Comedy Story: The Right Outlet Mall Job

In jobs that require you to face the public, you have to answer the question "Do I like going to this place on my own time?" This question is in reference to the place where you are considering employment. I love restaurants and making people happy, so it makes sense that I would enjoy tending bar and serving. I genuinely like being at work when it's busy and I genuinely like getting a check for the hours I work when it is not busy. I do side work and prep things and do all the basic tasks that a restaurant needs to have done. But when it's slow enough to run out of those things, that's when the pen and paper come out and I start jotting down ideas for comedy. Expecting people to find something to do when everything is effectively done is criminally insane. By the way, if you don't pretend like your dish hose is a laser gun and make the appropriate sound effects to convey that while using it, then we can't be friends.  

The outlet mall used to be a place where people would go to spend an entire day wasting money that they didn't have, on clothes that they didn't need, for fun. Now it's a place where nobody goes. Except there are some malls where there are still plenty of people. So if you're an introvert and you want an easy job, then put in some leg work on this and find yourself a mall that looks like it was only built to accommodate dust. Have a peek inside the trashcans in the place. If they are full, then this place might have something going on. But if you can't find a single full trashcan, then nobody comes in this place. In other words, it's perfect. 

There are probably some malls out there that are doing great. Packed full of people every day and make great sales. These are places you will want to avoid if you don't like dealing with people. If you do, and you think you might enjoy conducting a high volume of transactions, then this will be a great fit. I would prefer to work in a mall where I could hear every step that I take echoing off the walls because of the lack of people. But that's just me. I would like working somewhere where I could leave my "work station" for hours at a time and have nobody notice or care. I need a job where I can fall asleep at my "work station" and not get written up. Did you feel inspired when you read that last line? Because I did when I was proofreading it. 

Some people want to work really hard all the time and make a lot of money. To me that is not a worthy trade. I give you all my life, including the time that I have to spend money, and you give me money. That I will never spend. Forgive me because I'm pretty dense, but isn't that just the carrot on a stick dangling in front of a jack ass? Because that's how I feel when I work lot's of hours, like a jack ass with no damn carrot. My version of a carrot would be how much closer I'm getting to my dreams. I think that also works as a metaphor in that if I do nothing but work I will feel effectively dickless, as I would be too tired to have sex if there were a willing partner anywhere near my apartment to begin with. The carrot being the sex.    

Working all the time at something that you don't care about is degrading. So don't work like that at a mall that is busy unless that is somehow your dream. If it is, then God bless you and have a good life. But for the people like me that need an uninvolved job that keeps the bills paid and allows us to work on what we really care about, the slow mall is the right mall. Working at a business that is slow, or as a security guard in general is the way to make your hobby into your full time job. Some people call it a life hack. We call those people millennials and they have odd beliefs about gender so don't bring it up.   

This is the part where I sing the praises of capitalism. Only in a system as perfectly flawed as this can you consistently land yourself jobs where nothing is expected of you and you're compensated for doing something other than what the job entails. I do jot down plenty of comedy ideas while I'm at work. The job listing when I hired on did not say "Bartender/Server needed, please bring something with you to do on our slow days." Even so, nobody objects, nobody cares, they just want the job done so they can keep making money. As long as you never mess with that, then you are golden.

Capitalism will let you build and program your quantum computer in your aunt and uncle's basement while helping you to have enough money to pay them for the space. They always refuse your money because they are kind hearted and hope you aren't losing your mind, so they haven't told your parents yet that every night you come over and plug into the matrix. Your job by day is to remove malware from the computers of the helpless grannies and pappaws of the world who clicked a fake ad for discount shoes. You'll have enough money to buy your materials, research stuff, and pay your rent. You can probably budget one trip to your favorite restaurant a week if you have cheap taste. All while you change the world and leave a legacy.

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Click here if you your spirits need a lifting: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZQxH_8raCI 

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Short Funny Stories: Indecision

There is a difference between the genius perfectionist that keeps refining something until it is perfect and the moronic time-waster who just keeps making irrelevant changes to something. I am the latter of the two. Maybe my mind could yield something useful to the world but I'm probably just thinking about how to make a bit about playing peek-a-boo with an adult Bengal tiger. All the while, never really deciding on what that bit should be. 

Do you know how long it took me to pick out the fonts for this site? Do you know how many times I changed them? These are things that do not lead to production. They are static factors that once they have been set in place, should not be messed with again. They should be like the sun, you always expect it to come up and be yellow, orange, or reddish pink when it's setting. You don't ever expect the sun to come up as a giant neon rainbow like there is a gay pride parade in the sky. 

Now you do need to pick a font and you do need to pick a theme if you're going to have a website. I'm talking about the visual theme here not the theme of my writing. The theme of my writing is to get mad chuckles. But like I was saying, you can't have a giant wall of text as your site. Nobody is going to like that. And it's perfectly acceptable to spend a good amount of time on deciding. But flip-flopping a million times without really coming to a decisive conclusion is not a part of have a productive mindset. Getting me to decide on something is as productive as changing your main foundation for construction from concrete and steel to dominoes and Gorilla tape. It's a decision that means that you don't mind doing all the work over again. 

Creatively, I can put more work into getting nothing done than anyone you've ever met. You and I might meet for a cup of coffee on Thursday of whatever. During that time we may talk about the project that I have in the works for the coming months. If we meet for coffee again in 3 years, I might still be working on that same project. I have the patience to build a barn out of toothpicks, but nobody wants a barn made out of toothpicks. I don't think it would be all that good at containing cows either. My work takes a long time is what I'm saying. 

