Short Funny Stories: Indecision

There is a difference between the genius perfectionist that keeps refining something until it is perfect and the moronic time-waster who just keeps making irrelevant changes to something. I am the latter of the two. Maybe my mind could yield something useful to the world but I'm probably just thinking about how to make a bit about playing peek-a-boo with an adult Bengal tiger. All the while, never really deciding on what that bit should be. 

Do you know how long it took me to pick out the fonts for this site? Do you know how many times I changed them? These are things that do not lead to production. They are static factors that once they have been set in place, should not be messed with again. They should be like the sun, you always expect it to come up and be yellow, orange, or reddish pink when it's setting. You don't ever expect the sun to come up as a giant neon rainbow like there is a gay pride parade in the sky. 

Now you do need to pick a font and you do need to pick a theme if you're going to have a website. I'm talking about the visual theme here not the theme of my writing. The theme of my writing is to get mad chuckles. But like I was saying, you can't have a giant wall of text as your site. Nobody is going to like that. And it's perfectly acceptable to spend a good amount of time on deciding. But flip-flopping a million times without really coming to a decisive conclusion is not a part of have a productive mindset. Getting me to decide on something is as productive as changing your main foundation for construction from concrete and steel to dominoes and Gorilla tape. It's a decision that means that you don't mind doing all the work over again. 

Creatively, I can put more work into getting nothing done than anyone you've ever met. You and I might meet for a cup of coffee on Thursday of whatever. During that time we may talk about the project that I have in the works for the coming months. If we meet for coffee again in 3 years, I might still be working on that same project. I have the patience to build a barn out of toothpicks, but nobody wants a barn made out of toothpicks. I don't think it would be all that good at containing cows either. My work takes a long time is what I'm saying. 

It's infuriating and probably not good for my mental health to be so indecisive. I could definitely have a full on meltdown while trying to decide what part of the text should be underlined or not. I have never intentionally underlined anything on this site. But I've definitely thought about it!

Ultimately I'm perfectly okay with wasting all this time. I'm never satisfied with what I've done, but there is a point where there is really no point in continuing to work on something. That's the point at which I can relax. Whatever I've made isn't perfect but I do feel at that time that it's time to stop. And that's a good place to get to. By the way the new theme is called Ultra generic. This was not a decision that I arrived at quickly. 

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Comedy Story: You Don't Want To Sell Drinks For Cheap

When you sell your cocktails/regular old liquor for cheap, you encourage people to drink more. When people drink more, you can expect more violence, danger and stress. It's like having a free breakfast for dads on Father's day. You might expect to make your money on all the family that the dads will bring with them, but in reality it will just be a bunch of cheap bastard dads that want to eat for free. You might believe you are doing something good, but really you are acting without considering the incentives. 

Bar owners who always go for the cheap special or want to do things for cheap because they like to buy cheap, are putting their potential good regular patrons in danger out of personal preference. You want people who can pay a fee for class, not total scumbags that don't care about atmosphere. These guys just want to get wasted and act a fool. That kind of attitude is for a party at your house, not a bar. Getting wasted is fun, getting wasted with friends is fun. But getting wasted with complete strangers in public is just asking for disaster. Asking your employees to deal with that is pretty much like asking a peaceful old goat shepard from Sudan to take over peace discussions between Israel and the rest of the middle east. They aren't qualified for the job and the only thing they'll understand is that everyone is yelling.  

Working for cheap is not the great competitive edge that people think that it is. The cheaper you work, the more business you have to do with classless people. People that want to be paid what they're worth will be more expensive to deal with up front, but will do better business with you. People that are cheap to deal with up front will cost you everything in idiocy. If people want to slum it up and drink until their liver stops then they should go to the liquor store and get a $12 per gallon vodka and do the deed at their house. If "treating" your friends to Popov vodka and Sunny Dee is your idea of a great time then the rest of us are better off without you being out and about socializing with us. Scientists have known for decades that Popov combined with Sunny Dee is chemically the same as combining Liquid cocaine with high fructose corn syrup and the juice that leaks out of your trash bags as you carry them to the dumpster.   

