Comedy Story: I Worked At The Spa

I worked with some incredibly sensitive pussies over at a place that I will just refer to as the spa. What was super ironic about this palace of pussies was that there were a lot of people there that told me I needed to toughen up. I think anyone who works at a Spa for a long time is automatically not tough. You massage people for a living. There is no room for toughness in your life when your days include smearing random creams on wrinkly old men.

Why would you ever practice massage at a company when you can do it at your house? You can't fuck your hot clients if you work for a corporation. I mean metaphorically you can fuck them, but only by over charging for your crappy services. If I had a massage therapy license it would be for the sole purpose of massaging women that I intended to have sex with. If my endless wit, charm and technical body rubbing skills don't do the trick, then a cash transaction surely will.

The people working at the spa were so emotionally immature that they could cry over almost anything. The pettiness was legendary. Everyone had hurt feelings and everybody felt like there was a need to have support for one another when there was actually nothing stressful going on. It was one of the weakest environments that I've ever been a part of and I am not tough. But I won't take shit off of most people. There was this one fake tough broad that was giving me hell everyday. She also reapplied her makeup 17 times everyday. So finally I proclaimed “Even with all that makeup you still look like Frankenstein's bride.”

Pretty silly on my part but I still laugh when I think about it. Mostly I laugh because I recall her pathetic, crumbling, tough bitch act. There are definitely women who would not have taken that off of me. But those women are hard working and respectful and I would never feel compelled to say it to them. So there ya go, real toughness does not equal being a bitch. This has been mansplaining for the day and I did it with my legs thoroughly manspreaded.

I tried carpentry for three weeks and quit because I am terrified of heights. You wouldn't believe how high up you can be without a harness and still have to tolerate rednecks yelling at you to hurry it up. But the culture of severe emotional immaturity was almost the same between the two places honestly. There was a bunch of insecure people always telling each other that they needed to grow up and be more tough. Or maybe they only said that to me, either way I don't care because I have alcohol.

I don't do the whole stand up to whats wrong at the workplace and call out the bad stuff in hopes that it will all change for the better. I just move myself to my next gig and don't worry about what went down one little bit. Or at least that's what I used to do. Now I have a good job that I really enjoy so hopefully I'll keep at it for a good long time. If I end up being the weird old guy working with young folks that never got a promotion and doesn't want one, then I won't mind so much. After all, I still have alcohol.

Every sissy at the spa made me feel like I was carved out of granite and hand forged by Zeus in a fusion powered rocket steel mill. I don't know how steel is made or where it comes from. But I do know that Zeus loved to bone his favorite human women. That's public education for you.

All of the guy massage therapists were so insecure about their masculinity that any perceived slight would make them pretend to be aggressive. I say pretend because if you're a male massage therapist there's no way that you kick ass. You're the kind of bitch ass guy that ultra alpha, closet lesbian UFC fighters date. They squeeze your nuts and fist your ass. This is the only way they will have sex with you. You have to jerk off later with bruised nuts and only when she gives you permission because you're such a bitch. Now if you practice MMA and work as a massage therapist, maybe you are badass. Don't know or care, because I have alcohol.

At the Spa apparently everyone lifted weights, worked out and watched what they ate. They must have all had big bones and poor genetics because the place was full of lazy fat fucks. As I've previously written, I am an old bald fat guy at age 26. But at least I'm able to acknowledge the fact. Everyone at this workplace knew deep down that they were not on a diet or working out but still wanted to try and pretend like they were. This is a useless practice and something that should vanish from humanity altogether.

Think of all the time you waste on bullshit when you could just do what you really want to do. If you want to be a fitness freak then devote some of each day to it until you are that. If you love cannonballing into swimming pools and emptying them out then keep your fat ass in line at the cheesecake factory.

