Anything that tells you that it will help you "stay younger for longer" is total bullshit. If you sit fruit on a table and just revisit it ever so often over the next few weeks, you'll see a perfect example of why attempting to stay young is pointless. Because fruit, like motherfuckers, gets old.
Motherfuckers, of which I and all my friends surely are, get old. This is one of our most simple truths. This is one of the reasons why everyone needs a childhood pet. You love the guy, take care of her as best you can and then one day your dad carelessly crushes her under his truck. My personal trauma aside, you learn that as the years go by it gets harder and harder for the old girl to dodge your idiot father's truck. There are things that we could have done to keep her old bones more limber, but basically my dad needed to care enough to slow the fuck down and look around from time to time. If you ask someone to give a fuck, when they obviously care about nothing, you're just wasting your time....and then burying your dog.
Beauty products are bullshit with bullshit marketing and bullshit ingredients and they tell you to smear the bullshit all over your face and body. The only thing you need is some basic lotion and you use it ever so often or as needed. You shouldn't look young when you are not young. If you're old as shit, you should be fucking people that are old as shit. You don't have anything in common with younger people. And younger people should fuck young people. You don't have anything in common with old people. You could relate to how they love how much money they have and how you would love to share in that love, but you are young and they are not. To the young and the old crowd, Don't fuck each other, it's fucking weird!
I read some bullshit about how if you walk faster you will retain your mind and health better as you get older. My grandmother blitzed around at a break neck pace for an old lady. That was before Alzheimers destroyed her mind. She ate healthy her whole life and stayed active too. And yet, no dice. She got old. Motherfuckers, of which my dear Mammaw was not one, get old. But sweet little fleet footed ladies get old too.
So that was it for the comedy story. I know this is a little shorter than usual for a comedy story but I think it's a complete enough piece. Complete in that when I was asking myself where else should I go with this topic, I came to the conclusion that there wasn't any other avenue that I wanted to explore. Maybe I should never make that conclusion and should have a standard measure for my different types of content. Let me know what you think about that in the comments. I love to keep the spirit of experimentation in my work.
Short Funny Story: TMI
There is too much information available today for you to trust information. I already don't trust people so this adjustment was easy for me to make. There is such much shit to read online that if you spent the rest of your life reading without a break, you'd never scratch the surface of all there is to read. Some day we will have computer enhancements for our brains and we'll be able to just download every bit of relevant information on our chosen topic and we'll go on from there. For most people, that topic will be mostly about vaginas. How to get oneself into them, where they can be found yada yada. My point is that even then, we still won't know all there has been written because there is just too much of it for anyone to carry around.
I don't click on any link that implies that the content is going to be a numbered list unless it's a comedy site. If the numbered list thing helps you to sell your great comedy then have at it. I suppose I could give it a try on this site too, but I find the format nauseating and annoying. Not reading something because it is a numbered list featuring a couple of the old "one weird tricks" and "you won't believe number 5" a good call. You have to spend your time wisely on this Earth. Don't waste the time that you could have spent on learning the Socratic method on flipping through endless tabs about how to apply makeup or how to interpret the meaning of a text from your crush.
Have you ever taken a moment to just sit back and wonder about the nature of a world where we can ask a computer a question and it will give us back millions of responses? When I do just that, all I think is "man, I should really just go fuck myself." Nah not really, that's not what I think. I actually wonder how much of that information is actually useful. I'd wager that almost none of it is actually worth something. Worth in the sense that absorbing it would make your life better somehow.
I only trust information that I have paid for. I only trust people that will work for money. I have never learned anything all that useful about bar stuff just from googling it. I have gained every meaningful bit of expertise that I have from reading books and experiencing the trade first hand. I have never had anyone do me a favor that didn't cost me more in the end then it was ever worth to begin with. I'm saying don't let anyone do anything for free. If they won't accept your money, then they don't intend to do a good job. That or they don't think that they can do a good job.
Maybe none of what I've written here resonates with you. Maybe you think my approach is lame and archaic. That's good, all well and good. Keep doing what you do and I'll keep doing what I do. I'm in no position to advise anyone. Taking advice from someone as unsuccessful as me is like building your modern day battleship to the specifications of the viking engineers from a thousand years ago. It might work, but let's not try risk it all for a theory.