Bar owners that want to carry cheap products and sell them for cheap are encouraging more danger, more drunk driving, more shooting and fighting. So if you're a sociopathic freak and you don't care to lose all of your investment in your bar, then by all means sell for cheap and keep the danger level way up high. Maybe you could carry a gun on your hip and instigate fights with your patrons and then shoot it out with them like it's the wild west. Keep your lawyer on speed dial because you're going to make him a millionaire while you make yourself go bust. 

You will be afraid for your life if you let people get too drunk for too cheap. But the customer will be afraid for his wallet and savings account if he gets too drunk on drinks that are not cheap. This is a very effective deterrent for the madness of drunk wild patrons. Your bar is about providing a good friendly experience, not shilling out hooch at a bargain. Liquor is a dangerous and addictive drug. It should not be treated as carelessly as Bob Seger CD's in buy 1 get one free bin at the local pawn shop. 

Your employees will be less than stellar if you decide to sell everything for cheap. The best of the best want to sell high and make good honest money. They don't want to catch a stray bullet trying to carry trays to the table full of chicken wings on $0.75 beer night. But if you think I'm wrong then just consider where the cheapest drinks are in your town. Does that also happen to be the place with the most trouble? Yes it is and now you know why. When you open your bar, try to price so that you make the most money on the least amount of work. When you do that, you'll have less to worry about. You don't want to be the place where people think that they might be able to buy 4$ hits of Flakka from your bartender on his smoke break. They do the shit in the parking lot and then come back inside raving about how they've become the Antichrist with a temperature of 120 while completely in the nude and still get service. Don't be that bar.  

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These are the links that helped me to write this post:

 https://drugabuse.com/flakka/effects-use/  

https://www.worldatlas.com/articles/top-12-live-sheep-and-goat-exporting-countries.html 

Click here if you'd like a classy drinking song that really isn't a drinking song, but I do drink while I listen to it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2hL0BAA_sUM 

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Comedy Story: Order Something Simple

If you order something simple then you won't get your order messed up. Don't be mad when you give a new server 17 modifiers and the dish comes out looking like shit. It's your fault, you ordered shit. As a bartender server I can tell you that we are definitely too dumb to handle that many modifications to dishes. Our kitchens are also too dumb to get it right on the off day that we actually typed it all in the computer correctly. Just pick something that you like on the menu. Do yourself a favor and don't test our intelligence. Don't ask me for the shrimp from one menu item, the mash potatoes from another and then ask if I can have the kitchen mash all that together into a club sandwich with sauteed zucchini on the side. I didn't get all of it written down the first time you said it, and you're too much of an asshole to repeat it politely, so I move on with my standard dead look in my eyes. Eventually you'll go home to gripe about me to your cat and we'll both be just fine. 

If I was smart enough to handle 32 variations of the same dish then I would do something else. I'm not secretly about to finish my medical degree, and all along I've just been tricking you into thinking that I'm dumb. I am dumb. Don't ask me about the food either, because I don't know anything about food. Sometimes I just eat cheddar cheese out of the bag in my fridge as a meal. I stand there, usually with my shirt off and just feed my face handfuls of shredded cheddar cheese. I usually have a glass of diet Sunkist no matter what meal I'm having, so no I do not know what wine will pair perfectly with your monster mash dish that you made me write down earlier. 

Life is about choices, and I chose a profession where you serve the public. Even if it's a private club or a Ruby Tuesday's, you are still serving the public. Working directly for and being paid by people. Nobody is more hateful in the universe than people. So if I'm willing to subject myself to that then you know I've got to be pretty dumb. I will give the same average service to whatever chump happens to walk through the door. I don't pay attention to the news either so if the King of all Somali pirates came in for some pretzel bites and beer cheese, I'd take care of him. I might try to up-sell him to the craft beer over domestic if I'm feeling frisky, but it's not likely. 

