One thing you'll have to come to terms with when it comes to FREE MONEY is that obtaining money for free is a crime called theft. It's a sad thing to be honest, I'd love to show you where the free money grows. This way we could all roll it up and smoke it because it would be worthless at that point. Money is something you're paid in exchange for your professional skills and application thereof over a period of time. I just made that up based on what I think it is and I'm not going to Google it to make sure that I'm not stealing it. I mean, come on who really gives a fuck if two people have to same general definition of what payment is?
One thing to think about when it comes to payment is how fucking useless some skill sets are that people get paid for. If the best I could do was working the drive-thru at Wendy's then you better believe that I would be a rent-a-friend on the side. I might still become a rent-a-friend anyway. I'd make my personality so irresistible that everyone in town would hire me to hang out and let me walk their dogs and all kinds of shit. This is how you get money, and it's not free. Payment is something that is earned and that's pretty much all there is to it. More observant readers will note that there is more to this post and I assure you, it's well worth it to keep on reading.
Theft is a bit of a bitch move. Okay it's a huge bitch move because it shows that you aren't willing to work. How about we call this "Aimless bum can't hit the shitter." That might imply a sentient, separate entity from the human just walking around trying to find the toilet. Poop jokes really aren't my thing. How about "Unemployed man relapsed in his couch addiction." This one is because some people will make any excuse for why they won't get the fuck up and go back to work in order to earn some pay.
Sometimes people won't work because there isn't any work available to them. In those moments, you double your efforts in looking for work or start your freelancing career. Let's call it "Ambitious free-lancer will impale anyone." Now I'm imagining the same bum from earlier, not the sentient butt monstrosity but the guy addicted to the couch. He's went to the trouble of putting on a knight helmet and some sweat pants and goes around attacking people with a lance. What a fucking loon. Now imagine if it's all the same entity, butt monstrosity knight helmet and lance. This is perfect for my B-movie thriller that I have to write sometime before I die.
Now maybe you're furious that I click-baited you with this title, but I'm saving your life here. You don't want to go to jail my friend. If you're the kind of person that is willing to commit a crime to get your money for free but your only means for figuring that plan out is to look online, then you're in need of some assistance, one way or another. Thankfully, this isn't the dark web. Which means that obviously I'd be trolling you and not actually outlining how to steal.
You might sometimes get free money as a gift from your family or significant other. Maybe they can't think of what to get you on some gift giving occasion and they opt for money. This is the only circumstance in which money is free. Stealing, which is what the title of this post and the intent behind searching something like this is not free. You have to invest tons of time into planning the theft so that nobody ever finds out. The only thing is, somebody totally will find out. They always do, every time.
Committing a theft wastes your time and energy that could have gone into the building of something special in your own life. Deciding to opt for free money is an opportunity cost that you cannot afford. It's a cost that nobody can afford and one that the prison system wants to charge people for as much as possible.
So here's the kicker, sometimes you can legally get free money. This comes in the form of grants for all kinds of things online. This is an American thing so I don't know about the rest of the world but if you're American you might qualify. The website where you'll apply is something I'll leave to you to find out. I already saved your life earlier, I mean come on, how much greater can content be after something like that? You can also get free money from fafsa if you're going to college. This is only if you qualify for financial aid which has to do with your taxes and your parent's taxes and a bunch of other shit.
Now we've come to the segment of the show/blog post where I get a bit philosophical. I'm well aware that nobody gives a shit about what a community college drop out thinks about philosophy which is why I'm going to keep going anyway. When you take money that is given out for free, like grants and fafsa and all that shit, it's the government's money right? So who cares, fuck the government am I right? Wrong. The government has our money. We pay them to do nothing basically. Your hard working parents, family and friends have made it so that the government can contribute the grants and "free money" for kids in college.
What I'm getting at is that the money isn't free. Take it seriously because it's supposed to improve your life by helping you get an education. Unfortunately, I didn't do that when I was in college. I wish I would have understood back then how hard you have to work to make it and how much a good education can change someone's life. But I didn't understand because I didn't have the experience. If you're as young now as I was then, then you probably won't either and this post won't do anything to change that. But at least you kind of got your answer to How to get FREE MONEY. Thanks for reading and I'll see you on the next one, Cheers!
Jokes: 9 Short Jokes to Avert Your Eyes from the Abyss
Technology is reliable when you don't need it to work. Kind of like your dad.
Absent-minded skeleton still looking for his brain.
Woman with the most sore hands in the world addicted to responding to spam emails.
Callous nurse no longer handing out suckers for being a big boy. Doesn't add up because I'm a way bigger boy than the last time I got a sucker at the doctor's office.
Mindfulness- Wasting time in the name of good health.
Prisoner ready to break up with chains, finds them too clingy.
Gruff stoner chick proud of her hairy pits, finding little success on Tinder.
Proud arsonist takes too many smoke breaks.
Hedonistic monk found eating a protein bar and drinking a juice box during meditation hour.
This here is your short jokes for the day baby. That is unless I decide to do something extra on this day, something unplanned and unforeseen. Maybe I'll post 222 jokes about short people. Or, I might release the long awaited 712 jokes about being tall. NO.WAIT. I'll release my 10,023 knock-knock jokes for the elderly list! Actually, none of that exists and I'll be honest with you, that'd probably kill me to write that many jokes about dumb shit.
You already know we do short jokes, dark jokes and dark humor up in this bitch. Tell me a darker joke than the one on here about Nurses who don't reward you for being a big boy? I just went to the doctor a while back and not only did the nurse and doc have no new jokes for me, they didn't give suckers or kites. It's a travesty honestly. See you on the next one, cheers!
Absent-minded skeleton still looking for his brain.
Woman with the most sore hands in the world addicted to responding to spam emails.
Callous nurse no longer handing out suckers for being a big boy. Doesn't add up because I'm a way bigger boy than the last time I got a sucker at the doctor's office.
Mindfulness- Wasting time in the name of good health.
Prisoner ready to break up with chains, finds them too clingy.
Gruff stoner chick proud of her hairy pits, finding little success on Tinder.
Proud arsonist takes too many smoke breaks.
Hedonistic monk found eating a protein bar and drinking a juice box during meditation hour.
This here is your short jokes for the day baby. That is unless I decide to do something extra on this day, something unplanned and unforeseen. Maybe I'll post 222 jokes about short people. Or, I might release the long awaited 712 jokes about being tall. NO.WAIT. I'll release my 10,023 knock-knock jokes for the elderly list! Actually, none of that exists and I'll be honest with you, that'd probably kill me to write that many jokes about dumb shit.
You already know we do short jokes, dark jokes and dark humor up in this bitch. Tell me a darker joke than the one on here about Nurses who don't reward you for being a big boy? I just went to the doctor a while back and not only did the nurse and doc have no new jokes for me, they didn't give suckers or kites. It's a travesty honestly. See you on the next one, cheers!
The Answers: What Does Amos Mean?
I'm going to tell you what Amos means, just as soon as I can determine what the heck your question is really referring to. Amos as a name is a guy from the bible. He had prophecies and he lived near Jerusalem. If you gave me a random, multiple choice test on all characters from the Bible where I would be guessing, and rest assured, they would be total guesses. What the profession of each character in the Bible was, I would guess every single time that the guy was either a fisherman or a shepherd. I'd be totally sunk if shepherd and fisherman were both options in the question. But this dude was a shepherd.
This seems like the kind of question that someone asks Google by accident though. I mean, how many people think Amos means something besides it being a name? Isn't it always capitalized? Amos also got his own book in the Bible, forgot to mention that earlier. The name in Hebrew means burden. This means that most of the people that I've worked with over the last few years should have been named Amos, male and female. Maybe they could have been name Amosina or something like that, I don't know.
So far, I've only found information linking the name Amos to the Bible and to Hebrew translation type stuff. I'm starting to believe that this really is the only thing that this can mean. People really are out there wanting to know more about Amos and I've mistakenly predicted that there could be more than meets the eye to this question. But, I'm going to keep looking for more stuff anyway because that's the Comedy Apprentice way baby.
I always feel the need to be more silly, so I searched for "Famous Amos" and what do you know, something came up. Always makes me so happy when I can find something on the internet quickly. This is because I grew up in the days of dial up. This was a time where you had to plan your searches to be something critical that you must know for the completion of homework or something stupid that your parents wanted you to look up for them. Operating the computer and fixing the VCR where pretty much my part-time jobs from ages 9-12.
Anyway, this horrendous article came up on Wikipedia for Famous Amos cookies. I say horrendous because there are three citations on here about all the things the article lacks. I don't actually know if that's common or not, this might have been the first time I've ever noticed the needed citations thing. I'm not big on details unless it really, really matters. I love the font that they used for Famous Amos.
Says here that the guy who founded the company did so with money borrowed from Marvin Gaye and Helen Reddy. 25k in cold hard cash for this cookie company. It doesn't say anywhere on there that it was given in cash but I hope it was. The reason why he knew those big celebs is because he was a talent agent. He loved to bake cookies and send them out to possible clients in order to entice them into doing business. Nowadays, you'd have to run the cookies through a severe high level chemical testing trial before consuming them.
Apparently, Wally Amos as he was called loved baking cookies so much that he decided to start this company. His friends told him he should and he didn't seem to want to do the talent agent thing anymore so he borrowed the money and the whole thing took off. As with most depressing business tales, eventually it slowed down and ended up changing hands a bunch. Kellogg owned it for a while but now the guys who make Nutella own it. But at least it still exists. So, long live anybody named Amos, Amosina and the Famous Amos brand. I had no clue how to end this post so there ya go.
This seems like the kind of question that someone asks Google by accident though. I mean, how many people think Amos means something besides it being a name? Isn't it always capitalized? Amos also got his own book in the Bible, forgot to mention that earlier. The name in Hebrew means burden. This means that most of the people that I've worked with over the last few years should have been named Amos, male and female. Maybe they could have been name Amosina or something like that, I don't know.
So far, I've only found information linking the name Amos to the Bible and to Hebrew translation type stuff. I'm starting to believe that this really is the only thing that this can mean. People really are out there wanting to know more about Amos and I've mistakenly predicted that there could be more than meets the eye to this question. But, I'm going to keep looking for more stuff anyway because that's the Comedy Apprentice way baby.
I always feel the need to be more silly, so I searched for "Famous Amos" and what do you know, something came up. Always makes me so happy when I can find something on the internet quickly. This is because I grew up in the days of dial up. This was a time where you had to plan your searches to be something critical that you must know for the completion of homework or something stupid that your parents wanted you to look up for them. Operating the computer and fixing the VCR where pretty much my part-time jobs from ages 9-12.
Anyway, this horrendous article came up on Wikipedia for Famous Amos cookies. I say horrendous because there are three citations on here about all the things the article lacks. I don't actually know if that's common or not, this might have been the first time I've ever noticed the needed citations thing. I'm not big on details unless it really, really matters. I love the font that they used for Famous Amos.
Says here that the guy who founded the company did so with money borrowed from Marvin Gaye and Helen Reddy. 25k in cold hard cash for this cookie company. It doesn't say anywhere on there that it was given in cash but I hope it was. The reason why he knew those big celebs is because he was a talent agent. He loved to bake cookies and send them out to possible clients in order to entice them into doing business. Nowadays, you'd have to run the cookies through a severe high level chemical testing trial before consuming them.
Apparently, Wally Amos as he was called loved baking cookies so much that he decided to start this company. His friends told him he should and he didn't seem to want to do the talent agent thing anymore so he borrowed the money and the whole thing took off. As with most depressing business tales, eventually it slowed down and ended up changing hands a bunch. Kellogg owned it for a while but now the guys who make Nutella own it. But at least it still exists. So, long live anybody named Amos, Amosina and the Famous Amos brand. I had no clue how to end this post so there ya go.
Jokes: 8 Mostly Short Jokes About Politics and Gambling
Sympathetic gambler always donating to mismanaged Casino. Insists he is charitable and NOT addicted.
Bloomberg bows out of Presidential campaign to become ballerina. Cites an unyielding love of and desire to have sore feet.
I watched a short documentary on gambling addiction. The example they used was a guy who put himself through college with his blackjack winnings. That's not a gambling addict, that's a gambling expert. I'd buy his PDF manual for how to make a fortune at blackjack. Dude probably only did the documentary as marketing for his supreme level of skill.
There is a way to write that last entry as a short joke, but I don't know what it is.
Completing simple tasks with a computer simplifies your life. Attempting to master complex computer tasks inevitably leads you to the edge of an 11 story balcony.
If you are a semi pro gambler in your 40's and the head cook at Waffle House then you are a gambling addict.
Lying politician claims he was steadfast in denying the advances of the prostitute he later had killed via cash payment. Unfortunately, it was his role playing wife in disguise. "She was really good at that..." He later commented.
Elizabeth Warren ends her presidential bid and admits that running for president of the United States is really more of a hobby.
I'm going to call this post 8 jokes about blah blah blah, I don't know yet. There weren't as many dark jokes in this post. I consider gambling addiction to be pretty good grounds for dark jokes to be made. But there wasn't anything super extreme on my mind. That's really the driving force behind a good dark joke I think. Maybe not, I don't know. One of my favorite jokes that I've ever written is "BDSM chef prefers cream whipped." I had that flash into my mind as I was waking up one morning. I think that's the only time that has happened.
The joke about Bloomberg is nothing personal, I couldn't give a fuck less who runs the government. That kind of joke falls into the category of madcap. It's silliness on the level of Bugs Bunny and the three stooges type stuff. In other words, it's awesome. Plus, I'd say that joke falls into the irony category too because a tough, successful business man and politician would never be a ballerina at any point of his life. Same goes for a female at the same success level. Ballet is a pursuit so involving that you can't really accomplish anything else while you're doing it. Maybe not everyone knows that aspect of the joke but oh well. Thanks for reading and I'll see you on the next one, cheers!
Elizabeth Warren ends her presidential bid and admits that running for president of the United States is really more of a hobby.
I'm going to call this post 8 jokes about blah blah blah, I don't know yet. There weren't as many dark jokes in this post. I consider gambling addiction to be pretty good grounds for dark jokes to be made. But there wasn't anything super extreme on my mind. That's really the driving force behind a good dark joke I think. Maybe not, I don't know. One of my favorite jokes that I've ever written is "BDSM chef prefers cream whipped." I had that flash into my mind as I was waking up one morning. I think that's the only time that has happened.
The joke about Bloomberg is nothing personal, I couldn't give a fuck less who runs the government. That kind of joke falls into the category of madcap. It's silliness on the level of Bugs Bunny and the three stooges type stuff. In other words, it's awesome. Plus, I'd say that joke falls into the irony category too because a tough, successful business man and politician would never be a ballerina at any point of his life. Same goes for a female at the same success level. Ballet is a pursuit so involving that you can't really accomplish anything else while you're doing it. Maybe not everyone knows that aspect of the joke but oh well. Thanks for reading and I'll see you on the next one, cheers!
The Answers: What do I do to be Saved?
Before anyone asks, angrily emails me or yells at me in the street, no, my giving the answer to the question "What do I do to be Saved?" is not a joke. I am a Christian and I have love for all people as I'm supposed to. So, if you're of a different belief system than me then please do not be offended by this post. I'm merely trying to help out where there are people in need. According to my beliefs, I should do something like this in love, and I have. Whatever your beliefs, you are welcome on Comedy Apprentice and I hope you'll stick around to get laughs from my future jokes.
This is not my normal kind of subject matter or content. But I saw it in my keyword research for questions that people need answers to. I felt compelled deep down in my heart to write this post. The whole point of this series is to give real answers with jokes or give fake answers to silly/ridiculous things. As I said before, that's not what this is. There is nothing more important to me than my own salvation. I've been saved since I was 7 years old and though I've strayed many times and many ways, I still remember what you'll need to do. Here is my answer to "What do I do to be saved?".
Most people go to church for a while without feeling anything. That's totally normal and not something that you should immediately be worried about. After you've been there for a while or even if you haven't ever been to church, you start to experience a feeling called "being under conviction". I phrase it like that because that's how I've always heard it described and that's what I felt when I was going through this process.
Being under conviction feels awful. It's comparable to depression but not quite because there is an underlying fear that you will burn in Hell for eternity with conviction. You're in the state of conviction because you have through some means learned of your own sin. You realize that you're a sinner and that something must change in order for you to live well again and for you to go to Heaven.
When you get to this point it can be helpful to approach people that you know are saved, or those that have talked about it and would in all likelihood love to help. But, the process of getting saved is something that you can complete without the help of anyone but you and God. Here's how it goes, you kneel down and pray. In your prayer you must admit that you're a sinner and that without forgiveness you will go to Hell. You then profess that you believe that Jesus died on the cross and rose again for our sins and you ask him to come into your heart.
