A lot of people want flat abs and a sexy beach bod and all that shit. Not me. I ain't looking to live forever because getting old sucks. Plus, have you ever fell on your face before? Well I haven't because my belly is in the way of that. Now some of you are starting to come over to my side eh? Flat abs and all that may or may not be good for your face. Anyway, I'm here to provide you with my well researched and properly tested techniques for making your belly fatter.
1. Add sugar to everything
Adding sugar has been found to be an incredibly unhealthy thing to do. So do it. Sugar doesn't even really taste that good. Be honest with yourself, you can't really say what sugar tastes like. It's sweet sure, but what does that really mean? I don't know and I can't tell you, but I can tell you that my coffee is mixed with Coca-Cola and 11 packets of raw sugar. I like to add some much that there remains a grainy texture in the drink. Sometimes I fill a bowl with sugar and dump one cup of coffee in there with for a crunchy, mushy sugar soup. Some other ways you can apply this is to dump sugar over your popcorn, garnish your salad with sugar, soak your burger buns in honey and have molasses syrup as your toothpaste.
2. No more protein
Protein has been proven to be good for weight loss. So we don't want any of that. Later in this post I'll describe how we won't be moving anymore. Well, that'd be impossible unless we die, which we want to happen. I've spoken with a few immortals and they all have tremendous buyer's remorse. Apparently, all the aches and pains of getting old just keep getting worse indefinitely. So, my heart goes out to all the 1000 year old vampires that read my blog.
3. No more movement
Right, so we aren't going to be exercising anymore and if we do have to move we need to make it minimal. If you're a hard working server out there, it's time to become a lazy piece of shit that drags the rest of the team down. In all likelihood, you already have someone like that on the team, so their impact shouldn't be difficult to replicate. Think of yourself as a tick. You're only alive to feed off of someone else and then die as a giant bloated bag of blood. I'm not gonna lie, I deleted that last sentence a few times before deciding to move on. It's pretty damn disgusting.
4. Guzzle fruit juice
Here's a little, or maybe somewhat known fact, fruit juices aren't that great for you. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to know what is known in the first place. That's really kind of arrogant on my part to pose like I might know what people do and do not know. Which brings me to this most pressing question, do you think that our world is ruled by a sentient computer? I wouldn't be surprised if at the bottom of the internet depths, there lived a sentient super computer with designs for world domination through mental manipulation. Sending signals that change us into drooling slaves through memes and other internet culture bullshit. Lemme know what you think in the comments.
Back to fruit juice, everything has a serving size for a reason. Fruit juice is full of sugar. Sugar is something that we're already adding to our tacos, pizza and cheeseburgers if you're following along correctly. Fruits are full of sugar to begin with, but when you drink the kind that has had tons of the cocaine looking sweet stuff thrown in, double whammy. So, forget soda and beer/wine. We are gonna guzzle fruit juices, the sweeter the better. If you follow my steps detailed here, you'll no doubt succeed in making your belly fatter.
Disclaimer: Obviously, don't do any of this shit.
The Answers: 5 Ways to Choose the Right Escort
Right, so I've never been with an escort or used a catalog to find one or anything like that. But I have been on the internet! All it takes to pick the perfect paid partner is a quick analysis of yourself and a quick analysis of the women available. So here we go with 5 ways to choose the right escort.
1. Check her eyes to see if she is dead inside. This can be done by looking for lines in her face on the pictures where she is smiling. If there are no pictures where she is smiling then she has already chewed up and spit out 17 other guys just like you. So, for the love of God leave her be! If you find a lady that has laugh lines but no shimmering, moisture like presence in the eyes then it means that she's good at faking human emotions and that she has cannibalized 17 other guys just like you, so for the love of God...well do what you got to do I guess. If you can find one with laugh lines and shimmering eyes then you are ready to book.
2. Check the price. Price is the main determinant of whether or not you start considering the cannibal or the serial killer broads. If possible, whatever it is in life, it's usually a good idea to go for the best. Try to date the best women, have the best grades, take the best job. But sometimes life has a different plan. And you Googled something along the lines of "how to choose an escort", so obviously your plans are a bit on the fritz. Life's plan usually doesn't pare up to perfectly with your wallet's plan. So use discretion here, and maybe think about saving up if you can only afford the serial killers and the cannibals.
