Shot Glass Thought: Secret Tablets in My Cocktail Shaker

What if one day while shaking a cocktail up I cease to hear any ice and drink crashing around the tins and instead hear the clinkling of a few tablets in there. When I break the tins and dump out the contents, 3 tablets fall out. Now obviously if this really happened I would be having some kind of psychotic episode and the reality would be that I had just awkwardly dumped someone's drink all over the bar. But for contemplation's sake, let's say that it really does play out like I've described. Would you take one of those pills? Would you take all of them? Would you take them all on separate occasions? Would you just show them to your manager and hope that they have some understanding? I would store the pills away and then take them all on separate occasions, come what may. I would remake the drink and send it out as quickly as possible. Just something to think about, tell me what you all would do in that situation.

Shot Glass Thought: Not Paying Attention While Driving

Of all the tasks that require your full attention, driving is probably the most important.That being said, I never pay attention while driving. It's just too boring. I could be in 5 lanes of traffic and be surrounded on all sides by mac trucks with methed out drivers and I would still be day dreaming. I don't text and drive, I don't drink and drive, I don't eat behind the wheel or fuck with my phone. I just day dream about having super powers or what the future will be like and think about pretty much anything except the road. I took one look when I was pulling out into traffic and saw that I couldn't make it. But I was so unengaged mentally that I took off anyway and then slammed on my breaks to prevent a five care pileup. I got several horns and middle fingers shined my way but I wasn't fazed. I was thinking about flying like Superman to work each day and having the ability to carry my trays of food and drink with only my mind. A psychic, superhero server/bartender that only uses his powers to make living. That is the comic book that is playing in my head when I'm behind the wheel.

Comedy Story: The Pointlessness of Greed

Greed is when you live for and are fueled by nothing more than the pursuit of extra material shit that you don't need. If you work 88 and a 1/2 hours a week and have no family and no real goals other than accumulation, then you are already losing to greed. When your fatass friend comes over uninvited and stays for fucking ever and eats most of what you have in your place, then the bastard is greedy when it comes to your time and when it comes to food. He's also a selfish bastard. You can tell him that to his face and then get yourself some new friends. Just kidding, he might have some other redeeming qualities. But I doubt it.

I fucking hate greed in myself. If you tell me that I can have some of your fries then I might take a fistful of your fries. That is fucked up. Why do I do that? It's like a power thing for me. You could have fries with no salt that haven't been deep fried long enough and I'll still hog them if you give me a chance. It's fucked up man. I will hog your squishy, under-cooked, unseasoned french fries just to symbolically communicate that I'm the man around here.

Rational self interest is the best mindset for every individual. But rational self interest does not involve something like "I want to start an evil corporation that owns the sun and only rations out sunlight to places that can pay our gigantic fee! muahahaha." Which is how big business seems to vibe most of the time. 

Not everyone wants or needs all the exact same things. Excluding things like air, water and food. I don't want to be a professor of economics. But I do want to know enough about economics that I'll be able to realize that if I have a ton of things that nobody cares about, it won't matter how cheap I acquired them. There just won't be a demand for a giant number of worthless things. That's all the depth that I need in order to go about my life. The dark web salesman that emailed me all last week almost had me convinced that I should buy his 7 tons of finger nail clippings in order to start my famous sculpture made out of....finger nail clippings. But I backed out of the deal at the last second. I thought it would be a bad idea when I remembered that I don't know how to make sculptures.

I forgive greediness in others because I know that there is plenty of evil in me. I am the kind of guy that could start the day by agreeing to volunteer at the nursing home and end the day screaming my lungs out at the volunteer next to me because he/she "Doesn't even fucking care!" Caring is not a competitive endeavor. If you go to that shit then you care more than the people that don't go. I'm just an asshole. And I never volunteer anywhere. Because I'm an asshole.

I want people to see that greed is a waste of time. A total waste unless you have a plan for all that you are acquiring. I'm not talking about a social justice cause because that shit is pointless. I mean for the wealthy to plan on owning a country. If you can accumulate more money than the third world combined then just buy the third world. If you're going to be a self destructive money crazed maniac, then go all out. Don't be a pussy and spend it all on yachts and penthouse apartments. Purchase an exploit your own impoverished country! Now that's ambition.