This prayer may go on for some time before you feel relief. Or, it could be instantaneous. I've heard plenty of different people describe it plenty of different ways but the end is always the same. You feel a sensation of relief that you will never be able to out do. There is no greater peace that will ever be laid on your heart than the one that you will receive once your prayer is answered. You might cry, you might laugh, you might cry while you're laughing. In the end, you'll be so thankful for your salvation that you won't know what to do with yourself.
Now you've come to the final step in the "What do I do to be saved?" equation. You go out and confess to the world what has happened to you. You tell everyone in your church family if you have one and you tell your friends and loved ones. By completing this process you've effectively allowed God to be the leader of your life and existence. Everything that happens after this moment will be challenging, rewarding all sorts of the things that make life into living. But you will always know in your heart of hearts where you will go when you die. Nothing is better than that. :)
This is not my normal kind of subject matter or content. But I saw it in my keyword research for questions that people need answers to. I felt compelled deep down in my heart to write this post. The whole point of this series is to give real answers with jokes or give fake answers to silly/ridiculous things. As I said before, that's not what this is. There is nothing more important to me than my own salvation. I've been saved since I was 7 years old and though I've strayed many times and many ways, I still remember what you'll need to do. Here is my answer to "What do I do to be saved?".
Most people go to church for a while without feeling anything. That's totally normal and not something that you should immediately be worried about. After you've been there for a while or even if you haven't ever been to church, you start to experience a feeling called "being under conviction". I phrase it like that because that's how I've always heard it described and that's what I felt when I was going through this process.
Being under conviction feels awful. It's comparable to depression but not quite because there is an underlying fear that you will burn in Hell for eternity with conviction. You're in the state of conviction because you have through some means learned of your own sin. You realize that you're a sinner and that something must change in order for you to live well again and for you to go to Heaven.
When you get to this point it can be helpful to approach people that you know are saved, or those that have talked about it and would in all likelihood love to help. But, the process of getting saved is something that you can complete without the help of anyone but you and God. Here's how it goes, you kneel down and pray. In your prayer you must admit that you're a sinner and that without forgiveness you will go to Hell. You then profess that you believe that Jesus died on the cross and rose again for our sins and you ask him to come into your heart.
This prayer may go on for some time before you feel relief. Or, it could be instantaneous. I've heard plenty of different people describe it plenty of different ways but the end is always the same. You feel a sensation of relief that you will never be able to out do. There is no greater peace that will ever be laid on your heart than the one that you will receive once your prayer is answered. You might cry, you might laugh, you might cry while you're laughing. In the end, you'll be so thankful for your salvation that you won't know what to do with yourself.
Now you've come to the final step in the "What do I do to be saved?" equation. You go out and confess to the world what has happened to you. You tell everyone in your church family if you have one and you tell your friends and loved ones. By completing this process you've effectively allowed God to be the leader of your life and existence. Everything that happens after this moment will be challenging, rewarding all sorts of the things that make life into living. But you will always know in your heart of hearts where you will go when you die. Nothing is better than that. :)
Jokes: 10 Short Jokes to Help You Decide the Short Joke of the Day
Man missing for almost 2 weeks found by Asheville police in jail. "Couldn't remember the last place we left him." -Sheriff
"How do concussions affect the brain?" asked one scientist with a hammer.
Man who believed himself invincible crashed through the front window of a bus he was driving and suffered no harm. Was originally thought to suffer from psychosis, now doctors are calling him superman.
I always click the most ridiculous news stories when I'm trying to write jokes. So now my news feed struggles to provide me with news stories that are fucked up enough for me.
High performers prone to fits of giggles and redness of the eyes.
Bigoted fluffy white bunnies found isolating themselves from colored bunnies.
Deranged biology major dreams of one day yanking the rotten teeth out of strangers.
Fearsome kittens viciously attack the hand that feeds them in show of dominance.
Promiscuous post man leaves love letters all around town.
Flirty prison guard always dangling the keys just out of reach.
Somewhere in this writing you'll find the short joke of the day. Although I never decide that for myself. I don't know which short joke people will think is the funniest. So, if you want to, you can comment what joke on this list you think should be the short joke of the day. I'd love to read that and it would help me to decide what short jokes on these posts I should be considering for t-shirts and clothing designs in the future.
If you want, you can still comment what the funniest part of my answers, shot glass thoughts and any of the older posts are. They wouldn't necessarily fit the format of the short joke of the day type stuff but I could keep those suggestions in mind for future projects. I look forward to reading what you guys think about my short jokes. Thank you for reading and I'll see you on the next one, cheers!
"How do concussions affect the brain?" asked one scientist with a hammer.
Man who believed himself invincible crashed through the front window of a bus he was driving and suffered no harm. Was originally thought to suffer from psychosis, now doctors are calling him superman.
I always click the most ridiculous news stories when I'm trying to write jokes. So now my news feed struggles to provide me with news stories that are fucked up enough for me.
High performers prone to fits of giggles and redness of the eyes.
Bigoted fluffy white bunnies found isolating themselves from colored bunnies.
Deranged biology major dreams of one day yanking the rotten teeth out of strangers.
Fearsome kittens viciously attack the hand that feeds them in show of dominance.
Promiscuous post man leaves love letters all around town.
Flirty prison guard always dangling the keys just out of reach.
Somewhere in this writing you'll find the short joke of the day. Although I never decide that for myself. I don't know which short joke people will think is the funniest. So, if you want to, you can comment what joke on this list you think should be the short joke of the day. I'd love to read that and it would help me to decide what short jokes on these posts I should be considering for t-shirts and clothing designs in the future.
If you want, you can still comment what the funniest part of my answers, shot glass thoughts and any of the older posts are. They wouldn't necessarily fit the format of the short joke of the day type stuff but I could keep those suggestions in mind for future projects. I look forward to reading what you guys think about my short jokes. Thank you for reading and I'll see you on the next one, cheers!
Shot Glass Thought: How to Quickly Prove You are a Basic Bitch Online
I'll level with you, I've never really enjoyed Facebook. Nowadays I use it exclusively for Search Engine Optimization purposes. I didn't enjoy it back when I first started using it in my early teens and I probably never will enjoy it. It just sucks. Tards that I knew in high school use the platform to advertise the pyramid scheme that they are currently helping out with.
I've even been one of those tards back in the day when I tried to supplement my income by selling Herbalife shit. But I was 19 and off my fucking nut. It's more understandable given those circumstances. These folks I read for about 2 minutes each day are in their 30's and 40's. People that I might have looked up to back in the day. These folks aren't doing shit with their life. They aren't chasing a dream or doing something that means something. They are just regular fucking people contributing nothing and that really kind of just tires me out.
The most sure fire way to quickly prove that you're a basic bitch online is to share some emotional, redemption story bullshit post that is 8,000 words of absolutely nothing worth reading. Because it's all made up and exists to market some fucking product. They are appealing to your emotions. If those things ask for donations then they are almost certainly scams. I don't know that for sure but you should take some serious considerations as to what you donate to online. I pretty much only donate to Wikipedia and that's only when they ask me once per year.
But yeah you're definitely a basic bitch and proud of it if you share one of those "guilt you into paying for something" posts. Most of the time when you try to make the world a better place in a large sweeping kind of way, you make the world worse. Look at welfare, it's a cancer on the people who really do need help. It's considered to be help, but it doesn't help. This is why I don't focus on saving the world from my keyboard. I save my money and work hard so that if I can do some good, I'll be able to.
This is the way that you can assist people, being available to help others that are around you. Don't think for one second that retweeting or clogging everyone's feed with your bullshit posts about mental health and poverty actually helps anyone. Most of the cunts, be they male or female that post about the tragedy of mental health issues would never listen to someone struggling so that they may feel a bit better. They share that bullshit online so that someone will see them sharing it and think "Wow, what a great person that is. I'm so glad for our brief acquaintance. Otherwise I might never have seen this moving post of total fucking bullshit."
In short, don't be a basic bitch online, help people that are around you when you can. Face to fucking face, not at your keyboard with a hoodie and yoga pants on and a half gone jug of fucking barefoot chardonnay. For the same price you could have drank a bottle of Martini and Rossi bubbly you fucking basic bitch.
I've even been one of those tards back in the day when I tried to supplement my income by selling Herbalife shit. But I was 19 and off my fucking nut. It's more understandable given those circumstances. These folks I read for about 2 minutes each day are in their 30's and 40's. People that I might have looked up to back in the day. These folks aren't doing shit with their life. They aren't chasing a dream or doing something that means something. They are just regular fucking people contributing nothing and that really kind of just tires me out.
The most sure fire way to quickly prove that you're a basic bitch online is to share some emotional, redemption story bullshit post that is 8,000 words of absolutely nothing worth reading. Because it's all made up and exists to market some fucking product. They are appealing to your emotions. If those things ask for donations then they are almost certainly scams. I don't know that for sure but you should take some serious considerations as to what you donate to online. I pretty much only donate to Wikipedia and that's only when they ask me once per year.
But yeah you're definitely a basic bitch and proud of it if you share one of those "guilt you into paying for something" posts. Most of the time when you try to make the world a better place in a large sweeping kind of way, you make the world worse. Look at welfare, it's a cancer on the people who really do need help. It's considered to be help, but it doesn't help. This is why I don't focus on saving the world from my keyboard. I save my money and work hard so that if I can do some good, I'll be able to.
This is the way that you can assist people, being available to help others that are around you. Don't think for one second that retweeting or clogging everyone's feed with your bullshit posts about mental health and poverty actually helps anyone. Most of the cunts, be they male or female that post about the tragedy of mental health issues would never listen to someone struggling so that they may feel a bit better. They share that bullshit online so that someone will see them sharing it and think "Wow, what a great person that is. I'm so glad for our brief acquaintance. Otherwise I might never have seen this moving post of total fucking bullshit."
In short, don't be a basic bitch online, help people that are around you when you can. Face to fucking face, not at your keyboard with a hoodie and yoga pants on and a half gone jug of fucking barefoot chardonnay. For the same price you could have drank a bottle of Martini and Rossi bubbly you fucking basic bitch.
The Answers: What Does it Mean When You Dream About Bears?
Fairly recently, sometime in mid-February I believe, I had a dream that involved bears. I'll retell it here for the entertainment of the audience. It's not rollickingly funny, but I do think you'll get some amusement out of it by imagining me so scared that I'm nearly shitting my pants through the entire thing. Because that's how I was in the dream even if the tone of the dream wasn't super threatening and scary. In fact, the tone was relatively light-hearted and I was the only one scared.
I'm asleep in my bed at my parent's place. It's the home that I grew up in, in the bed that I slept in for the majority of the time that I lived there. I feel something fury nudging and prodding at me as I sleep. I swat at it over my shoulder thinking all the while that somebody in the family is just fucking with me using a dust buster or something. I get a more forceful nudge in return for my swipe. It's now that I pull the covers back and look into the eyes of a giant black bear that is looming over me. He has both paws on the bed but somehow his weight isn't sagging the bed.
I leap out of bed and start screaming and freaking out but nobody in the house seems to care. I grab my brother's gun and fire several blasts into the bear's face. He doesn't seem fazed or harmed by the attack but decides to just leave the house anyway. He exits out of my bedroom window, which is for some reason wide open. I thought in the dream that he must have been such a smart bear that he knew how to open a window and exploit it's security faults. A very silly concept now that I'm fully awake.
I remember the dream in full because I always put a summary of the dreams that I find to be worth remembering in my phone as soon as I wake up. This way I never forget them and can reference them for posts like this or for interesting conversation with people who do the same thing. I'd recommend it to everyone, recording your dreams that is. I'd have to say that some of the best moments of my life have come while I was asleep. Dreams of experiences that I cannot, nor will not ever have. I'll write more about these experiences in the future. So, if you really like the dreams posts then look forward to some more of them.
Back to the bear dream. I watched the bear that I shot mozy through our front yard until he met up with his numerous cubs and his lady. The mom and the dad bears just laid down in the front yard under the shade while the 5-7 cubs ran around the yard wrestling and playing. I was still panicked from the earlier experience. At this point I'm afraid that the bears will never leave and that we will never be able to leave either. That's so silly! I love it. I don't know why dream me wasn't considering calling the forest cops or whatever they are. The people who arrest bears and then release them in the woods after writing them a ticket or some shit. I can't tell you about that life because I don't know anything about it.
As is just so happens, in the dream my family all got up and got ready for Sunday morning church. I was astounded that they were not worried about the bears. They all got dressed and got in the family car and took off. Before they left, my mother reminded me of some things that I could eat in the fridge if I got hungry before church let out. They just drove around the bears and went to church as if nothing had happened. I didn't tell them that the dad bear was an expert infiltrator and that he had an immunity to bullets.
Eventually, church friends, extended family and neighbors of ours drove around our yard looking at and taking pictures of the bear family. I was yelling at them from the house to be careful and to not get out of their cars but they did anyway. They laughed and carried on and had a great time filming and taking pictures of the bears. They were talking about us never having the bears removed. As long as they aren't hurting anything, why have them moved? I was very anxious and upset in the dream about the nonchalance that everyone showed towards the bears. I was also doubtful that the supernatural bears could be removed from the yard even if we did call someone to do the job.
When I woke up from the dream I recorded it as quickly as I could and laughed at the experience. Once I was awake, I thought the whole thing was pretty funny. At this point, I'm going to do some quick internet research on the topic of bears in dreams and then I'll come back with what I've learned in the following paragraphs. This way, we can know once and for all just what it means when you dream about bears.
Bears are mighty leaders, protective parents and wondering happy hobo rulers of the forest. Having a bear in your dream can mean that you are needing a guide. Maybe your life is too stressful and you need the kind and calm assurance of a bear to lead you out of it. Whether the bear is doing something or sleeping can be a sign that you are pursuing a life goal or resting from it. I think the sleep could be more along the lines of you aren't working on the goal when perhaps you should be. But I suppose it could also be a reminder that you should rest on your way to your goal. In my dream, maybe the bear was waking me up so that I could get back to work on being a better comedian. I write everyday, but maybe I was oversleeping and the bear wanted me to cut that out.
I've also read where it says that having a bear in your dream could be a sign that you are ready to develop into the person that you are supposed to be. Like, having the bear in my dream might be a sign that I'm going to become a great comic over the next few years. I'm not going to bet the house on that one but I will keep working hard so that if it does happen I'll be able to thank the bear.
If the bear is raging in the dream then it means that I'm probably raging in real life and have some personal shit that I need to get sorted. If the bear is asleep then it means that I need to rest and recover. But, my bear woke me up and scared the shit out of me. He was extremely peaceful though, which could mean that I'm prepared and skilled at what I do. There won't be too many situations that I'll encounter that will fuck me up. I hope that's the implication of my dream because I'd love to not get fucked up by unexpected circumstances ever again. Even though doing so is just a part of being alive.
Well, so far I've read several interpretations of violence towards a bear and a bear against you but there aren't any about invincible bears. Fear not about the information that I skip in my "research" I'll be linking to all my sources at the bottom of this post. This way anyone that wants to learn more about a bear in your dream will be able to tread the same mountain path that I took through the internet.
One interpretation of seeing a peaceful bear in your dream is that you are independent and you might see some success in your financial future. Well, that would be awesome. I am pretty damn independent. Encountering a black bear is apparently not that great. If I failed to mention earlier, yes all the bears in my dream were black bears. Seeing a black bear in your dream could mean that you will encounter a terrible situation where you must not run away, but instead hunker down and fight for yourself. To tell you the truth, I do typically hunker down and stick with it in bad situations. I'm not sure if it's wise to do so or not. I do love the challenge of it and what little I've read of Stoic philosophy tells you to just weather the storm and take each day and each moment as one more step that you must take. So, I guess that's what I'll do if I get rich soon, or if I end up in a bad situation soon. Maybe getting rich will be the bad situation!
Apparently, the wealth and prosperity bear dream is only if you see the bear and never interact with him. Mine woke me up and then I shot him in his invincible face. My bear and all the other bears in the dream for that matter were all peaceful. According to another source that means that I'm independent and I can handle myself. I agree with that part of it. I've gone a long way to establish my independence. It might be the most important part of growing up. Do we ever really know someone until they've been on their own? Know the real person deep down in them. Being on your own brings that part out of you and finishes you in a sense. Although I ascribe to the thought that were never finished until were dead. So, if you're on the older side then keep on dreaming and changing, you've surely still got some time left on the clock.
