First of all, get a job. If you're young enough that you've never had a job then you will need one. Jobs help you to decide what repetitive misery you can stand without wanting to die. You will have a lot of jobs until you find something that you can actually stand. When that day comes, you'll be ready for the rest of this post. Step 1 after the prerequisite of having a job or a couple jobs is to make a list of all the good and bad things about your job. Then burn all the good things. This is not the space for positivity. We are going to be terrorizing our fellow employees with constant reminders of how miserable we are. If we can't notice a discernible drop in workplace morale every time we make a round through the workplace then we are not succeeding in our mission.
Is there anyone that you like to work with at this job? Visit them 3 times a day and talk at length about how miserable you are. Make sure to revisit topics that you've already talked about. Even if you remember discussing them already, talk about them again. Leave your work friend quietly frustrated at the end of every talk. When it comes time to complain in meetings, never say a word. We don't want real change to take place. We just want to make everyone miserable. If you follow these techniques you'll go from job to job always making the place worse. The next level of nightmare that you can make yourself into is to be really good at your job. When you are actually good at what you're doing but you make everyone miserable, there will be some companies out there that will want you. They don't mind having a miserable, near suicidal workplace as long as the bottom lines are met.
So just keep doing everything that I've described here and you'll be set. There is no way that you won't hate what you're doing if you act the way I've described.
Shot Glass Thought: How to Pig Out on Macaroni
My preferred steps are thus: buy a large box of macaroni at the store. Store the macaroni away until bad news is received. Sometimes this can happen right away or it may take a few days but there will be bad news. Put the noodles in boiling water until they feel edible. Don't be a dumbfuck about this step or you'll burn yourself. Now strain the water out of the noodles. Put the noodles back in the pan that you boiled them in. Drop the strange glob of room temperature, never expiring cheese into the pan and stir it until it's macaroni. Next, remember the bad news and forget your diet and health aspirations and eat all of the macaroni in one sitting. Have an unhealthy drink like a soda and a cookie-based dessert for maximum depression.
Jokes: Where do Humans Begin?
Rigid adherence to feminist norms will result in a clueless bitch.
Rigid adherence to masculine norms will produce a dangerous acting, closeted homosexual/rapist.
The astronomers that reported the giant fuzzy blob that was allegedly heading right for the Earth apologized today saying that "The lens on the telescope was foggy. Tim breathes his raunchy Taco Bell breath all over the thing. I'm surprised it still works to be honest." Doners to the scientific institution want to know if some of their funding will go to providing Tic-Tacs for Tim.
American archaeologists' plan for uncovering more of the Earth's secrets? Interviewing extra terrestrials and the elderly, who might have been around to see most of it happen.
OJ Simpson's highly anticipated new book debuted this weekend. "How to Love Yourself" is a story about self forgiveness for all men who have committed murder in a fit of rage.
Rigid adherence to masculine norms will produce a dangerous acting, closeted homosexual/rapist.
The astronomers that reported the giant fuzzy blob that was allegedly heading right for the Earth apologized today saying that "The lens on the telescope was foggy. Tim breathes his raunchy Taco Bell breath all over the thing. I'm surprised it still works to be honest." Doners to the scientific institution want to know if some of their funding will go to providing Tic-Tacs for Tim.
American archaeologists' plan for uncovering more of the Earth's secrets? Interviewing extra terrestrials and the elderly, who might have been around to see most of it happen.
OJ Simpson's highly anticipated new book debuted this weekend. "How to Love Yourself" is a story about self forgiveness for all men who have committed murder in a fit of rage.
Jokes: Interesting Conversation Topics for Groups
Stress of surgery too much, doctors calling for more cold blooded serial killers to enter medical school.
Edgy 20 year old self proclaimed psychopath found dead at the hands of a local man who "had heard enough."
Local teachers are suffering from higher levels of stress. Some cite the fact that it just dawned on them that they will never be able to eat enough cake to compensate for dealing with screaming children all day. But that won't stop them from trying.
Jessica Simpson opens up about opening up, her never ending struggle with admitting personal shit to reporters.
Fans of a recently overdosed and dead rapper morn the lack of relevance of their own petty drug addictions.
Edgy 20 year old self proclaimed psychopath found dead at the hands of a local man who "had heard enough."
Local teachers are suffering from higher levels of stress. Some cite the fact that it just dawned on them that they will never be able to eat enough cake to compensate for dealing with screaming children all day. But that won't stop them from trying.
Jessica Simpson opens up about opening up, her never ending struggle with admitting personal shit to reporters.
Fans of a recently overdosed and dead rapper morn the lack of relevance of their own petty drug addictions.
Jokes: 7 Headlines That Work For You
1. To reduce stress and while working from home, some experts recommend distracting yourself with a miserable day job.
2. Insane mother smothers children with pillows, claims it was affection.
3. At least 30 human bones have been found in a pond near the home of a serial killer. Some fish from the pond are saying that the serial killer never even asked permission to dump the bones.
4. Round the clock news leaves some clocks feeling clockstrophobic.
5. Shark bites are making hands free swimming available for divers from all backgrounds.
6. New York lawmakers are warming to the idea of pot legalization upon realizing that pot revenue will far exceed prison revenue.
7. Devoted married man still battling for the right to marry his doting blow up doll.
2. Insane mother smothers children with pillows, claims it was affection.
3. At least 30 human bones have been found in a pond near the home of a serial killer. Some fish from the pond are saying that the serial killer never even asked permission to dump the bones.
