Let's all ignore dating and romance advice in general and just do what comes naturally. This will help to weed out all... the rapists. Police work in that category will be so much easier. Maybe with all the rapists they arrest, they can release of few of the harmless pot dealers that they have locked up.
If a girl watches you sleep and that creeps you out, but pretty much that's it as far as negatives...then keep that bitch. She is perfect. If she watches you sleep as she holds a kitchen knife to your throat, then leave that bitch. The only problem is...she might be really hot. Some guys are dumb enough to die for hot. So maybe you should brainwash yourself into being gay. There was only one Jeffrey Dahmer compared to thousands of black widows.
Movie Review: Doctor Sleep (2019)
This movie featured several re-creations of scenes from The Shining(1980). Those scenes felt like cheap knockoffs. In the same way that a similar looking actor dressed as Jack Torrance and looking like Jack Torrance still has nowhere near the impact of actual Jack Torrance.
The main problem with this film is that it succeeds as a spooky ghost tale but not much else. It is not a classic and it diminishes the shine, pun intended, of the original film. This movie is more like King's writing and less like Kubrick's film. Which is why it is just an entertaining spook fest and not a masterpiece.
My opinion on this movie and pretty much most opinions of this movie really comes down to who you like more: King or Kubrick. I prefer Kubrick's work overall. Sure Doctor Sleep follows some of the plot points of Kubrick's film more than the original novel. But it still lacks the subtlety and dread of the masterpiece. Steam eating ghouls that can be killed via western style shootout and car accidents are not what the 1980 film was about. So this was a good movie and you should rent it when it's out, but it's no masterpiece.
The main problem with this film is that it succeeds as a spooky ghost tale but not much else. It is not a classic and it diminishes the shine, pun intended, of the original film. This movie is more like King's writing and less like Kubrick's film. Which is why it is just an entertaining spook fest and not a masterpiece.
My opinion on this movie and pretty much most opinions of this movie really comes down to who you like more: King or Kubrick. I prefer Kubrick's work overall. Sure Doctor Sleep follows some of the plot points of Kubrick's film more than the original novel. But it still lacks the subtlety and dread of the masterpiece. Steam eating ghouls that can be killed via western style shootout and car accidents are not what the 1980 film was about. So this was a good movie and you should rent it when it's out, but it's no masterpiece.
Comedy Story: I Won't Move My Hand (Special)
I got the call from Lydia, John was back at the farm. Cocksucker was doing what he always did, screaming, breaking shit. This time it was different. He was armed and he was drunk. I grabbed my coat and hit the road in my 07 Ford Focus. The 08 had improved handling but the 07 was familiar to me. I knew it and it knew me. Driving this beauty was like kissing your wife on your 60th wedding anniversary. Didn’t take me long to get to the farm where true to his nature, John was screaming and waving his gun around. Looked like a .357 magnum from where I was standing. I left the car on and the radio playing. It was Summer Wind by Sinatra, what a classic.
“John, do we really have to keep doing this ever fuckin’ weekend?” I asked.
“Hey motherfucker I wanna see both of your hands and I want you to get them up high! You hear me motherfucker!?”
“Yeah I ain’t deaf, and I ain’t gonna show you my other hand.”
“Well…Why the fuck not?”
“Don’t think about that John you have bigger things to worry about...well, not much bigger.”
“Like what?”
“Well by now Liddie and the girls have probably called the police station. You being drunk, armed and angry. Plus stupid, I forgot stupid.”
“Only one stupid is you and that’s cause you won’t show me your other fucking hand! Now get it up!”
“My hand is right where it needs to be John. You need to listen to me when I say that you’re running out of time.”
“No you are motherfucker! I’m fine…I’m doing real good matterafact cause I’m gonna shoot your dumbass! Haha what’ya think of that?”
“You could shoot me John. Or my hand could come outta this pocket…and you might not have enough time to shoot me. I might have something in this pocket that you don’t want to come out. I might not have enough time, it’s true. You might be too fast, or you might not. But either way, you’re running out of time.”
“You don’t scare me man…I don’t think you even have a gun.”
“Maybe I don’t. Maybe you’re right. But if you keep pointing that gun at me you might just fool around and end up shooting me.”
“Yeah I might just motherfucker! That might be the best thing to happen to me in a long, long time.” He pulled the hammer back on his revolver and grinned.
“John the way I see it, the cops are on the way. So you could shoot me and I’d probably die. That might make you feel real good, but only for a short time. You couldn’t enjoy it too long. The cops are mighty slow so you could probably shoot me and still have some time to make a run for it.”
“Yeah…I recon I might.”
“But if you do that, even these slow cops, that are as dumb as you surely are will find you John. There just ain’t many places you can go up here in these mountains. Police find you up there, that would be the best thing for ya.”
“How so?”
“Well if the cops find ya then it means you weren’t ate by a …mountain lion or a bear…or something else.”
“Wha-what the hell do you mean something else?”
“Well nobody really knows what all is up in them mountains John. You know as well as I do that a lot of people get lost in there where even the dogs and volunteers can’t sniff em’ out.”
“Well…I ugh, well I guess that I… ought not shoot you after all.”
“The best thing would be to put that gun away, forget about me and my other hand and leave this place.”
“Yeah…you’re making a lot of sense Tex. I guess I will put my gun away…long as you don’t plan to shoot me when I do.”
“I already told you John, I don’t wanna bring this hand out of it’s pocket for anybody, even you.” Lydia and the girls were watching from the window, their eyes full of fear. Sirens rang out in the distance and John lowered, then holstered his .357.
“I recon you’re a better man than I figured you for Tex. I’ll just wait for the cops now. Nobody got shot anyhow, couldn’t come down on me too hard, could they?” He slumped onto the wood splittin’ stump and ran his hands through his hair.
“I don’t figure they will John. Nobody got shot after all.”
The cops took John in but before they did, detective Luke Cryasight asked me about my gun.
“I wanna know if you bluffed em’ Tex. Did you really have a piece on ya?”
“Shit no, this coat pocket and the britches I have on have a custom designed tunnel… to my cock. I was flapping my meat hammer for all I was worth the whole damn time. Coping mechanism, you see. I don’t do too well with stressful situations…Well if that’s all ya need from me detective, I’ll be going.” I bid the detective good night, the disturbed and confused look on his face told me that he was finished with his inquiries.
“John, do we really have to keep doing this ever fuckin’ weekend?” I asked.
“Hey motherfucker I wanna see both of your hands and I want you to get them up high! You hear me motherfucker!?”
“Yeah I ain’t deaf, and I ain’t gonna show you my other hand.”
“Well…Why the fuck not?”
“Don’t think about that John you have bigger things to worry about...well, not much bigger.”
“Like what?”
“Well by now Liddie and the girls have probably called the police station. You being drunk, armed and angry. Plus stupid, I forgot stupid.”
“Only one stupid is you and that’s cause you won’t show me your other fucking hand! Now get it up!”
“My hand is right where it needs to be John. You need to listen to me when I say that you’re running out of time.”
“No you are motherfucker! I’m fine…I’m doing real good matterafact cause I’m gonna shoot your dumbass! Haha what’ya think of that?”
“You could shoot me John. Or my hand could come outta this pocket…and you might not have enough time to shoot me. I might have something in this pocket that you don’t want to come out. I might not have enough time, it’s true. You might be too fast, or you might not. But either way, you’re running out of time.”
“You don’t scare me man…I don’t think you even have a gun.”
“Maybe I don’t. Maybe you’re right. But if you keep pointing that gun at me you might just fool around and end up shooting me.”