One funny interpretation of the bear dream is that if the bear is in your house then you must have a dominating female presence in your life. I'll just pass that compliment on to my girlfr-...oh yes, there is no woman in my life. Well, I'm not sad about that as much as it's funny to pretend like I am. I have seen what the best women are like and now I know what to hold out for and what to insist on having in my life. I don't know if I believe that I'll ever have a woman like that as my own but I don't really care either. Being a great comic is the sole reason why I breathe. If it pisses you off that I wrote that as though I will own the woman than here is my concession that she will own me too. But you're still a pussy for getting heated about my wording. We all belong to the people we love and to things that we love doing.
Seeing a bear dancing is supposed to indicate that I will need to defend my opinions and beliefs at some point. I hope that I never dream of a dancing bear because the image that my mind has conjured right now is that of the clown from IT dancing when the girl finds him underground I think? It's been a while since I watched that movie but the freaky fucking dancing has stayed with me. So a giant bear dancing like the clown from IT, that's what my brain put together as soon as I read the entry about dancing bears. I'm not sure if that means that I'm a sick fuck or if my brain is fucking sick duuuuude. (GNARLY DUDE).
I learned in therapy that you can interpret your own dreams by assigning values and defining symbols that you find important in the dream. I think it'll be interesting to do that with this dream and then I'll summarize what I've covered in this bear dream, big ass post. In real life, I have experienced devastating bouts of insomnia. Devastating here refers to the stress and pain that it put on my mind and body. I know I've surely mentioned this before, but one of the worst weeks of my life I worked over 60 hours behind the bar and only slept 8 hrs total the entire 7 day period. I only slept 4-5 hours a night for some time after that week was over.
So it's safe to say that I am anxious about not getting sleep. I don't care what people say about sleeping too much, I need my sleep dammit. Having the bear wake me up and scare the shit out of me may have been a way of demonstrating how afraid I am of facing the world when I haven't slept. When I have one of those awesome 2 hour nap nights before a 12 hour work day I am afraid. Afraid that I'll suck at my job and that I'll fuck things up. Afraid that I might fall asleep at the wheel and kill someone or myself in the process. During the periods when I haven't been able to sleep I've experienced hallucinations too. Disturbing shit that's much worse to look at than a family of invincible bears. There are plenty of reasons why I would be afraid of being woken up too soon and not getting enough sleep.
I soon discover in the dream, that not even the most powerful weapon at my disposal can conquer the bear, which is life without proper sleep. The gun could be a symbol for the medications that I take in order to get me to sleep and keep me at a functioning human level of emotion each day. The meds I take are for serotonin levels and sleep. I think it's fair to say that the gun could be my meds. The bear rejoining the family in the yard could symbolize the distance between me and my struggles with facing the world with the unmistakable blood shot eyes and ruffled hair of a person who didn't get any zzz.
The bear rejoins the happy family and leaves me alone because I've conquered that part of me. I take my meds, get my sleep, work my job and write my jokes. I'm doing good, so that's what the bear was telling me. It's good that I'm doing good. Maybe you folks out there in the internet have a different take on this dream. Maybe you found this to be funny, informative or a meandering mix of useless shit. I think if you try hard enough, you could make that the definition of most everything that I write. But I have a great time doing it all the same. ;)
We learned that if you only see a bear in your dream, you're gonna get rich. We learned that black bears might mean you should metaphorically and perhaps literally clinch your asshole for whats coming next. We learned that sometimes having a bear in your dream can mean that you're independent, which is great. I got the chance to practice a valuable skill that I learned in therapy. Hopefully, the way that I did it will help some of you if you need such a thing. I didn't assign values to the end of the dream because I didn't feel compelled to. That's also a part of the skill. If it's not important to you, then you don't need it.
This was a lot of fun to write and I hope you all enjoy it as much as I have. The list of links I used is below. Thanks for reading and I'll see you on the next one, cheers!
Links:
https://dreamingandsleeping.com/dreams-about-bears-interpretation-and-meaning/
https://mydreamsymbolism.com/dreams-about-bears-meaning-and-interpretation/
https://www.healtholino.com/dreams-about-bears-interpretation-and-meaning/
I'm asleep in my bed at my parent's place. It's the home that I grew up in, in the bed that I slept in for the majority of the time that I lived there. I feel something fury nudging and prodding at me as I sleep. I swat at it over my shoulder thinking all the while that somebody in the family is just fucking with me using a dust buster or something. I get a more forceful nudge in return for my swipe. It's now that I pull the covers back and look into the eyes of a giant black bear that is looming over me. He has both paws on the bed but somehow his weight isn't sagging the bed.
I leap out of bed and start screaming and freaking out but nobody in the house seems to care. I grab my brother's gun and fire several blasts into the bear's face. He doesn't seem fazed or harmed by the attack but decides to just leave the house anyway. He exits out of my bedroom window, which is for some reason wide open. I thought in the dream that he must have been such a smart bear that he knew how to open a window and exploit it's security faults. A very silly concept now that I'm fully awake.
I remember the dream in full because I always put a summary of the dreams that I find to be worth remembering in my phone as soon as I wake up. This way I never forget them and can reference them for posts like this or for interesting conversation with people who do the same thing. I'd recommend it to everyone, recording your dreams that is. I'd have to say that some of the best moments of my life have come while I was asleep. Dreams of experiences that I cannot, nor will not ever have. I'll write more about these experiences in the future. So, if you really like the dreams posts then look forward to some more of them.
Back to the bear dream. I watched the bear that I shot mozy through our front yard until he met up with his numerous cubs and his lady. The mom and the dad bears just laid down in the front yard under the shade while the 5-7 cubs ran around the yard wrestling and playing. I was still panicked from the earlier experience. At this point I'm afraid that the bears will never leave and that we will never be able to leave either. That's so silly! I love it. I don't know why dream me wasn't considering calling the forest cops or whatever they are. The people who arrest bears and then release them in the woods after writing them a ticket or some shit. I can't tell you about that life because I don't know anything about it.
As is just so happens, in the dream my family all got up and got ready for Sunday morning church. I was astounded that they were not worried about the bears. They all got dressed and got in the family car and took off. Before they left, my mother reminded me of some things that I could eat in the fridge if I got hungry before church let out. They just drove around the bears and went to church as if nothing had happened. I didn't tell them that the dad bear was an expert infiltrator and that he had an immunity to bullets.
Eventually, church friends, extended family and neighbors of ours drove around our yard looking at and taking pictures of the bear family. I was yelling at them from the house to be careful and to not get out of their cars but they did anyway. They laughed and carried on and had a great time filming and taking pictures of the bears. They were talking about us never having the bears removed. As long as they aren't hurting anything, why have them moved? I was very anxious and upset in the dream about the nonchalance that everyone showed towards the bears. I was also doubtful that the supernatural bears could be removed from the yard even if we did call someone to do the job.
When I woke up from the dream I recorded it as quickly as I could and laughed at the experience. Once I was awake, I thought the whole thing was pretty funny. At this point, I'm going to do some quick internet research on the topic of bears in dreams and then I'll come back with what I've learned in the following paragraphs. This way, we can know once and for all just what it means when you dream about bears.
Bears are mighty leaders, protective parents and wondering happy hobo rulers of the forest. Having a bear in your dream can mean that you are needing a guide. Maybe your life is too stressful and you need the kind and calm assurance of a bear to lead you out of it. Whether the bear is doing something or sleeping can be a sign that you are pursuing a life goal or resting from it. I think the sleep could be more along the lines of you aren't working on the goal when perhaps you should be. But I suppose it could also be a reminder that you should rest on your way to your goal. In my dream, maybe the bear was waking me up so that I could get back to work on being a better comedian. I write everyday, but maybe I was oversleeping and the bear wanted me to cut that out.
I've also read where it says that having a bear in your dream could be a sign that you are ready to develop into the person that you are supposed to be. Like, having the bear in my dream might be a sign that I'm going to become a great comic over the next few years. I'm not going to bet the house on that one but I will keep working hard so that if it does happen I'll be able to thank the bear.
If the bear is raging in the dream then it means that I'm probably raging in real life and have some personal shit that I need to get sorted. If the bear is asleep then it means that I need to rest and recover. But, my bear woke me up and scared the shit out of me. He was extremely peaceful though, which could mean that I'm prepared and skilled at what I do. There won't be too many situations that I'll encounter that will fuck me up. I hope that's the implication of my dream because I'd love to not get fucked up by unexpected circumstances ever again. Even though doing so is just a part of being alive.
Well, so far I've read several interpretations of violence towards a bear and a bear against you but there aren't any about invincible bears. Fear not about the information that I skip in my "research" I'll be linking to all my sources at the bottom of this post. This way anyone that wants to learn more about a bear in your dream will be able to tread the same mountain path that I took through the internet.
One interpretation of seeing a peaceful bear in your dream is that you are independent and you might see some success in your financial future. Well, that would be awesome. I am pretty damn independent. Encountering a black bear is apparently not that great. If I failed to mention earlier, yes all the bears in my dream were black bears. Seeing a black bear in your dream could mean that you will encounter a terrible situation where you must not run away, but instead hunker down and fight for yourself. To tell you the truth, I do typically hunker down and stick with it in bad situations. I'm not sure if it's wise to do so or not. I do love the challenge of it and what little I've read of Stoic philosophy tells you to just weather the storm and take each day and each moment as one more step that you must take. So, I guess that's what I'll do if I get rich soon, or if I end up in a bad situation soon. Maybe getting rich will be the bad situation!
Apparently, the wealth and prosperity bear dream is only if you see the bear and never interact with him. Mine woke me up and then I shot him in his invincible face. My bear and all the other bears in the dream for that matter were all peaceful. According to another source that means that I'm independent and I can handle myself. I agree with that part of it. I've gone a long way to establish my independence. It might be the most important part of growing up. Do we ever really know someone until they've been on their own? Know the real person deep down in them. Being on your own brings that part out of you and finishes you in a sense. Although I ascribe to the thought that were never finished until were dead. So, if you're on the older side then keep on dreaming and changing, you've surely still got some time left on the clock.
One funny interpretation of the bear dream is that if the bear is in your house then you must have a dominating female presence in your life. I'll just pass that compliment on to my girlfr-...oh yes, there is no woman in my life. Well, I'm not sad about that as much as it's funny to pretend like I am. I have seen what the best women are like and now I know what to hold out for and what to insist on having in my life. I don't know if I believe that I'll ever have a woman like that as my own but I don't really care either. Being a great comic is the sole reason why I breathe. If it pisses you off that I wrote that as though I will own the woman than here is my concession that she will own me too. But you're still a pussy for getting heated about my wording. We all belong to the people we love and to things that we love doing.
Seeing a bear dancing is supposed to indicate that I will need to defend my opinions and beliefs at some point. I hope that I never dream of a dancing bear because the image that my mind has conjured right now is that of the clown from IT dancing when the girl finds him underground I think? It's been a while since I watched that movie but the freaky fucking dancing has stayed with me. So a giant bear dancing like the clown from IT, that's what my brain put together as soon as I read the entry about dancing bears. I'm not sure if that means that I'm a sick fuck or if my brain is fucking sick duuuuude. (GNARLY DUDE).
I learned in therapy that you can interpret your own dreams by assigning values and defining symbols that you find important in the dream. I think it'll be interesting to do that with this dream and then I'll summarize what I've covered in this bear dream, big ass post. In real life, I have experienced devastating bouts of insomnia. Devastating here refers to the stress and pain that it put on my mind and body. I know I've surely mentioned this before, but one of the worst weeks of my life I worked over 60 hours behind the bar and only slept 8 hrs total the entire 7 day period. I only slept 4-5 hours a night for some time after that week was over.
So it's safe to say that I am anxious about not getting sleep. I don't care what people say about sleeping too much, I need my sleep dammit. Having the bear wake me up and scare the shit out of me may have been a way of demonstrating how afraid I am of facing the world when I haven't slept. When I have one of those awesome 2 hour nap nights before a 12 hour work day I am afraid. Afraid that I'll suck at my job and that I'll fuck things up. Afraid that I might fall asleep at the wheel and kill someone or myself in the process. During the periods when I haven't been able to sleep I've experienced hallucinations too. Disturbing shit that's much worse to look at than a family of invincible bears. There are plenty of reasons why I would be afraid of being woken up too soon and not getting enough sleep.
I soon discover in the dream, that not even the most powerful weapon at my disposal can conquer the bear, which is life without proper sleep. The gun could be a symbol for the medications that I take in order to get me to sleep and keep me at a functioning human level of emotion each day. The meds I take are for serotonin levels and sleep. I think it's fair to say that the gun could be my meds. The bear rejoining the family in the yard could symbolize the distance between me and my struggles with facing the world with the unmistakable blood shot eyes and ruffled hair of a person who didn't get any zzz.
The bear rejoins the happy family and leaves me alone because I've conquered that part of me. I take my meds, get my sleep, work my job and write my jokes. I'm doing good, so that's what the bear was telling me. It's good that I'm doing good. Maybe you folks out there in the internet have a different take on this dream. Maybe you found this to be funny, informative or a meandering mix of useless shit. I think if you try hard enough, you could make that the definition of most everything that I write. But I have a great time doing it all the same. ;)
We learned that if you only see a bear in your dream, you're gonna get rich. We learned that black bears might mean you should metaphorically and perhaps literally clinch your asshole for whats coming next. We learned that sometimes having a bear in your dream can mean that you're independent, which is great. I got the chance to practice a valuable skill that I learned in therapy. Hopefully, the way that I did it will help some of you if you need such a thing. I didn't assign values to the end of the dream because I didn't feel compelled to. That's also a part of the skill. If it's not important to you, then you don't need it.
This was a lot of fun to write and I hope you all enjoy it as much as I have. The list of links I used is below. Thanks for reading and I'll see you on the next one, cheers!
Links:
https://dreamingandsleeping.com/dreams-about-bears-interpretation-and-meaning/
https://mydreamsymbolism.com/dreams-about-bears-meaning-and-interpretation/
https://www.healtholino.com/dreams-about-bears-interpretation-and-meaning/
Jokes: 15 Short Jokes Invoking the Character Flaws that Derailed your Political Career
Plenty of dark jokes to be had in this bitch baby. I'm saying in this bitch! baby. With an eerily long pause in between bitch! and baby. I'd never call a baby a bitch if you were wondering. Also, I might have to catch my breath to be able to say the baby part. This is because when I yell bitch, I commit. I want to be the comedian version of the doctor from Mad Max: Fury Road. I think that disgusting freak would love some good dark jokes. Anyway, hears the jokes(;p)
Immature preacher delivers message in toddler tantrum format. (This joke makes good sense if you've ever suffered through the scream fests delivered by some southern baptist preachers. Google it if you don't believe me, it's absurd.)
Playful general never bombs anything important.
Incompetent plumber gives the pipe to everyone but his wife.
Lazy porn addict cured after not being able to pay the internet bill.
I've tried to fall in love with every good woman in town but they don't accept cash.
Lying masochist refuses to tell the doctor where it hurts.
Overconfident cleaning man confused about how replaceable he is.
Pussy ass lazy fuck willing to complain about sore feet but not willing to ice them.
Man at war with his feet gains 200lbs to crush them.
Overambitious campfire looks to eradicate entire forest.
Practical stunt man sells insurance on the side.
Prideful sadist gave himself up via social media posts from his dungeon.
Seductive truck driver bangs prostitutes for free...at gun point.
Senile 19 year old only able to smoke pot and "totally chill."
Softhearted tyrant in favor of selective slaughter and subjugation as opposed to reckless total annihilation.
There is a bit of dark humor in this post. Quite a bit actually, now that I've proofread it. The most dark joke being the one about the "seductive trucker" lol. I love that joke, it's probably my favorite on the list. Not because I hate women... but it doesn't hurt to be honest. Just kidding obviously. Are there any liberals reading this that can make a literal interpretation of these posts and then cry about it publicly?
Also, are there any know it all conservative cunts that can call the liberals wusses but then tell the public that my writing is not on the same level as a comedian that they've been paid to endorse? Fucking gutless sellouts. Yeah, both sides can fuck off. But by fuck off I mean argue about me so that I can get some free marketing. Anyway, that's all the dark jokes I can muster for now. See you on the next one, cheers!
Immature preacher delivers message in toddler tantrum format. (This joke makes good sense if you've ever suffered through the scream fests delivered by some southern baptist preachers. Google it if you don't believe me, it's absurd.)
Playful general never bombs anything important.
Incompetent plumber gives the pipe to everyone but his wife.
Lazy porn addict cured after not being able to pay the internet bill.
I've tried to fall in love with every good woman in town but they don't accept cash.
