The first day of legal weed sales in Chicago featured a 6am starting time. "Everyone was happy and optimistic." One local said. However, some thought the waiting in the cold for weed could have been the primary reason for the multiple dead, frozen stoners on the sidewalk. "It's a risk we all take man. Like living...you never know...what could, like happen you know?" Hipsters are by and large ignoring the legal weed dispensaries because they prefer the old school way of almost getting shot, dealing with paranoia and having a relationship with the seller on a personal basis. Lisa Marken, 26 who identifies as a malfunctioning ceiling fan compared the usage of the dispensaries to the modern preference for digital music over record players that even her grandparents were tired of.
Short Funny Story: Breakthrough In Evolution Science
Major breakthroughs in evolution science from the year 2019 confirm "There were more hairy dumb dumbs than we originally thought." This quote comes from the most brilliant mind in looking for irrelevant information. Some of the ancient humans were able to have sex with homo sapiens. A process that repeats itself today every time an intelligent woman allows herself to be picked up by a meathead douche bag at the bar.
While the science of finding these kinds of breakthroughs is improving, the artist renditions of the newly discovered people continue to convey as much information as a well constructed sock puppet. Maybe in 2020 we'll have something looks like it might have been human and not yarn and paper mache.
Studies that have not nor ever will read have determined that Neanderthals were intelligent enough to bury the dead, take care of the wounded and make art. Art with the same skill and creativity that you've witnessed if you've been to one undergrad art demonstration.
Here's the link to the story that inspired this story: https://www.thevintagenews.com/2019/12/30/human-evolution/
If you enjoyed this piece then do me a favor and tweet this fresh hot take.
While the science of finding these kinds of breakthroughs is improving, the artist renditions of the newly discovered people continue to convey as much information as a well constructed sock puppet. Maybe in 2020 we'll have something looks like it might have been human and not yarn and paper mache.
Studies that have not nor ever will read have determined that Neanderthals were intelligent enough to bury the dead, take care of the wounded and make art. Art with the same skill and creativity that you've witnessed if you've been to one undergrad art demonstration.
Here's the link to the story that inspired this story: https://www.thevintagenews.com/2019/12/30/human-evolution/
If you enjoyed this piece then do me a favor and tweet this fresh hot take.
Comedy Story: 48 Year Old Beach Body Broad
There is no bigger waste of time than to click articles about famous women in bikinis. Why do these articles exist? Because motherfuckers click them. Women click them because they want to feel jealous or because they want to critique. Men click them to tease themselves I guess. But there is an endless stream of naked women within reach, visually, if you are willing and able to open your incognito browser and look for them.
This kind of almost nudity won't get most people off. That is the job of porn. These kind of articles will never stimulate you mentally. That is the job of philosophy. So what I really want to click is a porn video where a guy dressed as Socrates nails a 48 year old beach body broad in the temple of Athena. This would take place after a 40 minute exchange of dialectics. Feel free to steel that idea, perfect ideas should be realized no matter who is doing the realizing.
Usually I am immune to these stupid fucking ads. But sometimes, if it seems freaky enough, or there is the chance to see some old broad that has spent millions on not looking like an old broad, then I'll check it out. But it's more so for the freak show aspect of it than anything else. What's so bad about getting old? I don't mind going bald and having grey hair on my head and my beard. I am also pretty fat nowadays. It doesn't matter. There are women who are attracted to my lack of self concern and self awareness for that matter. So pretty much no matter how ugly you make yourself, there is a woman out there that will still dig it.
If you make comments about the appearance of others then you are almost certainly insecure about how you look. This does not include describing somebody as the fat guy or the fat chick. Sometimes those are perfectly reasonable descriptions and really no other description would suffice in that situation. In the same way that if there are 23 people in a room and only 1 of them is black, and that's the guy that you need to talk to, I will tell you to talk to the black guy. We are all way to busy to stumble over a description of the pattern of his shirt or the styling of his hair/beard. You are looking for the black guy.
Anyway, beach babes that are old enough to not have kids anymore are not interesting to me. But they are to somebody. Just like how I will never click an article about an especially large geyser explosion, the geyser explosion and the 54 year old beach babe clickers might not be clicking on my site. But I hope they do, and they are welcome too. Maybe they have tremendous insight into something I could have never imagined. Either way, we only have so much time to live so let's not waste it. Do what you like.
This kind of almost nudity won't get most people off. That is the job of porn. These kind of articles will never stimulate you mentally. That is the job of philosophy. So what I really want to click is a porn video where a guy dressed as Socrates nails a 48 year old beach body broad in the temple of Athena. This would take place after a 40 minute exchange of dialectics. Feel free to steel that idea, perfect ideas should be realized no matter who is doing the realizing.
Usually I am immune to these stupid fucking ads. But sometimes, if it seems freaky enough, or there is the chance to see some old broad that has spent millions on not looking like an old broad, then I'll check it out. But it's more so for the freak show aspect of it than anything else. What's so bad about getting old? I don't mind going bald and having grey hair on my head and my beard. I am also pretty fat nowadays. It doesn't matter. There are women who are attracted to my lack of self concern and self awareness for that matter. So pretty much no matter how ugly you make yourself, there is a woman out there that will still dig it.
If you make comments about the appearance of others then you are almost certainly insecure about how you look. This does not include describing somebody as the fat guy or the fat chick. Sometimes those are perfectly reasonable descriptions and really no other description would suffice in that situation. In the same way that if there are 23 people in a room and only 1 of them is black, and that's the guy that you need to talk to, I will tell you to talk to the black guy. We are all way to busy to stumble over a description of the pattern of his shirt or the styling of his hair/beard. You are looking for the black guy.