I quit the Spa via no call, no show. My departure coincided with an extremely busy time for them. It was also a time when they were going to be really understaffed and they needed everyone including me. I am sorry about the way that I left. My mind was racked with suicidal thoughts and I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. I didn't need a new job so much as I needed to start taking anti-depressants. But now I take them and I have a job that I love. So life is much better for now. So maybe they made it okay or maybe they didn't either way I have...... a lot more to live for than just boozing my life away. But, maybe next weekend?

Click here if you have a hobby that you want to turn into a business: https://e8b2fa0bng3qzbv8xafqmnbo9p.hop.clickbank.net/

Click here if you're in love and you want an amazing song to help you celebrate it:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B4DQd3gemRg&list=RDB4DQd3gemRg&start_radio=1

Click here if you would like to watch the best movie of all time on the best console of this generation on the best TV that money can buy:

Comedy Story: Kids Are Precious

Kids are precious and on average are worth more than most adult human lives. We should have more people killed on death row so that we can afford to raise more babies that are otherwise aborted. Can statistics prove that these two demographics are related? I don't know but I know that one doesn't get a chance and the other one blew their chance. I mean even if you are innocent and the system was against you and you only got brought down by an association with someone else who was evil, why did you hang out with that person to begin with? Your downfall could have been avoided if you had a. gotten obsessed with some trade or kind of work that isn't illegal and b. didn't hang out with dumbfucks.

Dumbfucks are the only people that you know? Well then move! After you have moved and have work, then go to school. Alternatively, go to the library. It is public, free and full of books which means that smart people will be in there taking advantage of all the free information. If you are correct in your pronouncement that you are not a dumbfuck, then you will get along really well with everyone there. Not everyone in school is smart but it's a better place to look for smart friends than the chow hall in prison.

So that was quite the tangent. Anyway kids are great and don't let anyone tell you differently. Yes they are annoying to encounter in movie theaters and in restaurants. But they are still awesome. You have not seen joy until you make a child happy. And it doesn't take much, you can show them an image of your dog, take them to see the dog and there you go, a happy kid. Once you've experienced this fulfillment you will never again say “I hate kids” at work. You'll have to prove how edgy you are by skateboarding to work with eyeliner on or something like that. Put a Slipknot sticker on your briefcase you fucking puts.

Kids are the future adults. I know I'm not the first person to point that out but it is still true. If you are into investing and whether or not you think you are, you still are. Some of you spend your money on bullshit and say “Yea I'm just having fun you know?” But really you are investing in bullshit and calling it fun as a coping mechanism. Yes I can pretend to be your therapist if you are willing to pay. I can also help you draw up a budget that you won't follow.

Nobody will ever give you a hug that means more than the ones you get from kids and the elderly. Nobody is more uninhibited and honest about their intentions than young children and the elderly. If a granny want to kiss your cheek and hug your neck then it's because she really does love you. It also means that she still loves even though she has been through all the many hells of getting old. If a guy your age dresses up as a granny and wants to kiss your cheek and hug your neck, then it's because he is a rapist and you should run away. See, now don't you appreciate granny more after thinking about that?

If you think this mountain of evidence here is proof that I want children of my own then you are incorrect. I will not want children of my own until I can supply them with a good standard of living. In order to raise a family while working my current job, I would need to work 24/7 and would never get to see them. What would be the point? If I am to be a father, I do not want to be the one from Cat's in the Cradle. I would rather explain to my kids why I am the same age as the other kid's grandparents instead of explaining to them why our shared life is so fucked up. “Oh that's easy, I was really selfish and didn't give much thought to your existence and just kept on screwing your mom without a condom. Bada bing, bada boom unplanned pregnancy.” Timing is everything. I'll be a dad one day, when it's the right time.

Click here if you have a hobby that you would like to turn into a business:https://e8b2fa0bng3qzbv8xafqmnbo9p.hop.clickbank.net/

Click here if you'd like to hear my all time favorite song:https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=3&v=jPJNt1eTVNY

Click here if you would like to watch the best movie of all time on the best console of this generation on the best TV that money can buy:

Comedy Story: For Some, Lingerie Is Pointless

For some of you lingerie is not going to do a damn thing except sexify how fat you are. Lingerie is sexy on sexy people. If every size fits you like it's about to rip under your extreme girth, then that's how it looks too. Lingerie fits on people, not small, fat based planets. Just save your money and spend it on something else. And spend your time on going to the gym if you want to be sexy.