Lying masochist refuses to tell the doctor where it hurts.
Overconfident cleaning man confused about how replaceable he is.
Pussy ass lazy fuck willing to complain about sore feet but not willing to ice them.
Man at war with his feet gains 200lbs to crush them.
Overambitious campfire looks to eradicate entire forest.
Practical stunt man sells insurance on the side.
Prideful sadist gave himself up via social media posts from his dungeon.
Seductive truck driver bangs prostitutes for free...at gun point.
Senile 19 year old only able to smoke pot and "totally chill."
Softhearted tyrant in favor of selective slaughter and subjugation as opposed to reckless total annihilation.
There is a bit of dark humor in this post. Quite a bit actually, now that I've proofread it. The most dark joke being the one about the "seductive trucker" lol. I love that joke, it's probably my favorite on the list. Not because I hate women... but it doesn't hurt to be honest. Just kidding obviously. Are there any liberals reading this that can make a literal interpretation of these posts and then cry about it publicly?
Also, are there any know it all conservative cunts that can call the liberals wusses but then tell the public that my writing is not on the same level as a comedian that they've been paid to endorse? Fucking gutless sellouts. Yeah, both sides can fuck off. But by fuck off I mean argue about me so that I can get some free marketing. Anyway, that's all the dark jokes I can muster for now. See you on the next one, cheers!
Jokes: 11 Dark Jokes That Make the Sun Smile and the Moon Beam
Conservatives bare all in nude political discussion.
Clairvoyant junkie prefers moral high ground.
Renown tough guy let's wife violently peg him to prove his toughness once and for all.
Arrogant dish washer humiliated by the superior cleaning of a dish washing machine.
Big mouth cross dresser popular at the opera.
Dependent man baby looking for a wife to permanently role play as his mother.
Naive cunt looking for a sap to spill in her tree. Also, to pay for everything.
Deranged taxi driver willing to risk death to get you to your routine check-up on time.
Eccentric artist never practices, produces or improves. She does do drugs, owe 60k in student loans and hates the white man more than the grandparents of today's Native Americans.
One idealistic engineer believes that his city plans will prevent traffic jams, even in the event of a terrorist attack.
Illiterate president elected to king of rock and fire after decades of threatening nuclear war.
This bit of writing has more dark jokes than a lot of the other posts I've been doing. I'm not sure what makes me what to write dark jokes on one day versus another. The day of this writing was beautiful and I was really excited about a gluten free strawberry protein mix I was trying out. Fucking phenomenal. The protein mixes with the gluten in them are so damn thick it's like trying to drink chocolate gravy out of a water bottle. Disgusting. Anyway, hope these dark jokes got you a couple laughs and I'll see you on the next one, cheers!
Clairvoyant junkie prefers moral high ground.
Renown tough guy let's wife violently peg him to prove his toughness once and for all.
Arrogant dish washer humiliated by the superior cleaning of a dish washing machine.
Big mouth cross dresser popular at the opera.
Dependent man baby looking for a wife to permanently role play as his mother.
Naive cunt looking for a sap to spill in her tree. Also, to pay for everything.
Deranged taxi driver willing to risk death to get you to your routine check-up on time.
Eccentric artist never practices, produces or improves. She does do drugs, owe 60k in student loans and hates the white man more than the grandparents of today's Native Americans.
One idealistic engineer believes that his city plans will prevent traffic jams, even in the event of a terrorist attack.
Illiterate president elected to king of rock and fire after decades of threatening nuclear war.
This bit of writing has more dark jokes than a lot of the other posts I've been doing. I'm not sure what makes me what to write dark jokes on one day versus another. The day of this writing was beautiful and I was really excited about a gluten free strawberry protein mix I was trying out. Fucking phenomenal. The protein mixes with the gluten in them are so damn thick it's like trying to drink chocolate gravy out of a water bottle. Disgusting. Anyway, hope these dark jokes got you a couple laughs and I'll see you on the next one, cheers!
Jokes: 10 Glimmering Short Jokes that Unveil the Duality of Man
Gruff super model cornering the market of bearded lady fashion.
Hedonistic principle smoking all the cigarettes he confiscates.
Visionary 2 year old philosopher tears the pages out of modern philosophy book.
Incompetent waitress asks table if they can read her writing.
Infamous diabetic known mostly for his raps, has the biggest fan base of white college students of any artist.
Intolerant host now hosting party for none, depression for one.
Naive kitchen staff thinks someone gives a fuck that they aren't serving breakfast right now.
Nobody knows what the truly obsessive bartender's drinks taste like because he always gives up and starts over.
Megalomaniac bus driver believes one day he'll own all the pocket change.
Heart-warming love story ends with marriage for 2 porn site commenters.
Hedonistic principle smoking all the cigarettes he confiscates.
Visionary 2 year old philosopher tears the pages out of modern philosophy book.
Incompetent waitress asks table if they can read her writing.
Infamous diabetic known mostly for his raps, has the biggest fan base of white college students of any artist.
Intolerant host now hosting party for none, depression for one.
Naive kitchen staff thinks someone gives a fuck that they aren't serving breakfast right now.
Nobody knows what the truly obsessive bartender's drinks taste like because he always gives up and starts over.
Megalomaniac bus driver believes one day he'll own all the pocket change.
Heart-warming love story ends with marriage for 2 porn site commenters.
Jokes: 8 Sketchy Dark Jokes From a Guy Who Doesn't Draw
Lung cancer patient addicted to coughing, not cigarettes.
I have hurt myself while drinking alcohol but only because it makes me want to run on the treadmill...obviously, without the safety belt.
Audacious southern preacher claims swearing to be a first class ticket to Hell while also ruining his congregation by instigating petty squabbles.
Bigoted liberal insists on destroying poor neighborhoods with handouts instead of advocating increases in education funding.
Selfish conservative doesn't care enough to notice poor neighborhood or maniacal bigoted liberal.
Wrote those last two jokes because a deranged anarchist picked the lock on my front door.
To be honest, the deranged anarchist is probably just me but in a delusion. To be clear, I do hate both sides of the political isle. So, both of you can find unity in hating me back. I could give a fuck less. Plus, it's what our first president would have wanted. The unity part, not the hating of a comedian.
Two good friends of mine have taken up smoking and I can't figure out why. When I want to kill myself I Google "Cliffs near me" because, why not make it quick? Smoking and cancer takes forever and really, really hurts. Shooting over the railing at 99 miles per hour and crashing in catastrophic fashion at the bottom of a ravine only hurts once and not for very long.
That was 8 Sketchy Dark Jokes From a Guy Who Doesn't Draw. I used to draw and maybe I should again. It is great for stress relief. Though, so is writing dark jokes. Two of my friends are having a drawing contest challenge thing. It's been great to watch because one of them is discovering a new passion and the other one is demonstrating step-by-step how to half ass something that is supposedly your passion. Maybe that should be in my next The Answers post. Those things take time, so don't expect it soon. Anyway, thanks for reading and cheers!
I have hurt myself while drinking alcohol but only because it makes me want to run on the treadmill...obviously, without the safety belt.
Audacious southern preacher claims swearing to be a first class ticket to Hell while also ruining his congregation by instigating petty squabbles.
Bigoted liberal insists on destroying poor neighborhoods with handouts instead of advocating increases in education funding.
Selfish conservative doesn't care enough to notice poor neighborhood or maniacal bigoted liberal.
Wrote those last two jokes because a deranged anarchist picked the lock on my front door.
To be honest, the deranged anarchist is probably just me but in a delusion. To be clear, I do hate both sides of the political isle. So, both of you can find unity in hating me back. I could give a fuck less. Plus, it's what our first president would have wanted. The unity part, not the hating of a comedian.
Two good friends of mine have taken up smoking and I can't figure out why. When I want to kill myself I Google "Cliffs near me" because, why not make it quick? Smoking and cancer takes forever and really, really hurts. Shooting over the railing at 99 miles per hour and crashing in catastrophic fashion at the bottom of a ravine only hurts once and not for very long.
That was 8 Sketchy Dark Jokes From a Guy Who Doesn't Draw. I used to draw and maybe I should again. It is great for stress relief. Though, so is writing dark jokes. Two of my friends are having a drawing contest challenge thing. It's been great to watch because one of them is discovering a new passion and the other one is demonstrating step-by-step how to half ass something that is supposedly your passion. Maybe that should be in my next The Answers post. Those things take time, so don't expect it soon. Anyway, thanks for reading and cheers!
Jokes: 12 Short Jokes Detailing the Flaws we all Love
Practical serial killer waiting for victims to die down. Prefers pushing them off ledges.
Rebellious student expelled for going to the bathroom without permission.
On second thought, that last joke probably has happened many times. God I hated school.
Sadistic husband rips flowers from their roots and ties them together before half drowning them and giving them to his co-conspiring wife.
Soft-hearted general only seeking to annihilate every able bodied man among the enemy, no women, children or the elderly.
Solemn cheerleader only believes in doing her D.U.T.Y.
Theatrical custodian paying his way through art school always said "It's never too late to paint a different picture." Unfortunately slipped and fell down 7 flights of stairs while dancing to the beat of his own symphony.
Weak willed steroid abuser unwilling to amputate his own nutsack for doctor prescribed testosterone. Coach demands "A much higher level of commitment."
Unlucky gambler only able to win the lottery one time after many, many attempts.
Trouble making doctor always looking for something to go wrong.
Timid New York driver only honking 5 times per minute.
Impatient martyr self immolates in too much of a hurry to get to Hell.
That was 12 Short Jokes Detailing the Flaws we all Love. Some of them were dark jokes and some of them weren't really dark at all. So, depending on what you've come to expect from my content, perhaps this could have been much darker. Or, maybe you'd prefer less dark humor. Let me know in the comments and don't forget to share this on social media. Thanks for reading, cheers!
Rebellious student expelled for going to the bathroom without permission.
On second thought, that last joke probably has happened many times. God I hated school.
Sadistic husband rips flowers from their roots and ties them together before half drowning them and giving them to his co-conspiring wife.
Soft-hearted general only seeking to annihilate every able bodied man among the enemy, no women, children or the elderly.
Solemn cheerleader only believes in doing her D.U.T.Y.
Theatrical custodian paying his way through art school always said "It's never too late to paint a different picture." Unfortunately slipped and fell down 7 flights of stairs while dancing to the beat of his own symphony.
Weak willed steroid abuser unwilling to amputate his own nutsack for doctor prescribed testosterone. Coach demands "A much higher level of commitment."
Unlucky gambler only able to win the lottery one time after many, many attempts.
Trouble making doctor always looking for something to go wrong.
Timid New York driver only honking 5 times per minute.
Impatient martyr self immolates in too much of a hurry to get to Hell.
That was 12 Short Jokes Detailing the Flaws we all Love. Some of them were dark jokes and some of them weren't really dark at all. So, depending on what you've come to expect from my content, perhaps this could have been much darker. Or, maybe you'd prefer less dark humor. Let me know in the comments and don't forget to share this on social media. Thanks for reading, cheers!
Jokes: 11 Short Jokes Detailing our Modern World
Cruel preacher continues speaking for a living in spite of grating voice. Similar to the Inquisition, believes he is doing God's work.
Childish president dependent on drama for survival, brings to mind high school cheerleaders.
Deranged man frantically posting politically charged Facebook posts believes someone is actually reading them.
Egotistical garbage man confused about the nature of his work.
Fanatical blogger desperately trying to impress strangers with middle school writing skills.
I'll leave room for all of you in the comments below to claim that the last joke was about me. ;)
Fearsome competitors prepare themselves for National Milk Chugging Contest this Thursday at 2pm.
Flirty Hell's Angel retires from crime to start a baking business. Thinks it will help him to "Meet gu-chicks... I mean, tons of bitches."
Hoity-toity judge leaving courtroom unsure of verdicts. Says justice is "More about the journey and not the destination."
Illiterate mayor elected after decades of school budget cuts.
Judgmental bartender now finding work as dishwasher.
So that's 11 short jokes detailing our modern world. Tell me below how much I missed the mark on this post or share it on social media and tell everyone you know how much I missed the mark! Then you would look super smart and you'd definitely be making a difference in the world. After all, we all know that real heroes post shit on Facebook.
Childish president dependent on drama for survival, brings to mind high school cheerleaders.
Deranged man frantically posting politically charged Facebook posts believes someone is actually reading them.
Egotistical garbage man confused about the nature of his work.
Fanatical blogger desperately trying to impress strangers with middle school writing skills.
I'll leave room for all of you in the comments below to claim that the last joke was about me. ;)
Fearsome competitors prepare themselves for National Milk Chugging Contest this Thursday at 2pm.
Flirty Hell's Angel retires from crime to start a baking business. Thinks it will help him to "Meet gu-chicks... I mean, tons of bitches."
Hoity-toity judge leaving courtroom unsure of verdicts. Says justice is "More about the journey and not the destination."
Illiterate mayor elected after decades of school budget cuts.
Judgmental bartender now finding work as dishwasher.
So that's 11 short jokes detailing our modern world. Tell me below how much I missed the mark on this post or share it on social media and tell everyone you know how much I missed the mark! Then you would look super smart and you'd definitely be making a difference in the world. After all, we all know that real heroes post shit on Facebook.
Jokes: 12 Short Jokes That I Wrote with my Mama
Experts afraid to raise the original Titanic as it might offend Poseidon.
Paramedic turned drug dealer excellent at reviving clientele.
Drunken preacher prone to shouting in pulpit and the bar.
Lying electrician shocked at false voltage reading.
Lazy cleaning man washed away in a sea of filth.
Blunt sword only effective in stabbing feelings.
Selfish nun wants all the blessings to herself.
Lazy ant ostracized after proving to be the rich white kid of the group.
Shallow monk only concerned with covering bald spot.
Absent-minded astronaut ends up high, but not in space.
Abusive psychiatrist always bringing shit up.
Aimless sniper always missing the mark, blames falsehoods of reality.
This is a list of 12 short jokes that I wrote with the help of my Mama. She doesn't want writing credits because she thinks these jokes are mean. LOL
Paramedic turned drug dealer excellent at reviving clientele.
Drunken preacher prone to shouting in pulpit and the bar.
Lying electrician shocked at false voltage reading.
Lazy cleaning man washed away in a sea of filth.
Blunt sword only effective in stabbing feelings.
Selfish nun wants all the blessings to herself.
Lazy ant ostracized after proving to be the rich white kid of the group.
Shallow monk only concerned with covering bald spot.
Absent-minded astronaut ends up high, but not in space.
Abusive psychiatrist always bringing shit up.
Aimless sniper always missing the mark, blames falsehoods of reality.
This is a list of 12 short jokes that I wrote with the help of my Mama. She doesn't want writing credits because she thinks these jokes are mean. LOL
Jokes: 7 Short Jokes to Smirk at During Your Next Boring Meeting
Assisted Suicide Inc. is offering new flavors of bleach to make your last drink delicious.
Spent the last 2-3 hours laying in bed wanting to get up and be very funny. Technically, this sentence took about 3 hours to write. It's good for somebody that I don't charge by the hour.
Sleep addict reports feeling rested. Family worries this is a sign of relapse.
Philandering cat lady makes home wi-fi password Pusslord.
Open minded hobo sex addict giving up fingering for thumbing rides.
Judging from the black eye on my neighbor they are a swinging couple with only one swinger.
Lumbering giant monster found scaring people in the dark on local college campus. Turns out it was a 6'5 autistic man dressed as a hedgehog.
Our first joke was one of the finest dark jokes in all the land. If Dark Souls were a 2hr long comedy special, that joke would've been about a bleach filled estus flask or something. These short jokes with hints of dark humor are fun to write and even more fun to share. So send them out to anyone you can. Thanks for reading and I'll see you on the next one!
Spent the last 2-3 hours laying in bed wanting to get up and be very funny. Technically, this sentence took about 3 hours to write. It's good for somebody that I don't charge by the hour.
Sleep addict reports feeling rested. Family worries this is a sign of relapse.
Philandering cat lady makes home wi-fi password Pusslord.
Open minded hobo sex addict giving up fingering for thumbing rides.
Judging from the black eye on my neighbor they are a swinging couple with only one swinger.
Lumbering giant monster found scaring people in the dark on local college campus. Turns out it was a 6'5 autistic man dressed as a hedgehog.
Our first joke was one of the finest dark jokes in all the land. If Dark Souls were a 2hr long comedy special, that joke would've been about a bleach filled estus flask or something. These short jokes with hints of dark humor are fun to write and even more fun to share. So send them out to anyone you can. Thanks for reading and I'll see you on the next one!
Shot Glass Thought: Where is My Life Going?
