that I need in order to go about my life. The dark web salesman that emailed me all last week almost had me convinced that I should buy his 7 tons of finger nail clippings in order to start my famous sculpture made out of....finger nail clippings. But I backed out of the deal at the last second. I thought it would be a bad idea when I remembered that I don't know how to make sculptures.
I forgive greediness in others because I know that there is plenty of evil in me. I am the kind of guy that could start the day by agreeing to volunteer at the nursing home and end the day screaming my lungs out at the volunteer next to me because he/she "Doesn't even fucking care!" Caring is not a competitive endeavor. If you go to that shit then you care more than the people that don't go. I'm just an asshole. And I never volunteer anywhere. Because I'm an asshole.
I want people to see that greed is a waste of time. A total waste unless you have a plan for all that you are acquiring. I'm not talking about a social justice cause because that shit is pointless. I mean for the wealthy to plan on owning a country. If you can accumulate more money than the third world combined then just buy the third world. If you're going to be a self destructive money crazed maniac, then go all out. Don't be a pussy and spend it all on yachts and penthouse apartments. Purchase an exploit your own impoverished country! Now that's ambition.
Shot Glass Thought: Smiles That Wrinkle Your Eyes
I love a confident woman with a smile that wrinkles her eyes. I can't stand to just appreciate it from afar, I have to always say something. Something like "Wow, what a beautiful smile. You know the only genuine smile is one that wrinkles your eyes?" To which they reply "Ugh...what are you doing in my yard?....It's 3am dude, who are you?" I think it's unfortunate that they usually ignore me after that. After all, who else could appreciate them as much as I do? I am the one that pointed out how beautiful their smile is. Without me, they would not have received an honest compliment all month. Women never give honest compliments to one another, they only give compliments with thinly veiled sarcasm. Something like "I just love the way you eat. You're so liberated and eat whatever you want all the time. So inspirational."
Shot Glass Thought: An Appreciation for Cooking
I have found that cooking can be intuition based for some people and purely the result of practice for others. For me, the result of cooking is going to sleep with an apartment that smells like it burnt to the ground. I close my eyes on those nights with a deeper, more profound appreciation for cooks as well. I haven't cooked in a while, mostly I've just been eating freezer pizza bites and drinking diet Sunkist in my apartment. Another of my favorites is the plane slice of bologna with no bread or condiment. I just love bologna on it's own. Sometimes I add a few drops of honey mustard to it. Food just doesn't mean much to me.
Short Funny Stories: I Don't Care What Your Wife Thinks
This rule of mine also applies to your girlfriend, whoever you are. I do not trust anyone. I don't care about the opinions of women or men. But I do want the input and feedback of my friends. But I do not give a mother fuck about what people close to them think. I only care about what the person that asked thinks. I might give myself third degree burns from lighting the manuscript of my book on fire. But at least I won't write another super shitty manuscript. This is the line of thinking that occurred to me when thinking about the horseshit opinions of somebody that I don't know, weighing in on my life, which they also know nothing about.
Your significant other could have wiped the ass of Stephen Hawking every day of his miserable life but that doesn't mean that she knows a fucking thing about science. That dumb cunt might not even know anything about wiping ass. Maybe she made the old bastard terribly uncomfortable every time that she had to clean him up. If you are a man and my friend and you also happen to be a doctor. I don't want health advice from your wife that cuts hair for a living. She can put the campfire that I made out of used jizz tissue out with her own fucking body for all I care. I would still hug you at her funeral. I'd hug her in the hospital but only because she's already burnt to shit.
I only want the input of my friends when I ask for it. I don't need your help or advice for any fucking thing unless I ask for it. Sometimes I just ask for it when I don't really need it, I'd just like to hear what you think. So don't just think that this one moment of me opening up to you is the beginning of some great, long winded dialogue. Neither of us are living all that interesting of lives. You hate your life and find your personal meaning up the cunt of some worthless broad that doubles as a roommate and a checking account vacuum. I work a regular job and take pills so that I act like a regular person. Even though they don't really work all the time and nobody is tricked into thinking otherwise.
I'd rather find myself actually attacked by a sentient totem pole than to listen to your idiot fucking significant other who has you by the balls/cunt ramble on about what they think that I should do or where I should go with my life. Nobody knows the struggles of the person next to them. I have worked hard to get to the regular life that I'm leading now. Relative to my more successful peers, I am a loser and a failure. I have given up on the regular life. I am not working hard to get back on track for it. Because I would rather pen a suicide note and then just abandon my current life to be a street performer in New York until the day that I froze to death. That would probably not take that long.
You might be thinking that I'm bitter about something after you read this, but that would be inaccurate. I am bitter about everything. I am like if you made a cocktail where the base liquor is angostura bitters and then put no other ingredients in it. Just a glass of bitters served up. But dropped acid before you made this drink and now you're on the beach and the whole ocean is angostura bitters. I am that ocean.
Shot Glass Thought: The Sound of Typing
There is nothing better than the peckity peck of my fingers on keys. I don't want a fucking recording of it that lasts 9 hours on YouTube to help me fall asleep. You know what helps me fall asleep? Turning all the electronics off in my apartment. I want total darkness, a pill prescribed to me by my doctor and one last terrifying video about some real life murderer.
