The Answers: How to Cut Your Own Hair

Here's how I, famous and fabulously rich comedy genius, Austin, cut my own hair. I take the clipper that I use on my beard and ball beard and I put a limiter on it so that I can trim the hair on my head. When I have to move to the back of my head, I take my phone out and turn it's selfie camera on and then point it at the mirror. I turn my back and then trim the back of my head and neck while looking at my phone screen. This is a most advanced technique and not something that everyone should try. The hair will fall onto the floor. So it's best to have a broom and dustpan if you have hardwood floors and a vacuum if your shit is carpet.

The technique I have thus outlined is a technique for men and very butch women. If you want to cut your hair as a woman and you don't want to look like a professional female boxer, then you'll first want to develop some very serious emotional traumas pertaining to your father. Next, you're going to want to turn to sex, drugs and attention seeking in order to fill that void. When you realize your life is firmly off the rails, go ahead and publicly decry the system that has made you into a sniveling, miserable little shit. Then, in a fit of madness start hacking your hair out with scissors and chef knives. Eventually, when you half way come to your senses you'll just do what I outlined in the first paragraph of this post.

There you have it! Two perfect ways to get one thing done. One for man and one for woman. The content on this blog is just getting better and better. Almost brings a tear to my eye.

The Answers: How Do I Follow Blogs?

Really the only blog in existence that you should follow is mine. This one, the one that you're on. It's perfect in every way. It's funny and it gives real world, practical advice such as "Stay away from eugenicists", "Don't make the Nazi's mad" and "Never take advice." So the way to subscribe to this most perfect of blogs is to look to the right of the page on my home page. Then scroll down till you see the total page views number. There will be a subscribe button there. You can use this button and the services affiliated with it to subscribe to my blog. Alternatively, you can scroll to the bottom of my home page and subscribe via email. I recommend this method as  email has been around long enough that I trust it as a service. I am paranoid about Facebook and social media in general. But I'm also paranoid in general. But you already knew that didn't you? Didn't you!! That's it, I'm locking my doors and turning out the lights. No posts till the end of next month! 

The following of a WordPress blog is similar. There will be some form of a subscribe button or follow button somewhere on the blog's homepage. Sometimes you will be prompted to subscribe before you have even read the content that you have clicked on. Which kind of defeats the purpose of writing the content. Because I might have gone looking for your follow button if you let me read the content that I wanted to read. But you fucking interrupted me on my way with your fucking prompt. Now I'll never know if Nazi's built a hideaway in Antarctica that they used to launch themselves into space. All because you couldn't wait one fucking second to tell me to subscribe so that you can flood my inbox with opportunities to spend money on your shit. I want to do well too you know. I can't just buy whatever you email me. I need to have a savings account worse than I need a promotional new business opportunity that I'll have to pay to join for some reason. 

So there you go, all the answers you could possibly dream of for this topic. Since I have so expertly and eloquently written this post I am sure that all who read it will then subscribe to experience more of my flawless writing. For that I am eternally grateful that you all will be eternally grateful to have my writing sent straight to your inbox. 

Jokes: 4 One(or more) Liners to Enliven Your Long Abandoned Loins

1. A dire need has arisen in rural North Carolina to reduce the deer population due to overpopulation and the infuriating tendency to dodge bullets at the last moment when you think you've got them. This statement comes from expert local hunter Brian Lavender who has been a devout supporter of deer population control after unsuccessful hunting trips.

2. Trade deal proposals have been faltering between the US and China. Many experts believe that the deals aren't actually making it to China as the Wi-fi has been speculated to be down in the trade deal office. Trade deal official Kenny Birkin will update us once Rick, the tech guy has had a chance to look at the router and possibly reset it.

3. "Today is the day we make peace!" This from the minister of war in the country of Botsnovia. "The war with Ti-Liangula in the east has gone on long enough." Experts believe that this great change of heart has come from the minister's recent discovery of his astrological sign. His reading for today was "be the sunshine that you want to bathe in."

4.  Stephen Gaghan, the director of the new Dolittle is on the receiving end of some speculation that he might be a secret double agent working for a rival movie making company. This after he created the new Dr. Dolittle, a movie so bad that it "may destroy our entire company." This quote comes from the CEO of Universal Pictures, Ronald Meyer.

