It means that you are on the internet watching cat videos far too often. Since cat's are lazy, cute and vicious killers, dreaming about one could also mean that you having been dealing with a woman. If you dream of a cat and mouse sleeping together it means that are letting the woman in your life get too close and in about 6 months time you be begging for an annulment. If your dream is about beating a cat, then you are sexually frustrated. This tidbit comes to us from the storied psychological halls of rap music in the form of "I beat the pussy up". You may know the phrase from the highly commendable collaboration between LoveRance and 50 Cent.
If you dream about a screaming cat then perhaps you are a sleep walker and you have accidentally stepped on the tail of your kitty. If you are a pregnant mother dreaming of a screaming cat then it is a reminder that your pussy will be screaming when you hatch your baby. Dreaming about being bitten by a cat can symbolize that cats are disloyal little shits and can turn violent toward you after only a few pets. This most important truth should never waiver from your mind when dealing with cats. They are treacherous little crazies that lure you in with cuteness and send you away with scratch marks.
If you dream about a talking cat, but realize that you aren't dreaming, then you have taken LSD and your name is Alice. If you dream of multiple cats surrounding you it means that you are a pimp and the hoes are out to get you. Dreaming about a giant cat cuddling with you after a long journey through the woods means that you have a fanciful imagination and now you have to go back to the drudgery of every day life.
Jokes: 7 Headlines to Put Your Mind to Rest
1. Iran's supreme leader Al Khamenei praises the missile strikes on US soldiers claiming that they were the hand of God. Only 11 US soldiers were wounded by the attacks and none were killed. Khamenei must not be familiar with the Old Testament God. His hand flooded the whole planet and also nuked the ancient version of Las Vegas.
2. Amy Klobuchar claims that some Republicans would be willing to testify against Trump in his impeachment trial. She cites the president's internal affairs policy of "No pussy left ungrabbed" as the primary motivator.
3. Wal-Mart had to apologize recently because they made a joke about the untimely death of celebrity Paul Walker who perished in a huge fiery crash several years ago. Some people were really offended by the joke saying that it was cruel. However, they should all take heart as my neighbor who is a certified expert on celebrity deaths claims that Walker is still alive and is partying in Brazil with Tupac and Biggie Smalls.
4. Recent archaeological discoveries have unveiled proof that Neanderthals had strong enough teeth to be able to consume a variety of different nuts. A discovery that surely proves, once and for all, that becoming an archaeologist is the perfect way to waste your life.
5. Contemporary historians claim to have found photographic evidence that the world was once almost entirely without color.
6. In a world where it's considered news to see an almost naked celebrity on the beach, witness the drama of one man's internet journey. Jeff Murmo, of Indiana documented himself clicking every link that he came across for an entire month in the new documentary series Of Mouse and Man. Coming soon to Netflix.
7. Police are investigating the destruction of a milk truck outside of Andrews, NC. What looks like a routine exploded milk truck might be the work of an organized terrorist group composed entirely of cows. The Milkistan Mooer's Party is the name given by one captured representative of the group.
2. Amy Klobuchar claims that some Republicans would be willing to testify against Trump in his impeachment trial. She cites the president's internal affairs policy of "No pussy left ungrabbed" as the primary motivator.
3. Wal-Mart had to apologize recently because they made a joke about the untimely death of celebrity Paul Walker who perished in a huge fiery crash several years ago. Some people were really offended by the joke saying that it was cruel. However, they should all take heart as my neighbor who is a certified expert on celebrity deaths claims that Walker is still alive and is partying in Brazil with Tupac and Biggie Smalls.
4. Recent archaeological discoveries have unveiled proof that Neanderthals had strong enough teeth to be able to consume a variety of different nuts. A discovery that surely proves, once and for all, that becoming an archaeologist is the perfect way to waste your life.
5. Contemporary historians claim to have found photographic evidence that the world was once almost entirely without color.
