The Answers: How to Stop Slurping Your Drink

This is a pretty simple how-to. First, you're going to have to make sure that you're not a total piece of shit. Audibly slurping a drink is a move that only the least considerate and moronic among us do. Opening your mouth and dumping drink and/or soup down the whole in your face is more than enough to put you in a position to swallow. There is no need to suck wind like a sentient, vengeful vacuum that hates the dust because it's moved in to the living room to take all the great living room jobs.

Nobody feels like they can tell you that you slurp your drink because it's so fucking obvious that it seems redundant and insulting to you to have to point it out. Make no mistake, you are the problem. This is the sort of behavior that incredibly selfish people put on. The kind that will try to make everyone else sick when they are sick. The kind that will insist on talking about every little aspect of their life with other people in order to vent. We don't wanna hear it!

Although, I am guilty of talking about personal stuff at work. Work is such a mundane and tiresome thing that I have to talk about personal shit or I'll just be so bored I won't be able to stand it. Not stuff like "I fucking hate my dad. UGH! Everything in my life that is bad is his fault!!" More along the lines of reflecting on stories from my past that were funny, crazy, traumatic in some way. The bottom line is that the stories have to be interesting and if they aren't, and I realize that at some point in the story then I'll just say the ending and admit that it was a dumb story. This keeps the flow of the work day conversation going.

The same motherfuckers that are slurping their drinks/soup are the same motherfuckers that well tell a story like this: "I was catching up with a friend of mine that I knew for three years in high school. He and I used to go to the Taco Bell and eat...tacos. I called him the other day and asked him how he's doing and he said that now they've got a Pizza Hut out there. Ain't that something." NO, it's fucking not!

No comments:

Post a Comment

Most Popular Posts