The Answers: How to Stop Slurping Your Drink

This is a pretty simple how-to. First, you're going to have to make sure that you're not a total piece of shit. Audibly slurping a drink is a move that only the least considerate and moronic among us do. Opening your mouth and dumping drink and/or soup down the whole in your face is more than enough to put you in a position to swallow. There is no need to suck wind like a sentient, vengeful vacuum that hates the dust because it's moved in to the living room to take all the great living room jobs.

Nobody feels like they can tell you that you slurp your drink because it's so fucking obvious that it seems redundant and insulting to you to have to point it out. Make no mistake, you are the problem. This is the sort of behavior that incredibly selfish people put on. The kind that will try to make everyone else sick when they are sick. The kind that will insist on talking about every little aspect of their life with other people in order to vent. We don't wanna hear it!

Although, I am guilty of talking about personal stuff at work. Work is such a mundane and tiresome thing that I have to talk about personal shit or I'll just be so bored I won't be able to stand it. Not stuff like "I fucking hate my dad. UGH! Everything in my life that is bad is his fault!!" More along the lines of reflecting on stories from my past that were funny, crazy, traumatic in some way. The bottom line is that the stories have to be interesting and if they aren't, and I realize that at some point in the story then I'll just say the ending and admit that it was a dumb story. This keeps the flow of the work day conversation going.

The same motherfuckers that are slurping their drinks/soup are the same motherfuckers that well tell a story like this: "I was catching up with a friend of mine that I knew for three years in high school. He and I used to go to the Taco Bell and eat...tacos. I called him the other day and asked him how he's doing and he said that now they've got a Pizza Hut out there. Ain't that something." NO, it's fucking not!

Jokes: A Stressed Out News Breakdown

Here are some hot and fresh jokes to keep this week of woe and doom somewhat manageable. Try to ignore your petty manager and keep on keeping on!

1. Angry blow up doll explodes under pressure.

2. Protester want police to stop posting wanted images on social media because it is a form of "Public humiliation and bullying." Police chief Chad Lengwall commented that there will be no change in police policy because the comments, which he personally monitors are "pretty fucking hilarious."

3. FDA to remove allergy warning from labels as a population control measure.

4. Some critics of the various major news outlets have criticized the lack of media coverage that the Harvey Weinstein trial is getting. Meanwhile, the Harvey Weinstein trial is proving once and for all that nobody wants to hear about a fat disgusting old rapist.

5. According to reports on my personal Facebook feed, all of China has died to the coronavirus.

6. Viral marketing campaigns are pushing fake cures for the coronavirus that actually spread it according to Panic News Network.

7. The science of climate change has had a couple new names proposed for it. There are some that support the name "Global flood prevention" and others that prefer the name "Building a wetter doomsday."

Jokes: Why do we Think Differently About Funny?

Here are my jokes of the day! Hope you get a big belly laugh from these and share them with your friends. Cheers!

One frustrated parent psychologist recommends being a better parent by being more mindful...of the fact that you are raising a little shit and a future menace to society.

One archaeologist believes there is evidence to suggest that the last Neanderthals died while running for their lives from a group of capitalist cavemen who wanted to talk them into corporate life. 

Flights to China are being cancelled en masse due to the presence of the coronavirus. Also experiencing cancellations are the virgin islands and Tokyo. Some believe it's because experienced lovers do not prefer virgins as they are a bit clumsy and fumbling in bed and Tokyo because it's waters are home to Godzilla.

Desperate individuals fighting over Popeye's chicken make the strongest case for eugenics.

Traumatic brain injury found to be the number one way to develop a new personality.

10-12 years of study on any topic has been found to be a waste of a life unless it makes your rich. -your parents.

Judge ruled that the court case where a Tennessee man smoked pot in front of her was "pretty chill."

Shot Glass Thought: How to Hate What You're Doing

First of all, get a job. If you're young enough that you've never had a job then you will need one. Jobs help you to decide what repetitive misery you can stand without wanting to die. You will have a lot of jobs until you find something that you can actually stand. When that day comes, you'll be ready for the rest of this post. Step 1 after the prerequisite of having a job or a couple jobs is to make a list of all the good and bad things about your job. Then burn all the good things. This is not the space for positivity. We are going to be terrorizing our fellow employees with constant reminders of how miserable we are. If we can't notice a discernible drop in workplace morale every time we make a round through the workplace then we are not succeeding in our mission.

 Is there anyone that you like to work with at this job? Visit them 3 times a day and talk at length about how miserable you are. Make sure to revisit topics that you've already talked about. Even if you remember discussing them already, talk about them again. Leave your work friend quietly frustrated at the end of every talk. When it comes time to complain in meetings, never say a word. We don't want real change to take place. We just want to make everyone miserable. If you follow these techniques you'll go from job to job always making the place worse. The next level of nightmare that you can make yourself into is to be really good at your job. When you are actually good at what you're doing but you make everyone miserable, there will be some companies out there that will want you. They don't mind having a miserable, near suicidal workplace as long as the bottom lines are met.

So just keep doing everything that I've described here and you'll be set. There is no way that you won't hate what you're doing if you act the way I've described.

Shot Glass Thought: How to Pig Out on Macaroni

My preferred steps are thus: buy a large box of macaroni at the store. Store the macaroni away until bad news is received. Sometimes this can happen right away or it may take a few days but there will be bad news. Put the noodles in boiling water until they feel edible. Don't be a dumbfuck about this step or you'll burn yourself. Now strain the water out of the noodles. Put the noodles back in the pan that you boiled them in. Drop the strange glob of room temperature, never expiring cheese into the pan and stir it until it's macaroni. Next, remember the bad news and forget your diet and health aspirations and eat all of the macaroni in one sitting. Have an unhealthy drink like a soda and a cookie-based dessert for maximum depression.

Jokes: Where do Humans Begin?

Rigid adherence to feminist norms will result in a clueless bitch.

Rigid adherence to masculine norms will produce a dangerous acting, closeted homosexual/rapist.

The astronomers that reported the giant fuzzy blob that was allegedly heading right for the Earth apologized today saying that "The lens on the telescope was foggy. Tim breathes his raunchy Taco Bell breath all over the thing. I'm surprised it still works to be honest." Doners to the scientific institution want to know if some of their funding will go to providing Tic-Tacs for Tim.

American archaeologists' plan for uncovering more of the Earth's secrets? Interviewing extra terrestrials and the elderly, who might have been around to see most of it happen.

OJ Simpson's highly anticipated new book debuted this weekend. "How to Love Yourself" is a story about self forgiveness for all men who have committed murder in a fit of rage.

Jokes: Interesting Conversation Topics for Groups

Stress of surgery too much, doctors calling for more cold blooded serial killers to enter medical school.

Edgy 20 year old self proclaimed psychopath found dead at the hands of a local man who "had heard enough."

Local teachers are suffering from higher levels of stress. Some cite the fact that it just dawned on them that they will never be able to eat enough cake to compensate for dealing with screaming children all day. But that won't stop them from trying.

Jessica Simpson opens up about opening up, her never ending struggle with admitting personal shit to reporters.

Fans of a recently overdosed and dead rapper morn the lack of relevance of their own petty drug addictions.