No everyone is not beautiful. At my very best weight I was still an ugly, hairy skinny guy. Now I'm an ugly, hairy fat guy. I don't expect anyone to think that I am anything other than what I am. I am however changing my diet and working out more often. Taking things one small step at a time so that I can be an ugly, hairy skinny guy again.

If you're not that good looking don't think that lingerie will save it. That's like expecting one accountant to do all the financial reports for the entirety of Wall street. The guy would be spread too thin and wouldn't get close to actually completing all of his work. That lonely depressed and probable future alcoholic is the fat ladies' lingerie.

Actually lingerie will help if you already have someone who thinks you're really sexy. They will like it on you because having sex with what feels like a waterbed made entirely out of mulched triple Baconaters, fries and 15 pounds of mayonnaise is their thing. But don't expect the rest of the civilized world to appreciate your scantily clad, rolling mountains of flab the way that your sick fuck at home does.

The amount of alcohol it would take to make any self-respecting guy to be able to fuck the whole ham in a lacey onesie would just kill the guy. The blind won't want to fuck you because they'll still feel what you feel like. Which is all of the lard that goes into the deep fryer when it gets to high heat.

The way full time chubbs live is selfish, irresponsible and sad. Take better care of yourself. It's fucking ridiculous to expect everyone to change their standards for what beauty is just to accommodate a large group of very large people. No, you should change. I don't have to accept anything and I will not be told how to think. Being fat as fuck will kill you. What the real American house blobs actually need is Fat related death acceptance.

Don't think for one second that I hate the bigguns'. I want them to realize the danger they are in and value their life more than they currently do. The way out of almost anything is to just change a little bit one day at a time, that's not asking too much right? Just don't ask me and the rest of the world to say that you're sexy when we know that you're not. Don't be about fat acceptance, be about self love and improvement.

I'm not a doctor so you don't have to take my word for it when I say being huge is unhealthy. But it's pretty easy to find plenty of evidence to support my wild allegations. In simplest terms, fat people fail the eye test. Look at a nude, morbidly obese person. When the person looks like they might clog a black hole in space if dropped in one, then they are too big. 

Click here if you have a hobby that you would like to turn into a business: https://e8b2fa0bng3qzbv8xafqmnbo9p.hop.clickbank.net/ 

Click here if it's a rainy day where you live too: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sySlY1XKlhM 

Click here if you would like to watch the best movie of all time on the best console of this generation on the best TV that money can buy:

Comedy Story: My Most Brave Moment

Bravery is something that we all come into contact with at some point. Whether because we have done something brave or have seen someone do something brave, yada yada yada. I've never been more brave than when I shaved my balls with the trembling hands of an unforgiving hangover.

I'm such a fucking idiot when I drink. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I want to destroy myself? Why didn't I stop binging booze and just have a couple glasses of water and go to bed instead? All of these are questions that I do not have the time to ask myself as I spew into the toilet like Godzilla shooting lava breath into the mouth of the Muto in Godzilla 2014. Except I'm a gagging, gasping little bitch who is definitely waking up my neighbors with all the loud ass puking. We have really thin walls at my place.

I will be drunk at some point every year until I die. Probably multiple times per year and I don't mind that. Alcohol will always be in my life most likely. I can do my best to be a good person but that doesn't mean that I'll be able to quit alcohol altogether at any point. I've started learning Bible verses to try and improve myself. To make myself into a better person. While I do believe that it has helped me to reduce my drinking, I don't think I'll be preaching anytime soon. Comedy and Church are both places where people who want to feel better meet as a group to listen to a speaker. One happens in the morning and the other happens at night. There are plenty of drunks and drug addicts at both. Just saying, they fairly similar set ups.

