The woman that is the most beautiful woman in the world has eyes that could look right into your soul. Those eyes saw a drunken, mentally ill asshole and didn't put him down any at all. She gave that dickhead a fair chance to know her and learn from her. She must have been told by God to do it, because nobody wants to be close to that guy. Oh for fucks sake, I'm that guy. But if you've read some of my other stuff, you already knew that.
She had a heart that could forgive almost anything, even the evil shitty stuff that I did to her. She made me happier than I've ever been, while I might have made her more miserable than she's ever been. What can I say? My entire family is right after all, I am a fuck up. Dealing with me is like ordering black, regular coffee and having the waiter bring you psychedelic mushroom tea. I am not what is expected and I am not better than what you asked for.
Her smile so warm that it could melt any cold heart, including my callused stupid one. I was full of rage and booze every day, mad at the world for how it had treated me. Even though there are billions of people on the planet in worse shape than me, I was unwilling to think about it like that. I was selfish, and I still am. My favorite subject is me. And now I've lost my train of thought, but I am thinking about me again. Which is the right train to be on anyway. If only it had enough seats for everyone in world.
Eventually I realized how special she was and ended my idiotic behavior. I did everything I could to make her mine, but I failed. But of course I failed. I am not good enough! When the big time comedy bucks come rolling in and I make myself into a big shiny star, I still won't be good enough. My ways, my manners, my personality are all corrupted. She was pure like cold creek water cutting through the mountains of North Carolina. Don't drink that water because it is polluted nowadays, and will give you a fearsome bout of diarrhea. She was as pure as the idea of that water, not the reality of drinking it. I on the other hand, am a pyroclastic flow dripping from the asshole of a skyscraper sized demon.
No woman will ever move me like she did. I had my chance and I didn't make it happen, fair and square. So let's just have some fun and run out the clock on life! Some people never get to meet the love of their life, but I did. She was just as good as I had always hoped for and never deserved. She'll make somebody that is not me happy until eternity. Had she gone with me, she would have been praying every day to go to eternity. I have some time left in my life probably, so I'll just have as much fun as I can while I wait for the end. Fun for me is going to the library, so I don't mean cocaine and hookers when I say fun. But we can do that after the library if there is anyone in the mood for some cocaine and hookers.
I was more than willing to give up everything and just work to make her life as good as possible. But she didn't want that. I have already thanked her for that. I know it would have ruined my life and eventually depression would have overtaken me if I were to give up on comedy and dreams in general. So she really saved my life twice, once for just being able to tolerate me and twice when she turned my big dramatic, stupid ass offer down. I was far less convincing than any ad that you see on TV. McDonald's ads can trick me into going in to their restaurants again with their perfectly arranged burgers. But when you get there you come back to reality. The food is still just messy, salty, tasty slop. I want that to be the way people describe this website too. Yeah, I'm pretty fucking ambitious.
I convinced myself that she was in love with me, that was the only real fault besides all the manipulation and bastardly deeds. I know it's usually dastardly deeds, but I'm an innovator and I act like a total bastard most of the time. I would have been the greatest mistake in her whole life, she is still perfect and my heart is still in a billion pieces. My heart thought that it was metaphorically going out on the town for the first time. If going out on the town is symbolic of being in love forever. And if that's the case, it did go out on the town for the first time, but mostly remembers the night for being it's first panic attack when it got lost and realized it was actually all alone.
The best thing about it is that now I have the freedom to act like a total fool on dates. I always had that freedom, I just didn't realize it. Who cares if they work out? I already blew my shot at the most beautiful woman in the world. I can now say literally anything to any date and it won't mean a thing.
I can do my next 17 to 100 dates acting like Anthony Hopkins' Hannibal Lecter if I so choose. I might call every date that I have from here on out Clarice, regardless of the actual name. She could be ...Doris or something I don't know. No I'm not going out on a date with a grandmother, I just couldn't think of woman names besides Halle Berry. I don't know any other Halle's so I went with Doris, it's whatever. I go on dates so rarely that 100 of them would probably put me at the end of my life where I would die of natural causes. So this is a happy story with a happy ending..tada.
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Click here if you want to hear the song that I sang and cried to pathetically all night after I realized it was never going to happen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zy1lWiHHHFY
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