Do you know what I like to do at work? Find ways to not do work. I look for subtle ways, never something that can get me automatically caught. I want to have just enough activity going that it looks like I'm really getting something done. Any more than that level of effort and I might as well just work. It's that sweet spot that keeps me from really having to do anything that I always want to stay in. Do you anticipate that this will lead me to great success? I anticipate that it will not. But I can guarantee you that nothing that an employer asks you to do will ever actually matter. If you have a job after the first week you should know enough about it to know what the mandatory things are and that's all you need to know. Just the general basic idea of what needs to happen. Any more than that is a waste of time unless you're just passionate. Doing your best on something that is not your dream is like going broke funding your Presidential campaign when all you really want is to be the mayor of a small fishing town.  

Are my parents, family and friends disappointed in the lack of effort that I put into my life? Possibly, I haven't and won't ask. I prefer to stay in the margin of we love each other but we don't really talk about important things. You might see a pattern here as this perspective is very similar to my approach to work. I really care a lot about just one thing which is this website. I've pretty much cancelled all my other creative endeavors to do this and have absolutely zero regrets. I might be chopping down trees in forests by myself right now, but I think eventually the forest service will take notice. I'm not sure if that metaphor works but I want to keep it anyway.

So while I put 98% of my minimal effort into this website, the other 2% can be split between everything else including my job. And even on only 2% I'm still living pretty good. So as long as the world keeps spinning, the grass on the golf course keeps growing and UFOs keep mutilating a cattle, I'll just be here doing what I do and not breaking a sweat. That is until guests that happen to know each other decide to have an impromptu 18 person table and want to know why the kitchen is so slow about getting them their food. Then a tidal wave of sweat pours out of me that only the most extreme surfer dudes and chicks could tame. 

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Comedy Story: Embezzlement Should Be A Lot More Fun

I'm not glad that there is so much crime in the world, but I am glad that there is so much diversity in the types of crime that can be committed. Embezzlement is one of the best crimes even when, and usually when you get caught and have to pay most of it back. But what's better than a crazy ass spending spree on a bunch of money that isn't yours? The highs that you reach on that coin will far outweigh the lifetime of payments that you will be making there after. That level of spending euphoria could only be reached in the climbing world by riding a giraffe to the top of Mt. Everest. The giraffe would be in a tailor made winter coat and you would set off fire works when you got to the top. Obviously the fireworks would make an American flag. 

Sure it's a selfish greed fueled act that is not morally permissible under any circumstances, but it does look like a lot of fun. This is and always will be a capitalist world. Idealists the world over can cry all they want about the inherent greed of everything but it will never do any good. Our government is bought out, our favorite icons are bought out, you and I are sellouts even if we don't realize it. Embezzlement is just the logical conclusion of a flawed, but best of the options available world. I don't see why more embezzling accountants don't just use the money they steal in order to retire to a third world country and live like a king. Nobody in law enforcement will be coming after you if you become the nerdy white guy arms dealer in war torn Nigeria. You can build a palace there for like 78k tops. Will it be up to code? Well no but a palace made of bamboo is still a palace which means you can still enjoy cocaine and hookers there.  

When you take money or assets from a company that you are entrusted with the financial management there of, you have committed embezzlement as far as I can tell from a few seconds of looking at a definition. A lady in Sioux Falls SD is having to pay back the 100k that she stole while bookkeeping for a couple dental practices. Honestly, what else are you going to do besides break the law if you live in South Dakota? Boring places should have the highest pay in the nation to compensate for the infinite boredom that you will be subject to while living there. The state of South Dakota should provide every city in their state with a theme park and every business as much cocaine as is humanly possible to consume. Every time you watch the cars going by on the highway in South Dakota you are actually witnessing the metaphorical best years of your life slipping away from you. All the while you just stand there in the only convenience store for miles with your cheese puffs and a diet Pepsi in your hands waiting to hand over a little more of the cash that you could be using to escape to Las Vegas. 

