I think if I were going to study and correct the effects of back pain, I would be researching and testing on the members of the professional wrestling community. I don't think they would mind giving consent for testing as they seem to already have a "Who gives a fuck dude?? Woohoo!!" kind of attitude. I don't care how fake people say it is, I can see with my own two eyes that gigantic men are lifting other gigantic men and gigantic objects at times. My back hurt when I did landscaping and that was mostly just lifting a weed eater. Not a gigantic one either. Like a bush hog attached to a winy little engine and a stick to hang onto. My back was hurting pretty bad when I was doing construction work and the stuff that we were lifting around wasn't too all heavy. My fingers hurt pretty bad from clanging them with the hammer because I missed the nail every other swing. None of what we lifted was the size of another human being. I don't want to tell doctors and back pain researchers how to do their jobs, but I'm pretty fucking great at having ideas, so just think about it I guess.
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Comedy Story: I Am the Guy Who Sings at Work
I am that jackass who loves the sound of his own voice so much that he sings at work and no I am not sorry. I think that I got so good at it because I once signed up for singing lessons but when I went to the venue all they had me do was chant spells. They said it was a warm up exercise but a group of priests barged in and started throwing holy water everywhere so I dipped out.
First of all, everyone knows that they want to hear me sing. I sing like Michael Phelps swims. My vibrato is as epic as Tiger Wood's putting and infidelity records. His infidelity is way more interesting and inspiring to me than any of his other accomplishments. I mean anyone can gold, but what is life like when your batting average is apparently 100%? I mean it must be pretty good.
Everyone loves beautiful music, and that is what effortlessly springs forward from my soul. If I were a chick singing the way that I do at work, then there would be some creep in the kitchen who would memorize every possible route in town to my apartment after having one conversation. A conversation where he would mostly be looking at my tits. Because if I were a chick I'd be a bad bitch dude.
Work can sometimes have terrible music playing, I can cure that by singing louder than what is playing. I'm always having to raise my voice in order to talk over the voices in my head, so why not extend that ability to my work companions?
My voice brings me closer to all the people that I work with, and everyone wants to be around me, so it's for the best that I sing. Without me, morale could dip dangerously low. When you hear me sing it's like that moment when you finally find the Facebook profile of the girl you bumped into while getting coffee. You spent the next 4 hours refreshing her page every 10 seconds and you don't regret a second of it because she's that amazing. That's my voice in a nutshell.
Tell you truth, I would stop singing at work if someone asked me to, but they never have and likely never will. Because it's fucking flawless and everybody except haters and the deaf can hear that.
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Shot Glass Thought: Honey Mustard and Your Wife
So chicken nuggets, tenders and even a whole leg or breast can be dipped in honey mustard. Honey mustard is delicious and this fact cannot be refuted. But chicken biscuits, those crackers that come in a blue box with chickens on it are not honey mustard material. Yes my favorite snacks are all stuff that your grandparents ate. I also eat those Laura Lynn Orange Slices that don't really have a taste beyond hint of orange and squishy sugar chunk. It's deceptive because you'd think if all these other chicken products work well with honey mustard, then surely chicken crackers will too. But honey mustard is your girl after she becomes your wife, thicc. Some brands of honey mustard are thicc like your wife after she becomes a mother, fat. Only differences are that you can steal eat fat honey mustard and it's still sweet. Neither can be said about your wife.
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Video Game Review: My Love will go on for Red Steel Wii (2006)
This is first person shooting and sword fighting game. That's enough of a sell for me right out of the gate. I played this game when it came out way back in ye good olden year of 2006. I only recently beat it because I like to put things off in a major way. Actually, I didn't beat it all those years ago because I thought that it was terrible and I didn't want to play it anymore. Now, in 2019 and in 2020 I've revisited the game twice and I can honestly say, I love it.
This is by no means a perfect game. Your aiming dot will sometimes just fly out of control no matter how steady your hands are. By sometimes, I mean there is a constant flickering and jankiness to the aiming. The flickering and jankiness can be compounded by the dot flying totally out of control. You can expect this to happen a few times when you're activating the slow motion shooting power. This is because you have to hold down the A button and then lurch the controller forward like you're trying to stab a ghost.