This was the topic of discussion for me and two good friends of mine. I had pretty much the same conversation on two separate occasions recently. The two friends which I love very much do not know each other and they weren't present for both conversations. Only I was there for both conversations about the meaning and purpose of a life. It is my opinion that our greatest accomplishments and contributions are reflections of our souls. To secure these powerful accomplishments, we must look for the thing that only we can contribute.
If I am to live a full life, one that can send me to my dying day with no regrets, then I must find the one thing that only I can perfectly do. I must be transcendent in my accomplishment in this regard. There is nothing else in my life that is as important as this singular task. Sometimes, people find more than one of these kinds of tasks. Some people are so great that they can complete multiple life defining tasks. All that I know that I must do right now is this: "Austin brought joy to the world." That's what I see as my mission. I cannot unsee this task and I don't want to have something else. I find that this mission is perfectly suitable and I believe that I am up to the task of completing it.
There are many issues and problems of various different natures that make completing these tasks difficult. One of them is having enough money. Maybe I'm not good enough at the skills that are required to complete my task at a transcendent level. Maybe I have a drinking problem, or I'm too depressed. There are many obstacles. Maybe I won't make it to the heights that I am supposed to achieve. But when I go to die, I will have loved wisdom. I will have brought joy to those that I could. I will have loved and been loved. My contributions will have been the results of my best efforts however short I may fall from completing the task. Or maybe I will be a resounding success. I cannot know these things because they are final. I am operating in the space of what will happen and not what has happened.
If I can, with all that I am, be able to bring joy to the world. I do mean the entire world. To get laughs in every country around the world. To put smiles on the faces of the downtrodden, I will have realized my mission and completed it. Whatever monetary rewards should follow from such a feat will be secondary. Perhaps I will die before I ever see the rewards of such a task. This does not matter because bringing joy to others will have been my mission and in that I will have been fulfilled. If I should see it done and draw my last breath, I will be a happy man. Come what may, this is where my life is going.
If I am to live a full life, one that can send me to my dying day with no regrets, then I must find the one thing that only I can perfectly do. I must be transcendent in my accomplishment in this regard. There is nothing else in my life that is as important as this singular task. Sometimes, people find more than one of these kinds of tasks. Some people are so great that they can complete multiple life defining tasks. All that I know that I must do right now is this: "Austin brought joy to the world." That's what I see as my mission. I cannot unsee this task and I don't want to have something else. I find that this mission is perfectly suitable and I believe that I am up to the task of completing it.
There are many issues and problems of various different natures that make completing these tasks difficult. One of them is having enough money. Maybe I'm not good enough at the skills that are required to complete my task at a transcendent level. Maybe I have a drinking problem, or I'm too depressed. There are many obstacles. Maybe I won't make it to the heights that I am supposed to achieve. But when I go to die, I will have loved wisdom. I will have brought joy to those that I could. I will have loved and been loved. My contributions will have been the results of my best efforts however short I may fall from completing the task. Or maybe I will be a resounding success. I cannot know these things because they are final. I am operating in the space of what will happen and not what has happened.
If I can, with all that I am, be able to bring joy to the world. I do mean the entire world. To get laughs in every country around the world. To put smiles on the faces of the downtrodden, I will have realized my mission and completed it. Whatever monetary rewards should follow from such a feat will be secondary. Perhaps I will die before I ever see the rewards of such a task. This does not matter because bringing joy to others will have been my mission and in that I will have been fulfilled. If I should see it done and draw my last breath, I will be a happy man. Come what may, this is where my life is going.
The Answers: How to get a Boyfriend
Believe you me, as a man, I've never been asked this question. Nobody and I mean nobody has ever called out in public "Yonder bald headed, bearded fat man, how do I get a boyfriend?". Just because it hasn't happened yet, doesn't mean that I'm not fully prepared to contribute some life changing advice for how to get a boyfriend. I might also mention that I'm not gay, so I don't have experience in the getting of a boyfriend. But I do have experience in being the boyfriend that was got. For me, that's more than enough expertise to justify making this post.
Be available. This could mean, don't already have a boyfriend in the first place. If I were answering that question, this post would be titled: "How to get a bit on the side." I'm saying don't make yourself too scarce. You should be in public enough that people can get to know you. It's hard to fall for someone that you aren't sure really exists. Unless you're on that show Catfished on MTV. My sister introduced me to that show a while back. I might have referenced that pivotal moment in my personal history before but I'm referencing it again because just like your grandpa, I love repeating myself.
Don't be judgmental. By today's moral standards, merely being a minority or woman is enough of a moral pass to allow you to go around judging everyone. Well, that's a bunch of bullshit and if you want a real man then you won't believe that. If you find a man that says he believes in that shit then you can expect to take a few drunken right hooks from him a couple years down the road. He lives the way he does because he's ashamed of himself before even doing anything wrong. He acts like he is responsible for all the bad things that have happened in the past. In order for all those things to add up in his head, he has to blast you in the face ever so often. Just so his world makes sense. This post is about "how to get a boyfriend, isn't it?" You might ask. Well yes, but it's a complex issue, I need to cover all my bases.
Don't be a stupid cunt. Yeah, this pretty much has to do with the last paragraph. I'm repeating it here because it's vital for getting a good boyfriend. That's not in the title of this post, but why would you want a bad boyfriend? You want to eventually marry a good man right? Or at the very least have a long term dating relationship with a good man, right? That's if you object to marriage, and honestly I don't blame you if you do. It's a pretty hard sell, no matter what your beliefs are.
Don't be a huge ass whore. This doesn't have anything to do with the actual size of your ass. This has everything to do with how many guys you have sucked off while you pretended to care about education for down syndrome kids while you were in your undergrad studies. We all now knew that your passion was for sucking off frat guys and not for teaching the disabled. This is because you dropped out of your studies but continued sucking off frat guys. I wonder if you'd suck off a retarded frat guy? Hmmm... now that is a puzzler.
Be able to communicate with others. Be able to talk to everyone. Not just your clique, not just your family, not just the people you go to work/church with. Be able to converse. Don't be too scared to talk with strangers or people that you think look strange when you are with a group of friends that will look out for you. Which brings me to another point, always go out with a group. If a guy is too scared to approach you when you're with your friends then he might be a rapist. I don't know if there is any evidence to support that, but there is plenty of evidence that this particular topic makes it into my dark jokes all the time. If you only have the confidence to talk to women when they are alone, that to me seems like your goal is to make them into a victim.
Know what you're looking for in a man or be willing to experiment. This boils down to experience. Don't put out. There are, in some circles, a majority of men that only want to hang around until there is some poon being served up. After that, they bounce. But it's for the better for both people if they become romantic friends, lovers, then married or long term family unit type shit. If you're a guy and you're worried that in 20 years she'll bang the pool guy, then get a pre-nup. She'll work hard, you'll work hard and you'll never have to worry about handing over half of everything that you've earned.
Give it a while before you put out, but not forever. It takes me about 2-3 months of practice pretty much everyday in order to make something into a habit. If I want to do this new thing into the long term, then I'll need 2-3 months of doing it over and over in order to make it stick. I don't know if that's how long you need to wait to put out, but it couldn't hurt. I want to be in love and have that relationship that fulfills me. So I'm really turned off of girls that put out too easily. I've also had several STD scares which have made me paranoid. What I'm saying here is that if I were to go out with a chick now, and she didn't put out for 2-3 months of consistent dating, I would've have given up on the 3rd date.
My lack of willpower would be the reason for this and to the girl that doesn't want to put out that soon, congrats, you'll find a better man than me. One day, when I grow up and learn to control myself and not be such a freak when it comes to the old in-n-out, perhaps I'll be able to take my own advice and end up in love. Who knows? I'll need at least 2-3 months of practicing being a good person before that could realistically be achieved.
Don't be an alcoholic or a drug addict. If you are one of these two things then look forward to my next big The Answers project, How to Be a Whore. Bit of a spoiler alert, nobody really wants to be a whore, male or female. You just kind of end up there because of trauma, mental health, a dark past that had no dark jokes to alleviate some of the pain. You get the picture. So, if you're addicted to alcohol, which is a drug, then get help. If you're addicted to another less well branded and publicly available drug, then email me your experience with the drug and where I can get some. Then, get some help.
Don't be psychotically religious, that shit is scary. Being addicted to your religion makes you somehow less rational than the worst meth addict. They aren't physically capable of distinguishing the difference between what is real and what is not. But the psychotically religious person simply chooses, in perfect health mind you, to not distinguish between what is real and what is not. So, have your religion but don't quote entire passages from your book within the first hour that we know each other. That will creep me out and I'll certainly write you into one of my dark jokes.
Don't have a terribly traumatic backstory that you go out of your way to tell everyone. This might be that you used to be a drug/alcohol/religion addict until you read my post "How to get a Boyfriend." Yes, this very post. You went and got help and changed for the better and you've been in the clear ever since. Only thing, you can't go on more than one date with every guy that you meet. It's because you keep telling them about all the trauma that lead up to your life altering epiphany, that moment when you read "How to get a Boyfriend" by the Comedy Apprentice. (Oh yeah baby) Well, stop doing that. I'm glad, we're glad, the whole world is glad that you got your life together. But nobody wants to feel like they will be inheriting all that shit if they get with you. So, save it for the 1st month anniversary or whatever.
That's pretty much it, if you follow these steps, you will certainly learn how to get a boyfriend. I'm glad that I could be of service. Stay tuned to Comedy Apprentice for all my dark jokes, short jokes and my dark humor. All my jokes are short unless there is a good reason for making them long. So, there is that. And yeah, thanks for reading and I'll see you on the next one!
Be available. This could mean, don't already have a boyfriend in the first place. If I were answering that question, this post would be titled: "How to get a bit on the side." I'm saying don't make yourself too scarce. You should be in public enough that people can get to know you. It's hard to fall for someone that you aren't sure really exists. Unless you're on that show Catfished on MTV. My sister introduced me to that show a while back. I might have referenced that pivotal moment in my personal history before but I'm referencing it again because just like your grandpa, I love repeating myself.
Don't be judgmental. By today's moral standards, merely being a minority or woman is enough of a moral pass to allow you to go around judging everyone. Well, that's a bunch of bullshit and if you want a real man then you won't believe that. If you find a man that says he believes in that shit then you can expect to take a few drunken right hooks from him a couple years down the road. He lives the way he does because he's ashamed of himself before even doing anything wrong. He acts like he is responsible for all the bad things that have happened in the past. In order for all those things to add up in his head, he has to blast you in the face ever so often. Just so his world makes sense. This post is about "how to get a boyfriend, isn't it?" You might ask. Well yes, but it's a complex issue, I need to cover all my bases.
Don't be a stupid cunt. Yeah, this pretty much has to do with the last paragraph. I'm repeating it here because it's vital for getting a good boyfriend. That's not in the title of this post, but why would you want a bad boyfriend? You want to eventually marry a good man right? Or at the very least have a long term dating relationship with a good man, right? That's if you object to marriage, and honestly I don't blame you if you do. It's a pretty hard sell, no matter what your beliefs are.
Don't be a huge ass whore. This doesn't have anything to do with the actual size of your ass. This has everything to do with how many guys you have sucked off while you pretended to care about education for down syndrome kids while you were in your undergrad studies. We all now knew that your passion was for sucking off frat guys and not for teaching the disabled. This is because you dropped out of your studies but continued sucking off frat guys. I wonder if you'd suck off a retarded frat guy? Hmmm... now that is a puzzler.
Be able to communicate with others. Be able to talk to everyone. Not just your clique, not just your family, not just the people you go to work/church with. Be able to converse. Don't be too scared to talk with strangers or people that you think look strange when you are with a group of friends that will look out for you. Which brings me to another point, always go out with a group. If a guy is too scared to approach you when you're with your friends then he might be a rapist. I don't know if there is any evidence to support that, but there is plenty of evidence that this particular topic makes it into my dark jokes all the time. If you only have the confidence to talk to women when they are alone, that to me seems like your goal is to make them into a victim.
Know what you're looking for in a man or be willing to experiment. This boils down to experience. Don't put out. There are, in some circles, a majority of men that only want to hang around until there is some poon being served up. After that, they bounce. But it's for the better for both people if they become romantic friends, lovers, then married or long term family unit type shit. If you're a guy and you're worried that in 20 years she'll bang the pool guy, then get a pre-nup. She'll work hard, you'll work hard and you'll never have to worry about handing over half of everything that you've earned.
Give it a while before you put out, but not forever. It takes me about 2-3 months of practice pretty much everyday in order to make something into a habit. If I want to do this new thing into the long term, then I'll need 2-3 months of doing it over and over in order to make it stick. I don't know if that's how long you need to wait to put out, but it couldn't hurt. I want to be in love and have that relationship that fulfills me. So I'm really turned off of girls that put out too easily. I've also had several STD scares which have made me paranoid. What I'm saying here is that if I were to go out with a chick now, and she didn't put out for 2-3 months of consistent dating, I would've have given up on the 3rd date.
My lack of willpower would be the reason for this and to the girl that doesn't want to put out that soon, congrats, you'll find a better man than me. One day, when I grow up and learn to control myself and not be such a freak when it comes to the old in-n-out, perhaps I'll be able to take my own advice and end up in love. Who knows? I'll need at least 2-3 months of practicing being a good person before that could realistically be achieved.
Don't be an alcoholic or a drug addict. If you are one of these two things then look forward to my next big The Answers project, How to Be a Whore. Bit of a spoiler alert, nobody really wants to be a whore, male or female. You just kind of end up there because of trauma, mental health, a dark past that had no dark jokes to alleviate some of the pain. You get the picture. So, if you're addicted to alcohol, which is a drug, then get help. If you're addicted to another less well branded and publicly available drug, then email me your experience with the drug and where I can get some. Then, get some help.
Don't be psychotically religious, that shit is scary. Being addicted to your religion makes you somehow less rational than the worst meth addict. They aren't physically capable of distinguishing the difference between what is real and what is not. But the psychotically religious person simply chooses, in perfect health mind you, to not distinguish between what is real and what is not. So, have your religion but don't quote entire passages from your book within the first hour that we know each other. That will creep me out and I'll certainly write you into one of my dark jokes.
Don't have a terribly traumatic backstory that you go out of your way to tell everyone. This might be that you used to be a drug/alcohol/religion addict until you read my post "How to get a Boyfriend." Yes, this very post. You went and got help and changed for the better and you've been in the clear ever since. Only thing, you can't go on more than one date with every guy that you meet. It's because you keep telling them about all the trauma that lead up to your life altering epiphany, that moment when you read "How to get a Boyfriend" by the Comedy Apprentice. (Oh yeah baby) Well, stop doing that. I'm glad, we're glad, the whole world is glad that you got your life together. But nobody wants to feel like they will be inheriting all that shit if they get with you. So, save it for the 1st month anniversary or whatever.
That's pretty much it, if you follow these steps, you will certainly learn how to get a boyfriend. I'm glad that I could be of service. Stay tuned to Comedy Apprentice for all my dark jokes, short jokes and my dark humor. All my jokes are short unless there is a good reason for making them long. So, there is that. And yeah, thanks for reading and I'll see you on the next one!
Jokes: 11 Short Jokes That Reflect the Inner Machinations of our World
Here are 11 of the finest short jokes that I could muster one evening before work. Please enjoy and share them with your friends!
Earning a college degree teaches you how to be a manager with non answers.
Trusting pimp let's girls do their own bookkeeping.
Community focused combat vet eager to show off ear collection taken from enemies.
Reformed college sex addict teaching couples how to "slut it up" in their relationships. One of her reviews said that she was "Very hands on. More than willing to show us exactly what to do." Some are concerned that this behavior might be triggering for the former education major but she insists "This is not a setup for a three way."
Health conscious drug dealer assures clients "relapse is a part of recovery."
Reviews are mixed for the secret novel that took everyone by surprise, "11 Rules of Great Parenting by Charles Manson."
Obvious traumatic brain injury sufferer President Donald Trump dismisses severity of brain injuries.
Facebook cozy room photo liker and blogger Martha Dimwittie found to be a closeted anarchist after she retweet a post about living without rules or limitations.
Racist coronavirus only killing Asians so far. Social justice advocates volunteer others for possible expansion project in the name of equality.
Former drug addicts explain that prison time helped them get clean contradicting dick headed Criminology professor who doesn't actually know anything.
"Success is much easier to borrow from parents" -2nd generation wealth
Enjoy these short jokes and share them with all your friends!
Earning a college degree teaches you how to be a manager with non answers.
Trusting pimp let's girls do their own bookkeeping.
Community focused combat vet eager to show off ear collection taken from enemies.
