Comedy Story: The Opportunity Costs of Life
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Short Funny Stories: Should I Care about Calligraphy?
So I dated this girl once who was really into calligraphy. By dated I mean we had sex twice, then she stopped answering my texts. By texts I mean dick picks. This broad was strict. She ate at the same times every day. She planned her clothes out a week at a time. She had really strong beliefs about what calligraphy should and shouldn't be. Our sex wasn't like the improv jam sessions that I prefer. It was more like a scheduled humping and spooning appointment. I think she set timers for both the humping and spooning.
To her credit, I could have really gotten used to that. There was a great deal of stability to it. Our only problem it seemed to me, was that she was obsessed with something, and wanted me to be that way too. But I just couldn't be into calligraphy. Calligraphy is basically making art of writing something, so I respect it. Mostly because it looks really difficult and it take forever to do. But I also respect plumbers, line cooks and long distance runners. None of those things are things that I will ever be. The only time you will see me making highly decorated words is if you have recently taken LSD. I'll probably also tell you to listen to the whispers of the stag beetles or something like that.
She loved her work so she had some screen print one of her designs onto a t shirt for her. I don't have skills like that, so if drew something and then had it put on a shirt, people would think that I was the doting father of a 2 year old. What I really wanted to show this girl was some tenderness. She was so robotic and planned in her every move. I wanted to surprise her with some holding and caressing. But with her there was a time and place for everything.
When the time was up, I might as well hold and caress her Vladmir Putin plush doll that she kept on her sofa at all times. She never explained the Putin doll, it was just there almost in the same way that I was just there. So I did cuddle it a bit. You can't judge me for that, the place was icy and devoid of emotion. I had to express my caring side somehow. I asked him how his country was, talked about his horses and inquired about his P90x results. He seemed to be doing good.
I don't miss this chick or Calligraphy. I do kind of wonder how Vlad is doing. She didn't end up being my girl or somebody that I'll ever see again most likely. But I'm glad she exists. She was driven and purposeful. She was very practical in all of her choices and motivations. She probably replaced me with someone that has an education or something like that. Maybe even a sex ed teacher for all I know. So should I have to care about Calligraphy? Well I should have if I wanted to retain this woman. I should have at least faked it if I wanted her to stick around. Maybe I could have been the global warming to her ice caps. Except minus all the dying polar bears.
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Comedy Story: Larceny is a Good Crime to Master
Larceny as defined by a site that I looked at for a few seconds is the unlawful taking of a person's property with the intent to permanently deprive them of it. Pawn shops exist for those of us that can commit larceny while never getting caught. What products have the highest resale value? Stolen shit does. Pawn shops conduct cash transactions with known drug addicts, thieves and the drug dealers to the drug addicts. If you're a drug addict, you will soon become a thief. If you have stolen something with the intent to make it turn into cash, then you will need to go to the pawn shop. You will need the item to turn into cash because that is the only form of payment that your drug dealer will accept. There is no such thing as the "Junky Credit Card" as far as I know.
You're definitely an asshole for stealing and permanently depriving someone of their goods. I like to imagine here somebody getting off of larceny charges because they snuck back in to the scene of the crime and brought everything back. The guilty master thief who just can't take the life anymore. He only got into the business because he was an adrenaline junky. After he got so good at thieving, the game became boring. Did you think he was the kind of sad story where they just do it because they are starving? Nah he thinks he'll move on to rock climbing without climbing gear. But he said he might be a surfing instructor on the coast for a few years. Really try to find himself. His friends say that he would make great grant writer. He's got a knack for navigating bureaucracy. Pens a fantastic business email. It'd be shame to waste talent like his.
Too many thieves get caught for there to not be a reason to worry about being caught. But there is only so much security a house can have. So if you plan and bring a tool to counter every single security measure possible, then why would your thieving fail? You know to cover your face and wear gloves. You bring all your tools. It's basically like every other trade at that point. You could meet with the other thieves at your favorite diner for breakfast. Everybody could gripe about their wives and moan about the new security measures they will have to deal with. Gossip about who might've been nicked by the cops. It would be just as rewarding as your average workplace groups. Which is why you'll die of an aneurysm when Jim, the thief of 77th street brings up his theory about indoctrination signals coming from the TV for the 11,000th time.