My hands shake like I need a drink, because I need a drink. Though I wouldn't recommend drinking while you play this game, you could get really frustrated and break something valuable in your place. Controllers learn to fly much easier when there is some alcohol fueled rage in the room with you. Yes I might be disassociating from the booze rage I get after 7 consecutive deaths to a highly pixelated samurai lady. I'm not gonna tell you directly of my booze rage situation, but it may have happened over at my friend's apartment who happened to be revisiting this game around the same time.
Sometimes the sword fighting controls will feel perfect and sometimes they will ignore you the way most women ignore me after our first conversation. Something about sending a lady 8 straight one-liners about my penis that sends them running in the opposite direction. I thought people loved hearing about my penis? Anyway, the sword mechanics in the game. Sometimes you can sneak up on an enemy and whip the nunchuck at them for a stealth sword kill. The kill part of the equation work pretty reliably but the stealth part doesn't. As your character winds up for the kill, the bad guy usually turns around and shoots you at least once. That kind of blows, but it doesn't ruin the experience.
The 1v1 sword battles are just plain rad. I know a lot of people hate them because they make no logical sense. Scott, the main character is a gun expert. Why on Earth would he swap to a sword and battle it out with some fools instead of gunning them down on the spot? Because this is a video game! Scott knows that we need these sword battles whether we want them to make sense or not. So he delivers.
The sword combo moves can be somewhat difficult to pull off at first, but I found them to work consistently after a good bit of practice. Regular sword fighting enemies are usually fast or heavy hitters. You have to dodge and counter the heavy hitters and you have to parry the fast hitters. Sometimes they will swap styles in the middle of the fight. Even so, once you get the hang of it, they are not that hard to handle.
The sword fighting boss fights are tense and challenging. Specifically the one with the babe that you see sitting on Scott's lap in the loading screen. She swaps styles and you have to lower her aggression meter or something like that, I don't know I wasn't really paying attention to that part. You parry, dodge and unleash combos to win, just like every other game. This tough babe is in the geisha mission and fighting her is probably one of the highlights of the game. So if you play the game, look forward to that mission.
So, like I said, the asian sword hotty is on Scott's lap in every load screen. Does that loading screen imply that we boned her off camera and cheated on our fiance that we are trying to rescue? If that's the case then why was that scene cut from the game? As a total creep, I would have loved to have observed a bit of pixelated junk bumping. Plus the lady is Asian and I think we all know that they have blurry genitals anyway, so, no need for censorship. Real missed opportunity there.
When I first saw that loading screen I thought it meant that we would befriend her and then turn over a few buddy cop missions. Maybe they had something like this in the game but had to cut it later on. It would have been so cool to get to work alongside her to stealthfully take out unsuspecting enemies like a couple of ninja lovers. Then at the end of the game you have to decide if you want to make your lifu about your sword waifu or go back to plane Jane damsel in distress. I'm 100% in the marry plane Jane and then cheat on her with sword waifu third category.
The final sword boss fight sets up a twist ending that you could probably see coming. But it's still fun anyway. I'm not sure that it really counts as a twist ending, but it does go against your expectations, so it's pretty good in that way. Like I've said before, you don't make your way through this murky, pixelated shoot and slash fest for the riveting story and deep symbolism. You don't even play this game to learn more about a culture. Well, maybe they had some kind of consultant for that stuff but I really doubt it. Most of the time the voice acting sounds like an offensive impersonation of an Asian person. That's not a dig against the voice actors if they really do sound like that, but it does at times make me laugh just listening to the dialogue.
The technology of the Wii was brand spanking new when this game was made. So it is pretty janky control wise. The graphics are pretty bad and the story is pretty dumb. But you shouldn't come into a game like this expecting cinematic brilliance and cutting edge realism. You should be in the mood to make the bad guys go boom-boom and to whip the controller around your apartment in a virtual sword fight. I got way too into one fight and slightly strained my left bicep. I told everyone at work that I did it at the gym but I think they can tell that I don't go to the gym.
