1. Vicious memes blamed for death of 5 minutes of free time.
2. Cat doctors making great leaps in treating cocky mouse syndrome.
3. Local residents of Bridgewater, NJ are upset that a former Wal-Mart site is being converted into a medical marijuana dispensary. The locals were hoping that the site would finish what Wal-Mart started and become a 24 hour meth den.
4. In further news that knowing will not benefit you whatsoever, President Trump was acquitted on impeachment charges. This comes as a surprise to nobody and meant nothing from start to finish. Which just goes to prove what I've always believed, fuck the government.
5. Media heads flew after covering the reincarnation of Genghis Khan and his Mongol hoard.
6. Doctors recommend less marijuana for those with high functioning anxiety, saying that without weed, their condition will be cured.
7. Plucky upstart social media company specializes in introducing people who are interested in apple orchards.
The Answers: How to Become a Travel Blogger and get Paid
I've never been out of this country except when I went on a prolonged field trip to Denmark.We didn't do much learning, but we did do a good deal of drinking. Also, nobody paid me to do it. So you'd be justified in saying that I have no fucking clue about what I'm talking about. But I have been on the internet. School teaches you how to synthesize a piece of knowledge from information. This is the first step in making use of the internet. The internet is the biggest, baddest thing in the world and we all need to chronicle our every movement on there so that crime can be much easier. Here's how to travel around the world and get paid.
1. You use your blog as means to get freelance work. Work that you will completely half-ass. If there's one thing I've learned from being a piece of shit, it's that good people will always give you a second chance. Just charge more money than anybody else and re-brand yourself as a new man every time that you apply for something new. Works every time, and it will make you money enough to keep from being somebody's employee. Also, make sure that you're from a country where there is tons of expendable income. That really seems to help.
2. Network with other bloggers that are more popular than you. This will keep you in the conversation of what seems to be important without forcing you to contribute anything of value. This is the only easy way to become famous. Used to, fame was something that the most outstanding people in a specific field earned. Now, outstanding people are still famous but they are forced to collaborate with irrelevant clingers that contribute nothing. You must become one of those parasites.
3. Monetize yourself using affiliate marketing. 99% of affiliate marketers fail because as a whole, this is a nearly impossible thing to make money on unless you have a ton of traffic. Not only that, but the traffic has to be for that specific thing that you are promoting. Also consider, nearly every source of information about affiliate marketing is not useful because it's provided by people that never made a penny in affiliate marketing. It's just some of the 99% that never made any money that are trying to recoup their losses by pretending like they made it rich and now they wanna share it with you. So, when I say that you should monetize yourself with affiliate marketing, I mean you should go fuck yourself and do something else.
4. Travel to a new country, become a sex worker/drug mule in order to leave. Let's be honest, you didn't make any money on ads, affiliate marketing or freelance services. You did a few freelance jobs for about 15 bucks total. You found out that it's pretty hard to compete with a more qualified candidate for those jobs when they are living in the third world and can bid pennies for the job that you need to receive dollars for. Your affiliate links haven't been clicked a single time. Your ads don't do anything because nobody is going to your site. But you decided to visit Paris on your parent's coin anyway. Assuring them that this will be your big break and that you'll be paying them back in no time. Now you've gotta break the law in order to get back home. Just make sure to keep updating your Instagram with motivational bullshit about how your entire life and perspective is changing due to this powerful experience.
1. You use your blog as means to get freelance work. Work that you will completely half-ass. If there's one thing I've learned from being a piece of shit, it's that good people will always give you a second chance. Just charge more money than anybody else and re-brand yourself as a new man every time that you apply for something new. Works every time, and it will make you money enough to keep from being somebody's employee. Also, make sure that you're from a country where there is tons of expendable income. That really seems to help.
2. Network with other bloggers that are more popular than you. This will keep you in the conversation of what seems to be important without forcing you to contribute anything of value. This is the only easy way to become famous. Used to, fame was something that the most outstanding people in a specific field earned. Now, outstanding people are still famous but they are forced to collaborate with irrelevant clingers that contribute nothing. You must become one of those parasites.
3. Monetize yourself using affiliate marketing. 99% of affiliate marketers fail because as a whole, this is a nearly impossible thing to make money on unless you have a ton of traffic. Not only that, but the traffic has to be for that specific thing that you are promoting. Also consider, nearly every source of information about affiliate marketing is not useful because it's provided by people that never made a penny in affiliate marketing. It's just some of the 99% that never made any money that are trying to recoup their losses by pretending like they made it rich and now they wanna share it with you. So, when I say that you should monetize yourself with affiliate marketing, I mean you should go fuck yourself and do something else.
