Believe you me, as a man, I've never been asked this question. Nobody and I mean nobody has ever called out in public "Yonder bald headed, bearded fat man, how do I get a boyfriend?". Just because it hasn't happened yet, doesn't mean that I'm not fully prepared to contribute some life changing advice for how to get a boyfriend. I might also mention that I'm not gay, so I don't have experience in the getting of a boyfriend. But I do have experience in being the boyfriend that was got. For me, that's more than enough expertise to justify making this post.
Be available. This could mean, don't already have a boyfriend in the first place. If I were answering that question, this post would be titled: "How to get a bit on the side." I'm saying don't make yourself too scarce. You should be in public enough that people can get to know you. It's hard to fall for someone that you aren't sure really exists. Unless you're on that show Catfished on MTV. My sister introduced me to that show a while back. I might have referenced that pivotal moment in my personal history before but I'm referencing it again because just like your grandpa, I love repeating myself.
Don't be judgmental. By today's moral standards, merely being a minority or woman is enough of a moral pass to allow you to go around judging everyone. Well, that's a bunch of bullshit and if you want a real man then you won't believe that. If you find a man that says he believes in that shit then you can expect to take a few drunken right hooks from him a couple years down the road. He lives the way he does because he's ashamed of himself before even doing anything wrong. He acts like he is responsible for all the bad things that have happened in the past. In order for all those things to add up in his head, he has to blast you in the face ever so often. Just so his world makes sense. This post is about "how to get a boyfriend, isn't it?" You might ask. Well yes, but it's a complex issue, I need to cover all my bases.
Don't be a stupid cunt. Yeah, this pretty much has to do with the last paragraph. I'm repeating it here because it's vital for getting a good boyfriend. That's not in the title of this post, but why would you want a bad boyfriend? You want to eventually marry a good man right? Or at the very least have a long term dating relationship with a good man, right? That's if you object to marriage, and honestly I don't blame you if you do. It's a pretty hard sell, no matter what your beliefs are.
Don't be a huge ass whore. This doesn't have anything to do with the actual size of your ass. This has everything to do with how many guys you have sucked off while you pretended to care about education for down syndrome kids while you were in your undergrad studies. We all now knew that your passion was for sucking off frat guys and not for teaching the disabled. This is because you dropped out of your studies but continued sucking off frat guys. I wonder if you'd suck off a retarded frat guy? Hmmm... now that is a puzzler.
Be able to communicate with others. Be able to talk to everyone. Not just your clique, not just your family, not just the people you go to work/church with. Be able to converse. Don't be too scared to talk with strangers or people that you think look strange when you are with a group of friends that will look out for you. Which brings me to another point, always go out with a group. If a guy is too scared to approach you when you're with your friends then he might be a rapist. I don't know if there is any evidence to support that, but there is plenty of evidence that this particular topic makes it into my dark jokes all the time. If you only have the confidence to talk to women when they are alone, that to me seems like your goal is to make them into a victim.
Know what you're looking for in a man or be willing to experiment. This boils down to experience. Don't put out. There are, in some circles, a majority of men that only want to hang around until there is some poon being served up. After that, they bounce. But it's for the better for both people if they become romantic friends, lovers, then married or long term family unit type shit. If you're a guy and you're worried that in 20 years she'll bang the pool guy, then get a pre-nup. She'll work hard, you'll work hard and you'll never have to worry about handing over half of everything that you've earned.
Give it a while before you put out, but not forever. It takes me about 2-3 months of practice pretty much everyday in order to make something into a habit. If I want to do this new thing into the long term, then I'll need 2-3 months of doing it over and over in order to make it stick. I don't know if that's how long you need to wait to put out, but it couldn't hurt. I want to be in love and have that relationship that fulfills me. So I'm really turned off of girls that put out too easily. I've also had several STD scares which have made me paranoid. What I'm saying here is that if I were to go out with a chick now, and she didn't put out for 2-3 months of consistent dating, I would've have given up on the 3rd date.
My lack of willpower would be the reason for this and to the girl that doesn't want to put out that soon, congrats, you'll find a better man than me. One day, when I grow up and learn to control myself and not be such a freak when it comes to the old in-n-out, perhaps I'll be able to take my own advice and end up in love. Who knows? I'll need at least 2-3 months of practicing being a good person before that could realistically be achieved.
Don't be an alcoholic or a drug addict. If you are one of these two things then look forward to my next big The Answers project, How to Be a Whore. Bit of a spoiler alert, nobody really wants to be a whore, male or female. You just kind of end up there because of trauma, mental health, a dark past that had no dark jokes to alleviate some of the pain. You get the picture. So, if you're addicted to alcohol, which is a drug, then get help. If you're addicted to another less well branded and publicly available drug, then email me your experience with the drug and where I can get some. Then, get some help.
Don't be psychotically religious, that shit is scary. Being addicted to your religion makes you somehow less rational than the worst meth addict. They aren't physically capable of distinguishing the difference between what is real and what is not. But the psychotically religious person simply chooses, in perfect health mind you, to not distinguish between what is real and what is not. So, have your religion but don't quote entire passages from your book within the first hour that we know each other. That will creep me out and I'll certainly write you into one of my dark jokes.
Don't have a terribly traumatic backstory that you go out of your way to tell everyone. This might be that you used to be a drug/alcohol/religion addict until you read my post "How to get a Boyfriend." Yes, this very post. You went and got help and changed for the better and you've been in the clear ever since. Only thing, you can't go on more than one date with every guy that you meet. It's because you keep telling them about all the trauma that lead up to your life altering epiphany, that moment when you read "How to get a Boyfriend" by the Comedy Apprentice. (Oh yeah baby) Well, stop doing that. I'm glad, we're glad, the whole world is glad that you got your life together. But nobody wants to feel like they will be inheriting all that shit if they get with you. So, save it for the 1st month anniversary or whatever.
That's pretty much it, if you follow these steps, you will certainly learn how to get a boyfriend. I'm glad that I could be of service. Stay tuned to Comedy Apprentice for all my dark jokes, short jokes and my dark humor. All my jokes are short unless there is a good reason for making them long. So, there is that. And yeah, thanks for reading and I'll see you on the next one!
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