It's infuriating and probably not good for my mental health to be so indecisive. I could definitely have a full on meltdown while trying to decide what part of the text should be underlined or not. I have never intentionally underlined anything on this site. But I've definitely thought about it!

Ultimately I'm perfectly okay with wasting all this time. I'm never satisfied with what I've done, but there is a point where there is really no point in continuing to work on something. That's the point at which I can relax. Whatever I've made isn't perfect but I do feel at that time that it's time to stop. And that's a good place to get to. By the way the new theme is called Ultra generic. This was not a decision that I arrived at quickly. 

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Comedy Story: You Don't Want To Sell Drinks For Cheap

When you sell your cocktails/regular old liquor for cheap, you encourage people to drink more. When people drink more, you can expect more violence, danger and stress. It's like having a free breakfast for dads on Father's day. You might expect to make your money on all the family that the dads will bring with them, but in reality it will just be a bunch of cheap bastard dads that want to eat for free. You might believe you are doing something good, but really you are acting without considering the incentives. 

Bar owners who always go for the cheap special or want to do things for cheap because they like to buy cheap, are putting their potential good regular patrons in danger out of personal preference. You want people who can pay a fee for class, not total scumbags that don't care about atmosphere. These guys just want to get wasted and act a fool. That kind of attitude is for a party at your house, not a bar. Getting wasted is fun, getting wasted with friends is fun. But getting wasted with complete strangers in public is just asking for disaster. Asking your employees to deal with that is pretty much like asking a peaceful old goat shepard from Sudan to take over peace discussions between Israel and the rest of the middle east. They aren't qualified for the job and the only thing they'll understand is that everyone is yelling.  

Working for cheap is not the great competitive edge that people think that it is. The cheaper you work, the more business you have to do with classless people. People that want to be paid what they're worth will be more expensive to deal with up front, but will do better business with you. People that are cheap to deal with up front will cost you everything in idiocy. If people want to slum it up and drink until their liver stops then they should go to the liquor store and get a $12 per gallon vodka and do the deed at their house. If "treating" your friends to Popov vodka and Sunny Dee is your idea of a great time then the rest of us are better off without you being out and about socializing with us. Scientists have known for decades that Popov combined with Sunny Dee is chemically the same as combining Liquid cocaine with high fructose corn syrup and the juice that leaks out of your trash bags as you carry them to the dumpster.   

Bar owners that want to carry cheap products and sell them for cheap are encouraging more danger, more drunk driving, more shooting and fighting. So if you're a sociopathic freak and you don't care to lose all of your investment in your bar, then by all means sell for cheap and keep the danger level way up high. Maybe you could carry a gun on your hip and instigate fights with your patrons and then shoot it out with them like it's the wild west. Keep your lawyer on speed dial because you're going to make him a millionaire while you make yourself go bust. 

You will be afraid for your life if you let people get too drunk for too cheap. But the customer will be afraid for his wallet and savings account if he gets too drunk on drinks that are not cheap. This is a very effective deterrent for the madness of drunk wild patrons. Your bar is about providing a good friendly experience, not shilling out hooch at a bargain. Liquor is a dangerous and addictive drug. It should not be treated as carelessly as Bob Seger CD's in buy 1 get one free bin at the local pawn shop. 

Your employees will be less than stellar if you decide to sell everything for cheap. The best of the best want to sell high and make good honest money. They don't want to catch a stray bullet trying to carry trays to the table full of chicken wings on $0.75 beer night. But if you think I'm wrong then just consider where the cheapest drinks are in your town. Does that also happen to be the place with the most trouble? Yes it is and now you know why. When you open your bar, try to price so that you make the most money on the least amount of work. When you do that, you'll have less to worry about. You don't want to be the place where people think that they might be able to buy 4$ hits of Flakka from your bartender on his smoke break. They do the shit in the parking lot and then come back inside raving about how they've become the Antichrist with a temperature of 120 while completely in the nude and still get service. Don't be that bar.  

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These are the links that helped me to write this post:

 https://drugabuse.com/flakka/effects-use/  

https://www.worldatlas.com/articles/top-12-live-sheep-and-goat-exporting-countries.html 

Click here if you'd like a classy drinking song that really isn't a drinking song, but I do drink while I listen to it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2hL0BAA_sUM 

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Comedy Story: Order Something Simple

If you order something simple then you won't get your order messed up. Don't be mad when you give a new server 17 modifiers and the dish comes out looking like shit. It's your fault, you ordered shit. As a bartender server I can tell you that we are definitely too dumb to handle that many modifications to dishes. Our kitchens are also too dumb to get it right on the off day that we actually typed it all in the computer correctly. Just pick something that you like on the menu. Do yourself a favor and don't test our intelligence. Don't ask me for the shrimp from one menu item, the mash potatoes from another and then ask if I can have the kitchen mash all that together into a club sandwich with sauteed zucchini on the side. I didn't get all of it written down the first time you said it, and you're too much of an asshole to repeat it politely, so I move on with my standard dead look in my eyes. Eventually you'll go home to gripe about me to your cat and we'll both be just fine. 

