1. Scientologists are desperately searching for meaning in a belief system penned by a fiction author.
2. Elon Musk will soon become the smartest man in the world as he has decided to pay himself 55 billion dollars.
3. Researchers at the Institute of Self-Imposed Boredom were able to conclude from their studies of tourist behavior at trinket shops that people will indeed, stand in line for anything.
4. "Psychedelics can improve mental health." This from my unemployed neighbor, aged 35 who finger paints.
5. Singer Lizzo was turning heads on the red carpet recently. She wore a tight, black leather dress that proved once and for all that dressing like a chode in a small black condom can make the news.
6. Fat burning yoga routines have succeeded in making many women look like really flexible cows.
7. Being stressed at work has been voted the number 1 way to remember that you are at work.
8. "Perfect meditation requires a perfect meditation space." Says the lead researcher at the Institute of Sitting on Your Ass.
9. Out of touch baby boomer blames loss of finger tips.
Short Funny Story: I Don't Want to Work for the Power Company
I am sure there are people out there that do, very much so want to work for the power company. I am positive that there are people who would find dealing with tools, wires, cables, drills, hammers and geometric manipulation software shit to be...electrifying.There are plenty of people who are capable of and willing to work for the power company. This is a highly sought after job. The baby boomer who keeps coming around and telling me that I, comedy writer and bartender extraordinaire should work for the power company can stick all of the power companies in America up his ass.
I don't know how many times I have to communicate that I already love what I do. What I do is wake up, jack off, eat a snack, jack off again, message a broad on Tinder, schedule a new blog post, answer an email, take a nap, write half of the next blog post and then go to work where I sexually harass my middle aged dish washer named Bill. I don't need to change and I don't want a wife and kids and benefits and all that shit. I have health insurance and a good job that pays well and keeps me happy. Why on Earth would I change from that?
Because this guy who should be proud of me and care that I don't care to hear his advice, is not proud of me. When it comes to the reasonable request of "I love what I do, please leave me alone." He becomes completely deaf. Family, the people that you should always have your back, in reality, do not. Sometimes they will take the shirt and skin off your back but they will only rarely protect said back. This is why family, a unit that you should seemingly never ignore, is precisely the people that you should ignore when it comes to your life. The same extends to friends, buddies, acquaintances, customers and whatever category you place church family in. I put them in the irrelevant category. As it pertains to how you live your life, you are the only important person. God is a deity, so that doesn't count in this instance because it's implied that deity always wins.
I am the only important person, not the game show host on TV that I am pretty sure is trying to send me coded messages. The email scammer that just wants me for my money and doesn't have any intention of sending me 55 million dollars no matter how many times I pay his advance fee of 300 bucks. I'm not being selfish here, I'm being practical. I can't help the whole world or even my family and friends to be honest. But I can help myself. Asking any more of someone than that is selfish.
I don't know how many times I have to communicate that I already love what I do. What I do is wake up, jack off, eat a snack, jack off again, message a broad on Tinder, schedule a new blog post, answer an email, take a nap, write half of the next blog post and then go to work where I sexually harass my middle aged dish washer named Bill. I don't need to change and I don't want a wife and kids and benefits and all that shit. I have health insurance and a good job that pays well and keeps me happy. Why on Earth would I change from that?
Because this guy who should be proud of me and care that I don't care to hear his advice, is not proud of me. When it comes to the reasonable request of "I love what I do, please leave me alone." He becomes completely deaf. Family, the people that you should always have your back, in reality, do not. Sometimes they will take the shirt and skin off your back but they will only rarely protect said back. This is why family, a unit that you should seemingly never ignore, is precisely the people that you should ignore when it comes to your life. The same extends to friends, buddies, acquaintances, customers and whatever category you place church family in. I put them in the irrelevant category. As it pertains to how you live your life, you are the only important person. God is a deity, so that doesn't count in this instance because it's implied that deity always wins.
I am the only important person, not the game show host on TV that I am pretty sure is trying to send me coded messages. The email scammer that just wants me for my money and doesn't have any intention of sending me 55 million dollars no matter how many times I pay his advance fee of 300 bucks. I'm not being selfish here, I'm being practical. I can't help the whole world or even my family and friends to be honest. But I can help myself. Asking any more of someone than that is selfish.