Reformed college sex addict teaching couples how to "slut it up" in their relationships. One of her reviews said that she was "Very hands on. More than willing to show us exactly what to do." Some are concerned that this behavior might be triggering for the former education major but she insists "This is not a setup for a three way."
Health conscious drug dealer assures clients "relapse is a part of recovery."
Reviews are mixed for the secret novel that took everyone by surprise, "11 Rules of Great Parenting by Charles Manson."
Obvious traumatic brain injury sufferer President Donald Trump dismisses severity of brain injuries.
Facebook cozy room photo liker and blogger Martha Dimwittie found to be a closeted anarchist after she retweet a post about living without rules or limitations.
Racist coronavirus only killing Asians so far. Social justice advocates volunteer others for possible expansion project in the name of equality.
Former drug addicts explain that prison time helped them get clean contradicting dick headed Criminology professor who doesn't actually know anything.
"Success is much easier to borrow from parents" -2nd generation wealth
Enjoy these short jokes and share them with all your friends!
Jokes: 12 Jokes, All Short, Some Dark
It's a good thing I learned to touch type because I'm writing this while I'm blind drunk. Couldn't manually spell check this thing even if I wanted to.
It's gonna be a while before I'll be able to make any videos. My setup is glitched and I've gotta wait for somebody smarter than me to fix it. This isn't really a joke, I just think it's funny that my operation can be so easily derailed.
Punk geologist prefers to rock out. ( I know, I know. But I love this joke anyway.)
Low self esteem trash pile thinks he's down in the dumps.
Innocent Lion sentenced to 20 years in solitary confinement with gawking tourists as his only interaction.
Obviously mentally ill man entertains delusion of leaving a positive impact on the world.
Phone-ee friends never prefer text messages. Talking more personal. (I love phone calls.)
I went to the store to get some toilet paper, deodorant and some ready made frozen biscuits. But I ended up at the liquor store. So, honestly, I don't know where I went.
Lustful organ harvesters want me for my body.
Loose lipped twink popular in prison.
If you're ate up with Hell, you know the Devil has sharp teeth.
Love letter to earthquake quotes AC-DC, "You shook me all night long."
Dreamy trucker asleep at the wheel again.
Blind new guy getting a feel for the office.
Keep clicking my new posts if you want more short jokes and more dark jokes. Don't forget, you can experience my dark humor every day. That's because I post every single day! What's better than that? I can't think of anything. Stay tuned and cheers!
It's gonna be a while before I'll be able to make any videos. My setup is glitched and I've gotta wait for somebody smarter than me to fix it. This isn't really a joke, I just think it's funny that my operation can be so easily derailed.
Punk geologist prefers to rock out. ( I know, I know. But I love this joke anyway.)
Low self esteem trash pile thinks he's down in the dumps.
Innocent Lion sentenced to 20 years in solitary confinement with gawking tourists as his only interaction.
Obviously mentally ill man entertains delusion of leaving a positive impact on the world.
Phone-ee friends never prefer text messages. Talking more personal. (I love phone calls.)
I went to the store to get some toilet paper, deodorant and some ready made frozen biscuits. But I ended up at the liquor store. So, honestly, I don't know where I went.
Lustful organ harvesters want me for my body.
Loose lipped twink popular in prison.
If you're ate up with Hell, you know the Devil has sharp teeth.
Love letter to earthquake quotes AC-DC, "You shook me all night long."
Dreamy trucker asleep at the wheel again.
Blind new guy getting a feel for the office.
Keep clicking my new posts if you want more short jokes and more dark jokes. Don't forget, you can experience my dark humor every day. That's because I post every single day! What's better than that? I can't think of anything. Stay tuned and cheers!
Comedy Apprentice Contributor: Cooter Dwyane Delmonty Introduction
Howdy yall, I'm Cooter Dwyane Delmonty. Lotta people call me CD. You can always catch ole CD on the CB if you know what I mean. I read Comedy Apprentice for the dark humor, dark jokes and the short jokes. Sometimes the fellar that runs this website can get a bit long winded but I ain't gonna hold that against him. My preacher on Sunday gets mighty long winded too and that don't make me stop going to church.
I drive a truck for a living. I like football and beer! I remember the good old days when I was running the football for the Murphy Bulldogs of Murphy NC. There was no shortage of big strong guys piling on top of my back with all their strength. Man those were the days. If only I could go back into them days and introduce my buddies to Mimosas. I can't think of anything more relaxing after a long, hard fought game than a couple of sweet, bubbly drinks for me and all the boys.
I work hard boys, so my flannel shirts and my truck cabin can really take a beating. That's why I'm fortunate to have had my Mammaw teach me how to sew. I'm also fortunate to have Pinterest. I mean, where else could I find such awesome step by step tutorials for stitching patterns into the ceiling of my truck cabin? I made the coolest kaleidoscope lookin' pattern up there. It's an awesome website man. I followed a step by step tutorial for installing light reflectors on my boots. Some people call it bedazzlin' but I see the practical use of the glimmering lights. I tell ya, much as the boys at work may make fun of me, I sure ain't had my toes stepped on recently.
I wish I had me a wife and kids to come home to but that ain't happened yet. I ain't no good with the women. I meet em', take em' to the spa and we get our nails done together. I treat em' to the nicest bottle of sparkling Rose' that I can afford and then they tell me they just want to be "glam fam" with me when I make my move. I still ain't sure what that means, but I won't give up on em'. There's one out there for me just like there is for everyone out there.
So, that's all there is to know about me pretty much. I met this here Comedy Apprentice fellar when I saw him do stand-up at an open mic in a truck stop on the outskirts of Asheville, NC. I tried to buy him a Mimosa but he said he likes Moscow Mules. We drank and hung out for a bit. He thought I would have some funny stories to share with all yall. So I figure I'll write a few up for ya ever now and again. Thankee Comedy Apprentice for takin' me on and thanks to all yall that read this here piece. Take care and be good yall. CD out!
I drive a truck for a living. I like football and beer! I remember the good old days when I was running the football for the Murphy Bulldogs of Murphy NC. There was no shortage of big strong guys piling on top of my back with all their strength. Man those were the days. If only I could go back into them days and introduce my buddies to Mimosas. I can't think of anything more relaxing after a long, hard fought game than a couple of sweet, bubbly drinks for me and all the boys.
I work hard boys, so my flannel shirts and my truck cabin can really take a beating. That's why I'm fortunate to have had my Mammaw teach me how to sew. I'm also fortunate to have Pinterest. I mean, where else could I find such awesome step by step tutorials for stitching patterns into the ceiling of my truck cabin? I made the coolest kaleidoscope lookin' pattern up there. It's an awesome website man. I followed a step by step tutorial for installing light reflectors on my boots. Some people call it bedazzlin' but I see the practical use of the glimmering lights. I tell ya, much as the boys at work may make fun of me, I sure ain't had my toes stepped on recently.
I wish I had me a wife and kids to come home to but that ain't happened yet. I ain't no good with the women. I meet em', take em' to the spa and we get our nails done together. I treat em' to the nicest bottle of sparkling Rose' that I can afford and then they tell me they just want to be "glam fam" with me when I make my move. I still ain't sure what that means, but I won't give up on em'. There's one out there for me just like there is for everyone out there.
So, that's all there is to know about me pretty much. I met this here Comedy Apprentice fellar when I saw him do stand-up at an open mic in a truck stop on the outskirts of Asheville, NC. I tried to buy him a Mimosa but he said he likes Moscow Mules. We drank and hung out for a bit. He thought I would have some funny stories to share with all yall. So I figure I'll write a few up for ya ever now and again. Thankee Comedy Apprentice for takin' me on and thanks to all yall that read this here piece. Take care and be good yall. CD out!
Jokes:8 Short Jokes Delivered With Your Own Incomparable Gusto!
So, I'm writing a lot of jokes only posts lately. I have the most fun writing those posts. But they don't have a very large word count or a bunch of keywords. So they won't kick ass at search engine optimization. This is why I need everybody who reads these things to share them on social media. If you all do that, then your friends will get a chuckle and I'll be able to make it big. Win-win baby, so share these posts on your social media.
Full disclosure, if you share my shit with your family and friends there is a good chance that you'll be ostracized. I make fun of everyone especially all of us ghostly looking honkies.
Here's a modified version of a joke from the funniest man of all time: "Quitting drinking is easy, I've done it thousands of times." The original joke was from Mark Twain and it read: "Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it thousands of times." Isn't that amazing that he wrote a joke that was so timeless that it could get laughs even today? I never knew how much I really loved that guy till I started studying comedy writing.
Cancer fan takes up smoking to fulfill lifelong dream.
Anti-teeth man takes up dipping to lessen his chewing potential.
Cigar enthusiast doesn't "need all of his mouth."
Local man breaks record for most inappropriate messages sent while eating chicken biscuits and drinking coconut flavored cocktails.
That last one was just a true account of my life.
I'd believe in myself if my toaster would let me.
I'd take out the trash if my toaster would stop telling me that there are government agents waiting for me to fall into that trap.
Apparently, government agents are the ones would made cheesy eggs last night and made a mess of the whole kitchen and not me. What a bunch of assholes. I could have cooked if you just asked. Let's sit down and have meals together like the family that we are.
I recently updated my review of Red Steel from 2006 on the Nintendo Wii. Click here to check it out:https://www.comedyapprentice.com/2019/09/video-game-review-my-love-will-go-on.html. I love this game and the review. So check it out homie!
I didn't spell check this because I'm hammered. Please forgive if there are some mistakes. If this message is still here when this thing goes up then know that I meant to make it back to check lol.
Full disclosure, if you share my shit with your family and friends there is a good chance that you'll be ostracized. I make fun of everyone especially all of us ghostly looking honkies.
Here's a modified version of a joke from the funniest man of all time: "Quitting drinking is easy, I've done it thousands of times." The original joke was from Mark Twain and it read: "Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it thousands of times." Isn't that amazing that he wrote a joke that was so timeless that it could get laughs even today? I never knew how much I really loved that guy till I started studying comedy writing.
Cancer fan takes up smoking to fulfill lifelong dream.
Anti-teeth man takes up dipping to lessen his chewing potential.
Cigar enthusiast doesn't "need all of his mouth."
Local man breaks record for most inappropriate messages sent while eating chicken biscuits and drinking coconut flavored cocktails.
That last one was just a true account of my life.
I'd believe in myself if my toaster would let me.
I'd take out the trash if my toaster would stop telling me that there are government agents waiting for me to fall into that trap.
Apparently, government agents are the ones would made cheesy eggs last night and made a mess of the whole kitchen and not me. What a bunch of assholes. I could have cooked if you just asked. Let's sit down and have meals together like the family that we are.
I recently updated my review of Red Steel from 2006 on the Nintendo Wii. Click here to check it out:https://www.comedyapprentice.com/2019/09/video-game-review-my-love-will-go-on.html. I love this game and the review. So check it out homie!
I didn't spell check this because I'm hammered. Please forgive if there are some mistakes. If this message is still here when this thing goes up then know that I meant to make it back to check lol.
Jokes: 9 Short Jokes That I'll be Glad to Tell at the Open Mic in any Honkytonk
I wanna have sex the way that most people want to play bowling. It's a good excuse to get drunk and make some noise, but not much else.
I don't need an excuse to get drunk but it's good to be prepared.
If you don't start early you'll never be able to drink all day.
Heavy drinking comic only hears booze. "Makes me thirsty." He said.
Drinking alcohol is like time travel that only goes into the future. You take "too much" alcohol and then wake up in an unfamiliar time period. Could be several days later.
Just switched from champagne to cocktails and it didn't cost me a thing. My neighbor hates locking his door.
In spite of that first joke, I don't really want to have sex. At least, I don't want to have sex at my place. I mean who really wants to deal with all that clean-up? Not me. But I equally don't want to sleep in musky sex smell for several weeks till I decide to wash everything again.
I have been getting drunk everyday on all my off days. If they'd let me drink at work then I'd never have an off day. As far as I can tell, I don't get any worse at bartending when I'm drunk. I mean, I'm my own personal bartender and I've been loving my work all week. I'm damn near ready to give myself a promotion.
I wanna get lit enough to go to sleep but the light is too bright.
I don't need an excuse to get drunk but it's good to be prepared.
If you don't start early you'll never be able to drink all day.
Heavy drinking comic only hears booze. "Makes me thirsty." He said.
Drinking alcohol is like time travel that only goes into the future. You take "too much" alcohol and then wake up in an unfamiliar time period. Could be several days later.
Just switched from champagne to cocktails and it didn't cost me a thing. My neighbor hates locking his door.
In spite of that first joke, I don't really want to have sex. At least, I don't want to have sex at my place. I mean who really wants to deal with all that clean-up? Not me. But I equally don't want to sleep in musky sex smell for several weeks till I decide to wash everything again.
I have been getting drunk everyday on all my off days. If they'd let me drink at work then I'd never have an off day. As far as I can tell, I don't get any worse at bartending when I'm drunk. I mean, I'm my own personal bartender and I've been loving my work all week. I'm damn near ready to give myself a promotion.
I wanna get lit enough to go to sleep but the light is too bright.
Jokes: 11 Short Play on Words Jokes to Delight Wordplay Folks
Drinking cheap sparkling wine can be champainful.
Nerdy hooker wants to comic strip.
Champagne all day every day surprisingly not good for bubbly personality.
Disappointing preacher becoming more sins-ical.
Heavy drinker tired of concrete bottles.
Harmless loiterer destroyed by words not pertaining to sticks or stones. His family would have acted differently if not for misinformation.
Drunken sunburnt tourists are known to red wine.
Clumsy fallen angel blames balance for founding of Hell.
Little bitch coworker thinks kissing lips to be overrated. Prefers ass cheeks of the boss.
Married life appears to be death.
Cheapskate waits for ice to travel.
Nerdy hooker wants to comic strip.
Champagne all day every day surprisingly not good for bubbly personality.
Disappointing preacher becoming more sins-ical.
Heavy drinker tired of concrete bottles.
Harmless loiterer destroyed by words not pertaining to sticks or stones. His family would have acted differently if not for misinformation.
Drunken sunburnt tourists are known to red wine.
Clumsy fallen angel blames balance for founding of Hell.
Little bitch coworker thinks kissing lips to be overrated. Prefers ass cheeks of the boss.
Married life appears to be death.
Cheapskate waits for ice to travel.
Jokes: 9 Echoes of an Evening in the Holler a Writin' and a Boozin'
Country music was designed so that you would have something to listen to when you're drinking by yourself.
For the people that don't recommend drinking alone, well I don't recommend drinking at all. But I know that I will be.
If I don't drink, how will I know to drink water to stay hydrated?
If I don't have hangover headaches, then who will visit with the cashier in the pharmacy at Wal-Mart?
If I stop drinking will my memory of my shitty past come back? Well that's not exactly a positive incentive there cowboy.
I called you a cowboy in that last joke because I always listen to country music when I'm drinking. Which is also the reason why I can remember most of the words to country music songs. Not all of them though, nobody has a memory that good.
I'd rather stay home and drink than go out and meet my soul mate. I think I'll know my soul mate when she staggers over to my bar stool and calls me a name that ain't mine.
I used ain't in that last joke because I'm listening to country music while I drink and write.
If you're wondering why I'm drinking and listening to country music while I'm writing, it's because I want to keep posting, but I don't have one creative thought to express. In a situation like that, you need the only medicine that makes it impossible for you to shut up...BOOZE!!
For the people that don't recommend drinking alone, well I don't recommend drinking at all. But I know that I will be.
If I don't drink, how will I know to drink water to stay hydrated?
If I don't have hangover headaches, then who will visit with the cashier in the pharmacy at Wal-Mart?
If I stop drinking will my memory of my shitty past come back? Well that's not exactly a positive incentive there cowboy.
I called you a cowboy in that last joke because I always listen to country music when I'm drinking. Which is also the reason why I can remember most of the words to country music songs. Not all of them though, nobody has a memory that good.
I'd rather stay home and drink than go out and meet my soul mate. I think I'll know my soul mate when she staggers over to my bar stool and calls me a name that ain't mine.
I used ain't in that last joke because I'm listening to country music while I drink and write.
If you're wondering why I'm drinking and listening to country music while I'm writing, it's because I want to keep posting, but I don't have one creative thought to express. In a situation like that, you need the only medicine that makes it impossible for you to shut up...BOOZE!!
Jokes: 8 Short Reflections on the State of Man Disguised as Short Jokes
Belly full of booze good for curing feelings of emptiness...for a few hours anyway.
Hell is actually cold and it's near lake Michigan, in Illinois in the winter time.