If I was smart enough to handle 32 variations of the same dish then I would do something else. I'm not secretly about to finish my medical degree, and all along I've just been tricking you into thinking that I'm dumb. I am dumb. Don't ask me about the food either, because I don't know anything about food. Sometimes I just eat cheddar cheese out of the bag in my fridge as a meal. I stand there, usually with my shirt off and just feed my face handfuls of shredded cheddar cheese. I usually have a glass of diet Sunkist no matter what meal I'm having, so no I do not know what wine will pair perfectly with your monster mash dish that you made me write down earlier. 

Life is about choices, and I chose a profession where you serve the public. Even if it's a private club or a Ruby Tuesday's, you are still serving the public. Working directly for and being paid by people. Nobody is more hateful in the universe than people. So if I'm willing to subject myself to that then you know I've got to be pretty dumb. I will give the same average service to whatever chump happens to walk through the door. I don't pay attention to the news either so if the King of all Somali pirates came in for some pretzel bites and beer cheese, I'd take care of him. I might try to up-sell him to the craft beer over domestic if I'm feeling frisky, but it's not likely. 

Do you know what I like to do at work? Find ways to not do work. I look for subtle ways, never something that can get me automatically caught. I want to have just enough activity going that it looks like I'm really getting something done. Any more than that level of effort and I might as well just work. It's that sweet spot that keeps me from really having to do anything that I always want to stay in. Do you anticipate that this will lead me to great success? I anticipate that it will not. But I can guarantee you that nothing that an employer asks you to do will ever actually matter. If you have a job after the first week you should know enough about it to know what the mandatory things are and that's all you need to know. Just the general basic idea of what needs to happen. Any more than that is a waste of time unless you're just passionate. Doing your best on something that is not your dream is like going broke funding your Presidential campaign when all you really want is to be the mayor of a small fishing town.  

Are my parents, family and friends disappointed in the lack of effort that I put into my life? Possibly, I haven't and won't ask. I prefer to stay in the margin of we love each other but we don't really talk about important things. You might see a pattern here as this perspective is very similar to my approach to work. I really care a lot about just one thing which is this website. I've pretty much cancelled all my other creative endeavors to do this and have absolutely zero regrets. I might be chopping down trees in forests by myself right now, but I think eventually the forest service will take notice. I'm not sure if that metaphor works but I want to keep it anyway.

So while I put 98% of my minimal effort into this website, the other 2% can be split between everything else including my job. And even on only 2% I'm still living pretty good. So as long as the world keeps spinning, the grass on the golf course keeps growing and UFOs keep mutilating a cattle, I'll just be here doing what I do and not breaking a sweat. That is until guests that happen to know each other decide to have an impromptu 18 person table and want to know why the kitchen is so slow about getting them their food. Then a tidal wave of sweat pours out of me that only the most extreme surfer dudes and chicks could tame. 

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Comedy Story: Embezzlement Should Be A Lot More Fun

I'm not glad that there is so much crime in the world, but I am glad that there is so much diversity in the types of crime that can be committed. Embezzlement is one of the best crimes even when, and usually when you get caught and have to pay most of it back. But what's better than a crazy ass spending spree on a bunch of money that isn't yours? The highs that you reach on that coin will far outweigh the lifetime of payments that you will be making there after. That level of spending euphoria could only be reached in the climbing world by riding a giraffe to the top of Mt. Everest. The giraffe would be in a tailor made winter coat and you would set off fire works when you got to the top. Obviously the fireworks would make an American flag. 

Sure it's a selfish greed fueled act that is not morally permissible under any circumstances, but it does look like a lot of fun. This is and always will be a capitalist world. Idealists the world over can cry all they want about the inherent greed of everything but it will never do any good. Our government is bought out, our favorite icons are bought out, you and I are sellouts even if we don't realize it. Embezzlement is just the logical conclusion of a flawed, but best of the options available world. I don't see why more embezzling accountants don't just use the money they steal in order to retire to a third world country and live like a king. Nobody in law enforcement will be coming after you if you become the nerdy white guy arms dealer in war torn Nigeria. You can build a palace there for like 78k tops. Will it be up to code? Well no but a palace made of bamboo is still a palace which means you can still enjoy cocaine and hookers there.  

When you take money or assets from a company that you are entrusted with the financial management there of, you have committed embezzlement as far as I can tell from a few seconds of looking at a definition. A lady in Sioux Falls SD is having to pay back the 100k that she stole while bookkeeping for a couple dental practices. Honestly, what else are you going to do besides break the law if you live in South Dakota? Boring places should have the highest pay in the nation to compensate for the infinite boredom that you will be subject to while living there. The state of South Dakota should provide every city in their state with a theme park and every business as much cocaine as is humanly possible to consume. Every time you watch the cars going by on the highway in South Dakota you are actually witnessing the metaphorical best years of your life slipping away from you. All the while you just stand there in the only convenience store for miles with your cheese puffs and a diet Pepsi in your hands waiting to hand over a little more of the cash that you could be using to escape to Las Vegas. 

I wonder if there is something to the idea that people who commit embezzlement really do deserve that extra money. What if the amount that they steal is the amount that they should be paid based on experience and skill? Maybe the solution to embezzlement is the yearly salary increase for good employees. Lord knows, college graduates are almost universally useless and the experienced older workers will never see any appreciation. It's like there is a set of golden rules of business that none of us regular people ever get to see. "No matter what Jim you must never pay for experience, hire the incompetent young guy that will take 7 years to train and make sure to sexually harass your secretary. Got all that Jim? Good man. Now get out there and get nothing done."  