3. Perform an image search on her profile pictures to make sure that she isn't a catfish. Also, look for her Facebook. I'll be honest with you I've taken both of these from the show Catfish on MTV. I never watch TV except for when I go home to visit my family. Last time I did, they were watching Catfish. So, I learned a few things while being entertained.
4. Light a candle and hum for 28 minutes in front of their picture. When you open your eyes, you'll either see a future full of love with her or you'll see her fleeing the scene of your murder. If you get number 2, then try another girl. This is the fail safe method for avoiding a really good fake or for finding the one cheap chick that you initially thought might drug you and sell you to a human trafficker. This method will show you that you can't always judge a book by it's cover. You can also use this method to peak inside the courtroom of your eventual killer's trial. That is if you decide to risk it with a number 2 option. I get it, we all have a taste for danger at some point.
Pro Tip: Be careful when you're sitting down that your nut sack isn't about to get pinched by your pants. It's fucking agony and now I wish I wouldn't have left to go pee in the first place. But if I hadn't done that then I'd be neglecting my bladder. That's not good either, so take my advice, nothing is good.
5. Make sure that she isn't a prostitute. In some places in Nevada there can be a legal hiring of a prostitute. But everywhere else in America there stands to reason that the person that you are soliciting is in fact an officer of the law. Escorts are supposed to be something else. Someone that you can't have sex with but they will dress up and pretend to be high class at your law school reunion cocktail party. I suppose in Vegas, escort and prostitute can mean the same thing sometimes but the whole world isn't Vegas. You don't want your mugshot in the paper and your ass in jail just because you're too lazy to form a connection with someone and earn the pussy like the rest of the civilized world. Or you're too cheap to go to Vegas to get what you want.
Now you may be wondering, what part of this has to do with self analysis? You taught me how to analyze the potential escorts, but you never told me how to analyze myself. Well, here's the thing, you have to go through the entire process of selecting the escort first, but not paying the money. I assume it's the kind of thing that you have to do up front. Then give yourself 5 reasons why you shouldn't proceed. If you can't come up with any, well then let natural selection take it's course. If you come up with any at all, then your logical brain will hopefully take over and you'll call the whole thing off. After that, maybe you could see a psychologist? I never finished any school that wasn't high school or community college, so I can't tell you whats up with you.
1. Check her eyes to see if she is dead inside. This can be done by looking for lines in her face on the pictures where she is smiling. If there are no pictures where she is smiling then she has already chewed up and spit out 17 other guys just like you. So, for the love of God leave her be! If you find a lady that has laugh lines but no shimmering, moisture like presence in the eyes then it means that she's good at faking human emotions and that she has cannibalized 17 other guys just like you, so for the love of God...well do what you got to do I guess. If you can find one with laugh lines and shimmering eyes then you are ready to book.
2. Check the price. Price is the main determinant of whether or not you start considering the cannibal or the serial killer broads. If possible, whatever it is in life, it's usually a good idea to go for the best. Try to date the best women, have the best grades, take the best job. But sometimes life has a different plan. And you Googled something along the lines of "how to choose an escort", so obviously your plans are a bit on the fritz. Life's plan usually doesn't pare up to perfectly with your wallet's plan. So use discretion here, and maybe think about saving up if you can only afford the serial killers and the cannibals.
3. Perform an image search on her profile pictures to make sure that she isn't a catfish. Also, look for her Facebook. I'll be honest with you I've taken both of these from the show Catfish on MTV. I never watch TV except for when I go home to visit my family. Last time I did, they were watching Catfish. So, I learned a few things while being entertained.
4. Light a candle and hum for 28 minutes in front of their picture. When you open your eyes, you'll either see a future full of love with her or you'll see her fleeing the scene of your murder. If you get number 2, then try another girl. This is the fail safe method for avoiding a really good fake or for finding the one cheap chick that you initially thought might drug you and sell you to a human trafficker. This method will show you that you can't always judge a book by it's cover. You can also use this method to peak inside the courtroom of your eventual killer's trial. That is if you decide to risk it with a number 2 option. I get it, we all have a taste for danger at some point.
