Sometimes things from the past get to bothering right as I'm trying to drive down the road. Nobody else is is the car, just me and my thoughts that I do not want to get reacquainted with. The thoughts that I want to leave behind are the ones that make me angry. I don't want to be venting about the past in five lanes of traffic with three overly sensitive soccer moms hovering around my car thinking that my rage is directed at them. Then I get flicked off for no reason. I cut them off in order to pay them back. Then I get pulled over and given a ticket. So fuck me. That didn't really happen, but I think it definitely could.
I act out what I "should have done" in the car to show the situation who was really boss. I put "should have done" in quotation marks because I really did what was best and now am just venting like a madman about it. The "Should have done" stuff is always violent and confrontational. Like thinking that I should have knocked every tooth out of the mouth of the guy that shoved me at a party for no reason. Maybe his teeth would've been really sturdy and sharp. I might have ruined my hands while trying to beat him up. Good thing that I just glared at him and then walked on.
Another place where I get angry at the past is when I'm in the shower. Showers should be for masturbating or sex. Also it's a place where you can get clean. But it should never be a place where you pace back and forth pretending to punch and elbow an cocky ghost from the past. You shouldn't pace in the shower because it is dangerous. The only time when it is safe to pace on a wet surface is when you have on non slip shoes. I don't think anybody in the world is stripping naked and then pacing around the shower in their non slip shoes.
Sometimes when I'm being haunted by the ghosts of former anger and resentment, I haul off and punch something. This is the dumbest thing in the world. I make my living with my personality and my hands. Why would I ever take a chance on messing up one of the only two necessary components of that equation? Because emotion, specifically rage, is a powerful thing. It can make you damage relationships in ways that you never thought imaginable. The first time I ever buzzed my head was because I saw myself in the camera at a McDonald's. I was pissed that I had to wait so long for service that I started looking around and ended up discovering I was going bald. That is some bullshit. Although, now I like being bald because it's really comfortable. But you better believe that I was ranting like a madman when I was buzzing off my hair.
I don't need anger management because I never explode in the moment, I only get angry 3 months later when none of it matters. I just need to continue to give less of a fuck each day that goes by. That's the only solution. I am already on enough pills. I have already wasted enough time "talking to someone." I just need to dig deep into my soul and see that nothing is worth giving a fuck about. Then I'll be happy. I might get devoted enough to this idea that one day someone will find my blog and think that it was my religion/philosophy. But it's not anything new and it certainly wasn't my fresh new idea. Diogenes was busy not giving a fuck long before any of us were a thought. There were probably others just similar to him before he was around.
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