It makes me happy that the people who get caught embezzling usually don't seem to do very much time. It's still just a financial crime and for me that really doesn't mean much. It's just money, which can be paid back. Usually the amounts stolen will take an incredibly long time to pay back but it is possible. There should be a happy ending to these stories because there is a lot of ways to pay off debts. Which would you rather pay on for the rest of your life, the student loans that made it possible for you to earn your useless Masters in Fine Arts? Or the aftermath of the greatest sin binge that the mind could ever conjure? It's an easy decision for all of us, but only some of us would ever admit it.

I think it's important to establish the level of personal and professional investment the embezzler has in the company they are stealing from. This way we can see if they really do love the place but need more money because of gambling, drug addiction or some other life problem. If the life problem is the issue, then that could be treated. If they really do love the place and need more money, then keep their current salary and establish some kind of commission option. This might attach them to their actions within the company more so than before. The information that I contribute to the world is like when a horrifying sea creature bites the window you are looking out of in your submarine. It's alarming, you might have peed a bit, but ultimately pointless as the act will never do any tangible good beyond entertainment. Entertainment for the jerks laughing at you on the bottom of the ocean.

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Click here if you'd like to learn more about embezzlement: https://legal-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/embezzlement

Click here if you'd like to hear more about the South Dakota lady: https://www.sfgate.com/news/crime/article/Former-dental-bookkeeper-facing-embezzlement-14378369.php

Click here if you'd like to know more about what to expect when you move to Nigeria: https://www.businessinsider.com/the-worlds-worst-war-zones-2015-3#4-nigeria-was-the-fourth-deadliest-conflict-with-11529-fatalities-the-intensifying-conflict-with-boko-haram-resulted-in-almost-three-times-those-killed-in-2013-4

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Comedy Story: Having A Broken Heart

It really sucks to be broken hearted because of love and missing someone that is special to you. Sometimes this means death and sometimes it means they live too far away. Sometimes it means that you followed them home and jerked off in their bushes every night for a few months until the neighbors reported you. These things happen and you can't dwell on them forever. If you did you'd be in a DMT level trance but with no aliens and face of God kaleidoscopes, just a never ending highlight real of all the times you got too drunk and puked on the dance floor. 

The broken hearted feeling sucks and I fucking hate it. I hate it when my enemies have it and I don't even have enemies, just a couple guys that don't want to play basketball with me at the gym. I don't want those that don't like me to have to deal with heartache, it just sucks so bad. I don't want to have this feeling for myself or anyone else. Heart ache is when you are in so much pain that you could sit on a park bench and watch an entire family get abducted by men with pantyhose masks and you would not even realize it when aliens abducted the men who were abducting the family. 

We all have to lose people, and no one stays in your life forever. You want to hold onto those memories and cherish them and love those people and stay in contact with them as much as you can. But it's a part of life that you lose people when they die or when they move away to some extent. It's even worse if you're like so many of the elderly folks who develop dementia and lose even the memories that meant so much to them. I've said it before but life is cruel. Life breaks you down like a mad chemist trying to invent a breakthrough in chemical warfare. Life kicks your shins as hard as when you crack them on a trailer hitch that you didn't see. Life likes to hint that things are going to get better and then punts your nut sack to the 7 yard line from the back of it's own end zone. 

Sometimes I think about parallel universes where if I could travel far enough from where I am now maybe I could go see the person that I've lost again or visit that person that I miss the most. I'd definitely do it, consequences be damned even if they didn't recognize me and it was only for a little while. To smell the smells and see the sights and hear the sounds with them just one more time. But it's just not going to happen. You may be thinking that I need to go to therapy because I've written all this mopey shit. But therapy only ever helped me once, a long time ago. That lady moved out of state, so like I said you can never really win. Winning in life is just a temporary clotting of a massive wound near some of the more important organs. It's going to tear open again at some point but at least for now you don't have to clean up a massive mess. 

I feel overwhelming sadness when I think of what I've lost. So I follow Psalm 90:12 "Teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom." When you number your days you feel a sense of progression. I prefer tally marks over crossing days off on the calendar. My tally marks are a real life version of an experience bar from a video game. I'm too old to be leveling up my team composed entirely of fire Pokemon these days, so I just level myself up at the things that matter to me. I get the same rush as when I was playing Pokemon Silver everyday as a kid which was probably the last time that I was genuinely happy too. Staring for long hours at my Gameboy Color might have ruined my eyesight but just like the diabetic on a donut binge, I'm too far in the game to care.    

I don't think I'll ever get over the things that really make me sad. I'll always be bracing to lose people that I care about. I'll probably never expect it to workout romantically with someone that I really love. I think I'll just be remembering my days and working towards the next day. If you do that 10,000 times at some point you're just doing one more time every single day. You don't plan for 10,000 days you just do 10,000 one more times. I want to be like a bridge over the ocean. Weathered plenty of storms over a long life, but never went down except after that one last massive hurricane in my 85th year.   

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Comedy Story: Key to Space Travel? Packed Lunches and Sex

Buildings, restaurants, movie theaters and city's in general need to do a better job of planning for romance. From hotels to city hall, any place where romance can be, romance should be. Romance is important to mankind. How much better would the standard of living be if every structure in every city and town was planned for romance and procreation? Yes there would be a lot more babies, but aren't we about to start colonizing space? Yes, every place would smell like sex, but wouldn't that be great for air freshener companies? This is a universal plan that holds to many pluses for the negatives to even be written down.