6. In a world where it's considered news to see an almost naked celebrity on the beach, witness the drama of one man's internet journey. Jeff Murmo, of Indiana documented himself clicking every link that he came across for an entire month in the new documentary series Of Mouse and Man. Coming soon to Netflix.
7. Police are investigating the destruction of a milk truck outside of Andrews, NC. What looks like a routine exploded milk truck might be the work of an organized terrorist group composed entirely of cows. The Milkistan Mooer's Party is the name given by one captured representative of the group.
Jokes: 3 World Changing Headlines
1. In an effort to increase sales and therefore opportunities for girl scouts to even greater heights, girl scout cookies will now be sold with marijuana gummies and pot brownies. Girl Scouts of America is moving to hire as many former marijuana dealing ex-cons as possible for consultation services.
2. 100% of doe eyed, cocky, basic bitch college sluts at some point will decide to be teachers. 99% of them will become waitresses, bartenders and the hotter ones, pole dancers.
3. American politicians today en masse admitted that the whole thing is a charade in order to get elected and to get power. That none of them really care about the American public or any kind of public for that matter. "We would just assume eat the babies as to kiss them in front of a camera." - Joe Biden, former Vice President.
The Answers: How to Cut Your Own Hair
Here's how I, famous and fabulously rich comedy genius, Austin, cut my own hair. I take the clipper that I use on my beard and ball beard and I put a limiter on it so that I can trim the hair on my head. When I have to move to the back of my head, I take my phone out and turn it's selfie camera on and then point it at the mirror. I turn my back and then trim the back of my head and neck while looking at my phone screen. This is a most advanced technique and not something that everyone should try. The hair will fall onto the floor. So it's best to have a broom and dustpan if you have hardwood floors and a vacuum if your shit is carpet.
The technique I have thus outlined is a technique for men and very butch women. If you want to cut your hair as a woman and you don't want to look like a professional female boxer, then you'll first want to develop some very serious emotional traumas pertaining to your father. Next, you're going to want to turn to sex, drugs and attention seeking in order to fill that void. When you realize your life is firmly off the rails, go ahead and publicly decry the system that has made you into a sniveling, miserable little shit. Then, in a fit of madness start hacking your hair out with scissors and chef knives. Eventually, when you half way come to your senses you'll just do what I outlined in the first paragraph of this post.
There you have it! Two perfect ways to get one thing done. One for man and one for woman. The content on this blog is just getting better and better. Almost brings a tear to my eye.
The technique I have thus outlined is a technique for men and very butch women. If you want to cut your hair as a woman and you don't want to look like a professional female boxer, then you'll first want to develop some very serious emotional traumas pertaining to your father. Next, you're going to want to turn to sex, drugs and attention seeking in order to fill that void. When you realize your life is firmly off the rails, go ahead and publicly decry the system that has made you into a sniveling, miserable little shit. Then, in a fit of madness start hacking your hair out with scissors and chef knives. Eventually, when you half way come to your senses you'll just do what I outlined in the first paragraph of this post.
There you have it! Two perfect ways to get one thing done. One for man and one for woman. The content on this blog is just getting better and better. Almost brings a tear to my eye.
The Answers: How Do I Follow Blogs?
Really the only blog in existence that you should follow is mine. This one, the one that you're on. It's perfect in every way. It's funny and it gives real world, practical advice such as "Stay away from eugenicists", "Don't make the Nazi's mad" and "Never take advice." So the way to subscribe to this most perfect of blogs is to look to the right of the page on my home page. Then scroll down till you see the total page views number. There will be a subscribe button there. You can use this button and the services affiliated with it to subscribe to my blog. Alternatively, you can scroll to the bottom of my home page and subscribe via email. I recommend this method as email has been around long enough that I trust it as a service. I am paranoid about Facebook and social media in general. But I'm also paranoid in general. But you already knew that didn't you? Didn't you!! That's it, I'm locking my doors and turning out the lights. No posts till the end of next month!