But if you're going to be a criminal, you should be a master at pick pocketing. The worst that can happen if you're caught is you catch an ass whooping. A good second place is robbing houses. Because you can usually tell if someone is home or not. And if they are home, then you know for sure that someone could blast you if you where to make an uninvited entry. Pick pocketing can fill your refrigerator and keep you out of long prison terms. Robbing houses could net you an entire home library of UFO books, but is it really worth the risk of really long prison sentences? I think not. You'd better learn how to pick pocket ramen packets if you end up in prison. According to things I've seen on the internet, prisoners are all about ramen packets. They also seem to really like fresh ass to rape. So maybe you could use the one to deter the other.
Imagine the opportunity that pick pocketing represents to a lonely person. You could so very quickly become really well acquainted with your mark, if you miss your mark. By that I mean that you fail to nab the goods, and are caught in the process of attempted nabbery. Let's say you bump into him or her later. Now you're that loner weirdo, that tried to rob this person earlier in life. This is like the ultimate primer for a friendship if the mark is a really understanding and forgiving person. Maybe you could win them over by splitting your next take with them. You guys can laugh it up at the ridiculously ugly driver's license picture. Gamble the cash at the nearest black jack table. Ditch the credit cards and pawn the wallet. It's cheap leather, but it's still leather. Maybe you guys decide to cut the original owner's O'Reily's Auto Parts card in half and share it between the two of you as a symbol of your new friendship.
Obviously you shouldn't steal, unless you're stealing the affection of your workplace sweetheart. You shouldn't deprive people of their property permanently or otherwise. So yes I want my old N64 controller back, you know who you are. You can't borrow something forever asshole. In any case if you have to steal, be a pick pocket. At least when you quit, you'll be able to effortlessly transition into a career as a magician.
You're definitely an asshole for stealing and permanently depriving someone of their goods. I like to imagine here somebody getting off of larceny charges because they snuck back in to the scene of the crime and brought everything back. The guilty master thief who just can't take the life anymore. He only got into the business because he was an adrenaline junky. After he got so good at thieving, the game became boring. Did you think he was the kind of sad story where they just do it because they are starving? Nah he thinks he'll move on to rock climbing without climbing gear. But he said he might be a surfing instructor on the coast for a few years. Really try to find himself. His friends say that he would make great grant writer. He's got a knack for navigating bureaucracy. Pens a fantastic business email. It'd be shame to waste talent like his.
Too many thieves get caught for there to not be a reason to worry about being caught. But there is only so much security a house can have. So if you plan and bring a tool to counter every single security measure possible, then why would your thieving fail? You know to cover your face and wear gloves. You bring all your tools. It's basically like every other trade at that point. You could meet with the other thieves at your favorite diner for breakfast. Everybody could gripe about their wives and moan about the new security measures they will have to deal with. Gossip about who might've been nicked by the cops. It would be just as rewarding as your average workplace groups. Which is why you'll die of an aneurysm when Jim, the thief of 77th street brings up his theory about indoctrination signals coming from the TV for the 11,000th time.
But if you're going to be a criminal, you should be a master at pick pocketing. The worst that can happen if you're caught is you catch an ass whooping. A good second place is robbing houses. Because you can usually tell if someone is home or not. And if they are home, then you know for sure that someone could blast you if you where to make an uninvited entry. Pick pocketing can fill your refrigerator and keep you out of long prison terms. Robbing houses could net you an entire home library of UFO books, but is it really worth the risk of really long prison sentences? I think not. You'd better learn how to pick pocket ramen packets if you end up in prison. According to things I've seen on the internet, prisoners are all about ramen packets. They also seem to really like fresh ass to rape. So maybe you could use the one to deter the other.
