Shot Glass Thought: I Want to Learn More About Micro Dosing Psychedelics

Depression fucks you everyday and never asks permission first. It weighs you down and makes you miserable. When I'm depressed, my decision making is worse, my romance dies and my friends think that I'm a different person. At the time of this writing, my meds are being re-evaluated and I'm pretty much making due without them for the time being. So, you may conclude that I feel like shit. You're right, I feel as foul and unproductive as a person can. I'm still doing stuff, but I feel like I'm doing the minimum. 

This is where the micro dosing comes in. I have been depressed for so long that I am ready for something unconventional. I am worried about triggering psychosis because I've had trouble with that in the past. I'm not going to go into great detail, because that's not what this post is about. Though, I think I have referenced it and made jokes about it before. Some of which, were really funny. One story that comes to mind is a time period in my life when I thought that I could fly. Everyday I would wake up brimming with confidence, joy and poorly masked mania because "Today, I'm GONNA FLY!"

The period of consistent delusion is far behind me now. Depression on the other hand, remains. I have taken psychedelics in the past and abused alcohol. But I've never taken small doses of anything. I have heard that micro dosing LSD and shrooms can help you regulate serotonin. That's really the issue right? The serotonin in my brain is fucked? Or maybe, I'm just "A millennial snowflake that can't cope with the real world! Probably a cross-dressing liberal too!". 

No, I'm not any of that. I just feel like complete poo all the time. Although, I suppose that it is true that I struggle with coping with every day life. There are times when it doesn't matter what I do, I just feel awful. Except writing jokes, that's something I always feel like doing if only for a little while. Whatever I decide to do, I'm going to do more research. Not just on this, but on how to be more funny, be a better friend, how to be more wise. So on and so forth. I don't want to make something like this a quick, in-the-moment kind of decision. I'm not the kind of guy that goes out for groceries on Thursday and then somehow ends up married in Vegas by Monday.  

The Answers: What Does it Mean When You Dream About Snakes?

This is a question that I'm sure all of us have asked at some point. Usually when we wake up out of breath and in a sweat over a nightmare involving a snake. I'm particularly interested in finding out what these dreams mean according to the internet because I am prone to having a wide variety of snake related dreams. I'll discuss a few here before I get started for looking this stuff up. But first, would you like to read my take on some on the current geopolitical landscape?

Didn't think so. Snakes bite me in my dreams all the time. They are always normal sized snakes in these dreams. Another dream about snakes that I frequently have is when I go to investigate something out in nature. I'll be pulling rubble away and digging deeper into the ground when I'll come across a pattern. When I start pulling at it like a total numb nut, the patterned rubble reveals itself to be several pythons all piled together. Then, I turn around and see that I am impossibly surrounded by snakes.

The number of snakes around me is so great that I would not be able to take a single step without making contact with one of them. This is a level of panic comparable to when I attend any big gathering that I'm not working. Work gives structure and purpose to a giant loud shindig. But participation just makes me want to drink until I wake up sleeping with goats in a barn while my phone plays Sinatra radio on Pandora.

The last snake dream that I can think of right now happened a long time ago. I guess, maybe 5 or 6 years ago. That seems like a long time to me. I'm swimming on the surface of a lake in the dream and feel a sudden urge to look under the water. I carry on swimming but the urge gets greater. Finally, I look under the water and see that the lake is impossibly deep. There are skyscraper sized snakes underneath me. I don't scream as they are just swimming along not noticing me. But then I look down below all the other snakes. There is a green snake that seems to be looking right at me. I pull my head up from the water and look for a possible way to escape. When I look back down under the water, the green snake dashes toward me to consume me and I wake up, having thoroughly shit the bed.

So now, let's actually get some answers from the internet. Looks like if snakes scare you and one bites you in your dream, it could mean that there is some unpredictable element in your life. Snakes are unpredictable like that. There is not very much in my life that is unpredictable now, but the last several years were extremely unpredictable. I never knew where I'd be working, what I'd be doing. It was pretty tough. Nowadays, I'm positive every morning when I wake up that I'll be writing about making a poo in the bed after a scary dream or any other number of comparable scenarios.