I wonder if there is something to the idea that people who commit embezzlement really do deserve that extra money. What if the amount that they steal is the amount that they should be paid based on experience and skill? Maybe the solution to embezzlement is the yearly salary increase for good employees. Lord knows, college graduates are almost universally useless and the experienced older workers will never see any appreciation. It's like there is a set of golden rules of business that none of us regular people ever get to see. "No matter what Jim you must never pay for experience, hire the incompetent young guy that will take 7 years to train and make sure to sexually harass your secretary. Got all that Jim? Good man. Now get out there and get nothing done."  

It makes me happy that the people who get caught embezzling usually don't seem to do very much time. It's still just a financial crime and for me that really doesn't mean much. It's just money, which can be paid back. Usually the amounts stolen will take an incredibly long time to pay back but it is possible. There should be a happy ending to these stories because there is a lot of ways to pay off debts. Which would you rather pay on for the rest of your life, the student loans that made it possible for you to earn your useless Masters in Fine Arts? Or the aftermath of the greatest sin binge that the mind could ever conjure? It's an easy decision for all of us, but only some of us would ever admit it.

I think it's important to establish the level of personal and professional investment the embezzler has in the company they are stealing from. This way we can see if they really do love the place but need more money because of gambling, drug addiction or some other life problem. If the life problem is the issue, then that could be treated. If they really do love the place and need more money, then keep their current salary and establish some kind of commission option. This might attach them to their actions within the company more so than before. The information that I contribute to the world is like when a horrifying sea creature bites the window you are looking out of in your submarine. It's alarming, you might have peed a bit, but ultimately pointless as the act will never do any tangible good beyond entertainment. Entertainment for the jerks laughing at you on the bottom of the ocean.

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Click here if you'd like to learn more about embezzlement: https://legal-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/embezzlement

Click here if you'd like to hear more about the South Dakota lady: https://www.sfgate.com/news/crime/article/Former-dental-bookkeeper-facing-embezzlement-14378369.php

Click here if you'd like to know more about what to expect when you move to Nigeria: https://www.businessinsider.com/the-worlds-worst-war-zones-2015-3#4-nigeria-was-the-fourth-deadliest-conflict-with-11529-fatalities-the-intensifying-conflict-with-boko-haram-resulted-in-almost-three-times-those-killed-in-2013-4

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Comedy Story: Having A Broken Heart

It really sucks to be broken hearted because of love and missing someone that is special to you. Sometimes this means death and sometimes it means they live too far away. Sometimes it means that you followed them home and jerked off in their bushes every night for a few months until the neighbors reported you. These things happen and you can't dwell on them forever. If you did you'd be in a DMT level trance but with no aliens and face of God kaleidoscopes, just a never ending highlight real of all the times you got too drunk and puked on the dance floor. 

The broken hearted feeling sucks and I fucking hate it. I hate it when my enemies have it and I don't even have enemies, just a couple guys that don't want to play basketball with me at the gym. I don't want those that don't like me to have to deal with heartache, it just sucks so bad. I don't want to have this feeling for myself or anyone else. Heart ache is when you are in so much pain that you could sit on a park bench and watch an entire family get abducted by men with pantyhose masks and you would not even realize it when aliens abducted the men who were abducting the family. 

We all have to lose people, and no one stays in your life forever. You want to hold onto those memories and cherish them and love those people and stay in contact with them as much as you can. But it's a part of life that you lose people when they die or when they move away to some extent. It's even worse if you're like so many of the elderly folks who develop dementia and lose even the memories that meant so much to them. I've said it before but life is cruel. Life breaks you down like a mad chemist trying to invent a breakthrough in chemical warfare. Life kicks your shins as hard as when you crack them on a trailer hitch that you didn't see. Life likes to hint that things are going to get better and then punts your nut sack to the 7 yard line from the back of it's own end zone. 

