The Answers: What Do Vegans Eat?

Vegans will not consume anything that comes from an animal. No meats and no dairy stuff. They eat strange combination foods that come from laboratories that specialize in making foods that resemble a real food item. There are such things as vegan burgers, but they are a Frankensteinian stitchings of beans, various grains and probably grass. Being a vegan is an ethical choice. They are standing up for the proposed right of animals to not have to be trapped and tortured into processes that feed people. Vegans are primarily standing up for the right to free speech, as they will freely tell anyone and everyone what they believe and why everyone else should believe it too. This has the unintended consequence of pissing off people and making you the estranged weirdo of your family. As far as I can tell, there doesn't seem to be any proof to support that a vegan diet is healthy. But if you're a scientist and you're not sure where you should specialize, maybe you should enroll in the vegan monster mash food items club near your local community wellness center and public garden. I go there for the naked body painting on Thursdays. There's nothing like having a bunch of smelly hippies rub paint all in my chest hair.

The Answers: What is an Incel?

An incel is a member of an online community of young men who do not believe that they can attract women. They don't date and they are usually hostile towards sexually active men and women. Okay, these fuckers are scary. Burger King will put some real dumb dumbs in the facing the public positions. It doesn't take much to make that cut. But these guys are the ones that are so socially retarded and horrendous to deal with that they cannot be trusted to communicate with any human being. So BK and lot's of other places hide them somewhere away from the world so that they can make their pay and not disturb anyone. The name and the general concept is this in=involuntarily and cel= celibate. So incels are involuntarily celibate. This is a concept that is foreign to me and to most people I think. It sounds like something I would have thought of before my first real girl friend. In that it's immature and ridiculous. There really is somebody out there for everybody, whether you're involuntarily a cyclops or have chronic bad breath or anything else that is relatively in the same ball park. I know this to be true because the most ripped black dudes in the world date the fattest white women in existence. I see giant nerdy fat guys whose only personality traits are: has beard, will drink beer. These guys routinely have some smokin' peace of ass around. Well, maybe not always, but they do get laid. Anybody can get laid and if you are on a legendarily cold streak or you're just lazy like me, hire a prostitute! The world is a much more simple place than the incels think it is. If you wanna get laid, go get laid. 

The Answers: What Does NSFW mean?

NSFW stands for not suitable for work. It means that there will be some form of explicit Adult content featured. So, don't open any email with this in the subject line at work as it will get you into some kind of trouble. Also, maybe don't be friends with somebody creepy enough that they'll be sending you shit like this when you're at work. If they send it to you on your work email then that's on you. Why are you handing out your work email to every creep that you meet? Alternatively, if you are trying to get out of the terrible job that you currently have then do hand out your work email to every creep that you meet and open every NSFW email. You'll be fired in no time!

The Answers: What Does asmr Mean?

Asmr stands for autonomous sensory meridian response. What it feels like is a tingling sensation that starts on the scalp and then travels to the neck and upper spine. When you watch videos on YouTube with asmr in the title it means that you are wasting your life. I should make a video on YouTube about how to not waste your life. The advice I would give in it wouldn't be very helpful as I don't know how to avoid wasting your life. I just do it so naturally. Asmr stuff creeps me out, it's always awkward whispering, clicking, lisping words and other weird scrapey noises. But some people love it. I clicked one video of asmr typing noises in order to experience it for myself and now my feed is covered up in them. Thanks YouTube. Most people who love asmr recommend you wear headphones in order to get the real experience. I don't wear headphones for noises that aren't music unless it's to better listen to two blonde bimbos eating each other's muff in a low definition video. I prefer to have this experience in the handicap stall of a Wal-Mart bathroom, but that's just me. 

Jokes: 3 One(or more) Liners That Bring People Together

1. In an honesty poll, day time TV hosts, your lawyer and self help gurus were voted to be the most honest people in our lives. The only participates in the poll were the distant acquaintances that try to talk you into their latest pyramid scheme on Facebook.

2. Hypnosis is trending up right now with some cash only practitioners willing to perform the service in your own home, or pretty much anywhere. Some participants claim that they have experienced great spiritual journeys while being hypnotized. However, the police maintain that this new trend is the easiest way to get yourself raped.

3. Opening up to your family about your mental illness struggles has been voted the number one way to find out which members of your family are fucking retarded. Not surprisingly, the number one result was the child rapist preacher in your family.

Jokes: 4 One(or more) Liners For the Rebellious Elderly Crowd

1. Recently, a Russian warship was thought to be aggressively stalking a US Navy ship while out on the high seas. Turns out, the US warship planned on meeting the Russian warship for lunch but then cancelled last minute only to be seen having lunch with a Chinese warship on the same day. The Russian warship only wanted to catch up with the US Navy ship in order to "Sort things out." The US warship told us "I need my space...he can't keep freaking out like this all the time, I mean..oh my gawd." The US navy ship then rolled her eyes and told us "ttyl".

2. A man was arrested for possession of crack cocaine and was protesting his innocence by citing the fact that some people possess medical marijuana cards. Advocates from the Free the Crack movement support the man and say that it is the right of every American to ruin their life and disappoint their parents.

3. Milk consumption has been trending down in America which has led to failing of several major milk companies. More and more milk consumers are transitioning to the more authentic practice of suckling at the actual teet of cows. Supporters of the movement hope that the practice becomes mainstream as then they would be able to claim that they did it first.

4. Mindfulness continues to make headlines as a treatment for depression. However, mindfulness is the doing of nothing, while thinking about nothing. Sufferers of depression unanimously agree "We're already doing that."

The Answers: What Do I Look Like?

The simple answer, most would think, is to look in a mirror. But this doesn't always give people the right information. There are plenty of people in the world with BDD which is short for body dysmorphic disorder. You'll need to see a psychiatrist to get over that one if you have an obsessive perceived flaw with your body. If you're asking what do I look like? As in, does my appearance have similarities to other people, places or things. Well, that's a great opportunity. Maybe it's time for your own custom clothes and tattoos based on what you want to look like. A haircut similar to your favorite celebrity or some shit like that. Looks aren't all that important if you have someone that loves you. Now you could be like me, without that person. But it still doesn't matter too much because people can love almost anyone. So if you want me to tell you what you look like, well, probably fine. You probably look fine and if you don't, don't send me evidence to the contrary. I want to imagine that you're fine. Oh you think I'm hiding from the truth by not wanting to be exposed to the harsh realities of the world? Yes, I am. You nailed it. Let's all be fine or pretend like we're fine.