 Snakes that are hidden or are hard to find like I described in the digging through the rubble scenario can mean that there is a betrayal coming your way. Most people, myself included never see a betrayal coming. So, that makes sense to me. Well, I'm pretty sure that I'll be betrayed soon on account of a text that I received from an untraceable phone number. It read "Expect a betrayal soon." Pretty ominous huh? That message is pretty cut and dry even for someone as dense as me. Of course, there could always be some underlying symbolism to it I suppose. Maybe that will be another post on a later day. "Understanding Cryptic and Scary Messages from Strangers."...."In 3 quick steps." "Number 2 is INSANE!" Yeah, probably not going to happen unless I get a cryptic, scary message telling me that I have to make that post.

There is a bit of information on my giant, green snake dream. A big green snake being in the dream is supposed to be a promise of recovery for the ill. That's interesting because at the time that I had the dream I was going through some serious mental illness. Seeing tons of snakes underwater might have meant that I was in an unfavorable situation. That was also very true at the time. I am since enjoying much better working and living circumstances. This has been a fun post to make, I'll probably cover more dream related stuff in the future. I'm one of those kooks that remembers their dreams without writing them down sometimes. Look for more stuff like this in the future.

These are my sources:
https://checkmydream.com/dream-meaning/big--snake
http://www.dreammoods.com/commondreams/snake-dreams.html

The Answers: How To Make My Belly Fatter

A lot of people want flat abs and a sexy beach bod and all that shit. Not me. I ain't looking to live forever because getting old sucks. Plus, have you ever fell on your face before? Well I haven't because my belly is in the way of that. Now some of you are starting to come over to my side eh? Flat abs and all that may or may not be good for your face. Anyway, I'm here to provide you with my well researched and properly tested techniques for making your belly fatter.

1. Add sugar to everything

Adding sugar has been found to be an incredibly unhealthy thing to do. So do it. Sugar doesn't even really taste that good. Be honest with yourself, you can't really say what sugar tastes like. It's sweet sure, but what does that really mean? I don't know and I can't tell you, but I can tell you that my coffee is mixed with Coca-Cola and 11 packets of raw sugar. I like to add some much that there remains a grainy texture in the drink. Sometimes I fill a bowl with sugar and dump one cup of coffee in there with for a crunchy, mushy sugar soup. Some other ways you can apply this is to dump sugar over your popcorn, garnish your salad with sugar, soak your burger buns in honey and have molasses syrup as your toothpaste.

2. No more protein

Protein has been proven to be good for weight loss. So we don't want any of that. Later in this post I'll describe how we won't be moving anymore. Well, that'd be impossible unless we die, which we want to happen. I've spoken with a few immortals and they all have tremendous buyer's remorse. Apparently, all the aches and pains of getting old just keep getting worse indefinitely. So, my heart goes out to all the 1000 year old vampires that read my blog.

3. No more movement

Right, so we aren't going to be exercising anymore and if we do have to move we need to make it minimal. If you're a hard working server out there, it's time to become a lazy piece of shit that drags the rest of the team down. In all likelihood, you already have someone like that on the team, so their impact shouldn't be difficult to replicate. Think of yourself as a tick. You're only alive to feed off of someone else and then die as a giant bloated bag of blood. I'm not gonna lie, I deleted that last sentence a few times before deciding to move on. It's pretty damn disgusting.

4. Guzzle fruit juice

Here's a little, or maybe somewhat known fact, fruit juices aren't that great for you. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to know what is known in the first place. That's really kind of arrogant on my part to pose like I might know what people do and do not know. Which brings me to this most pressing question, do you think that our world is ruled by a sentient computer? I wouldn't be surprised if at the bottom of the internet depths, there lived a sentient super computer with designs for world domination through mental manipulation. Sending signals that change us into drooling slaves through memes and other internet culture bullshit. Lemme know what you think in the comments.

  Back to fruit juice, everything has a serving size for a reason. Fruit juice is full of sugar. Sugar is something that we're already adding to our tacos, pizza and cheeseburgers if you're following along correctly. Fruits are full of sugar to begin with, but when you drink the kind that has had tons of the cocaine looking sweet stuff thrown in, double whammy. So, forget soda and beer/wine. We are gonna guzzle fruit juices, the sweeter the better. If you follow my steps detailed here, you'll no doubt succeed in making your belly fatter.

Disclaimer: Obviously, don't do any of this shit.

The Answers: 5 Ways to Choose the Right Escort

Right, so I've never been with an escort or used a catalog to find one or anything like that. But I have been on the internet! All it takes to pick the perfect paid partner is a quick analysis of yourself and a quick analysis of the women available. So here we go with 5 ways to choose the right escort.