The fight where I strained my left bicep was during a parrying mission against a guy that you are lead to believe is your friend. His fight is in place to make you master parrying. I didn't really understand the levels of parrying in the game at the time and so the constant whipping of the nunchuk during the fight caused me my minor injury. After something like 21 straight half parries I was able to figure out that I needed to wait a little longer to swing the nunchuk and to make the movement shorter. This allows for the full disarming parry and that's how you beat the bastard.
I was happy for most of the experience with this game. The shooting felt really good. The slow down time power was pretty rad and the game as a whole has this silliness but sometimes seriousness to it. It's really an interesting flavor. It's not always ironically funny either, some of it is intentional. The highlight of the game is probably this comical but also horrifying rabbit level. At first it plays like it's comedy, but then you have a pitch black fight scene with a bunch of ninjas or something like that. I got kind of spooked to be honest. There is no shortage of demented rabbit heads in the level. It's weird man. It's like the people who made it wanted a way to communicate that they are in fact Japanese and therefore the champions of being weird.
There are two scenes in the rabbit level that gave me jump scares to be more specific. One of them is the moment directly after the lights are turned out on you. There are two flying white orbs in the room. Turns out, those are the masks of two guys who will shoot you when you get close enough. Pretty damn spooky yo. The second time is when you walk down a corridor and see a green dinosaur looking mannequin. You can walk right past it and get a shotgun blast to the back. The green dinosaur mannequin is a man! For a rated T 2006 Wii game, these two moments got me pretty good.
When the sword fighting is responsive, which is about 75% of the time, the game feels awesome. When the shooting feels responsive, which is about 90% of the time then you feel like a total badass. The uzi is fun to blaze away with, the pistols are all great. The semi auto shotgun and the Scar assault rifle are just a great time. Both guns make you feel really powerful. The game is fun if a bit dated and janky. I give it my full recommendation. You might want to take a pass if you are easily frustrated though. In those moments where you are swinging away as if you're a madman trying to kill a house fly that isn't there, the game can get pretty frustrating.
This is by no means a perfect game. Your aiming dot will sometimes just fly out of control no matter how steady your hands are. By sometimes, I mean there is a constant flickering and jankiness to the aiming. The flickering and jankiness can be compounded by the dot flying totally out of control. You can expect this to happen a few times when you're activating the slow motion shooting power. This is because you have to hold down the A button and then lurch the controller forward like you're trying to stab a ghost.
My hands shake like I need a drink, because I need a drink. Though I wouldn't recommend drinking while you play this game, you could get really frustrated and break something valuable in your place. Controllers learn to fly much easier when there is some alcohol fueled rage in the room with you. Yes I might be disassociating from the booze rage I get after 7 consecutive deaths to a highly pixelated samurai lady. I'm not gonna tell you directly of my booze rage situation, but it may have happened over at my friend's apartment who happened to be revisiting this game around the same time.
Sometimes the sword fighting controls will feel perfect and sometimes they will ignore you the way most women ignore me after our first conversation. Something about sending a lady 8 straight one-liners about my penis that sends them running in the opposite direction. I thought people loved hearing about my penis? Anyway, the sword mechanics in the game. Sometimes you can sneak up on an enemy and whip the nunchuck at them for a stealth sword kill. The kill part of the equation work pretty reliably but the stealth part doesn't. As your character winds up for the kill, the bad guy usually turns around and shoots you at least once. That kind of blows, but it doesn't ruin the experience.
The 1v1 sword battles are just plain rad. I know a lot of people hate them because they make no logical sense. Scott, the main character is a gun expert. Why on Earth would he swap to a sword and battle it out with some fools instead of gunning them down on the spot? Because this is a video game! Scott knows that we need these sword battles whether we want them to make sense or not. So he delivers.