Shot Glass Thought: Smiles That Wrinkle Your Eyes

I love a confident woman with a smile that wrinkles her eyes. I can't stand to just appreciate it from afar, I have to always say something. Something like "Wow, what a beautiful smile. You know the only genuine smile is one that wrinkles your eyes?" To which they reply "Ugh...what are you doing in my yard?....It's 3am dude, who are you?" I think it's unfortunate that they usually ignore me after that. After all, who else could appreciate them as much as I do? I am the one that pointed out how beautiful their smile is. Without me, they would not have received an honest compliment all month. Women never give honest compliments to one another, they only give compliments with thinly veiled sarcasm. Something like "I just love the way you eat. You're so liberated and eat whatever you want all the time. So inspirational."

Shot Glass Thought: An Appreciation for Cooking

I have found that cooking can be intuition based for some people and purely the result of practice for others. For me, the result of cooking is going to sleep with an apartment that smells like it burnt to the ground. I close my eyes on those nights with a deeper, more profound appreciation for cooks as well. I haven't cooked in a while, mostly I've just been eating freezer pizza bites and drinking diet Sunkist in my apartment. Another of my favorites is the plane slice of bologna with no bread or condiment. I just love bologna on it's own. Sometimes I add a few drops of honey mustard to it. Food just doesn't mean much to me.

Short Funny Stories: I Don't Care What Your Wife Thinks

This rule of mine also applies to your girlfriend, whoever you are. I do not trust anyone. I don't care about the opinions of women or men. But I do want the input and feedback of my friends. But I do not give a mother fuck about what people close to them think. I only care about what the person that asked thinks. I might give myself third degree burns from lighting the manuscript of my book on fire. But at least I won't write another super shitty manuscript. This is the line of thinking that occurred to me when thinking about the horseshit opinions of somebody that I don't know, weighing in on my life, which they also know nothing about. 

Your significant other could have wiped the ass of Stephen Hawking every day of his miserable life but that doesn't mean that she knows a fucking thing about science. That dumb cunt might not even know anything about wiping ass. Maybe she made the old bastard terribly uncomfortable every time that she had to clean him up. If you are a man and my friend and you also happen to be a doctor. I don't want health advice from your wife that cuts hair for a living. She can put the campfire that I made out of used jizz tissue out with her own fucking body for all I care. I would still hug you at her funeral. I'd hug her in the hospital but only because she's already burnt to shit. 

I only want the input of my friends when I ask for it. I don't need your help or advice for any fucking thing unless I ask for it. Sometimes I just ask for it when I don't really need it, I'd just like to hear what you think. So don't just think that this one moment of me opening up to you is the beginning of some great, long winded dialogue. Neither of us are living all that interesting of lives. You hate your life and find your personal meaning up the cunt of some worthless broad that doubles as a roommate and a checking account vacuum. I work a regular job and take pills so that I act like a regular person. Even though they don't really work all the time and nobody is tricked into thinking otherwise. 

 I'd rather find myself actually attacked by a sentient totem pole than to listen to your idiot fucking significant other who has you by the balls/cunt ramble on about what they think that I should do or where I should go with my life. Nobody knows the struggles of the person next to them. I have worked hard to get to the regular life that I'm leading now. Relative to my more successful peers, I am a loser and a failure. I have given up on the regular life. I am not working hard to get back on track for it. Because I would rather pen a suicide note and then just abandon my current life to be a street performer in New York until the day that I froze to death. That would probably not take that long. 

You might be thinking that I'm bitter about something after you read this, but that would be inaccurate. I am bitter about everything. I am like if you made a cocktail where the base liquor is angostura bitters and then put no other ingredients in it. Just a glass of bitters served up. But dropped acid before you made this drink and now you're on the beach and the whole ocean is angostura bitters. I am that ocean. 

Shot Glass Thought: The Sound of Typing

There is nothing better than the peckity peck of my fingers on keys. I don't want a fucking recording of it that lasts 9 hours on YouTube to help me fall asleep. You know what helps me fall asleep? Turning all the electronics off in my apartment. I want total darkness, a pill prescribed to me by my doctor and one last terrifying video about some real life murderer.   

Nothing makes me sleep like a baby quite like learning about yet another heinous, violent destructive person. There are more of those monsters out there. I like revisiting that truth right before I lay my mind and soul to rest. I don't know why but it really relaxes me. I guess if I am murdered by some sick fuck it won't be as scary as it normally would, because I've got all that midnight preparation for the moment. 

So why do people watch TV shows? I fucking hate TV, let alone shows. But I'm also the kind of guy that devotes an entire post to the sound of typing. The post isn't even really about the sound of typing though so it's almost entirely bullshit. But it did give me a chance to listen to the sound of typing again.