“Yeah I might just motherfucker! That might be the best thing to happen to me in a long, long time.” He pulled the hammer back on his revolver and grinned.
“John the way I see it, the cops are on the way. So you could shoot me and I’d probably die. That might make you feel real good, but only for a short time. You couldn’t enjoy it too long. The cops are mighty slow so you could probably shoot me and still have some time to make a run for it.”
“Yeah…I recon I might.”
“But if you do that, even these slow cops, that are as dumb as you surely are will find you John. There just ain’t many places you can go up here in these mountains. Police find you up there, that would be the best thing for ya.”
“How so?”
“Well if the cops find ya then it means you weren’t ate by a …mountain lion or a bear…or something else.”
“Wha-what the hell do you mean something else?”
“Well nobody really knows what all is up in them mountains John. You know as well as I do that a lot of people get lost in there where even the dogs and volunteers can’t sniff em’ out.”
“Well…I ugh, well I guess that I… ought not shoot you after all.”
“The best thing would be to put that gun away, forget about me and my other hand and leave this place.”
“Yeah…you’re making a lot of sense Tex. I guess I will put my gun away…long as you don’t plan to shoot me when I do.”
“I already told you John, I don’t wanna bring this hand out of it’s pocket for anybody, even you.” Lydia and the girls were watching from the window, their eyes full of fear. Sirens rang out in the distance and John lowered, then holstered his .357.
“I recon you’re a better man than I figured you for Tex. I’ll just wait for the cops now. Nobody got shot anyhow, couldn’t come down on me too hard, could they?” He slumped onto the wood splittin’ stump and ran his hands through his hair.
“I don’t figure they will John. Nobody got shot after all.”
The cops took John in but before they did, detective Luke Cryasight asked me about my gun.
“I wanna know if you bluffed em’ Tex. Did you really have a piece on ya?”
“Shit no, this coat pocket and the britches I have on have a custom designed tunnel… to my cock. I was flapping my meat hammer for all I was worth the whole damn time. Coping mechanism, you see. I don’t do too well with stressful situations…Well if that’s all ya need from me detective, I’ll be going.” I bid the detective good night, the disturbed and confused look on his face told me that he was finished with his inquiries.
Shot Glass Thought: Murder Suicide
Murder suicide is a situation where there is no wisdom. For those that think that getting a restraining order on a dangerous person will save you, just remember that a restraining order is...a piece of paper. Seems like a lot of murder suicides are orchestrated by some crazy couple, there is a restraining order, guy ignores it and comes in to conduct a massacre. Then pops himself and that's the end of the story. Beyond talking to the law and having the law on your side, you have to be ready to protect yourself. Ready to protect what means the most to you. I don't know what that looks like for everyone, but it looks like a weapon to me.
Shot Glass Thought: Joker in the Whitehouse
Apparently President Trump screened the movie movie "Joker" at the Whitehouse. Somebody said that the president really liked the movie. I think that's kind of cool that our billionaire president enjoyed a movie where a homicidal maniac leads a rebellion to kill the rich. It tells me that the security for the rich must be on point. Because president Trump is most certainly the rich, so for him to find the movie entertaining, the plot of the movie must be totally impossible in real life. Which is good, bloody rebellions are usually good for nobody.
Short Funny Story: Elderly LSD Superpowers
Seniors prescribed a certain muscle relaxer might have kidney issues and severe confusion as a result. That's how you know your body is going to shit. You go to the hospital to get drugs that keep you comfortable.The drugs that doctors prescribe to keep you comfortable are then sending you back to the hospital. Dementia like symptoms is how they describe the folks who took the muscle relaxer. What happens when the folks with dementia are given the muscle relaxer? When you go from already super confused to even more confusion, maybe you start to glow or levitate or something. I would like to know what would happen to dementia patients that were given LSD. If it was super bad, then obviously never again. But if it was able to help them calm down, experience euphoria or even...gave them super powers, that would all be very cool.
This is the original article that made me think of this: https://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/health/sc-hlth-muscle-relaxant-dangers-1120-20191118-74gz6ei6ingibgr3ymzcr2u7aa-story.html
This is the original article that made me think of this: https://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/health/sc-hlth-muscle-relaxant-dangers-1120-20191118-74gz6ei6ingibgr3ymzcr2u7aa-story.html
Comedy Story: Terrorist Elephant
An Elephant named Osama Bin Laden died in captivity in India recently. He had rampaged through a small town and killed five people. The town must have been full of patriotism, cheeseburgers and capitalism. Those five people may or may not have coordinated air strikes on Laden's family in his younger years.
Laden was captured and tortured immediately under the guise of an "Obedience Training" method called Kraak. I'm not sure how they pronounce it over there but I am positive that Kraak is the sound that bones make when you are torturing your elephant...for being a terrorist.
Nearly 2,300 civilians have been killed in this ongoing war between India and her Elephants. Only an estimated 700 elephants have died during the same period, to which the supreme commander of all Indian Elephant forces, Brosif Stalen commented "Sick."
click here for the original article: https://news.yahoo.com/rogue-elephant-dies-captivity-killing-villagers-100507946.html
Laden was captured and tortured immediately under the guise of an "Obedience Training" method called Kraak. I'm not sure how they pronounce it over there but I am positive that Kraak is the sound that bones make when you are torturing your elephant...for being a terrorist.
Nearly 2,300 civilians have been killed in this ongoing war between India and her Elephants. Only an estimated 700 elephants have died during the same period, to which the supreme commander of all Indian Elephant forces, Brosif Stalen commented "Sick."
click here for the original article: https://news.yahoo.com/rogue-elephant-dies-captivity-killing-villagers-100507946.html
Shot Glass Thought: Not Even An Addiction Specialist
I saw an article that said "Not even an addiction specialist could save his wife from drug abuse." Well yeah probably not, according to Facebook ads, all it takes is a 48 hour online course in order for me to change my life and become an addiction specialist. It took me longer than that to learn how to be a bartender.
Shot Glass Thought: A Business Where You Meet Creeps
If you want to have a business where you meet creeps then you should get your massage therapy certification. Then setup your massage bed like a lemonade stand. I guarantee that you will find the people that you are looking for.
Movie Review: Some Guy Who Kills People (2011)
This is a funny movie that doesn't really have any scares. There is violence in it, but nothing all that scary.
The pacing of the plot kind of sucks but the tradeoff is more time spent developing the characters. There were definetly some moments where I just sat there thinking "what the fuck is going on again?" But it was enjoyable.
Movie features the best child actor I've ever seen. She is convincing, funny and turned over a very consistent performance.
This movie features the greatest sheriff in movie history. This guy is fucking phenomenal. The scene where he addresses the mayor is worth watching the film alone.
The pacing of the plot kind of sucks but the tradeoff is more time spent developing the characters. There were definetly some moments where I just sat there thinking "what the fuck is going on again?" But it was enjoyable.
Movie features the best child actor I've ever seen. She is convincing, funny and turned over a very consistent performance.
This movie features the greatest sheriff in movie history. This guy is fucking phenomenal. The scene where he addresses the mayor is worth watching the film alone.
Movie Review: Black Christmas (1974)
Characters were top notch in this film. I never felt like anyone character was unbelievable or implausible.
Villain was a strong one, ending was chilling. Really sends a shiver down your spine. Kind of like meeting your neighbor for the first time and he's a 39 years old still trying to be a hipster.
Laughed my ass off at the main character because she just answers the phone like a motherfucker. I didn't answer the phone like her even when my only job was to answer the phone.
