Short Funny Stories: I Don't Care What Your Wife Thinks

This rule of mine also applies to your girlfriend, whoever you are. I do not trust anyone. I don't care about the opinions of women or men. But I do want the input and feedback of my friends. But I do not give a mother fuck about what people close to them think. I only care about what the person that asked thinks. I might give myself third degree burns from lighting the manuscript of my book on fire. But at least I won't write another super shitty manuscript. This is the line of thinking that occurred to me when thinking about the horseshit opinions of somebody that I don't know, weighing in on my life, which they also know nothing about. 

Your significant other could have wiped the ass of Stephen Hawking every day of his miserable life but that doesn't mean that she knows a fucking thing about science. That dumb cunt might not even know anything about wiping ass. Maybe she made the old bastard terribly uncomfortable every time that she had to clean him up. If you are a man and my friend and you also happen to be a doctor. I don't want health advice from your wife that cuts hair for a living. She can put the campfire that I made out of used jizz tissue out with her own fucking body for all I care. I would still hug you at her funeral. I'd hug her in the hospital but only because she's already burnt to shit. 

I only want the input of my friends when I ask for it. I don't need your help or advice for any fucking thing unless I ask for it. Sometimes I just ask for it when I don't really need it, I'd just like to hear what you think. So don't just think that this one moment of me opening up to you is the beginning of some great, long winded dialogue. Neither of us are living all that interesting of lives. You hate your life and find your personal meaning up the cunt of some worthless broad that doubles as a roommate and a checking account vacuum. I work a regular job and take pills so that I act like a regular person. Even though they don't really work all the time and nobody is tricked into thinking otherwise. 

 I'd rather find myself actually attacked by a sentient totem pole than to listen to your idiot fucking significant other who has you by the balls/cunt ramble on about what they think that I should do or where I should go with my life. Nobody knows the struggles of the person next to them. I have worked hard to get to the regular life that I'm leading now. Relative to my more successful peers, I am a loser and a failure. I have given up on the regular life. I am not working hard to get back on track for it. Because I would rather pen a suicide note and then just abandon my current life to be a street performer in New York until the day that I froze to death. That would probably not take that long. 

You might be thinking that I'm bitter about something after you read this, but that would be inaccurate. I am bitter about everything. I am like if you made a cocktail where the base liquor is angostura bitters and then put no other ingredients in it. Just a glass of bitters served up. But dropped acid before you made this drink and now you're on the beach and the whole ocean is angostura bitters. I am that ocean.