Comedy Story: You Don't Get Sculpture

A lot of people think they understand sculpture or the arts in general. But if you really boil it down, almost nobody does. The page that I'm going to link to at the bottom of this post will create reactions in people that will vary mostly from "What a waste of tax payer dollars" to "What does all this weird shit mean?". Another favorite of wannabe art critics is to point out that the sculpture of today looks nothing like the stuff that they studied in their one mandatory art history class. You might think that learning about art is as simple as "This one here is purty, this'n over here ain't too purty and I think they said it was about vaginas or something."

Diving into the world of art is like going through puberty a second time, only just mentally this time. You'll experience so many things that you thought were impossible and the world will have a vivacity to it that you never knew it could have. But you will still hate things about it and run into a ton of frustration. For me that frustration was the constant awkward boners. Had that problem in art class and puberty. Hmmm...anyway.

Everyone is allowed to have an opinion on the arts, even though it's a subject much too deep for most to even have an ice cube's chance in hell at fully grasping. Yes please do inform the artists of how decayed and worthless their life's work is in comparison to things that you don't fully understand. Michelangelo's David is more than just really realistic. There were thousands of choices to be made by the artist when bringing that piece into existence. The realism was the measure of skill from that day, not the end all be all standard for every sculpture there after. Let's try to appreciate the artists of our own day, a day when you can be mugged walking out of a Pizza Hut. They are trying to beautify and speak to the human experience in a world such as this. It was no easier in the old days, but that doesn't make it any less depressing.  

You can study art history, make and sell your own art and curate a museum and still not have a total understanding of the art world. Sculpture by itself is plenty complex enough, as most people when they look at sculpture today will only say "That looks weird man." I get as uncomfortable listening to people rant about the state of art today as I did when Allegiant airlines flew me over the sea for a bit. Planes are supposed to have turbulence, but on there I felt like I would be soon feeling the motion of the ocean. But probably only the cataclysm of the crash.   

The truth is, weird is the reaction of the uniformed. I don't know anything about being a woman, so when they complain about "woman only" issues at work I just tune out. Because my dick doesn't bleed and my stomach doesn't carry human beings. It barely carries what I've just ate if I have to listen to very much "woman only" talk.  

Sculpture has moved passed the days of Michelangelo. Sure, he will always be the definitive sculptor. But is it really rational for all sculptors from now until infinity to just try and replicate his work? When you say that the art of today is not as good as yester year, you're saying that you want to witness a lifetime of cheap imitations. This is a world where you can buy anything anywhere. You can purchase pineapples probably by the thousands on Ebay. The art of the day should reflect that oddity in some way.  

Cities should spend more money on sculptures, ambitious and inspiring projects that would beautify the cities and symbolize the power and culture of the city. All of that new work should be new work, creations that tell the story of who we were at that time. We don't want to tell the story of Renaissance Italy in Birmingham Alabama.

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The link that I mentioned earlier: https://www.lowellsun.com/2019/09/17/this-sculpture-is-a-testament-of-the-citys-enduring-commitment-to-the-arts/

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Shot Glass Thoughts: Shopping, Full of Distractions

Sometimes you have to go shopping, it's a fact of life. I can't grow a garden that would support me at all. I am capable of growing no successful gardens, but certainly not in my studio apartment. So I have to go shopping in order to keep stocked on everything that I use. My only real problem with shopping is that I never know when to go. I hate crowded busy people. Why the fuck are you in such a rush to buy mozzarella sticks, habenero peppers and two gallons of soy milk? Slow the fuck down and chill the fuck out.

But shopping in America, the only place I've ever shopped, is at least somewhat interesting for someone as easily distracted as me. I am the guy that might stop at the store and tell the other people in the car "I just gotta go grab some chicken, I'll make it quick." Then 37 minutes and 5 missed calls later I come back outside with chicken, a world war 2 simulator and tacky window blinds. I'll be thinking that the people in the car will be very impressed with the irony of my tacky blinds when actually they suffocated from the heat in the car.

