Comedy Story: The Only Reliable Reporting

Scientists at the Academy of Internets have found that the public has become "bored" with the news of mass shootings and killings in general. Today's news consumer wants a new kind of crime, something a bit more creative. "Where are all the crossbow killers? The home made improvised toaster grenades? The death by weaponized hair blower? Today's mass shooters and murderers lack innovation and creativity." This quote from Meg "The Stare" Beanbitter of Asheville, NC who is widely considered to be one of the more sketchy people in a town of literally only sketchy people.  Quite the accomplishment, to be sure. 

 

Waffle House has reported that 70% of their annual income is thanks to drunks coming into their restaurants at 3:55am, ordering 16 menu items at roughly 37 dollars total and then passing out in the bathroom before the food is ready. Waffle House plans to build cushioned, self cleaning bathroom floors in all of their restaurants in order to better accommodate these most valuable patrons. The self cleaning aspect will be performed by a robotic sex doll that can provide "lifelike oral sex" and clean up vomit with the same high level of proficiency. 

Single mothers under the age of 20 at the Institute of Decision making are finding that men are just as uninterested in supporting them as their parents were in loving them. Most of them find solace in reading poetry, learning new skills and neglecting their child's emotional and physical needs. "I mean, he's one now...so stop pooping everywhare. Gawd." This from basic bitch number 9,000 who claims to be a Christian on her Tinder profile. 

 

Those experienced in living will tell you that nothing can be learned from not trying, not caring or from listening to what a first year Philosophy student has to say. 

McDonald's has come clean about their plans to destroy health and wellness with every meal that they serve. Current CEO Chris Kempczinski released this statement "It was all for the laughs mostly. I mean, look at all these fat fucking people!! Oh yeah, besides the laughs it was for the money. The ungodly amounts of money that people will spend on fat, grease and sugar. I mean holy shit. How have they not caught on yet?" Experts believe that McDonald's can expect a 12% increase in profits this quarter in spite of the CEO's statement. This is because the statement will make them feel sad and the feeling of sad will send them right back to the drive through. 

The Answers: What Does OK Boomer Mean?

OK Boomer is a phrase that people use humorously when they hear a member of the baby boomer generation say something that is out of touch. The baby boomer generation is the generation of people born from 1946 to 1964. They are also the generation which has pretty much fucked everything up. Boomers have a super power and that is that they can live for a really long time and somehow never grow up. The picture of selfishness, their marriages never work, their businesses fold all the time, their college education was cheap and they never understand how kids today can't put themselves through college just by bagging groceries down at the old market. Never will you have to listen to a larger amount of useless advice come from a less reliable source than when you are being lectured by a boomer. The boomers are a generation where there is some wisdom to be gained from a very, very small number of their people but by and large they are a people and an opinion that you can ignore.

But then again, my advice is to never take advice.

Shot Glass Thought: Entrepreneurial Stress

The biggest problem reported among entrepreneurs is the risk of burnout, followed closely behind by self immolation. Most of these business professional profess that their endless drive is the reasoning behind their successes. However, this cannot be true as currently all cars must stop to refuel at some point. One expert recommends relaxation in the form of watching movies, spending time with friends and joining an underground sex cult as ways to blow off steam. Steam being the product of high heat and water, may lead some to wonder if perhaps cooling off is the real solution to entrepreneurial burnout. I prefer to stick my head in the freezer for a few minutes when I get too hot. 

Shot Glass Thought: Me, Generally Speaking

Generally speaking, if you have to say "Come on stop, you're better than this." to someone, then they are not. Also generally speaking, having a raving mad lunatic accost you on the side of the road for money because the government is trying to have him killed is a good way to reflect on what you've accomplished so far in life. I find that it's because when in that situation, I always feel like I'm about to die. There is no polite way to disengage the man or woman. You have to give them some version of "I'm leaving forcefully because I'm afraid of you." But you have to communicate "I'm somehow more dangerous than you, leave me alone or you won't exist much longer." All with your body language I mean. Some people have recommended to me that I just ignore the crazy and walk on like nothing has happened. But that strategy also involves turning your back on a potentially violent and certainly disconnected person. So there doesn't really seem to be a way to win. Well one strategy that might work could be...Eugenics! Yeah, I mean we don't need everybody right? Just kidding, we just need to start kicking the dangerous ones out of the shelters during the coldest nights. No need for sweeping government change, just a local policy adjustment. Keep coming back to this site because I have all the answers, it's just a matter of time before I hand them all out.

The Answers: What Does Ketosis Feel Like?

Ketosis feels like the Flu. I tried the keto diet a while back and for 2 weeks I was down right religious about it. Never cheating, no sugar, no carbs or under the required amount of carbs. I gotta say, it was totally awful. I've rarely felt worse in my life. The headaches were absurd, the sleep was shitty and the aches and pains made me feel like a complete moron for even trying the diet. There was also this strange feeling in the back of my throat the entire time that I was on the diet that made me feel like I was always about to throw up. I did throw up too! Probably 4 or 5 times in just two weeks. It was miserable. I did shed weight but I couldn't sustain the diet so I ended up gaining it back. I really just tried the diet out because I like to try new things. For example, I recently just bought a palm reading guide that I'll probably be reviewing on this site. So look forward to that expert analysis that I am known for in all literary circles. I have mentioned before that I don't care how I look. But that's not actually true, I want to look unapproachable. As long as I can sustain that, I don't much care for the other details. 

The Answers: What Do Vegans Eat?

Vegans will not consume anything that comes from an animal. No meats and no dairy stuff. They eat strange combination foods that come from laboratories that specialize in making foods that resemble a real food item. There are such things as vegan burgers, but they are a Frankensteinian stitchings of beans, various grains and probably grass. Being a vegan is an ethical choice. They are standing up for the proposed right of animals to not have to be trapped and tortured into processes that feed people. Vegans are primarily standing up for the right to free speech, as they will freely tell anyone and everyone what they believe and why everyone else should believe it too. This has the unintended consequence of pissing off people and making you the estranged weirdo of your family. As far as I can tell, there doesn't seem to be any proof to support that a vegan diet is healthy. But if you're a scientist and you're not sure where you should specialize, maybe you should enroll in the vegan monster mash food items club near your local community wellness center and public garden. I go there for the naked body painting on Thursdays. There's nothing like having a bunch of smelly hippies rub paint all in my chest hair.

The Answers: What is an Incel?

An incel is a member of an online community of young men who do not believe that they can attract women. They don't date and they are usually hostile towards sexually active men and women. Okay, these fuckers are scary. Burger King will put some real dumb dumbs in the facing the public positions. It doesn't take much to make that cut. But these guys are the ones that are so socially retarded and horrendous to deal with that they cannot be trusted to communicate with any human being. So BK and lot's of other places hide them somewhere away from the world so that they can make their pay and not disturb anyone. The name and the general concept is this in=involuntarily and cel= celibate. So incels are involuntarily celibate. This is a concept that is foreign to me and to most people I think. It sounds like something I would have thought of before my first real girl friend. In that it's immature and ridiculous. There really is somebody out there for everybody, whether you're involuntarily a cyclops or have chronic bad breath or anything else that is relatively in the same ball park. I know this to be true because the most ripped black dudes in the world date the fattest white women in existence. I see giant nerdy fat guys whose only personality traits are: has beard, will drink beer. These guys routinely have some smokin' peace of ass around. Well, maybe not always, but they do get laid. Anybody can get laid and if you are on a legendarily cold streak or you're just lazy like me, hire a prostitute! The world is a much more simple place than the incels think it is. If you wanna get laid, go get laid.