The following of a WordPress blog is similar. There will be some form of a subscribe button or follow button somewhere on the blog's homepage. Sometimes you will be prompted to subscribe before you have even read the content that you have clicked on. Which kind of defeats the purpose of writing the content. Because I might have gone looking for your follow button if you let me read the content that I wanted to read. But you fucking interrupted me on my way with your fucking prompt. Now I'll never know if Nazi's built a hideaway in Antarctica that they used to launch themselves into space. All because you couldn't wait one fucking second to tell me to subscribe so that you can flood my inbox with opportunities to spend money on your shit. I want to do well too you know. I can't just buy whatever you email me. I need to have a savings account worse than I need a promotional new business opportunity that I'll have to pay to join for some reason.
So there you go, all the answers you could possibly dream of for this topic. Since I have so expertly and eloquently written this post I am sure that all who read it will then subscribe to experience more of my flawless writing. For that I am eternally grateful that you all will be eternally grateful to have my writing sent straight to your inbox.
Jokes: 4 One(or more) Liners to Enliven Your Long Abandoned Loins
1. A dire need has arisen in rural North Carolina to reduce the deer population due to overpopulation and the infuriating tendency to dodge bullets at the last moment when you think you've got them. This statement comes from expert local hunter Brian Lavender who has been a devout supporter of deer population control after unsuccessful hunting trips.
2. Trade deal proposals have been faltering between the US and China. Many experts believe that the deals aren't actually making it to China as the Wi-fi has been speculated to be down in the trade deal office. Trade deal official Kenny Birkin will update us once Rick, the tech guy has had a chance to look at the router and possibly reset it.
3. "Today is the day we make peace!" This from the minister of war in the country of Botsnovia. "The war with Ti-Liangula in the east has gone on long enough." Experts believe that this great change of heart has come from the minister's recent discovery of his astrological sign. His reading for today was "be the sunshine that you want to bathe in."
4. Stephen Gaghan, the director of the new Dolittle is on the receiving end of some speculation that he might be a secret double agent working for a rival movie making company. This after he created the new Dr. Dolittle, a movie so bad that it "may destroy our entire company." This quote comes from the CEO of Universal Pictures, Ronald Meyer.
2. Trade deal proposals have been faltering between the US and China. Many experts believe that the deals aren't actually making it to China as the Wi-fi has been speculated to be down in the trade deal office. Trade deal official Kenny Birkin will update us once Rick, the tech guy has had a chance to look at the router and possibly reset it.
3. "Today is the day we make peace!" This from the minister of war in the country of Botsnovia. "The war with Ti-Liangula in the east has gone on long enough." Experts believe that this great change of heart has come from the minister's recent discovery of his astrological sign. His reading for today was "be the sunshine that you want to bathe in."
4. Stephen Gaghan, the director of the new Dolittle is on the receiving end of some speculation that he might be a secret double agent working for a rival movie making company. This after he created the new Dr. Dolittle, a movie so bad that it "may destroy our entire company." This quote comes from the CEO of Universal Pictures, Ronald Meyer.
The Answers: How to Smoke Cracker Sized Bologna
This is a post about how to smoke crack. Code names are important in the underground. Oh wait, you really wanna know about smoking bologna? Okay sure, I think I can cover that. You're going to need a smoker. So you can have your own smoker for like 55 usd. How they work is that you pack the lower rack with wood chips and then light them on fire...I think. You put the bologna on the upper rack and then close the hatch...I think. You can also slice up the bologna into small little cracker sized shapes before you smoke them...yeah, I'm pretty sure about that part. To be honest, I've never used a smoker before. I don't own a smoker, nor will I ever. I do buy a good deal of bologna. I love it on whole wheat bread with olive oil mayo and creamy horseradish. So damn good. I bet it would be even better if the bologna was smoked, so somebody should really make a YouTube video on that. Actually, seems like this dude knows how, so check him out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EXqmpPk5IRk.
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