The Answers: What Does LMAO Mean?
LMAO means laughing my ass off. LMFAO means laughing my fucking ass off. I saw that these questions get searched a lot so I wanted to give an answer. Other people have surely answered this question elsewhere, but now I have answered it too. Maybe doing so will lend a level of credibility to my site that will make people say "The comedy apprentice is somebody you, yes you! Can rely on." Once that level of credibility is established I will make my upload schedule go to shit. You will come to expect me to post at random times on random days. It will be like responses from your distant mother, always when you don't have the time and never when you do. When my erratic bullshit has surely burnt down everything that I hoped and dreamed of creating on here I will look back and say, "Answering the lmao question is where I went wrong. So great was my hubris at being able to answer one small question. That arrogance ultimately designed my demise. Now I just mix drinks at work and then come home and speed-run Red Steel from 2006 on the Wii...a better game than most people think."
Shot Glass Thought: Trump Responds to Embassy Attack
President Trump deployed more troops to the middle east after an attack on a US Embassy. No deaths or casualties were reported on either side, much to the disappointment of the president. "Knew they were pussies." Trump was reported to have muttered to himself upon receiving news of the attack. The president was reported to have then politely issued a statement to the various leaderships of the attacking parties through clandestine channels that there actions were unwarranted, reckless and would result in Nuclear Holocaust if they do not immediately stand down. "Above all else, I will dine on your radiated corpses if you so much as look at my embassy the wrong way." Experts worry that this course of action might escalate the already high tensions internationally to which the president replied: "Knew you guys were pussies."
Shot Glass Thought: Chicago Legal Weed Debut
The first day of legal weed sales in Chicago featured a 6am starting time. "Everyone was happy and optimistic." One local said. However, some thought the waiting in the cold for weed could have been the primary reason for the multiple dead, frozen stoners on the sidewalk. "It's a risk we all take man. Like living...you never know...what could, like happen you know?" Hipsters are by and large ignoring the legal weed dispensaries because they prefer the old school way of almost getting shot, dealing with paranoia and having a relationship with the seller on a personal basis. Lisa Marken, 26 who identifies as a malfunctioning ceiling fan compared the usage of the dispensaries to the modern preference for digital music over record players that even her grandparents were tired of.
Short Funny Story: Breakthrough In Evolution Science
Major breakthroughs in evolution science from the year 2019 confirm "There were more hairy dumb dumbs than we originally thought." This quote comes from the most brilliant mind in looking for irrelevant information. Some of the ancient humans were able to have sex with homo sapiens. A process that repeats itself today every time an intelligent woman allows herself to be picked up by a meathead douche bag at the bar.
While the science of finding these kinds of breakthroughs is improving, the artist renditions of the newly discovered people continue to convey as much information as a well constructed sock puppet. Maybe in 2020 we'll have something looks like it might have been human and not yarn and paper mache.
Studies that have not nor ever will read have determined that Neanderthals were intelligent enough to bury the dead, take care of the wounded and make art. Art with the same skill and creativity that you've witnessed if you've been to one undergrad art demonstration.
Here's the link to the story that inspired this story: https://www.thevintagenews.com/2019/12/30/human-evolution/
If you enjoyed this piece then do me a favor and tweet this fresh hot take.
While the science of finding these kinds of breakthroughs is improving, the artist renditions of the newly discovered people continue to convey as much information as a well constructed sock puppet. Maybe in 2020 we'll have something looks like it might have been human and not yarn and paper mache.
Studies that have not nor ever will read have determined that Neanderthals were intelligent enough to bury the dead, take care of the wounded and make art. Art with the same skill and creativity that you've witnessed if you've been to one undergrad art demonstration.
Here's the link to the story that inspired this story: https://www.thevintagenews.com/2019/12/30/human-evolution/
If you enjoyed this piece then do me a favor and tweet this fresh hot take.
Comedy Story: 48 Year Old Beach Body Broad
There is no bigger waste of time than to click articles about famous women in bikinis. Why do these articles exist? Because motherfuckers click them. Women click them because they want to feel jealous or because they want to critique. Men click them to tease themselves I guess. But there is an endless stream of naked women within reach, visually, if you are willing and able to open your incognito browser and look for them.
This kind of almost nudity won't get most people off. That is the job of porn. These kind of articles will never stimulate you mentally. That is the job of philosophy. So what I really want to click is a porn video where a guy dressed as Socrates nails a 48 year old beach body broad in the temple of Athena. This would take place after a 40 minute exchange of dialectics. Feel free to steel that idea, perfect ideas should be realized no matter who is doing the realizing.
Usually I am immune to these stupid fucking ads. But sometimes, if it seems freaky enough, or there is the chance to see some old broad that has spent millions on not looking like an old broad, then I'll check it out. But it's more so for the freak show aspect of it than anything else. What's so bad about getting old? I don't mind going bald and having grey hair on my head and my beard. I am also pretty fat nowadays. It doesn't matter. There are women who are attracted to my lack of self concern and self awareness for that matter. So pretty much no matter how ugly you make yourself, there is a woman out there that will still dig it.
If you make comments about the appearance of others then you are almost certainly insecure about how you look. This does not include describing somebody as the fat guy or the fat chick. Sometimes those are perfectly reasonable descriptions and really no other description would suffice in that situation. In the same way that if there are 23 people in a room and only 1 of them is black, and that's the guy that you need to talk to, I will tell you to talk to the black guy. We are all way to busy to stumble over a description of the pattern of his shirt or the styling of his hair/beard. You are looking for the black guy.