Pro Tip: Be careful when you're sitting down that your nut sack isn't about to get pinched by your pants. It's fucking agony and now I wish I wouldn't have left to go pee in the first place. But if I hadn't done that then I'd be neglecting my bladder. That's not good either, so take my advice, nothing is good.
5. Make sure that she isn't a prostitute. In some places in Nevada there can be a legal hiring of a prostitute. But everywhere else in America there stands to reason that the person that you are soliciting is in fact an officer of the law. Escorts are supposed to be something else. Someone that you can't have sex with but they will dress up and pretend to be high class at your law school reunion cocktail party. I suppose in Vegas, escort and prostitute can mean the same thing sometimes but the whole world isn't Vegas. You don't want your mugshot in the paper and your ass in jail just because you're too lazy to form a connection with someone and earn the pussy like the rest of the civilized world. Or you're too cheap to go to Vegas to get what you want.
Now you may be wondering, what part of this has to do with self analysis? You taught me how to analyze the potential escorts, but you never told me how to analyze myself. Well, here's the thing, you have to go through the entire process of selecting the escort first, but not paying the money. I assume it's the kind of thing that you have to do up front. Then give yourself 5 reasons why you shouldn't proceed. If you can't come up with any, well then let natural selection take it's course. If you come up with any at all, then your logical brain will hopefully take over and you'll call the whole thing off. After that, maybe you could see a psychologist? I never finished any school that wasn't high school or community college, so I can't tell you whats up with you.
Jokes: The News that you Need, Now, When You Need It
1. Vicious memes blamed for death of 5 minutes of free time.
2. Cat doctors making great leaps in treating cocky mouse syndrome.
3. Local residents of Bridgewater, NJ are upset that a former Wal-Mart site is being converted into a medical marijuana dispensary. The locals were hoping that the site would finish what Wal-Mart started and become a 24 hour meth den.
4. In further news that knowing will not benefit you whatsoever, President Trump was acquitted on impeachment charges. This comes as a surprise to nobody and meant nothing from start to finish. Which just goes to prove what I've always believed, fuck the government.
5. Media heads flew after covering the reincarnation of Genghis Khan and his Mongol hoard.
6. Doctors recommend less marijuana for those with high functioning anxiety, saying that without weed, their condition will be cured.
7. Plucky upstart social media company specializes in introducing people who are interested in apple orchards.
2. Cat doctors making great leaps in treating cocky mouse syndrome.
3. Local residents of Bridgewater, NJ are upset that a former Wal-Mart site is being converted into a medical marijuana dispensary. The locals were hoping that the site would finish what Wal-Mart started and become a 24 hour meth den.
4. In further news that knowing will not benefit you whatsoever, President Trump was acquitted on impeachment charges. This comes as a surprise to nobody and meant nothing from start to finish. Which just goes to prove what I've always believed, fuck the government.
5. Media heads flew after covering the reincarnation of Genghis Khan and his Mongol hoard.
6. Doctors recommend less marijuana for those with high functioning anxiety, saying that without weed, their condition will be cured.
7. Plucky upstart social media company specializes in introducing people who are interested in apple orchards.
The Answers: How to Become a Travel Blogger and get Paid
I've never been out of this country except when I went on a prolonged field trip to Denmark.We didn't do much learning, but we did do a good deal of drinking. Also, nobody paid me to do it. So you'd be justified in saying that I have no fucking clue about what I'm talking about. But I have been on the internet. School teaches you how to synthesize a piece of knowledge from information. This is the first step in making use of the internet. The internet is the biggest, baddest thing in the world and we all need to chronicle our every movement on there so that crime can be much easier. Here's how to travel around the world and get paid.
1. You use your blog as means to get freelance work. Work that you will completely half-ass. If there's one thing I've learned from being a piece of shit, it's that good people will always give you a second chance. Just charge more money than anybody else and re-brand yourself as a new man every time that you apply for something new. Works every time, and it will make you money enough to keep from being somebody's employee. Also, make sure that you're from a country where there is tons of expendable income. That really seems to help.