I don't click on any link that implies that the content is going to be a numbered list unless it's a comedy site. If the numbered list thing helps you to sell your great comedy then have at it. I suppose I could give it a try on this site too, but I find the format nauseating and annoying. Not reading something because it is a numbered list featuring a couple of the old "one weird tricks" and "you won't believe number 5" a good call. You have to spend your time wisely on this Earth. Don't waste the time that you could have spent on learning the Socratic method on flipping through endless tabs about how to apply makeup or how to interpret the meaning of a text from your crush.
Have you ever taken a moment to just sit back and wonder about the nature of a world where we can ask a computer a question and it will give us back millions of responses? When I do just that, all I think is "man, I should really just go fuck myself." Nah not really, that's not what I think. I actually wonder how much of that information is actually useful. I'd wager that almost none of it is actually worth something. Worth in the sense that absorbing it would make your life better somehow.
I only trust information that I have paid for. I only trust people that will work for money. I have never learned anything all that useful about bar stuff just from googling it. I have gained every meaningful bit of expertise that I have from reading books and experiencing the trade first hand. I have never had anyone do me a favor that didn't cost me more in the end then it was ever worth to begin with. I'm saying don't let anyone do anything for free. If they won't accept your money, then they don't intend to do a good job. That or they don't think that they can do a good job.
Maybe none of what I've written here resonates with you. Maybe you think my approach is lame and archaic. That's good, all well and good. Keep doing what you do and I'll keep doing what I do. I'm in no position to advise anyone. Taking advice from someone as unsuccessful as me is like building your modern day battleship to the specifications of the viking engineers from a thousand years ago. It might work, but let's not try risk it all for a theory.
Shot Glass Thought: Getting Noticed
It's an awkward time any time that you lock eyes with someone in traffic that is clearly picking their nose. As an aside, if you're in public, someone is always watching. Never pick your nose anywhere in public. Somebody is going to see you for the nasty freak that you really are. But back to the locking of eyes during a weird moment in traffic. You have to ask yourself as the person that spots the picking, "Do I want to be a normal person?" If yes the just pretend like you didn't see it and look away. If your answer was, "Nah I think I'll be a total fucking freak!"Then you should writhe your body in feigned sexual bliss and mouth the words "ooohhh baby" over and over again. There's a good chance that they will be disturbed, but you did create a memorable experience for them. And you'll never be able to say that nobody has ever noticed you.
Shot Glass Thought: Total Immersion
So you're playing your favorite video game. The game is Resident Evil 4 because you're not a chode and you like good games. The game stops addressing Leon, your beloved protagonist and starts addressing you, the non chode that you are. The game honest to God stops addressing Leon and asks you, Marcus/Martha how your work day was. Well if this is your real life, then you probably just need to see a doctor about some anti-psychotics. But what if games and the characters therein could just interact with you and know you on that level. At any moment they could just get out of character and have a smoke break with you. That would be amazing. I think that we already play that sequence out sometimes in our heads when we are playing our favorite games. If Krauser wanted to smoke a virtual doobie with me then I most certainly would put our knife fight on hold so that we could roll one up. That's the level of immersion that will draw me back into video games. I won't buy a new console for myself until we hit that level.
Book Review: The Power of Your Subconscious Mind (1963)
Book starts out by telling us that there is an infinite amount of riches just around the corner for all of us if we just hang in there and read the rest of the book. So already the book is a con and knows it's a con and is hoping that we don't know that it is a con.
Book rambles for a few paragraphs about how some dude who lost his arm, lost his arm because of the "flow of his thoughts." If thoughts made that much of a difference then everyone that ever cut me off in traffic would have died horribly and I would be a mass murdering psychic. A guy if you cut him off he'll use his powers to make you steer your car into the nearest concrete wall at top speed. I think everyone that drives would also be that same character. So this is horseshit, that's what I'm getting at.
There was a brief example about how the same suggestion could merit two wildly different responses depending on who you make the suggestions to. Well yeah, haven't you ever yelled "Suck my dick!" at a group of murderous dudes on the street corner as you drive by? They don't give the same exact reaction as when you yell it down the hallway at the nursing home.
