Short Funny Story: Independent Kids, Uninterested Parents

A couple in Laredo Texas weren't paying attention when their toddler drowned in the bathtub. I think if you are the kind of people that think that a toddler can safely bath himself, then you must also believe we have secret lizard people aliens running the government. I say all that to say, you are fucking crazy.  

Toddlers cannot be trusted to eat soft foods unsupervised. Kids that young cannot safely play with toys on their own. Even though it's fun to play with, you might have a kid that wants to know what it would be like to eat his favorite action figure. Bada bing bada boom you have a trip to the emergency room on your hands. 

When the couple found that the kid was dead they decided to dissolve his remains in a rubber tub full of acid for later disposal. I tell ya, back when I was that age I thought time out and spankings were pretty bad. Never knew that dissolving in a vat of acid was a possibility. Anyway the dad ratted out the mom and the OTHER 4 KIDS have been taken to child services. How the fuck did these incompetent fucks manage to keep 4 other kids alive? The article said that the other 4 kids are ages 1 to 11 but that doesn't mean that they don't all have careers already. If your parents are as uninvolved as these parents were then you are probably a really independent kid. The oldest is probably a tax preparer and a damn good one too.

Short Funny Story: Pretty Much the Greatest Job Ever

There is a company out there in the world today that wants to pay people 3000 dollars a month to smoke and review marijuana. This is the type of good news that should eradicate the perspective of the atheist. For if such a job can exist, then there must really be a God.

All you have to do is smoke, eat edibles and then critique and blog about what the experience was like. This is the sort of thing that plenty of stoners have been doing all their life anyway. So the level of expertise in this field is going to be top tier in no time. 

The only downside is that you have to live somewhere where weed is legal in order to work for these folks. But if you don't live somewhere where it is legal, then you are certainly living somewhere where you can get weed...sketchily. So go out on the town and risk your life by conversing with all manner of creepy, dark weirdos and find yourself an armed street merchant who will hook you up. He'll also fucking kill you if you double cross him...but those are just his words, not mine. Then take your weed home and try it out, do all the stuff that the job wants you to do, then when you move to a place where it's legal, you'll already have a portfolio. Easy Peasy

Click here to check the website out: https://americanmarijuana.org/cannabis-dream-job/

Shot Glass Thought: Australian Scientists Saving the World

Australian scientists have found a more efficient and effective way to turn plastic trash into reusable fuel. I have already tried running my car on melted milk jugs. I will admit that I probably left out some of the more important steps in the process. But I fully support the project and hope that it comes to America and all over the world. These are the kind of people that I want to become billionaires. If you prolong the exist of a healthy Earth...then you get to be a billionaire. That should be our planet wide incentive for inventors and scientists.

Shot Glass Thought: One More Reason

Recently, Syracuse University has had a bunch of racist shit going down. There has been racist graffiti all over the place and apparently a white supremacist manifesto has been distributed in secret all about the campus. This is just one more reason why you should never..ever.. go to college. Nowadays the most ignorance and evil you can find among young people is there! So just join your local gang, Bloods, Crips, or MS-13 and make a difference in your community instead.

Comedy Story: Visualization and Happiness Link

It seems like every time a neuroscientist decides to get rich they just put out some kind of Law of Attraction bullshit. I don't give a fuck how interesting the micro machines in my brain say that my imagination is. I don't care if you find it physiologically, psychologically and philosophically pleasing to pretend to smile until you really are happy. That is fucking stupid. I don't want to be happy that badly. I don't want to pretend anything unless I really am acting. I want to do exactly how I do and change nothing. 

I want people to realize that it's not the changes that you make to yourself that make you. It's the improvements and mastery level of your skills that make you. What can you contribute? If you are thinking about, working on or otherwise fucking with something other than your skills, then you are wasting your time. Stop trying to think that there is just some kind of fix all ideology that if you follow it just right you will live successfully. NO! Okay that's enough text yelling. What I'm getting at is that whatever it is that you want to do, you should be practicing that thing and working out all the ins and outs of that thing.

If you start working on your thing and you never stop, then by God you'll get pretty good at it just so long as you aren't killed before you get the chance. Men, don't waste your time on women and women, don't waste your time on men. Be gay. Just kidding, love whoever you want. But don't worry about finding and securing that love unless you have already mastered something. The skills that you can offer the world, the mastery that you have obtained will provide a good living for you. There are no poorly paid masters in the world. I'm not referring to a college degree there either. Once you are a master of whatever you chose, you will be paid. Once you are paid then you can be in love and build a family and whatever the fuck else you want.

I've typed all this shit just to say, stop fucking up your life. Start the road to mastery today and don't fuck with love tips, sex advice articles or self help books. Figure out what you love and master it.

Comedy Story: Leroy and Earl Save Church (Special)

"Earl, how many shots you got left?" 

The situation was dire. Leroy knew that, he knew that this might be a one way trip for him. But he wasn't quite ready to die yet. So many whiskeys left to try. Plenty girls left out there for him to go out with. Only question these days was where do we go out to? 