1. Check her eyes to see if she is dead inside. This can be done by looking for lines in her face on the pictures where she is smiling. If there are no pictures where she is smiling then she has already chewed up and spit out 17 other guys just like you. So, for the love of God leave her be! If you find a lady that has laugh lines but no shimmering, moisture like presence in the eyes then it means that she's good at faking human emotions and that she has cannibalized 17 other guys just like you, so for the love of God...well do what you got to do I guess. If you can find one with laugh lines and shimmering eyes then you are ready to book.

2. Check the price. Price is the main determinant of whether or not you start considering the cannibal or the serial killer broads. If possible, whatever it is in life, it's usually a good idea to go for the best. Try to date the best women, have the best grades, take the best job. But sometimes life has a different plan. And you Googled something along the lines of "how to choose an escort", so obviously your plans are a bit on the fritz. Life's plan usually doesn't pare up to perfectly with your wallet's plan. So use discretion here, and maybe think about saving up if you can only afford the serial killers and the cannibals.

3. Perform an image search on her profile pictures to make sure that she isn't a catfish. Also, look for her Facebook. I'll be honest with you I've taken both of these from the show Catfish on MTV. I never watch TV except for when I go home to visit my family. Last time I did, they were watching Catfish. So, I learned a few things while being entertained.

4. Light a candle and hum for 28 minutes in front of their picture. When you open your eyes, you'll either see a future full of love with her or you'll see her fleeing the scene of your murder. If you get number 2, then try another girl. This is the fail safe method for avoiding a really good fake or for finding the one cheap chick that you initially thought might drug you and sell you to a human trafficker. This method will show you that you can't always judge a book by it's cover. You can also use this method to peak inside the courtroom of your eventual killer's trial. That is if you decide to risk it with a number 2 option. I get it, we all have a taste for danger at some point.

Pro Tip: Be careful when you're sitting down that your nut sack isn't about to get pinched by your pants. It's fucking agony and now I wish I wouldn't have left to go pee in the first place. But if I hadn't done that then I'd be neglecting my bladder. That's not good either, so take my advice, nothing is good.

5. Make sure that she isn't a prostitute. In some places in Nevada there can be a legal hiring of a prostitute. But everywhere else in America there stands to reason that the person that you are soliciting is in fact an officer of the law. Escorts are supposed to be something else. Someone that you can't have sex with but they will dress up and pretend to be high class at your law school reunion cocktail party. I suppose in Vegas, escort and prostitute can mean the same thing sometimes but the whole world isn't Vegas. You don't want your mugshot in the paper and your ass in jail just because you're too lazy to form a connection with someone and earn the pussy like the rest of the civilized world. Or you're too cheap to go to Vegas to get what you want.

Now you may be wondering, what part of this has to do with self analysis? You taught me how to analyze the potential escorts, but you never told me how to analyze myself. Well, here's the thing, you have to go through the entire process of selecting the escort first, but not paying the money. I assume it's the kind of thing that you have to do up front. Then give yourself 5 reasons why you shouldn't proceed. If you can't come up with any, well then let natural selection take it's course. If you come up with any at all, then your logical brain will hopefully take over and you'll call the whole thing off. After that, maybe you could see a psychologist? I never finished any school that wasn't high school or community college, so I can't tell you whats up with you.

Jokes: The News that you Need, Now, When You Need It

1. Vicious memes blamed for death of 5 minutes of free time.

2. Cat doctors making great leaps in treating cocky mouse syndrome.

3. Local residents of Bridgewater, NJ are upset that a former Wal-Mart site is being converted into a medical marijuana dispensary. The locals were hoping that the site would finish what Wal-Mart started and become a 24 hour meth den.

4. In further news that knowing will not benefit you whatsoever, President Trump was acquitted on impeachment charges. This comes as a surprise to nobody and meant nothing from start to finish. Which just goes to prove what I've always believed, fuck the government. 

5. Media heads flew after covering the reincarnation of Genghis Khan and his Mongol hoard.

6. Doctors recommend less marijuana for those with high functioning anxiety, saying that without weed, their condition will be cured.