The book points out that through the power of suggestion ancient healers were able to convince people that they weren't sick anymore by putting them through nightmarish rituals. Maybe you could consider that a healing if they forget about their aches and pains, but how do you heal the trauma associated with having minced squirrel guts and lizard tongues muddled with assorted wild berries and then smeared all over your body by a chanting mad man?
There is an example of a lady that wanted a Cadillac car. So she follows the mumbo jumbo from the book about how to imagine you are in the car until you have it. Sure enough she ends up with her uncle's Cadillac car. The uncle passed away and left it to her in his will. So either this was just an unfortunate incident, or her thoughts literally killed her uncle. Since this book wants you to believe in magic, I'm going to say that her thoughts killed her uncle for his car.
There's some marriage advice in here as well. For the nagging wife it recommends that you praise her for her positive points and show her more attention. I think that you should just imagine having the whole bed to yourself each night and your thought will force her car off a cliff with her in it. It worked really well for the Cadillac lady.
Book rambles for a few paragraphs about how some dude who lost his arm, lost his arm because of the "flow of his thoughts." If thoughts made that much of a difference then everyone that ever cut me off in traffic would have died horribly and I would be a mass murdering psychic. A guy if you cut him off he'll use his powers to make you steer your car into the nearest concrete wall at top speed. I think everyone that drives would also be that same character. So this is horseshit, that's what I'm getting at.
There was a brief example about how the same suggestion could merit two wildly different responses depending on who you make the suggestions to. Well yeah, haven't you ever yelled "Suck my dick!" at a group of murderous dudes on the street corner as you drive by? They don't give the same exact reaction as when you yell it down the hallway at the nursing home.
The book points out that through the power of suggestion ancient healers were able to convince people that they weren't sick anymore by putting them through nightmarish rituals. Maybe you could consider that a healing if they forget about their aches and pains, but how do you heal the trauma associated with having minced squirrel guts and lizard tongues muddled with assorted wild berries and then smeared all over your body by a chanting mad man?
There is an example of a lady that wanted a Cadillac car. So she follows the mumbo jumbo from the book about how to imagine you are in the car until you have it. Sure enough she ends up with her uncle's Cadillac car. The uncle passed away and left it to her in his will. So either this was just an unfortunate incident, or her thoughts literally killed her uncle. Since this book wants you to believe in magic, I'm going to say that her thoughts killed her uncle for his car.
There's some marriage advice in here as well. For the nagging wife it recommends that you praise her for her positive points and show her more attention. I think that you should just imagine having the whole bed to yourself each night and your thought will force her car off a cliff with her in it. It worked really well for the Cadillac lady.
Comedy Story: Just Having A Drink
Having a drink is the kind of thing that can take you from easy going to ruined in only a couple of hours. If you don't believe me then get drunk like you did at your high school parties at a casino. You will be homeless, unemployed and performing sexual favors for a living before the end of the week. I might be over exaggerating or fear mongering. But are you really willing to take that chance just so you can call me a bullshitter? Everyone calls me that anyway and they don't have to reduce their lives to ashes.
Alcohol is a psychoactive, addictive drug that can ruin your life. Drinking until you blackout night after night is not living it up.... okay well it sort of is. But waking up in urine is not living it up. If you passed out outside, then someone besides you might have pissed all over you. Not exactly glamorous eh?
Alcohol is too well integrated into our culture and society for it to be done away with. It shouldn't be done away with either. It is amazing! It's amazing for those that don't get addicted to it. It's pretty much the ultimate relaxer. If you work, and we all do, well even if you don't work, alcohol can make you think that there is nothing wrong with your life. No matter who you are, there are so many things wrong with you. You might be the finest used car salesman in Mississippi but if you can't get off with having your wife viciously stomp your ballbag then you still have something to work on.
Alcohol is a drug that frees you from your inhibitions and anxieties. That is until they come racing back at you much harder than you ever planned for or imagined. The anxiety that you'll experience as you sober up from your all day, all night bender will make you pine for death. But Death is a mother fucker and he won't kill your dumbass, he'll just let you wreck your 98 honda civic into a family of five......five goats after you smash through a wooden enclosure. I was going to end that after the first five but I don't want to write something that ruins the rest of my day. Just couldn't sell myself on the comedic value of a real life tragedy that happens all the time. If you are one of those animal freaks that thinks that smashing the goat family is just as tragic then go fuck yourself. Goats ain't shit man.