The sword combo moves can be somewhat difficult to pull off at first, but I found them to work consistently after a good bit of practice. Regular sword fighting enemies are usually fast or heavy hitters. You have to dodge and counter the heavy hitters and you have to parry the fast hitters. Sometimes they will swap styles in the middle of the fight. Even so, once you get the hang of it, they are not that hard to handle.
The sword fighting boss fights are tense and challenging. Specifically the one with the babe that you see sitting on Scott's lap in the loading screen. She swaps styles and you have to lower her aggression meter or something like that, I don't know I wasn't really paying attention to that part. You parry, dodge and unleash combos to win, just like every other game. This tough babe is in the geisha mission and fighting her is probably one of the highlights of the game. So if you play the game, look forward to that mission.
So, like I said, the asian sword hotty is on Scott's lap in every load screen. Does that loading screen imply that we boned her off camera and cheated on our fiance that we are trying to rescue? If that's the case then why was that scene cut from the game? As a total creep, I would have loved to have observed a bit of pixelated junk bumping. Plus the lady is Asian and I think we all know that they have blurry genitals anyway, so, no need for censorship. Real missed opportunity there.
When I first saw that loading screen I thought it meant that we would befriend her and then turn over a few buddy cop missions. Maybe they had something like this in the game but had to cut it later on. It would have been so cool to get to work alongside her to stealthfully take out unsuspecting enemies like a couple of ninja lovers. Then at the end of the game you have to decide if you want to make your lifu about your sword waifu or go back to plane Jane damsel in distress. I'm 100% in the marry plane Jane and then cheat on her with sword waifu third category.
The final sword boss fight sets up a twist ending that you could probably see coming. But it's still fun anyway. I'm not sure that it really counts as a twist ending, but it does go against your expectations, so it's pretty good in that way. Like I've said before, you don't make your way through this murky, pixelated shoot and slash fest for the riveting story and deep symbolism. You don't even play this game to learn more about a culture. Well, maybe they had some kind of consultant for that stuff but I really doubt it. Most of the time the voice acting sounds like an offensive impersonation of an Asian person. That's not a dig against the voice actors if they really do sound like that, but it does at times make me laugh just listening to the dialogue.
The technology of the Wii was brand spanking new when this game was made. So it is pretty janky control wise. The graphics are pretty bad and the story is pretty dumb. But you shouldn't come into a game like this expecting cinematic brilliance and cutting edge realism. You should be in the mood to make the bad guys go boom-boom and to whip the controller around your apartment in a virtual sword fight. I got way too into one fight and slightly strained my left bicep. I told everyone at work that I did it at the gym but I think they can tell that I don't go to the gym.
The fight where I strained my left bicep was during a parrying mission against a guy that you are lead to believe is your friend. His fight is in place to make you master parrying. I didn't really understand the levels of parrying in the game at the time and so the constant whipping of the nunchuk during the fight caused me my minor injury. After something like 21 straight half parries I was able to figure out that I needed to wait a little longer to swing the nunchuk and to make the movement shorter. This allows for the full disarming parry and that's how you beat the bastard.
I was happy for most of the experience with this game. The shooting felt really good. The slow down time power was pretty rad and the game as a whole has this silliness but sometimes seriousness to it. It's really an interesting flavor. It's not always ironically funny either, some of it is intentional. The highlight of the game is probably this comical but also horrifying rabbit level. At first it plays like it's comedy, but then you have a pitch black fight scene with a bunch of ninjas or something like that. I got kind of spooked to be honest. There is no shortage of demented rabbit heads in the level. It's weird man. It's like the people who made it wanted a way to communicate that they are in fact Japanese and therefore the champions of being weird.
There are two scenes in the rabbit level that gave me jump scares to be more specific. One of them is the moment directly after the lights are turned out on you. There are two flying white orbs in the room. Turns out, those are the masks of two guys who will shoot you when you get close enough. Pretty damn spooky yo. The second time is when you walk down a corridor and see a green dinosaur looking mannequin. You can walk right past it and get a shotgun blast to the back. The green dinosaur mannequin is a man! For a rated T 2006 Wii game, these two moments got me pretty good.