"Got ugh... 8 between ma pistol and the shotty." Earl conveyed this information with his standard confused look. What didn't confuse this man? Leroy wandered. 

"Good, we need to conserve them as best we can. Earl.. I ugh...well you see...this might be the end and I just wanted to say that...." 

ERRAHHHHH!!! A spine tingling screech ripped through the night air and Leroy knew mortal terror. Earl in the meantime stared blankly at Leroy until he asked

"You were ugh...saying something weren't ya there Leroy?" 

"Yeah I was just saying...well whatever man, let's get a move on." 

It had been a cold hard 5 years after the nuclear zombie bombs from Tanzania were dropped all over the world. Apparently there had been some confusion about which controller was controlling the release of nuclear zombie bombs and which one was the controller for the virtual reality video games that the prime minister spent most of his working hours on. And thus, humanity is destroyed by the biggest, ragiest rage quit of all time. But that was then, Leroy and Earl had to think about how they would rescue miss Marcy's two kids from the abandoned mine shaft. A mine shaft that Leroy and Earl had been luring zombies into with rotted meat and then shoving them down the highest drops in the mine. 

"Was a good plan, our little setup here? Weren't it a good plan to trick the zombies and shove em' down the shaft? Sorry miss Marcy, didn't figure your brats would wanna get down in there and play with the things." Earl muttered to nobody in particular. They had made it into the mine and were following the ceiling lights that Earl was able to get working on a prior mission. 

"It was a good plan Earl, errh ahhh!!" Leroy lost his footing and tumbled further down the mine shaft than he had ever been before. He frantically rummaged around the on the floor for his flashlight. The darkness hugged him like an aunt with abandonment issues. 

"Shit shit shit! What the fuck, oh what the shit!" Leroy hissed to himself 

"Don't have a shit hissy thar buddy. I got more than one flashlight packed." Earl joined Leroy with two working flashlights in tow. 

"You jackass! We only have two flashlights in the first place! You took mine." Leroy snatched the flashlight away from a bewildered Earl.

"Well.. weren't it a good thing that I ACCIDENTALLY, and I do mean ACCIDENTALLY took your flashlight? Seeing as how you took a mighty hard tumble down this here mine shaft? Coulda broke the other flashlight all to shit. Then we'd had to huddle together and be two shivering idiots down here. The kids mighta had to of rescued us." 

"Whatever, thanks for packing the flashlights. Let's get a move on, this could turn really bad, really fast. "

 Earl nodded and motioned forward with his flashlight and gun pointing the way. He moved the way Navy Seals in movies do. Only exception being that Navy Seals in movies don't run out of breath and weeze loudly after a few minutes of brisk walking. 

"Could you keep it down! You sound like the big bad wolf over there." Leroy hissed at Earl who responded 

"Shit...I don't even....know why I have to be....here...they ain't my kids....anyhow. Why my kids wouldn't ever fall down a zombie filled....mine shaft....They'd know better....little shits are always...piping up in church....I'd gettem learned on...that too....need a good ass blistering...that's all..." 

"Okay let's take a break. You need to catch your breath and we haven't seen or hear-" 

ZZZZZZPSCHHH BEEP BEEP BEEP 

"Ah what the shit. Ello this is Earl, whatya need?" It was Earl's radio picking up from halfway to the center of the Earth somehow. The sudden noise had almost ended Leroy. He wondered how much more his nerves could take. 

"Oh Merla called? How's she doing? Is her boy the one they put in charge of the communal vegetable garden back in the spring? Yeah...yeah...boy couldn't grow a damn thang I tell ya." 

"Do we have time for this Earl?" Leroy could never understand the limitless enjoyment that Earl could derive from his mundane chats with his wife. Even though the world had ended, Earl still had plenty of bullshit to complain about with his wife. If you listened in on their pillow talk you'd probably wonder if they weren't zombies to begin with. 

"Just a minute Leroy. Now did I hear that correct, you said that school teacher don't believe in God no more? You figure it's the unbearable hopelessness that might set in when somebody has nothing to live for but they gotta keep on living anyhow? Yeah well...could be I reckon....yeah...yep.... is that right?...they did what?....well praise the Lord honey....well.....yep.....I figure as much....nah the hemorrhoids hadn't acted up on me in a while....well it sure was sweet of you to think about me honey. I'll ring ya back when I get on out of here with my three screaming kiddies."  

Uproarious laughter could be heard over the radio from Earl's wife. Earl got in a few good hearty chuckles too. 

"Hey I gotta go now honey bun. Love you too, bye bye. Hey sorry buddy, I just knew she'd get a kick out of that." 

"Indeed. Well let's move alo-"

ERRAHHHHH!!! "AHHH NO! DON'T COME ANY CLOSER!" This time the howl of the dead was accompanied by the screams of the kids. 