2. Network with other bloggers that are more popular than you. This will keep you in the conversation of what seems to be important without forcing you to contribute anything of value. This is the only easy way to become famous. Used to, fame was something that the most outstanding people in a specific field earned. Now, outstanding people are still famous but they are forced to collaborate with irrelevant clingers that contribute nothing. You must become one of those parasites.
3. Monetize yourself using affiliate marketing. 99% of affiliate marketers fail because as a whole, this is a nearly impossible thing to make money on unless you have a ton of traffic. Not only that, but the traffic has to be for that specific thing that you are promoting. Also consider, nearly every source of information about affiliate marketing is not useful because it's provided by people that never made a penny in affiliate marketing. It's just some of the 99% that never made any money that are trying to recoup their losses by pretending like they made it rich and now they wanna share it with you. So, when I say that you should monetize yourself with affiliate marketing, I mean you should go fuck yourself and do something else.
4. Travel to a new country, become a sex worker/drug mule in order to leave. Let's be honest, you didn't make any money on ads, affiliate marketing or freelance services. You did a few freelance jobs for about 15 bucks total. You found out that it's pretty hard to compete with a more qualified candidate for those jobs when they are living in the third world and can bid pennies for the job that you need to receive dollars for. Your affiliate links haven't been clicked a single time. Your ads don't do anything because nobody is going to your site. But you decided to visit Paris on your parent's coin anyway. Assuring them that this will be your big break and that you'll be paying them back in no time. Now you've gotta break the law in order to get back home. Just make sure to keep updating your Instagram with motivational bullshit about how your entire life and perspective is changing due to this powerful experience.
1. You use your blog as means to get freelance work. Work that you will completely half-ass. If there's one thing I've learned from being a piece of shit, it's that good people will always give you a second chance. Just charge more money than anybody else and re-brand yourself as a new man every time that you apply for something new. Works every time, and it will make you money enough to keep from being somebody's employee. Also, make sure that you're from a country where there is tons of expendable income. That really seems to help.
2. Network with other bloggers that are more popular than you. This will keep you in the conversation of what seems to be important without forcing you to contribute anything of value. This is the only easy way to become famous. Used to, fame was something that the most outstanding people in a specific field earned. Now, outstanding people are still famous but they are forced to collaborate with irrelevant clingers that contribute nothing. You must become one of those parasites.
3. Monetize yourself using affiliate marketing. 99% of affiliate marketers fail because as a whole, this is a nearly impossible thing to make money on unless you have a ton of traffic. Not only that, but the traffic has to be for that specific thing that you are promoting. Also consider, nearly every source of information about affiliate marketing is not useful because it's provided by people that never made a penny in affiliate marketing. It's just some of the 99% that never made any money that are trying to recoup their losses by pretending like they made it rich and now they wanna share it with you. So, when I say that you should monetize yourself with affiliate marketing, I mean you should go fuck yourself and do something else.
4. Travel to a new country, become a sex worker/drug mule in order to leave. Let's be honest, you didn't make any money on ads, affiliate marketing or freelance services. You did a few freelance jobs for about 15 bucks total. You found out that it's pretty hard to compete with a more qualified candidate for those jobs when they are living in the third world and can bid pennies for the job that you need to receive dollars for. Your affiliate links haven't been clicked a single time. Your ads don't do anything because nobody is going to your site. But you decided to visit Paris on your parent's coin anyway. Assuring them that this will be your big break and that you'll be paying them back in no time. Now you've gotta break the law in order to get back home. Just make sure to keep updating your Instagram with motivational bullshit about how your entire life and perspective is changing due to this powerful experience.
The Answers: How to Become a Chick Magnet in 4 Easy Steps
I'm going to detail all the ways that somebody can attract the maximum number of romantic partners. This is How to Become a Chick Magnet.