Imagine the opportunity that pick pocketing represents to a lonely person. You could so very quickly become really well acquainted with your mark, if you miss your mark. By that I mean that you fail to nab the goods, and are caught in the process of attempted nabbery. Let's say you bump into him or her later. Now you're that loner weirdo, that tried to rob this person earlier in life. This is like the ultimate primer for a friendship if the mark is a really understanding and forgiving person. Maybe you could win them over by splitting your next take with them. You guys can laugh it up at the ridiculously ugly driver's license picture. Gamble the cash at the nearest black jack table. Ditch the credit cards and pawn the wallet. It's cheap leather, but it's still leather. Maybe you guys decide to cut the original owner's O'Reily's Auto Parts card in half and share it between the two of you as a symbol of your new friendship.
Obviously you shouldn't steal, unless you're stealing the affection of your workplace sweetheart. You shouldn't deprive people of their property permanently or otherwise. So yes I want my old N64 controller back, you know who you are. You can't borrow something forever asshole. In any case if you have to steal, be a pick pocket. At least when you quit, you'll be able to effortlessly transition into a career as a magician.
Click here if you have a hobby that you would like to turn into a business: https://e8b2fa0bng3qzbv8xafqmnbo9p.hop.clickbank.net/
The next three links are the sources that helped me to write this post: https://www.mylondon.news/news/local-news/prison-sentence-for-southall-pickpocket-5968159
Click here if you are the rough crowd and not just a part of it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_MzJrEhmRLM
Click here if you would like to watch the best movie of all time on the best console of this generation on the best TV that money can buy:
Comedy Story: Some Thoughts On The Buffet
Everyone knows why they go to a buffet. To hoggishly stuff as much edible matter in our gullets as is humanly possible. The buffet is an American staple in that we eat so much there that we might literally need staples to keep our guts from busting. We eat there when the week hasn't gone well or for any old reason honestly. Just pack the kids in the car and lets go not think about anything but how to get our faces to the maximum level of stuffed. Except don't think about that either just think about not thinking and all will be well.
I've often thought that the buffet should be a liberal enrichment program for places where people are starving. I think that third world governments should just make business deals with Golden Corral so that they can feed their people. The government covers the costs of operation with a sizable profit margin for their efforts. For golden corral it's great publicity and a lot of profits. For third world countries they immediately go from being concerned about starvation to a diabetes epidemic in under a year. And yes, that is a positive.
Realism: In truth sometimes the food is good. But at most buffets the food is anything but good. And almost everyone that works there has the feeling that they aren't actually working at a restaurant serving people as much as they are slopping hogs at the farm. Studies show that this state of mind can lead to increased rates of homicidal behavior towards obese people and pigs. I made that up.
I wonder how many heart-attacks happen at all you can eat buffets? I wonder how many people there are that really love working at them and how many people actually do love them? What is it to really love eating someplace? It's usually something about how the place makes you feel, or that it has something in common with how you grew up. I guess a lot of Americans grew up being force fed like ducks for foi gra. The same customer base that loves buffets would also be in favor of a new sector in the restaurant industry called the "Forced Feeding Tube Restaurant." You pay ahead of time with your credit card online so that when you arrive you can go right to your reserved toilet. You drop your drawers and sit down. Then the servers attach a giant feeding tube to your face and you just let it all happen until a computer monitoring your vitals alerts the staff that you're about to die. Then they unplug you, resuscitate you and you go on your way. Leaving behind your dignity and a sizable tip for the staff that had to witness you become a human tick.
Don't get me wrong. I love to pig out and I do go to the buffet ever so often. I also get the psychology behind over eating and compulsive eating. By that I mean that I understand that there is something to get about those topics. I haven't actually read about them nor do I intend to. But like with most repetitive behaviors that can kill you, overeating and compulsive eating are probably linked to some kind of trauma. So there is always that little tinge of sadness when I think about the "bigguns" out there eating themselves into an early grave. For these people their addiction is no different from a cocaine addict. Either way they can't stop and the repetitive behavior will eventually kill them. Now a big fat guy probably wouldn't suck your dick in exchange for your Big Mac and fries, but you never know.