Just a heads up, abortion is the killing of a baby. I don't have all the answers, but that is what it is. If you want to be independent and make all the decisions for your own body, then just admit that you killed a baby and get on with your life.
I got a tremendous kick out of the scene where one of our important characters fails his piano recital. He sounds like he is playing piano for the first time. Babies can clang on the keys of a piano with more rhythm and skill than the guy on screen did.
A character named Barb tells a really uncomfortable sex joke to a prudish old man who is afraid that his daughter might have been killed. She's drunk and the scene is hilarious to me. It was really tense for my friend that was watching it with me. Guess he's an old prude on the inside.
Villain was a strong one, ending was chilling. Really sends a shiver down your spine. Kind of like meeting your neighbor for the first time and he's a 39 years old still trying to be a hipster.
Laughed my ass off at the main character because she just answers the phone like a motherfucker. I didn't answer the phone like her even when my only job was to answer the phone.
Just a heads up, abortion is the killing of a baby. I don't have all the answers, but that is what it is. If you want to be independent and make all the decisions for your own body, then just admit that you killed a baby and get on with your life.
I got a tremendous kick out of the scene where one of our important characters fails his piano recital. He sounds like he is playing piano for the first time. Babies can clang on the keys of a piano with more rhythm and skill than the guy on screen did.
A character named Barb tells a really uncomfortable sex joke to a prudish old man who is afraid that his daughter might have been killed. She's drunk and the scene is hilarious to me. It was really tense for my friend that was watching it with me. Guess he's an old prude on the inside.
Shot Glass Thought: Romance Advice Givers
I wonder how many of the people that give romance advice actually get any. I think it's more likely that the people that give the most love advice are wanking/bullying the bean more than anyone else. They are trying to mask the inactivity by fronting like they are transcendent of normal human desires. "I don't need to share about all the sex that I'm not having because then people could verify that I don't know what I'm talking about."
Think about the value of some art degrees. You can spend 100,000 dollars on your art education and still only be able to make your living painting beach sceneries on 8x10 canvases. That's yard sale shit right there man. I'm glad I got out of art school. Idk why I was ever in it really, but it did help me to become a bartender and that's really all that matters. I can day drink for weeks on end with my skillset and if anyone asks about it I'll just say that I'm testing out a new recipe. If they see that it's just the same drinks over and over then I'll say that I'm experimenting with the measurements. So yeah... fuck an art degree.
Think about the value of some art degrees. You can spend 100,000 dollars on your art education and still only be able to make your living painting beach sceneries on 8x10 canvases. That's yard sale shit right there man. I'm glad I got out of art school. Idk why I was ever in it really, but it did help me to become a bartender and that's really all that matters. I can day drink for weeks on end with my skillset and if anyone asks about it I'll just say that I'm testing out a new recipe. If they see that it's just the same drinks over and over then I'll say that I'm experimenting with the measurements. So yeah... fuck an art degree.
Shot Glass Thought: Ancient History
At some point in the future everything that we do as Americans will just be stuff for another culture to discover in a 1000 years from now. America is the most powerful culture in the world right now. He have the biggest bombs, the most guns and the right kinds of psychopaths in office. But make no mistake, this will eventually go off the rails. Maybe sooner, maybe later. I don't have any sort of idea as to when it will take place. Think about this, Pakistan was the home of the most powerful culture in the world, like 2000 years ago. I don't know if that's true as far as the date, but yeah there used to be a badass empire out there. Nowadays it ain't shit. No culture, no empire, just oil and violence. Our culture is doing pretty well I think. The Greeks had Socrates, Plato and Aristotle. We had Tupac, Biggie and now Kanye West. So that's better than most empires I think.
Comedy Story: Watching Movies With Friends
Watching a movie with friends is a pretty fucking rad way to spend your afternoon. I might be one of those guys that spends 60 years or more tending bar. Which means that I really better find someplace easy to work. It doesn't mean much more than that. In the meantime I will need to find some pass times to help me run out the clock on my life and one of those is watching movies with friends.
Horror movies are obviously the best for this kind of evening. We have, ideally, a very small crowd. We are all under no social pressure to act in a way that isn't true to who we are. Because we are close with these friends and they are real friends. So we can get scared at the chronic masturbator and woman slasher that we see lurking on the TV and also lurking through the shadows in our apartment as we go for a pee break midway through the movie.
Inviting unknown elements into the fun is a must, sometimes. We have a flow, we don't need to fuck with that flow too much. Just a little bit. Inviting someone that we aren't too sure of care be a great way to mix things up, but inviting people should not be a part of the routine. I might spend the next 60 years of my life studying water only to choke to death on a cup of tap water after a pack of peanut butter crackers. But in the meantime, I will have watched a lot of movies with my friends and only sometimes with random, unconfirmed folks.
Drinking alcohol while we do what we do is a goto for me. In the same way that some guys will tell you that they have a way with the ladies only to die as miserable old virgins, I like to drink. They like to bullshit you and I like to drink. Okay it's not the greatest comparison ever but whatever. If it's a bad night, and by that I mean the group has decided to watch a comedy, then yes I am most certainly going to drink. I just do not enjoy most comedies. I mean, we are hanging out and we're all funny, we make each other laugh. Why would we listen to somebody else for that? I'd rather be scared and then make each other laugh about that.
The guy who talks through a lot of the movie about other shit is not welcome up in this bitch. We are watching the movie and occasionally, OCCASIONALLY providing commentary. If you aren't into the movie, do not try to redirect the whole experience to yourself. Just fucking leave or play on your phone. If you're the guy who does this shit then you are probably also the kind of guy that tells people that you'll own your own business for 25 years without ever even making it to manager at your travel agency. Doesn't stop you from calling yourself director of sales agents. It also doens't stop you from masturbating constantly until the day you realize enough is enough and put a bullet in your head.
Deciding when the movie actually sucks and we have to make our own fun is a subtle skill and indicative of experience. Watching The Shining we barely said anything. It was such a flawless film. We watched some shit during the summer that had a lady take a bath with her dad's dead body. At a certain point it has to be a conversation about "Should we bail on this freaky shit?" or "Woah WTF? Are we about to talk through the rest of this freakshow?" The dead body bath movie had us making a lot of jokes. So we still had a good time. If we would have done that to The Shining then I would have found new friends. But also it would have ruined the movie. It's all about balance.
Horror movies are obviously the best for this kind of evening. We have, ideally, a very small crowd. We are all under no social pressure to act in a way that isn't true to who we are. Because we are close with these friends and they are real friends. So we can get scared at the chronic masturbator and woman slasher that we see lurking on the TV and also lurking through the shadows in our apartment as we go for a pee break midway through the movie.
Inviting unknown elements into the fun is a must, sometimes. We have a flow, we don't need to fuck with that flow too much. Just a little bit. Inviting someone that we aren't too sure of care be a great way to mix things up, but inviting people should not be a part of the routine. I might spend the next 60 years of my life studying water only to choke to death on a cup of tap water after a pack of peanut butter crackers. But in the meantime, I will have watched a lot of movies with my friends and only sometimes with random, unconfirmed folks.
Drinking alcohol while we do what we do is a goto for me. In the same way that some guys will tell you that they have a way with the ladies only to die as miserable old virgins, I like to drink. They like to bullshit you and I like to drink. Okay it's not the greatest comparison ever but whatever. If it's a bad night, and by that I mean the group has decided to watch a comedy, then yes I am most certainly going to drink. I just do not enjoy most comedies. I mean, we are hanging out and we're all funny, we make each other laugh. Why would we listen to somebody else for that? I'd rather be scared and then make each other laugh about that.