Shot Glass Thought: Subway Should Give up on Public Relations
Subway, just give up. Stop running commercials, contact a professional who specializes in shutting down a company and let him/her go to work. Your entire brand was built around the weight loss of a disgusting pedophile. Nobody thinks of you as having fresh or healthy food. We just think of you as a giant company that paid a guy outrageous amounts of money and him spending that money on child pornography. Maybe you had no clue he was that way, that's fine. We get it. But it doesn't change the fact that every time we see your stupid fucking commercials, we think "Oh, that's the fat pedophile sandwich company." A pedophile sandwich is the only thing that cannibals will say no to. Besides the fact that we think of you as a giant pedophile sandwich, we are sick of the fucking smell that your restaurant has. Staying in a Subway long enough to get your order is going to make you smell like a spicy jalapeno belch. Doesn't matter if you order peppers or not. You're not healthy either. You serve an entire loaf of bread with every meal. Subway and BK are competing to serve the most mayo each year. And mayo, is not a fucking health food. Neither is BK and neither is Subway. So in short, fuck Subway and your stupid business. Just go away.
Jokes: The News in 8 Wise Musings
1. Party boy depression researchers prone to being down.
2. Antagonistic typist prone to pushing buttons.
3. A man was shot in the head outside of Asheville, NC. His surgeon said the patient is finding it difficult to be mindful.
4. Body building professional eaters are finding buffets to be the best place to get buffull.
5. Confused child wondering what inner city town is father hood.
6. Having a scheduled "worry time" is the new best identifier for deciding which guy you're not going to fuck.
7. "How human are you?" found to be the most offensive thing to ask your computer.
8. Asking your boss "Wanna fuck?" has been found to be the number 1 way to end your employment as a plumber.
The Answers: How to Get Over Someone You Loved But Never Dated in 4 Easy Steps
First of all, the haters who tell you that you need to get over someone are wrong. Obsession is our quiet expertise. Nobody has to know that you know every single place that one person goes. Somebody, besides the government should know where that one person goes. Volunteering that information to you willingly would be a dangerous practice for this one person that you know everything about. So it's better to just learn that information on your own with the help of a private investigator or a few hackers on the internet. But if you've decided to get over your muse, then here's a quick and easy method for doing just that.
1. My life feels destroyed, so now yours will too.
So this title pretty much speaks for itself. You/I already know everything about the person that shattered your world and crushed your heart. Therefore, you already know how to wreck this person's life. She goes to her favorite camping spot, you bring your best big foot impression to that camp site. She goes to the grocery store to pick up more kale, you poison the kale. All of the kale, go to the source. Whatever far away land makes kale, go there and poison the kale. If she survives the poison, recovers and then decides to go to the lake to jog, you drive the nearest white rape van that you can find. You don't put her in the van, you just pull alongside her and stare as she quietly panics.
2. Get Help
So yeah most plebs will talk to friends, confide in a mental health professional or will just drink the problem away. All of those things are technically options but I recommend you stay entirely alone. Building a shrine is a perfectly rational thing to do when you feel like you have nobody to turn to. Because you don't have anyone to turn to. But once your shrine is finished, you'll always be able to turn to ...Julia...sweet Julia. My Julia. Erm, well anyway yeah, your shrine should be whoever...it should be. You can break into her house and steel mundane objects from her bathroom, night stand and coffee table. These are the easiest possessions to notice when they aren't there. Her thoughts about those objects being gone will fuel the spirit energy that your shrine will summon.
3. Never Admit That You're Hurt
Blast heavy metal music channel on Pandora every second of every day. Never stop. I don't care what your data overages look like, find a way around that. You must go deaf to the sound of electric guitar riffs and thundering drums. You will only wear black clothing and you will not fucking smile. I don't care if you win the lottery. Do not smile and never admit what is bothering you. Everyone that asks you what is wrong should be astonished at the level of rudeness that you employ in your response. Your new primary means of communication is to grunt, snarl and swear.
4. You Haven't Lost Them, They Aren't Dead...Yet
Understand that if you give them space enough to re-evaluate what you mean to them, they might decide that the distance between you two is too much. They might re-establish contact and try to renew the relationship. But none of this will happen if you freak out too much. Keep the shrine on the way down low, you'll sink your chances if they learn anything about that. Don't say anything about their private life to their face that hasn't already been revealed to you by them. We might have 8 terabytes of information pertaining to the mundane details of how they spend their time but letting them in on that is gonna be a big deterrent to the restoration of your relationship.