Hangovers are the sure sign that what you did the day before wasn't good for you. Sometimes a hangover can be so bad that it will make you think that you might be dying. And yet, alcohol is so amazing that most people will get right back into the saddle at the very next opportunity. Abusing alcohol is like making love to an alien that is more powerful than you and you know that it is destroying you but you don't mind because it's so intoxicatingly good. By alien I mean you drunk fucked some psychotic bitch at an anime convention that your nerdy friends asked you to come too. Now you need a new phone number and a new place to live because this bitch was expecting something a little more long term. You also have to spend most of an afternoon blocking her on all forms of social media.
I stopped drinking for 9 months. I stopped because I needed too and I started back at it because I again felt like I needed to. I've been told numerous times that confessing these two facts are signs that I have a problem. I think the only problem is that I told people those two facts in the first place. As long as it stays with me, nobody will notice me staggering around work and all the inventory shortages from the liquor closet.
Alcohol is a psychoactive, addictive drug that can ruin your life. Drinking until you blackout night after night is not living it up.... okay well it sort of is. But waking up in urine is not living it up. If you passed out outside, then someone besides you might have pissed all over you. Not exactly glamorous eh?
Alcohol is too well integrated into our culture and society for it to be done away with. It shouldn't be done away with either. It is amazing! It's amazing for those that don't get addicted to it. It's pretty much the ultimate relaxer. If you work, and we all do, well even if you don't work, alcohol can make you think that there is nothing wrong with your life. No matter who you are, there are so many things wrong with you. You might be the finest used car salesman in Mississippi but if you can't get off with having your wife viciously stomp your ballbag then you still have something to work on.
Alcohol is a drug that frees you from your inhibitions and anxieties. That is until they come racing back at you much harder than you ever planned for or imagined. The anxiety that you'll experience as you sober up from your all day, all night bender will make you pine for death. But Death is a mother fucker and he won't kill your dumbass, he'll just let you wreck your 98 honda civic into a family of five......five goats after you smash through a wooden enclosure. I was going to end that after the first five but I don't want to write something that ruins the rest of my day. Just couldn't sell myself on the comedic value of a real life tragedy that happens all the time. If you are one of those animal freaks that thinks that smashing the goat family is just as tragic then go fuck yourself. Goats ain't shit man.
Hangovers are the sure sign that what you did the day before wasn't good for you. Sometimes a hangover can be so bad that it will make you think that you might be dying. And yet, alcohol is so amazing that most people will get right back into the saddle at the very next opportunity. Abusing alcohol is like making love to an alien that is more powerful than you and you know that it is destroying you but you don't mind because it's so intoxicatingly good. By alien I mean you drunk fucked some psychotic bitch at an anime convention that your nerdy friends asked you to come too. Now you need a new phone number and a new place to live because this bitch was expecting something a little more long term. You also have to spend most of an afternoon blocking her on all forms of social media.
I stopped drinking for 9 months. I stopped because I needed too and I started back at it because I again felt like I needed to. I've been told numerous times that confessing these two facts are signs that I have a problem. I think the only problem is that I told people those two facts in the first place. As long as it stays with me, nobody will notice me staggering around work and all the inventory shortages from the liquor closet.
Shot Glass Thought: Secret Tablets in My Cocktail Shaker
What if one day while shaking a cocktail up I cease to hear any ice and drink crashing around the tins and instead hear the clinkling of a few tablets in there. When I break the tins and dump out the contents, 3 tablets fall out. Now obviously if this really happened I would be having some kind of psychotic episode and the reality would be that I had just awkwardly dumped someone's drink all over the bar. But for contemplation's sake, let's say that it really does play out like I've described. Would you take one of those pills? Would you take all of them? Would you take them all on separate occasions? Would you just show them to your manager and hope that they have some understanding? I would store the pills away and then take them all on separate occasions, come what may. I would remake the drink and send it out as quickly as possible. Just something to think about, tell me what you all would do in that situation.
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