What's prim and proper as it pertains to sexuality is outdated. If you think that sex is for the master bedroom only then it's high time you dawned your scarlet letter and got back to churning butter. People are banging. Space is waiting for us, all we need is the right kind of space ship to send lot's of unwanted people to space. All we have to do is create the right kind of space ship for the job, the right kind of space stations to link all the different humans together in communication and enough packed lunches to keep all the astronauts supplied until they get where they are going. I guess then they would also need materials to create Earth like living quarters out of all the space that they land on. So pack that stuff and we'll send more packed lunches as we go along.

In this, my featured scenario, STD's would be rampant. Unplanned pregnancies would go through the roof. The Earth is already over populated and polluted, so we develop our super computer first. The computer figures out how to give us flying saucers and then we start sending most of the population to astronaut certification school so we can colonize the galaxy. If you're pretty much a fuck up already, like myself, then you have to go through the astronaut certification program at your local community college. We don't need a country of 10 million waiters and bartenders. College students that are actually smart enough to make it in college will replace us losers and we will go to space in rickety, used car versions of space ships. We open massive factories to make packed lunches for all the explorers and boom the perfect plot for humanity.

What we really want as a species is to advance our technology so much that we ascend into dimensions where you can't even see us. Basically we want to become space ghosts that rule entire universes. The barely developed cavemen on the far side of existence we will go to visit so that we can elevate them into something technologically amazing too. That's the future of humanity. If you disagree with me then you are in all likelihood a religious fanatic who may or may not believe, as of just now that I am the Antichrist. I am unfazed by your judgment as you will no doubt believe the same thing about the next bagger at the grocery store that happens to be a minority with a smile or a young person with a visible tattoo.

Will all this procreating make us even more desensitized to each other than we already are? Maybe so, but I think it's a worthy trade if you get to have sex with anyone and everyone whenever and wherever you want. Obviously people can still say no, there's no totalitarian rule that says you can't say no. But the opportunity and the chance is still there. There's a chance that they might say yes and if you always have somewhere to do it and that place is always stocked with condoms, then what do you have to lose? Well you probably won't use the condoms. If the space program needs even more government slaves than are already available, then we could just get rid of the condoms. This new way of living will allow humanity to take over the universe and I will have been the one to put it to blog post format first. Which means that some time after I die, some kooks will invent a religion around my blog. This of course, was always my master plan.

You might be thinking that I won't get to see this future, but that is not the case. With this post I have published the blue print for the future of mankind. Everything that happens after this will culminate in the future that I have outlined. Once the policies start to take shape in this timeline, I'll just consult the first super computer that we invent, which should not be too far in the future about time travel. The computer will figure it out and I'll hop through the wormhole into my smelly, space travelly, future full of boning. Like I said before, there really is no downside to this plan. If you and I still can't agree on how great my plan is than you are likely grazing in a field of green grass with the rest of the sheep. The sheep think it's weird that a religious fanatic is helping them to keep the grass short, but they don't question it, same as you.

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Short Funny Story: Reacting to "Take me Away"

So a very stonery friend of mine asked me what I would do if a girl asked me to take her away to someplace safe. The setting being a party where the girl has a man, and he is at the party. Well first things first I would help her. By introducing her to a new setting, namely my basement torture dungeon. 

But actually I would try to figure out where the danger is that she wants to get away from. That way we can determine the best way out of the venue. We will want to take a route that bypasses the danger. On the way I will be thinking but not saying all of these things: First of all what the fucking shit? Why have you asked me? Why have you put yourself in this situation? Why have you decided to bring me into the situation with you? Do you think that I do not want to be safe? That I was just pining for some adventure and danger? Well I was not you selfish cow. 

I'm still going to help because I can't ignore someone in trouble. Still a shitty thing to take me out of my isolated bubble of peacefulness in order to rescue you from whatever. Yes that is how I am at parties. You can do whatever you want at the party, I will be figuring out what I want to do after my social obligation to the friends at the party is up. This could also just be some setup for me to be mugged. Which will have made it a complete waste of time on all fronts. I have no money, so the criminals get no roi of their time and effort. I get stressed out for a bit but ultimately never go to a party again. Which actually makes it not a waste of time because then it gives me a reason to never go back to one. I'll be in the front row at church thanking God at the top of my lungs just like the preacher wants. 

Going to a party for me is like asking 1 person to clean up an exploded nuclear reactor by him or herself. Not a qualified person either, just someone off the streets. The task is too great, the pressure too much and my willpower far too little. Asking me to help someone is like asking a hermit that has meditated for a 1,000 years on top of a mtn to start working doubles as a cook at the local Ruby Tuesdays. It's far too much human interaction and I'd much rather do nothing. 

That being said I am a highly empathetic guy. So if someone approaches me with the aforementioned scenario I would be concerned,sad and angry. Concerned for her immediate safety, sad that she's having a hard time and angry at the world for being the way that it has always been. My 1,000 years of meditating on top of Bell Mtn, Hiawassee GA have taught me that life will fuck you no matter who you fuck. You spend must of your time waiting to be fucked. 

So I'd take the broad out of her nasty situation and through the McDonald's drove thru. Which is by some considerations to be an even nastier situation, especially if you work there. Then we're off to her house. If something criminal had happened to her, then we'd hit the hospital or police station, whichever is the most immediate need. We'd still hit Mickie d's though. I am  an American after all. 