Maybe it's time for a revision of some kind for buffet offerings. The buffet could become the ultimate health food bonanza. In theory, it could be a place where you have all you can eat of only healthy offerings. If you're a compulsive over eater would that help? Could you live better by eating a 1000 of things that can't hurt you but can only help you? That would be interesting to see. Maybe one day there will be a health foods version of golden corral where the most unhealthy thing you can get is still good for your heart. This idea is like if someone wrote a book that was entirely composed of just 0's and 1's then tested it on a random group of people. Someone in the room might like it, but nobody will believe that it will actually work for humans.
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Short Funny Story: Karaoke Sucks
Karaoke, like most social exercises is a terribly overrated and miserable affair. If you happen to hear one person sing well it's a miracle. The rest of what you hear is more like the squawking parrot version of your favorite songs. You are more likely to hear Bruce Springsteen humming “Dancing in the Dark” to himself in a Burger King bathroom than you are to hear someone sing well on Karaoke night.
Karaoke is the kind of thing that only works when you're on drunk. In other words it's not actually fun. Some other offenders are Cards Against Humanity, card games and all board games. Board games are fun for drunks and kids because both of those audiences can laugh or fight over anything.
The people that are paid to sing are good at it. People who are not paid to sing that are actually good at it are so rare that they might as well not exist. You will find the Loch Ness monster, Big Foot and a Grey alien playing a boring ass game of Monopoly before you will find your legendary amateur singer that should “totally go pro dude.” And nobody who sings karaoke is secretly going to have a career singing afterwards. So what is the point of even participating if you're not drunk.
The point of karaoke is to get untalented morons full of booze so they feel like they might have been rock stars if they had devoted themselves to the chase. It lets you live the fantasy without actually doing any work. This is, more or less the true American way.
I can admit that my perspective is biased because I hate going out. I would rather stay home and learn a new skill or work on something that means something to me. I don't care about socializing. I usually only make friends with the people that I work with, and that's only so that we get along better. When I leave that place I usually leave behind all those relationships. So if you don't like socializing and you don't like social grooves then you probably are not going to like karaoke. At this point I could take up suicide note writing as a hobby before I could be made to go to karaoke night. Imagine if you wanted to commit suicide, but you just can't think of what to say. That's where I come in.
All this being said, I'm glad karaoke exists. I just don't want people to tell me how great it is when I know that I hate it. I would love to own a karaoke bar that made me a lot of money and I'm glad that other people do. But it does make people look stupid and it makes me feel stupid to watch. The only thing worse than the experience of karaoke would be if I was so drunk that I did perform on karaoke night, the performance was recorded, and then was played back to me later while sober. That's the true nightmare of karaoke.
Karaoke is the kind of thing that only works when you're on drunk. In other words it's not actually fun. Some other offenders are Cards Against Humanity, card games and all board games. Board games are fun for drunks and kids because both of those audiences can laugh or fight over anything.
The people that are paid to sing are good at it. People who are not paid to sing that are actually good at it are so rare that they might as well not exist. You will find the Loch Ness monster, Big Foot and a Grey alien playing a boring ass game of Monopoly before you will find your legendary amateur singer that should “totally go pro dude.” And nobody who sings karaoke is secretly going to have a career singing afterwards. So what is the point of even participating if you're not drunk.
The point of karaoke is to get untalented morons full of booze so they feel like they might have been rock stars if they had devoted themselves to the chase. It lets you live the fantasy without actually doing any work. This is, more or less the true American way.
I can admit that my perspective is biased because I hate going out. I would rather stay home and learn a new skill or work on something that means something to me. I don't care about socializing. I usually only make friends with the people that I work with, and that's only so that we get along better. When I leave that place I usually leave behind all those relationships. So if you don't like socializing and you don't like social grooves then you probably are not going to like karaoke. At this point I could take up suicide note writing as a hobby before I could be made to go to karaoke night. Imagine if you wanted to commit suicide, but you just can't think of what to say. That's where I come in.