So obviously this is all just a big joke. Which is why you clicked on the comedy apprentice. I am thankful that you did and I hope that you got a few good laughs from this piece. If you are having trouble with a break up maybe this could help https://bit.ly/2TLH7oc. Get some help and be well. Also come back and talk some shit to me about my click bait title.
1. My life feels destroyed, so now yours will too.
So this title pretty much speaks for itself. You/I already know everything about the person that shattered your world and crushed your heart. Therefore, you already know how to wreck this person's life. She goes to her favorite camping spot, you bring your best big foot impression to that camp site. She goes to the grocery store to pick up more kale, you poison the kale. All of the kale, go to the source. Whatever far away land makes kale, go there and poison the kale. If she survives the poison, recovers and then decides to go to the lake to jog, you drive the nearest white rape van that you can find. You don't put her in the van, you just pull alongside her and stare as she quietly panics.
2. Get Help
So yeah most plebs will talk to friends, confide in a mental health professional or will just drink the problem away. All of those things are technically options but I recommend you stay entirely alone. Building a shrine is a perfectly rational thing to do when you feel like you have nobody to turn to. Because you don't have anyone to turn to. But once your shrine is finished, you'll always be able to turn to ...Julia...sweet Julia. My Julia. Erm, well anyway yeah, your shrine should be whoever...it should be. You can break into her house and steel mundane objects from her bathroom, night stand and coffee table. These are the easiest possessions to notice when they aren't there. Her thoughts about those objects being gone will fuel the spirit energy that your shrine will summon.
3. Never Admit That You're Hurt
Blast heavy metal music channel on Pandora every second of every day. Never stop. I don't care what your data overages look like, find a way around that. You must go deaf to the sound of electric guitar riffs and thundering drums. You will only wear black clothing and you will not fucking smile. I don't care if you win the lottery. Do not smile and never admit what is bothering you. Everyone that asks you what is wrong should be astonished at the level of rudeness that you employ in your response. Your new primary means of communication is to grunt, snarl and swear.
4. You Haven't Lost Them, They Aren't Dead...Yet
Understand that if you give them space enough to re-evaluate what you mean to them, they might decide that the distance between you two is too much. They might re-establish contact and try to renew the relationship. But none of this will happen if you freak out too much. Keep the shrine on the way down low, you'll sink your chances if they learn anything about that. Don't say anything about their private life to their face that hasn't already been revealed to you by them. We might have 8 terabytes of information pertaining to the mundane details of how they spend their time but letting them in on that is gonna be a big deterrent to the restoration of your relationship.
So obviously this is all just a big joke. Which is why you clicked on the comedy apprentice. I am thankful that you did and I hope that you got a few good laughs from this piece. If you are having trouble with a break up maybe this could help https://bit.ly/2TLH7oc. Get some help and be well. Also come back and talk some shit to me about my click bait title.
Jokes: 4 Statements From an Expert Mole Hill Maker
1. Recent dating polls have put consensual sex with an origami expert as the least desirable sexual outcome. 2nd place? Getting Raped.
2. More and more people are reporting struggles with health anxiety. Close behind is a fear of needles and the perfectly rational fear that your penis may never returning after the extreme shrinkage experienced during an examination.
3. Aaron Hernandez, the former Patriot star tight end and murderer was found to have had the worst case of brain damage ever found in a man his age. Teammates and coaches always marveled at the brilliance of Hernandez's physical attributes and his mental mastery of the game. If a man with severe brain damage can still be a smart football player, well then they are just as dumb as we all thought.
4. Workplace improvement organizations are ceasing operations in 2020 en masse. One representative of the industry cited that "Without exception, everybody hates work and wants go back home." The only man in their case study that was found to not hate work was a man named Billie Woowoo who doesn't fucking exist. "Yeah we made up Billie for fun one day. We each had a couple margaritas at lunch. Probably the best day I worked in this business."
2. More and more people are reporting struggles with health anxiety. Close behind is a fear of needles and the perfectly rational fear that your penis may never returning after the extreme shrinkage experienced during an examination.