The guy who talks through a lot of the movie about other shit is not welcome up in this bitch. We are watching the movie and occasionally, OCCASIONALLY providing commentary. If you aren't into the movie, do not try to redirect the whole experience to yourself. Just fucking leave or play on your phone. If you're the guy who does this shit then you are probably also the kind of guy that tells people that you'll own your own business for 25 years without ever even making it to manager at your travel agency. Doesn't stop you from calling yourself director of sales agents. It also doens't stop you from masturbating constantly until the day you realize enough is enough and put a bullet in your head.
Deciding when the movie actually sucks and we have to make our own fun is a subtle skill and indicative of experience. Watching The Shining we barely said anything. It was such a flawless film. We watched some shit during the summer that had a lady take a bath with her dad's dead body. At a certain point it has to be a conversation about "Should we bail on this freaky shit?" or "Woah WTF? Are we about to talk through the rest of this freakshow?" The dead body bath movie had us making a lot of jokes. So we still had a good time. If we would have done that to The Shining then I would have found new friends. But also it would have ruined the movie. It's all about balance.
Short Funny Story: The World Around us is Pretty Dangerous
Plenty of bad news in the world. There is always some waiter with dreams of spending the rest of their life on a music career being fished out of the lake. Plenty of sex trafficking and murder news. Never any of it good. A real surprise would be to turn on the news and see a story about a maniac that was going to kill a bunch of people but the police caught him and stopped him from doing anything. You'd shit your pants if a few months later he/she was actually sent to jail for their intentions.
Sometimes people just die.. for no discernible reason. No alcohol, no drugs, no hints at a suicide. Sometimes you leave your 9 to 5 and just veer off the road to a cataclysmic smash. After that you're done. All your ambitions and dreams are gone and you're never doing anything else. That chick from Tinder that you snuck into the bathroom at work to send an unsolicited dick pic to, that's your last communication. That's tough man.
There are plenty of random things that can explode or burn or destroy us. Restaurants have plenty of ways to burn down or explode. It's fucking crazy that people aren't more afraid of them. Probably for the same reason that some pilots get drunk while they are flying. You just get so used to being around all this metal clanging, burning and booming that you forget that it could all kill you. I could spend 60 years studying wine and then still find a way to drown in a vat of wine. I would try really hard to get out, but once the irony dawned on me, I'd just let it go. I would hope that it would be Cabernet Sauvignon. I love Carbernet, if it wants me then it can take me.
You can breathe in lethal gasses from your car. Some people kill themselves by closing their garage door and keeping their car running. It's probably one of the best ways to go. Especially when you compare it to falling asleep at the wheel at the end of your 80 hour work week and then launching yourself through your front window after you orchestrate the brief introduction of tree to cold hard car parts.
Sometimes people just die.. for no discernible reason. No alcohol, no drugs, no hints at a suicide. Sometimes you leave your 9 to 5 and just veer off the road to a cataclysmic smash. After that you're done. All your ambitions and dreams are gone and you're never doing anything else. That chick from Tinder that you snuck into the bathroom at work to send an unsolicited dick pic to, that's your last communication. That's tough man.
There are plenty of random things that can explode or burn or destroy us. Restaurants have plenty of ways to burn down or explode. It's fucking crazy that people aren't more afraid of them. Probably for the same reason that some pilots get drunk while they are flying. You just get so used to being around all this metal clanging, burning and booming that you forget that it could all kill you. I could spend 60 years studying wine and then still find a way to drown in a vat of wine. I would try really hard to get out, but once the irony dawned on me, I'd just let it go. I would hope that it would be Cabernet Sauvignon. I love Carbernet, if it wants me then it can take me.
You can breathe in lethal gasses from your car. Some people kill themselves by closing their garage door and keeping their car running. It's probably one of the best ways to go. Especially when you compare it to falling asleep at the wheel at the end of your 80 hour work week and then launching yourself through your front window after you orchestrate the brief introduction of tree to cold hard car parts.
Shot Glass Thought: Somehow Not Cold
Somehow in the year of our Lord 2019 there are still guys that think that it's tough to pretend like it's not cold. How far will these literal numb nuts take this shit? Some of these guys could be interviewed while running from a family of yeti in the woods of Siberia with a t-shirt and jeans on and they would still say that they aren't cold. Maybe the adrenaline brought about from the running from yeti could make them not actually feel cold, but given a few minutes of rest after the escape they would get cold and not admit it. Which is why we should all be rooting for the yeti to catch them in the first place.
Shot Glass Thought: More Than I Want to Think
Sometimes I want to try something more than I want to think. This applies to a lot of different things but today it applies to margaritas. I bought the tequila, sour mix and triple sec for my house margarita. The margarita that I have in my literal house, which is an apartment. I wanted to try it out so bad that I just decided to make a margarita as soon as I got home. Only problem was that it was 10:37am when I got home. So I had a margarita for breakfast today. Which means that the chicken "nibblers" as their packaging says got eaten in one sitting. I can't ever just not eat when I've had a drink. Plus drinking ups my appetite. So when I tell you that one breakfast margarita led to a 3 hour stretch of chicken nibbler....nibblering, that ain't no lie. I've also learned why my meds say not to take with alcohol. Because I feel like I made it to 26 years old without a day of sleep. Now all of a sudden I need to sleep enough to make up for all the lost time.
Comedy Story: You Cannot Stay Younger For Longer
Anything that tells you that it will help you "stay younger for longer" is total bullshit. If you sit fruit on a table and just revisit it ever so often over the next few weeks, you'll see a perfect example of why attempting to stay young is pointless. Because fruit, like motherfuckers, gets old.
Motherfuckers, of which I and all my friends surely are, get old. This is one of our most simple truths. This is one of the reasons why everyone needs a childhood pet. You love the guy, take care of her as best you can and then one day your dad carelessly crushes her under his truck. My personal trauma aside, you learn that as the years go by it gets harder and harder for the old girl to dodge your idiot father's truck. There are things that we could have done to keep her old bones more limber, but basically my dad needed to care enough to slow the fuck down and look around from time to time. If you ask someone to give a fuck, when they obviously care about nothing, you're just wasting your time....and then burying your dog.
Beauty products are bullshit with bullshit marketing and bullshit ingredients and they tell you to smear the bullshit all over your face and body. The only thing you need is some basic lotion and you use it ever so often or as needed. You shouldn't look young when you are not young. If you're old as shit, you should be fucking people that are old as shit. You don't have anything in common with younger people. And younger people should fuck young people. You don't have anything in common with old people. You could relate to how they love how much money they have and how you would love to share in that love, but you are young and they are not. To the young and the old crowd, Don't fuck each other, it's fucking weird!
I read some bullshit about how if you walk faster you will retain your mind and health better as you get older. My grandmother blitzed around at a break neck pace for an old lady. That was before Alzheimers destroyed her mind. She ate healthy her whole life and stayed active too. And yet, no dice. She got old. Motherfuckers, of which my dear Mammaw was not one, get old. But sweet little fleet footed ladies get old too.
So that was it for the comedy story. I know this is a little shorter than usual for a comedy story but I think it's a complete enough piece. Complete in that when I was asking myself where else should I go with this topic, I came to the conclusion that there wasn't any other avenue that I wanted to explore. Maybe I should never make that conclusion and should have a standard measure for my different types of content. Let me know what you think about that in the comments. I love to keep the spirit of experimentation in my work.
