I like the look of my own face. It's a good face honestly. It looks best when it's smiling and tending bar/serving does put a smile on my face. Where else can you make bank by helping people have a great time? I don't care if both my knees blow out and they have to wheel me around behind the bar, if I never make it in comedy, I'll just keep tending bar!
But back to my face. I have a big nose and "piercing eyes". They have also been called psychotic eyes but those were the words of some psychotic bitches that I have since left behind. (No I haven't been reading your emails, I asked you to please TURN OFF ALL CAPS) Many people feel a bit put off or excited by my gaze and why not? I'm a total stud. I'm the bartender dude, the lifelong mission of every cool guy is to be the cool guy that hands out alcohol. By the standards of many a cool guy, I'm already as cool as I could possible be. Thanks to the modern marvels of depression meds, I'm also a happy cool guy too. But being behind the bar and on pills doesn't mean that I've forgotten about the abyss, it just means I moved it to my spam folder even though I know that it contains a perfectly valid bill that I don't intend to pay right now but certainly will have to later.
My coolness and face aside, I could never work another kind of job job after having handed out the alcohol. Sometimes the handing out of the booze is very stressful, especially so when there are a great many people and you have to do it very fast. But I can't ever see myself trading in the cocktail shakers for a company hat and retirement plan as the guy who cuts off the electricity when you don't pay your bill on time. I would try to apply the same friendly warm charm that I use to welcome bar patrons on people that would not ever want anything to do with me. I mean, I could get yelled at. Not a big deal for most, but I have my feelings and my ego to think about. I need to feel like I do a cool thing for cool people and being around me makes them happy. Putting people in the dark and cold would not accomplish that feeling.
How did I end up like this? You mean, perfect? Well I can't explain all that but drinking until you blackout for three years and then one day waking up to the worst alcohol induced anxiety imaginable has a way of molding you. Yes I hid in the bathroom from my roommates and was convinced that they might be planning to kill me, but what if they were? I would have been safe long enough to call the cops and be rescued. The preservation of my life is a boon to all. Plus, you don't know these guys like I do. You ever felt nervous like somebody might be watching you fap through your webcam? Well your instincts were right, because my roommates were the ones watching you. They are totally "not into that stuff dude" they just like to be were they shouldn't be. Like a ghost that haunts a house that he didn't die in. It's fucking weird. They might have been ghosts.
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