"Come on they must be close!" Leroy and Earl took off sprinting towards the noise. Leroy could feel deep down that this was the moment he had been waiting for all of his life. He would rescue the kids! He would save the day and be the hero that a his underwhelming life had prepared him to be! Just then the floor gave way and Leroy and Earl tumbled into a sealed away room. When they had dusted themselves off a bit they could see that it must have been some kind of storage room. 

"Shiiiieeet far. I ugh...uuuummmphhh! I've gone and thrown out my back Leroy. We have shit and fell back in it now brother." 

"No kidding." Leroy scanned the room, looking for an exit. There was the way they came in and a door that would lead them to God only knows where.  

"We should work together to climb out of here." 

"You don't...Oh Lordie...wanna go out the...door?" Earl asked. 

"We don't know where the door could lea-" Just then a WHAM WHAM WHAM at the door jolted the men.  

"Leroy...less a miracle takes place...I won't be climbing it'all. We gotta shoot whatever is on the other end of that door and find ourselves a way up from there. Less you plan on leaving me to die." 

Leroy's mind raced, he did consider leaving Earl to die. I mean, he was so irritatingly dull. But no he couldn't do that. 

WHAM WHAM WHAM 

Leroy panicked even harder. What could he do? He had to shoot. He had to shoot! But he couldn't shoot just once, he had to let loose and empty every shell in his shotgun.  

WHAM WHAM WHAM 

These zombies wouldn't know what hit them. 

"Eat....LEAD!!!" Leroy screamed as he closed his eyes and blazed away at the door with his pump shotgun. 

"DIE DIE DIE!!!" Leroy lost himself in the moment of his final stand. His adrenaline pumped, his chest filled with courage. Maybe he would die today but he would not go quietly into that goodnight! And then, just as quickly as the melee had begun it was over.  As the smoke cleared, Earl had this to say. 

"Good grief Leroy...you done saved the zombies and shot the kids." 

All down the hallway it was plain to see. Miss Marcy's two little rats had been at the door and only now had the zombies down the hallway taken notice of them.  

"Welp...my backs feeling a sight better." As if miraculously cured, Earl shuffled back out of the room and held his hand out for Leroy to pull himself out as well. 

"Hurry up man we gotta git!" 

"Yes of course, right away."  

Leroy and Earl easily outpaced the lumbering dead to the exit of the mine shaft. It was on their way to the trail back to their camp that Earl began. 

"What happened backair...I ain't gonna say a word about it buddy. Couldn't a known or done any better. If it woulda been them zombies at the door...you woulda sure gave em' hell wouldn't ya?....I mean...why didn't the boys say anything?...Never could gettem to shut up in church...It was more like they wanted to git shot you know'd it?" 

" Yeah...I suppose." 

"Yeah well...way I figure it, we just leave out the blasting you gave'em and leave it at zombie food. We got down in the mine shaft and it was too late. The boys was already zombie food. There don't need to be no mention of you mincing em' up like baby food for the zombies...just zombie food. Don't ya figure that oughta be our story Leroy?" 

"Yeah...I reckon so..Earl...thanks man." 

"Hey no problem buddy, it weren't no great loss for anybody...guess it's a pretty big lo-" 

"For the mother?" 

"Yeah..shit...reckon so......EAT LEAD!!!" Earl proceeded to make his hand into a gun and went about the trail pretending to waste an entire army of invisible zombies. Leroy wasn't happy but he was grateful to be alive. He was grateful for his friend Earl. He was also grateful that he wouldn't have to listen to those little shits running wild through the entire church service anymore. 

Mass Effect Xbox 360 (2007)

This game is a modern day classic and the all important starting point for the Mass Effect trilogy. Playing through it today, it's pretty archaic and boring at times. But that's on all the stuff that is outside of the main missions, side objectives and character interaction. All of that is brilliant in this game. The story is fun and introduces you to the incredible world of galaxy hopping and future reaper destroying.

This version of the game has quite a bit of slowdown at times. I have never had a crash, but I've seen plenty of slowdown and odd visual glitches. Playing the game on it's hardest difficulty is pretty much mathematically impossible. You just don't do enough damage points to make it practical. So that kind of stinks as I like when the difficulty is geared more towards the skill level of the player and not just numbers.

Saren is a worthy bad guy and worth the trouble of chasing across the galaxy to destroy. The mission on Illos will stand out in most player's minds. The final battle is pretty memorable too, even if it is a bit clunky at times. The combat could be described as clunky by and large. But it's still fun if you're patient and a big fan of the series already. The changes they made to the combat from 1 to 2 and then 2 to 3 were incredible. That's not to say that commanding your squad in this game isn't fun. But it does play at a much slower pace. The difference between 1 and three is so great that I would not blame someone for thinking they weren't from the same series.

Overall, this game was well worth revisiting for probably the 5th or 6th time. I love the Mass Effect series. Just remember that if you decide to revisit one and create a new character, you will have to destroy Saren, the Collectors and the Reapers all over again. So do it..that's what I'm saying. It will be great!