Motherfuckers, of which I and all my friends surely are, get old. This is one of our most simple truths. This is one of the reasons why everyone needs a childhood pet. You love the guy, take care of her as best you can and then one day your dad carelessly crushes her under his truck. My personal trauma aside, you learn that as the years go by it gets harder and harder for the old girl to dodge your idiot father's truck. There are things that we could have done to keep her old bones more limber, but basically my dad needed to care enough to slow the fuck down and look around from time to time. If you ask someone to give a fuck, when they obviously care about nothing, you're just wasting your time....and then burying your dog.
Beauty products are bullshit with bullshit marketing and bullshit ingredients and they tell you to smear the bullshit all over your face and body. The only thing you need is some basic lotion and you use it ever so often or as needed. You shouldn't look young when you are not young. If you're old as shit, you should be fucking people that are old as shit. You don't have anything in common with younger people. And younger people should fuck young people. You don't have anything in common with old people. You could relate to how they love how much money they have and how you would love to share in that love, but you are young and they are not. To the young and the old crowd, Don't fuck each other, it's fucking weird!
I read some bullshit about how if you walk faster you will retain your mind and health better as you get older. My grandmother blitzed around at a break neck pace for an old lady. That was before Alzheimers destroyed her mind. She ate healthy her whole life and stayed active too. And yet, no dice. She got old. Motherfuckers, of which my dear Mammaw was not one, get old. But sweet little fleet footed ladies get old too.
So that was it for the comedy story. I know this is a little shorter than usual for a comedy story but I think it's a complete enough piece. Complete in that when I was asking myself where else should I go with this topic, I came to the conclusion that there wasn't any other avenue that I wanted to explore. Maybe I should never make that conclusion and should have a standard measure for my different types of content. Let me know what you think about that in the comments. I love to keep the spirit of experimentation in my work.
Short Funny Story: TMI
There is too much information available today for you to trust information. I already don't trust people so this adjustment was easy for me to make. There is such much shit to read online that if you spent the rest of your life reading without a break, you'd never scratch the surface of all there is to read. Some day we will have computer enhancements for our brains and we'll be able to just download every bit of relevant information on our chosen topic and we'll go on from there. For most people, that topic will be mostly about vaginas. How to get oneself into them, where they can be found yada yada. My point is that even then, we still won't know all there has been written because there is just too much of it for anyone to carry around.
I don't click on any link that implies that the content is going to be a numbered list unless it's a comedy site. If the numbered list thing helps you to sell your great comedy then have at it. I suppose I could give it a try on this site too, but I find the format nauseating and annoying. Not reading something because it is a numbered list featuring a couple of the old "one weird tricks" and "you won't believe number 5" a good call. You have to spend your time wisely on this Earth. Don't waste the time that you could have spent on learning the Socratic method on flipping through endless tabs about how to apply makeup or how to interpret the meaning of a text from your crush.
Have you ever taken a moment to just sit back and wonder about the nature of a world where we can ask a computer a question and it will give us back millions of responses? When I do just that, all I think is "man, I should really just go fuck myself." Nah not really, that's not what I think. I actually wonder how much of that information is actually useful. I'd wager that almost none of it is actually worth something. Worth in the sense that absorbing it would make your life better somehow.
I only trust information that I have paid for. I only trust people that will work for money. I have never learned anything all that useful about bar stuff just from googling it. I have gained every meaningful bit of expertise that I have from reading books and experiencing the trade first hand. I have never had anyone do me a favor that didn't cost me more in the end then it was ever worth to begin with. I'm saying don't let anyone do anything for free. If they won't accept your money, then they don't intend to do a good job. That or they don't think that they can do a good job.
Maybe none of what I've written here resonates with you. Maybe you think my approach is lame and archaic. That's good, all well and good. Keep doing what you do and I'll keep doing what I do. I'm in no position to advise anyone. Taking advice from someone as unsuccessful as me is like building your modern day battleship to the specifications of the viking engineers from a thousand years ago. It might work, but let's not try risk it all for a theory.
I don't click on any link that implies that the content is going to be a numbered list unless it's a comedy site. If the numbered list thing helps you to sell your great comedy then have at it. I suppose I could give it a try on this site too, but I find the format nauseating and annoying. Not reading something because it is a numbered list featuring a couple of the old "one weird tricks" and "you won't believe number 5" a good call. You have to spend your time wisely on this Earth. Don't waste the time that you could have spent on learning the Socratic method on flipping through endless tabs about how to apply makeup or how to interpret the meaning of a text from your crush.
Have you ever taken a moment to just sit back and wonder about the nature of a world where we can ask a computer a question and it will give us back millions of responses? When I do just that, all I think is "man, I should really just go fuck myself." Nah not really, that's not what I think. I actually wonder how much of that information is actually useful. I'd wager that almost none of it is actually worth something. Worth in the sense that absorbing it would make your life better somehow.
I only trust information that I have paid for. I only trust people that will work for money. I have never learned anything all that useful about bar stuff just from googling it. I have gained every meaningful bit of expertise that I have from reading books and experiencing the trade first hand. I have never had anyone do me a favor that didn't cost me more in the end then it was ever worth to begin with. I'm saying don't let anyone do anything for free. If they won't accept your money, then they don't intend to do a good job. That or they don't think that they can do a good job.
Maybe none of what I've written here resonates with you. Maybe you think my approach is lame and archaic. That's good, all well and good. Keep doing what you do and I'll keep doing what I do. I'm in no position to advise anyone. Taking advice from someone as unsuccessful as me is like building your modern day battleship to the specifications of the viking engineers from a thousand years ago. It might work, but let's not try risk it all for a theory.
Shot Glass Thought: Getting Noticed
It's an awkward time any time that you lock eyes with someone in traffic that is clearly picking their nose. As an aside, if you're in public, someone is always watching. Never pick your nose anywhere in public. Somebody is going to see you for the nasty freak that you really are. But back to the locking of eyes during a weird moment in traffic. You have to ask yourself as the person that spots the picking, "Do I want to be a normal person?" If yes the just pretend like you didn't see it and look away. If your answer was, "Nah I think I'll be a total fucking freak!"Then you should writhe your body in feigned sexual bliss and mouth the words "ooohhh baby" over and over again. There's a good chance that they will be disturbed, but you did create a memorable experience for them. And you'll never be able to say that nobody has ever noticed you.
Shot Glass Thought: Total Immersion
So you're playing your favorite video game. The game is Resident Evil 4 because you're not a chode and you like good games. The game stops addressing Leon, your beloved protagonist and starts addressing you, the non chode that you are. The game honest to God stops addressing Leon and asks you, Marcus/Martha how your work day was. Well if this is your real life, then you probably just need to see a doctor about some anti-psychotics. But what if games and the characters therein could just interact with you and know you on that level. At any moment they could just get out of character and have a smoke break with you. That would be amazing. I think that we already play that sequence out sometimes in our heads when we are playing our favorite games. If Krauser wanted to smoke a virtual doobie with me then I most certainly would put our knife fight on hold so that we could roll one up. That's the level of immersion that will draw me back into video games. I won't buy a new console for myself until we hit that level.
Book Review: The Power of Your Subconscious Mind (1963)
Book starts out by telling us that there is an infinite amount of riches just around the corner for all of us if we just hang in there and read the rest of the book. So already the book is a con and knows it's a con and is hoping that we don't know that it is a con.