Sometimes I think about parallel universes where if I could travel far enough from where I am now maybe I could go see the person that I've lost again or visit that person that I miss the most. I'd definitely do it, consequences be damned even if they didn't recognize me and it was only for a little while. To smell the smells and see the sights and hear the sounds with them just one more time. But it's just not going to happen. You may be thinking that I need to go to therapy because I've written all this mopey shit. But therapy only ever helped me once, a long time ago. That lady moved out of state, so like I said you can never really win. Winning in life is just a temporary clotting of a massive wound near some of the more important organs. It's going to tear open again at some point but at least for now you don't have to clean up a massive mess. 

I feel overwhelming sadness when I think of what I've lost. So I follow Psalm 90:12 "Teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom." When you number your days you feel a sense of progression. I prefer tally marks over crossing days off on the calendar. My tally marks are a real life version of an experience bar from a video game. I'm too old to be leveling up my team composed entirely of fire Pokemon these days, so I just level myself up at the things that matter to me. I get the same rush as when I was playing Pokemon Silver everyday as a kid which was probably the last time that I was genuinely happy too. Staring for long hours at my Gameboy Color might have ruined my eyesight but just like the diabetic on a donut binge, I'm too far in the game to care.    

I don't think I'll ever get over the things that really make me sad. I'll always be bracing to lose people that I care about. I'll probably never expect it to workout romantically with someone that I really love. I think I'll just be remembering my days and working towards the next day. If you do that 10,000 times at some point you're just doing one more time every single day. You don't plan for 10,000 days you just do 10,000 one more times. I want to be like a bridge over the ocean. Weathered plenty of storms over a long life, but never went down except after that one last massive hurricane in my 85th year.   

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Comedy Story: Key to Space Travel? Packed Lunches and Sex

Buildings, restaurants, movie theaters and city's in general need to do a better job of planning for romance. From hotels to city hall, any place where romance can be, romance should be. Romance is important to mankind. How much better would the standard of living be if every structure in every city and town was planned for romance and procreation? Yes there would be a lot more babies, but aren't we about to start colonizing space? Yes, every place would smell like sex, but wouldn't that be great for air freshener companies? This is a universal plan that holds to many pluses for the negatives to even be written down.

What's prim and proper as it pertains to sexuality is outdated. If you think that sex is for the master bedroom only then it's high time you dawned your scarlet letter and got back to churning butter. People are banging. Space is waiting for us, all we need is the right kind of space ship to send lot's of unwanted people to space. All we have to do is create the right kind of space ship for the job, the right kind of space stations to link all the different humans together in communication and enough packed lunches to keep all the astronauts supplied until they get where they are going. I guess then they would also need materials to create Earth like living quarters out of all the space that they land on. So pack that stuff and we'll send more packed lunches as we go along.

In this, my featured scenario, STD's would be rampant. Unplanned pregnancies would go through the roof. The Earth is already over populated and polluted, so we develop our super computer first. The computer figures out how to give us flying saucers and then we start sending most of the population to astronaut certification school so we can colonize the galaxy. If you're pretty much a fuck up already, like myself, then you have to go through the astronaut certification program at your local community college. We don't need a country of 10 million waiters and bartenders. College students that are actually smart enough to make it in college will replace us losers and we will go to space in rickety, used car versions of space ships. We open massive factories to make packed lunches for all the explorers and boom the perfect plot for humanity.

What we really want as a species is to advance our technology so much that we ascend into dimensions where you can't even see us. Basically we want to become space ghosts that rule entire universes. The barely developed cavemen on the far side of existence we will go to visit so that we can elevate them into something technologically amazing too. That's the future of humanity. If you disagree with me then you are in all likelihood a religious fanatic who may or may not believe, as of just now that I am the Antichrist. I am unfazed by your judgment as you will no doubt believe the same thing about the next bagger at the grocery store that happens to be a minority with a smile or a young person with a visible tattoo.