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Comedy Story: The Opportunity Costs of Life

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Short Funny Stories: Should I Care about Calligraphy?

So I dated this girl once who was really into calligraphy. By dated I mean we had sex twice, then she stopped answering my texts. By texts I mean dick picks. This broad was strict. She ate at the same times every day. She planned her clothes out a week at a time. She had really strong beliefs about what calligraphy should and shouldn't be. Our sex wasn't like the improv jam sessions that I prefer. It was more like a scheduled humping and spooning appointment. I think she set timers for both the humping and spooning.

To her credit, I could have really gotten used to that. There was a great deal of stability to it. Our only problem it seemed to me, was that she was obsessed with something, and wanted me to be that way too. But I just couldn't be into calligraphy. Calligraphy is basically making art of writing something, so I respect it. Mostly because it looks really difficult and it take forever to do. But I also respect plumbers, line cooks and long distance runners. None of those things are things that I will ever be. The only time you will see me making highly decorated words is if you have recently taken LSD. I'll probably also tell you to listen to the whispers of the stag beetles or something like that.

She loved her work so she had some screen print one of her designs onto a t shirt for her. I don't have skills like that, so if drew something and then had it put on a shirt, people would think that I was the doting father of a 2 year old. What I really wanted to show this girl was some tenderness. She was so robotic and planned in her every move. I wanted to surprise her with some holding and caressing. But with her there was a time and place for everything.

When the time was up, I might as well hold and caress her Vladmir Putin plush doll that she kept on her sofa at all times. She never explained the Putin doll, it was just there almost in the same way that I was just there. So I did cuddle it a bit. You can't judge me for that, the place was icy and devoid of emotion. I had to express my caring side somehow. I asked him how his country was, talked about his horses and inquired about his P90x results. He seemed to be doing good. 

I don't miss this chick or Calligraphy. I do kind of wonder how Vlad is doing. She didn't end up being my girl or somebody that I'll ever see again most likely. But I'm glad she exists. She was driven and purposeful. She was very practical in all of her choices and motivations. She probably replaced me with someone that has an education or something like that. Maybe even a sex ed teacher for all I know. So should I have to care about Calligraphy? Well I should have if I wanted to retain this woman. I should have at least faked it if I wanted her to stick around. Maybe I could have been the global warming to her ice caps. Except minus all the dying polar bears.

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Comedy Story: Larceny is a Good Crime to Master

Larceny as defined by a site that I looked at for a few seconds is the unlawful taking of a person's property with the intent to permanently deprive them of it. Pawn shops exist for those of us that can commit larceny while never getting caught. What products have the highest resale value? Stolen shit does. Pawn shops conduct cash transactions with known drug addicts, thieves and the drug dealers to the drug addicts. If you're a drug addict, you will soon become a thief. If you have stolen something with the intent to make it turn into cash, then you will need to go to the pawn shop. You will need the item to turn into cash because that is the only form of payment that your drug dealer will accept. There is no such thing as the "Junky Credit Card" as far as I know.

You're definitely an asshole for stealing and permanently depriving someone of their goods. I like to imagine here somebody getting off of larceny charges because they snuck back in to the scene of the crime and brought everything back. The guilty master thief who just can't take the life anymore. He only got into the business because he was an adrenaline junky. After he got so good at thieving, the game became boring. Did you think he was the kind of sad story where they just do it because they are starving? Nah he thinks he'll move on to rock climbing without climbing gear. But he said he might be a surfing instructor on the coast for a few years. Really try to find himself. His friends say that he would make great grant writer. He's got a knack for navigating bureaucracy. Pens a fantastic business email. It'd be shame to waste talent like his.

Too many thieves get caught for there to not be a reason to worry about being caught. But there is only so much security a house can have. So if you plan and bring a tool to counter every single security measure possible, then why would your thieving fail? You know to cover your face and wear gloves. You bring all your tools. It's basically like every other trade at that point. You could meet with the other thieves at your favorite diner for breakfast. Everybody could gripe about their wives and moan about the new security measures they will have to deal with. Gossip about who might've been nicked by the cops. It would be just as rewarding as your average workplace groups. Which is why you'll die of an aneurysm when Jim, the thief of 77th street brings up his theory about indoctrination signals coming from the TV for the 11,000th time.

But if you're going to be a criminal, you should be a master at pick pocketing. The worst that can happen if you're caught is you catch an ass whooping. A good second place is robbing houses. Because you can usually tell if someone is home or not. And if they are home, then you know for sure that someone could blast you if you where to make an uninvited entry. Pick pocketing can fill your refrigerator and keep you out of long prison terms. Robbing houses could net you an entire home library of UFO books, but is it really worth the risk of really long prison sentences? I think not. You'd better learn how to pick pocket ramen packets if you end up in prison. According to things I've seen on the internet, prisoners are all about ramen packets. They also seem to really like fresh ass to rape. So maybe you could use the one to deter the other.