4. Travel to a new country, become a sex worker/drug mule in order to leave. Let's be honest, you didn't make any money on ads, affiliate marketing or freelance services. You did a few freelance jobs for about 15 bucks total. You found out that it's pretty hard to compete with a more qualified candidate for those jobs when they are living in the third world and can bid pennies for the job that you need to receive dollars for. Your affiliate links haven't been clicked a single time. Your ads don't do anything because nobody is going to your site. But you decided to visit Paris on your parent's coin anyway. Assuring them that this will be your big break and that you'll be paying them back in no time. Now you've gotta break the law in order to get back home. Just make sure to keep updating your Instagram with motivational bullshit about how your entire life and perspective is changing due to this powerful experience.
The Answers: How to Become a Chick Magnet in 4 Easy Steps
I'm going to detail all the ways that somebody can attract the maximum number of romantic partners. This is How to Become a Chick Magnet.
1. Be funny all the time. Bust out your Rodney Dangerfield impression at your friend's uncle's funeral. Turn into Don Rickles for your Thanksgiving day toast. Turn into a clown at every moment's notice. Keep paint and makeup for making a clown face on your person at all times. Make the makeup drip so that it looks somewhat like blood. Women love danger and psychosis. If you can wrap both of those in laughter and inappropriate jokes then the chicks will come running.
2. Don't be approachable. Whatever you do, don't smile at anyone. Look like you wear the sleeves of the people who inflicted trauma on you in the past on your sleeves. Like you ripped their sleeves off and now you keep them as trophies. Hunch your body language as though you are trying to protect yourself from an ever impending stabbing. Whip your glaring face around when you are out in public as though you expect there to be government agents coming to abduct you at any minute. I say again, women love danger.
3. Show respect...to nobody. Women, men, children, the elderly and everyone else that might be in existence. Never be polite. When it comes to being mistreated, nobody loves that more than women. You're going to want to be a condescending prick at every opportunity. Whether they are confident and capable of doing whatever they want with their life, you just keep putting them down. Women will stay with this kind of behavior for months, years, they might even marry this kind of shit and stay with it till it literally kills them.
4. No matter what, act like a child. Women do not want a partner that is as mature as they are. They want to take care of you as much as they want to have your kids and then take care of them. When you get sick, make everyone that is in your life aware of that. But mostly, make sure that your woman, and I say that because she does belong to you, is aware that she will be caring for you hand and foot. Even if you only have a sinus infection, find a way to puke in the bed. Women love taking care of kids, so in turn they will love cleaning up your pukey sheets.
If you followed these 4 easy steps then you are no doubt covered up in pussy.
1. Be funny all the time. Bust out your Rodney Dangerfield impression at your friend's uncle's funeral. Turn into Don Rickles for your Thanksgiving day toast. Turn into a clown at every moment's notice. Keep paint and makeup for making a clown face on your person at all times. Make the makeup drip so that it looks somewhat like blood. Women love danger and psychosis. If you can wrap both of those in laughter and inappropriate jokes then the chicks will come running.
2. Don't be approachable. Whatever you do, don't smile at anyone. Look like you wear the sleeves of the people who inflicted trauma on you in the past on your sleeves. Like you ripped their sleeves off and now you keep them as trophies. Hunch your body language as though you are trying to protect yourself from an ever impending stabbing. Whip your glaring face around when you are out in public as though you expect there to be government agents coming to abduct you at any minute. I say again, women love danger.
3. Show respect...to nobody. Women, men, children, the elderly and everyone else that might be in existence. Never be polite. When it comes to being mistreated, nobody loves that more than women. You're going to want to be a condescending prick at every opportunity. Whether they are confident and capable of doing whatever they want with their life, you just keep putting them down. Women will stay with this kind of behavior for months, years, they might even marry this kind of shit and stay with it till it literally kills them.
4. No matter what, act like a child. Women do not want a partner that is as mature as they are. They want to take care of you as much as they want to have your kids and then take care of them. When you get sick, make everyone that is in your life aware of that. But mostly, make sure that your woman, and I say that because she does belong to you, is aware that she will be caring for you hand and foot. Even if you only have a sinus infection, find a way to puke in the bed. Women love taking care of kids, so in turn they will love cleaning up your pukey sheets.
If you followed these 4 easy steps then you are no doubt covered up in pussy.
The Answers: How to Stop Slurping Your Drink
This is a pretty simple how-to. First, you're going to have to make sure that you're not a total piece of shit. Audibly slurping a drink is a move that only the least considerate and moronic among us do. Opening your mouth and dumping drink and/or soup down the whole in your face is more than enough to put you in a position to swallow. There is no need to suck wind like a sentient, vengeful vacuum that hates the dust because it's moved in to the living room to take all the great living room jobs.
Nobody feels like they can tell you that you slurp your drink because it's so fucking obvious that it seems redundant and insulting to you to have to point it out. Make no mistake, you are the problem. This is the sort of behavior that incredibly selfish people put on. The kind that will try to make everyone else sick when they are sick. The kind that will insist on talking about every little aspect of their life with other people in order to vent. We don't wanna hear it!
Although, I am guilty of talking about personal stuff at work. Work is such a mundane and tiresome thing that I have to talk about personal shit or I'll just be so bored I won't be able to stand it. Not stuff like "I fucking hate my dad. UGH! Everything in my life that is bad is his fault!!" More along the lines of reflecting on stories from my past that were funny, crazy, traumatic in some way. The bottom line is that the stories have to be interesting and if they aren't, and I realize that at some point in the story then I'll just say the ending and admit that it was a dumb story. This keeps the flow of the work day conversation going.
The same motherfuckers that are slurping their drinks/soup are the same motherfuckers that well tell a story like this: "I was catching up with a friend of mine that I knew for three years in high school. He and I used to go to the Taco Bell and eat...tacos. I called him the other day and asked him how he's doing and he said that now they've got a Pizza Hut out there. Ain't that something." NO, it's fucking not!
Nobody feels like they can tell you that you slurp your drink because it's so fucking obvious that it seems redundant and insulting to you to have to point it out. Make no mistake, you are the problem. This is the sort of behavior that incredibly selfish people put on. The kind that will try to make everyone else sick when they are sick. The kind that will insist on talking about every little aspect of their life with other people in order to vent. We don't wanna hear it!
Although, I am guilty of talking about personal stuff at work. Work is such a mundane and tiresome thing that I have to talk about personal shit or I'll just be so bored I won't be able to stand it. Not stuff like "I fucking hate my dad. UGH! Everything in my life that is bad is his fault!!" More along the lines of reflecting on stories from my past that were funny, crazy, traumatic in some way. The bottom line is that the stories have to be interesting and if they aren't, and I realize that at some point in the story then I'll just say the ending and admit that it was a dumb story. This keeps the flow of the work day conversation going.
The same motherfuckers that are slurping their drinks/soup are the same motherfuckers that well tell a story like this: "I was catching up with a friend of mine that I knew for three years in high school. He and I used to go to the Taco Bell and eat...tacos. I called him the other day and asked him how he's doing and he said that now they've got a Pizza Hut out there. Ain't that something." NO, it's fucking not!
Jokes: A Stressed Out News Breakdown
Here are some hot and fresh jokes to keep this week of woe and doom somewhat manageable. Try to ignore your petty manager and keep on keeping on!
1. Angry blow up doll explodes under pressure.
2. Protester want police to stop posting wanted images on social media because it is a form of "Public humiliation and bullying." Police chief Chad Lengwall commented that there will be no change in police policy because the comments, which he personally monitors are "pretty fucking hilarious."
3. FDA to remove allergy warning from labels as a population control measure.
4. Some critics of the various major news outlets have criticized the lack of media coverage that the Harvey Weinstein trial is getting. Meanwhile, the Harvey Weinstein trial is proving once and for all that nobody wants to hear about a fat disgusting old rapist.
5. According to reports on my personal Facebook feed, all of China has died to the coronavirus.
6. Viral marketing campaigns are pushing fake cures for the coronavirus that actually spread it according to Panic News Network.
7. The science of climate change has had a couple new names proposed for it. There are some that support the name "Global flood prevention" and others that prefer the name "Building a wetter doomsday."
1. Angry blow up doll explodes under pressure.
2. Protester want police to stop posting wanted images on social media because it is a form of "Public humiliation and bullying." Police chief Chad Lengwall commented that there will be no change in police policy because the comments, which he personally monitors are "pretty fucking hilarious."
3. FDA to remove allergy warning from labels as a population control measure.
4. Some critics of the various major news outlets have criticized the lack of media coverage that the Harvey Weinstein trial is getting. Meanwhile, the Harvey Weinstein trial is proving once and for all that nobody wants to hear about a fat disgusting old rapist.