The Answers: How to Smoke Cracker Sized Bologna

This is a post about how to smoke crack. Code names are important in the underground. Oh wait, you really wanna know about smoking bologna? Okay sure, I think I can cover that. You're going to need a smoker. So you can have your own smoker for like 55 usd. How they work is that you pack the lower rack with wood chips and then light them on fire...I think. You put the bologna on the upper rack and then close the hatch...I think. You can also slice up the bologna into small little cracker sized shapes before you smoke them...yeah, I'm pretty sure about that part. To be honest, I've never used a smoker before. I don't own a smoker, nor will I ever. I do buy a good deal of bologna. I love it on whole wheat bread with olive oil mayo and creamy horseradish. So damn good. I bet it would be even better if the bologna was smoked, so somebody should really make a YouTube video on that. Actually, seems like this dude knows how, so check him out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EXqmpPk5IRk.

The Answers: What are Hemorrhoids?

Hemorrhoids are swollen veins in and around the inside or outside of your asshole. They hurt, itch and sometimes bleed. I got mine from heavy lifting and working hard. This is the punishment that life bestows upon you for working hard. Hemorrhoids can also form when you get fucked in the ass. Which is really just another way of describing hard work. You also can't strain during bowel movements or they might form. But sometimes you have to do that anyway, so you're fucked. Fucked in the ass. It's also not great to sit for long times on the toilet. So if you decide to be a genius and have an extra break at work by sitting on the toilet pretending to take a shit, you'll also be risking the rhoids. So even when you try to take a break from working your ass off by pretending to dump ass, you'll end up wrecking your ass. This is the post that proves that all along I've been a philosopher and not really a comedian at all.

The Answers: What Does Impeachment Mean?

Impeachment means that important government people have brought charges of bad behavior against a member of public office. They want him/her removed from office because of the behavior but there still has to be a ruling later on so that something can happen. You can stay in office until they all make up their minds, so not a big deal honestly. In truth, it reminds me of the time when I was a senior in high school. I was put on blast by the PE teacher for sleeping on the leather couch we had in the locker room during an entire PE class and then just skipping out on school the next day. But nothing came of it, just I had to listen to some bitching. So pretty much the exact same thing that has happened to the president.

Comedy Story: The Only Reliable Reporting

Scientists at the Academy of Internets have found that the public has become "bored" with the news of mass shootings and killings in general. Today's news consumer wants a new kind of crime, something a bit more creative. "Where are all the crossbow killers? The home made improvised toaster grenades? The death by weaponized hair blower? Today's mass shooters and murderers lack innovation and creativity." This quote from Meg "The Stare" Beanbitter of Asheville, NC who is widely considered to be one of the more sketchy people in a town of literally only sketchy people.  Quite the accomplishment, to be sure. 

 

Waffle House has reported that 70% of their annual income is thanks to drunks coming into their restaurants at 3:55am, ordering 16 menu items at roughly 37 dollars total and then passing out in the bathroom before the food is ready. Waffle House plans to build cushioned, self cleaning bathroom floors in all of their restaurants in order to better accommodate these most valuable patrons. The self cleaning aspect will be performed by a robotic sex doll that can provide "lifelike oral sex" and clean up vomit with the same high level of proficiency. 

Single mothers under the age of 20 at the Institute of Decision making are finding that men are just as uninterested in supporting them as their parents were in loving them. Most of them find solace in reading poetry, learning new skills and neglecting their child's emotional and physical needs. "I mean, he's one now...so stop pooping everywhare. Gawd." This from basic bitch number 9,000 who claims to be a Christian on her Tinder profile. 

 

Those experienced in living will tell you that nothing can be learned from not trying, not caring or from listening to what a first year Philosophy student has to say. 

McDonald's has come clean about their plans to destroy health and wellness with every meal that they serve. Current CEO Chris Kempczinski released this statement "It was all for the laughs mostly. I mean, look at all these fat fucking people!! Oh yeah, besides the laughs it was for the money. The ungodly amounts of money that people will spend on fat, grease and sugar. I mean holy shit. How have they not caught on yet?" Experts believe that McDonald's can expect a 12% increase in profits this quarter in spite of the CEO's statement. This is because the statement will make them feel sad and the feeling of sad will send them right back to the drive through.