Imagine the opportunity that pick pocketing represents to a lonely person. You could so very quickly become really well acquainted with your mark, if you miss your mark. By that I mean that you fail to nab the goods, and are caught in the process of attempted nabbery. Let's say you bump into him or her later. Now you're that loner weirdo, that tried to rob this person earlier in life. This is like the ultimate primer for a friendship if the mark is a really understanding and forgiving person. Maybe you could win them over by splitting your next take with them. You guys can laugh it up at the ridiculously ugly driver's license picture. Gamble the cash at the nearest black jack table. Ditch the credit cards and pawn the wallet. It's cheap leather, but it's still leather. Maybe you guys decide to cut the original owner's O'Reily's Auto Parts card in half and share it between the two of you as a symbol of your new friendship.

Obviously you shouldn't steal, unless you're stealing the affection of your workplace sweetheart. You shouldn't deprive people of their property permanently or otherwise. So yes I want my old N64 controller back, you know who you are. You can't borrow something forever asshole. In any case if you have to steal, be a pick pocket. At least when you quit, you'll be able to effortlessly transition into a career as a magician.

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The next three links are the sources that helped me to write this post: https://www.mylondon.news/news/local-news/prison-sentence-for-southall-pickpocket-5968159 

http://humanemotionschart.com/ 

https://criminal.findlaw.com/criminal-charges/definition-of-larceny.html 

Click here if you are the rough crowd and not just a part of it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_MzJrEhmRLM 

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Comedy Story: Some Thoughts On The Buffet

Everyone knows why they go to a buffet. To hoggishly stuff as much edible matter in our gullets as is humanly possible. The buffet is an American staple in that we eat so much there that we might literally need staples to keep our guts from busting. We eat there when the week hasn't gone well or for any old reason honestly. Just pack the kids in the car and lets go not think about anything but how to get our faces to the maximum level of stuffed. Except don't think about that either just think about not thinking and all will be well.

I've often thought that the buffet should be a liberal enrichment program for places where people are starving. I think that third world governments should just make business deals with Golden Corral so that they can feed their people. The government covers the costs of operation with a sizable profit margin for their efforts. For golden corral it's great publicity and a lot of profits. For third world countries they immediately go from being concerned about starvation to a diabetes epidemic in under a year. And yes, that is a positive. 

Realism: In truth sometimes the food is good. But at most buffets the food is anything but good. And almost everyone that works there has the feeling that they aren't actually working at a restaurant serving people as much as they are slopping hogs at the farm. Studies show that this state of mind can lead to increased rates of homicidal behavior towards obese people and pigs. I made that up. 

I wonder how many heart-attacks happen at all you can eat buffets? I wonder how many people there are that really love working at them and how many people actually do love them? What is it to really love eating someplace? It's usually something about how the place makes you feel, or that it has something in common with how you grew up. I guess a lot of Americans grew up being force fed like ducks for foi gra. The same customer base that loves buffets would also be in favor of a new sector in the restaurant industry called the "Forced Feeding Tube Restaurant." You pay ahead of time with your credit card online so that when you arrive you can go right to your reserved toilet. You drop your drawers and sit down. Then the servers attach a giant feeding tube to your face and you just let it all happen until a computer monitoring your vitals alerts the staff that you're about to die. Then they unplug you, resuscitate you and you go on your way. Leaving behind your dignity and a sizable tip for the staff that had to witness you become a human tick.  

Don't get me wrong. I love to pig out and I do go to the buffet ever so often. I also get the psychology behind over eating and compulsive eating. By that I mean that I understand that there is something to get about those topics. I haven't actually read about them nor do I intend to. But like with most repetitive behaviors that can kill you, overeating and compulsive eating are probably linked to some kind of trauma. So there is always that little tinge of sadness when I think about the "bigguns" out there eating themselves into an early grave. For these people their addiction is no different from a cocaine addict. Either way they can't stop and the repetitive behavior will eventually kill them. Now a big fat guy probably wouldn't suck your dick in exchange for your Big Mac and fries, but you never know.   

Maybe it's time for a revision of some kind for buffet offerings. The buffet could become the ultimate health food bonanza. In theory, it could be a place where you have all you can eat of only healthy offerings. If you're a compulsive over eater would that help? Could you live better by eating a 1000 of things that can't hurt you but can only help you? That would be interesting to see. Maybe one day there will be a health foods version of golden corral where the most unhealthy thing you can get is still good for your heart. This idea is like if someone wrote a book that was entirely composed of just 0's and 1's then tested it on a random group of people. Someone in the room might like it, but nobody will believe that it will actually work for humans.

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Short Funny Story: Karaoke Sucks

Karaoke, like most social exercises is a terribly overrated and miserable affair. If you happen to hear one person sing well it's a miracle. The rest of what you hear is more like the squawking parrot version of your favorite songs. You are more likely to hear Bruce Springsteen humming “Dancing in the Dark” to himself in a Burger King bathroom than you are to hear someone sing well on Karaoke night.

Karaoke is the kind of thing that only works when you're on drunk. In other words it's not actually fun. Some other offenders are Cards Against Humanity, card games and all board games. Board games are fun for drunks and kids because both of those audiences can laugh or fight over anything.

The people that are paid to sing are good at it. People who are not paid to sing that are actually good at it are so rare that they might as well not exist. You will find the Loch Ness monster, Big Foot and a Grey alien playing a boring ass game of Monopoly before you will find your legendary amateur singer that should “totally go pro dude.” And nobody who sings karaoke is secretly going to have a career singing afterwards. So what is the point of even participating if you're not drunk.

The point of karaoke is to get untalented morons full of booze so they feel like they might have been rock stars if they had devoted themselves to the chase. It lets you live the fantasy without actually doing any work. This is, more or less the true American way.