I want to move to Chicago so badly. Maybe Hell is New Jersey at any time of the year. Or any place where there isn't any booze.
The few hours part of the first joke mostly depends on how much booze you have.
I started by singing at church and then I started singing at work. Both are really hard to make it to on time. Especially so when you've got a hangover.
Some people will think that my last joke is awful. But what better time is there to go to church than when you've got a hangover? You've almost certainly got some things to repent.
Thanks to Disney, one day I want to have a passive aggressive relationship with a bi-polar female lion one day.
I mean, honestly, how did Nala think the guy would react to basically making love all night and then having her thrust all the problems of the kingdom on him the next morning? That's just fucked up.
Hell is actually cold and it's near lake Michigan, in Illinois in the winter time.
I want to move to Chicago so badly. Maybe Hell is New Jersey at any time of the year. Or any place where there isn't any booze.
The few hours part of the first joke mostly depends on how much booze you have.
I started by singing at church and then I started singing at work. Both are really hard to make it to on time. Especially so when you've got a hangover.
Some people will think that my last joke is awful. But what better time is there to go to church than when you've got a hangover? You've almost certainly got some things to repent.
Thanks to Disney, one day I want to have a passive aggressive relationship with a bi-polar female lion one day.
I mean, honestly, how did Nala think the guy would react to basically making love all night and then having her thrust all the problems of the kingdom on him the next morning? That's just fucked up.
Jokes: 8 Dark Musings Disguised as Dark Jokes (Bring your flashlight)
I want to make wine out of the pears and oranges that I bought today. My reasoning is that they taste pretty good but they won't get me drunk.
I need to get drunk enough to get back in the bed because I can go to sleep there. This is my form of time travel. If I do this until my next work day, I'll skip all the purposeless misery and go back to being worthy of my existence.
Parent's that want you to kill yourself insist on reminding you of all the people that love you and vengefully market your depression as a personal dig at those people.
My philosophy is that I can't tell the future, don't know what will happen next but, well yes I do. I'll have another drink.
If I were doing that last joke in a stand-up setting I would pretend to be drunker than I am and would shout "Yeehooo!!" at the end of it. Perfect exclamation.
I can tell the future. I usually see it in dreams. Sober dreams too. Drunken stupor dreams turn into wet dreams but only from the homeless people pissing on me behind a dumpster on the rougher side of town.
I slept 15 hours each of the last two days and I've got nothing but regrets. But, none of them are about all that bomb ass sleep. Dreaming likamufucka
Pear and orange flavored wine would be fucking dope and nobody needs to justify that shit. It just would be.
I need to get drunk enough to get back in the bed because I can go to sleep there. This is my form of time travel. If I do this until my next work day, I'll skip all the purposeless misery and go back to being worthy of my existence.
Parent's that want you to kill yourself insist on reminding you of all the people that love you and vengefully market your depression as a personal dig at those people.
My philosophy is that I can't tell the future, don't know what will happen next but, well yes I do. I'll have another drink.
If I were doing that last joke in a stand-up setting I would pretend to be drunker than I am and would shout "Yeehooo!!" at the end of it. Perfect exclamation.
I can tell the future. I usually see it in dreams. Sober dreams too. Drunken stupor dreams turn into wet dreams but only from the homeless people pissing on me behind a dumpster on the rougher side of town.
I slept 15 hours each of the last two days and I've got nothing but regrets. But, none of them are about all that bomb ass sleep. Dreaming likamufucka
Pear and orange flavored wine would be fucking dope and nobody needs to justify that shit. It just would be.
Jokes: 7 Tally Marks for Dark Humor (Well, maybe not that dark.)
Every time I make up my mind to volunteer, I remember that there is a cost of living. I can barely afford it.
The cost of living goes up every time I have to listen to customer's opinions on politics. The cost being my soul.
I should have one the award in HS for most likely to smile while dead inside. Not class clown. Or maybe those two have always been the same thing.
In truth, I did try to volunteer at an animal shelter but they wouldn't let me because they thought I would too pawtective of the critters.
My cost of living is high because my inspirations are bottles of champagne and cheesecake.
I'm not dead inside but I have swallowed a few bugs on accident. So the dead is inside of me. This was also what happens when you get raped by a zombie.
A baby smiled and waved at me in Wal-Mart today. Which means that he was the only person that was happy to see me so far in the month of February. Further, in the year of 2020.
The cost of living goes up every time I have to listen to customer's opinions on politics. The cost being my soul.
I should have one the award in HS for most likely to smile while dead inside. Not class clown. Or maybe those two have always been the same thing.
In truth, I did try to volunteer at an animal shelter but they wouldn't let me because they thought I would too pawtective of the critters.
My cost of living is high because my inspirations are bottles of champagne and cheesecake.
I'm not dead inside but I have swallowed a few bugs on accident. So the dead is inside of me. This was also what happens when you get raped by a zombie.
A baby smiled and waved at me in Wal-Mart today. Which means that he was the only person that was happy to see me so far in the month of February. Further, in the year of 2020.
Jokes: 9 Short Jokes for the Sake of Meta Humor
"I can finish 10 blog posts of high quality content today." 2 hours and 17 shots of vodka later and I'm wondering why the champagne isn't bubbly and why can't I get off the floor? Still happy though.
I would've gotten up and got more done today but there was a 2-D animated rabbit messing with me all morning. I went to get carrots for him but he left to go mess with some hunter.
That last joke was about Bugs Bunny. I fucking love Bugs Bunny. All other fictional bunnies can go fuck themselves. Bugs4lyfe bitch
The irony of the first joke is that I never make high quality content.
I went to the grocery store to get groceries but decided to burn it down on the way. Somebody beat me to it. So I volunteered for the clean up crew. I meant to spend an evening there and nothing was gonna stop me.
Don't worry about that last joke, there is more than one grocery store in town.
I'm glad February is almost over. My neighbor told me that the apocalypse is starting in March and that will probably be more exciting than working a Valentine's day event in a restaurant.
Thanks to alcohol, I may have life threatening liver damage. But thanks to alcohol, I can find a way to smile about it.
Full disclosure, I'm not smiling about that last joke, I'm smirking with my eyes low.
The Answers: How to be a Piece of Shit at Work in 3 Easy Steps
Being a piece of shit at work is easy, and especially easy for people who are pieces of shit everywhere. If you're a lazy motherfucker then this list won't really make sense to you because you already do all of this shit by default. This is for the standard to good worker that is fed up with their bullshit work environment and want to learn a new way to conduct themselves at work. This is your guide for how to be a piece of shit at work in 3 easy steps.
The first and only rule to apply to these three steps is this: be uninvolved and take credit for everything good. This one rule will make your life so much easier and everyone else super pissed. Which is fine. Another name for this post could be "How to be Way More Selfish." Just think of those piece of shit lazy fucks that never do anything. They never work on a new project, never produce anything, never do anything. And yet, they still make it somehow. You are going to be one of those pieces of shit.
1. Work really hard for the first two weeks. You still remember how to work hard from doing it all your life. Now you just have to prove you can do it for 2 weeks. 2 weeks of excellence and the occasional 2 days ever there after is enough excellence to trick employers into thinking that you are good, but just having an off day. The kind of off day that turns into an off week, off month and then an off career.
2. Get clocked in and then sit down. This has to do with jobs where you are primarily standing. One way to make sure that you're sitting down as soon as you clock in is to save your bathroom trips for the moment that you clock in. Even if you're a guy, sit down for your pee. This is to permanently imprint on your mind that you must always be sitting and doing something that really isn't productive for the company. If something has to be done, you aren't the guy to do it. Everyone knows that if you're asked to do something, then they'll have to wait on you to lift your slow ass up out of the chair that you're in. Then you become a non-option for actual work. You just look at work as a place to hang out and get paid. Which is fine, if you're a piece of shit.
3. Take naps when you can and ask for a raise. You've already established that you won't be doing anything productive unless somebody is willing to struggle to get you to. This is great! Now you can start specializing your skill in finding places to sit down. By specializing, I mean finding more comfortable places to sit. This is to make it easier to get in your quick "power naps". When you're inevitably caught, you tell everyone that you "can't sleep lately, too stressed about work." This ploy for sympathy will make them feel guilty about asking you to get the fuck up and get something done. With that in place, you can groggily ask for a raise. You think that you'd be less stressed if your financials were in better shape. You're not asking much, just double pay for a reliable guy that always brings a great attitude. You're also responsible for everything good and had nothing to do with anything bad. All of this has been pretexted already if you've followed the steps correctly.
So there you go, "How to be a Piece of Shit at Work in 3 Easy Steps." You'll never have to work hard again, except for those occasional two days in a row. After the 5 year mark at your company, you'll only have to surprise people with 1 day of hard work at a time. These techniques definitely won't get you fired. They will be so thankful for those once to twice a month hard work days from you that they'll be overjoyed just to be in your presence.
The first and only rule to apply to these three steps is this: be uninvolved and take credit for everything good. This one rule will make your life so much easier and everyone else super pissed. Which is fine. Another name for this post could be "How to be Way More Selfish." Just think of those piece of shit lazy fucks that never do anything. They never work on a new project, never produce anything, never do anything. And yet, they still make it somehow. You are going to be one of those pieces of shit.
1. Work really hard for the first two weeks. You still remember how to work hard from doing it all your life. Now you just have to prove you can do it for 2 weeks. 2 weeks of excellence and the occasional 2 days ever there after is enough excellence to trick employers into thinking that you are good, but just having an off day. The kind of off day that turns into an off week, off month and then an off career.
2. Get clocked in and then sit down. This has to do with jobs where you are primarily standing. One way to make sure that you're sitting down as soon as you clock in is to save your bathroom trips for the moment that you clock in. Even if you're a guy, sit down for your pee. This is to permanently imprint on your mind that you must always be sitting and doing something that really isn't productive for the company. If something has to be done, you aren't the guy to do it. Everyone knows that if you're asked to do something, then they'll have to wait on you to lift your slow ass up out of the chair that you're in. Then you become a non-option for actual work. You just look at work as a place to hang out and get paid. Which is fine, if you're a piece of shit.
3. Take naps when you can and ask for a raise. You've already established that you won't be doing anything productive unless somebody is willing to struggle to get you to. This is great! Now you can start specializing your skill in finding places to sit down. By specializing, I mean finding more comfortable places to sit. This is to make it easier to get in your quick "power naps". When you're inevitably caught, you tell everyone that you "can't sleep lately, too stressed about work." This ploy for sympathy will make them feel guilty about asking you to get the fuck up and get something done. With that in place, you can groggily ask for a raise. You think that you'd be less stressed if your financials were in better shape. You're not asking much, just double pay for a reliable guy that always brings a great attitude. You're also responsible for everything good and had nothing to do with anything bad. All of this has been pretexted already if you've followed the steps correctly.
So there you go, "How to be a Piece of Shit at Work in 3 Easy Steps." You'll never have to work hard again, except for those occasional two days in a row. After the 5 year mark at your company, you'll only have to surprise people with 1 day of hard work at a time. These techniques definitely won't get you fired. They will be so thankful for those once to twice a month hard work days from you that they'll be overjoyed just to be in your presence.
Katherine Jenkins - I Vow To Thee My Country
Is there a more beautiful song than this? If you're not from the UK then just imagine that she is singing this song for your country. God I love this song. Doesn't matter how stoned drunk I am at the time, this rendition of the song can still leak a few tears out of my eyes. I also cry when I listen to Nessum Dorma by pretty much anybody that sings it. Your neighbor could sing Nessum Dorma and make me cry just because He/She tried their best to perform maybe the most beautiful song I've ever heard. I'm so drunk that my face is numb right now lol. So here is what the really boozy Comedy Apprentice is like. Crying at patriotic music and eating chicken biscuit crackers. They are so good. I should write a review for them. Anyway, cheers!
Shot Glass Thought: Some People Won't Move Out
I don't know why, but there are so many people living with their parents for way too long. I know a few Narcissists that moved back in just to have a consistent group of people to torture. One in particular that stands out is an Instagram model wannabe that celebrates shit like becoming an assistant manager at a makeup company like she just became the first female president. Way to go, enjoy your $15/hr which is way less than most full time servers. She is one of those broads that hangs out in the empty ass mall all day melting her hair out as a demonstration for potential customers. Living the dream yo, keep on hustling till you're bald. I guess then they'll transfer her to the high end doo-rag department.
It's definitely not all women though, not even close. I know a dude that is in his 30's and he has never moved out and never intends to unless he's getting married. But nobody wants to marry a 33 year old baby. So, he's gonna be living there till his parent's die and probably afterwards too. He's graduated college and has a pretty decent job, plenty of expendable income. Yet, he does nothing. What's the deal? Why do people do this? Is comfort that important to people? I don't know why the narcissist broad or the dumb guy won't grow up. Maybe they've got the same issue, both are incredibly selfish.
I am a loner, live alone, work alone pretty much and chase my dreams alone. Maybe I'll never get to where I want to be. To the place in life that I'm striving to get to, but at least I'm not back home torturing my parents with my constant bullshit. I don't cause constant bullshit, but being at home past the ages of 18 to early 20's is a fucking nuisance. I don't really care what the reasons are for being back with your parents for the long term, move the fuck out. It's not healthy to keep living with them like a baby. Get out here in the world with the rest of us miserable fucks and start cooking your own meals and doing your own shit.
It's definitely not all women though, not even close. I know a dude that is in his 30's and he has never moved out and never intends to unless he's getting married. But nobody wants to marry a 33 year old baby. So, he's gonna be living there till his parent's die and probably afterwards too. He's graduated college and has a pretty decent job, plenty of expendable income. Yet, he does nothing. What's the deal? Why do people do this? Is comfort that important to people? I don't know why the narcissist broad or the dumb guy won't grow up. Maybe they've got the same issue, both are incredibly selfish.
I am a loner, live alone, work alone pretty much and chase my dreams alone. Maybe I'll never get to where I want to be. To the place in life that I'm striving to get to, but at least I'm not back home torturing my parents with my constant bullshit. I don't cause constant bullshit, but being at home past the ages of 18 to early 20's is a fucking nuisance. I don't really care what the reasons are for being back with your parents for the long term, move the fuck out. It's not healthy to keep living with them like a baby. Get out here in the world with the rest of us miserable fucks and start cooking your own meals and doing your own shit.
Shot Glass Thought: Life Keeps Going No Matter How Badly You Fail
This is not a message of inspiration. Nor should anyone take heart knowing that there will be more opportunities for them in life no matter how bad they fuck up. This is a reminder that unless your fuck up kills you, you'll have to go on living as a fuck up. Pretty much all the time in life, you'll swing and miss on the most important days of your life. I've already struck out on 2 love of my life candidates. Honestly, I wasn't that close to sealing the deal with either of them. At least with one of them I did my best. I still pester them with my friendship and I'm thankful for that. But you should not be.
My family and teachers wanted me to go off to University and become some kind of great academic and for while, I really gave it my best shot. But I failed, and the reason why I failed is because of a prior failure that I never dealt with. I failed to achieve my own financial independence until I had already left for college. I failed to realize that I had no interest in college and only wanted to become a comedian. So I started drinking and letting that consume me which led to the failure in school and helped to orchestrate the failure with a possible dream come true kind of woman. I have succeeded in becoming a pretty good bartender. I've succeeded in writing tons of jokes and posts for this website. That's pretty much it.
The things that I have accomplished, I am proud of. I am a good friend and a pretty safe driver and blah blah blah. All the peripheral shit I have down. Maybe there is still time to find that third love of my life candidate and maybe she'll be worth all the waiting and sorrow. But the other things that I've failed haunt me everyday. The love I had for basketball and all the injuries that I absorbed from it has left me in chronic pain. All for nothing. The family members that I spent the most time with weren't the ones that I should have been with. I've lost the ones that I should have visited more. The time spent elsewhere, was all but wasted.
Before you ask, yes I'm down in the dumps. I feel so far from where I want to be and I'm only barely out of a miserable situation that required an unbelievable amount of effort to get away from. So what do I do now? I just keep going and try to be kind to myself. I know I'm a failure and piece of shit for the most part. I know I've let down every expectation, but I'll just keep writing jokes anyway. I don't know what advice I can give except keep on moving forward and don't be like me.
Jokes
Murder stories on YouTube responsible for brutal killing of entire workday.
Aloof kitchen sink too far for cotton mouthed stoner.
Ex-Pilot becomes deep sea diver reaching all time low.
I'd have sex with a robot but only if it took me out for cheesecake first.
