Short Funny Story: Karaoke Sucks

Karaoke, like most social exercises is a terribly overrated and miserable affair. If you happen to hear one person sing well it's a miracle. The rest of what you hear is more like the squawking parrot version of your favorite songs. You are more likely to hear Bruce Springsteen humming “Dancing in the Dark” to himself in a Burger King bathroom than you are to hear someone sing well on Karaoke night.

Karaoke is the kind of thing that only works when you're on drunk. In other words it's not actually fun. Some other offenders are Cards Against Humanity, card games and all board games. Board games are fun for drunks and kids because both of those audiences can laugh or fight over anything.

The people that are paid to sing are good at it. People who are not paid to sing that are actually good at it are so rare that they might as well not exist. You will find the Loch Ness monster, Big Foot and a Grey alien playing a boring ass game of Monopoly before you will find your legendary amateur singer that should “totally go pro dude.” And nobody who sings karaoke is secretly going to have a career singing afterwards. So what is the point of even participating if you're not drunk.

The point of karaoke is to get untalented morons full of booze so they feel like they might have been rock stars if they had devoted themselves to the chase. It lets you live the fantasy without actually doing any work. This is, more or less the true American way.

I can admit that my perspective is biased because I hate going out. I would rather stay home and learn a new skill or work on something that means something to me. I don't care about socializing. I usually only make friends with the people that I work with, and that's only so that we get along better. When I leave that place I usually leave behind all those relationships. So if you don't like socializing and you don't like social grooves then you probably are not going to like karaoke. At this point I could take up suicide note writing as a hobby before I could be made to go to karaoke night. Imagine if you wanted to commit suicide, but you just can't think of what to say. That's where I come in.

All this being said, I'm glad karaoke exists. I just don't want people to tell me how great it is when I know that I hate it. I would love to own a karaoke bar that made me a lot of money and I'm glad that other people do. But it does make people look stupid and it makes me feel stupid to watch. The only thing worse than the experience of karaoke would be if I was so drunk that I did perform on karaoke night, the performance was recorded, and then was played back to me later while sober. That's the true nightmare of karaoke.

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