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Shot Glass Thoughts: BK, Not a Fan

Burger King is unfortunately a place that has employees. Without employees, the place couldn't exist, and that would be better for everyone. Finding that a town has a BK is like going to the edge of the galaxy and finding a previously unknown Earthlike planet. But when you check the place out, the inhabitants are having a nuclear war. Burger King is nuclear war!

Working at BK is the last option for everyone that is working there. It's the sort of soulless crap that people have to do to get by. When a job exists and it isn't anyone's dream job, then it's some awful shit. I'd rather write ten thousand pages of engineering notes while programming the operating system for the first quantum computer than to go back inside and smell the misery of a BK. To demonstrate my math competency, allow me to tell you that I usually wrote poetry in all my math classes in school, but only when I wasn't falling asleep. 

I knew a guy that was so ashamed of his time at BK that he was embarrassed to meet with his friends. Okay yeah that guy was me. I would feel more comfortable in a dark room full of lit candles and chanting weirdos than I would in the inside of a BK. After all, I've been to church all my life.

That being said, I'll probably have a few more Bacon Kings before the end of my days. I am perfectly capable of making them for myself, but the assembly process is so filled with bad decisions that it's hard to commit to making one. Anyway, this is a new kind of content I'll be doing. Shot glass sized thoughts, where I do a quick take on something. Let me know if you like it, I'll probably keep doing it either way.

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I still play this game, and I still love these videos: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSQD1VxmVD8

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Movie Review: The Diabolical (2015)

This is a pretty dumb horror movie where a psychopathic child and his clueless mother wonder around their haunted house trying to pretend like the little sister/daughter won't need therapy for the rest of her life. The house they live in is exactly the kind of place that I would prefer to watch Godzilla step on. But I watched this movie instead for some reason.

I don't like writing that has kids seem more evil than they are. The kid that gets badly beat up by the psycho that we are supposed to be rooting for says a bunch of stuff that kids never say. Sure he was a bully but I don't approve of any sort of violence towards children. Who's fault is it that I have to endure that in a movie? The jack ass that wrote the story. Thanks a lot dude, hope they forced you to write this mess and it wasn't a passion project.

I think the movie symbolizes how it can sometimes feel to be a single parent trying to make it in life. It's hard and there are constant worries and pressures. That's a pretty good subtext for a horror movie. But the movie doesn't match the subtext in quality. Showing us that you know how to pen down a good subtext but then showing us that you don't know how to make a good movie around it is like showing us your research on the effects of porn and then expecting us all to care. People like to get a nut and your movie is not that nut.

None of the movie is believable. Sometimes the monsters, which have a twist, but not a great one, just disappear and reappear out of nowhere. They have undefined powers and abilities so it's hard to know just how afraid we should be of them. The movie makes it's relatively short run time feel really long too. I'm sure if you saw it in theaters you probably felt like you had been robbed of your 20$ you spent on the whole evening. Except this robber hangs around to bite off the tip of your index finger as their calling card. 

I didn't feel anything in this movie. I thought the character writing was a complete failure. The visuals of the monsters were pretty good at times. The did imply am intensity even if I didn't care if they ate the family or not. Watching this movie for scares is like going out with your friends to play ultimate Frisbee right before a hurricane makes landfall. It's futile.

This movie wasn't fun for me, but I would recommend it to someone that wants to get into horror but is afraid of being too scared. This movie would blend perfectly with that demographic. If making your first dive into horror is big life change for you then you would probably also consider deleting all the unread emails in your inbox a day's work. But I'm not here to criticize you am I? The movie is currently on Netflix if you want to check it out.

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Comedy Story: Suicide Letter Company

I want to be remembered for creating a company that writes suicide letters for people that want to kill themselves. Maybe that last sentence was the ultimate capitalist puke that drives so many people crazy nowadays. But I think a world of convenience and innovation is something that we could all stand to benefit from. We could provide a deluxe package where we tell your family that you're going on a skiing vacation when really you are going to wonder off and get eaten by a yeti. That service is ready right now, we know where the yeti are!

