I want to be remembered for creating a company that writes suicide letters for people that want to kill themselves. Maybe that last sentence was the ultimate capitalist puke that drives so many people crazy nowadays. But I think a world of convenience and innovation is something that we could all stand to benefit from. We could provide a deluxe package where we tell your family that you're going on a skiing vacation when really you are going to wonder off and get eaten by a yeti. That service is ready right now, we know where the yeti are!
If you want to die by your own hand, then you probably don't want to wait too much longer. Why deal with the hassle of hastily penning your own suicide letter when my company can do it for you? Let's say that you are a proud young writer that tries out his new manuscript. After sending it to hundreds of publishing companies, the only person that likes it is an illiterate man on the street that you read it too. Then you paid him for his time. So that's not the worst thing that could happen to anybody, but it might be the worst thing that could happen to you. Don't hang around and explain it to your family, let us do that for you!
People are going to kill themselves anyway, why let this untapped market go to waste? I might as well be the one to get rich off of this most human of human suffering. Let's say that some radiant woman at work talked to you for five minutes one day. You wonder if she'll ever find out that you hacked her webcam and have been watching her spoon with her dog the last five months. You've also been watching her masturbate. You know you have. We know, and you know and now she should know. But you don't have to be around for that.
Sure you might be thinking: "How is this ethical? How can one person be so callused? What level of greed makes a man the way that the one I am reading is?" Making friends with me is like planning on going out on the town but then realizing once you're already in the city that you forgot your ruffies. Actually I don't know how those two things are related but I'd better remember to take my ruffies out on the town with me tonight. Okay that's not really believable, I never go out on the town.
Suicide is devastating, but the less time spent on penning a goodbye note, the quicker your family can find you. This means the grieving process will begin and end much sooner than what we're all used to. So if business is bad and you want to fly, don't waste your time on affirmations and thinking positively super hard about it. Just fill out one of our forms and then fly right out of the window of your penthouse apartment.
As someone who has wanted, and deserved to die in the past, I think I speak for everyone that reads my work when I say: I won't be missed. But for the rest of those out there that do mean something to someone, don't do it! Don't give my business a reason to exist. I don't want to develop goodbye note templates and all that such nonsense. I want families to stay together and for us to all laugh and smile. Whatever it is that's got you feeling hopeless, it won't last forever. Unlike how much the people at my work can't stand me, that is eternal.
Click here if you have a hobby that you would like to turn into a business: https://e8b2fa0bng3qzbv8xafqmnbo9p.hop.clickbank.net/
This is the suicide hotline phone number: 1-800-273-8255
This is their website: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Click on any of these if you want to enjoy some legendary comedy:
No comments:
Post a Comment