All this being said, I'm glad karaoke exists. I just don't want people to tell me how great it is when I know that I hate it. I would love to own a karaoke bar that made me a lot of money and I'm glad that other people do. But it does make people look stupid and it makes me feel stupid to watch. The only thing worse than the experience of karaoke would be if I was so drunk that I did perform on karaoke night, the performance was recorded, and then was played back to me later while sober. That's the true nightmare of karaoke.
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Click here if you need a good song for karaoke: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfmkgQRmmeE
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Comedy Story: Min Maxing Your Sexiness
Haircuts are expensive, so if you are not that good-looking to begin with then just save the money and buzz your head. Ugly people probably spend the most money on beauty products. This is a pointless pursuit. What is more likely to bring a mate, a genuine personality or some fat tits and a thin waste? Obviously the tits, unless you are a biologically a man with fat tits. In which case, don't worry about being accepted, either start dating fat chicks or start working out.
It's not your fault ugly folks, of which I am one. Beauty is rare, and we lost the draw. But we have other things. If you love work and you happen to be ugly, then maximize the time that you have on work. Put the money that you would have spent on your haircut and cologne on finding yourself more work. There will be someone out there that will be very attracted to your bank account. All that working that you love to do anyway will bring in the goods that cologne and haircuts never could. You and I will always have our big nose, our fat head, our male pattern baldness, even if you're a chick. Or just a man with fat tits.
Think about the things about yourself that you can control. Like how good of a person you are, how hard you work. Do you ever come in to work late? Are doing your sit-ups and push ups? If you can't control it for yourself then it doesn't really mean anything. If you get denied something, then you had no control over it so move on. This is the mental change between normal people and people who become rapists. The rest of us can just say “oh well, better luck next time.” While the other guys go barreling down a dark back alley after some broad.
So just buzz your head and save the money that you would spend on haircuts and beauty stuff and spend it on something that matters. It's not that hard to buzz your own head. The front is super easy. Turn your back to your mirror and then point your camera at the mirror. With your other hand you just buzz the fuzz. There ya go, once a month you do that and you save a fortune that can go into things that really matter to you that do not include your sub-par appearance. Some people will claim that poor self esteem and having the inner voice that tells you “you're so fucking ugly dude. God please don't make me look at us in the mirror.” comes from other people and how you've been conditioned to be.
Nobody ever sees the voice for what it really is, a survival mechanism. How else is your subconscious supposed to help you with your finances? Without talking shit and also telling the truth about how ugly we are, we might be at risk to waste more money on trying to look better. It's a blessing in disguise and we should treat it as such.
It's a harsh truth to accept. We aren't that good looking and sometimes we'll think about it and our feelings will be hurt. But we can control what we eat and how much we exercise. You could apply the same thinking to your application of makeup. You might feel the same is true for when you control your looks by applying makeup. But it usually just ends up making a highly polished and powdered cow. It's still a cow, but with mascara.
Or you could just not do any of this stuff. What do I know? I'm not even really sure what I believe that beautiful means. So live it up, buy ten tons of makeup and put it all on at once. Work 80 hour weeks and spend every dime on plastic surgery to the point that you look like Kim Kardashian except more monstrous and fake than she already looks. It's not my life it's yours so do whatever makes you happy. Get breast reduction if you are a guy with fat tits. That's definitely a justifiable change.
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Click here if the Lord knows what you and I've been doing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMvyM3iReZA
Click here if you would like to watch the best movie of all time on the best console of this generation on the best TV that money can buy:
It's not your fault ugly folks, of which I am one. Beauty is rare, and we lost the draw. But we have other things. If you love work and you happen to be ugly, then maximize the time that you have on work. Put the money that you would have spent on your haircut and cologne on finding yourself more work. There will be someone out there that will be very attracted to your bank account. All that working that you love to do anyway will bring in the goods that cologne and haircuts never could. You and I will always have our big nose, our fat head, our male pattern baldness, even if you're a chick. Or just a man with fat tits.