My family and teachers wanted me to go off to University and become some kind of great academic and for while, I really gave it my best shot. But I failed, and the reason why I failed is because of a prior failure that I never dealt with. I failed to achieve my own financial independence until I had already left for college. I failed to realize that I had no interest in college and only wanted to become a comedian. So I started drinking and letting that consume me which led to the failure in school and helped to orchestrate the failure with a possible dream come true kind of woman. I have succeeded in becoming a pretty good bartender. I've succeeded in writing tons of jokes and posts for this website. That's pretty much it.
The things that I have accomplished, I am proud of. I am a good friend and a pretty safe driver and blah blah blah. All the peripheral shit I have down. Maybe there is still time to find that third love of my life candidate and maybe she'll be worth all the waiting and sorrow. But the other things that I've failed haunt me everyday. The love I had for basketball and all the injuries that I absorbed from it has left me in chronic pain. All for nothing. The family members that I spent the most time with weren't the ones that I should have been with. I've lost the ones that I should have visited more. The time spent elsewhere, was all but wasted.
Before you ask, yes I'm down in the dumps. I feel so far from where I want to be and I'm only barely out of a miserable situation that required an unbelievable amount of effort to get away from. So what do I do now? I just keep going and try to be kind to myself. I know I'm a failure and piece of shit for the most part. I know I've let down every expectation, but I'll just keep writing jokes anyway. I don't know what advice I can give except keep on moving forward and don't be like me.
Jokes
Murder stories on YouTube responsible for brutal killing of entire workday.
Aloof kitchen sink too far for cotton mouthed stoner.
Ex-Pilot becomes deep sea diver reaching all time low.
I'd have sex with a robot but only if it took me out for cheesecake first.
The Answers: Why Should I be Afraid of Strangers in Rural North Carolina?
The reason why you should at least be cautious of strangers in rural NC is the same reason why you should be cautious anywhere. There is no more evil a creature, nor a creature capable of more evil than a human being. This is why the world of business, sales, exchanges of good and services is so comforting to me. There are incentives in place that protect you from complete unbridled insanity. Make no mistake, I've worked for and with plenty of nut jobs. Some people might consider me to be one of those nut jobs. You're just less likely to be abducted and killed by the guy that you have a turkey sandwich with in the break room everyday.
Out in the woods, out in the sketchy part of town at a sketchy party, there is almost no predicting what can happen. On the scale of paranoid, I fall somewhere in the middle of slightly paranoid to "Why is my toaster telling me to groom my neighbor's dog?". I am slow to trust and really quick to peace out. I don't like circumstances that mess with my gut feeling. I'll bail on almost anything if I get a bad feeling about it. Another one of my good rules is "If you feel like you're being watched, you are." Your senses are stronger than you think. My paranoia and distrust of my fellow man is much stronger. I've watched far too many crime documentaries to start buddying up with strangers and making tons of new friends on a whim.
All this being said, I'm really considering becoming a RentAFriend. It's a real thing, believe it or not. You can be paid to be someone's friend for an afternoon. The rates range from 10-50 dollars an hour. You are usually asked to show people around town, go out drinking or go to the movies. Stuff like that. I think I might love that. Plus, I'm not really the kind of person that rapists are looking for. I'm a hairy, old bald fat guy. That's not prime rapin' material from what I've read about rapists. Plus, I'm a great friend. I can make you laugh, I'm a good conservationist and a better listener.
People find me to be really easy to trust and be around. I am not totally sure why that is but it is. I think I'd like to specialize in hanging out with old people if I go through with it. I can absorb their wisdom and they have someone to talk to. It's a win win. Plus, it's pretty hard to get raped and abducted by someone in their 80's when you're a 26 year old in his 40's.
Out in the woods, out in the sketchy part of town at a sketchy party, there is almost no predicting what can happen. On the scale of paranoid, I fall somewhere in the middle of slightly paranoid to "Why is my toaster telling me to groom my neighbor's dog?". I am slow to trust and really quick to peace out. I don't like circumstances that mess with my gut feeling. I'll bail on almost anything if I get a bad feeling about it. Another one of my good rules is "If you feel like you're being watched, you are." Your senses are stronger than you think. My paranoia and distrust of my fellow man is much stronger. I've watched far too many crime documentaries to start buddying up with strangers and making tons of new friends on a whim.
All this being said, I'm really considering becoming a RentAFriend. It's a real thing, believe it or not. You can be paid to be someone's friend for an afternoon. The rates range from 10-50 dollars an hour. You are usually asked to show people around town, go out drinking or go to the movies. Stuff like that. I think I might love that. Plus, I'm not really the kind of person that rapists are looking for. I'm a hairy, old bald fat guy. That's not prime rapin' material from what I've read about rapists. Plus, I'm a great friend. I can make you laugh, I'm a good conservationist and a better listener.
People find me to be really easy to trust and be around. I am not totally sure why that is but it is. I think I'd like to specialize in hanging out with old people if I go through with it. I can absorb their wisdom and they have someone to talk to. It's a win win. Plus, it's pretty hard to get raped and abducted by someone in their 80's when you're a 26 year old in his 40's.
Shot Glass Thought: Take a Walk After the Rain and Smell the Air
For anyone that can, taking a walk is always a good thing. Post rain, even better. You don't have to go a crazy long way or make it to a specific target or anything like that. You just walk for a bit in some direction. I find this is the best way to combat depression. Besides doing, like a million other things. But this really helps me. It's not so good that you should stop taking your meds or anything. It's just good. One of the simple things that makes life a little bit better.
Think of all the days where work bitches at you, the TV and the news bitches at you. Your Facebook and your Twitter and your Email are all trying to sell you something or bitch at you. Sometimes it's just too much. If you can safely leave all technology behind and just take a short walk ever so often, you'll find that the world is so much more simple. I am the kind of guy that reads exhaustively. I can pretty much read almost every bit of text that I see everyday without getting tired. That's not a boast, it's just true. At the end of 7 days of reading and checking everything at work and constantly communicating and keeping up with family and loved ones, I'm spent.
I had a friend in HS that could barely read. He was a good dude, didn't think of much. Just liked certain things and people and just went about life, not thinking about things. He'd think about one thing at a time if he did think about something. Now, I couldn't function if I tried to emulate that full time. But ever so often, taking things the way he did can really help ease my mind. Taking a walk if good, but for full mind easing refreshment, take a walk after a rain. Really smell the air and take in all your surroundings. The world, which goes to fast even on it's slowest days, really seems to slow down when I do that.
Here's a couple jokes to compliment this post. I read it back and I didn't really think it was all that funny lol so here you go:
1. Joe Biden to skip the primary in NH by dressing in a frilly dress and skipping around picking flowers in South Carolina.
2. Taliban uneasy about signing peace deal with the US. Taliban leaders base their concerns on a consultation with Native Americans. The topic of discussion was indeed, peace treaties.
3. Unflappable Syrian soldiers continue their civil war to decide who will rule Syria, a country which is now 78% craters.
Think of all the days where work bitches at you, the TV and the news bitches at you. Your Facebook and your Twitter and your Email are all trying to sell you something or bitch at you. Sometimes it's just too much. If you can safely leave all technology behind and just take a short walk ever so often, you'll find that the world is so much more simple. I am the kind of guy that reads exhaustively. I can pretty much read almost every bit of text that I see everyday without getting tired. That's not a boast, it's just true. At the end of 7 days of reading and checking everything at work and constantly communicating and keeping up with family and loved ones, I'm spent.
I had a friend in HS that could barely read. He was a good dude, didn't think of much. Just liked certain things and people and just went about life, not thinking about things. He'd think about one thing at a time if he did think about something. Now, I couldn't function if I tried to emulate that full time. But ever so often, taking things the way he did can really help ease my mind. Taking a walk if good, but for full mind easing refreshment, take a walk after a rain. Really smell the air and take in all your surroundings. The world, which goes to fast even on it's slowest days, really seems to slow down when I do that.
Here's a couple jokes to compliment this post. I read it back and I didn't really think it was all that funny lol so here you go:
1. Joe Biden to skip the primary in NH by dressing in a frilly dress and skipping around picking flowers in South Carolina.
2. Taliban uneasy about signing peace deal with the US. Taliban leaders base their concerns on a consultation with Native Americans. The topic of discussion was indeed, peace treaties.
3. Unflappable Syrian soldiers continue their civil war to decide who will rule Syria, a country which is now 78% craters.
Shot Glass Thought: I Want to Learn More About Micro Dosing Psychedelics
Depression fucks you everyday and never asks permission first. It weighs you down and makes you miserable. When I'm depressed, my decision making is worse, my romance dies and my friends think that I'm a different person. At the time of this writing, my meds are being re-evaluated and I'm pretty much making due without them for the time being. So, you may conclude that I feel like shit. You're right, I feel as foul and unproductive as a person can. I'm still doing stuff, but I feel like I'm doing the minimum.
This is where the micro dosing comes in. I have been depressed for so long that I am ready for something unconventional. I am worried about triggering psychosis because I've had trouble with that in the past. I'm not going to go into great detail, because that's not what this post is about. Though, I think I have referenced it and made jokes about it before. Some of which, were really funny. One story that comes to mind is a time period in my life when I thought that I could fly. Everyday I would wake up brimming with confidence, joy and poorly masked mania because "Today, I'm GONNA FLY!"
The period of consistent delusion is far behind me now. Depression on the other hand, remains. I have taken psychedelics in the past and abused alcohol. But I've never taken small doses of anything. I have heard that micro dosing LSD and shrooms can help you regulate serotonin. That's really the issue right? The serotonin in my brain is fucked? Or maybe, I'm just "A millennial snowflake that can't cope with the real world! Probably a cross-dressing liberal too!".
No, I'm not any of that. I just feel like complete poo all the time. Although, I suppose that it is true that I struggle with coping with every day life. There are times when it doesn't matter what I do, I just feel awful. Except writing jokes, that's something I always feel like doing if only for a little while. Whatever I decide to do, I'm going to do more research. Not just on this, but on how to be more funny, be a better friend, how to be more wise. So on and so forth. I don't want to make something like this a quick, in-the-moment kind of decision. I'm not the kind of guy that goes out for groceries on Thursday and then somehow ends up married in Vegas by Monday.
The Answers: What Does it Mean When You Dream About Snakes?
This is a question that I'm sure all of us have asked at some point. Usually when we wake up out of breath and in a sweat over a nightmare involving a snake. I'm particularly interested in finding out what these dreams mean according to the internet because I am prone to having a wide variety of snake related dreams. I'll discuss a few here before I get started for looking this stuff up. But first, would you like to read my take on some on the current geopolitical landscape?
Didn't think so. Snakes bite me in my dreams all the time. They are always normal sized snakes in these dreams. Another dream about snakes that I frequently have is when I go to investigate something out in nature. I'll be pulling rubble away and digging deeper into the ground when I'll come across a pattern. When I start pulling at it like a total numb nut, the patterned rubble reveals itself to be several pythons all piled together. Then, I turn around and see that I am impossibly surrounded by snakes.
The number of snakes around me is so great that I would not be able to take a single step without making contact with one of them. This is a level of panic comparable to when I attend any big gathering that I'm not working. Work gives structure and purpose to a giant loud shindig. But participation just makes me want to drink until I wake up sleeping with goats in a barn while my phone plays Sinatra radio on Pandora.
The last snake dream that I can think of right now happened a long time ago. I guess, maybe 5 or 6 years ago. That seems like a long time to me. I'm swimming on the surface of a lake in the dream and feel a sudden urge to look under the water. I carry on swimming but the urge gets greater. Finally, I look under the water and see that the lake is impossibly deep. There are skyscraper sized snakes underneath me. I don't scream as they are just swimming along not noticing me. But then I look down below all the other snakes. There is a green snake that seems to be looking right at me. I pull my head up from the water and look for a possible way to escape. When I look back down under the water, the green snake dashes toward me to consume me and I wake up, having thoroughly shit the bed.
So now, let's actually get some answers from the internet. Looks like if snakes scare you and one bites you in your dream, it could mean that there is some unpredictable element in your life. Snakes are unpredictable like that. There is not very much in my life that is unpredictable now, but the last several years were extremely unpredictable. I never knew where I'd be working, what I'd be doing. It was pretty tough. Nowadays, I'm positive every morning when I wake up that I'll be writing about making a poo in the bed after a scary dream or any other number of comparable scenarios.
Snakes that are hidden or are hard to find like I described in the digging through the rubble scenario can mean that there is a betrayal coming your way. Most people, myself included never see a betrayal coming. So, that makes sense to me. Well, I'm pretty sure that I'll be betrayed soon on account of a text that I received from an untraceable phone number. It read "Expect a betrayal soon." Pretty ominous huh? That message is pretty cut and dry even for someone as dense as me. Of course, there could always be some underlying symbolism to it I suppose. Maybe that will be another post on a later day. "Understanding Cryptic and Scary Messages from Strangers."...."In 3 quick steps." "Number 2 is INSANE!" Yeah, probably not going to happen unless I get a cryptic, scary message telling me that I have to make that post.
There is a bit of information on my giant, green snake dream. A big green snake being in the dream is supposed to be a promise of recovery for the ill. That's interesting because at the time that I had the dream I was going through some serious mental illness. Seeing tons of snakes underwater might have meant that I was in an unfavorable situation. That was also very true at the time. I am since enjoying much better working and living circumstances. This has been a fun post to make, I'll probably cover more dream related stuff in the future. I'm one of those kooks that remembers their dreams without writing them down sometimes. Look for more stuff like this in the future.
These are my sources:
https://checkmydream.com/dream-meaning/big--snake
http://www.dreammoods.com/commondreams/snake-dreams.html
Didn't think so. Snakes bite me in my dreams all the time. They are always normal sized snakes in these dreams. Another dream about snakes that I frequently have is when I go to investigate something out in nature. I'll be pulling rubble away and digging deeper into the ground when I'll come across a pattern. When I start pulling at it like a total numb nut, the patterned rubble reveals itself to be several pythons all piled together. Then, I turn around and see that I am impossibly surrounded by snakes.
The number of snakes around me is so great that I would not be able to take a single step without making contact with one of them. This is a level of panic comparable to when I attend any big gathering that I'm not working. Work gives structure and purpose to a giant loud shindig. But participation just makes me want to drink until I wake up sleeping with goats in a barn while my phone plays Sinatra radio on Pandora.
The last snake dream that I can think of right now happened a long time ago. I guess, maybe 5 or 6 years ago. That seems like a long time to me. I'm swimming on the surface of a lake in the dream and feel a sudden urge to look under the water. I carry on swimming but the urge gets greater. Finally, I look under the water and see that the lake is impossibly deep. There are skyscraper sized snakes underneath me. I don't scream as they are just swimming along not noticing me. But then I look down below all the other snakes. There is a green snake that seems to be looking right at me. I pull my head up from the water and look for a possible way to escape. When I look back down under the water, the green snake dashes toward me to consume me and I wake up, having thoroughly shit the bed.
So now, let's actually get some answers from the internet. Looks like if snakes scare you and one bites you in your dream, it could mean that there is some unpredictable element in your life. Snakes are unpredictable like that. There is not very much in my life that is unpredictable now, but the last several years were extremely unpredictable. I never knew where I'd be working, what I'd be doing. It was pretty tough. Nowadays, I'm positive every morning when I wake up that I'll be writing about making a poo in the bed after a scary dream or any other number of comparable scenarios.
Snakes that are hidden or are hard to find like I described in the digging through the rubble scenario can mean that there is a betrayal coming your way. Most people, myself included never see a betrayal coming. So, that makes sense to me. Well, I'm pretty sure that I'll be betrayed soon on account of a text that I received from an untraceable phone number. It read "Expect a betrayal soon." Pretty ominous huh? That message is pretty cut and dry even for someone as dense as me. Of course, there could always be some underlying symbolism to it I suppose. Maybe that will be another post on a later day. "Understanding Cryptic and Scary Messages from Strangers."...."In 3 quick steps." "Number 2 is INSANE!" Yeah, probably not going to happen unless I get a cryptic, scary message telling me that I have to make that post.
There is a bit of information on my giant, green snake dream. A big green snake being in the dream is supposed to be a promise of recovery for the ill. That's interesting because at the time that I had the dream I was going through some serious mental illness. Seeing tons of snakes underwater might have meant that I was in an unfavorable situation. That was also very true at the time. I am since enjoying much better working and living circumstances. This has been a fun post to make, I'll probably cover more dream related stuff in the future. I'm one of those kooks that remembers their dreams without writing them down sometimes. Look for more stuff like this in the future.
These are my sources:
https://checkmydream.com/dream-meaning/big--snake
http://www.dreammoods.com/commondreams/snake-dreams.html
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