When the sword fighting is responsive, which is about 75% of the time, the game feels awesome. When the shooting feels responsive, which is about 90% of the time then you feel like a total badass. The uzi is fun to blaze away with, the pistols are all great. The semi auto shotgun and the Scar assault rifle are just a great time. Both guns make you feel really powerful. The game is fun if a bit dated and janky. I give it my full recommendation. You might want to take a pass if you are easily frustrated though. In those moments where you are swinging away as if you're a madman trying to kill a house fly that isn't there, the game can get pretty frustrating.
Shot Glass Thought: Computer Hacking Hoodies
So there are apparently two types of computer hackers. One hacks because they are a criminal and the other one hacks in an attempt to make the security of a business or government office more secure. But they kind of both do that anyway right? I still think that the personality types of the two have to at least be somewhat similar. When I think of a hacker I imagine a guy in a hoodie that always sits at a computer in the dark. He collects weird stuff like eye lashes or something. He might be watching me type this through my webcam right now. At any second he could start editing my posts and pasting the word dick every other five words in all my posts. If you're thinking about doing that hacker man then please refrain.
This is a world where everything is in computers, eventually we'll receive emails with food attachments that we can download and actually eat. What could be more powerful in this kind of setting than being able to make a computer that's not yours, tell you everything that you want to know? Hackers are scary man. I should see if I can't meet a few and become really tight friends with them. Send them a new hoodie and some of those glasses that protect your eyes from computer screens for Christmas. If a hacker dies at his/her computer in their hoodie, but they become a ghost, could the hoodie go on hacking without the hacker? A floating hoodie hacker that said "wooooooo" every now and again, sounds like a Scooby Doo premise.
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This is a world where everything is in computers, eventually we'll receive emails with food attachments that we can download and actually eat. What could be more powerful in this kind of setting than being able to make a computer that's not yours, tell you everything that you want to know? Hackers are scary man. I should see if I can't meet a few and become really tight friends with them. Send them a new hoodie and some of those glasses that protect your eyes from computer screens for Christmas. If a hacker dies at his/her computer in their hoodie, but they become a ghost, could the hoodie go on hacking without the hacker? A floating hoodie hacker that said "wooooooo" every now and again, sounds like a Scooby Doo premise.
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Shot Glass Thoughts: I Don't Mind Sharing My Roadkill
You know your up too late and way too alone when you reach 1:34am, softly singing "Can't Help Falling in Love" to yourself. I'm a grown ass man, do I really need to lullaby myself? Apparently. At the very least I should be singing a lullaby to my first born child or something like that at this stage in life. I'm not even drunk either. But I shouldn't be drunk, and thankfully I'm not sad either. I'm numb because I take depression meds. That was a punchline in my book, if it seemed depressing then say it back to yourself in your best Norm Macdonald impression. If you don't know who Norm Macdonald is, well then depression will probably get you. In a flock of seagulls I would be the one buzzard that got lost and was trying to ask directions but the seagulls don't normally talk to buzzards so it was kind of an awkward social interaction. They would prefer that I ask the pelicans, the pelicans are a little more used to dealing with smelly old buzzards, or at least that's what the crows say. I would get my directions but only from a stray dog that really had no clue where I should go, but wanted to be friends. I don't mind sharing my roadkill with a new best friend.
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Shot Glass Thought: Less Human, More Antiness
How different would pulled pork be if they supplemented the protein in it with a pound of crushed up ants? Does anyone out there eat smoked ant on the regular and think it's a delicacy? If we could take the super strength of ants and add it to our own DNA without acquiring any other antiness, that would be pretty dope. I'd go back to working construction and make a fortune without ever breaking a sweat. I'd eat pulled pork everyday and never get fat because having super strength is probably great for your metabolism. Some people would argue that we would be tampering with what it means to be human, but that really doesn't matter when you have super strength. The new age philosophy of the ant human hybrids would be "Fuck your existentialism, there are things to pick up and put down." I'm imagining Arnold Schwarzenegger in a toga outside his mansion which is actually just a giant ant hill. Anyway, back to your regularly scheduled life.
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