1. Be funny all the time. Bust out your Rodney Dangerfield impression at your friend's uncle's funeral. Turn into Don Rickles for your Thanksgiving day toast. Turn into a clown at every moment's notice. Keep paint and makeup for making a clown face on your person at all times. Make the makeup drip so that it looks somewhat like blood. Women love danger and psychosis. If you can wrap both of those in laughter and inappropriate jokes then the chicks will come running.
2. Don't be approachable. Whatever you do, don't smile at anyone. Look like you wear the sleeves of the people who inflicted trauma on you in the past on your sleeves. Like you ripped their sleeves off and now you keep them as trophies. Hunch your body language as though you are trying to protect yourself from an ever impending stabbing. Whip your glaring face around when you are out in public as though you expect there to be government agents coming to abduct you at any minute. I say again, women love danger.
3. Show respect...to nobody. Women, men, children, the elderly and everyone else that might be in existence. Never be polite. When it comes to being mistreated, nobody loves that more than women. You're going to want to be a condescending prick at every opportunity. Whether they are confident and capable of doing whatever they want with their life, you just keep putting them down. Women will stay with this kind of behavior for months, years, they might even marry this kind of shit and stay with it till it literally kills them.
4. No matter what, act like a child. Women do not want a partner that is as mature as they are. They want to take care of you as much as they want to have your kids and then take care of them. When you get sick, make everyone that is in your life aware of that. But mostly, make sure that your woman, and I say that because she does belong to you, is aware that she will be caring for you hand and foot. Even if you only have a sinus infection, find a way to puke in the bed. Women love taking care of kids, so in turn they will love cleaning up your pukey sheets.
If you followed these 4 easy steps then you are no doubt covered up in pussy.
1. Be funny all the time. Bust out your Rodney Dangerfield impression at your friend's uncle's funeral. Turn into Don Rickles for your Thanksgiving day toast. Turn into a clown at every moment's notice. Keep paint and makeup for making a clown face on your person at all times. Make the makeup drip so that it looks somewhat like blood. Women love danger and psychosis. If you can wrap both of those in laughter and inappropriate jokes then the chicks will come running.
2. Don't be approachable. Whatever you do, don't smile at anyone. Look like you wear the sleeves of the people who inflicted trauma on you in the past on your sleeves. Like you ripped their sleeves off and now you keep them as trophies. Hunch your body language as though you are trying to protect yourself from an ever impending stabbing. Whip your glaring face around when you are out in public as though you expect there to be government agents coming to abduct you at any minute. I say again, women love danger.
3. Show respect...to nobody. Women, men, children, the elderly and everyone else that might be in existence. Never be polite. When it comes to being mistreated, nobody loves that more than women. You're going to want to be a condescending prick at every opportunity. Whether they are confident and capable of doing whatever they want with their life, you just keep putting them down. Women will stay with this kind of behavior for months, years, they might even marry this kind of shit and stay with it till it literally kills them.
4. No matter what, act like a child. Women do not want a partner that is as mature as they are. They want to take care of you as much as they want to have your kids and then take care of them. When you get sick, make everyone that is in your life aware of that. But mostly, make sure that your woman, and I say that because she does belong to you, is aware that she will be caring for you hand and foot. Even if you only have a sinus infection, find a way to puke in the bed. Women love taking care of kids, so in turn they will love cleaning up your pukey sheets.
If you followed these 4 easy steps then you are no doubt covered up in pussy.
The Answers: How to Stop Slurping Your Drink
This is a pretty simple how-to. First, you're going to have to make sure that you're not a total piece of shit. Audibly slurping a drink is a move that only the least considerate and moronic among us do. Opening your mouth and dumping drink and/or soup down the whole in your face is more than enough to put you in a position to swallow. There is no need to suck wind like a sentient, vengeful vacuum that hates the dust because it's moved in to the living room to take all the great living room jobs.
Nobody feels like they can tell you that you slurp your drink because it's so fucking obvious that it seems redundant and insulting to you to have to point it out. Make no mistake, you are the problem. This is the sort of behavior that incredibly selfish people put on. The kind that will try to make everyone else sick when they are sick. The kind that will insist on talking about every little aspect of their life with other people in order to vent. We don't wanna hear it!