3. Aaron Hernandez, the former Patriot star tight end and murderer was found to have had the worst case of brain damage ever found in a man his age. Teammates and coaches always marveled at the brilliance of Hernandez's physical attributes and his mental mastery of the game. If a man with severe brain damage can still be a smart football player, well then they are just as dumb as we all thought.
4. Workplace improvement organizations are ceasing operations in 2020 en masse. One representative of the industry cited that "Without exception, everybody hates work and wants go back home." The only man in their case study that was found to not hate work was a man named Billie Woowoo who doesn't fucking exist. "Yeah we made up Billie for fun one day. We each had a couple margaritas at lunch. Probably the best day I worked in this business."
The Answers: How To Kiss
So believe it or not, there have been a few times in my life where I've kissed someone. Kissing is a fantastic expression of love and affection and can communicate many different things based on what culture you might be talking about. But this is not a history of kissing so much as it is a rudimentary manual. So let's keep the pioneers of metal in mind as we keep it simple stupid. You're going to open your mouth only slightly as you tilt your head to one side or the other. Don't open your mouth too widely or you're going to look more like you're prepping to take a bite out of her/him. For however open minded the world of today might be, cannibalism is still pretty much off limits.
If your partner is already going one way, then mirror that as you'll end up in the right place. For any big dumb dumbs out there that doesn't mean go to the same side that he/she goes to. The opposite side, so that you two fit together and don't clash foreheads. You're trying to create a face mashing that is somewhat reminiscent of the yin and yang symbol. But with your mouths. Keep in mind, there is always a possibility that they will recoil from the foul blast of your hot breath hitting them for the first time. I mean fuck, I can smell it from my apartment.
You'll carefully or forcefully if you're a wild ass, pair your lips to the target lips. Don't keep your eyes wide open, that's weird. Don't purse your lips together too tightly, you're supposed to be romantically engaged not pretending to kiss your aunt on the cheek. You kind of just keep repeating that motion from slightly different angles and viola! You're kissing. What to do with your hands and tongue are up to you and your partner. Some of you should practice having the conversation about boundaries with your blow up sex doll before you try it on a human.
A couple of ways to make sure that kissing goes wrong is to breathe heavily and loudly as you go in for the kiss. Try to kiss someone that would not otherwise expect a kiss, like a complete stranger. Kissing in the daylight in front of other people. That's just bad for the other people, nobody likes PDA. And trying to do too much too early on. She might think it's romantic to be kissed good night after a good evening but she probably isn't ready to be fingered on her porch if you guys just met. Unless she went on the date in a wife beater and chain smokes cheap cigarettes while griping about her 4 kids. If that's the case you can probably bust out the crack pipe and make a whole weekend out of it. Also, never try to finger a complete stranger. Never works out.
If your partner is already going one way, then mirror that as you'll end up in the right place. For any big dumb dumbs out there that doesn't mean go to the same side that he/she goes to. The opposite side, so that you two fit together and don't clash foreheads. You're trying to create a face mashing that is somewhat reminiscent of the yin and yang symbol. But with your mouths. Keep in mind, there is always a possibility that they will recoil from the foul blast of your hot breath hitting them for the first time. I mean fuck, I can smell it from my apartment.
You'll carefully or forcefully if you're a wild ass, pair your lips to the target lips. Don't keep your eyes wide open, that's weird. Don't purse your lips together too tightly, you're supposed to be romantically engaged not pretending to kiss your aunt on the cheek. You kind of just keep repeating that motion from slightly different angles and viola! You're kissing. What to do with your hands and tongue are up to you and your partner. Some of you should practice having the conversation about boundaries with your blow up sex doll before you try it on a human.
A couple of ways to make sure that kissing goes wrong is to breathe heavily and loudly as you go in for the kiss. Try to kiss someone that would not otherwise expect a kiss, like a complete stranger. Kissing in the daylight in front of other people. That's just bad for the other people, nobody likes PDA. And trying to do too much too early on. She might think it's romantic to be kissed good night after a good evening but she probably isn't ready to be fingered on her porch if you guys just met. Unless she went on the date in a wife beater and chain smokes cheap cigarettes while griping about her 4 kids. If that's the case you can probably bust out the crack pipe and make a whole weekend out of it. Also, never try to finger a complete stranger. Never works out.
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