4. Round the clock news leaves some clocks feeling clockstrophobic.
5. Shark bites are making hands free swimming available for divers from all backgrounds.
6. New York lawmakers are warming to the idea of pot legalization upon realizing that pot revenue will far exceed prison revenue.
7. Devoted married man still battling for the right to marry his doting blow up doll.
Jokes: WW3 Cancelled Due to Shitstorm Concerns
1. Scientologists are desperately searching for meaning in a belief system penned by a fiction author.
2. Elon Musk will soon become the smartest man in the world as he has decided to pay himself 55 billion dollars.
3. Researchers at the Institute of Self-Imposed Boredom were able to conclude from their studies of tourist behavior at trinket shops that people will indeed, stand in line for anything.
4. "Psychedelics can improve mental health." This from my unemployed neighbor, aged 35 who finger paints.
5. Singer Lizzo was turning heads on the red carpet recently. She wore a tight, black leather dress that proved once and for all that dressing like a chode in a small black condom can make the news.
6. Fat burning yoga routines have succeeded in making many women look like really flexible cows.
7. Being stressed at work has been voted the number 1 way to remember that you are at work.
8. "Perfect meditation requires a perfect meditation space." Says the lead researcher at the Institute of Sitting on Your Ass.
9. Out of touch baby boomer blames loss of finger tips.
2. Elon Musk will soon become the smartest man in the world as he has decided to pay himself 55 billion dollars.
3. Researchers at the Institute of Self-Imposed Boredom were able to conclude from their studies of tourist behavior at trinket shops that people will indeed, stand in line for anything.
4. "Psychedelics can improve mental health." This from my unemployed neighbor, aged 35 who finger paints.
5. Singer Lizzo was turning heads on the red carpet recently. She wore a tight, black leather dress that proved once and for all that dressing like a chode in a small black condom can make the news.
6. Fat burning yoga routines have succeeded in making many women look like really flexible cows.
7. Being stressed at work has been voted the number 1 way to remember that you are at work.
8. "Perfect meditation requires a perfect meditation space." Says the lead researcher at the Institute of Sitting on Your Ass.
9. Out of touch baby boomer blames loss of finger tips.
Short Funny Story: I Don't Want to Work for the Power Company
I am sure there are people out there that do, very much so want to work for the power company. I am positive that there are people who would find dealing with tools, wires, cables, drills, hammers and geometric manipulation software shit to be...electrifying.There are plenty of people who are capable of and willing to work for the power company. This is a highly sought after job. The baby boomer who keeps coming around and telling me that I, comedy writer and bartender extraordinaire should work for the power company can stick all of the power companies in America up his ass.
I don't know how many times I have to communicate that I already love what I do. What I do is wake up, jack off, eat a snack, jack off again, message a broad on Tinder, schedule a new blog post, answer an email, take a nap, write half of the next blog post and then go to work where I sexually harass my middle aged dish washer named Bill. I don't need to change and I don't want a wife and kids and benefits and all that shit. I have health insurance and a good job that pays well and keeps me happy. Why on Earth would I change from that?
Because this guy who should be proud of me and care that I don't care to hear his advice, is not proud of me. When it comes to the reasonable request of "I love what I do, please leave me alone." He becomes completely deaf. Family, the people that you should always have your back, in reality, do not. Sometimes they will take the shirt and skin off your back but they will only rarely protect said back. This is why family, a unit that you should seemingly never ignore, is precisely the people that you should ignore when it comes to your life. The same extends to friends, buddies, acquaintances, customers and whatever category you place church family in. I put them in the irrelevant category. As it pertains to how you live your life, you are the only important person. God is a deity, so that doesn't count in this instance because it's implied that deity always wins.
I am the only important person, not the game show host on TV that I am pretty sure is trying to send me coded messages. The email scammer that just wants me for my money and doesn't have any intention of sending me 55 million dollars no matter how many times I pay his advance fee of 300 bucks. I'm not being selfish here, I'm being practical. I can't help the whole world or even my family and friends to be honest. But I can help myself. Asking any more of someone than that is selfish.
I don't know how many times I have to communicate that I already love what I do. What I do is wake up, jack off, eat a snack, jack off again, message a broad on Tinder, schedule a new blog post, answer an email, take a nap, write half of the next blog post and then go to work where I sexually harass my middle aged dish washer named Bill. I don't need to change and I don't want a wife and kids and benefits and all that shit. I have health insurance and a good job that pays well and keeps me happy. Why on Earth would I change from that?
Because this guy who should be proud of me and care that I don't care to hear his advice, is not proud of me. When it comes to the reasonable request of "I love what I do, please leave me alone." He becomes completely deaf. Family, the people that you should always have your back, in reality, do not. Sometimes they will take the shirt and skin off your back but they will only rarely protect said back. This is why family, a unit that you should seemingly never ignore, is precisely the people that you should ignore when it comes to your life. The same extends to friends, buddies, acquaintances, customers and whatever category you place church family in. I put them in the irrelevant category. As it pertains to how you live your life, you are the only important person. God is a deity, so that doesn't count in this instance because it's implied that deity always wins.
I am the only important person, not the game show host on TV that I am pretty sure is trying to send me coded messages. The email scammer that just wants me for my money and doesn't have any intention of sending me 55 million dollars no matter how many times I pay his advance fee of 300 bucks. I'm not being selfish here, I'm being practical. I can't help the whole world or even my family and friends to be honest. But I can help myself. Asking any more of someone than that is selfish.
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