Although, I am guilty of talking about personal stuff at work. Work is such a mundane and tiresome thing that I have to talk about personal shit or I'll just be so bored I won't be able to stand it. Not stuff like "I fucking hate my dad. UGH! Everything in my life that is bad is his fault!!" More along the lines of reflecting on stories from my past that were funny, crazy, traumatic in some way. The bottom line is that the stories have to be interesting and if they aren't, and I realize that at some point in the story then I'll just say the ending and admit that it was a dumb story. This keeps the flow of the work day conversation going.
The same motherfuckers that are slurping their drinks/soup are the same motherfuckers that well tell a story like this: "I was catching up with a friend of mine that I knew for three years in high school. He and I used to go to the Taco Bell and eat...tacos. I called him the other day and asked him how he's doing and he said that now they've got a Pizza Hut out there. Ain't that something." NO, it's fucking not!
Nobody feels like they can tell you that you slurp your drink because it's so fucking obvious that it seems redundant and insulting to you to have to point it out. Make no mistake, you are the problem. This is the sort of behavior that incredibly selfish people put on. The kind that will try to make everyone else sick when they are sick. The kind that will insist on talking about every little aspect of their life with other people in order to vent. We don't wanna hear it!
Although, I am guilty of talking about personal stuff at work. Work is such a mundane and tiresome thing that I have to talk about personal shit or I'll just be so bored I won't be able to stand it. Not stuff like "I fucking hate my dad. UGH! Everything in my life that is bad is his fault!!" More along the lines of reflecting on stories from my past that were funny, crazy, traumatic in some way. The bottom line is that the stories have to be interesting and if they aren't, and I realize that at some point in the story then I'll just say the ending and admit that it was a dumb story. This keeps the flow of the work day conversation going.
The same motherfuckers that are slurping their drinks/soup are the same motherfuckers that well tell a story like this: "I was catching up with a friend of mine that I knew for three years in high school. He and I used to go to the Taco Bell and eat...tacos. I called him the other day and asked him how he's doing and he said that now they've got a Pizza Hut out there. Ain't that something." NO, it's fucking not!
Jokes: A Stressed Out News Breakdown
Here are some hot and fresh jokes to keep this week of woe and doom somewhat manageable. Try to ignore your petty manager and keep on keeping on!
1. Angry blow up doll explodes under pressure.
2. Protester want police to stop posting wanted images on social media because it is a form of "Public humiliation and bullying." Police chief Chad Lengwall commented that there will be no change in police policy because the comments, which he personally monitors are "pretty fucking hilarious."
3. FDA to remove allergy warning from labels as a population control measure.
4. Some critics of the various major news outlets have criticized the lack of media coverage that the Harvey Weinstein trial is getting. Meanwhile, the Harvey Weinstein trial is proving once and for all that nobody wants to hear about a fat disgusting old rapist.
5. According to reports on my personal Facebook feed, all of China has died to the coronavirus.
6. Viral marketing campaigns are pushing fake cures for the coronavirus that actually spread it according to Panic News Network.
7. The science of climate change has had a couple new names proposed for it. There are some that support the name "Global flood prevention" and others that prefer the name "Building a wetter doomsday."
1. Angry blow up doll explodes under pressure.
2. Protester want police to stop posting wanted images on social media because it is a form of "Public humiliation and bullying." Police chief Chad Lengwall commented that there will be no change in police policy because the comments, which he personally monitors are "pretty fucking hilarious."
3. FDA to remove allergy warning from labels as a population control measure.
4. Some critics of the various major news outlets have criticized the lack of media coverage that the Harvey Weinstein trial is getting. Meanwhile, the Harvey Weinstein trial is proving once and for all that nobody wants to hear about a fat disgusting old rapist.
5. According to reports on my personal Facebook feed, all of China has died to the coronavirus.
6. Viral marketing campaigns are pushing fake cures for the coronavirus that actually spread it according to Panic News Network.
7. The science of climate change has had a couple new names proposed for it. There are some that support the name "Global flood prevention" and others that prefer the name "Building a wetter doomsday."
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