I can admit that my perspective is biased because I hate going out. I would rather stay home and learn a new skill or work on something that means something to me. I don't care about socializing. I usually only make friends with the people that I work with, and that's only so that we get along better. When I leave that place I usually leave behind all those relationships. So if you don't like socializing and you don't like social grooves then you probably are not going to like karaoke. At this point I could take up suicide note writing as a hobby before I could be made to go to karaoke night. Imagine if you wanted to commit suicide, but you just can't think of what to say. That's where I come in.

All this being said, I'm glad karaoke exists. I just don't want people to tell me how great it is when I know that I hate it. I would love to own a karaoke bar that made me a lot of money and I'm glad that other people do. But it does make people look stupid and it makes me feel stupid to watch. The only thing worse than the experience of karaoke would be if I was so drunk that I did perform on karaoke night, the performance was recorded, and then was played back to me later while sober. That's the true nightmare of karaoke.

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Comedy Story: Min Maxing Your Sexiness

Haircuts are expensive, so if you are not that good-looking to begin with then just save the money and buzz your head. Ugly people probably spend the most money on beauty products. This is a pointless pursuit. What is more likely to bring a mate, a genuine personality or some fat tits and a thin waste? Obviously the tits, unless you are a biologically a man with fat tits. In which case, don't worry about being accepted, either start dating fat chicks or start working out.

It's not your fault ugly folks, of which I am one. Beauty is rare, and we lost the draw. But we have other things. If you love work and you happen to be ugly, then maximize the time that you have on work. Put the money that you would have spent on your haircut and cologne on finding yourself more work. There will be someone out there that will be very attracted to your bank account. All that working that you love to do anyway will bring in the goods that cologne and haircuts never could. You and I will always have our big nose, our fat head, our male pattern baldness, even if you're a chick. Or just a man with fat tits.

Think about the things about yourself that you can control. Like how good of a person you are, how hard you work. Do you ever come in to work late? Are doing your sit-ups and push ups? If you can't control it for yourself then it doesn't really mean anything. If you get denied something, then you had no control over it so move on. This is the mental change between normal people and people who become rapists. The rest of us can just say “oh well, better luck next time.” While the other guys go barreling down a dark back alley after some broad.

So just buzz your head and save the money that you would spend on haircuts and beauty stuff and spend it on something that matters. It's not that hard to buzz your own head. The front is super easy. Turn your back to your mirror and then point your camera at the mirror. With your other hand you just buzz the fuzz. There ya go, once a month you do that and you save a fortune that can go into things that really matter to you that do not include your sub-par appearance. Some people will claim that poor self esteem and having the inner voice that tells you “you're so fucking ugly dude. God please don't make me look at us in the mirror.” comes from other people and how you've been conditioned to be.

Nobody ever sees the voice for what it really is, a survival mechanism. How else is your subconscious supposed to help you with your finances? Without talking shit and also telling the truth about how ugly we are, we might be at risk to waste more money on trying to look better. It's a blessing in disguise and we should treat it as such.

It's a harsh truth to accept. We aren't that good looking and sometimes we'll think about it and our feelings will be hurt. But we can control what we eat and how much we exercise. You could apply the same thinking to your application of makeup. You might feel the same is true for when you control your looks by applying makeup. But it usually just ends up making a highly polished and powdered cow. It's still a cow, but with mascara.

Or you could just not do any of this stuff. What do I know? I'm not even really sure what I believe that beautiful means. So live it up, buy ten tons of makeup and put it all on at once. Work 80 hour weeks and spend every dime on plastic surgery to the point that you look like Kim Kardashian except more monstrous and fake than she already looks. It's not my life it's yours so do whatever makes you happy. Get breast reduction if you are a guy with fat tits. That's definitely a justifiable change.

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Short Funny Story: I'm Okay With Public Baths

Public bath centers would be good for our society on multiple levels. They could provide a great number of people with cleanliness. This includes the homeless, a group of people that could always look a little cleaner. Because it would help with job searching and reintegrating with society not because I think they are icky. But still, less ickyness couldn't hurt.

Would I be thrilled to share bath water with a creep that is jerking it to the one unfortunate woman in the tub? It's most likely that I would be the creep so yea I'd be pretty thrilled.

The experience of being naked together in public would make us all less susceptible to beauty marketing. When you see that everyone is squishy, hairy and unkempt in some or all places you start to have a more realistic opinion of your fellow human being. Actually I think I would be the only one that is squishy, hairy and unkempt. So the experience would make you more accepting of me and my nudity. Still not a negative in my book.

The baths would have to be full of chemicals obviously, people are filthy. We want safe chemicals, I don't want to bath in a lukewarm nuclear reaction and sprout a third nut out of nowhere. 

There would have to some kind of system to determine how to do the public baths with as little waste of resources as possible while washing the greatest number of people. If it's just as wasteful or more wasteful than everyone showering for themselves then we might as well just burn a rain forest or dump sewage in a lake. 

Don't think for one second that I would fight to have this idea realized. I am in no hurry to share nasty body soup with anyone. But the Romans did this kind of thing back in the day. Until they were ruined by terrible leadership they were doing pretty well for themselves. So maybe it could be like some kind of environment saving practice. That's a big maybe I'd say, but I can guarantee that it would make everyone uncomfortable.

Anyway here is the link that inspired this topic: https://www.ancient.eu/Roman_Baths/

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