If you want to die by your own hand, then you probably don't want to wait too much longer. Why deal with the hassle of hastily penning your own suicide letter when my company can do it for you? Let's say that you are a proud young writer that tries out his new manuscript. After sending it to hundreds of publishing companies, the only person that likes it is an illiterate man on the street that you read it too. Then you paid him for his time. So that's not the worst thing that could happen to anybody, but it might be the worst thing that could happen to you. Don't hang around and explain it to your family, let us do that for you!

People are going to kill themselves anyway, why let this untapped market go to waste? I might as well be the one to get rich off of this most human of human suffering. Let's say that some radiant woman at work talked to you for five minutes one day. You wonder if she'll ever find out that you hacked her webcam and have been watching her spoon with her dog the last five months. You've also been watching her masturbate. You know you have. We know, and you know and now she should know. But you don't have to be around for that.

Sure you might be thinking: "How is this ethical? How can one person be so callused? What level of greed makes a man the way that the one I am reading is?" Making friends with me is like planning on going out on the town but then realizing once you're already in the city that you forgot your ruffies. Actually I don't know how those two things are related but I'd better remember to take my ruffies out on the town with me tonight. Okay that's not really believable, I never go out on the town.

Suicide is devastating, but the less time spent on penning a goodbye note, the quicker your family can find you. This means the grieving process will begin and end much sooner than what we're all used to. So if business is bad and you want to fly, don't waste your time on affirmations and thinking positively super hard about it. Just fill out one of our forms and then fly right out of the window of your penthouse apartment.

As someone who has wanted, and deserved to die in the past, I think I speak for everyone that reads my work when I say: I won't be missed. But for the rest of those out there that do mean something to someone, don't do it! Don't give my business a reason to exist. I don't want to develop goodbye note templates and all that such nonsense. I want families to stay together and for us to all laugh and smile. Whatever it is that's got you feeling hopeless, it won't last forever. Unlike how much the people at my work can't stand me, that is eternal.

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This is the suicide hotline phone number: 1-800-273-8255

This is their website: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

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Video Game Review: Far Cry: Vengeance Wii (2006)

Okay let me get a few things out of the way. This game looks terrible, the sound is terrible, the game play is repetitive and most of what you've heard about it is true. It is a bad game. Having this game stored away in your house is like having a secret room in your basement where all you do is slowly mash your thumb into the sharp end of thumb tacks. It's a strange thing to do for fun is all I'm saying.

That being said, the only important factor in games is having fun. I will likely repeat that again somewhere else. I never got into rhythm games because I didn't think they were fun. Mostly because I didn't have anyone to play them with, because I am not fun. I had a good deal of fun playing this terrible game, and it didn't cost me much. It's not my new favorite game or something like that. That would be like if I went soul searching for a purpose in life and decided to play darts professionally. Except Far Cry: Vengeance is a way better time than darts.

So I already told you the game was bad and that means that you shouldn't play it right? Wrong. I think everyone that has a Wii and likes shooters should try this game out once. It is actually fun if you come into it just wanting to point and shoot. Yes there are plenty of other games out there and the Wii is old as shit anyway. Most of you already sold yours anyway. I'm not recommending that you buy it back just to play this mess, but if you still have the console, this would not be a bad pickup. Deciding to ignore critics and to just play games for purely for the experience of playing games is a liberating experience. It's like going on a walk in your neighborhood and then stumbling onto ancient Mayan ruins. Maybe other people knew they were there, but you didn't and now you've experience them for yourself. It's exciting and reminds me of being a kid again.

The key to playing and enjoying any Wii shooter is to understand that you aren't really waving a gun and knife around or whatever the game has. You are propping your arm with the Wii mote on your leg or the arm of a comfortable chair. This method will allow for accurate rooty tooty point and shooty. This technique will make you feel like you have the arcade at your place. The arcade is fun, so Far Cry: Vengeance is fun. I was in one of the sections where you shoot a bunch of guys as they run at you, and it wasn't hard at all. The difficulty is pretty low. But you are still a guy with a machine gun, gunning down endless numbers of standard bad guys. I just really enjoy that as a concept I guess. In a world where people will kill each other for attention, I just want a peanut butter and banana sandwich. Far Cry: Vengeance is not quite good enough for me to add the banana to the equation but is a solid peanut butter sandwich in it's own right.