For me, drinking alcohol is like doing a line of coke and then getting sucked off by a hooker while you're wearing a VR headset that blasts your brain with endorphins and convinces you that it's multiple pornstars making you nut and not some skinny meth-head broad that graduated high school three years ahead of you. In other words, I love it and I often regret it. I haven't seen Marlene the meth head since Thursday. She left abruptly to go find alien life in the woods with her friend Ricky. I'm starting to get worried.

Anyway, back to the booze. I'm getting close my heart when I tell you that drinking excessively lead to the single bravest moment of my short life. With an incredible 2-3 hours of puking behind me and only the sleep that I got from passing out for short breaks in between, I was able to shave my balls without nicking them once in spite of my trembling hands and wrecked brain.

I think it's important to mention that I was not desperately risking my manhood just for the sake of sex. Marlene doesn't mind a bit of bush. She doesn't mind much of anything in all honesty. In fact, no sex was to be had for a long while at that time, and most times. I saw my hairy balls when looking down after getting up from puking and I could tell that they were needing a bit of manscaping.

Right then and there was not the optimal time to take on the challenge, but I knew that a challenge was exactly what I needed in order to rebound mentally from the devastating night that I had just experienced. So the razor that I use on my face as well came out and the nads got smooth. So I'll never stop having hangovers altogether because they inspire me to be brave. The alcohol binge before the hangover makes me feel invincible but the hangover forces me to be brave. So my liver looks like a giant yellow raisin, who cares? Try to name one good thing that doesn't have some kind of downside.

Click here if you have a hobby that you would like to turn into a business:https://e8b2fa0bng3qzbv8xafqmnbo9p.hop.clickbank.net/

Click here if you are in the mood for something classic:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fzSskwpLiWY

Click here if you would like to watch the best movie of all time on the best console of this generation on the best TV that money can buy:

Comedy Story: Horror Films are the Best Films

Horror is the best genre in fiction and if you disagree then we definitely have beef. If you can't stomach horror or being scared but you still love fiction then that's perfectly fine. As long as you acknowledge that you are a giant flabby pussy.

I can't stand the fucking nerds that dress up like Wizards and go to festivals with like-minded man child's. Are you trying to be the maximum level of embarrassing for your parents? If so you're knocking it out of the park. Most parents would prefer drug addict children over a 35 year old computer repair guy that is a wizard in his spare time.

Everybody is into something, and not everyone will be into horror. But if you refuse to watch it then it is because you are afraid. You're afraid of being afraid and future philosophers will describe you in a way that none of us will understand, but they'll definitely be calling you a pussy.

Horror is the only genre that can make your defense instincts come alive. Horror can follow you from the theater to your house and keep you from sleeping. Are you going to try and tell me that watching Will Smith's God awful version of the genie in that terrible Aladdin remake that you went to with your loser friends impacted you at all? Don't try to tell me that because I know it's bullshit. Watching stuff like that Aladdin movie is how you run out the clock on your own life. Mindless entertainment that is actually just the same shit that you've already seen but you're too afraid to move on to something else. Your parents wouldn't let you watch horror movies as a kid because you weren't ready. Now you insist on not watching them because you still think of yourself as a baby even though you masturbate to horrific torture porn. You sick fuck.

The scariest thing about scary movies is that you haven't seen one before. Our fear is never greater than it is in the time before experience. Virgins are afraid of having sex, sober people are afraid of their first drink and a lot have people are afraid of being scared. But there is a whole world of art to experience and enjoy. Many of the most brilliant filmmakers make horror films. So if you love movies why limit yourself? For the same reason that you rode your bicycle with training wheels until you were 17,  you're a pussy.