Book rambles for a few paragraphs about how some dude who lost his arm, lost his arm because of the "flow of his thoughts." If thoughts made that much of a difference then everyone that ever cut me off in traffic would have died horribly and I would be a mass murdering psychic. A guy if you cut him off he'll use his powers to make you steer your car into the nearest concrete wall at top speed. I think everyone that drives would also be that same character. So this is horseshit, that's what I'm getting at.
There was a brief example about how the same suggestion could merit two wildly different responses depending on who you make the suggestions to. Well yeah, haven't you ever yelled "Suck my dick!" at a group of murderous dudes on the street corner as you drive by? They don't give the same exact reaction as when you yell it down the hallway at the nursing home.
The book points out that through the power of suggestion ancient healers were able to convince people that they weren't sick anymore by putting them through nightmarish rituals. Maybe you could consider that a healing if they forget about their aches and pains, but how do you heal the trauma associated with having minced squirrel guts and lizard tongues muddled with assorted wild berries and then smeared all over your body by a chanting mad man?
There is an example of a lady that wanted a Cadillac car. So she follows the mumbo jumbo from the book about how to imagine you are in the car until you have it. Sure enough she ends up with her uncle's Cadillac car. The uncle passed away and left it to her in his will. So either this was just an unfortunate incident, or her thoughts literally killed her uncle. Since this book wants you to believe in magic, I'm going to say that her thoughts killed her uncle for his car.
There's some marriage advice in here as well. For the nagging wife it recommends that you praise her for her positive points and show her more attention. I think that you should just imagine having the whole bed to yourself each night and your thought will force her car off a cliff with her in it. It worked really well for the Cadillac lady.
Book rambles for a few paragraphs about how some dude who lost his arm, lost his arm because of the "flow of his thoughts." If thoughts made that much of a difference then everyone that ever cut me off in traffic would have died horribly and I would be a mass murdering psychic. A guy if you cut him off he'll use his powers to make you steer your car into the nearest concrete wall at top speed. I think everyone that drives would also be that same character. So this is horseshit, that's what I'm getting at.
There was a brief example about how the same suggestion could merit two wildly different responses depending on who you make the suggestions to. Well yeah, haven't you ever yelled "Suck my dick!" at a group of murderous dudes on the street corner as you drive by? They don't give the same exact reaction as when you yell it down the hallway at the nursing home.
The book points out that through the power of suggestion ancient healers were able to convince people that they weren't sick anymore by putting them through nightmarish rituals. Maybe you could consider that a healing if they forget about their aches and pains, but how do you heal the trauma associated with having minced squirrel guts and lizard tongues muddled with assorted wild berries and then smeared all over your body by a chanting mad man?
There is an example of a lady that wanted a Cadillac car. So she follows the mumbo jumbo from the book about how to imagine you are in the car until you have it. Sure enough she ends up with her uncle's Cadillac car. The uncle passed away and left it to her in his will. So either this was just an unfortunate incident, or her thoughts literally killed her uncle. Since this book wants you to believe in magic, I'm going to say that her thoughts killed her uncle for his car.
There's some marriage advice in here as well. For the nagging wife it recommends that you praise her for her positive points and show her more attention. I think that you should just imagine having the whole bed to yourself each night and your thought will force her car off a cliff with her in it. It worked really well for the Cadillac lady.
Comedy Story: Just Having A Drink
Having a drink is the kind of thing that can take you from easy going to ruined in only a couple of hours. If you don't believe me then get drunk like you did at your high school parties at a casino. You will be homeless, unemployed and performing sexual favors for a living before the end of the week. I might be over exaggerating or fear mongering. But are you really willing to take that chance just so you can call me a bullshitter? Everyone calls me that anyway and they don't have to reduce their lives to ashes.
Alcohol is a psychoactive, addictive drug that can ruin your life. Drinking until you blackout night after night is not living it up.... okay well it sort of is. But waking up in urine is not living it up. If you passed out outside, then someone besides you might have pissed all over you. Not exactly glamorous eh?
Alcohol is too well integrated into our culture and society for it to be done away with. It shouldn't be done away with either. It is amazing! It's amazing for those that don't get addicted to it. It's pretty much the ultimate relaxer. If you work, and we all do, well even if you don't work, alcohol can make you think that there is nothing wrong with your life. No matter who you are, there are so many things wrong with you. You might be the finest used car salesman in Mississippi but if you can't get off with having your wife viciously stomp your ballbag then you still have something to work on.
Alcohol is a drug that frees you from your inhibitions and anxieties. That is until they come racing back at you much harder than you ever planned for or imagined. The anxiety that you'll experience as you sober up from your all day, all night bender will make you pine for death. But Death is a mother fucker and he won't kill your dumbass, he'll just let you wreck your 98 honda civic into a family of five......five goats after you smash through a wooden enclosure. I was going to end that after the first five but I don't want to write something that ruins the rest of my day. Just couldn't sell myself on the comedic value of a real life tragedy that happens all the time. If you are one of those animal freaks that thinks that smashing the goat family is just as tragic then go fuck yourself. Goats ain't shit man.
Hangovers are the sure sign that what you did the day before wasn't good for you. Sometimes a hangover can be so bad that it will make you think that you might be dying. And yet, alcohol is so amazing that most people will get right back into the saddle at the very next opportunity. Abusing alcohol is like making love to an alien that is more powerful than you and you know that it is destroying you but you don't mind because it's so intoxicatingly good. By alien I mean you drunk fucked some psychotic bitch at an anime convention that your nerdy friends asked you to come too. Now you need a new phone number and a new place to live because this bitch was expecting something a little more long term. You also have to spend most of an afternoon blocking her on all forms of social media.
I stopped drinking for 9 months. I stopped because I needed too and I started back at it because I again felt like I needed to. I've been told numerous times that confessing these two facts are signs that I have a problem. I think the only problem is that I told people those two facts in the first place. As long as it stays with me, nobody will notice me staggering around work and all the inventory shortages from the liquor closet.
Alcohol is a psychoactive, addictive drug that can ruin your life. Drinking until you blackout night after night is not living it up.... okay well it sort of is. But waking up in urine is not living it up. If you passed out outside, then someone besides you might have pissed all over you. Not exactly glamorous eh?
Alcohol is too well integrated into our culture and society for it to be done away with. It shouldn't be done away with either. It is amazing! It's amazing for those that don't get addicted to it. It's pretty much the ultimate relaxer. If you work, and we all do, well even if you don't work, alcohol can make you think that there is nothing wrong with your life. No matter who you are, there are so many things wrong with you. You might be the finest used car salesman in Mississippi but if you can't get off with having your wife viciously stomp your ballbag then you still have something to work on.
Alcohol is a drug that frees you from your inhibitions and anxieties. That is until they come racing back at you much harder than you ever planned for or imagined. The anxiety that you'll experience as you sober up from your all day, all night bender will make you pine for death. But Death is a mother fucker and he won't kill your dumbass, he'll just let you wreck your 98 honda civic into a family of five......five goats after you smash through a wooden enclosure. I was going to end that after the first five but I don't want to write something that ruins the rest of my day. Just couldn't sell myself on the comedic value of a real life tragedy that happens all the time. If you are one of those animal freaks that thinks that smashing the goat family is just as tragic then go fuck yourself. Goats ain't shit man.
Hangovers are the sure sign that what you did the day before wasn't good for you. Sometimes a hangover can be so bad that it will make you think that you might be dying. And yet, alcohol is so amazing that most people will get right back into the saddle at the very next opportunity. Abusing alcohol is like making love to an alien that is more powerful than you and you know that it is destroying you but you don't mind because it's so intoxicatingly good. By alien I mean you drunk fucked some psychotic bitch at an anime convention that your nerdy friends asked you to come too. Now you need a new phone number and a new place to live because this bitch was expecting something a little more long term. You also have to spend most of an afternoon blocking her on all forms of social media.