Having the arcade at my place is the whole reason why I never really moved on from the Wii. I never really moved on from a lot of things including the few unlucky girls that have loved me. So that makes me a lonely grown man playing with something intended for a child while hoping for a call to come from more successful and more talented women that I basically swindled into bed once upon a time. It might seem like I have a really negative outlook on things but that's just because I do. Getting to know me is like starting a new job and then remembering how much you hate work.

The main character and the story exist in Far Cry: Vengeance and that's about it. I haven't been paying attention to the that because that isn't what the experience is about for me. But it is pretty funny to see a game try the minimum amount to convey a story to us, the players. The protagonist is douchie and lame and I had a great time laughing at him and the super evil guy that we are supposed to be desperate to defeat. There is a broad in the story too, but whatever you know. Last pro tip for your sanity, do not try to zoom in with the scope of the sniper rifle. It will not go well. Just rename this game in your head to machine gun man the game.

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Book Review: The Dancing Wu Li Masters (1979)

So this book was recommended to me by an old hippie couple back when I was playing Bioshock Infinite. Bioshock Infinite opened my eyes to the wild world of quantum mechanics and so I asked around if anybody knew anybody that could tell me more about the subject. Eventually I was drinking at a bar, which is a common thread in my stories, and found myself blabbing about it the aforementioned hippie couple. They told me that reading this book would expand my mind. Well it fucking didn't, and the only thing that it could expand is your ability to tolerate total bullshit.

If you're trying to decide what book you want to read and this is the most appealing option that you have at your disposal, then all you're deciding is which cooking oil to use when you burn your house down. This book is the Laura Lynn vegetable oil of books. Your brain is the house bursting into flames.  

The book calls scientists "technicians" and says that they are essentially not interested in anything new. Only in applying what is already known. That is simply false. After Francis Bacon and the scientific method, the world becomes bearable from a technological standpoint. Science and scientist are the human part of creating things that are useful, creative and progressive for humanity. I don't care if anyone disagrees. I would rather have an AC unit over an oil painting any day of the week. I say that while still loving art, a huge part of my heart will always be owned by art, but c'mon, at some point we gotta just tell the truth. 

As far as I could tell, the book was trying to convince us that the secret to understanding quantum mechanics was to return to spiritualism. That should be a setup and punchline all on it's own but I'll keep going anyway. I would rather build a safety net out of shoe strings and free fall into it off of a sky scraper before I would ever consult a shaman/preacher over a doctor. For me, that's what a return to spiritualism is all about. I don't trust anyone to do anything right, but a it's a lot harder to be a crappy doctor than it is to be a great shaman/preacher.  

I was a bit pissed once I got into the book and realized that the hippie couple must have thought that I am the dumbest guy in the world. Elsewise, how could this book expand your mind? I guess it did help me to visualize some pretty interesting stuff. I remember losing interest in the passage I was reading mid sentence and imagining what the grand canyon would like if it was completely filled to the brim with soccer balls. That was a neat bit of fantasy to enjoy. 

I'll be honest with you, when it comes to books, movies and games I really only have one criteria, was this fun? I did have fun reading this book. The math, experiments and psychic mysteries that the book included are too complicated for me because I am too easily distracted. I don't think this book will expand your mind or help you understand quantum mechanics. But it was fun to read and I now have the memory of it to reference when talking to friends in bars. Even the wacko 60 year old hippies that sit down next to me without an invitation and with plenty of open bar stools elsewhere. So I had a good time with it, but I don't think most people would. Ultimately I do not recommend you read this book if you want to learn more about quantum mechanics. In the meantime I'm going to be reminiscing on that time in the past when I was so high at Mcdonalds that I was pretty sure that if focused really hard, I would be able to make my chicken nuggets levitate. For me, that was my return to spiritualism.

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This is the wacky book if you want to give it a shot. Down here is the Bioshock collection. It includes Bioshock 1, 2 and Infinite. Bioshock infinite was and is the only thing I know about quantum mechanics.