Anyway, beach babes that are old enough to not have kids anymore are not interesting to me. But they are to somebody. Just like how I will never click an article about an especially large geyser explosion, the geyser explosion and the 54 year old beach babe clickers might not be clicking on my site. But I hope they do, and they are welcome too. Maybe they have tremendous insight into something I could have never imagined. Either way, we only have so much time to live so let's not waste it. Do what you like.
Jokes: 5 One(or more) Liners to Make Babies Stop Crying in your Restaurant
This is actually 6 jokes because babies will never stop crying in your restaurant. We'll always wonder why in the fuck do families with babies bring them to the restaurant?
1.Paying attention is overrated. If I paid attention to every person that told me something I would be out of quarters. (Corny I know.)
2.Rumors about the white house claim that Donald Trump and actual Neo Nazi's aren't getting along. Neo Nazi's by and large wanna rule the world under the tyranny of a 4th Reich where only white people are left living. Trump states he is willing to grab any pussy, regardless of who it may belong to.
3. I don't ever need an excuse to quit if what I'm doing ...is sex. That would be because I am currently...never having sex.
4. New scientific testing has shown that high levels of THC in the blood might cause psychosis. In other news, Hilary Clinton sacrificed 3 new born babies to a wooden goat god so that she may add 3 extra years to the end of her life. One more new born and she'll be able to make yet another fruitless run at the presidency.
5. In a poll taken recently on Facebook, 88% of people would advocate the consumption of actual toxins by the people who all to frequently describe others, as toxic. The other 12%, "like totally didn't get it."
1.Paying attention is overrated. If I paid attention to every person that told me something I would be out of quarters. (Corny I know.)
2.Rumors about the white house claim that Donald Trump and actual Neo Nazi's aren't getting along. Neo Nazi's by and large wanna rule the world under the tyranny of a 4th Reich where only white people are left living. Trump states he is willing to grab any pussy, regardless of who it may belong to.
3. I don't ever need an excuse to quit if what I'm doing ...is sex. That would be because I am currently...never having sex.
4. New scientific testing has shown that high levels of THC in the blood might cause psychosis. In other news, Hilary Clinton sacrificed 3 new born babies to a wooden goat god so that she may add 3 extra years to the end of her life. One more new born and she'll be able to make yet another fruitless run at the presidency.
5. In a poll taken recently on Facebook, 88% of people would advocate the consumption of actual toxins by the people who all to frequently describe others, as toxic. The other 12%, "like totally didn't get it."
Jokes: 3 One(or more) Liners to Try on Your Friends
Mindfulness is a trick that some people practice to make them forget how shit their lives are. The same results can be achieved more efficiently ...with marijuana.
Trump could get impeached but that won't change the fact that Hairy Potter, Lord of The Rings and Star Wars are all overrated as fuck.
Searching for meaning to your life will...make you unhappy. Bears don't stress about having overslept for several months at a time. Neither do they stress about overeating for most, if not all of their lives. Bears are basically a fat, happy American. So have a burger you uptight, usually self righteous millennials.
Trump could get impeached but that won't change the fact that Hairy Potter, Lord of The Rings and Star Wars are all overrated as fuck.
Searching for meaning to your life will...make you unhappy. Bears don't stress about having overslept for several months at a time. Neither do they stress about overeating for most, if not all of their lives. Bears are basically a fat, happy American. So have a burger you uptight, usually self righteous millennials.
Shot Glass Thoughts: Human Experience is Unjust
Societies can always be improved upon. But there will never be a human world where there is perfect equality and justice. It's impossible. The society of wasps that buzz around a nest is far more in tune and equal than what humans will ever accomplish. Some of us are really competitive. Some people are born into circumstances so bad that they are unfathomable. And yet, they still find a way to become billionaires by the end of their lives. Most people that come from those same terrible conditions will die, having led unremarkable and sad lives. But that's just it. If you went far out of your way to change all of the world, you would have led a sad, unremarkable life. The people at the top are going to stay at the top because they are willing and able to do whatever it takes to stay there. I for one, only want to be a master of one thing, getting laughs. If I wanted to be a master of lording over people and piling more money than I could ever spend, then I would try to master that. But I don't want that, and very few other people really want that. The best we can hope for as far as change goes is for more people in underdeveloped countries to get the chance to live like regular people in America. That's it. Forget all the socialist wet dreams of killing the rich and feeding the poor. Anybody who will kill for money is a tyrant or a tyrant in the making.
Shot Glass Thought: Never Agree
I love to disagree. I don't care what the talk is about, I just want to make sure that me and the other person do not agree. I don't want to agree with my bosses, fellow employees, family, friends or strangers. I will not agree unless there is undeniable evidence or in the case that I really find no fault with what is being said. But in all other cases, I am looking for a way to disagree. Because most people like to be pacified. Everybody likes to be warm and welcoming and everything these days is about acceptance and caring. Fuck that. What I like is achievement and developing your most important skills. Like for me, pretty much all I work on is my bar knowledge and comedy. I practice, read and study in both and am always trying to improve. The other thing that is important to me is wisdom. But that rarely comes up in a direct way. I'm also not prone to going around trying to prove my wisdom in the same way that I work as a bartender and I write and perform comedy. Wisdom is the kind of thing that grows and develops behind the scenes. One of the things that wisdom tells me to not be liked by everyone. Don't try to be it, don't work for it, and don't agree all the time. It's not always wise to listen to what someone else says and to agree with it. Of course it's not always wise to disagree all the time. But I don't disagree all the time, I just disagree most of the time. So anyway, whatever your thoughts are on this post, hit me up in the comments and lets argue about it.
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