Think about the things about yourself that you can control. Like how good of a person you are, how hard you work. Do you ever come in to work late? Are doing your sit-ups and push ups? If you can't control it for yourself then it doesn't really mean anything. If you get denied something, then you had no control over it so move on. This is the mental change between normal people and people who become rapists. The rest of us can just say “oh well, better luck next time.” While the other guys go barreling down a dark back alley after some broad.
So just buzz your head and save the money that you would spend on haircuts and beauty stuff and spend it on something that matters. It's not that hard to buzz your own head. The front is super easy. Turn your back to your mirror and then point your camera at the mirror. With your other hand you just buzz the fuzz. There ya go, once a month you do that and you save a fortune that can go into things that really matter to you that do not include your sub-par appearance. Some people will claim that poor self esteem and having the inner voice that tells you “you're so fucking ugly dude. God please don't make me look at us in the mirror.” comes from other people and how you've been conditioned to be.
Nobody ever sees the voice for what it really is, a survival mechanism. How else is your subconscious supposed to help you with your finances? Without talking shit and also telling the truth about how ugly we are, we might be at risk to waste more money on trying to look better. It's a blessing in disguise and we should treat it as such.
It's a harsh truth to accept. We aren't that good looking and sometimes we'll think about it and our feelings will be hurt. But we can control what we eat and how much we exercise. You could apply the same thinking to your application of makeup. You might feel the same is true for when you control your looks by applying makeup. But it usually just ends up making a highly polished and powdered cow. It's still a cow, but with mascara.
Or you could just not do any of this stuff. What do I know? I'm not even really sure what I believe that beautiful means. So live it up, buy ten tons of makeup and put it all on at once. Work 80 hour weeks and spend every dime on plastic surgery to the point that you look like Kim Kardashian except more monstrous and fake than she already looks. It's not my life it's yours so do whatever makes you happy. Get breast reduction if you are a guy with fat tits. That's definitely a justifiable change.
Click here if you have a hobby that you would like to turn into a business: https://e8b2fa0bng3qzbv8xafqmnbo9p.hop.clickbank.net/
Click here if the Lord knows what you and I've been doing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMvyM3iReZA
Click here if you would like to watch the best movie of all time on the best console of this generation on the best TV that money can buy:
Short Funny Story: I'm Okay With Public Baths
Public bath centers would be good for our society on multiple levels. They could provide a great number of people with cleanliness. This includes the homeless, a group of people that could always look a little cleaner. Because it would help with job searching and reintegrating with society not because I think they are icky. But still, less ickyness couldn't hurt.
Would I be thrilled to share bath water with a creep that is jerking it to the one unfortunate woman in the tub? It's most likely that I would be the creep so yea I'd be pretty thrilled.
The experience of being naked together in public would make us all less susceptible to beauty marketing. When you see that everyone is squishy, hairy and unkempt in some or all places you start to have a more realistic opinion of your fellow human being. Actually I think I would be the only one that is squishy, hairy and unkempt. So the experience would make you more accepting of me and my nudity. Still not a negative in my book.
The baths would have to be full of chemicals obviously, people are filthy. We want safe chemicals, I don't want to bath in a lukewarm nuclear reaction and sprout a third nut out of nowhere.
There would have to some kind of system to determine how to do the public baths with as little waste of resources as possible while washing the greatest number of people. If it's just as wasteful or more wasteful than everyone showering for themselves then we might as well just burn a rain forest or dump sewage in a lake.
Don't think for one second that I would fight to have this idea realized. I am in no hurry to share nasty body soup with anyone. But the Romans did this kind of thing back in the day. Until they were ruined by terrible leadership they were doing pretty well for themselves. So maybe it could be like some kind of environment saving practice. That's a big maybe I'd say, but I can guarantee that it would make everyone uncomfortable.
Anyway here is the link that inspired this topic: https://www.ancient.eu/Roman_Baths/
Click here if you have a hobby that you would like to turn into a business: https://e8b2fa0bng3qzbv8xafqmnbo9p.hop.clickbank.net/
Click here if you want to hear the song that is constantly playing in my head: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFkzRNyygfk
Click here if you would like to watch the best movie of all time on the best console of this generation on the best TV that money can buy:
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