Will all this procreating make us even more desensitized to each other than we already are? Maybe so, but I think it's a worthy trade if you get to have sex with anyone and everyone whenever and wherever you want. Obviously people can still say no, there's no totalitarian rule that says you can't say no. But the opportunity and the chance is still there. There's a chance that they might say yes and if you always have somewhere to do it and that place is always stocked with condoms, then what do you have to lose? Well you probably won't use the condoms. If the space program needs even more government slaves than are already available, then we could just get rid of the condoms. This new way of living will allow humanity to take over the universe and I will have been the one to put it to blog post format first. Which means that some time after I die, some kooks will invent a religion around my blog. This of course, was always my master plan.

You might be thinking that I won't get to see this future, but that is not the case. With this post I have published the blue print for the future of mankind. Everything that happens after this will culminate in the future that I have outlined. Once the policies start to take shape in this timeline, I'll just consult the first super computer that we invent, which should not be too far in the future about time travel. The computer will figure it out and I'll hop through the wormhole into my smelly, space travelly, future full of boning. Like I said before, there really is no downside to this plan. If you and I still can't agree on how great my plan is than you are likely grazing in a field of green grass with the rest of the sheep. The sheep think it's weird that a religious fanatic is helping them to keep the grass short, but they don't question it, same as you.

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Short Funny Story: Reacting to "Take me Away"

So a very stonery friend of mine asked me what I would do if a girl asked me to take her away to someplace safe. The setting being a party where the girl has a man, and he is at the party. Well first things first I would help her. By introducing her to a new setting, namely my basement torture dungeon. 

But actually I would try to figure out where the danger is that she wants to get away from. That way we can determine the best way out of the venue. We will want to take a route that bypasses the danger. On the way I will be thinking but not saying all of these things: First of all what the fucking shit? Why have you asked me? Why have you put yourself in this situation? Why have you decided to bring me into the situation with you? Do you think that I do not want to be safe? That I was just pining for some adventure and danger? Well I was not you selfish cow. 

I'm still going to help because I can't ignore someone in trouble. Still a shitty thing to take me out of my isolated bubble of peacefulness in order to rescue you from whatever. Yes that is how I am at parties. You can do whatever you want at the party, I will be figuring out what I want to do after my social obligation to the friends at the party is up. This could also just be some setup for me to be mugged. Which will have made it a complete waste of time on all fronts. I have no money, so the criminals get no roi of their time and effort. I get stressed out for a bit but ultimately never go to a party again. Which actually makes it not a waste of time because then it gives me a reason to never go back to one. I'll be in the front row at church thanking God at the top of my lungs just like the preacher wants. 

Going to a party for me is like asking 1 person to clean up an exploded nuclear reactor by him or herself. Not a qualified person either, just someone off the streets. The task is too great, the pressure too much and my willpower far too little. Asking me to help someone is like asking a hermit that has meditated for a 1,000 years on top of a mtn to start working doubles as a cook at the local Ruby Tuesdays. It's far too much human interaction and I'd much rather do nothing. 

That being said I am a highly empathetic guy. So if someone approaches me with the aforementioned scenario I would be concerned,sad and angry. Concerned for her immediate safety, sad that she's having a hard time and angry at the world for being the way that it has always been. My 1,000 years of meditating on top of Bell Mtn, Hiawassee GA have taught me that life will fuck you no matter who you fuck. You spend must of your time waiting to be fucked. 

So I'd take the broad out of her nasty situation and through the McDonald's drove thru. Which is by some considerations to be an even nastier situation, especially if you work there. Then we're off to her house. If something criminal had happened to her, then we'd hit the hospital or police station, whichever is the most immediate need. We'd still hit Mickie d's though. I am  an American after all. 

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