Let me give the computer repair Wizards out there some credit. You do a lot of things that I cannot do and that I would be afraid to attempt. I pretty much cannot tolerate fixing anything let alone something as complex as a computer. And I would be terribly embarrassed to go out in public dressed as a wizard. Even if I loved it, I wouldn't do it out of fear. So kudos for that. Your opinion on movies doesn't count however, because you refuse to watch one of if not the most important genre. I've watched you're stupid fucking Disney remakes and the boring-ass Lord of the Rings movies. I've seen all the highly overrated Star Wars series. So now it's time for you to sit down and Marathon The Shining, Silence of the Lambs, and Psycho. Until then you should bib yourself before every meal and stock your cupboards with applesauce and smashed carrots because you are still a baby. Except you're 35 years old, so you're a pussy.

Click here if you have a hobby that you would like to turn into a business: https://e8b2fa0bng3qzbv8xafqmnbo9p.hop.clickbank.net/

Click here if you don't want her anymore: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y1mkSm00kXM

Click here if you would like to watch the best movie of all time on the best console of this generation on the best TV that money can buy:

Comedy Story: Old Fat Bald Guy

I used to be fit, and fitness used to matter a great deal to me. I was certain that I would be a basketball or soccer star. I'd even have settled for a late blooming boxing world champion. But none of that happened. You can be fit and not let Fitness matter when you are young but I was never like that. I worked out and cared about what I was eating. That was until I learned how to get laid.

Getting laid the first time didn't ruin everything. It was the subsequent 36 other random sad drunken liaisons that ended my dedication to my body. Why did I go to such an excess? Well why did I used to smoke pot till I had panic attacks? Why do I still give myself alcohol poisoning every 6 months or so? Because I have no self control and psychoactive substances turn me into a tornado of poor life decisions. Once I felt used up and the girls seemed used up too I started dunking cheeseburgers and cheesecake in my mouth with the ferocity of a young Shaquille O'Neal on the court and a current Shaquille O'Neal at the buffet.

Definitely did not help that I started losing my hair and going gray at a very young age. How am I supposed to care about slimming down again if I'll still just be looking like I get lame ass ties from my 3 kids every father's day? Maybe next year you could spring for a new briefcase ya little shits. The buckles are breaking off of this one......I don't have any kids. Or a wife.... Or a briefcase...moving on.

It's hard for me to work out because I can't run anymore. Due to a long list of injuries, my ankles provide about as much stability as a rickety old wooden bridge trying to hold up a break dancer mid routine above an endless ravine. Yes I went for that rhyme and I'm not ashamed of it. I have as much shame for my rhyme as I do when I make my third trip to the buffet, exactly zero shame.

I am in pain most days because of my ankles. The rest of the time I'm in pain because I've run out of herpes medicine. I'm old looking, old acting and I'm even mostly into old music. I like black and white movies and Dean Martin in anything. I don't read the newspaper, own a typewriter or listen to records so I'm still not a hipster pretending to be your grandfather reincarnated. Your grandfather isn't dead? Well give it some time. I'm just a guy who is old, bald and fat at the age of 26.

If I'm totally honest, I don't want to run anymore, anyway. The ankles aren't so much of a problem that I couldn't be more active, I just don't want to be more active. I don't want to eat and drink really healthily. I want to be run-of-the-mill in my diet, Fitness, and sex life. I want to have the laziest and most lackadaisical sex in history with my partner. She has to mirror me in this regard. I don't want to feel guilty for having some angel fuck my brains out while I basically just watch her like an impartial onlooker.

The only thing I want to be good at is telling jokes. So with that in mind I could probably do for even less walking and a little more pizza and beer. Being able to date supermodels is really hard and expensive. It's much easier to date a chick that consumes plenty of pizza and beer. And also much easier to just jack off to pictures of supermodels when my pizza and beer buddy is not around. Or maybe when she is, who knows if she'll care or not. I'm thinking probably not.

Click here if you have a hobby that you would like to turn into a business: https://e8b2fa0bng3qzbv8xafqmnbo9p.hop.clickbank.net/

Click here if you want a good drinking song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XsHxmLYsBa0

Click here if you would like to watch the best movie of all time on the best console of this generation on the best TV that money can buy: