Shot Glass Thoughts: Human Experience is Unjust

Societies can always be improved upon. But there will never be a human world where there is perfect equality and justice. It's impossible. The society of wasps that buzz around a nest is far more in tune and equal than what humans will ever accomplish. Some of us are really competitive. Some people are born into circumstances so bad that they are unfathomable. And yet, they still find a way to become billionaires by the end of their lives. Most people that come from those same terrible conditions will die, having led unremarkable and sad lives. But that's just it. If you went far out of your way to change all of the world, you would have led a sad, unremarkable life. The people at the top are going to stay at the top because they are willing and able to do whatever it takes to stay there. I for one, only want to be a master of one thing, getting laughs. If I wanted to be a master of lording over people and piling more money than I could ever spend, then I would try to master that. But I don't want that, and very few other people really want that. The best we can hope for as far as change goes is for more people in underdeveloped countries to get the chance to live like regular people in America. That's it. Forget all the socialist wet dreams of killing the rich and feeding the poor. Anybody who will kill for money is a tyrant or a tyrant in the making.

Shot Glass Thought: Never Agree

I love to disagree. I don't care what the talk is about, I just want to make sure that me and the other person do not agree. I don't want to agree with my bosses, fellow employees, family, friends or strangers. I will not agree unless there is undeniable evidence or in the case that I really find no fault with what is being said. But in all other cases, I am looking for a way to disagree. Because most people like to be pacified. Everybody likes to be warm and welcoming and everything these days is about acceptance and caring. Fuck that. What I like is achievement and developing your most important skills. Like for me, pretty much all I work on is my bar knowledge and comedy. I practice, read and study in both and am always trying to improve. The other thing that is important to me is wisdom. But that rarely comes up in a direct way. I'm also not prone to going around trying to prove my wisdom in the same way that I work as a bartender and I write and perform comedy. Wisdom is the kind of thing that grows and develops behind the scenes. One of the things that wisdom tells me to not be liked by everyone. Don't try to be it, don't work for it, and don't agree all the time. It's not always wise to listen to what someone else says and to agree with it. Of course it's not always wise to disagree all the time. But I don't disagree all the time, I just disagree most of the time. So anyway, whatever your thoughts are on this post, hit me up in the comments and lets argue about it. 

Jokes: 6 One Liners That I Haven't Tried Yet

I will take Buddha's meditation advice and I am already on his workout regimen.

I don't care for self help books, I prefer manic depressive tutorials instead.

I am more embarrassed to laugh in public by myself than some people are to masturbate in public.

Friends that aren't there for you when you need them were never friends. They were enemies waiting for the chance to stab you. They watch your every move and they pretend to love you...every time it happens the same way. I heard this from.... my toaster...and I've never seen evidence to the contrary.

Orange juice and ginger ale is the best and easiest punch that I make for 1 person...me.

I try to look as unapproachable as possible when I am not at work. I suppose I am an introvert, but I'm mostly trying to stay away from people on the sidewalk... taking surveys.

Six of my new one liners. I wanted to try something different. Let me know what you think.

Short Funny Stories: Randomized Musings

I listened to a horror story where the main character got sick and then his whole body rotted off of him. He raked his flesh off and had all kinds of craziness going on. Made me sick more than anything. I had never had a piece of media make me literally gag, but that story in particular got me there.

 If I've ever flown a WW2 bomber in a piece of entertainment in order to destroy the Nazi's, then I've surely also ate pizza bites to the point of satisfied gluttony. All that to say, I like to waste time. Video games, laziness, books for entertainment. I like to waste time. But it's only time wasting if you don't learn something from it. I have learned that if I budget some time out for enjoying these hobbies, then I'll be able to produce way more professionally. But if I do too much in the way of hobbies, then I'll be miserable. So it's best to keep learning in life. It's pretty much the biggest key.

I've been reading the book version of The Shining. Honestly, I don't buy the idea that King had a masterpiece and then Kubrick changed everything around to make a decent movie. King had a decent horror novel that lacked in plausibility. Kubrick made a masterpiece out of that. Jack in the book seems to be a character that we are supposed to be sympathetic to, but I just don't buy it. He hurt his kid and then thrashed the student. The story lacks the subtlety and dread that the movie conveys. Jack isn't sympathetic in the movie, he's just a total madman that we watch lose his shit. That Jack Torrance is the one I can believe in.

Shot Glass Thought: Psilocybin Tested

So they've found out that in controlled settings, with the help of a doctor, you can have a therapeutic response to shrooms. Which probably makes sense to anyone with any sense. I heard so, so many times from older morons about the days when they were younger morons about how you could "Take a trip on that shit and...never come back." Yeah, I imagine so, when you've already gotten nearly black out drunk, smoked enough weed to consume an entire factory of Doritos and received a limp blowjob from desperate skank in a desperate house, taking shrooms might not be the best idea. I'm saying it was never meant to be a party drug.

Shot Glass Thought: Too Relatable

I'm pretty much over the super relatable issues that our movie characters go through. I think I'm going to start walking out of movies and turning off shows the second that they introduce a cancer sub plot. I don't need entertainment to be a reminder of my past grief. That's not entertaining, it's the prelude to a therapy session. I don't go to therapy anymore so the whole thing is a great big emotional waste. I don't like superhero movies but I did like Deadpool. That was one movie where the cancer didn't rake hot coals across my heart. At least John Wick had the courtesy to not tell us what Wick's wife was dying of. It was probably cancer, I don't know, but I would rather not know.

Comedy Story: They Are All Shit

I want the US government to continue to shit itself on the national stage until they finally just give up and start bringing in people with actual solutions. Trump can get impeached, I don't care. Hilary can go to jail, I don't care. I would be happy if both of those things happened and also, Michael Jackson raped all those kids.

Fuck the news and fuck all the people that soak it in and worry about tomorrow. None of that shit matters. A complete moron and a stooge like Trump is proof that the position of president doesn't mean anything. If he argued with me on this point he'd come up with a marketing slogan for my least appealing factors and then steam roll me in front of a rabid crowd of supporters. My slogan might be "Austin in his college apartment, no degree." Or "Undergraduate Austin at age 30." Jokes on you cocksucker I ain't going back to college.

Bill Clinton and his side bitch killed all those people. Doesn't matter what they say or what anybody says. I believe only the worst about our stupid fucking leaders. What a joke. Why can't ultra powerful public figures have the same suicidal tendencies that our 15 year olds have today.

For all of those cunts that are suing Trump for sticking his hand in the clam all uninvited, why can't one of you have been carrying a gun? Are there no NRA members among the high profile whores of the world? I would think of all the people in the world, that group should have as good a justification for owning a gun as anybody.

Bill Cosby drugged and raped all those bitches too. Nobody that is in the public eye is any good. Except Anthony Hopkins, nobody can fault that man. He's literally untouchable and if you find evidence to the contrary then don't link it to me as that would obliterate my whole world. Honestly, I would vote for Anthony Hopkins to be president because I'm no better than anybody else that makes a hero out of somebody that they don't know. I know that he couldn't fix all my problems but he would at least lend some dignity to the position. He'd act like a great president at the very least. (Yes the act part was a pun and I laughed out loud at it when I wrote it.)

America will always be the land of the free, home of the brave. No matter how many idiots are out there trying to make it look bad. I love this country but I don't love it's figures. I love the motherfucking truck drivers, the geologists and the nurses and even the fucking lawyers. But I don't want even one more second of my life to go to waste having to listen to how great some public figure is when we know they are all shit. Because they are all shit. But not Hopkins.