Anyway, beach babes that are old enough to not have kids anymore are not interesting to me. But they are to somebody. Just like how I will never click an article about an especially large geyser explosion, the geyser explosion and the 54 year old beach babe clickers might not be clicking on my site. But I hope they do, and they are welcome too. Maybe they have tremendous insight into something I could have never imagined. Either way, we only have so much time to live so let's not waste it. Do what you like.
This kind of almost nudity won't get most people off. That is the job of porn. These kind of articles will never stimulate you mentally. That is the job of philosophy. So what I really want to click is a porn video where a guy dressed as Socrates nails a 48 year old beach body broad in the temple of Athena. This would take place after a 40 minute exchange of dialectics. Feel free to steel that idea, perfect ideas should be realized no matter who is doing the realizing.
Usually I am immune to these stupid fucking ads. But sometimes, if it seems freaky enough, or there is the chance to see some old broad that has spent millions on not looking like an old broad, then I'll check it out. But it's more so for the freak show aspect of it than anything else. What's so bad about getting old? I don't mind going bald and having grey hair on my head and my beard. I am also pretty fat nowadays. It doesn't matter. There are women who are attracted to my lack of self concern and self awareness for that matter. So pretty much no matter how ugly you make yourself, there is a woman out there that will still dig it.
If you make comments about the appearance of others then you are almost certainly insecure about how you look. This does not include describing somebody as the fat guy or the fat chick. Sometimes those are perfectly reasonable descriptions and really no other description would suffice in that situation. In the same way that if there are 23 people in a room and only 1 of them is black, and that's the guy that you need to talk to, I will tell you to talk to the black guy. We are all way to busy to stumble over a description of the pattern of his shirt or the styling of his hair/beard. You are looking for the black guy.
Anyway, beach babes that are old enough to not have kids anymore are not interesting to me. But they are to somebody. Just like how I will never click an article about an especially large geyser explosion, the geyser explosion and the 54 year old beach babe clickers might not be clicking on my site. But I hope they do, and they are welcome too. Maybe they have tremendous insight into something I could have never imagined. Either way, we only have so much time to live so let's not waste it. Do what you like.
Jokes: 5 One(or more) Liners to Make Babies Stop Crying in your Restaurant
This is actually 6 jokes because babies will never stop crying in your restaurant. We'll always wonder why in the fuck do families with babies bring them to the restaurant?
1.Paying attention is overrated. If I paid attention to every person that told me something I would be out of quarters. (Corny I know.)
2.Rumors about the white house claim that Donald Trump and actual Neo Nazi's aren't getting along. Neo Nazi's by and large wanna rule the world under the tyranny of a 4th Reich where only white people are left living. Trump states he is willing to grab any pussy, regardless of who it may belong to.
3. I don't ever need an excuse to quit if what I'm doing ...is sex. That would be because I am currently...never having sex.
4. New scientific testing has shown that high levels of THC in the blood might cause psychosis. In other news, Hilary Clinton sacrificed 3 new born babies to a wooden goat god so that she may add 3 extra years to the end of her life. One more new born and she'll be able to make yet another fruitless run at the presidency.
5. In a poll taken recently on Facebook, 88% of people would advocate the consumption of actual toxins by the people who all to frequently describe others, as toxic. The other 12%, "like totally didn't get it."
1.Paying attention is overrated. If I paid attention to every person that told me something I would be out of quarters. (Corny I know.)
2.Rumors about the white house claim that Donald Trump and actual Neo Nazi's aren't getting along. Neo Nazi's by and large wanna rule the world under the tyranny of a 4th Reich where only white people are left living. Trump states he is willing to grab any pussy, regardless of who it may belong to.
3. I don't ever need an excuse to quit if what I'm doing ...is sex. That would be because I am currently...never having sex.
4. New scientific testing has shown that high levels of THC in the blood might cause psychosis. In other news, Hilary Clinton sacrificed 3 new born babies to a wooden goat god so that she may add 3 extra years to the end of her life. One more new born and she'll be able to make yet another fruitless run at the presidency.
5. In a poll taken recently on Facebook, 88% of people would advocate the consumption of actual toxins by the people who all to frequently describe others, as toxic. The other 12%, "like totally didn't get it."
Jokes: 3 One(or more) Liners to Try on Your Friends
Mindfulness is a trick that some people practice to make them forget how shit their lives are. The same results can be achieved more efficiently ...with marijuana.
Trump could get impeached but that won't change the fact that Hairy Potter, Lord of The Rings and Star Wars are all overrated as fuck.
Searching for meaning to your life will...make you unhappy. Bears don't stress about having overslept for several months at a time. Neither do they stress about overeating for most, if not all of their lives. Bears are basically a fat, happy American. So have a burger you uptight, usually self righteous millennials.
Trump could get impeached but that won't change the fact that Hairy Potter, Lord of The Rings and Star Wars are all overrated as fuck.
Searching for meaning to your life will...make you unhappy. Bears don't stress about having overslept for several months at a time. Neither do they stress about overeating for most, if not all of their lives. Bears are basically a fat, happy American. So have a burger you uptight, usually self righteous millennials.
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