7. Plucky upstart social media company specializes in introducing people who are interested in apple orchards.

The Answers: How to Become a Travel Blogger and get Paid

I've never been out of this country except when I went on a prolonged field trip to Denmark.We didn't do much learning, but we did do a good deal of drinking. Also, nobody paid me to do it. So you'd be justified in saying that I have no fucking clue about what I'm talking about. But I have been on the internet. School teaches you how to synthesize a piece of knowledge from information. This is the first step in making use of the internet. The internet is the biggest, baddest thing in the world and we all need to chronicle our every movement on there so that crime can be much easier. Here's how to travel around the world and get paid.

1. You use your blog as means to get freelance work. Work that you will completely half-ass. If there's one thing I've learned from being a piece of shit, it's that good people will always give you a second chance. Just charge more money than anybody else and re-brand yourself as a new man every time that you apply for something new. Works every time, and it will make you money enough to keep from being somebody's employee. Also, make sure that you're from a country where there is tons of expendable income. That really seems to help.

2. Network with other bloggers that are more popular than you. This will keep you in the conversation of what seems to be important without forcing you to contribute anything of value. This is the only easy way to become famous. Used to, fame was something that the most outstanding people in a specific field earned. Now, outstanding people are still famous but they are forced to collaborate with irrelevant clingers that contribute nothing. You must become one of those parasites.

3. Monetize yourself using affiliate marketing. 99% of affiliate marketers fail because as a whole, this is a nearly impossible thing to make money on unless you have a ton of traffic. Not only that, but the traffic has to be for that specific thing that you are promoting. Also consider, nearly every source of information about affiliate marketing is not useful because it's provided by people that never made a penny in affiliate marketing. It's just some of the 99% that never made any money that are trying to recoup their losses by pretending like they made it rich and now they wanna share it with you. So, when I say that you should monetize yourself with affiliate marketing, I mean you should go fuck yourself and do something else.

4.  Travel to a new country, become a sex worker/drug mule in order to leave. Let's be honest, you didn't make any money on ads, affiliate marketing or freelance services. You did a few freelance jobs for about 15 bucks total. You found out that it's pretty hard to compete with a more qualified candidate for those jobs when they are living in the third world and can bid pennies for the job that you need to receive dollars for. Your affiliate links haven't been clicked a single time. Your ads don't do anything because nobody is going to your site. But you decided to visit Paris on your parent's coin anyway. Assuring them that this will be your big break and that you'll be paying them back in no time. Now you've gotta break the law in order to get back home. Just make sure to keep updating your Instagram with motivational bullshit about how your entire life and perspective is changing due to this powerful experience. 

The Answers: How to Become a Chick Magnet in 4 Easy Steps

I'm going to detail all the ways that somebody can attract the maximum number of romantic partners. This is How to Become a Chick Magnet.

1. Be funny all the time. Bust out your Rodney Dangerfield impression at your friend's uncle's funeral. Turn into Don Rickles for your Thanksgiving day toast. Turn into a clown at every moment's notice. Keep paint and makeup for making a clown face on your person at all times. Make the makeup drip so that it looks somewhat like blood. Women love danger and psychosis. If you can wrap both of those in laughter and inappropriate jokes then the chicks will come running.

2. Don't be approachable. Whatever you do, don't smile at anyone. Look like you wear the sleeves of the people who inflicted trauma on you in the past on your sleeves. Like you ripped their sleeves off and now you keep them as trophies. Hunch your body language as though you are trying to protect yourself from an ever impending stabbing. Whip your glaring face around when you are out in public as though you expect there to be government agents coming to abduct you at any minute. I say again, women love danger.

3. Show respect...to nobody. Women, men, children, the elderly and everyone else that might be in existence. Never be polite. When it comes to being mistreated, nobody loves that more than women. You're going to want to be a condescending prick at every opportunity. Whether they are confident and capable of doing whatever they want with their life, you just keep putting them down. Women will stay with this kind of behavior for months, years, they might even marry this kind of shit and stay with it till it literally kills them.

4. No matter what, act like a child. Women do not want a partner that is as mature as they are. They want to take care of you as much as they want to have your kids and then take care of them. When you get sick, make everyone that is in your life aware of that. But mostly, make sure that your woman, and I say that because she does belong to you, is aware that she will be caring for you hand and foot. Even if you only have a sinus infection, find a way to puke in the bed. Women love taking care of kids, so in turn they will love cleaning up your pukey sheets.

If you followed these 4 easy steps then you are no doubt covered up in pussy.