I stopped drinking for 9 months. I stopped because I needed too and I started back at it because I again felt like I needed to. I've been told numerous times that confessing these two facts are signs that I have a problem. I think the only problem is that I told people those two facts in the first place. As long as it stays with me, nobody will notice me staggering around work and all the inventory shortages from the liquor closet.
Shot Glass Thought: Secret Tablets in My Cocktail Shaker
What if one day while shaking a cocktail up I cease to hear any ice and drink crashing around the tins and instead hear the clinkling of a few tablets in there. When I break the tins and dump out the contents, 3 tablets fall out. Now obviously if this really happened I would be having some kind of psychotic episode and the reality would be that I had just awkwardly dumped someone's drink all over the bar. But for contemplation's sake, let's say that it really does play out like I've described. Would you take one of those pills? Would you take all of them? Would you take them all on separate occasions? Would you just show them to your manager and hope that they have some understanding? I would store the pills away and then take them all on separate occasions, come what may. I would remake the drink and send it out as quickly as possible. Just something to think about, tell me what you all would do in that situation.
Shot Glass Thought: Not Paying Attention While Driving
Of all the tasks that require your full attention, driving is probably the most important.That being said, I never pay attention while driving. It's just too boring. I could be in 5 lanes of traffic and be surrounded on all sides by mac trucks with methed out drivers and I would still be day dreaming. I don't text and drive, I don't drink and drive, I don't eat behind the wheel or fuck with my phone. I just day dream about having super powers or what the future will be like and think about pretty much anything except the road. I took one look when I was pulling out into traffic and saw that I couldn't make it. But I was so unengaged mentally that I took off anyway and then slammed on my breaks to prevent a five care pileup. I got several horns and middle fingers shined my way but I wasn't fazed. I was thinking about flying like Superman to work each day and having the ability to carry my trays of food and drink with only my mind. A psychic, superhero server/bartender that only uses his powers to make living. That is the comic book that is playing in my head when I'm behind the wheel.
Comedy Story: The Pointlessness of Greed
Greed is when you live for and are fueled by nothing more than the pursuit of extra material shit that you don't need. If you work 88 and a 1/2 hours a week and have no family and no real goals other than accumulation, then you are already losing to greed. When your fatass friend comes over uninvited and stays for fucking ever and eats most of what you have in your place, then the bastard is greedy when it comes to your time and when it comes to food. He's also a selfish bastard. You can tell him that to his face and then get yourself some new friends. Just kidding, he might have some other redeeming qualities. But I doubt it.
I fucking hate greed in myself. If you tell me that I can have some of your fries then I might take a fistful of your fries. That is fucked up. Why do I do that? It's like a power thing for me. You could have fries with no salt that haven't been deep fried long enough and I'll still hog them if you give me a chance. It's fucked up man. I will hog your squishy, under-cooked, unseasoned french fries just to symbolically communicate that I'm the man around here.
Rational self interest is the best mindset for every individual. But rational self interest does not involve something like "I want to start an evil corporation that owns the sun and only rations out sunlight to places that can pay our gigantic fee! muahahaha." Which is how big business seems to vibe most of the time.
Not everyone wants or needs all the exact same things. Excluding things like air, water and food. I don't want to be a professor of economics. But I do want to know enough about economics that I'll be able to realize that if I have a ton of things that nobody cares about, it won't matter how cheap I acquired them. There just won't be a demand for a giant number of worthless things. That's all the depth that I need in order to go about my life. The dark web salesman that emailed me all last week almost had me convinced that I should buy his 7 tons of finger nail clippings in order to start my famous sculpture made out of....finger nail clippings. But I backed out of the deal at the last second. I thought it would be a bad idea when I remembered that I don't know how to make sculptures.
I forgive greediness in others because I know that there is plenty of evil in me. I am the kind of guy that could start the day by agreeing to volunteer at the nursing home and end the day screaming my lungs out at the volunteer next to me because he/she "Doesn't even fucking care!" Caring is not a competitive endeavor. If you go to that shit then you care more than the people that don't go. I'm just an asshole. And I never volunteer anywhere. Because I'm an asshole.
I want people to see that greed is a waste of time. A total waste unless you have a plan for all that you are acquiring. I'm not talking about a social justice cause because that shit is pointless. I mean for the wealthy to plan on owning a country. If you can accumulate more money than the third world combined then just buy the third world. If you're going to be a self destructive money crazed maniac, then go all out. Don't be a pussy and spend it all on yachts and penthouse apartments. Purchase an exploit your own impoverished country! Now that's ambition.
I fucking hate greed in myself. If you tell me that I can have some of your fries then I might take a fistful of your fries. That is fucked up. Why do I do that? It's like a power thing for me. You could have fries with no salt that haven't been deep fried long enough and I'll still hog them if you give me a chance. It's fucked up man. I will hog your squishy, under-cooked, unseasoned french fries just to symbolically communicate that I'm the man around here.
Rational self interest is the best mindset for every individual. But rational self interest does not involve something like "I want to start an evil corporation that owns the sun and only rations out sunlight to places that can pay our gigantic fee! muahahaha." Which is how big business seems to vibe most of the time.
Not everyone wants or needs all the exact same things. Excluding things like air, water and food. I don't want to be a professor of economics. But I do want to know enough about economics that I'll be able to realize that if I have a ton of things that nobody cares about, it won't matter how cheap I acquired them. There just won't be a demand for a giant number of worthless things. That's all the depth that I need in order to go about my life. The dark web salesman that emailed me all last week almost had me convinced that I should buy his 7 tons of finger nail clippings in order to start my famous sculpture made out of....finger nail clippings. But I backed out of the deal at the last second. I thought it would be a bad idea when I remembered that I don't know how to make sculptures.
I forgive greediness in others because I know that there is plenty of evil in me. I am the kind of guy that could start the day by agreeing to volunteer at the nursing home and end the day screaming my lungs out at the volunteer next to me because he/she "Doesn't even fucking care!" Caring is not a competitive endeavor. If you go to that shit then you care more than the people that don't go. I'm just an asshole. And I never volunteer anywhere. Because I'm an asshole.
I want people to see that greed is a waste of time. A total waste unless you have a plan for all that you are acquiring. I'm not talking about a social justice cause because that shit is pointless. I mean for the wealthy to plan on owning a country. If you can accumulate more money than the third world combined then just buy the third world. If you're going to be a self destructive money crazed maniac, then go all out. Don't be a pussy and spend it all on yachts and penthouse apartments. Purchase an exploit your own impoverished country! Now that's ambition.
Shot Glass Thought: Smiles That Wrinkle Your Eyes
I love a confident woman with a smile that wrinkles her eyes. I can't stand to just appreciate it from afar, I have to always say something. Something like "Wow, what a beautiful smile. You know the only genuine smile is one that wrinkles your eyes?" To which they reply "Ugh...what are you doing in my yard?....It's 3am dude, who are you?" I think it's unfortunate that they usually ignore me after that. After all, who else could appreciate them as much as I do? I am the one that pointed out how beautiful their smile is. Without me, they would not have received an honest compliment all month. Women never give honest compliments to one another, they only give compliments with thinly veiled sarcasm. Something like "I just love the way you eat. You're so liberated and eat whatever you want all the time. So inspirational."