Nothing makes me sleep like a baby quite like learning about yet another heinous, violent destructive person. There are more of those monsters out there. I like revisiting that truth right before I lay my mind and soul to rest. I don't know why but it really relaxes me. I guess if I am murdered by some sick fuck it won't be as scary as it normally would, because I've got all that midnight preparation for the moment.
So why do people watch TV shows? I fucking hate TV, let alone shows. But I'm also the kind of guy that devotes an entire post to the sound of typing. The post isn't even really about the sound of typing though so it's almost entirely bullshit. But it did give me a chance to listen to the sound of typing again.
Video Game Review: Ghost Squad Wii (2007)
I think I explained earlier in my writings that I really love shooting games that let you get your shooty on. I don't need a tutorial or a bunch of screens and text. I just want to get right to shooting. This game certainly delivers. I don't pop a game about shooting bad guys into the console with all my hopes and dreams aimed at sitting through an explanation. The only time I ever listen to explanations is when my doctor is giving them. I ignore them at work because after pretty much a whole lifetime of working I think I fucking get it. I get working that is. I make a shit ton of mistakes at work, but thankfully my job mostly has to do with personality. At least that's what I always say.
Okay the game is fucking short. A friend and I tried it out for the first time before I had to go to work and we accidentally beat the game in about 48 minutes. But that's really not a negative because I didn't plan on spending the rest of my life playing games anyway. If you're a gamer and spending your whole life on playing games then well you are a twat. I'm just kidding, games are fucking awesome and I'd rather have a full library of them than kids and a wife.
There is potential to make your friend that plays with you, and with light gun games, yes that is pretty much mandatory. A little bit uncomfortable when you are so obviously way better at light gun games. So when you're like me and you just rattle off pretty much nothing but headshoots, this can cause your friend to be a bit insecure. I wrote headshoots on purpose because I think it's really fucking hilarious.
Shoot everything on screen in every scene. There are hidden power ups that you can get by shooting random objects. If you do this then you'll be shooting all the time and that is really all I want from almost any game. I love Persona 4: Golden for the constant interaction with virtual, pretend friends. I love them more than most of the friends I've made the last few years. If I could take the characters from that game and play a light gun game with them, then I would be in Heaven. That doesn't have much to do with this review, I'm just telling you that.
The game has you blasting terrorists in a very anime flavored setting. There is nothing here but dumb entertainment that happens to be fun. I can't stress it enough, that this is all a game really has to be. I don't want every game to be The Last of Us. When I'm tired from work or just tired from depression, sometimes I don't want to contemplate the failures of humanity and the tirelessness of the human spirit. Sometimes I just want to shoot baddies. If you're like me, then you'll like this game.
Okay the game is fucking short. A friend and I tried it out for the first time before I had to go to work and we accidentally beat the game in about 48 minutes. But that's really not a negative because I didn't plan on spending the rest of my life playing games anyway. If you're a gamer and spending your whole life on playing games then well you are a twat. I'm just kidding, games are fucking awesome and I'd rather have a full library of them than kids and a wife.
There is potential to make your friend that plays with you, and with light gun games, yes that is pretty much mandatory. A little bit uncomfortable when you are so obviously way better at light gun games. So when you're like me and you just rattle off pretty much nothing but headshoots, this can cause your friend to be a bit insecure. I wrote headshoots on purpose because I think it's really fucking hilarious.
Shoot everything on screen in every scene. There are hidden power ups that you can get by shooting random objects. If you do this then you'll be shooting all the time and that is really all I want from almost any game. I love Persona 4: Golden for the constant interaction with virtual, pretend friends. I love them more than most of the friends I've made the last few years. If I could take the characters from that game and play a light gun game with them, then I would be in Heaven. That doesn't have much to do with this review, I'm just telling you that.
The game has you blasting terrorists in a very anime flavored setting. There is nothing here but dumb entertainment that happens to be fun. I can't stress it enough, that this is all a game really has to be. I don't want every game to be The Last of Us. When I'm tired from work or just tired from depression, sometimes I don't want to contemplate the failures of humanity and the tirelessness of the human spirit. Sometimes I just want to shoot baddies. If you're like me, then you'll like this game.
Shot Glass Thought: Realizing Your Friend has an Ass Obsession
So my friend was showing me all the images and clips that he has recorded of himself playing video games. It was almost exclusively close ups of female ass. He is the kind of guy that convinces himself that it's somehow a funny quirk. But really he just loves ass. He could line the walls of his apartment with pictures of ass and he'd never think it was weird. He likes ass like how I like to check for new customers at the host stand. Obsessively.
I don't find anything wrong with it, this ass obsession. It just makes me laugh that his art, the art that he makes, the stuff that he likes, the clips that he records almost always are about ass. I think if there are any single ladies out there that want a man that knows how to appreciate an ass, then hit me up and I'll put you touch with this man of many asses.
I don't find anything wrong with it, this ass obsession. It just makes me laugh that his art, the art that he makes, the stuff that he likes, the clips that he records almost always are about ass. I think if there are any single ladies out there that want a man that knows how to appreciate an ass, then hit me up and I'll put you touch with this man of many asses.
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