A lot of people want flat abs and a sexy beach bod and all that shit. Not me. I ain't looking to live forever because getting old sucks. Plus, have you ever fell on your face before? Well I haven't because my belly is in the way of that. Now some of you are starting to come over to my side eh? Flat abs and all that may or may not be good for your face. Anyway, I'm here to provide you with my well researched and properly tested techniques for making your belly fatter.
1. Add sugar to everything
Adding sugar has been found to be an incredibly unhealthy thing to do. So do it. Sugar doesn't even really taste that good. Be honest with yourself, you can't really say what sugar tastes like. It's sweet sure, but what does that really mean? I don't know and I can't tell you, but I can tell you that my coffee is mixed with Coca-Cola and 11 packets of raw sugar. I like to add some much that there remains a grainy texture in the drink. Sometimes I fill a bowl with sugar and dump one cup of coffee in there with for a crunchy, mushy sugar soup. Some other ways you can apply this is to dump sugar over your popcorn, garnish your salad with sugar, soak your burger buns in honey and have molasses syrup as your toothpaste.
2. No more protein
Protein has been proven to be good for weight loss. So we don't want any of that. Later in this post I'll describe how we won't be moving anymore. Well, that'd be impossible unless we die, which we want to happen. I've spoken with a few immortals and they all have tremendous buyer's remorse. Apparently, all the aches and pains of getting old just keep getting worse indefinitely. So, my heart goes out to all the 1000 year old vampires that read my blog.
3. No more movement
Right, so we aren't going to be exercising anymore and if we do have to move we need to make it minimal. If you're a hard working server out there, it's time to become a lazy piece of shit that drags the rest of the team down. In all likelihood, you already have someone like that on the team, so their impact shouldn't be difficult to replicate. Think of yourself as a tick. You're only alive to feed off of someone else and then die as a giant bloated bag of blood. I'm not gonna lie, I deleted that last sentence a few times before deciding to move on. It's pretty damn disgusting.
4. Guzzle fruit juice
Here's a little, or maybe somewhat known fact, fruit juices aren't that great for you. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to know what is known in the first place. That's really kind of arrogant on my part to pose like I might know what people do and do not know. Which brings me to this most pressing question, do you think that our world is ruled by a sentient computer? I wouldn't be surprised if at the bottom of the internet depths, there lived a sentient super computer with designs for world domination through mental manipulation. Sending signals that change us into drooling slaves through memes and other internet culture bullshit. Lemme know what you think in the comments.
Back to fruit juice, everything has a serving size for a reason. Fruit juice is full of sugar. Sugar is something that we're already adding to our tacos, pizza and cheeseburgers if you're following along correctly. Fruits are full of sugar to begin with, but when you drink the kind that has had tons of the cocaine looking sweet stuff thrown in, double whammy. So, forget soda and beer/wine. We are gonna guzzle fruit juices, the sweeter the better. If you follow my steps detailed here, you'll no doubt succeed in making your belly fatter.
Disclaimer: Obviously, don't do any of this shit.
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