Shot Glass Thought: An Appreciation for Cooking
I have found that cooking can be intuition based for some people and purely the result of practice for others. For me, the result of cooking is going to sleep with an apartment that smells like it burnt to the ground. I close my eyes on those nights with a deeper, more profound appreciation for cooks as well. I haven't cooked in a while, mostly I've just been eating freezer pizza bites and drinking diet Sunkist in my apartment. Another of my favorites is the plane slice of bologna with no bread or condiment. I just love bologna on it's own. Sometimes I add a few drops of honey mustard to it. Food just doesn't mean much to me.
Short Funny Stories: I Don't Care What Your Wife Thinks
This rule of mine also applies to your girlfriend, whoever you are. I do not trust anyone. I don't care about the opinions of women or men. But I do want the input and feedback of my friends. But I do not give a mother fuck about what people close to them think. I only care about what the person that asked thinks. I might give myself third degree burns from lighting the manuscript of my book on fire. But at least I won't write another super shitty manuscript. This is the line of thinking that occurred to me when thinking about the horseshit opinions of somebody that I don't know, weighing in on my life, which they also know nothing about.
Your significant other could have wiped the ass of Stephen Hawking every day of his miserable life but that doesn't mean that she knows a fucking thing about science. That dumb cunt might not even know anything about wiping ass. Maybe she made the old bastard terribly uncomfortable every time that she had to clean him up. If you are a man and my friend and you also happen to be a doctor. I don't want health advice from your wife that cuts hair for a living. She can put the campfire that I made out of used jizz tissue out with her own fucking body for all I care. I would still hug you at her funeral. I'd hug her in the hospital but only because she's already burnt to shit.
I only want the input of my friends when I ask for it. I don't need your help or advice for any fucking thing unless I ask for it. Sometimes I just ask for it when I don't really need it, I'd just like to hear what you think. So don't just think that this one moment of me opening up to you is the beginning of some great, long winded dialogue. Neither of us are living all that interesting of lives. You hate your life and find your personal meaning up the cunt of some worthless broad that doubles as a roommate and a checking account vacuum. I work a regular job and take pills so that I act like a regular person. Even though they don't really work all the time and nobody is tricked into thinking otherwise.
I'd rather find myself actually attacked by a sentient totem pole than to listen to your idiot fucking significant other who has you by the balls/cunt ramble on about what they think that I should do or where I should go with my life. Nobody knows the struggles of the person next to them. I have worked hard to get to the regular life that I'm leading now. Relative to my more successful peers, I am a loser and a failure. I have given up on the regular life. I am not working hard to get back on track for it. Because I would rather pen a suicide note and then just abandon my current life to be a street performer in New York until the day that I froze to death. That would probably not take that long.
You might be thinking that I'm bitter about something after you read this, but that would be inaccurate. I am bitter about everything. I am like if you made a cocktail where the base liquor is angostura bitters and then put no other ingredients in it. Just a glass of bitters served up. But dropped acid before you made this drink and now you're on the beach and the whole ocean is angostura bitters. I am that ocean.
Shot Glass Thought: The Sound of Typing
There is nothing better than the peckity peck of my fingers on keys. I don't want a fucking recording of it that lasts 9 hours on YouTube to help me fall asleep. You know what helps me fall asleep? Turning all the electronics off in my apartment. I want total darkness, a pill prescribed to me by my doctor and one last terrifying video about some real life murderer.
Nothing makes me sleep like a baby quite like learning about yet another heinous, violent destructive person. There are more of those monsters out there. I like revisiting that truth right before I lay my mind and soul to rest. I don't know why but it really relaxes me. I guess if I am murdered by some sick fuck it won't be as scary as it normally would, because I've got all that midnight preparation for the moment.
So why do people watch TV shows? I fucking hate TV, let alone shows. But I'm also the kind of guy that devotes an entire post to the sound of typing. The post isn't even really about the sound of typing though so it's almost entirely bullshit. But it did give me a chance to listen to the sound of typing again.
Video Game Review: Ghost Squad Wii (2007)
I think I explained earlier in my writings that I really love shooting games that let you get your shooty on. I don't need a tutorial or a bunch of screens and text. I just want to get right to shooting. This game certainly delivers. I don't pop a game about shooting bad guys into the console with all my hopes and dreams aimed at sitting through an explanation. The only time I ever listen to explanations is when my doctor is giving them. I ignore them at work because after pretty much a whole lifetime of working I think I fucking get it. I get working that is. I make a shit ton of mistakes at work, but thankfully my job mostly has to do with personality. At least that's what I always say.
Okay the game is fucking short. A friend and I tried it out for the first time before I had to go to work and we accidentally beat the game in about 48 minutes. But that's really not a negative because I didn't plan on spending the rest of my life playing games anyway. If you're a gamer and spending your whole life on playing games then well you are a twat. I'm just kidding, games are fucking awesome and I'd rather have a full library of them than kids and a wife.
There is potential to make your friend that plays with you, and with light gun games, yes that is pretty much mandatory. A little bit uncomfortable when you are so obviously way better at light gun games. So when you're like me and you just rattle off pretty much nothing but headshoots, this can cause your friend to be a bit insecure. I wrote headshoots on purpose because I think it's really fucking hilarious.
Shoot everything on screen in every scene. There are hidden power ups that you can get by shooting random objects. If you do this then you'll be shooting all the time and that is really all I want from almost any game. I love Persona 4: Golden for the constant interaction with virtual, pretend friends. I love them more than most of the friends I've made the last few years. If I could take the characters from that game and play a light gun game with them, then I would be in Heaven. That doesn't have much to do with this review, I'm just telling you that.
The game has you blasting terrorists in a very anime flavored setting. There is nothing here but dumb entertainment that happens to be fun. I can't stress it enough, that this is all a game really has to be. I don't want every game to be The Last of Us. When I'm tired from work or just tired from depression, sometimes I don't want to contemplate the failures of humanity and the tirelessness of the human spirit. Sometimes I just want to shoot baddies. If you're like me, then you'll like this game.
Okay the game is fucking short. A friend and I tried it out for the first time before I had to go to work and we accidentally beat the game in about 48 minutes. But that's really not a negative because I didn't plan on spending the rest of my life playing games anyway. If you're a gamer and spending your whole life on playing games then well you are a twat. I'm just kidding, games are fucking awesome and I'd rather have a full library of them than kids and a wife.
There is potential to make your friend that plays with you, and with light gun games, yes that is pretty much mandatory. A little bit uncomfortable when you are so obviously way better at light gun games. So when you're like me and you just rattle off pretty much nothing but headshoots, this can cause your friend to be a bit insecure. I wrote headshoots on purpose because I think it's really fucking hilarious.
Shoot everything on screen in every scene. There are hidden power ups that you can get by shooting random objects. If you do this then you'll be shooting all the time and that is really all I want from almost any game. I love Persona 4: Golden for the constant interaction with virtual, pretend friends. I love them more than most of the friends I've made the last few years. If I could take the characters from that game and play a light gun game with them, then I would be in Heaven. That doesn't have much to do with this review, I'm just telling you that.
The game has you blasting terrorists in a very anime flavored setting. There is nothing here but dumb entertainment that happens to be fun. I can't stress it enough, that this is all a game really has to be. I don't want every game to be The Last of Us. When I'm tired from work or just tired from depression, sometimes I don't want to contemplate the failures of humanity and the tirelessness of the human spirit. Sometimes I just want to shoot baddies. If you're like me, then you'll like this game.
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