Not going to lie to you all, blogging is pretty fucking stupid. I find myself juggling ideas like "how do I make a giant tomato monster bust into a burger joint for some ironic revenge?" That's the kind of thing that means you are wasting your life by most estimations.
The blog makes me work harder than ever before at my day job because I am hoping to do something that matters somewhere else than inside of my apartment. I'm always writing in the dark with a hood on, nobody comes over because nobody wants to. I take a jerk off break every 45 minutes or so. Kind of fucks up the actual workflow. And leads to a non insignificant level of soreness.
Blogging is a very isolating experience. Sure it's practice for what I want to spend the rest of my life on, but being alone with it all the time reminds me of how alone I am in this life. I'm not too keen on being alone with my thoughts when they stray into the territory of "Why do I go on living this unexamined life?" I prefer to giggle to myself about the prospects of a Godzilla sized taco fighting a Godzilla sized tofu taco.
But I can't always get to that realm. Sometimes I'm stuck in the bullshit world of not wanting to go anywhere, do anything, but still thinking about what I should do, or should be doing. Then regretting it all but doing nothing. So, I'm wasting my fucking time thinking about how I'm wasting my fucking time. And in the end, mostly just wasting my fucking seed and my fucking tissues.
I am proud of my blog and I've enjoyed writing it for the most part. Sometimes I wish I could do more than just make a few people laugh on the internet. Maybe I could solve world hunger by building a two Godzilla sized tacos, one of ground beef and the other of tofu. I could accomplish two great goals, put on the greatest show ever witnessed and feed millions of starving people. Then all the inadequacy issues that have haunted me my whole life would just waft away. Nothing like an impossible fantasy to distract you from your crushing reality.
At first I was trying to monetize this thing and then try to make my living at it. But that just seems impossible honestly. Nobody wants to click a fucking clickbank link. Nobody wants to try any of that shit and I don't feel good about pushing it on people. I'm the only one that has clicked my Amazon ads and that was only to make sure that they were working. So maybe I need a new strategy for that kind of thing. Or maybe I should just write jokes and shut the fuck up about money. If someone thinks that I'm good enough, then I'll get paid. I'm not good or experienced enough yet, so that hasn't happened. There is no point in me trying to hork worthless shit onto my audience like a sleazy used car salesman.
I was hoping that this blog could be one aspect of my body of work as a comedian. I think it still will, because I have already made up my mind to devote the rest of my life to comedy and show business. I love laughter and making people laugh is my only goal. So if I stopped the blog it would not fix anything or make me feel any better about anything, it would be totally stupid. But a voice inside of me does say "Nah just quit dude, you suck we both know it." By that logic, if I really wanted to lose weight I guess I'd blog from a communist nation or the third world. Maybe starving to death would help me to appreciate my world a little better.
I'm not going to stop writing on this blog. I love it and I appreciate the people who read it. I have been in a rut like you wouldn't believe lately, so here's to getting out of that. If I can't climb out of it on my own, I'll go to the old stand by, 3 White Russians in the morning and 4 rounds of Scotch at night. Good night, Miss, good night. Or good morning, whenever you read this, here is an implied friendly greeting for whatever the fuck time it is where you are.
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