5. According to reports on my personal Facebook feed, all of China has died to the coronavirus.
6. Viral marketing campaigns are pushing fake cures for the coronavirus that actually spread it according to Panic News Network.
7. The science of climate change has had a couple new names proposed for it. There are some that support the name "Global flood prevention" and others that prefer the name "Building a wetter doomsday."
Jokes: Why do we Think Differently About Funny?
Here are my jokes of the day! Hope you get a big belly laugh from these and share them with your friends. Cheers!
One frustrated parent psychologist recommends being a better parent by being more mindful...of the fact that you are raising a little shit and a future menace to society.
One archaeologist believes there is evidence to suggest that the last Neanderthals died while running for their lives from a group of capitalist cavemen who wanted to talk them into corporate life.
Flights to China are being cancelled en masse due to the presence of the coronavirus. Also experiencing cancellations are the virgin islands and Tokyo. Some believe it's because experienced lovers do not prefer virgins as they are a bit clumsy and fumbling in bed and Tokyo because it's waters are home to Godzilla.
Desperate individuals fighting over Popeye's chicken make the strongest case for eugenics.
Traumatic brain injury found to be the number one way to develop a new personality.
10-12 years of study on any topic has been found to be a waste of a life unless it makes your rich. -your parents.
Judge ruled that the court case where a Tennessee man smoked pot in front of her was "pretty chill."
One frustrated parent psychologist recommends being a better parent by being more mindful...of the fact that you are raising a little shit and a future menace to society.
One archaeologist believes there is evidence to suggest that the last Neanderthals died while running for their lives from a group of capitalist cavemen who wanted to talk them into corporate life.
Flights to China are being cancelled en masse due to the presence of the coronavirus. Also experiencing cancellations are the virgin islands and Tokyo. Some believe it's because experienced lovers do not prefer virgins as they are a bit clumsy and fumbling in bed and Tokyo because it's waters are home to Godzilla.
Desperate individuals fighting over Popeye's chicken make the strongest case for eugenics.
Traumatic brain injury found to be the number one way to develop a new personality.
10-12 years of study on any topic has been found to be a waste of a life unless it makes your rich. -your parents.
Judge ruled that the court case where a Tennessee man smoked pot in front of her was "pretty chill."
Shot Glass Thought: How to Hate What You're Doing
First of all, get a job. If you're young enough that you've never had a job then you will need one. Jobs help you to decide what repetitive misery you can stand without wanting to die. You will have a lot of jobs until you find something that you can actually stand. When that day comes, you'll be ready for the rest of this post. Step 1 after the prerequisite of having a job or a couple jobs is to make a list of all the good and bad things about your job. Then burn all the good things. This is not the space for positivity. We are going to be terrorizing our fellow employees with constant reminders of how miserable we are. If we can't notice a discernible drop in workplace morale every time we make a round through the workplace then we are not succeeding in our mission.
Is there anyone that you like to work with at this job? Visit them 3 times a day and talk at length about how miserable you are. Make sure to revisit topics that you've already talked about. Even if you remember discussing them already, talk about them again. Leave your work friend quietly frustrated at the end of every talk. When it comes time to complain in meetings, never say a word. We don't want real change to take place. We just want to make everyone miserable. If you follow these techniques you'll go from job to job always making the place worse. The next level of nightmare that you can make yourself into is to be really good at your job. When you are actually good at what you're doing but you make everyone miserable, there will be some companies out there that will want you. They don't mind having a miserable, near suicidal workplace as long as the bottom lines are met.
So just keep doing everything that I've described here and you'll be set. There is no way that you won't hate what you're doing if you act the way I've described.
Is there anyone that you like to work with at this job? Visit them 3 times a day and talk at length about how miserable you are. Make sure to revisit topics that you've already talked about. Even if you remember discussing them already, talk about them again. Leave your work friend quietly frustrated at the end of every talk. When it comes time to complain in meetings, never say a word. We don't want real change to take place. We just want to make everyone miserable. If you follow these techniques you'll go from job to job always making the place worse. The next level of nightmare that you can make yourself into is to be really good at your job. When you are actually good at what you're doing but you make everyone miserable, there will be some companies out there that will want you. They don't mind having a miserable, near suicidal workplace as long as the bottom lines are met.
So just keep doing everything that I've described here and you'll be set. There is no way that you won't hate what you're doing if you act the way I've described.
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